Tom "Father Mushroom" Currie(played in RATMM The Movie by John Agar, much
to Tom's horror)
Head of the Ford Prefect Fan Club and Ambassador for a Free Luna, Novy
Leningrad Chapter
"This is an EX-parrot!"- John Cleese in the Dead Parrot Sketch
^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theater)
MIKE: How'd a jerk like him become the chief navigator of an interstellar
universe cruiser?
TOM: Get over it.
>Saga six: The Spirit of the "Bright One" Arrives
>
>
>The evening was clear and cold. Every star seemed especially >bright
>tonight. The wind was drifting through the trees as if expecting >someone
>to arrive. Wolfs cried in the evening air
CROW(as crying wolf): Waa-wa-arrOOOOOOOO-waaah-OOO-OOO-OOOOOO...
TOM(singing): This is what it's like/ When wolves cry...
>
as Matoaca sat with her >father
>inside their cave. Tonight was the night Matoaca's father was >going to
>unveil the ceremonial banners announcing to the spirits of the >sky the
>coming of the great unfolding of the secrets of the stars.
MIKE: So he's putting a reeeally big sign in his front yard then?
>
"A >long time
>ago Matoaca, great spirits came to our land, and gave to us >something
>very special.
CROW(as Mataoaca's father): Herpes.
> We remember the great wind full of star dust,
TOM: Ah, the interstellar gift of cocaine.
>
and
>sparkling energies that lit the fires, and told us of a world >where all
>the people were reflections of all the stars. Tonight in the >Northern
>sky there is an unusual brilliance,
CROW: What's an unusual brilliance?
MIKE: Albert Einstein wearing a clown wig and a bridal gown.
>
Matoaca, and I want you to >look into
>the sky, and listen to the stars". Her father was serious about >what he
>told her tonight. Matoaca never heard her father speak of the >stars in
>this way. She felt unusual, as if she was going to meet someone.
TOM(as "someone" whispering): Here's the new shipment of "stardust". Next
time, meet me at the docks.
>She did
>what her father said, and left the cave, and looked into the >clear night
>sky. Matoaca's mind was filled with curiosity and wonder.
MIKE: But not much else.
>
She >felt
>especially warm, and also like she was falling into the endless >night
>itself.
>
>"Bright One" Appears
(The Bright One is as before, a large grey lady with spires extending from
her head, except now she is in front of a background of stars and nebulae
and assorted pretty universe things.)
MIKE: It's Mega Maid from Spaceballs!
>
>
>The sky turned brilliant, and for a moment Matoaca thought she >actually
>saw a face in the sky. Then it appeared. Matoaca was transfixed.
CROW: Why? Did she try and shift without the clutch and strip the gears?
>The
>"Bright One", filled the evening sky with her radiance, and the >voice
>was the sound of a thousand cardinals, a thousand robins, a >thousand
>bees.
TOM(as Bright One): Squawkchirpbuzzsquawkchirpbuzzsquawkchirpbuzz...
> Her head was filled with a sound that made Matoaca feel >as
if she
>was touching all the stars.
TOM: It was the sizzling of burnt radioactive flesh.
MIKE: It's not really a good idea to touch stars.
> She heard a
voice tell her:
CROW(as voice): Kill them all. They're all against you.
>
>
>Northern arrived
TOM: Who's Northern?
>Heaven above
MIKE: Land's sakes.
>New time
CROW: Dang, I need to reset my watch.
>
>
>In an instant Matoaca became the mind of the "Bright One". >Matoaca was
>transformed from a princess of her tribe, to a messenger of the >Central
>Civilization.
TOM(singing to Transformers theme): Algonquin! More than meets the eye!
Algonquin! MessengersoftheCentralCivilization in disguise!
> She knew who she was, and where she had to go.
MIKE(singing): Where do you go? My lovely...
>She
>understood her father, and the mission that was given to her.
>Now it was
>Matoaca's turn to communicate this to the hidden chambers >beneath an
>island in the ocean.
CROW: Unfortunately, the hidden chamber's secretary put him on hold for
half-hour and he went insane after thirty uninterrupted minutes of "Tie a
Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree."
> It felt as if she was flung
into the stars,
MIKE: Since her body immediately ruptured in the vacuum, her blood boiled
in the temperature, and her corpse was thrown into a radioactive ball of
white-hot atoms.
>and all
>of the Earth beneath her was moving by ever so quickly. Matoaca >could
>remeber all the other times she was on the Earth. Matoaca felt >like she
>had many names. She was Inanna, Isis, and Ishtar.
CROW: Iggy, Ima Pearl, Icky Poo...
MIKE: Innard, Intestine, Iliad...
TOM(Grandma from the Beverly Hillbillies): JEEEEEEEEED!
>
She felt as if >she was
>the Lady of Heaven.
TOM(singing): She's a lady, whoa whoa whoa...
> She remebered all her families,
and then she
>remembered her father sitting in a cave. She ran with the wind >and stood
>before her father looking at him in astonisment. "I know that >was a lot
>for you to experience, Matoaca." Her father comforted her >throughout the
>evening. The fire was dancing,
MIKE & CROW(singing): Burn, baby, burn!
TOM(singing): Disco Inferno!
MIKE & CROW: Burn, baby, burn!
> and the
cave became the most >wonderful
>place Matoaca had ever known. What she had just experienced >would take
>an evening full of dreams to fully understand, only to awaken in >the
>morning to the unfurling of the ceremonial star banner >announcing to the
>wind, and all the animals, and birds, that a magic flight was >about to
>take place.
MIKE(air traffic controller voice): SKKT-Alpha Tango one-niner, deny
permission to land, a ceremonial star banner has just unfurled in the tower
announcing a magic flight departing on runway 134.
> Matoaca's world was different somehow.
Everything >seemed to
>be transparent, and she could walk over trees, and fly though >clouds.
CROW: John Agar could act, and Horror of Party Beach became a touching
love story.
>Matoaca became the spirit once again, as in ancient times, of >the
>"Bright One".
>
>There in the morning sun was the blazing banner that her father >had hung
>from a tree.
MIKE: Also in the morning sun was her father trying frantically to put it
out with a small fire extinguisher.
> Matoaca had never seen such a banner. It was
>unlike
>anything her tribe had used in ceremonies. It was full of strange
>markings, and gave off the most unusual feeling.
CROW: She was hooked on the feeling.
>
It was as if >the banner
>itself was about to fly into the wind.
TOM: So, it's on fire and it's blowing away?
MIKE: Something tells me her father hasn't had much practice on unfurling
ceremonial star banners.
>
The closer Matoaca looked >at the
>banner she became aware that it was talking to her. The >markings gave
>her insights into the secrets of the stars, and the messsage she >must
>give to the keeper of the star charts in the caves in the >Northern ocean
>region.
CROW(as banner): Tell him I want my fifty bucks back.
> She finally could understand all that she had seen the
>night
>before.
MIKE: Unlike the readers. And possibly the author.
> Matoaca was now the sole keeper of the knowldege that
>had to be
>passed on to the ancient star out post in the secret island >called N
>ahant. New sounds came inside Matoaca's head, and she knew >then it was a
>song of the Earth.
CROW: Was it a song of distant Earth?(5-point reff)
> The Earth itself was a vast sound
that held >all the
>secrets of the stars. The very stones lying on the ground were >full of
>sounds, and knowledge of other worlds, and other people. This >was what
>she had to deliver to Nahant.
TOM: Can't he listen to one of his rocks?
> The stones
had to sing
MIKE: At the MTV Music Awards in a duet with Oasis and the Spice Girls.
>
so that one >time in
>the future there would be another receiver of the sounds that >could then
>deliver the message to these people in a far away distant >Central
>Civilization. The knowledge would not be lost.
CROW: Countless minds of readers, but no knowledge would be lost.
>
Matoaca was >about to take
>flight over the snow-capped mountains to find a place that was >only
>known by one other person. That person was the star chart >protector and
>keeper. The spirit of the "Bright One" was about to be put into >the
>stones.
TOM: So the Rolling Stones are doing gospel now?
> The singing stones would always be there, naturally,
>awaiting
>the right time for the message to once again be sent back to the >Central
>Civilization, announcing the coming of age of the star children >on
>Earth.
MIKE: It's a Sweet Sixteen party for humankind.
>
>Art work: Iva Vodrazkova - Torah Curtain
CROW: He's just going to try and drag down any religion he can, won't he?
TOM(singing): Bright One Bright One Bright One, I made you out of clay...
>Click on banner for 48K jpg image
>
>Saga seven: | The Singing Stones of Nahant |
MIKE: The Rolling Stones LIVE at a deserted northern island!
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------
>Return to:| Saga 1 | Saga 2 | Saga 3 | Saga 4 | Saga 5 | The Captain
>Speaks | Log Index | Portal Ether Ship | Home | Earth Portal >Controls |
>por...@netcom.com
>©1995-1996 Earth Portals
>
>
>
>Saga seven: The Singing Stones of Nahant
>
>
>When the morning arrived, Matoaca knew she was more than the >daughter of
>her father.
MIKE: She was the sister of her brother, the niece of her uncle, and the
bride of her cousin.
TOM: Enough about your sister.
MIKE: HEY!
> She felt so new, and she did not know quite what
to >do,
>except prepare for her journey. Her father walked Matoaca into >the
>woods, and told her to look toward the sky,
TOM(singing): You're not the only one... Starin' at the sun...
>
and become the >spirit of the
>birds. Before she even knew what to say to her father,
MIKE: "Buzz off, you weird old geezer" springs immediately to mind.
>
the wind >was
>pressing on her back, the snow was dancing in spiral patterns at >her
>side, and Matoaca found herself moving with the wind, and was
>transformed into the most unusual white bird.
TOM: It was (singing) Just like the white-winged dove...
>
It was the most >ast
>onishing experience Matoaca had ever had.
CROW: Except for that time she won a free Ast On Martin on a British game show.
MIKE: It was ast ounding.
>
Once in the sky >Matoaca
>summoned the message her father had given to her:
MIKE(AOL voice): You-have-mail!
TOM: Hey! You stole my favorite line!
>
>Northern arrived
CROW: We put him in your bedroom. We hope you don't mind.
>Heaven above
TOM: Clowns to the left of me. Jokers to the right.
>New time
MIKE: It's a Seiko, with an alarm function. You like it?
>
>
>Art work: Andreas Nottebohm-KN-M-1388-A
(The picture is of a fifty-foot long white flaming birdlike object.)
MIKE: Hootie, put the Phoenix into Firebird Mode!(10 point reff)
>
>The wind followed Matoaca, the snow continued to swirl in >unimaginable
>ways, and slowly Matoaca became pure vision of white radiance,
TOM: White radiance? We must've gone into an Aryan Nation site.
>and
>blended with all of nature as she became the embodied spirit of >the
>"Bright One". The cardinals and blue jays followed closely, and >became
>the crimson and cobalt blue wave Matoaca would ride on. Her >guidance was
>simple: find the island of singing stones
CROW: They have an island now?
MIKE: One of those Aleutian ones. Jagger got it for the grandkids.
>
in the Northern ocean >outpost
>where the star charts of the Central Civilization were hidden.
TOM: I always thought you were supposed to keep them in the glove compartment.
>As her
>journey continued, Matoaca knew the time would come when all >the purity
>and peace in the world would change. Her mission was far more >important
>than she ever realized.
CROW: But she just realized it!
MIKE: Shh. You two are going to have another meltdown if you don't try
and ignore this.
> A new sense of danger
was in the wind, >and she
>realized how her tribe, and all the tribes, had been hurt by the
> destroyers of the ancient temples.
TOM: For one thing, they were in the temples when they got destroyed.
>
The ancients all of a sudden >became
>known to her, and a remorse and a sadness was in her heart. >Then her
>spirit became crystal clear. Her heart became warm with >compassion, and
>her vision became her new force.
CROW(as Obi-Wan): Use the force, Lu- Wait a minute, you're not Luke!
Blast, I'm in the wrong head.
>
There was nothing Matoaca >could not see
>or hear. The whole Earth became a song she had never heard >before.
MIKE: Earth turned out to be an endless recording of Prodigy alternative
dance, which explained a lot.
> She
>knew the wind was moving her closer to Nahant where the >secret of the
>ancient star charts were kept by the last ancient star >navigator.
CROW: Strom Thurmond, Keeper of the Ancient Mysteries of the Universe.
>
>Matoaca felt her spirit beginning to sense a new lifeforce. She >was
>getting closer, and an awareness of another tribe she had never >met
>slowly began to talk to her. These were the Mind Tribes >beckoning to
>her, to give her the final direction to the secret island.
MIKE(strange, echoing, ethereal voice): Taaaakee a riiiiigghhht at the
Jiffy Luuuuuuuuuube...
>
Matoaca >was
>told that the Mind Tribes were once again returning to Earth.
TOM: And that they were bringing back some Chinese takeout.
>
So >many
>times before the Mind Tribes had come to Earth bringing the
>understanding of how to return to the Central Civilization, and >so many
>times all the monuments had been destroyed. Matoaca's mission >was to
>make sure that would not happen again.
MIKE: So she's trying to protect some monuments that have already been
destroyed?
TOM: Watch out, Mike. We can't hot glue your logic circuits back together.
CROW: Yeah, duct tape sticks better.
>
>
>
>The sounds of the Earth were now louder than ever,
TOM: Hey you! Turn down your planet! Other star systems are trying to
sleep here!
>
and Matoaca >could see
>the ocean, and there sitting in a vast blue space was a small >island,
>and it was here Matoaca would meet the Ancient Star navigator.
ALL: WE KNOW HE'S ANCIENT ALREADY! GET TO THE SMEGGING *POINT*!!!!!
>
>When Chief Nahant looked into the sky he could see the most >unusual
>white bird. Its wings were outstretched, and for a minute he >thought it
>was a white owl,
CROW: Except owls aren't usually 50 feet long, on fire, and receiving
commands from the voices in their heads.
> but he could sense a new
presence, and it was >a tribal
>spirit he was familiar with, but had never met. The eagle >spiraled down
>from the sky and landed on a rock next to the great blue ocean.
TOM: Unfortunately crushing Chief Nahant.
>Chief
>Nahant had called his family to look at this wondrous white >bird.
MIKE: He flipped off his own family?
> When
>all had gathered to see this bird, there appeared red and blue >rays of
>light coming off the rock where the bird had landed, and slowly, >there
>in the morning light, a brilliant white being began to come >closer to
>them. It was Matoaca who took on her earthly shape, as she >descended
>down the rays of light to meet Chief Nahant.
TOM(as Mataoaca): Oh, you must be the chaffeur.
>
>Long ago in the ancient teachings, that Chief Nahant was >familiar with,
>he had heard of a "Bright One" who came to Earth to give the >teachings
>of the Central Civilization.
CROW: The plan fell through when they caught all of North America smoking
acigarettes in the bathroom.
> Chief Nahant
knew this was her >coming to
>see him. Matoaca spoke in a language he never heard, but >understood
>completely.
MIKE: Unlike anyone unfortunate enough to be reading this website.
> Matoaca called out:
>
>Northern arrived
TOM: At Gate 19, departing for O'Hare Airport at 9:55.
>Heaven above
CROW: So remember to duck.
>New time
MIKE: He made it in less than six seconds this run.
>
>
>It was then that Chief Nahant knew this was the spirit of the >"Bright
>One" that he had heard about all through the ages. In words >which
>sounded like music, Matoaca spoke to Chief Nahant.
TOM: Unfortunately, Matoaca communicated only through bagpipes and
accordions, and pretty soon Nahant just stuffed cotton in his ears and
forced her to write it out.
>
>Saga Eight: | Chief Nahant meets Princess Matoaca |
>
>
>
MIKE: Yeah, that was somewhat more painful than the others.
CROW: Hey, the door's opening.
TOM: I intend to go through it.
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------
>Return to:| Saga 1 | Saga 2 | Saga 3 | Saga 4 | Saga 5 | Saga 6 | The
>Captain Speaks | Log Index | Portal Ether Ship | Home | Earth >Portal
>Controls |
>por...@netcom.com
>©1995-1996 Earth Portals
>
>
>
>
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Bridge)
MIKE: Let's check on the party.
(Rome. Manuel is holding something in his hands and staring at it with a
concerned expression. Calypgeas steps into the shot.)
CAL: Hello, orbital demigods! Enjoying this "website" thing?
(SoL. Tom is wrapped in a blanket and shivering and Crow is darting his
head from side to side while nervously chuckling to himself.)
TOM(still shivering): Icy hands of insanity... gripping my soul... thrown
into the black maw of net.lunacy... so cold...
CROW(nervous, hyped-up laughter): Heeheeheeheeheeheehee
they'reallouttheretryingtogetmecan'tletthemgetmeori'llgo NUTS!
MIKE: We've had better days.
(Rome)
CAL: Ah. Well, our dear other demigod Manuel has apparently figured out a
way to stop, with some "artificial intelligence" thing. Quite interesting.
MANUEL(walking to screen): Okay, think I got it. Had to tinker for quite
awhile before managed to work this into your programming matrices.
(SoL)
MIKE: Work what in?
(Rome. Manuel holds up a chrome-gray Tamagotchi.)
(SoL)
CROW: Oh, for the love of-
MIKE: You put the sophisticated life-support controls of our spacecraft
into a Japanese fad toy?
(Rome)
MANNY: Well, excuse me for living, Gospodin Nelson. It was lying around,
and I needed a control unit, so I picked it up and added a transmitter antenna.
(SoL)
TOM: Sheesh. That's one of the stupidest ideas I ever heard. You can't
control a spaceship with a-
(A buzzer sounds, and M & TB writhe in agony.)
ALL: AUUGH!
MIKE: Strange, horrible shrieking in my head! Like a Mariah Carey concert
from hell!
CROW: He must've pressed the disclipine function!
(Rome. Manuel looks surprised.)
MANNY: That is the discipline commmand? Sorry. I was trying to feed you.
(SoL. A burger appears on the countertop.)
TOM: Not-hungry- but compelled to-EAT!
(M & TB all dive for the burger simultaneously and then fight for it with
feral animal noises.)
MIKE: Grrrr...
TOM: Rowr!
CROW: Snarl!
(Rome. Manuel is staring at the Tamagotchi and scratching his head
thoughtfully.)
MANNY: Oh dear... instructions never said anything about wild feeding
frenzies.
(SoL. Tom is gnawing on a piece of hamburger. Mike is standing next to
him with a mutilated jumpsuit on.)
MIKE: Just one piece?
TOM: Grr*OWL*ll...
MIKE: Okay, geez.
(Crow enters, with his right arm torn off and sticking through his eyeball
housing.)
CROW: You fight honorably yet dirty, fireplug.
TOM: Thank you, pinbeaked wussbucket.
(net.loon Sign goes off)
ALL: AUUUUUUGGHHHH!!!!! WE GOT NET.LOON SIIIIIIIIIIIIGN!!!!!
Don't you hate it when they say TO BE CONTINUED
___________________________________________________
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>
It was the most >ast
>onishing experience Matoaca had ever had.