MiSTing: No Threat... [RANT] [1/1]
Matthew Blackwell
Misted by Matt Blackwell
[Season 10 Opening]
[The crew is already on the bridge, chatting amongst
themselves. Mike looks up after a moment.]
Mike: Hey folks. Welcome back. Pearl's supposed to
be calling us in a few moments about
something really important.
Crow: I bet she's going to gloat about Xena
being cancelled.
Tom: Nah. I bet she's going to force us to
watch raw footage of "Big Brother."
Mike: Maybe she's decided the experiment's
a failure and she's going to let us go.
[All is silent for a second, then all three
burst out laughing.]
Tom: Good one, Mike.
Mike: Thanks.
Crow: Yeah, even you get in a good one every
now and then.
Mike: thanks. I ... hey!
[As Mike speaks, the Castle Forrester lights
begin to flash.]
Mike: Oh, never mind. Let's see what's up with
Pearl. You wanted to speak...
[Mike trails off and the trio's jaws collectively
gape open. The scene shifts to...]
[Castle Forrester]
[The interior of the Castle has been replaced by
what seems to be a giant replica of the interior
of the Satellite of Love. In the background, people
wander about, taking snapshots of their surroundings.
Tinny carnival music wafts through the air. Pearl
enters and stands in the foreground with a huge
smile on her face.]
Pearl: Hi, Mike!
[SoL]
Crow: The hell?
Mike: Pearl, what the heck is going on? Why does the
Castle look like, well, here?!?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, I decided to borrow some ideas from the
masters. You've seen those ads for the amusement
park in California that gives attendees the
experience of being in California? Well,
the mouse folks must have money to burn
since they contacted me to do something similar.
So, let me present... The Satellite of
Love Amusement Park!
[Satellite of Love]
[Mike, Tom and Crow stare at the camera, jaws agape.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: You see, since folks can't get up to see the
real thing... well, they could, but I'd have
to make the theater a lot bigger, and that'd
involve contractors, and you know how they'll
bleed you dry... Anyway, I turned the Castle
into something that encapsulates the entire
Satellite of Love experience. So, whaddya
think?
[Satellite of Love]
[The trio hasn't moved.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Guys? Um, are you alive?
[Satellite of Love]
Mike: You made our lives... into an amusement park?
Crow: ARE YOU INSANE?!?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Yes. Haven't you learned that by now?
[Satellite of Love]
[All look sheepish.]
Crow: Oh. Yeah.
Mike: Sorry.
Tom: But Pearl, oh how do I say this? We're boring.
Crow: True.
Mike: Absolutely. We spent last night sorting our
socks.
Tom: And last night was one of our more exciting
ones.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Duh. That's why we've had to jazz your lives
up a bit. Tom's a fighter pilot. Mike was
one of the original members of Mr. Big and
Crow, well, we don't know where he came
from, but we think he might have been
in the CIA.
[Satellite of Love]
Tom: Really? How did I do in Top Gun school?
Crow: Cool!
Mike: Mr. Big?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: See? Everything's fine.
[A 6 foot tall, fuzzy version of Tom walks up to
Pearl.]
"Tom": Pearl? Can I take my break now?
Pearl: Not now, Steve. I want you over in the
Load Pan-O-Rama entertaining the guests.
"Tom": Fine.
[Satellite of Love]
[The trio stare uneasily at each other.]
Tom: Pearl?
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: What? You act like you've never seen
a giant costume of yourself before.
Anyway, in the spirit of our
latest endeavor, we're sending you a
rant from some sap in California
griping about his power. Brain Guy?
[The Observer walks over to Pearl, looking glum.]
Pearl: Brain Guy. You're not wearing it.
Observer: Pearl, I feel incredibly foolish when
I do so.
Pearl: Put. It. On.
[The Observer's shoulders shrug in resignation
and he reaches down and places a gold lacrosse
net on his head and a bowling ball pin beak
over his mouth.]
Observer: Happy?
Pearl: Yes. Send 'em the rant.
[The Observer's SFX are heard and the scene shifts
back to...]
[Satellite of Love]
[The lights are flashing wildly.]
All: AHHH!!! WE'VE GOT RANTING SIGN!!!!
[Mike hits the lights and the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the bots enter and sit.]
Mike: No witty bantering today?
Crow: Nope.
Tom: I'm still scarred from seeing that costume
of me. I was huge!
>Subject: No threat - well, yeah OK, it's a threat
>
>
> Hey y'all,
Crow: Ah, it's from Southern California.
>
> America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because
> California doesn't have enough electricity to meet its needs.
Tom: Not just America! The whole world is wagging their
fingers at ya!
> The rest of the country (including George W. Bush's energy
> secretary Spencer Abraham, who wants Californians to suffer
> through blackouts as justification for drilling for oil in
> Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge)
Crow: Heck, Spencer Abraham's an oil drilling fool.
Mike: Jerri's been voted off the island? Let's drill for oil!
> seems to be just
> fine with letting Californians dangle in the breeze
> without enough power to meet their needs.
Crow: We need hair dryers, people! Do you think our
hair can look this good if we use a *towel*?
> They laugh at
> Californians' frivolity.
>
Mike: That's not really a new development though.
Tom: We invented the drive-through mortuary, people! Doesn't
that mean anything to you?
> Well, everybody. Here's how it really is:
>
> California ranks 48th in the nation in power consumed per person.
Crow: And they rank 2nd in the nation in *electrical*
power consumed per person.
Mike: I guess they rank first in using misleading statistics.
> BUT:
>
Crow: That's the opposite, not this, but that.
> California grows more than half the nation's fruit, nuts and
> vegetables.
Tom: But let's not talk politics.
> We're keeping them. We need something to eat when
> the power goes out.
Crow: After all, the average dinner plate in LA uses almost
three beans and a whole slice of tomato!
> We grow 99 percent or more of the nation's
> almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwifruit, olives, persimmons,
> pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts.
Mike: And don't forget that we lead the nation in wacky weed
production too!
> Hope you won't miss them.
>
Crow: [gasp] No! We can't possibly live without figs! The nation
will crumble!
Tom: Geez. Who is he trying to convince? The Olive Garden and
fruitcake manufacturers?
> California is the nation's number one dairy state.
[Mike bolts out of his chair.]
Mike: BLASPHEMY!
Crow: Calm down, Mike.
[Mike slowly sits down.]
Mike: [mumbling] Attempt to sully the good name of Wisconsin
will you?
> We're
> keeping our dairy products.
Mike: Good. It's probably rancid. And comes from cows
that are high.
> We'll need plenty of fresh ones
> since our refrigerators can't be relied upon. Got milk?
>
Mike: Yeah! Good milk! From America's Dairyland!
Tom: Mike, calm down. He's an idiot.
Mike: But he said...!
Crow: He's defending *California*, Mike.
> We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in
> state.
Crow: That'll certainly please Microsoft.
> Silicon Valley is ours, after all.
Mike: But let's not talk about Hollywood.
> Without enough
> electricity, which you're apparently keeping for yourselves,
> we just plain don't have enough software to spare. We're
> keeping all our airplanes.
Tom: Heck, they're all trapped in holding patterns above LAX
anyway.
> California builds a good percentage
> of the commercial airliners available to fly you people to
> where you want to go. When yours wear out, you'd better
> hope Boeing's Washington plant can keep you supplied.
Crow: Or wherever Boeing's located now.
> There isn't enough electricity here to allow us to export
> any more planes than we need ourselves.
Mike: We'll just use these planes to bypass our overcrowded
freeways!
Tom: Do planes run on electricity now?
> And while we're
> at it, we're keeping all our high-tech aerospace stuff, too,
> like the sophisticated weapons systems that let you sleep
> at night, not worried you might wake up under the rule of
> some foreign kook.
>
Mike: Without California to guard us, we'll all be under the
iron heel of Tarja Kaarina Halonen!
> Oh, yeah, and if you want to make a long-distance call, remember
> where the satellite components and tracking systems come from.
Crow: China?
> Maybe you could get back in the habit of writing letters.
>
Tom: Well, forget it! We Californians invented letters too!
> Want to see a blockbuster movie this weekend? Come to
> California. We make them here. Since we'll now have to make
> them with our own electricity, we're keeping them.
Mike: We won't be able to see 'Spy Kids'?
Tom: Or 'Dude, Where's My Car'?
Crow: Or 'Dungeons and Dragons'?
> Even if
> we shot them somewhere else, the labs, printing facilities,
> editing facilities, and sound facilities are all here.
Tom: And if you want to write a movie, all the writers will be
striking right here in California!
>
> Want some nice domestic wine?
Crow: Well, it doesn't exist.
> We produce over 17 million
> gallons per year.
Tom: And almost 20 gallons of it is fit for human consumption!
> We'll need all of it to drown our sorrows
> when we think about the fact that no matter how many California
> products we export to make the rest of America's lives better,
> America can't see its way clear to help us out with a little
> electricity. You can no longer have any of our wine.
>
Mike: Except for what you're hearing right now.
> You all complain that we don't build enough power plants.
> Well, you don't grow enough food,
Tom: Except for grain and meat and stuff, but who can live
on *that*?
> write enough software,
Crow: Somewhere, Bill Gates is laughing manically. Then
again, he does that all of the time anyway.
Tom: Are we living in 1870? There are other states
out there, people!
> make enough movies,
Mike: You'll be left with those icky New York films
and they're all about gay mobsters who work in
convenience stores!
> build enough airplanes and defense
> systems
Tom: The SCA will be devastated!
Crow: They'll have to import chain mail!
> or make enough wine.
>
Mike: Yuppies will be forced to head to
brew pubs en masse!
> So there.
>
Mike: Ah. California eloquence.
Crow: Right up there with "dude"!
> This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up
> before it's too late.
>
Mike: All in favor of letting California secede?
Bots: Aye!
> Love,
> The Californians
>
Tom: PS- Give us power or we'll restart that whole
"neon colored clothes" craze again. And we'll
add Nehru jackets into the mix too. You've been
warned.
> "I love California - I practically grew up in Phoenix."
> - Dan Quayle
Crow: Heck, Dan got one right.
Mike: Please, most Californians live in Denver these days.
Crow: Or in Las Vegas.
Mike: Wherever. It just seems that more of them live
outside of California than live there now.
Tom: Whatever. Let's start our own exodus.
[The trio exit the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . .]
[SoL]
[Mike, Tom and Crow stand behind the console.]
Mike: So, California seems to be up the creek.
Crow: Yep. [pause] Wanna play some canasta?
Tom: You know, I can't help thinking that
if California had paid more attention
in the past, then all of this could
have been avoided.
Mike: You mean by conserving more?
Crow: Or by building more power plants?
Tom: No. If they had just kept all of those
emergency power generators that
people bought for Y2K, then they'd
be sitting pretty right now.
[The Castle Forrester light begins to
flash.]
Mike: Let's see what what Pearl has to
say.
[Mike hits the lights and the scene shifts
to...]
[Castle Forrester]
[Badly constructed animatronic versions of
Tom, Crow and Mike stand behind a console.
Their jaws flap open randomly as they speak.]
Mike: Well, that sure was a bad movie, story
or thing.
Crow: It certainly was, Mike or Joel.
Tom: Si. Es muy estupido.
Mike: I'm sure glad that we don't have problems
like that up here on the satellite of
lunch.
Crow: Me too. Our power supply is nice and
safe. Things could never go wrong up
here.
[On cue, the lights go out above the console,
leaving the faux bots in darkness.]
Mike: Oh no!
Tom: Dios mio!
Crow: AIIIIEEEE!!! We are all going to die!
Mike: Relax! I'll just connect a power
generator to my giant hamster wheel.
Crow: We're saved! Hooray!
Tom: GOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!
[Pearl darts into the scene.]
Pearl: So, whaddya think?
[Satellite of Love]
Mike: I'm speechless.
Tom: I seemed a bit... off.
Crow: Forget it, Tom. Hit the button, Mike.
[Mike reaches down, taps the console and the image
disappears with a ...]
\ | /
\ | /
--- * --- PWOOOOSH!
/ | \
/ | \
Mike: [V.O.] Hey! that's kinda fun!
"No Threat- well, yeah OK, it's a threat"
was Misted by Matt Blackwell
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and copyright of Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-commercial
parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no infringement
on the original copyrights or trademarks held by Best Brains,
Inc., or anyone else, is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
are or should be implied. All characters in this work are
fictional , and any resemblance to actual people, living or dead,
is purely coincidental.
Special thants to Craig Whyte and Robert Stone for their
proofreading assistance.
Keep circulating the posts.
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> And while we're
> at it, we're keeping all our high-tech aerospace stuff, too,
> like the sophisticated weapons systems that let you sleep
> at night, not worried you might wake up under the rule of
> some foreign kook.
>
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