MSTed: ADVERTISE TO OVER 100 MILLION PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!
Chris Gleason
[INT. Sattelite of Love]
Mike Nelson is sitting behind the console reading a magazine. Crow walks
up to him.
CROW: Hey, Mike! Whatcha readin'?
MIKE: Oh, hi, Crow! I'm just looking over this article in
. "Stranded Temp Monthly" regarding the extraordinary
. proliferation of Internet access subscriptions recently,
. due partially to the widespread distribution of lewd
. or lascivious images for an effectively nominal charge.
CROW: Uhhhh... huh?
MIKE: That means a lot of people are getting computers so they
. can see cheap pictures of... er... (whispers in Crow's ear)
CROW: Ooooooooooooh! I wanna try!
Enter Tom Servo.
TOM: Whatcha up to, guys?
CROW [quickly]: BOOBIES!!!
Mike clams him up.
TOM: Heeeeey!
MIKE: Hi, Tom. Crow and I were discussing computers, actually.
CROW (muffled): Bmmmmmeeeeezzzzz!
TOM: Well, don't let me get in the way of getting your mechanical
. jollies. I'll just sit here and watch.
MIKE: No! There's nothing going on here th....
Signal lights flash.
MIKE: Uh, oh... looks like Otto and Pierre are calling.
Mike releases Crow and hits the light.
CROW: Boobies!
[INT. DEEP 13]
DR. F: Hey, let's not be stepping on my turf there, peons!
[INT. SOL]
Mike clams up Crow again.
MIKE: Sorry, your holiness. What can I do for you?
[INT. D13]
DR. F: Well! That's more like it! Before we send you this
. week's experiment, Frank and I have come up with a
. diabolically evil scheme to destroy the one source of
. happiness for all children: fast-food playgrounds. You
. see, when a parent takes a child to a fast-food
. restaurant, the parent tends to stay on the sidelines and
. watch the child run about. It's one of the few vestiges
. of pure childhood joy left in this dark, cynical... ooh,
. it makes me tingle with excitement to think about it...
. world of ours.
FRANK: That's right, Dr. Forrester. You see, Mike, kids LOVE
. to run around in those little hamster tunnels, climb on
. the obligatory rope ladders, and even relieve themselves
. in the gaily-colored ball pits!
DR. F: "Gaily-colored," Frank?
FRANK (confused): What?
DR. F: Anyway, Mike, 'bots, in order to secure my place in
. history as the most purely evil, vile, villianous... er...
. villain... I have decided to introduce a new variable
. into that world of scary clowns and big, fat, purple,
. shake-drinking freaks.
[INT. SOL]
MIKE: Uhhhh, Dr. F, didn't you already try that with the "Unhappy
. Meals?"
[INT. D13]
DR. F: Yeah, well... I never could get those marketed properly.
. Some nonsense about "health regulations" preventing
. them from even making it past the test-market stage.
. Anyway, piglets, allow me to introduce to you the...
FRANK (interrupting): Gaily-colored!
Dr. F smacks Frank in the forehead.
DR. F: Quiet, you blabbering mountain of ancient Suzy Qs!
Frank sticks out his tongue at Dr. F and keeps it out. Dr. F pretends not
to notice for the moment.
[INT. SOL]
ALL: GET ON WITH IT!!!
[INT. D13]
DR. F: Allow me to introduce to you the "Beanie Baby." This
. terminally cute stuffed doll will infiltrate hamburger
. stands all over the world, and for the paltry little
. sum of $1.39 each plus tax, I will turn the parents of
. those vile little rugrats into regressed imbeciles!
FRANK: They'll become even more obsessed by these little
. McNuggets of evil than their own children. Eventually,
. they'll want to run around on the playground itself!
DR. F: I don't know if you've ever thought about this, Mike, and
. judging by your mental aptitude test here, you haven't...
[INT. SOL]
MIKE: Hey! I scored a perfect 100% on my Captain Kangaroo Fan
. Club entrance exam!
TOM: You did? I only got an 87%.
MIKE: Did you get tripped up on the "Mr. Greenjeans: Myth or
. Matopaea" section?
TOM (sadly): Yes....
[INT. D13]
DR. F: Right. My point is, oh dullest of the knives, that if
. you've ever seen a 200-pound adult running amok on one
. of those Human Habitrails, you know that's a recipe for
. disaster! The entire fast-food playground industry will
. be on its collective knees begging me to rid the world
. of these disgustingly innocent little toys... and then,
. so will the world! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
[INT. SOL]
MIKE: You're a sad, strange little man, Dr. Forrester. You have
. my pity.
[INT. D13]
DR. F: Unfortunately, Mike, you don't have mine. To illustrate
. my point, I have for you this week's experiment. It's a
. tasty little number from the good people at Hormel
. called, "ADVERTISE TO OVER 100 MILLION PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!"
. Enjoy it, if you dare....
Dr. F then turns around to Frank, who has had his tongue out the whole
time, and nabs Frank's tongue with a pair of pliers.
FRANK: Mlaaaaaaaaaah!
DR. F: I'll show YOU something that's gaily-colored!
[INT. SOL]
Lights flash and buzzers sound.
MIKE: AAAAAAAH! We've got SPAM SIGN!
1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6
CROW: Are they going to make a Boobie Beanie Baby?
MIKE: I've heard about enough out of you!
TOM: Quiet, guys. It's starting. I can't wait! I love a
. good Spamwich!
MIKE: What's a "good" Spamwich?
>Please take the time out to read this email. it is worth your time.
TOM: Somehow, I seriously doubt that.
>ADVERTISE TO OVER 100 MILLION PEOPLE FOR FREE!!!
> Or send a message to millions of people...
CROW: Or just send a telegram to your aunt Hildegard out in Utah.
MIKE: Or tie a couple of cans together with a piece of waxed string.
TOM: Or simply open your mind and communicate with the dead.
>NOW YOU CAN ADVERTISE FREE AND GET DRAMATICALLY
>MORE RESPONSES THAN ADVERTISING ON NATIONAL TELEVISION
MIKE: Aaaauughh! Stop shouting!
TOM: Yes, you, too can reach an audience more responsive than the TV
. viewers of the world, as evidenced by the tremendous amount of
. Spam spread by the Coca-Cola company.
>With E-mail your potential customer is forced to read at least the
>headline of your letter.
TOM: Guess again, cowboy! *PLONK*
>Unlike TV, magazines, newspaper ads, and
>direct mail where more than 99.99% of the recipients will skip right
>over your advertisement.
CROW: Yeah! Where's the beef?
MIKE: Aren't you glad you use Usenet? Don't you wish everyone did?
TOM: Your ads will be fresh and clean as a whistle!
>TURNS YOUR COMPUTER INTO A CASH REGISTER:
MIKE: Hooked on Ebonics worked for him!
>Conservative estimates indicate
>well over 100 MILLION people will have E-mail accounts in the next year!
TOM: This poll was made possible by a grant from the EIB Network.
>E-Mail Blaster turns your computer into a cash register by giving you
FREE,
>immediate access to all of them. Do you think some of the more than 100
>million people with E-mail addresses would be interested in your products
or
>services?
MIKE (as per Python skit): But I don't like Spam!
CROW: E-Mail Blaster! New from Mattel!
>Even if you don't have your own products or services you can
>still make money buy promoting our computer software!!!
TOM: "Make money BUY promoting?"
MIKE: Maybe Kevin Nealon is the huckster here.
>You can make money with our new software called E-MAIL BLASTER
CROW: Now is it "E-Mail Blaster" or "E-MAIL BLASTER?"
MIKE & TOM: Who cares?
>Here's how:
TOM (singsong): "... we go gathering nuts in May, nuts in May...."
>* By Using E-Mail To Sell Your Products & Services
MIKE: My God... it's MARY KAY!!!
>* By Using E-Mail To Sell our Computer Software such as: Email Blaster,
Web Walker,
> Email Lock Box etc.
CROW: Now is it "E-Mail Blaster," "E-MAIL BLASTER" or "Email Blaster?"
TOM: Croooooowwww....
>* By Renting or Selling Your E-mail Addresses
TOM: Slut!
>* By Becoming A Distributor for e-mail BLASTER
CROW: Now is it "E-Mail Blaster," "E-MAIL BLASTER," "Email Blaster"
. or "e-mail BLASTER?"
MIKE: Shut up, Crow!
>MUCH FASTER: With bulk E-mail you get responses back in 1 to 4
>days instead of waiting weeks or months like with television or print
>advertising.
CROW: You, too, can get flamed in minutes instead of days!!!
> You can begin filling orders the same day you send E-mail.
MIKE: "OK, that's one order for me to go to hell. Would you like fries
. with that?"
>FREE ADVERTISING WORTH MILLIONS: It costs millions of dollars to mail
out
>millions of letters using the United States Postal Service!
TOM: Not to mention a few hundred dead Postal managers.
>Now you can
>send your ad to MILLIONS of people for FREE using E-Mail BLASTER
CROW: Now is it "E-Mail Blaster," "E-MAIL BLASTER," "Email Blaster,"
. "e-mail BLASTER" or "E-Mail BLASTER?"
MIKE & TOM: CROOOOOOWWWWW!!!
>E-MAIL BLASTER IS ACTUALLY 3 PROGRAMS IN 1:
MIKE: It's a floor wax!
CROW: It's a dessert topping!
TOM: You can cut through this leather shoe with it and still slice a
. tomato!
>E-Mail Blaster is amazing new
>technology
MIKE: Called the "For-Next Loop (tm)."
>and the most advanced bulk E-mail software on the market today.
>(1) E-Mail BLASTER automatically extracts E-mail addresses from America
>Online, CompuServe, Prodigy, and the other online services, the Internet,
>web pages, news groups, and hundreds of other sources.
TOM: Without having to deal with all those pesky privacy issues.
>(2) E-Mail BLASTER
>automatically stores the E-mail addresses in your computer along with
>keywords that describe hobbies and interests to created highly targeted
>E-mail addresses.
CROW: Words such as "loser," "nose-picker," "sleaze," and "BOOBIES!"
Mike clams up Crow again.
>(3) E-Mail BLASTER sends your marketing letter or ad to
>MILLIONS of targeted E-mail addresses at the push of a single button!
MIKE (as Ronald Reagan): "Gorby? Dutch here. Listen, I just pushed the
. button. The bombs will be falling on you in twenty minutes. You
. might want to take a snootful of that fine commie vodka!"
>HOW DOES E-MAIL BLASTER WORK?
TOM: Like getting hit in the head with a lemon peel wrapped around a
. large gold brick.
MIKE: The Pan-Galactic E-Mail Blaster!
>E-Mail Blaster has dozens of special filters
CROW: To eliminate all that harmful tar and nicotine, so you can blast
. e-mail forever and not die of lung cancer.
>to automatically harvest E-mail addresses from major online services such
as:
>America OnLine, Compuserve, Delphi, Genie, and of course the internet.
TOM: We've been over this already, haven't we?
MIKE: This is Spam, Tom. It's SUPPOSED to be chopped, pressed and
. stuffed full of redundant and repugnant gelatinous filler.
TOM: Oh!
>AOL AUTO EXTRACTOR:
CROW: Removes all those unsightly AOL stains forever!
>E-Mail Blaster has many special features
TOM: Like a built-in fire extinguisher for when your computer lights
. up the eastern sky with flames.
>like the AOL
>Auto Extractor that let's you use a regular dial-up Internet connection
to
>collect names and addresses from America Online. Collect America Online
>addresses without being a member.
MIKE: George...@aol.com
>Allows you to download names and addresses
>from America Online without paying membership fees or online charges.
TOM: Attack of the Giant E-Mail Address Leeches!
>Auto Extractor
>for all of the online services and Special E-mail database search engines
will
>also be available at no additional charge.
CROW: If we ever feel up to getting off our fat asses and doing something
. productive.
>SIMPLE TO USE: E-Mail Blaster does all the work for you.
TOM: Because you're obviously too much of a slug to find work on your own.
>Unlike other
>programs where you must cut & paste addresses, E-Mail Blaster does it for
you
>automatically.
MIKE: Leaving you free to eat the paste at your leisure.
>And, unlike other E-mail programs, with E-Mail Blaster there
>is no need to purchase any additional software
CROW (German accent): Zere iz nozzing more you need. Ve vill provide
. EVERYZING!
>SPEED:
MIKE: Pop quiz, hot-shot!
>Your time is important.
TOM: So waste *other* people's time with tons of Spam!
>E-MAIL Blaster is DRAMATICALLY FASTER at
>extracting and sending E-mails than all the other programs on the market
>that we tested it against.
CROW: We pitted E-Mail Blaster up against two 90-year old women who had
. never even touched a computer before. Let's see the results....
>NO SPECIAL EQUIPMENT NEEDED:
Mike clams up Crow yet again.
CROW: Mmmmmmffff!
>E-Mail Blaster runs on a PC with Windows
>3.xx Windows 95,
MIKE: Windows 3.xx Windows 95 will be available next summer at the
. latest, unless we at Microsoft feel we need to delay release
. of it a little more to generate just that much more hype.
>Windows NT, a 386 or faster processor, 4 MB RAM, and a
>hard drive with at least 10 MB free and your own SLIP or PPP connection.
No
>other software needed.
CROW: Ja vol, mein herr!
>Also runs on a Macintosh with Soft Windows installed.
TOM: That's a lie. NOTHING runs with Soft Windows installed.
>******************************************************************
>This message was sent using E-Mail Blaster.
CROW: Hence the smoking hole in my Inbox.
>E-Mail Blaster is The World's Leading Bulk E-mail software.
>With E-Mail Blaster you can advertise to over 100 million people for
FREE!
>
>Cost:
MIKE: What the... huh?
>We are giving away Email Blaster
MIKE: Oh, so it *is* free.
>your only cost is $165.00 License fee.
MIKE: WAIT A MINUTE!!!
TOM: Me License fee. You Jane. Spammer dickweed.
>THAT'S IT!!!
CROW: Great! We can leave!
TOM: Not yet.
CROW: Awwwwww....
>Our company is in the software business of developing cutting edge
products, so
>we know if you have the opportunity to use our software FREE you will be
our future
>customers.
MIKE: Oh, I can see how that logically follows... huh?
>We know we need you to make our software business a true success!
CROW: As opposed to the worthless shell of a success we are already.
>(Please if our lists are incorrect put "remove" in the subject and just
>hit "REPLY" and you will not be bothered again. Please forgive our
mistake).
TOM: Klatuu, barata, nikto!
>***************************************************************************
********
>***************************
>To take advantage of this opportunity, please fill out the order form
below and fax
>to 1-407-380-3545. Don't miss out on this opportunity! Sales Rep:
(Nejeh
Yusuf @
>407 380 3545)
MIKE: Don't even THINK about calling this idiot at 3 a.m. and chewing him
out.
>Name: _____________________________________________________
CROW: I. M. A. Weenie. <*snicker*>
>Address:____________________________________________________
MIKE: WHAT classified address?
>City:___________________________________________
CROW: Built on Rock 'N' Roll.
>State:___________________________
TOM: *I* am certainly confused.
>Zip:_____________________________
MIKE: By Nico Mak Computing, Inc.
>Telephone::_____________________________________________
TOM: The two colons are for extra freshness!
>E-Mail Address:__________________________________________
CROW (as Yosemite Sam): So I can BLAST you out!
>#of Copies @ $165.00 each ______________
MIKE: Shouldn't that be "Number of FREE copies @ $165.00 each?"
>If you would like to run Email Blaster on multiple computers or if you
would
>like to resell Email Blaster for up to $499.
TOM: Aaaaaaauuugghhh! Medic! We need an independent clause, STAT!
>you may purchase additional copies
>of Email Blaster for only $165.00. Retails for $499.00
MIKE: And still for free!
>This price is only available
>at the time of this order!
CROW: So be sure to hold him to this price forever by replying
. from Deja-News.
>So, Take advantage now and reserve your additional copies now!
TOM: And call me a jerk now and profligate more Spam now!
>***************************************************************************
*
>WE DO ALSO ACCEPT CHECKS BY FAX AND PHONE. WHY WAIT WHILE YOU CAN GET
AHEAD.
>***************************************************************************
******
MIKE: Man, those asterisk lines need a better barber.
>If you would like to pay by check, money order, or cashiers check please
make
>payable to: Nejeh Yusuf
CROW: And be sure to send a carbon copy off to the IRS!
>mail to:
TOM: id...@dickweed.com
>2168 River Park Blvd. Orlando Florida 32817
MIKE: Don't even THINK about mailing a dead fish wrapped in newspaper to
. this yo-yo.
>or Fax to 1-407-380-3545 along with this order form.
MIKE: And don't even THINK about faxing this person a looped strip
. of black paper!
CROW: Kids, get your mailbomb programs ready!
TOM: Time to go, guys!
CROW: Yay!
MIKE: About time....
6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1
MIKE: Whew! I didn't think were were going to make it through that one!
CROW: I'm actually kind of disappointed, Mike! I was hoping he would
. have told us how we can find picture of...
MIKE: Don't say it, Crow!
CROW: Awwww....
TOM: Say what, Mike?
CROW: BOOBIES!!!
MIKE: That's it, Crow! Off to the corner! No D-cells after dinner
. tonight!
CROW: Miiiiiike!
Crow mopes offscreen.
TOM: He only said "boobies," Mike!
MIKE: You, too, Tom. Go!
TOM: I will have my revenge....
Tom follows Crow. Mike looks exasperated and glances back to the Mads.
MIKE: Well, sirs?
[INT. D13]
Frank is sitting off in a corner with an outrageously large, yet
gaily-colored, bandage around his tongue. Dr. F is in the middle of the
shot.
DR. F: Ah, Mike. I see you've survived this week's train wreck. Oh,
. well. There's always the Beanie Babies.
FRANK (muffled): Wahllhhlllaahhallla?
Dr. F turns around, then removes the bandage.
DR. F: What *is* it, you steaming lump of Snausages?
FRANK: Was it a gaily-colored train wreck?
Dr. F looks at the camera, then turns to Frank and picks him up.
DR. F: Gaily-colored? GAILY-COLORED?!? Why do you make me *do* this?.
. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Dr. F spins Frank around and slams his head on The Button.
. |
. |
. |
. --------O-------- PWHOOOSH!
. |
. |
. |
--
Feel free to criticize,
Chris Gleason
chris...@aol.com
http://members.aol.com/chrisglson
http://members.aol.com/chrisglson/sftg.html <---- check out my e-column!
Chris Gleason
Chris Gleason wrote in article <86191989...@optional.cts.com>...
Please disregard the Frank's tongue continuity error.
--
Damn....,
Joseph Nebus
"Chris Gleason" <mow...@cts.com> writes:
>Chris Gleason wrote in article <86191989...@optional.cts.com>...
>Please disregard the Frank's tongue continuity error.
I haven't read the MiSTing yet, but I hope it's all as wonderful
as that followup.
Joseph Nebus
------------------------------------------------------------------------------