MSTed(group) Premier Maquis (new 5/6)
Loren Haarsma
=========================== part 5/6 ===============================
[return from commercials]
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: DS9 Premier Maquis pt 9
>> Date: 29 Oct 1996 14:07:47 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 195
>> Message-ID: <55533j$c...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Premier Maquis
Crow08: The "S" is back!
>> by Stephen Ratliff (srat...@runet.edu)
>> DS9, Marrissa Stories, Stargazer Missions
>> part 9, serialized weekly
Tom06: With just as many contrived plot devices as the other weekly
serials you know and love.
Crow13: Shouldn't that be "weakly"? Heh heh heh ... NURSE!
>>
>> Notice (courtesy of Mark Twain's The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn)
>>
>> Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be
>> prosecuted; persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished;
>> persons attempting to find a plot in it will be shot.
>> By order of the Author.
Crow09: Mike, what's "deja vu"?
Mike09: It's the feeling that you've seen or done something before.
Mike08: So if I try to find a plot in this story, Stephen Ratliff will
put me out of my misery?
Tom08: It'd be only fair.
>>
>> Chapter Eight
Tom12: The Quickening.
Tom13: The Day I Went Mad.
Tom07: Three Men and a Little Premier Maquis.
>>
>> Captain's Log
>> Deep Space Nine
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko recording
>> The Stargazer has arrived towing the Roanoke. Apparently, the
>> Maquis tired to capture the Roanoke.
Mike06: [as Sisko] They made a good attempt, but then they got tired and
quit.
Mike10: [yawning] Yep... they tired so very hard.... [yawn] Now they
need sleep.
Mike12: [as Sisko] Or something like that. Marrissa gave the report and
I fell asleep three times.
>> I am happy to report that due to
>> the efforts of the Stargazer and the Kid's Crew of the Roanoke, they
Tom04: Were portrayed as marginally more intelligent than the usual
evil-but-stupid villains in these fanfics.
>> failed.
Mike08: They were just so confused by the kids' jumping around and
cavorting that they had no idea what to do.
Tom09: Sisko's praise of the Kids' Crew regime insures he will keep his
job come the New Galactic Order.
Mike13: Better to have invaded and lost than to never have invaded at all.
Tom13: That would almost sound wise, if I had any idea what the heck it
meant.
>> As a result of this attempt, several Maquis have been captured.
Crow12: Thanks to Marrissa, even more have been killed.
Crow06: [as Sisko] Many more were killed, but they're irrelevant.
>> They include a former Bajoran Star Fleet Officer, Ro Laren. This Ro
Crow09: ...Followed by the next row, and then so on until we've all had a
chance to see.
Crow13: ...As opposed to this other Ro who just kind of sat in the back and
didn't say much.
All07: [singing] ...Is bound for glory, this Ro....
>> defected from the Enterprise three years ago
Tom04: [as Sisko] And this little Ro stayed home... and this little
Ro had roast beef....
>> at the rank of Lieutenant.
>> At the time she was part of an attempt to infiltrate the Maquis.
Mike12: Guess she did too good a job, huh?
Crow07: These Starfleet schemes always go so well.
>> Then Captain Jean-Luc Picard noted that he held himself partly to blame
Mike08: ...For the ratings slump.
>> in her file. She will be brought before a court-martial.
Crow08: Oh, boy. We're going from dull, pointless space battle to
dull, pointless courtroom drama.
Mike08: How will we tell the difference?
Tom08: One of them has involved or will involve starships.
Crow08: Really? Which one? I've lost track.
>>
>> Marrissa was walking down the promenade when she heard a
>> familiar voice from behind her.
Tom12: Marrissa, it's your conscience again. Why do you keep ignoring
me?
Crow10: It's the voice of the hedgehog in the pet shop there, commanding
her to do more evil.
Tom09: [raspy] Remember me, Marrissa? Stardate 45682.2, Cardassia. If
you're going to set out to kill a Cardassian, Marrissa, you'd
better make sure you finish the job!
Tom13: [singing] I love you, you love me....
[Mike13 and Crow13 both scream.]
Mike13: Don't *do* that!
>> "Too busy to even stop and chat with
>> an old friend?"
Crow09: [as Marrissa] Of course I am! I'm Princess Fighter-Commander
Captain Admiral Marrissa Amber Flores Picard Banana
Fana-Fo-Shirley the Third!
>> Marrissa spun around looking for the owner of the voice.
Mike10: [as Marrissa] I have friends?
>> She spotted the blond teenager
Tom10: Star Trek: The Blond Generation.
>> sitting at a table in the Replimat which
>> she had just been going past.
Mike09: Edward Furlong, no!
>> "Come over and join me," Jay Gordon
>> asked. "I know you haven't had dinner yet."
Tom08: [as Jay] There are no strawberry stains on your chin.
Tom07: [as Jay] It's a plot convenience, you see.
Crow10: He's been building up for his Stalker merit badge.
>> "Jay, what are you doing here?" Marrissa inquired, as she sat
>> down across from Jay.
Tom08: [as Jay] Taking up space.
Crow08: [as Jay] Fulfilling a contractual obligation.
Tom09: Didn't they get married, or something?
Mike09: Who could tell?
Crow09: Who could care?
>> "Captain Sisko asked for some back-up, after the Maquis declared
>> independence," Jay informed. "Star Fleet sent him the Independence.
All13: Wah wah wah waaaaaaaaah.
Tom12: Oh, the irony!
Mike09: Because we all know that even the Maquis can't stand up to the
power of the Kids' Crew.
Crow09: *Da-da-da-da-da-daaa*! Puppy ... Power!
Tom09: Crow, if you ever do that again, I swear I'll *make* my arms
become functional by sheer force of will and rip your beak off!
>> Since we've been out on exploratory missions, we haven't had much shore
>> leave.
Crow09: Hey!!
Mike09: I gotta go with Tom on that, too, Crow.
>> So Captain Morris authorized some when we came into port."
Crow08: [as Jay] And it's a good thing! I'm...
Mike08: Don't even think about it.
Crow08: ...Really anxious to take in the beauty and culture that is Bajor.
Mike08: That's better.
Crow09: Ah, c'mon, gimme a break, Nelson.
Mike09: Sorry, but even in this context, Scrappy-Doo is just plain wrong.
Tom09: And on so many different levels!
Mike10: Well, I'm sure Captain Sisko feels much more secure with his
"back-up" ship's crew getting drunk and spending weeks in
Quark's holosuites.
>> "I see you got your full Lieutenancy," Marrissa observed. "What
Tom08: ...was Starfleet THINKING?
>> did you have to do to get it?"
Mike08: Take the high road here as well, Crow.
Crow08: Waaaay ahead of you, Mike.
Crow04: [as Jay, cheerfully] Just assassinate a few people... that's all.
Mike09: [as Jay] The usual --- humiliate my superiors, wipe out a few
alien races, display an utter lack of believable human emotion or
interactions....
>> "You're looking at the Independence's new Chief of Operations,"
>> Jay beamed.
Crow04: ...himself into deep space, where he asphyxiated.
Crow12: ...himself into space, thereby ending this scene.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] That's nice, Jay... now do you think you could get
around to answering my question?!
Mike13: Obviously the position no longer requires experience or training.
>> "I thought that was your father's position," Marrissa commented.
Tom12: [as Jay] No, he prefers it--
Crow12: [as Jay, simultaneously] No, that was mi--
Mike12: NO!!
[Mike12 grabs Tom12 and Crow12 and crashes their heads together.]
Mike06: [as Jay] It was. I've been studying with Klingons though, so I
killed him.
Tom08: [as Jay] He was obsolete. I replaced him, as all young people
will replace the old and decrepit.
[Unfortunately, factory specs on Tom12 and Crow12 didn't allow for such
treatment. Mike12's censorial act was his final act.]
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[ Fanfic status: 66% complete ]
>> "He got bumped up to First Officer," Jay said, smiling. "We
>> were out of range of replacements,
Mike10: I have a hard time believing Starfleet was all used up.
Tom13: Starfleet only having several MILLION to choose from.
>> so Captain Morris appointed me.
Mike08: Conveniently.
Tom07: Yes, nepotism is an Equal Opportunity Employer.
>> Why
>> me I have no idea,
Crow10: Join the club.
Crow09: It was the cadre of teenagers with class-2 phasers that did it.
>> after all I'm leaving for the Academy in six months."
Mike04: You're a teenager. *Obviously* you're the most highly qualified.
Crow13: *I'd* certainly promote somebody to Chief of Operations who
hadn't even been *trained* yet. Yep, that's what they call me
--- Captain "No Experience Necessary" Morris. Promotions to the
underqualified....
Mike13: OK, Crow, enough. It's really not unlike modern corporations,
when you think about it.
>> "Because Jay, you're good at organization, that's why I made you
>> my number one back in the Enterprise's Kid's Crew," Marrissa said.
Crow08: [as Jay] So it wasn't the bootlicking?
Tom08: [as Marrissa] Well, maybe just a little.
Tom13: Oh, admit it. He bribed you with strawberries.
Crow13: [as Marrissa, breaking down] I admit it! I'm weak...
so... weak.... [sobs]
>> "Speaking of the Kid's Crew on the old Enterprise, how is Clara
>> doing in command?" Jay asked.
Mike09: [as Marrissa] Oh, she's just kind of falling into it.
Tom09: Once again --- foreshadowing, kiddies, foreshadowing.
Mike08: [as Marrissa] She's drinking heavily and she spends all her days
off in a corner of her room. Why?
Mike13: [as Marrissa] Lousy. She hasn't destroyed a single planet, and
her death count is *still* in double digits.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Sure, yeah, *Clara* gets to be in command on the
flagship where *I* used to be... just rub *that* in my face why
don't you....
>> "My father left her and the Kid's Crew in command while he went
>> to talk to Admiral Necheyev on Starbase 12," Marrissa began. "You know,
>> low risk watch, not much chance of trouble."
All08: Suuuuuuuuuure there is.
>> "You mean the kind of watch that Kid's Crew Captains turn into
>> great adventures?" Jay said.
Tom06: You mean the kind of watch that gives Ratliff the chance to mangle
the English language into forms not intended by nature to form a
tortured, wooden, pitiful excuse for a short story?
Crow09: Sure, those Kid's Crew Captains are responsible for uncounted
deaths, short-circuiting the chain of command at will, and
humiliating seasoned officers and diplomats, but as long as it's
an *adventure* --- well, what the heck?
Crow08: And someday, we may indeed get to read some of those great
adventures.
Mike08: In the meantime, here's the end of this rotten old Ratliff
story....
>> "Usually beginning with an attack by some
>> enemy of the Federation."
Crow13: And ending in a horrible bloodbath.
Mike07: Wait a minute, is that sly, self-deprecatory humor on Ratliff's
part?
All07: ...Nah!
>> "You've heard this story before," Marrissa accused.
All09: Yeah, pretty much.
Mike08: Even MARRISSA'S tired of these fanfics!
Tom06: So why did he ask to hear it again?!
Mike06: He thought the audience would be interested in it. We're not.
Tom10: Okay, when Ratliff starts getting metatextual, it's time to
bail out.
>> "The
>> Romulans sent their annual attempt to destroy a starship toward Starbase
>> 12 this year."
Crow08: They topped it off with a pie-eating contest and tried to fit
their entire command crew in a phone booth. It's really become
quite the event!
Tom13: Those crazy Romulans! They fall for the same gag every year.
Mike10: Why do the Romulans do this? So if the Federation ever wants to
declare war they'll have a fresh atrocity to use as justification?
>> "So how did Clara do?" Jay asked.
Tom10: [as Marrissa] We're having the memorial services next week.
Mike09: [as Marrissa] She beat them to the punch by destroying her
starship first. Boyoboy, were those Romulans ever red in the face!
>> "Quite well, much to her surprise," Marrissa mused. "She neatly
>> clipped off the engines of the Warbird and captured it."
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Everyone thought she was crazy for fitting the
Enterprise with a pair of giant scissors, but look how well they
worked!
Tom04: [giddily] One just might say, methinks, that she has clipped the
Warbird's wings! Oh, joy!
Tom13: But she released it in the wild when it wouldn't take food from her
hand.
>> "So is she still claiming that she's an Engineer, not a Starship
>> Commander?" Jay inquired.
Tom08: Strangely, the engineer says exactly the reverse.
Tom06: [as Marrissa] Actually, now she's claiming to be the next
incarnation of the Messiah. That girl really needs help!
>> "Of course," Marrissa confirmed. "Not that anyone believes that
>> Engineering is her only talent after that performance."
All04: [as Master Thespian] Acting!
Mike13: That was Clara Sutter in the Enterprise adaptation of Wuthering
Heights.
Crow08: Now, they believe her real specialty lies in cheap theatrics and
needless posturing.
Crow10: [as Marrissa] These foolish people, wanting to do what they're
happy doing, instead of joining the Super-Fast Command Track.
>> "I hope not," Jay responded. "So how are you doing?"
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Well, I get three hours of nightmare-filled sleep
each night, and I've started to hear the voices and see the faces
of all the people who died because of me, and I'm tasting metal.
You?
>> "Let's see, my department is a nightmare,
Mike06: Yes, it's Marrissa's department, we can take that as a given.
Tom08: That must be her department. I know she gives *me* nightmares.
>> Cardassian personnel
>> feuding with Star Fleet personnel.
Mike09: Well, so far, it's been kind of a quiet, low-level, polite feud.
Crow09: [as Marrissa] But I'm working on turning it into a full-scale
border incident.
>> My quarters are next to the ship's
>> bar,
Crow08: [as Marrissa] And I suppose I took excessive advantage of that....
>> which means I hear all of the bar fights,
Tom10: Apparently, starships are designed by Boston's civil engineers.
>> and the Stargazer seems
>> to have attracted all the prerequisites for them.
Crow09: You mean, a bar?
Tom08: [as Marrissa] In short, me!
Mike08: Nothing like Academy-trained officers getting piss drunk and
beating each other with furniture until they bleed to further
Starfleet's reputation for decorum and discipline.
>> To make matters
>> worse, I've been assigned the defense of former Star Fleet Officer
>> turned Maquis," Marrissa listed.
Crow06: ...to port.
Tom04: And, amusingly enough, after guzzling a bottle of port, Marrissa
always listed to starboard.
Tom13: Starfleet figures the prosecution will have an easier time if
the defendant's lawyer had no legal training.
Mike08: Yes, have the teenaged girl who defeated you and brought you
to justice defend you in court-martial. THAT'S a GUARANTEED fair
trial!
Tom09: [as Marrissa] But the worst thing is, I haven't blown up a ship
in days!
>> "Would that be Ro Laren?" Jay asked.
Mike13: Let's not jump to conclusions.
Crow13: Hey! Ratliff took *our* line!
>> "It would," Marrissa confirmed.
Crow08: Oh, good. I thought it was some OTHER former Starfleet
officer turned Maquis.
Tom08: What about Eddington?
Mike08: Oh, they're just gonna shoot him.
Tom09: Oh, great, in addition to everything else, she's suddenly Joanie
Cochrane!
>> "Perhaps I can help," Jay remarked. "Since I've become Chief of
>> Operations, I've defended four people."
Tom10: Apparently he's aboard the U.S.S. Rikers Island.
>> "How good are you?" Marrissa inquired.
>> "I'm four for four," Jay smiled.
Mike09: Two-thirds of the Beast.
Mike04: Uh, is that supposed to be some sort of innuendo?
Crow06: [as Jay] Yep, sent 'em to the electric chair, all four.
Crow10: [as Jay] They all shot themselves in their cells before the trial
was over.
>>
>> Lieutenant Ro Laren sat back against the wall of her cell on
>> Deep Space Nine.
Tom06: Whoa! That's a harsh punishment. How is she surviving out there?
Crow06: I think he meant "in" or "at" Deep Space Nine, Tom....
Tom08: WHICH wall?! Why do you leave out the DETAILS, Ratliff?
>> Her knees bent, with an arm causally resting on it,
Tom04: Her eyes glazed and uncomprehending.
Mike07: Her head at a twenty-degree tilt, her feet on the ground and her
head in the clouds....
Mike08: So there's a causal link between her arm and whatever "it" is
that she's resting it on?
Crow08: Yeah, but we won't know what link unless the author deigns to
reveal which arm.
Mike08: I say!
Tom13: [announcer voice] The Surgeon General has found a causal
relationship between arm resting and terrorist behavior.
>> she contemplated her fate.
Crow06: Why was she thinking about "Manos" at a time like this?
Tom06: They probably use it as punishment when the prisoners break the
rules.
>> She hoped they had got the west wing air
>> conditioned ... it was rather likely that she would be spending some
>> time in prison.
Tom08: Strangely, this excited her.
Mike13: Please, no women-in-prison jokes.
Crow13: Aw, come on, wouldn't you like to see Ro Laren knife fighting
while wearing only a smock? Hubba hubba!
[Mike13 just shakes his head.]
Crow10: What, for desertion, attacking a Starfleet ship, and engaging in
chemical warfare against the crew? Not a chance!
>> After all she was being court-martialed for attempted
>> take over of a starship
Tom06: There's this word called "piracy," Ratliff. Consider using it.
>> and numerous other things she had done as a
>> Maquis.
Mike10: Like violating "Curb your dog" regulations.
Tom13: That hair remover in the shower head was a really mean trick.
>> As she mused over this, a young blond lady entered in a red Star
>> Fleet uniform.
Crow10: This story's like the skills test a big newspaper would give a
prospective copy editor, isn't it?
>> "Ro Laren?" the blond inquired.
Mike09: Well, just once, in college, and I couldn't walk for a week after.
Crow09: [rim shot]
Mike13: [thick Austrian accent] Are you Sarah Conner?
Crow10: How many other people are supposed to be in the brig, at the
moment?
>> "Yes?" Ro replied
>> "I'm Marrissa Picard,
Crow04: [falsetto] I'll be your deity for this evening.
>> I'll be your defense attorney," she
>> replied.
Tom13: [as Ro] Kill me. Kill me now.
Tom08: [as Ro] Oh, just SHOOT ME NOW! SHOOT ME NOW!
Crow09: [as Ro] That's nice. Please, go ahead and shoot me now!
Tom06: [as Ro] Oh, just give me a rope, let me hang myself right now
and speed things up....
Tom10: So we can take it that Starfleet has no equivalent to the right
to a competent attorney?
>> "I remember you," Ro commented.
Mike06: [as Ro] Much as I've tried to forget....
>> "You're the girl that got the
>> Ensign's rank at age 12. I know some non-coms that didn't like that."
Crow13: [as Ro] Funny, they all had fatal "accidents" soon after.
Mike10: Also some officers... and some more non-coms... and a whole bunch
of other officers... and everyone else in the Galaxy....
Crow06: See? Even non-competents know that it's wrong.
Tom06: Uh, Crow, that's not what it means... not that what you said is
wrong, mind you.
>> "I know," Marrissa responded. "There are even a couple officers
>> who are resenting the speed at which I've been promoted.
Tom09: Gee, ya think?
Crow08: Losers and fools.
Tom10: I'm getting a strange feeling here....
>> Never mind the
>> fact that I've protested them all,
All13: [snicker snicker]
>> with the exception of this last one
>> to Lieutenant Commander."
Crow10: Oh, yeah, I'm *sure*....
Mike13: [falsetto] Please, B'rer Starfleet, don't PROMOTE me!
Tom06: Methinks the lady doth not protest enough....
Mike08: Yeah, protest every promotion, folks. It's good for your
career. Really!
>> "They put you on the fast track," Ro smiled.
Crow06: Can they put her on an electromagnetic rail gun instead?
>> "I've been on it,
>> twice. Its not easy is it?"
Crow13: [as Marrissa] Well, once you silence the dissenters, it gets
much easier.
>> "No, sometimes I feel like I'm under a magnifying glass,"
>> Marrissa stated.
Mike04: Unfortunately, it's not focusing light rays on her.
Mike09: Just ignore the tightly focused beam of light....
Tom06: Ooh, somebody's trying to use the sun's rays to set Marrissa on
fire! Can I watch?
Tom10: [as Marrissa] Other times I feel like I'm this gerbil, in a
habitrail maze the size of a largish shopping mall's parking lot,
under surveillance by the great pinball gods of Chicago.
You know?
>> "And if you make the slightest error ..."
Mike08: Forget to put your toys away...
Tom13: You core dump! Heh heh... just some computer weenie humor....
[trails off, mumbling]
>> "They jump on you like a two year does with a spider on a
>> sidewalk," Ro finished.
All06: Eeewwwwwww!
Tom09: Well, sure, I can --- HUH?!?
Crow04: A two-year *what*?
Mike13: And *you* make analogies like a mushroom in a vacuum.
Crow10: You know, in that century, what looks like a spider on the
sidewalk may actually be the ambassador from Deljirath VII.
>> "Just be glad you haven't wound up in prison
>> yet."
Tom13: Think there's a chance of that?
Mike13: What do you think?
Mike06: [as Marrissa] Oh, I've got that pesky little war crimes
tribunal in my pocket too.
>> "Do I sense a defeatist attitude?" Marrissa asked.
Tom10: [babying voice] Aw, you're gonna make just the kyoootiest
widdle pwisonew on death row! Yes you are! Yes you are!
>> "I shouldn't
>> be,
Crow09: ...In a Starfleet uniform at all, yes, we know.
>> after all I believe I can get you off."
All08: NOoOOOOoooOO!
All09: [clear their throats very loudly]
>> Ro laughed, "Right."
Mike06: [as Bill Cosby] Am I on Candid Camera? How're you going to
do it?
>> "Right," Marrissa replied.
Tom13: Right.
Crow13: Right.
Mike13: Right.
>> "After all, you can't be
>> court-martialed in an organization which
Mike07: [as Marrissa] ...I've already destroyed.
>> you were not a part of at the
>> time of the crime."
Mike04: [imitates Ro smacking her forehead]
Crow10: Yeah. And you know you can't pay off a thirty dollar debt
entirely in U.S. dimes that were minted before 1965? No fooling!
Tom13: Not part of... she was AWOL!! You can't get off an AWOL with
"I wasn't part of the organization"!
>> "You're serious aren't you," Ro commented.
>> "My father considered your message to then Commander Riker
Mike04: [as Marrissa] ...A really lousy come-on line. But with Riker,
it worked anyway.
>> as a
>> resignation," Marrissa informed.
Tom10: Marrissa's a tattle-tale.
Tom06: [as Marrissa] And, of course, what my father thinks forms the
basis for all legal precedent.
Crow13: Oh, well, if a captain says so, then all of Starfleet must agree.
>> "That takes care of all but the charge
>> of sabotaging a mission.
Tom08: May I suggest the Twinkie Defense?
Mike13: Right. The fact that you gassed 1,000 people and invaded a
starship is no problem.
>> Unfortunately, that mission was classified,
Mike10: [as Marrissa] So maybe I should close the front door before I
talk about it... nah.
>> I've got the details due to my level 15 clearance.
Tom04: [as Marrissa] I've increased one level of clearance every year
since birth. I'd scarcely learned to read when I caused my first
diplomatic gaffe!
Tom10: [as Marrissa] Oh, did I mention that I'm vastly superior to you
and, for that matter, everyone you've ever known, in every way? I
know I haven't, I was just being polite, as a show of my mastery
of everything.
>> Unfortunately,
>> Captain Sisko, the chair of the court, only has level 10. He can't
Tom06: [as Marrissa] ...Compare to my greatness.
>> get
>> to it."
Tom07: [as Marrissa] I, of course, am so all-around wonderful.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] So I'm going to take Sisko's place as the chair of
the court. After all, who else is better qualified?
Mike09: So, the court is withholding evidence from --- the judge?
Mike10: And if they got a judge qualified to hear the case, they'd have
to give up three plot contrivances in the Courtroom Chapter,
so....
Tom13: Of course not! Why would you let the *judge* have access to
*vital* trial information? Sheesh, even the American military
isn't *this* incompetent.
Tom08: Folks, the judge of a military case would ALWAYS have access
to the evidence. This dose of reality brought to you by the
Society to Keep the Universe from Imploding.
>> "How did you get level 15 clearance?" Ro asked. "That's usually
>> associated with a full Admiral's rank!"
Tom08: Yeah, but they give out the decoder rings in boxes of Ensign
Crunch.
Tom09: [as The Brain] Oh, you must not have heard. Let me tell you
about my plans to TRY AND TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
Tom06: Ro doesn't understand that this is Ratliff's world, where a Kid's
Crew member automatically receives a clearance number equal to his
or her age and ascends rapidly through the ranks from there....
>> "The clearance is federation wide clearance," Marrissa stated.
>> "Star Fleet Clearance is a yes or no question.
Crow09: Yes! No! Uh-h-h-h-h, maybe! Waitwaitwait....
>> As an officer, I've got
Crow08: Rhythm. I've got music. Well, really, who could ask for
anything more?
>> Star Fleet clearance.
Mike06: [as Marrissa] ...And a 15% discount on all Starfleet merchandise.
Mike10: [as Ro] ...Yes, this is all fascinating... thank you... have
you heard the term "to make a long story short," please?
>> As the next in line to be head of state of a
>> member planet, or heir to Essex,
Tom07: [as Marrissa] ...One or the other....
>> I've got the level 15.
Crow06: [as Marrissa] And because I've got the cheat codes for this
universe, I can get to whatever level I want to from there!
>> It's a weakness
>> of the system."
Crow09: It's a weakness of the story!
Mike04: I'll say.
Tom04: I'll say *something*... once I figure out what in the hell that's
all supposed to mean.
Tom06 : Weakness? Of the *system*? In a *Ratliff* story?! Say it ain't
so!!!
Mike06: Weakness of the writing is more like it....
Tom13: Yes, folks, National Security gets *worse* in the future.
Tom10: Heh, Marrissa bragging about the privileges of her vastly
more interesting existence while *you're* in the legal battle of
your life is wacky fun, isn't it?
Tom08: Huh. After that exposition, I'm actually MORE confused than
before.
>> "So, Commander, have you done this before?" Ro inquired,
>> smiling.
All06: BWOW-ka-chicka-chicka-BWOW-WOW!
Crow08: [as Marrissa] I'm usually not that kind of girl!
>> "No, not as defense counsel," Marrissa replied. "Usually I
>> serve on the other side of the gavel."
Crow10: She's usually the desk?
Mike13: *Judge* Marrissa?
Tom13: But of course!
>> "Who else is on the court?" Ro asked.
Mike04: Will our next mystery guests COME ON DOWN.
>> "Lieutenant Julian Bashir and Lieutenant Samuel Lavelle,"
>> Marrissa responded.
Tom13: [as Bashir] Dammit, Sisko, I'm a doctor, not a lawyer!
Mike13: All that personnel and no legal department. Amazing.
>>
>> Lieutenant Katherine Lochard was talking to her sister, Virginia
>> Szustakowski,
Tom04: Everyone's related to everyone else in this universe. What is
this, "Twin Peaks"?
Mike04: No, this is all far too absurd and nonsensical to be "Twin Peaks."
>> the new Chief Engineer of the Stargazer, at Deep Space
>> Nine's Replimat.
Crow10: Come on down to the Exposition Bar and Grill!
>> "You'll enjoy Commander Picard, Gina" Kathy commented.
All06: Saaaaaay!
Mike08: She's light and tender, with a delicate smoked flavor.
>> "She hasn't lost that child's sense of fun.
Mike13: ...That psychotic rage, that all-consuming lust for power....
Tom09: Blowing up defenseless enemy ships...
Mike09: Assuming the throne of cowering planets...
Crow09: Bullying around people with decades more experience...
All09: It's FUN!!!
>> One word of warning,
>> though, don't call her, Risa.
Tom04: Don't, punctuate, Ratliff,
Crow06: [as Gina] Okay, I won't telephone her, but my name's not Risa.
Tom13: [as Gina] My name's not Risa.
Mike13: Tom, sometimes, I, think you, are too, concerned about, punctuation.
Crow13: Thank you, Mr. Shatner.
>> Ross keeps making that mistake and ending
>> up with strawberry juice all over his uniform and hair."
Crow10: 'Cause bullying never stops being fun, does it?
Mike06: [as Kathy] That happens to Ross a *lot*. I'm starting to think
that he *likes* that kind of treatment....
>> "Sounds like fun," Virginia replied. "The second on the
>> Fearless was pure terror.
Tom13: Rush Limbaugh?
Mike13: Suzanne Sommers?
Crow13: Pauly Shore?
[All13 shudder.]
Crow10: Ha! Get it?! Fearless! Terror! Ha! I'm outta here, folks,
you've been a great audience....
Crow09: See, he was a terror, on the Fearless, y'see, and --- and ---
LAUGH!! IT'S FUNNY, I TELL YOU!! LAUGH!! LAUGH!!
>> You never knew what he was going to complain
>> about next."
Mike08: Although the dialogue and premise were VERY high on his list
most of the time.
>> As she said this, Gina noticed her youngest sister,
Mike10: [as Gina] Oh, hi! Finally got born, huh? Well, here's your
Assistant Transporter Chief certification exam, get to it.
>> Kerstin coming towards them.
All08: RUN!!
Tom13: Who would name their kid "Kerstin coming towards them"?
Mike13: Lay off, Servo. When you write a grammar-perfect piece of fan
fiction, then you can complain.
Tom13: Ah, excuse me, I have better taste than to write *any* kind of
fan fiction.
>> "Oh, here comes Kerstin the cursed
>> Captain."
Mike09: [singing] Lived by the sea...
Tom09: [singing] And took away her mom's command...
All09: [singing] On a ship called Hona-Lee.
Crow06: Cursed to follow in Marrissa's footsteps, that's our Kerstin....
Crow13: Cursed because she had to wait until she was seven before she
made captain?
Tom07: This sentence has been brought to you by the American Alliteration
Association.
>> "Don't let her hear you say that," Kathy said. "She's been
>> known to beat people up for that."
Crow06: See? What'd I tell you?
Crow08: So basically, the best Starfleet officers pick one petty thing
to be sensitive about, and when someone trips over it, they go
off.
Tom08: Pretty much.
Tom09: So they just let a 12-year-old go around assaulting people?
Crow09: Remember, she's Kids' Crew --- they're immune from prosecution.
>> "Someone mention my nickname?" Kerstin stated from behind Kathy.
Mike08: [as Kathy] GAAA! Don't EVER do that!
>> Kathy blushed.
Mike09: [as Kathy] Don't hurt me!!
>> "Don't worry, I know it was used in a good way. I'd
>> rather you call me that than having Mom."
All04: Ummm....
Crow13: Isn't that biologically impossible?
Tom08: Whoa! That's not the way you wanted to say that, Ratliff.
Mike06: "Having" Mom? Is that anything like having a baby?
Tom06: Now *there's* a twisted genealogy.
Crow06: Maybe Ratliff's universe is like Mork's world where the babies are
born at middle age and look younger as they get older? *That*
would explain a lot.
Mike10: Her mom teases her? These families sure know how to have
dysfunctions!
>> "How is Mother," Gina asked.
Crow08: She's stoned out of her gourd. Why do you ask?
Mike13: [as Kerstin] Dead. She was no good to us, being an adult and all.
>> "She's been relieved of duty for the next week," Kerstin
>> informed.
Crow09: [as Kerstin] They've got her drugged up and on the bus to the
country with Hal Holbrook and Shelley Winters.
Mike09: I think you've hit on something, Crow.
Crow09: What, that Marrissa is the reincarnation of Max Frost? We figured
that out two or three stories ago.
Tom09: Yeah, get with the program, Nelson.
Mike08: You know, there's nothing wrong with just using the words
"answered" or "said" every so often, Stephen.
>> "Doctor Johnson of the Stargazer wants her to have time to
>> recover.
Tom10: Those crazy medical officers with their weird priorities.
Mike08: [singing] Doctor Johnson, gimme the news, I got a bad fanfic
to get through....
>> She's already tried to have Doctor Bashir overrule him.
>> Apparently Bashir had been informed that she would try."
>> "I told Johnson," Kathy responded. "But don't tell Mom."
Crow08: Don't tell Mom the story's dead.
>> "Don't tell me what?" Captain Mary Szustakowski asked,
>> approaching with her four remaining daughters.
All08: GAAHHH! DON'T _DO_ THAT!
Mike10: Boy, the Replimat is *the* happening place for awkward moments
to hang out.
Tom13: [as Kathy] We're doing this big surprise birthday thing...
oh rats.
Tom07: So Kerstin's the *seventh* daughter? Doesn't legend say she'll
have witching powers or something?
Mike07: Why am I not surprised.
Crow07: Creepy.
Mike04: Does anyone have a blank pedigree chart handy? I'd better
write some of this down....
Crow09: Oh, I'm starting to get that "Manos" feeling.
Tom09: At least they're not wearing nighties.
>> "Mom, you were supposed to be resting in your quarters," Kerstin
>> stated.
Tom06: [as Kerstin] Go to bed, old woman!
Tom07: [as Kerstin] Come on, how are we supposed to gossip about you
behind your back?
Tom08: [as Captain Mary] Well, I had some spare time, so I thought I'd
have a few more babies. Nothing beats Starfleet Day Care.
>> "I couldn't stand it, so I decided to do a little shopping,"
>> Mary replied, gesturing to her daughters who where carrying various
>> packages.
Crow10: [as Mary] See? I bought four more children.
Tom09: Oh, I see --- they're women, so of course they love to shop.
Mike09: Cutting edge humor unlike anything since "Blondie"!
>> "Well at least you got someone to carry the packages," Virginia
>> commented.
Crow06: [as Virginia] Last time you kicked the packages all the way
down the halls to your quarters and broke everything.
Tom10: So, Mike, if they don't have money in the Star Trek universe...
Mike10: Yes?
Tom10: And their replicators can create any product they have on file...
Mike10: Yes?
Tom10: And the holodeck can create anything they don't have on file but
can imagine...
Mike10: Yes...?
Tom10: Can I have two pence for a chocolate eclair?
Mike10: No, Penfold, you cannot.
>> "Mom, you should really rest," Katherine stated, seriously.
Crow08: [as Kathy] You look all old and stuff.
>> "Kerstin, your still acting Captain of the Roanoke, aren't you?"
Mike13: [as Kerstin] Well... just the understudy, really; why do you
ask?
Tom08: Man, this proofreader misses more bad shots than Ottawa's
third-string goalie.
Tom06: THERE ARE RULES ABOUT THE USE OF APOSTROPHES! YOUR, YOU'RE!
THERE, THEY'RE, THEIR!! YOUR, YOU'RE!! THERE, THEY'RE, THEIR!!
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, GET IT RIGHT, RATLIFF!!!! [breaks down
sobbing]
Mike06: Feel better now, Tom?
Tom06: No, Mike, I do not.
>> "Yes, Why?" Kerstin replied.
Crow09: [as Kathy] Let's take it for a joyride and buzz the Klingons.
It'll be cool!
>> "Confine her to quarters, if she disobeys,
Tom10: [as Kathy] ...Kill her.
>> try the brig," Kathy
>> said. "She is not going to get well shopping on DS9.
Tom13: THAT's for sure. You ever seen the prices in that place?
Holy smokes!
Mike13: Yeah, and the food court just has a sleazy sushi bar and a
Chick-Fil-A.
Tom10: She's already bought enough Random Stuff to last her through
three complete redesigns of the Starfleet uniforms.
Mike10: Oh, only two weeks' worth?
>> Mom, I haven't
>> seen you this pale since right after you
Tom08: [as Kathy] ...Watched the last episode of "Voyager."
>> fought that Cardassian in
>> hand-to-hand combat, just four days after you gave birth to Kerstin."
Crow07: Backstory.
Tom07: ...Directed by Ron Howard?
Mike09: Once again, I blame this on the HMO's.
Crow09: Yeah, I can remember when new mothers had to wait over two
weeks before Ultimate Fighting.
>> "How could you remember that?" Mary asked, palefaced.
>> "I was 12 years old at the time," Katherine responded.
Mike10: Oh, that was the year she was only a Rear Admiral.
Crow08: [as Captain Mary] Oh, thanks dear. I forgot. You know, with
47 kids and triplets on the way, I tend to lose track.
>> "As I
>> recall, you came back missing the upper half of your uniform and with a
>> rather large gash in your side."
Tom10: You know, I'm glad we missed *this* story.
Mike06: Kathy was a little too young to understand the concept of S&M....
Tom06: [as Mary] I *told* you... I fell down and cut myself while I was
table-dancing for the crew!!!
Tom09: Oh, no, it *is* Manos In Space!
Mike09: [as Torgo] MaRrIsSa WaNtS yOu BuT sHe CaNnOt HaVe YoU!!
Tom09: Please don't do that, Mike!
Crow09: Yeah, we scare easy!
Mike09: Since when?!?
Mike04: Good lord! That's disgusting! Has Ratliff suddenly transformed into
Larry Flynt?
Tom04: Milos Forman and Oliver Stone present: "The People Versus Stephen
Ratliff." List of charges: one hundred and ten thousand counts
of aggravated punctuation; eighteen thousand transgressions of the
Corny Joke and Interstate Logging Act of 1967; transporting
underage girls across the Neutral Zone for immoral purposes;
and impersonation of an actual author.
>> Captain Mary Szustakowski paled more at the memory as Kerstin
>> spoke up, "Captain Mary Szustakowski,
Mike09: So this is Captain Mary Szustakowski?
Tom09: It's just possible it's Captain Mary Szustakowski.
Crow09: I don't know about it being Captain Mary Szustakowski, but I'll
bet my bottom dollar this story has Captain Mary Szustakowski
in it.
>> as of this Stardate, you are
>> confined to quarters.
Crow13: [falsetto] No nickels or dimes for you, young captain.
>> You will remain there until such a time as you
>> are declared fit by Medical personnel. Lieutenants Lochard and
>> Szustakowski, would you see to her confinement? I'm expected in Ops."
Crow09: Yay! We arrested Mom!
Tom09: Also known as Captain Mary Szustakowski.
Mike08: [as Captain Mary] My daughter's such a loving dear to put me
under house arrest....
Crow04: I don't get it.
Tom04: What just happened?
Mike04: Who cares? I mean, really.
Tom13: Did *any* part of that scene have any point, whatsoever?
Crow13: Where have you been? There hasn't been a point to any of this
since "Enterprized."
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "Brag all you want, but don't stand between me and the bloodwine"
>> -CPT Benjiman Sisko, DS9
Mike13: [as Dracula] I do not drink... did you say, "bloooodvine"??
Mike07: "Benjiman"?
Mike09: Any relation to CPO Sharkey?
Mike08: Factual note --- "CPT" is the abbreviation for an ARMY captain,
the equivalent of a Navy lieutenant (O-3). A Starfleet captain
is the equivalent of a Navy captain or an Army colonel (O-6).
Bots08: Faaaaa--
Mike08: Muzzle it! It had to be said.
[The text freezes on the screen. Replicants stay put.]
[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]
[SOL control room]
[Crow is alone, skulking about. He has what might be an animal skin
draped over his shoulders and a small sword is attached to his hands.]
MAGIC VOICE: The bleached, pale rays of fluorescence beat down
tirelessly with pearly radiance upon the clutter strewn holds which
dominate the greater portions of the Satellite of Love. A lone
figure singularly circumnavigates the foot trodden floor in an
elliptical circle, petulantly pacing about with heaving strides. A
buttercup yellow snout of gold protuberating from his face, he sniffs
the myriad scents assaulting his olfactory organ. The struggling mind
of the wandering barbarian veritably whirls with blinding speed of
energetic contemplation and impressed excellence of thought, readying
his confisticated weapon to face dread horrors he knows not how to
face.
[Tom Servo, in a blond wig, zips onto stage.]
TOM: [falsetto] Hello!
CROW: [stilted delivery] AHHHH! What manner of child doth I, Grignr of
Ecordia, behold with mine orbs of seeing!?
TOM: I'm no child! I am Princess Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber
Flores Picard, adopted daughter of Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Second
Officer on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893, adopted daughter of Admiral
Jean-Luc Picard, Fighter Commander on the USS Stargazer NCC-2893,
adopted daughter of Admiral Jean-Luc Picard, Coordinating Officer of
Starfleet Kids' Crews, Princess, and Heir to the Throne of the planet
Essex.
CROW: Do these auditory organs of mine deceive me!? Didst thou sayeth
thou art a princess!? I shall never understand your twisted
"civilization" with its warped and distorted ways! You put this
child in authority over real men. I wish only to walk around
unbathed and naked save for a loincloth, guzzle ale, throw myself
upon every buxom female I see, steal whatever baubles strike my
fancy, and scream like a maniac whilst disemboweling anyone who gets
in my way, yet *I* am called the "barbarian"!
TOM: You just watch it, Grignr. I've got a 21:14 Kobayashi Maru time,
so you'd better do whatever I say!
CROW: Ha ha! You city bred dogs should not antagonize your betters so
whimsicoracally, or thou shalt stunt the perusal of thine longevity!
I have slain dozens of stout swordsmen who opposed me!
TOM: That's nothing! I've vaporized thousands of aliens.
CROW: Even as a boy of merely twelve solarian revolutions of age, I slew
those who insulted me thusly.
TOM: What took you so long? I killed half a dozen Trakce warriors and
stole their hair ribbons when I was just ten. I've also beaten up
ambassadors, handed out speeding tickets, humiliated every adult who
opposed my authority, saved entire planets, destroyed fleets,
traveled through time, and exchanged gibes with an omnipotent being.
CROW: How canst this be? I cannot bear such tyranny. Prepare to kiss
the fleeting ebon steed of death, wench!
TOM: You asked for it, Grignr!
CROW: Behold as I crush prudence to the sward, steel my quivering thews,
luxuriate in the grips of a primitive, beastly blood lust, and send
my sword on a sweeping arc of crimsoned death and maiming destruction
in a shadowed blur of motion!
[Crow swings his sword at Tom. Tom backs up a little and Crow misses.]
TOM: Missed me.
CROW: AUGH! I hast over-extended myself and twisted my joint of
connecting my foot to my leg! I must try again.
[Crow swings again at Tom. Again, Tom backs up a little and Crow
misses.]
TOM: Ha ha!
CROW: AUGH! I have twisted my *other* joint of connecting my foot to my
leg! The murky, dark, charcoal clouds of ebony enshroud me all about.
I am entangled all too lividly in the grim web of reality! A sheet of
unconsciousness descends upon me....
[Tom bonks Crow on the head. Crow topples over.]
TOM: [still falsetto] They never learn.
[Mike comes on camera, applauding. Crow stands up again.]
MIKE: Great job, guys. I can't believe you did the whole thing without
going off-script.
CROW: Well, Mike, suppose --- just suppose --- we took that thing off-
script. Where would we take it *to*?
[pause]
MIKE: Good point.
[Fanfic sign flashes and Mike taps it. They step aside so that Cambot
can head for the theater.]
[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]
[theater]
[The text resumes scrolling.]
>>
>>
>> From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>> Subject: NEW DS9 Premier Maquis pt 10
>> Date: 5 Nov 1996 14:45:14 GMT
>> Organization: Radford University
>> Lines: 175
>> Message-ID: <55njtq$9...@newslink.runet.edu>
>> NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2-gw.runet.edu
>> X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>>
>>
>> Star Trek : DS9
>> Premier Maquis
>> A Marrissa Story, Stargazer Mission
>> by Stephen Ratliff
>> part 10
Mike06: We reached resolution in part *7*! This thing will never end!
Bots06: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Tom06 and Crow06 respond, shall we say, explosively to this concept.]
Mike06: [looks at the two defunct bots] Oops.
[As Cambot flashes the update, the old digits fly apart in a ]
[spray of pixels, then resolve into the new digits. ]
[ Replicants remaining: 19 ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 26 ]
[ Fanfic status: 75% complete ]
>> parts serialized weekly.
Tom04: Does that say "weakly"?
Tom09: Parts weakly sur-realized.
>> previous parts and other Marrissa Stories avialable at:
>> http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/works/stories.html
>>
>> Chapter Nine
Tom07: Premier Maquis: First Blood Part II.
>>
>> Captain Benjamin Sisko rang the bell,
Mike10: [singing "Good 'n Plenty" jingle again] He loves his Szustakowski,
more than any other candy that he loves so well.
Bots10: [background] Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski Szustakowski.
>> calling the court-martial
Tom08: ...A farce.
>> to order.
Mike06: [as Sisko] Order up!
>> On his right sat Doctor Julian Bashir, his left, Lieutenant
>> Sam Lavelle.
Tom10: Now they were ready for a "Crossfire" debate.
Mike09: What happened to "Command Rank or Higher?"
Tom09: It's Ratliff's Universe; *anyone* can be a starship commander.
Crow09: Even Captain Mary Szustakowski.
>> At the persecutors table
Mike10: Civil liberties have taken nasty steps backward in the 24th
century.
Crow09: A timely yet biting commentary on the state of the justice
system today?
Mike09: A semi-remembered word accidentally garbled?
Tom09: Or yet another misspelling from the Radford Warrior?
All09: YOU make the call!
>> sat Lieutenant Commander Worf.
>> The defendant, Ro Laren sat at the defense's table,
Tom10: While the defending attorney, lost, was wandering through a
Hammett Learning store on the second floor of the mall.
>> not in uniform.
Tom04: Clad instead in a lovely negligee.
Mike09: Next on Court TV, the Nude Court-Martial Hour!
Tom13: Well, if she's not in uniform, she must not be in Starfleet.
Case dismissed!
Mike06: Usually the table would be in uniform for an occasion like this,
but today was Casual Furniture Day on DS9....
Crow07: I think Ratliff has a seating order fetish.
>> Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard sat beside her, a smile crossing
>> her face
Mike13: [as Sisko] Something FUNNY, Lieutenant Commander??
Tom13: [as Marrissa] Yeah, your fly's undone.
>> as Sisko asked. "Mister Worf, would you please read the
>> charges?"
Mike04: [as Worf] Positive, and negative.
Tom09: [as Worf] Room and board for three nights, $79.95 per night;
Room Service, $37.90; One pay-movie, "Rhonda Does Romulus,"
$19.95....
>> "Ro Laren, Lieutenant, last assignment, CONN Officer, USS
>> Enterprise,
Tom10: [as announcer] ...Caught up in the wheels of progress.
>> is charged with sabotaging a mission, five counts of
>> attacking a Federation Starship, one count of attempted take over of a
>> Star Fleet vessel, and going absent without leave," Worf read.
Mike10: ...And two hardboiled eggs.
Tom10: And two hardboiled eggs.
Crow10: <Honk!>
Tom10: Three hardboiled eggs.
>> "Defense, do you accept the charges?" Sisko asked.
Mike08: Is this a trial or a collect call?!
>> "No, I do not" Marrissa replied. Lieutenants Lavelle and
>> Bashir's mouths dropped.
Mike08: As they retrieved them, Ro made a break for it.
>> Sisko was taken back as well.
Tom13: Must have been the wrong size.
Mike13: That was supposed to be "taken *aback*", GrammarBot.
Mike10: [as Sisko] Yeah, this is much better than getting blown up
by the Borg....
Tom09: So just because Ro got the brat for a defense counsel, she's
supposed to meekly accept her fate?!?
Mike09: Jurisprudence is so much easier if no one fights back.
>> "All the
>> charges after Stardate 47897, are not in the jurisdiction of this
>> court."
Crow13: Who's going to try her for destroying Starfleet property, Lance
Ito??
Mike13: Well, at least Ito's a *judge*, unlike Sisko.
Tom13: Yeah, how come Ratliff can't make up new characters? Why does
he just stuff existing characters into roles that they have no
reason for being in?
Mike13: Well, the casting is cheaper....
Tom13: It's a *story*! There's no casting costs for *writing*!
Crow13: Face it, Mike. He stumped you.
>> "I'm afraid I must disagree, Miss Picard," Sisko responded.
Tom08: "X" gets the square.
>> Before Sisko could get in his pronouncement, Marrissa continued,
Crow13: Because interrupting the judge is sound legal strategy.
Mike04: ...And was found in contempt of court and sentenced to a penal
colony.
Bots04: YAAAAAY!
>> "A Starfleet court-martial can only try someone on events happening
>> while they are in Starfleet. Ro Laren was not in Starfleet after that
>> STARDATE."
Tom04: And she certainly won't be after this FANFIC.
Tom07: And what makes you think that desertion removes someone from
military jurisdiction?
Crow09: [as Marrissa] Do it MY way. MINE MINE MINE MINE!!!!
>> "Mister Worf, can you counter that?" Sisko asked.
Mike06: [as Magic:The Gathering player] Sorry, sir, I don't have any
Counterspells left in my hand....
Mike13: [as Worf] No, I do not have two blue mana available.
Crow13: Huh?
Mike13: Magic:The Gathering reference.
Crow13: Oh.
>> "I ask for a recess," Worf replied, frustrated.
Tom08: [as Worf] And I also call dibs on the swing set!
Tom13: [as Worf] Thinking is not my strong suit.
>> "One hour recess granted," Sisko responded, hitting the bell.
Mike08: [as Sisko] But no horseplay....
Tom09: And they all went to play on the swings and slide and make mud pies.
Crow10: [as Ro] Recess... it's the worst time of the day. Well, except
for the morning. And the evening. And night isn't that good
either. Okay, so recess is among the worst times of the day.
I bet I got a peanut butter sandwich again.
>>
>> An hour later, Sisko reconvened the court. "Mister Worf, your
>> counter please," he asked.
Crow10: [as Worf] Formica.
Mike09: [as Worf] Formica, sir.
Crow13: [as Worf] As you can see, it is the highest quality Formica, with
an added layer of polyurethane for scratch and stain resistance.
Tom04: [as Worf] It is stain-resistant Formica... as it was in the days of
Kahless.
>> "I regret that I must agree with Lieutenant Commander Picard,"
>> Worf responded.
All09: BOO! Hiss!
Tom08: [as Worf] It's right here in the script.
>> "Ro Laren's commanding officer at the time, now Rear
>> Admiral Jean-Luc Picard has supported that statement." Then muttering
Mike08: ...incoherently,
>> he
>> sat down. "I suspect Marrissa got to him first."
Crow08: And badgered him into agreement.
Tom13: What gave it away, the cement shoes he was sporting?
Crow10: Yeah, we all know Marrissa had him brainwashed a *long* time
ago....
Crow04: Marrissa has the entire Admiralty twisted around her little
finger.
>> "What was that Worf?" Doctor Bashir asked.
Mike07: I don't know. I've never seen a Worf like that before.
Crow09: [as Bashir] I didn't quite hear you, you no-good lousy
STINKING JADZIA-STEALER OF A KLINGON, YOU!!!!
>> "Nothing Doctor," Worf replied.
Mike04: [as Bashir] Don't call me that! I'm a *somebody*!
Mike06: [as Bashir] You're talking about me, aren't you?! Come on,
admit it!
Mike08: Discipline or not, I don't think that Bashir would ever get
away with asking a question threateningly to a senior officer
who could rip his arms out of their sockets.
>> "That leaves the charge of abandoning a mission, sabotaging it
>> as a result," Captain Sisko stated.
Crow13: Well, that's easy. She went AWOL during the mission, which meant
she resigned, which meant she wasn't in Starfleet when the mission
was sabotaged!
Mike13: Sounds like bona fide Ratliff logic there.
>> "Mr. Worf, call your witness."
Tom13: [as Worf] Calling Hanover Fist.
Crow13: Did you just watch "Heavy Metal" or something?
>> "I call Captain William T. Riker, commanding the starship
>> Enterprise," Worf called.
Mike10: If he hasn't blown it up yet today.
Tom09: How far up the alphabet do ya' think ol' Will's gotten the good
ship "Enterprise"?
Crow09: Knowing Riker, he's probably on "1701-M" by now.
>> "Aren't you lucky that he was vacationing here," Marrissa
>> commented as Riker entered.
Mike08: Wasn't Ratliff lucky that he hadn't run out of cameo roles?
>> "Luck had nothing to do with it," Riker said as he sat down.
Crow13: Plot contrivances, however, had everything to do with it.
Crow07: Gee, do you think maybe a *summons from the court* had something
to do with it?!
Mike06: [as Riker] Marrissa wished for my appearance, and lo!
I ran here.
Tom09: Marrissa manipulates the laws of chance to favor herself.
Mike04: No! Look out! It's Riker's evil Maquis double! He'll kill you
all! Run! Run for your lives!
Tom10: [as Riker] I was half an hour late getting back to the dock last
time Enterprise was here, they left and haven't come back for me
yet. It's been three months. I'm worried.
>> Worf began his question, "Captain, on Stardate 47865, you were
>> serving as first officer of the Enterprise NCC-1701-D, where you not?"
Tom13: [as Riker] Yes, I not be on the Enterprise NCC-1701-D.
Mike09: [as Riker] I not in Bermuda, I not at a Broadway play, I not
swimming with a beautiful redhead on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet,
I not a lot of places.
Tom08: Where is he not?
Mike08: He is not in this fanfic. It's a doppelganger.
Tom08: *Ssshhhh.* You'll give away the secret ending.
Crow08: Oh, like anyone else is still reading.
>> "Yes, that is the position I held," Captain Riker stated.
Mike08: It was just a temp job, but I got free coffee.
Tom10: [as Worf] And you are aware that as a guy in a courtroom scene
I can turn statements into questions by ending them with "are you
not," are you not?"
>> "Beginning on that STARDATE
Crow04: I just figured out why this is always CAPITALIZED.
Mike04: Why?
Crow04: Because Ratilff is using a MACRO.
>> Ro Laren began a undercover mission
Mike13: To squeeze the Charmin when Mr. Whipple wasn't looking.
>> to flush out Maquis, correct?" Worf questioned.
All04: [flushing noises]
>> "I was so informed," Riker responded.
Tom10: [as Worf] It is the case that the discovery of paper is
generally credited to the Chinese government official Ts'ai Lun,
in the year 105 A.D., is it not?
>> "Five days later you joined her as her 'brother,' correct?"
Crow04: Hey, that's way too kinky!
Mike04: He means, joined her *on the mission*.
Crow04: Oh.
Crow13: [as Worf] And you gave her a "spanking" for being "naughty,"
correct?
Mike08: Oh, there's just such a family resemblance.
Tom08: She has his eyes.
Crow08: She won them in a poker game.
>> "Yes."
>> "Please tell me what happened during the next couple of days."
Tom08: [as Riker] Well, I went on a bender, and things got a little fuzzy
after that....
Tom07: And for pity's sake, please keep your answer relevant to the trial.
>> "The Maquis had been fed information that the Cardassians were
>> trying to construct a biogentic weapon, and that the components of that
>> weapon
Tom10: You know, mitochondrial DNA, messenger RNA, cytoplasm....
>> were on a convoy passing near the DMZ.
Tom09: Mercy sakes, good buddies, looks like we got us a convoy!
>> Ro had convinced the
>> Maquis that taking the convoy would be a good idea.
Mike04: [as ditzy model in Playboy TV commercial] That'd be a good idea!
Crow10: The Maquis, as always, were desperate for *any* idea.
>> The Enterprise and
>> several other starships were hidden in a nearby nebula.
Crow09: Disguised as bread trucks.
Mike08: A CONVENIENT nearby nebula.
Mike10: Fooling all the people who haven't seen this trick eighteen
billion times already.
>> Just before the
>> Maquis raiders were to leave the DMZ, Ro scanned the nebula revealing
>> the Star Fleet vessels.
Tom10: I spy with my little eye, something that begins with an "S".
>> The Maquis did not leave the zone. She gave me
>> a message for the Captain and beamed off."
Crow08: And she really shouldn't have beamed off like that in public.
Tom13: No one will remain seated during the Episode Summary scene.
>> "And what was that message."
Mike09: [as Riker] Cheese off, baldy!
Crow13: [as Riker] Bite me!
Mike13: How did I know that was coming?
>> "I'm afraid that I don't recall it."
Mike04: I see he's been reviewing the tapes of the Iran-Contra affair.
Crow08: Thank you, President Reagan. You may step down.
Tom09: Soon after, Will Riker went to Congress.
>> "Thank you, Captain," Worf responded. "Your witness, Marrissa."
Mike08: [as Marrissa] Just what I always wanted.
Mike04: [as Marrissa] I'll take him!
Bots04: Eeeewwwwww!
>> "Captain Riker, why did then Captain Picard send you to join
>> Ro?" Marrissa asked, standing up and walking over to Riker.
Tom13: ...Nuzzling him ever so slightly.
Mike10: [as Riker] Picard doesn't like *me* either.
Crow04: [as Riker] He thought we made a cute couple.
Crow08: [as Riker] He thought we made a cute couple.
>> "He believed that Ro might not be able to complete the mission,"
>> Riker responded.
Crow13: Oh, Riker responded all right....
>> "So the Captain knew that Ro might not be able to complete the
>> mission, yet left her on the mission," Marrissa stated.
Tom10: You sure she didn't "declare" it? Or "comment," or "repeat,"
or even "assert"?
>> "Tell me
>> Captain,
Crow13: [as Marrissa] How many licks *does* it take to get to the
Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop?
Crow08: [as Marrissa] Why do I have to speak in such redundant, stilted
dialogue?
>> about how far back in your opinion did this concern go?"
>> "In my opinion, Captain Picard did not want her on this mission
>> in the first place," Riker said.
Mike08: Was This Trip Really Necessary?
>> "So Ro was sent on a mission, which her Commanding Officer did
>> not think she could complete, and she did not.
Mike10: Mission accomplished!
>> Tell me Captain,
Tom10: [singing] ...what to do, when a boy makes eyes at you...
Bots10: [singing] Tell me Captain, what to say, when he looks at me
that way....
>> why
>> then was she sent on that mission?"
Tom09: Just for laughs, y'know? Somethin' to do.
Mike13: [as Riker] Well, it was in the script, you see....
>> "Admiral Carstairs gave the order," Riker remarked.
Tom08: Which surprised everyone, considering he's been dead for at
LEAST sixty years.
Mike08: Just goes to show that you can't simply grab the Star Trek
Encyclopedia off the shelf and strip-mine it for character
names....
Mike10: [as Riker] Well, we *thought* that was the order, anyway. You
know, he mumbles and has this weird accent. Now we think maybe he
was ordering breakfast.
Mike04: Carstairs... isn't that one of those useless Ronco products?
Tom04: [as announcer] Be the envy of every bus in Jolly Olde England
with new Car Stairs.
Crow04: You could even cut a tin can with it!
>> "Admiral Carstairs, wasn't he the one who as a starship Captain
>> put Ro up before another court-martial."
Crow08: But he was just funnin'.
Mike07: No, this is the Admiral JOHN Carstairs, who invented Tang.
>> "Yes."
>> "No further questions," Marrissa said quickly returning to her
>> seat.
Crow13: So? He put her up before a court-martial and then sent her on a
suicide mission. Your point?
All07: [Hum the "L.A. Law" theme]
>> "You may step down," Sisko said. "Lieutenant Commander Picard,
>> you will refrain from making any more insinuations on people not here to
>> defend themselves."
Tom08: [as Sisko] How DARE you state matters of public record in my
courtroom?!
>> "When did I do that?" Marrissa smiled, innocently.
Crow09: Who, me?
Mike09: Yes, you!
Crow09: Couldn't be!
Mike09: Then who?
Crow04: [Bugs Bunny voice] Innocent as a newborn baby --- baby RAT,
that is.
>> "You know darn well,"
Tom13: [singing] ...when you cast your spell, you get your way...
When you hypnotize, with your eyes....
>> Sisko responded. "Your next witness,
>> Worf."
Crow04: The great Marrissa can slander with impunity.
>> "The prosecution rests," Worf replied.
Mike10: Rests on what?
>> Sisko raised an eyebrow.
Crow09: Wha --- he's only calling *one* witness?!?
Mike09: Obviously, Worf didn't inherit grandpa's legal acumen.
Crow08: [as Worf] I've read ahead in the story, and Marrissa makes me
look like a chump anyway, so I figure, screw it.
>> "Lieutenant Commander Picard, call your first witness please."
Tom08: [as Marrissa] I call my first witness "Nude Descending a
Staircase."
Mike07: Tom, in how many sentences so far has Ratliff botched comma
placement?
Tom07: Oh... just a few hundred.
>> "I call Ro Laren," Marrissa stated.
Tom13: [as Ro] Uh... I plead the fifth!
Crow13: [as Marrissa, whispering] I'm the DEFENSE, you dolt.
Tom13: [as Ro] Oh! Uh, right.
>> Ro stood up, walked up to
>> the witness chair and sat down.
Tom09: She stood up.
Crow09: Check.
Tom09: She walked to the chair.
Mike09: The *witness* chair.
Crow09: Check.
Tom09: And she sat down.
Crow09: Check.
Tom09: Okay, just making sure.
Tom08: Then she stood up again...
Mike08: Straightened her uniform...
Crow08: Brushed it for lint...
Tom08: And sat down in the witness chair again.
>> "Ro, Captain Riker stated that my
>> father, Jean-Luc Picard, was worried about your ability to complete the
>> mission from the beginning.
Mike06: So he started her out halfway through the mission instead.
>> How did you feel about the mission."
Tom04: [as Ro] I felt like a period to end an interrogative sentence.
Crow08: [as Ro] I thought I was in love with the mission, but the mission
just wanted to be good friends.
>> "Objection," Worf interrupted.
Tom10: [as Worf] The defense should phrase her question as a question.
>> "Feelings are not relevant."
Crow09: Feelings are not relevant. Plot is not relevant. You will be
assimi --- aw, fergit it.
Tom13: [Singing] Feelings... nothing more than feelings....
>> "Overruled.
Crow09: [as Sisko] Marrissa's always right. Admit it!
>> Ro's feelings about this mission are very much a
>> part of this case. Go ahead."
Mike08: [as Sisko] You know Marrissa's gonna win, so suck it up.
>> Ro drew in a deep breath and began, "Well at first I just
>> thought it was another mission.
Tom04: [as Ro] Then I realized it was Kraft. And, boy, was I ever
delighted. It's the cheesiest.
Mike04: How apropos.
>> Then after my cover was set, something
>> familiar hit.
Crow10: [as Ro] A 16-ton weight.
Mike10: [as Ro] A roundhouse punch to the jaw.
Crow08: Boredom!
Tom09: Ro likes green chilis, but they don't like her....
>> The role I was acting was like the time I spent in the
>> Bajoran Resistance. I began to feel like a Cardassian plant.
Mike10: [as Ro] Like some kind of evil daffodil or something, I don't
know.
Crow08: [as Ro] With a great big trunk, and green leaves, and deep,
deep roots. I never knew photosynthesis could make me feel so
*sexy*....
Mike13: I am not a potted plant!
>> Eventually I got over it.
Tom08: [as Ro] And I'll make Picard pay, too! Never felt so good in my
life, and *he* had to uproot me, strip away my bark!
>> But as I got to know the people, the feeling
>> returned. When the Cardassians attacked the town where I was living, I
Crow08: Wet 'em.
>> defended myself. In the fire fight, the leader of the cell,
All10: [singing] He's the leader of the pack....
>> who I had
>> grown close to died.
Tom08: [as Ro] You see, I have this "Captain Kirk" clause in my
contract....
>> Suddenly everything had changed.
Mike06: [as Ro] The series was coming to an end, and I had to look for
another way to make a living.
>> I wasn't a Star
>> Fleet Officer looking at people who were disobeying the law.
Crow10: [as Sisko] Uh, yeah, that's interesting, uh, hey, I just
remembered I don't have the security clearance to hear this,
so just be quiet now, okay?
>> I was one
>> of them. I had felt and shared their loss. I was apart of them.
Mike08: I should hope so.
Mike04: I thought you said you were *with* them.
Tom13: [as Ro] And I couldn't bear to be a part from them any longer!
>> I
>> also discovered that I was his chosen successor. I did not want to let
>> them down, but I also didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
Mike08: So, peer pressure, basically.
Tom08: Uh huh.
Crow10: [as Ro] So I started looking for the biggest possible way that
I could screw up.
>> "That's when then Commander Riker joined you," Marrissa
>> prompted.
Mike04: [looks at Crow04] On the *mission*, remember?
Mike06: [as Ro] Yes, and the moment I felt his hot, stinking breath on
my neck, I knew I couldn't be a Starfleet officer under him for
another minute....
Crow13: "C:\", she prompted.
Tom13: I don't get it.
Crow13: Oh, you wouldn't, MAC-BOY!
Crow08: Objection!
Mike08: You can't object.
Crow08: I mean I object to the story.
Mike08: Oh, well, yeah, you can definitely do that.
Tom08: I find this story in contempt!
Mike08: I find this story BENEATH contempt.
>> "Yes, I have to admit I was resentful of the Commander being
>> added. It was as if Captain Picard didn't trust me.
Crow13: Oh, and that was *such* an unfounded opinion....
Mike10: And they'd had such a warm, loving relationship up to that point.
Crow09: So, she began to sympathize with these people, took over command
of their little group, and starting getting chummy with them, and
she's upset Picard *might not trust her*?!?
>> On top of that,
Tom08: [as Ro] He had more lines!
>> the plan to capture the Maquis who had become my friends had me
>> doubting my loyalties as well."
Mike07: [as Ro] I'm not bad, I'm just overly friendly.
Tom10: Benedict Laren. Has a certain ring to it.
>> "What made you decide to resign and protect your new friends?"
Tom09: [as Ro] A chance to do some real acting on "Homicide:LOTS."
Mike13: [as Ro] Their health plan.
Tom10: [as Ro] I found out Starfleet's new medical plan was not going
to cover my nose condition.
Crow08: [as Ro] I plead stupidity.
>> "I think it was that friendship ...
Mike04 [as Ro] ...A feeling I sometimes have for my friends.
>> During the time I was in
>> Star Fleet, I never developed many friends.
Tom07: Oh, that's so sad.
Mike07: <sniff> I know.
[Mike07, Tom07, and Crow07 start crying.]
Mike08: [as Ro] They always picked me last for volleyball and pantsed me
in the halls.
Crow04: [as Ro] Then I developed --- and, boy, there were so many friends,
I had to beat them off with a stick.
Mike04: I'd hurt you, but that was a good one.
>> When I served under
>> Captain Carstairs on the Challenger, I was on the fast track, and not
>> many people were willing to associate with a Bajoran.
Mike10: After all, Bajorans were just a society that had brought
civilization, advancements, and peace to hundreds of worlds
for a millennium or two. Don't want that type hanging out around
*us*.
>> At the time our
>> home world was still occupied by the Cardassians and we were seen as
>> little more than stray dogs.
Mike09: That's not true at all! And stay out of my flower bed!
Tom04: [as Ro] One time they almost had me put to sleep!
[Mike07 and the Bots07 continue crying, leaning on each other for
support.]
>> Then I was court-martialed for disobeying
>> orders that I couldn't
Tom10: [as Ro] ...Even hint at, because nobody really thought through
my "origin story."
>> obey in good conscience.
Crow13: [as Ro] Serve potatoes instead of stuffing? No *WAY*!
>> When I was assigned to
>> the Enterprise, the shadow of that court-martial followed me around.
Mike13: [whiny voice] Stop following meeeeee!
Mike06: [as Ro] Until I got a court order telling the shadow to stay
at least 150 feet away at all times.
Mike04: Then the gaffer adjusted the Klieg lights, and the shadow abruptly
vanished.
Tom09: Ooh, Ro's fighting the Shadow Wars.
Mike09: Maybe in some alternate universe, Sheridan is in command of Deep
Space Nine and Sisko runs Babylon Five.
Crow09: I dunno --- I just can't see Bruce Boxleitner as Hawk.
Mike09: How about Avery Brooks as the Scarecrow?
Tom09: Yeah, with Kate Mulgrew as Mrs. King.
>> I
>> still didn't get many friends,
[Mike07 and the Bots07 are sobbing even louder now.]
>> with the exception of Guinan, hostess in
>> Ten-Forward.
Tom10: [as Ro] You know, her people were wiped out by the Borg, who are
these really dumb enemies we stole from Battlestar Galactica and
Dr. Who, which you know first went on the air the day after
President Kennedy was shot, and he was the president who committed
the U.S. to landing a man on the moon by 1970, and one time on the
original series the Enterprise went back in time to just before one
of those moon shots, and we met up with that Enterprise crew back in
the first Ratliff fanfic, so you see how it all ties together.
>> I never felt like I belonged. The Maquis, after I passed
>> though there initial suspicions, made me feel like I belonged."
Crow08: [Godfather voice] You're one of the family, now, Ro.
Tom10: Well, gee, if that's the way you felt about the situation, then
I guess we should just break every single precedent set by
military law just for you, huh?
Tom13: Sheesh... Woody Allen isn't that wordy in his monologues.
>> "One last question," Marrissa asked.
Crow10: Is there anything you might say that's even vaguely relevant to
this fanfic?
>> "Knowing what you know
>> now, would you have taken that mission?"
>> "No, I didn't have the loyalty and ties to Star Fleet that it
>> takes to go undercover," Ro replied.
Tom07: IT'S SO TRUE!!!!!
Crow07: BWAAAAAAHH!!!
[Mike07, Tom07, and Crow07 are now sobbing uncontrollably. Apparently,
this is not good for replicants. Soon, they cease crying, and cease
doing pretty much anything else.]
[The old digits sort of melt away and flow into new ones, as ]
[Cambot flashes the update: ]
[ Replicants remaining: 16 ]
[ Replicants destroyed: 29 ]
[ Fanfic status: 82% complete ]
>> "I didn't know that then,
Crow10: Even though she hated the entire command structure, knew no one
in the fleet that she liked, and empathized with a resistance
movement fighting overwhelming odds, she still didn't know....
>> but I do
>> now."
Tom08: [as Ro] I plead TEMPORARY disloyalty.
Crow13: That was so beautiful... they can't convict her now!
>> "Your witness, Worf," Marrissa concluded.
>> "You stated that you were beginning to doubt yourself way before
>> you resigned," Worf recapped.
Mike04: [as Worf] Klingons do *not* say "way."
Tom09: Maybe it's just me, but I don't see Worf as the kind of guy who
uses "way before" in a sentence.
Crow09: This was Worf's "Baywatch" period.
>> "Why didn't you ask to be pulled off the
>> mission?"
Mike13: [as Ro] I needed the experience points to make it to 8th level.
>> "I felt that I could push myself though the doubts," Ro
>> responded. "And I didn't want to let Captain Picard down."
Crow10: Even though he was expecting failure.
>> "An honorable intention," Worf replied. "But you still let him
>> down. You disobeyed orders, abandoned your post, betrayed your fellow
>> officers..."
Mike08: You scamp!
Mike09: Taken leave of your senses...
Tom09: Shot yourself in the foot...
Crow09: Voided your warranty....
Mike10: Overshadowed the acting ability of the series regulars...
Crow10: Oh, I wouldn't go *that* far.
Tom13: [as gameshow announcer] And you made yourself look like a jerk
in front of millions of people! You don't get to come back
tomorrow! You don't even get a lousy copy of our home game!
You're a *complete* *loser*!
>> "Objection, badgering the witness," Marrissa interrupted.
Tom04: No, more like targ-ing the witness.
Tom09: That's right --- LARRY!!!!!
Crow13: Badgers?!?! We don't need no STEEEENKING badgers!
Mike13: Wow! Two "Weird" Al references in a row! I think that's a
record!
>> "Sustained," Sisko rang.
Crow04: Bashir answered him; there was nothing but a ghostly silence.
Mike10: Now, I always thought it'd be Odo who would turn into a bell
and ring, but I have been wrong before.
>> "The prosecution will refrain from
Crow08: [as Sisko] ...Making any headway in the case.
>> resighting
Crow10: [snickering] Can you imagine what that looked like before the
spell checker fixed it?
>> a list of the offenses the defendant is on trail for."
Tom04: Heaven forbid the court ever actually remembering why they're
here.
Tom10: That would be dangerously relevant.
Mike06: Okay, I'll bite... why is Ro on a "trail" and why is Worf lining
up his "sights" on her list of offenses?
Tom08: Proofreader? Speak to me!
>> "No further questions," Worf concluded. A shaken
Crow13: \
Tom04: - Not stirred.
Crow09: /
>> Ro descended
>> from the stand.
Mike06: Hey, they're using a Stephen King book to hold up the witness
chair.
Crow08: THAT was a cross-examination?!
>> "The Defense would like to enter into the record, the
>> defendant's last Commanding Officer's recommendations and comments,"
>> Marrissa asked.
>> "Does the Prosecution have any objections?" Sisko asked.
Crow13: [as Worf] Yes. Her shoes do not match her dress *at all*.
Tom04: Well, how about ... ARE THEY EVEN REMOTELY RELEVANT TO THE CASE?!
Crow04: Like that would make any difference in this court.
>> "No, your honor," Worf replied.
Mike10: He knows he'd just get overruled anyway.
Mike09: Okay, quick quiz, guys. Which would you rather have: Marrissa
for your captain, or Worf for your lawyer?
Bots09: Um, er, ah, well, I don't, geez, that's...
Mike09: Answer: It doesn't matter --- if they screw up, they'll both just
kill you and pin it all on you posthumously.
>> "So entered," Sisko stated.
>> "The Defense rests," Marrissa stated.
Crow10: So, Ro's defense was, if she'd known she'd screw up, she wouldn't
have?
>> "Then we will call it a day," Sisko responded.
Tom08: [as Sisko] Yeah, we'll pack it in for now.
>> "Tomorrow we
>> will hear your closing statements."
Crow08: Pleeeeease, try to keep them short.
Tom10: StarFleet Judicial Branch: Justice in one hour or your money back!
Crow04: What kind of research went into *this* "defense"? [as Ratliff]
Hey, you're pre-law right? Can you help me with this story?
[as pre-law student] <sharply inhales> Sure, just let me put my
bong down and I'll take a look....
Mike04: First of all, you're giving Ratliff too much credit by suggesting
that he even *thought* about research. And even *stoned* pre-law
students wouldn't come up with something like *this*.
Crow09: So in 24th century judicial proceedings, each side gets to call
one witness, and it has to be the shakiest one you've got.
Mike09: And whichever side's story sucks the least wins.
Tom09: Boy, they sure take that "right to a speedy trial" seriously.
Crow13: [as Worf] She endangered the lives of countless Starfleet
personnel and destroyed millions of dollars in Starfleet property.
Tom13: [as Marrissa] Um... she's really nice.
Mike13: [as Sisko] Right. I find Ro Laren not guilty.
>>
>> --
>> Stephen Ratliff CS Major, Radford University.
>> srat...@runet.edu Marrissa Stories Author
Mike08: And he's putting RO on trial!
Crow08: Or on "trail."
Mike08: Something like that.
>> homepage: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>> FAQ Maintainer for alt.startrek.creative FAQs/
>> Index Maintainer as well index/
>> http://aviary.share.net/~alara/
>>
>> "You know, it's attitudes like that which keep yoy people from getting
>> invited to all the really good parties
>> -Quark "Looking for Par'Mach in All the Wrong Places"
Crow09: You know the well is starting to run a li-i-itle dry when you
start quoting Ferengi.
[cut to commercials]