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MiSTed: Stabilizing the Earth's Weather By Destroying the Moon

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Roland Warner

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Jun 30, 1997, 3:00:00 AM6/30/97
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Not my best, but I kinda like it. Be prepared for "Stabilizing the
Earth's Weather, by Destroying the Moon"! With special guest star,
Alexander Abian!

Roland

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<In the not too distant future . . .>

<SOL>

[Two tents are on opposite sides of the table. A campfire is in the middle. Crow and Tom are sitting around the campfire, toasting marshmallows. Enter Mike.]

Mike: Hey gu . . . What're you two doing?

Crow: Oh, hey Mike! We're having our own camping trip. Pearl and her gang aren't the only people who can go camping.

Tom: Yeah, join in the fun, Mike!

Mike: Sorry, guys, I'm kinda busy right now.

Crow: With what?

Mike: Oh, I'm missing my clothes. Someone's stolen them, and I intend to find out who did it.

Tom: Clothes?

Mike: Yeah, I had set them out, ready to have Gypsy wash them, then they disappeared.

Crow: Servo, shhh.

Mike: What's the matter guys?

Tom: Oh, nothing. Good luck, Mike!

Mike: Something's wrong, isn't there?

[Commercial sign flashes]

Mike: We'll be right back.

[He reaches over to hit the button, but ends up catching his sleeve on fire.]

Mike: Ahhhhh!

Crow: Servo, grab that shirt there!

Tom: My arms won't work!

Crow: I can't do anything!

Mike: Gypsy!

[Sprinklers cut on and extinguish Mike and the campfire.]

[Mike hits the button]

Mike: Hey, this campfire looks familiar.

<Commercials>

Announcer: Now available, Subliminal Advertising [Drink Coke] Psychic Networks! [We know where you live] 1-900-Call-Now. Free advertising [Must See TV] for your business by placing [Pay your taxes] subliminal advertisements in our [Go clean your house] faux Psychic phoneline. [You are getting sleepy] 2.99 per minute, void in Zaire and Antarctica. [Call now]

<SOL>

[Mike is sobbing over the campfire, his sleeve is charred.]

Mike: My Planet Hollywood shirt! All my clothes, burned!

Tom: This is all your fault, Crow.

Crow: You were the one who said we should use the pile as firewood.

Tom: Yeah, but you were the one who started the fire.

[Red Light flashes]

Mike: *sniff* The Chimp, the Brain, and the Witch are calling. [Hits the button]

<Volkswagon of Doom>

Pearl: Well, Nelster, we searched the 'net this time to top all postings you've seen, and then, Brain Guy came across one with an reference to an old friend of yours, Alexander Abian!

<SOL>

All: NO!

<VOD>

Pearl: Yeah, I dunno what I'd do without this guy with me.

[Pearl pats Observer's brain.]

Observer: [Winces in pain] Ohhhh.

Bobo: What about me, Lawgiver?

Pearl: Shut up, Bobo! Anyways, Nelster, prepare for "Stabilizing our Weather by Destroying the Moon"

<SOl>

[Lights flash, chaos ensues]

All: AHHHHH! We've got MOVIE SIGN!!

Mike: My Air Jordans!

<6...5...4...3...2...1...*>

[Mike and bots enter theater]

> (word processor parameters LM=8, RM=75, TM=2, BM=2)
> Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501

Mike: BBS, now there's something you don't hear from very often.

> Sponsored by Vangard Sciences

Tom: And viewers like you.

> PO BOX 1031
> Mesquite, TX 75150
>
> May 4, 1991
>
> LUNACY1.ASC

Crow: Uh-oh, brace youselves, guys.

> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> From the April 23rd, 1991 SUN tabloid
> --------------------------------------------------------------------

Mike: The Sun, where truth has no meaning.

> Stabilizing our Weather by Destroying the Moon

Tom: And spreading green cheese everywhere?

>
> A University professor has a moonstruck solution to the Earth's
> weather problems.

Crow: He wants to rig the weather channel to predict the kind of weather he wants.

> He wants to blow up the moon - or at least send
> it somewhere else.

Tom: And, Mike, tell the moon what it's won!
Mike: It's won an all expense paid trip to the Andromeda galexy!

>
> "It's the only way to rid the world of scorching deserts and artic
> winters," says Professor Alexander Abian,

Crow: AND YOU BELIEVE HIM????

> a mathematician at the
> University of Iowa. He claims that by getting rid of the moon, the
> Earth will then be able to shift into a "more desirable orbit."

Tom: So, what, the moon's dead weight?

>
> The suggestion which has been greeted with hoots and hollers from
> the world's scientific community, has been presented by the 65-year
> old Armenian-born expert to the American government.

Mike: Unfortunately, the hoots and hollers turned out to be laughter coming from the Congressional floor.

>
> Abian suggests strategically placed hydrogen bombs on the Earth's
> satellite can either blow it apart, or send it careening into outer
> space, maybe even into the sun.

Crow: Hey, why not give the sun a moon!

> It all depends where you put the
> charges, he says.

Crow: Just be sure not to put the charges in a certain spot, if ya know what I mean.
Mike: That's hitting a little below the belt, Crow.

>
> "We've been held hostage by the moon for 5 million years, and we've
> been subjected to violent extremes in weather, not to mention that
> the planet is slowly becoming a desert.

Tom: It's still waiting for a call from the government for ransom.

>
> "It's time for a change." The change would make our weather less
> extreme, turn our deserts into fertile farm land, and make the north
> and south polar regions livable.

Mike: Let's move all the polar bears out of their home, flood the oceans, kill the desert creatures, and move to Antarctica.

>
> But other scientists disagree, suggesting the professor might be
> moonstruck.

All: Wah, wah, wah, waaaaah.

> "If you lose the moon, you LOSE THE TIDES. And if you
> melt the polar caps, you're going to flood the seacosts of every
> continent," one scientist explains.
>
> Another climate expert says blowing up the moon would turn Earth
> into "a bleak, seasonless planet, not to mention the fact that we
> would lose the tides."

Tom: Um, we're repeating ourselves!

>
> British astronomer Patrick Moore suggests Professor Abian "must be
> as nutty as several fruitcakes."

Crow: He must've stored them up for several Christmases.

>
> Famed romance writer Barbara Cartland offers the best argument
> against Abian's plan. Without moonlight, she says, love would flee
> the Earth. "People long for romance and no professor should be
> allowed to rob them of it," she says.

Mike: So, without the moon, no one could love?

>
> Page 1
>
>
>
>
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Vangard notes...

Tom: That without the moon, the werewolf wouldn't know when to come out!

>
> Just for speculation......

Crow: . . . Am I wearing pants?

>
> What a bizarre theory!

Mike: How bizarre.

> Since the moon causes the tides and
> plays a definite part in helping to keep the Earth in its
> elliptical orbit around our Sun, the removal of the moon, by
> whatever means, would lead to a radical stabilization of our
> orbit, into the most stable natural form, that of the circle.

Tom: WOULD SOMEONE PLEASE SUBSTANTIATE THIS STATEMENT????

>
> Now without the change in distance from the current elliptical
> orbit of Earth around the Sun, we would NOT experience the
> heating and cooling cycles which result in summer, fall, winter
> and spring.

Crow: How does the moon play into this?

>
> In addition, the lack of tides would greatly change the
> characteristics of large bodies of water such as our oceans.

Mike: Change in characteristics = No more tides.

>
> The most scary thing about such a proposal is that we do not
> know just how far the Earth would naturally locate itself from
> the Sun.

Tom: How would blow up the moon cause the earth to change locations?

> This would determine what the climate would be like
> everyday from the point of stabilization on.
>
> Too close and we would experience perpetual summer, too far and
> we could experience another ice age. How would we CONTROL it
> to arrive at the most desirable location.

Crow: Isn't it just fine where it is?

>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> If you have comments or other information relating to such topics
> as this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or

Mike: Please tell someone who cares.

> send to the
> Vangard Sciences address as listed on the first page.
> Thank you for your consideration, interest and support.
>
> Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
> Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
>
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> If we can be of service, you may contact
> Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 242-9346
> --------------------------------------------------------------------

<Mike and bots exit theater>

<*...1...2...3...4...5...6>

<SOL>

[Crow and Tom are standing around the campfire again, Mike's clothes blazing away.]

Crow: Hey Tom, I betcha I can fling my Marshmallow further than yours.

Tom: You're on!

[Crow steps back, off screen, and a marshmallow flies across the screen.]

Mike: [Off-Stage] Ow!

[Enter Mike]

Mike: Oh god, no, you two are still burning my clothes?

Tom: Yeah Mike, did you know that your underwear makes the perfect kindling?

Mike: NOT MY UNDERWEAR!!!

Tom: Yep, all 20 pairs of them.

[Red Light flashes]

Mike: *sigh* yes, Mrs. Forrester?

[Moon]

Pearl: Well, Mike, here we are, on the moon. Brain Guy had to refill on these pills he keeps eating.

[Enter Ugly T-shaped Alien]

Alien: Gurlge!

Pearl: Ick! Get away from me!

Bobo: Oh no! It's an alien! Ahhhh!

[Pearl hides behind Bobo]

Bobo: Um, I'll defend you, Lawgiver! Watch out, Alien, I am Bobo, son of Koko!

[Alien eats Bobo]

Bobo: [From inside Alien] Hmm, now, let's see here, "I am Bobo, son of Koko, Eaten by Jojo!" There we go, now I gotta new line.

Pearl: Brain Guy, get over here!

Observer: In a minute!

Pearl: Listen here, Alien . . .

Bobo: Lawgiver, the alien's name is Jojo.

Pearl: Jojo, whatever, if you don't release Bobo right now, I'll . . . um . . . do something terrible.

[Alien spits out Bobo]

Bobo: Thanks, Lawgiver!

Pearl: Now, let's all get back to the Van, nice and quickly!

[Pearl rushes off-stage with Bobo and Jojo, just as the moon blows up.]

-----

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved.

-----

> British astronomer Patrick Moore suggests Professor Abian "must be
> as nutty as several fruitcakes."

--------------3BD22EEC4C75--


Ryan Thomas Jackson

unread,
Jul 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/4/97
to

In article <33B7E4...@geocities.com>, tom_...@geocities.com says...

>>
>>
>> Famed romance writer Barbara Cartland offers the best argument
>> against Abian's plan. Without moonlight, she says, love would flee
>> the Earth. "People long for romance and no professor should be
>> allowed to rob them of it," she says.
>
>Mike: So, without the moon, no one could love?

Let's get cracking, then! Romance, and all of its consequences are
responsible for close to 90% of the worlds problems...I can just imagine
it...a romantic honeymoon on the French coast; a couple goes out on the
porch for a glass of wine under the night sky. THey sit next to each other,
and they look for that perpetual beacon of romantic and poetic inspiration,
Luna...but, there's nothing there! Just a COLD, BLACK VOID! The mood is
ruined! Next stop: Pedro's Divorce Palace outside of Guadalajara! By god,
I MUST form a lobby for this!

--
"Oh, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind
you that the good guys always win, even in the
eighties...."--Megaforce
***Ryan Thomas Jackson (rjac...@southwind.net)***


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