MSTed: Stephen Ratliff's "All The King's Horses" (4/5)

[Mighty Jack]

[SOL]

[A blackboard has been mounted in front of the hexfield viewscreen, and the
words: "Project Due: What I Did On My Summer Vacation" are written on it
in chalk. A teacher's desk sits in front of the blackboard, and Gypsy is
standing in front of the desk wearing a costume that makes her look like
a school teacher. A portable movie screen has been erected in front of
the main doors, and Crow stands in front of the screen wearing a blonde
wig and holding a sheaf of papers. A slide show projector is sitting on
the control panel and pointing at the movie screen. Mike and Tom Servo
are seated at student desks in front of the control panel. Their heads
are lying on their desks, and they are snoring softly.]

CROW [as Marrissa]: ... and that is how I spent my summer vacation.
The End.

GYPSY: Good job, Marrissa! That was a *wonderful* essay! And the
slide show you brought along really made the story come alive!
Excellent work! Now class, I want you all to... class? Class?!
[pause] WAKE UP!!! [Mike and Tom are startled awake by the
noise.] Now since you all have been paying such *close attention*
to Marrissa's lovely essay, I'm *sure* you all have questions you'd
like to ask about her vacation. Tom, why don't we start with you?

TOM SERVO: Uh, that's okay, Miss Gypsy. I'll let someone else go first.

GYPSY: No really, Tom, I *insist*.

TOM SERVO: Well, I guess there was *one* thing I was wondering about...
Marrissa, how come your new dad never took you to see anything
*good* in France? I mean, he had a shuttlecraft available and
all, and you keep telling us how he's really into culture and
history and stuff. So how come he didn't show you the Arc
D'Triomphe, the Eiffel Tower or the Louvre or anything like
that?

CROW [as Marrissa]: Well, actually the shuttlecraft was a rental and Dad
had to return it right away. Enterprise Rent-A-Shuttle
is very strict about that kind of thing. And not many
people know about this, but the Labarre T-shirt shop
is actually a site of *great* cultural significance.
Philippe has a *huge* collection of historical T-shirts
that he keeps on display in glass cases. He's got
T-shirts that were worn by Charles DeGaulle, Napoleon,
Cardinal Richelieu... it was quite an experience,
and I'm sorry I left that part out of my essay.

GYPSY: Does anyone else have questions for Marrissa? [Mike raises his hand]
Yes, Mike?

MIKE: Marrissa, how come your new family keeps antique books lying around
on a shelf for any doofus to damage or steal?

CROW [as Marrissa]: My family obviously believes that the knowledge and
wisdom that those 400 year old children's books
contain should be shared openly with anyone who wants
to learn from them.

MIKE: So why didn't he have computerized versions for you to read so the
originals wouldn't get damaged?

CROW [as Marrissa]: Uh, Miss Gypsy? Isn't it someone else's turn to ask
a question?

GYPSY: Right you are, Marrissa. [Tom starts jerking his body to the left
so that his right arm flies upwards and then flops back down again.]
Tom, I believe you were trying to raise your hand?

TOM SERVO: What was the Pope doing wandering around a rural French village
without any entourage, bodyguards, or news coverage?

CROW [as Marrissa]: Actually there's a simple explanation for that. You
see, the Pope didn't get the publicity he deserved
because all the reporters flew over to America to cover
another sex scandal in the White House. Poor guy. So
there weren't any crowds following him around, so he
didn't need his handlers and bodyguards.

GYPSY: Any other questions? [Mike raises his hand] Mike?

MIKE: Isn't it illegal for jockeys to be under 18?

CROW [as Marrissa]: That cruel prejudice was ended in France when they
passed the Ratliff Bill into law. Now, who else has
a question? [Mike and Tom raise their hands and say
"Marrissa?" over and over again.] Yes, you in the
back with the press credentials?

[Mike quickly reaches under his seat and brings out a little fedora hat
with a card in the band that says "PRESS". He puts the hat on Tom Servo
as he stands up.]

TOM SERVO: Tom Servo, from Satellite News. Marrissa, I think all of our
readers will be curious to know how exactly you managed to
throw an older, heavier and stronger person like Richard Boucher
into a swimming hole without any help from inertia or momentum.
Can you tell us exactly how you accomplished this?

CROW [as Marrissa]: Well, didn't I mention that I took extensive jujitsu
lessons in gym class? [Mike and Tom shake their
heads.] How about the anabolic steroids I had for
breakfast that morning? [Mike and Tom shake their
heads again.] Uh, next question please.

[Mike takes another "PRESS" hat out from under his seat, puts it on his
head and stands up.]

MIKE: Mike Nelson, from Binding Polymer. Speaking of Richard Boucher,
what in the heck was your family's horse trainer smoking when he
gave Richard a job as a jockey? I know Mr. White said that he
was short on jockeys, but how do you explain him giving that job
to a six foot tall bodybuilder?

CROW [as Marrissa]: You should see the size of his horse. Anyone else?

[Mike takes both the press hats off as Tom stands up and begins to pace in
front of the desks like a prosecutor in a courtroom.]

TOM SERVO: Ms. Picard... I'm confused about just one little detail.
So could you please tell me... just how stupid do you think
we are?!

MIKE [standing up]: Objection, Miss Gypsy! Calls for speculation!

GYPSY: Sustained. [Mike sits down.]

TOM SERVO: You've told us a story here today with more holes in it than a
case of Life Savers, a story that no one in his or her right
mind could *possibly* believe! I put it to you, Marrissa Amber
Flores Picard... if that *is* your real name... that you have
attempted to *deceive* us by fabricating a fantastic and
grandiose story of vacation adventures in order to get an A
on this project, when all along you *really* spent your entire
vacation on a starship playing the holodeck version of Starfleet
Academy with your little friends. *Isn't that true*?!

CROW [as Marrissa, hysterically]: All right! I admit it! It's all a lie!
My new dad had some slides lying around
from his visits back home, and I made up
a story to fit the pictures! None of it
was true! Is that what you wanted to
hear?! [Crow breaks down and cries.]

TOM SERVO [smugly]: No further questions. [Tom sits back down.]

MIKE [standing up]: Miss Gypsy, we move that all charges against Marrissa
be dismissed because she was only following the
dictates of her conscience and this school has a
long-standing tradition of cheating to get ahead.

GYPSY: Agreed. Marrissa gets an A on her project, and she is free to go.
[Crow celebrates the victory while Tom shakes his head in disgust.
Just then, lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts as
Ratliff sign is signalled.] Counsel will now adjourn to the theater
for Ratliff sign! [Gypsy bangs her head on her desk like a gavel
as the movie screen gets moved away from the doors.]

[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]

[Inside the theater]

TOM SERVO: Trying to prosecute Marrissa... what was I *thinking*?
MIKE: There'll be other cases, Tom.

[Everyone sits down]

>Note: See how many referances to ASC Group members you can find in this
>chapter. (there are at least 3)

CROW: And when you're done with that, see if you can find anyone who
gives a damn.

>
>Chapter Six
>Interlude and the Kentucky Derby

TOM SERVO: ... in D minor.

>
> After spending almost a two weeks

CROW: What, is Ratliff picking up an Italian accent all of a sudden?
MIKE [as Lawrence Welk]: And a one, and a two...

> at the Picard Family Vineyard,
>Marrissa and Jean-Luc Picard left to return to the Enterprise, by way of
>a cadet cruise on the Maine.

TOM SERVO: Oh yeah... I remember the Maine!
MIKE & CROW: [groans]

> Marrissa remembered her time in France
>with fondness. She wrote to her cousin Rene and his girlfriend Isabelle
>weekly.

MIKE: Ratliff, on the other hand, wrote about it weakly.

> Meanwhile, Marrissa entered Star Fleet with the field
>rank of Ensign. She had many adventures before being promoted to
>Lieutenant junior grade.

TOM SERVO: ... later that afternoon.

> She was quite amused when she discovered that
>her new rank was not a temporary rank, like her Ensign's rank had been.

CROW: And *boy* was her rank not temporary. Why didn't they put showers
on Galaxy-class starships?
MIKE: Yeah, those premature promotions, what a laugh riot.

>
> Warp Speed and Lady Stargazer began their racing career as
>two-year-olds.

TOM SERVO: I'm surprised they waited *that* long, knowing who wrote this
story.

> In their first race, the Star Fleet Invitational (only
>stables owned by Star Fleet members or former members invited)

CROW: And we *all* know how popular horse racing was with those Starfleet
people, right?

> finishing
>one two.

MIKE: As opposed to first and second?

> Rene rode Warp Speed, and Isabelle rode Lady Stargazer. They
>alternated winning in their next seven starts.

CROW: They began throwing the matches for each other. At this point,
they knew that they were deep in love.

> Finally it was time for
>the Kentucky Derby.

MIKE: What state do they hold that race in, anyway?

> Since the Enterprise was out cruising

CROW: ... for chicks.

> near the
>Romulan border, Jean-Luc and Marrissa were unable to see it in person.

TOM SERVO: So they had to catch it on Pay-per-view.

>
> Commander William T. Riker entered Holodeck Two.

MIKE [as computer]: Holodeck simulation titled "Boogie Nights" has been
programmed. You may enter when ready.

> It was
>programmed to mimic a

CROW: ... sleazy 70's singles bar.

> box in the Skye Terrace at Churchill Downs.

TOM SERVO: Not Louisville, Kentucky, but an incredible simulation!

>Captain Picard was seated by his daughter, who had her best friend Clara
>was next to her.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: If you're good, Clara, and don't fidget and stay quiet
the whole way through, I might consider taking the lock
off your quarters during off-duty hours.

> Counselor Troi and Doctor Crusher were standing by the
>rail

CROW: ... gulping down one mint julep after another.

> in the front with binoculars, looking at the jockeys

TOM SERVO: ... butts.

> aboard there
>horses. Worf was over to one side, reading the Daily Racing Form.

MIKE [as Worf]: Losing Alexander's college fund on a bad pick would be
*without* honor!

> Data
>was talking to Geordi in the back of the box.
> Captain Picard looked back to see who had entered.

CROW: Just the crewmembers who have agents, good.

> "Glad to you
>could come, Number One," he said.

TOM SERVO [as Riker]: Nice to hear total gibberish from you too, sir.

> "I had to make sure Beta Shift had reported in," Riker
>explained.

MIKE: Was he afraid they'd forget they had to run the ship?

> "I assume you are rooting for Warp Speed."
> "He is, I like Lady Stargazer," Marrissa interrupted.

CROW [as Riker, muttering]: I believe I was talking to the *captain*, Miss
Buttinski....

> "They both come from the same stables," Picard said. "Why she
>favors Lady over their cousin's ride I don't know."
> "I've ridden Lady Stargazer," Marrissa said. "She's faster and
>Isabelle is a better Jockey."

TOM SERVO: Plus Isabelle told Rene that if he really loved her, he'd lose
to her when it counted.

> "Is that your opinion?" Picard asked.
> "No even Rene will tell you that Isabelle is better," Marrissa
>said.

CROW: Mr. Unbiased Opinion himself.
MIKE: So it *is* her opinion, she just shares it with Rene.

> "And you've seen Lady beat Warp."
> "Worf, who do you favor?" Riker asked.
> "Code of Honor from Kah'less Stables," Worf stated.

CROW: Gosh, what an unpredictable choice. With such an unpredictable name.
TOM SERVO: You know, I wonder how ol' blood-n-guts Kah'less would react if
he knew his name was being used on a stable.

> "He won the
>Santa Anita Derby."
> Suddenly trumpets began to play "My Old Kentucky Home." When
>the tune ended, the horses began to stream onto the track.

ALL: EEEWWWWW!!!

> "Mister
>Data, analyst of the horses as they come out please."

MIKE: So who's talking here?
CROW: And when did Data turn into a horse psychiatrist?

> "In the post position, is From the Stars from Calumet Farm,"
>Data began. "No wins in five starts. Jockey Ryan James is a five year
>veteran."

TOM SERVO [as Data]: The coach has been threatening to bench him if he
doesn't start putting more points on the board.

> "In the second gate is Quarterdeck Breed from Kirk Stables. He
>has one win in six starts. Jockey Sirvok won last year's Belmont Stakes
>aboard Vulcan's Glory."

MIKE: *sigh* Looks like we've been blindsided by an introduction
sequence, guys.
CROW: Ratliff thought he'd try an equestrian version this time around.

> "Cheating Insignia out of a Triple Crown," Picard interrupted.
> "I was unaware of any cheating on behalf of Ambassador Spock's
>horse," Data said.

TOM SERVO [as Data]: I thought the horse was faithfully married, sir.

> "Never mind, Data."

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Remind me to smack you around later.

> "Aye sir. In gate three is Warp Speed from Stargazer Stables.
>He has won four of his last eight. Rene Picard is a first year jockey."

MIKE: But a third level half-dwarf Magic User.

> "Romulan Dawn is in gate four. He has two wins in seven starts.
>Neale Davidson, from Silicon Stables,

TOM SERVO: ... where all the horses are made out of computer chips.

> is a ten year veteran."
> "Viper from Greenhill Farm is in gate five.

MIKE: Next to him, we have Snoopy from the Daisy Hill Puppy Farm.

> He has three wins
>in eight starts. Timothy Epperly is a rookie jockey."
> "Lady Stargazer from Stargazer Stables is in the sixth gate.
>She has four wins in eight starts and is the only filly in the field.

CROW: So all the other horses are probably going to hit on her a lot.

>Her jockey, Isabelle Boucher, is also a rookie."
> "In the seventh gate is Code of Honor owned by the Klingon
>Ambassador. Code of Honor has two wins in four starts.

TOM SERVO [as Data]: But in three of those races there weren't any
opponents.

> His jockey,
>Korrath, is a fifteen year veteran."
> "Gate eight holds Prime Directive from Kansas State Farm.

MIKE [as Data]: It's forbidden for him to interfere with the natural
development of the race.

> He
>has four wins in four starts. Jockey Joe Young is a five year veteran."

CROW: Mike? Remember how we said Ratliff needed to think out the
details of his stories more, so each character's personal story
remains well-defined?
MIKE: Yeah?
CROW: Can we change our minds?

> "Harriman's Redemption, ridden by Tod Wels, is in gate nine. He
>has a win in five starts."

TOM SERVO: Looks like Ratliff's paying for college by renting out ad space
to his fellow a.s.c. fanfic writers.

> "Kirk's Bane from Styles Stables is in the tenth gate.

CROW [as Data]: He used to be named Cheesy Toupee.

> Mark
>Green has ridden him to three wins in five starts."
> "Vengeful Return has scratched."

MIKE: Maybe he can sink the six ball to make up for it.

> "Mister Data, any interesting facts on the field?" Picard asked.

CROW: Better question: Is there anything interesting *anywhere* in this
story?!
TOM SERVO: Come on, Ratliff! Blow up a galaxy or something!

> "This is the youngest field of jockeys to be assembled in a
>hundred years. A filly has never won the triple crown, but has won the
>Derby twenty times," Data informed as the last horse entered the gate.

MIKE: Ever notice how Ratliff cheapens and demeans everything he touches?
He takes a marvelously complex, sentient android and reduces him to
spouting sports trivia. He probably uses his cell phone to crack
nuts.

> "Mister Data, will you call the race for us?" Picard asked.

CROW [as Data]: Soooooooouie! Sou, sou, sooooouie! Race race race!
Come here, race!

> "Aye sir," Data said. The bell rang, and Data began calling.

TOM SERVO: Get out! *The calls are coming from inside the android*!

>"And they are off. Warp Speed leads out of the gate with Quarterdeck
>close behind.

MIKE: Audience goes out to get a sandwich.

> At the quarter pole, Warp Speed leads with Romulan Dawn
>close behind.

CROW: Lettuce takes the lead by a head!

> Viper has failed to exit the gate. Lady Stargazer is
>coming on strong.

TOM SERVO [as Lady]: Hey handsome, buy a filly a drink?
MIKE: And Dolly Parton is way out in front!

> Into the turn Warp Speed leads with a battle for
>second shaping up between Quarterdeck, Romulan, and Lady.

CROW: But look! Here comes Tomato to catch-up!
TOM SERVO: Don King leads by a hair!

> On the as
>they come down the backstretch, Lady Stargazer pulls ahead of Romulan
>and Quarterdeck, who continue to fight it out for third.

MIKE: Look out, folks, we're on the edge of drama here.
CROW: And it's Outside on the inside, followed by Inside on the outside!

> Code of Honor
>holds fifth with Directive, Harriman, and Kirk's fighting for sixth.

TOM SERVO: And my VW Bug's stuck in first!

>Lady Stargazer pulls along side Warp Speed as they enter the final turn.
>Neck and neck they go around the turn.

CROW: What's this? Now they're necking!
MIKE: And Barbra Streisand leads by a nose!

> A length back, Romulan Dawn has
>a head

TOM SERVO: I should hope so... he'd have a hard time racing if he didn't!

> on Quarterdeck Breed. Down the stretch they come.

MIKE: Where they stops, nobody knows.

> Lady and Warp
>are battling in out for the lead, as they approach the wire.

CROW: The razor-sharp wire slices their heads clean off as it catches
them at the neck! Oh, the carnage!

> It's Lady
>Stargazer by a nose. The judges have signaled a photo finish.

TOM SERVO: But the lens cap was still on... DOHHH!!!

> Warp
>Speed finishes second followed by Romulan Dawn a half a length back.

CROW: And coming in last, it's...
ALL [singsong]: Beatlebaum!
MIKE: Good run, guys! Now don't let me catch you using that joke
again this century, understand?
TOM SERVO: So, in about two years then?
MIKE: You know what I mean.

>The rest of the finish order is: Quarterdeck Breed, back a length; Code
>of Honor, two lengths; Kirk's Bane, two and a half; Harriman's
>Redemption, two and three quarters; Prime Directive, two and five
>eighths;

MIKE [as news announcer]: IBM is up three and a quarter, General Motors
down one and an eighth....

> From the Stars, at five lengths; Viper, failed to start."

CROW: Somebody better get the jumper cables.

> "Excellent call, Mister Data," Captain Picard said.

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: But next time, please use 1-800-COLLECT.

> "It looks like Marrissa knows what she's talking about," Riker
>commented.

MIKE: Once again, Marrissa knows everything.

> "I just took Rene's word," Marrissa said. "The Question is, who
>will win the Preakness. Warp Speed and Lady Stargazer have been
>alternating until now. If Lady can hold a streak, we could have that
>filly crowned."

CROW: If not, it's cheap burgers for all!

>
>Chapter Seven
>Preakness and Life

TOM SERVO: ... the Universe and Everything.

>
> The Preakness was over.

MIKE: You know, with narrative timing like that, I'm beginning to question
Ratliff's choice of chapter titles.
CROW: But you've gotta admit, of all the races in this story, that
one was the best.

> Once again, Lady Stargazer and Warp
>Speed had finished one two.

TOM SERVO: Yet they had still failed to buckle my shoe.

> Isabelle fingered the ring Rene had given
>her after the Derby, as she watched the two horses being loaded in the
>transport.

MIKE [as horse]: No, Wilbur... I don't *wanna* go to the glue factory...

> Rene slipped behind her, and she melted into his embrace.

CROW [as Wicked Witch of the West]: Aaaaahhhh! I'm *melting*! Oh, what a
world, what a world...

>"I see my lady is basking in the glow of her victory," he whispered in
>Isabelle's ear.

MIKE: I don't know about you guys, but my skin just started feeling crawly.
CROW & TOM: It's mutual!

> "I'd rather be with you than those reporters," Isabelle replied.

CROW [as Isabelle]: But they were pretty good in the sack too.

>"Have you told your father of your finish yet?"
> "No, I'm waiting until I get home," Rene replied.

TOM SERVO: 'Cause there's no way his dad would be watching his son during
the most important day of his life.

> "Have you had
>dinner yet?"
> "Of coarse not," Isabelle responded. "Do you know of a good
>spot?"

MIKE [as Rene]: Yeah. They serve sandpaper.

> "It so happens that I have reservations for two at the County
>Fare Inn," Rene said.

CROW [as Rene]: And if that's no good, we can hit the Waffle House.

> "Planning ahead again?" Isabelle asked.
> "Since the day after the Derby," Rene replied. "Would you care
>to join me for dinner, Belle?"

TOM SERVO [as Rene]: Be my guest, as it were?

> "Certainly," Isabelle replied.
>
> From the balcony in the church, Isabelle remember that last
>night with Rene.

MIKE: Whoa! Anyone else get whiplash from that sudden change of scene?
TOM SERVO: Boy, anything can happen in a jump cut, and it does!

> How he had joked with her about her horse.

CROW [as Isabelle]: "And the horse you rode in on." That was a good one.

> The feel
>of his hand on hers, the look of love from across the table,

TOM SERVO: The bill that he stuck her with...

> the
>memories brought tears to her eyes as she looked at her fiancee's coffin
>beside his father's.

CROW: Any decent writer knows how to switch scenes smoothly. Ratliff
does it with all the subtlety of an industrial accident.
MIKE: Guys... let's pay our respects, okay?
[They all sit quietly for a moment with their heads bowed.]

> "Isabelle?" a woman's voice said. Isabelle turned to discover
>Rene's mother Marie, dressed all in black.

CROW [singing]: With silver buttons, buttons, buttons all down her back,
back, back...

> "What are you doing up here?"

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: Oh, just admiring the architecture. What the
hell do you *think* I'm here for?!

> "I had to come..." Isabelle started, then trailed off.
> "I know, you and Rene were really close," Marie said, then
>noticed the ring that Isabelle had been fingering.

MIKE [as Marie]: Hey, your mood ring says you're pouty.

> "I had no idea how
>close. When did Rene propose?"

CROW: When the pregnancy test came back positive?
MIKE: When her dad pointed the shotgun at him?

> "After the Kentucky Derby," Isabelle said, her mind going back
>to that moment.

ALL: [weave back and forth and make that funky flashback music]
TOM SERVO: At least he warned us this time!

>
> Derby officials had assigned rooms to all the jockeys in the
>derby a couple of nights before. Rene and Isabelle had been paired up
>in the same room. Apparently in Kentucky Rene was a girls name

MIKE: ... as opposed to Indiana and Tennessee where, by law, it could be
given only to boys.

> and they
>had assumed that both jockeys from Stargazer Stables were girls.

CROW: And seeing Rene in person did nothing to convince them otherwise.
TOM SERVO [as John Cleese]: Well, you see, the thing is, I thought your
son was a lady.
MIKE [as Michael Palin]: I can understand *that*.

> Rene
>and Isabelle were not complaining

CROW: Oh *boy*, were they not complaining!
TOM SERVO [as Rene]: "Dear Penthouse, I never believed your letters before,
but tonight..."

> . . . except for the fact that the
>room had two twin beds.

MIKE: That's okay. Just use the extra bed as a desk or something.

> The room had a nice view of the Ohio River from its balcony.

CROW: Just look at that fine stream of pollution!

> It
>was to this balcony that Rene called her to after she had finished
>showering following the Derby.

TOM SERVO [singing]: So come with me out to the balcony, and we'll fall
like paper planes....
MIKE: I think I know a little robot who *really* liked my Moxy Fruvous CD,
and I *wish he'd return it sometime soon*!
TOM SERVO: *sigh*

> She was wearing a simple pink night gown
>when he called her. Rene was in his

CROW: ... Smurf costume.

> tuxedo. Isabelle had felt
>underdressed,

MIKE: Well if I was prancing around on a balcony in my skivvies, I'd
feel underdressed too!

> but Rene had assured her that she looked beautiful.

CROW: Because that's what the book of pickup lines told him to say.

> A
>bottle of wine was by the table, some of the '33 from it's label.

TOM SERVO: Doesn't matter if it's actually any good, it's got an expensive
label on it.

> A
>light snack was arrayed on the table.

MIKE: Luckily Rene knew enough about computers to declare the array
ahead of time.

> She'd asked him why the setup, expecting it to be a
>congratulatory dinner for her Derby victory.

TOM SERVO: So why'd she ask?

> Instead he pulled out a
>small box and handed it to her.

CROW [as Isabelle]: Cracker Jacks? For *me*? Oh Rene, you *shouldn't*
have!

> She opened it

MIKE: ... and the bomb exploded, shredding her face with a thousand tiny
steel splinters. Marrissa had struck again!

> to discover a diamond
>ring. He asked her to marry him, and she accepted.

CROW [as Isabelle]: Does this mean I have to give up my job as a White
House intern now?
TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: Nobody's ever given me a prettier box!

>
> "And he never told me," Marie said,

MIKE: Let me guess... it was just one of those things he kept meaning to
tell you but kept forgetting, right?

> bringing Isabelle back to
>the present. "Isabelle, Star Fleet is going to take care of Rene's
>funeral since he had been accepted as a Cadet.

CROW: Real generous of Starfleet, seeing as how Rene probably hadn't even
been fitted for a uniform yet.
TOM SERVO [as Marie]: They'll ship him out on the next cargo transport and
blast his corpse out the nearest airlock.

> Traditionally they
>present their banner to the widow or nearest living relative. I
>think you should receive it."

MIKE [as Marie]: I don't want it cluttering up my house for the rest of
my life.

> Isabelle's eyes filled with tears for the uncountedth time that
>day,

CROW: When you don't know the word, just make one up!

> though not with sorrow this time, as she nodded her acceptance of
>the honor. She followed Marie down from the choir loft. She had to
>ready her few words about Rene.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: Well, uh, this guy's dead, and we're kinda down about
that, so, like, thanks. Bye.

> She was determined that he be
>remembered. If not for her, but for others.

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: Now, let's see... what was his name again?

> Saint Andrew's was quiet, despite all the people who had
>gathered to remember Robert and Rene Picard.

CROW: They died in a house fire, right? Any chance that the former town
bully was seen running away from the house with a gas can in his
hand?
MIKE: 'Fraid not, Crow. That would require connecting something that
wasn't about horse racing to something else in this fanfic.

> No members of the press
>where present, at the request of the family.

TOM SERVO: And at the request of the press.

> Marrissa had never seen so
>many black outfits.

MIKE: Except in that ninja movie she saw once.
CROW: Oh look, all of Rene's Goth friends showed up!

> She and her father had both chosen to wear their
>Star Fleet dress uniforms. Marrissa considered it appropriate, Rene had
>been accepted to the Academy, which had been his dream, after all.

TOM SERVO: Seeing as how Starfleet membership was the only way to count
for much in Ratliff's world.

>Doctor Crusher had just entered with Isabelle Boucher. The Doctor was
>wearing more traditional mourning attire, as was Isabelle.

MIKE: The traditional mourning brightly sequined evening gown.

> Jean-Luc Picard took the podium to eulogize his late brother.
>His tears were banished for the moment by

CROW: ... plugging his tear ducts shut with Super Glue.

> his sense of duty, and his
>sorrow hidden by his Captain's poker face.

TOM SERVO: Two pair, and a quick pout.

> "My brother Robert Maurice
>Picard, was well known around here as a noted proprietor of the Picard
>Family Vineyard.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: And I want to thank all the winos who've joined us
here tonight to honor his memory.

> His classmates in school knew him as somewhat of a
>bully, but generally a good person.

CROW: Yeah, take away the physical and emotional torture and he was swell.

> To me, he was my big brother, my
>tormenter, my confidant, my trouble, my help, my enemy, my friend.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: He's the source of my chronic indecision and the
reason why making any choice requires consultation
with at least two senior staff members and a bartender
who wears a froofy hat.

> He
>was everything a little brother could want

TOM SERVO [as commercial announcer]: ... and less.

> or didn't want."

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: He was the best of brothers, he was the worst of
brothers....

> "Robert was one of the main reasons I joined Star Fleet.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Anything to get away from him.

> Some
>will tell you it was because he and our father were stuck in the past,
>and I looked for the future, saying there must be more.

CROW: Something more than a harsh life of physical labor in the hot sun,
looking for vine rot every day of the year? Say it ain't so!

> Well if this is
>true, then it was because of Robert.

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: My big brother controlled my life completely,
and I loved him for it!

> My classmates will remember that I
>was almost always at the head of my class.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Enough talking about Robert. Get the attention back
on me.

> That was because of Robert.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: He killed every student who had higher test scores
than I did.

>He had had a hard time in school and was determined that his little
>brother was not going to have the same problems.

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: Mine were going to be *much* more traumatic!

> He once locked me in
>my room to finish my science project while telling father that I had
>stayed after class."

CROW: Later, this technique would be put to good use with the ambassadors
of Naklab.
TOM SERVO: This isn't nearly so much a warm, supportive relationship
as it's a domestic abuse situation.

> "Many of you don't know, and I'd appreciate if it doesn't get
>back to my crew, Doctor, Marrissa,

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: ... that I completely forgot about my adopted daughter
when I told the Counselor that I was now "the last of
the Picards" in that Generations movie.

> that I failed my first attempt at
>getting into the academy. I was devastated at when I received the news.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: Thus began my long, dark year of sin and vice. Most
of it's a blur, but I do remember vino flowing like it
was sewer water....

>I felt I was doomed to live forever in the vineyard,

TOM SERVO: Wouldn't they at least let him back in the house?

> and I wanted more.
>Robert found me crying in the wine cellar, the tear stained letter
>before me. He comforted me, and encouraged me to try again the next
>year."

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: That time, he locked me in the basement for a
whole year. If I hadn't gnawed off my own hair for
sustenance, I never would have made it... but darn it,
it's proof that he loved me!

> "Over the years I have gotten discouraged many times, but there
>was always Robert, willing to talk, or even beat some sense into me.

CROW: But did he have to use the tire iron and gramma's old saucepans?

> I
>got lots of bruises with my hardheadedness,

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: ... and Robert always made sure I covered them
up so no one would find out.

> but Robert was always there,

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: ... to lovingly kick my ass some more.

>even after the feud between my father and I started after I lost the
>Stargazer.

CROW: Yeah, his dad insisted that he shouldn't have screwed up.

> I missed my father's funeral. The Enterprise was too far
>from Earth at the time.

TOM SERVO [as Jean-Luc]: And Robert didn't tell me about it for three
years.

> Which for a while created a gap, which I
>regretted.

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: But then I realized... Gaps are everywhere you look
for good fashion!

> His wife kept me informed though, and when I needed some
>sense kicked into me following Wolf 359, Robert was ready and waiting."

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: He never got tired of beating me up!

> "Robert was many things, a son, a husband, a father,

TOM SERVO: ... a *thug*.
> a wine
>expert, a traditionalist, but for me he filled a most important role,

CROW [as Jean-Luc]: He was the Punch to my Judy.

> he
>was my brother."

MIKE [as Jean-Luc]: So let's hear it for this magnificent bastard!
CROW: Okay, which is creepier: Ratliff's views on the abilities of
children to do adult tasks, or Ratliff's views on what makes
a brother?
TOM SERVO: Every Ratliff story we get paints a scarier and scarier
picture of what kind of family life he seems to think is
normal.

> Jean-Luc Picard had held his tears back until he finished his
>speech, but could hold them no longer. They flowed as he returned to
>his seat.

CROW: Then Father Frances took the podium, looking stunning in his black
satin dress and pumps.

> Marrissa put her arms around him, and tried to comfort her
>father.

MIKE: ... by beating him within an inch of his life, just like Robert
would have done if he were here.

> Next, Isabelle took the podium. She placed her handwritten
>notes before her, took a deep breath and began.

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: A funny thing happened to me on the way to
the funeral today....

> "I'm not sure when I
>first met Rene. His mother has a picture of me stealing his pacifier,
>so I guess I've

CROW [as Isabelle]: ... been terrorizing him all his life.

> known him all my life. We grew up together. We shared
>our hopes, our dreams, our lives."

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: Our implied romance was *so* wonderful... what
lovely things Rene might or might not have said
about my hair... I had such an ill-defined time
that I'll never forget it for as long as I live
off-screen, unless it is retconned out of my past
at a later date.

> "Rene wanted to be a Star Fleet Officer ever since I can
>remember.

CROW [as Isabelle]: At least since last week.

> He wanted to follow his uncle Jean-Luc to the stars, some day
>commanding his own starship, his own Stargazer or Enterprise.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: Or maybe the Starship Titanic.

> He had
>been accepted to the Academy, and was to begin this fall. But tragedy
>cut his life short."

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: He'd started wearing plaid. Trust me, his death
was a mercy.

> "But we are not gathered here to remember the tragedy,

CROW [as Isabelle]: Yeah, why's everybody so down? It's just a funeral.

> and I
>know Rene wouldn't want to be remembered that way. Rene was many
>things. He made model starships and planned to major in Engineering at
>the Academy. He rode horses for Stargazer Stables.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: He breathed. He grew hair. He did stuff.

> Abroad Warp Speed,
>he won four races, and finished second in six more,

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: ... but then the Olympic Committee told him to
stop entering his horse in track and field events.

> most notably, the
>Kentucky Derby and the Preakness. He helped out his father in the
>vineyard, and his mother in the kitchen. His French Bread was the best
>I ever tasted."

CROW [as Isabelle]: Yes, he was a geek... but he was *my* kind of geek.

> "Rene was also my best friend and confidant.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: So let me just tell you all the stuff that he made me
promise to keep secret... hey, it's not like he'll find
out I told, right?

> He helped me with
>my math, and I helped him with history. We shared secrets, and stood up
>for one another.

CROW [as Isabelle]: Well, actually it was mostly me standing up to the
town bully for him, but you get the idea.

> He was my boy friend for four years, and proposed to
>me after the Derby. He was always there for me. Now he is gone.

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: Okay, so this is one time he's not there for me.
But I guess it's not his fault really.

> I'll
>miss him."
> "However, I'll try not to remember the tragedy that took him
>away.

MIKE [as Isabelle]: I'll deny my feelings and personal history and repress
my grief.

> I'll try to remember the dreamer who fell asleep looking at the
>stars, dreaming of

CROW: ... babes in string bikinis.

> starships and adventures. I'll remember the young
>man astride his stallion who raced me and my horse across the field and
>around the track.

TOM SERVO [as Isabelle]: And then there's all the time he spent as
a jockey!

> I'll remember the games of tag at the swimming hole,

MIKE: Oh, thanks a lot, Ratliff! Just when I think I've gotten that
scene out of my head for good...

>and the telling of dreams around the fire place,

CROW [as Isabelle]: The smoke alarm we never got around to installing...

> of the adventures we
>hoped to leave.

MIKE: What?
TOM SERVO: Hey, his spell checker is doing the very best it can. It's
hard enough to make everything into words, it can't make
everything into coherent sentences too.

> Perhaps I'll be a little sad at the memory, but I'll
>remember the good times,

MIKE [as J.J.]: DYN-O-*MITE*!!!

> the dreamer, the companion, and the friend."
> With that, Isabelle broke down and cried. Jean-Luc got up and
>helped his late nephew's fiancee down from the podium to her seat next
>to Marrissa.

CROW [as Marrissa]: Don't cry, Isabelle. Ratliff will get you a new
fiancee. Just look at the new family he gave me!

>
> The mood at the vineyard was somber.

MIKE [boisterously]: Boy, hey, why so quiet? You act like somebody died
or some... oh.

> Robert and Rene Picard had
>been buried in Saint Andrew's Cemetery. Marie existed between bouts of
>tears,

TOM SERVO: This is the first time in history that grief's caused someone
to enter a quantum state, isn't it?

> and Jean-Luc wasn't much better. Little Theresa could not
>understand what had happened and probably wouldn't remember her father
>or brother. That fact brought tears to Marie and Jean-Luc's eyes every
>time their eyes chanced upon her.

CROW: Never to endure Robert's emotional misery... never to know of
Rene's bland wimpiness...

> This left Theresa confused and she
>retreated into Marrissa's arms.
> Marrissa had been spared grief.

MIKE: Marrissa lived in the sunlit world of the eternal now, her self-
centeredness a shield against the morality of an uncaring world...

> She had only known Robert and
>Rene for one brief month the previous year. True she liked Rene, but
>his death

TOM SERVO: ... meant nothing to her, just like all the others, despite
Ratliff's furious attempts to rewrite history.

> paled in comparison to the deaths of her own parents, some
>eleven months before.

CROW: Even in death, the sequel's never better than the original.

> Attempting to escape the grief stricken, Marrissa took Theresa
>out in her stroller.

MIKE: Isn't Marrissa a little old to have a stroller?

> As she pushed her down the road toward the stables
>and town, she asked, "Do you want to see the horses, Theresa?"
> "'Ne's horses?" Theresa inquired.

TOM SERVO: Actually she wants to see the houses. She's getting her real
estate agent's license in a few weeks.

> "Yes, Theresa," Marrissa responded, pushing the stroller down
>the tree-lined, brick covered road. The sun was shining and the birds
>singing a happy tune.

MIKE: Turn back! You've wandered into a Disney film! TURN BACK!!!

> "'Resa love 'orses," Theresa said after a moment.

CROW [as Theresa]: 'Resa won fi'teen grand onna 'orses 'ast week.

> They entered the stables to discover an argument in progress.
>Loud voices drew Marrissa and Theresa to the trainer's office.

MIKE [as Michael Palin]: This isn't an argument! It's just contradiction!
TOM SERVO [as John Cleese]: No it isn't!

> One
>thing was for sure, Isabelle wasn't drowning herself in sorrows, and
>neither was Mike.

CROW: Nope, they were drowning themselves in cheap, sweet booze....

> "I am not letting you risk you child ridding on some foolish
>mission to remember your boy friend," Mike argued as Marrissa and
>Theresa looked in the door.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa, to herself]: Isabelle's getting rid of her child?
The hell?!

> Isabelle was facing away from the door,
>dressed in her jockey's uniform. Mike was standing up behind his desk,
>in his usual sweat shirt and jeans.

CROW: "Hi everyone, I'm Mike, and welcome to the Satellite of Love..."
MIKE: Don't.

> "Doctor Crusher says that I should have no problem riding in the
>Belmont," Isabelle replied.
> "Doctor Crusher is a starship doctor. She has no experience
>dealing with the rigors of horse racing," Mike replied.

CROW: Well, unless the starship itself wanted to race a horse.

> "I beg to differ," Marrissa said as she leaned in the door
>frame.
> "Marrissa, when did you get here?" Isabelle asked, turning back
>to face her.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Dramatic license is MINE to CONTROL!!!
AHAHAHAHAHAHA!

> "About 'risking your child,'" Marrissa responded, looking at
>her fingernails.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: I would like to propose an innovative *new* risk for
your child....

> "Now as for the good Doctor's experience with horse
>racing. Starship Doctors, by their very nature, must be prepared for
>anything, with a holodeck on ship especially.

CROW: Especially the *Enterprise's* holodecks.

> I don't know how many
>times I've injured myself in the holodeck riding horses, and I know my
>Dad has been knocked off his horse a couple times."

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: 'Course, he makes us claim the horse falls out
from under *him*, but...

> "But she's never treated a pregnant jockey before, has she?"
>Mike retorted.
> "There is a first time for everything," Marrissa said.

MIKE: Hmm, let's see... giant spacefaring alien bio-ship that thinks the
Enterprise is its mother, okay... two-dimensional life-forms that
think the ship is a supermarket... half-parallel-universe beings
that feed off the weakening of spacetime... nope, guess she's never
handled a pregnant woman doing something physically strenuous.

> "But the
>Doctor will not give an OK to do anything if their is even the slightest
>chance of harm.

CROW: Except during the teaser, Act I, Act II, Act III, Act IV, or Act V.

> I know, she's kept me out of several missions, or at
>least tried to."

MIKE [as Marrissa]: But the last time, I locked her in the bathroom and
then she couldn't stop me. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

> "Humph, I'm willing to bet that if Doctor Crusher had objected,
>Isabelle wouldn't have told me about it until after the Belmont," Mike
>remarked.

TOM SERVO [sarcastically]: And the Doctor would *never* think of talking
to the horse trainer about her objections,
right?

> "You're probably right," Isabelle responded. "Now can I switch
>to Warp Speed?"

MIKE [as Mike]: Well, okay, but then the race will be done in six one-
millionths of a second.
CROW: Mike? I hereby request permission to kill myself if Isabelle ends
up riding Warp Speed around the sun to go back in time and rescue
Rene.
MIKE: It's only the horse's name, Crow.
CROW: Oh sure, you say that *now*, but just watch!

> "Go ahead," Mike said, sitting back down in his chair. "It will
>probably be easier to find a jockey for a possible Triple Crown winner
>anyway.

TOM SERVO: Sheesh, this is like listening to somebody describing his
clever manipulations of his jai alai rotisserie league team.

> Not that I think any of the current crop of free jockeys are
>any good.

CROW: Well, what do you expect for free?

> I'd rather have Marrissa ride her."

MIKE: And naturally, our little Marrissa, who's only ridden a real horse
once or twice in her entire life, can compete with veteran jockeys.

> "I am available," Marrissa replied.

TOM SERVO [as Marrissa]: Do I get a medal now or later?

> "But somehow I think that
>you would prefer a jockey who wasn't in her first real race. I do know
>the horse, and I've had a lot of time on the holodeck racing. (I do it
>to relieve stress.)

CROW: Parenthetically speaking, that is.

> I think you'd want more in such a situation though."

MIKE: Fifteen stories and he finally admits that computer simulation may
not *precisely* match reality.
TOM SERVO: Steve-o must be doing Java programming these days.

> "They'll probably call me insane,

ALL [dully]: You're insane.

> but after what happened at the
>Preakness, I'm not going to use those jockeys," Mike began.
> "I heard that five of the horses involved will never race
>again," Marrissa said.

CROW: Well, here's something else that Ratliff forgot to tell us about.

> "Right," Mike said. "Anyway, I'll take you up on your offer.
>You'll ride Lady Stargazer.

MIKE: So the greatest tragedy of Jean-Luc's long and eventful life turns
out to be just another excuse to put Marrissa's name in lights
again. Ratliff, you are shameless.

> I expect that you all will not disappoint
>me. I want one of those horses in the winners circle."

TOM SERVO [as Marlon Brando]: If there is no horse in the winner's
circle, I may be forced to... come by.
To speak with you. Make sure that I do
not have to come by, Isabelle.

> "That shouldn't be too hard," Marrissa said.

MIKE [as Marrissa]: It's a cinch if you have Ratliff pulling the strings
for you!

> "Isabelle, who is
>left for us to worry about?"

CROW [as Isabelle]: Nobody! We got the innermost track, so they're all on
our right!

> "Seven horses are currently scheduled, but in my opinion,
>Quarterdeck breed is the only real threat," Isabelle said.

MIKE: Marrissa will have her Starfleet Marines take him out at first light.

> "So you say," Mike replied.

TOM SERVO [as Mike]: That's just what they *want* us to think....

> "Hey, I was right about Kirk's Bane in the Preakness," Isabelle
>defended. "That horse was too sick to race, and the jockey and trainer
>were fools.

CROW [as Isabelle]: Also they're bad people, and probably communists.

> But you said it was pre-race jitters and the horse
>collapsed in the first turn."

TOM SERVO: Listen to the kid, Mike! The kids are always right in these
stories! *Listen to the kid!*

> "So I missed some signs," Mike said.

CROW [as Mike]: No Parking... Speed Limit... Wiggly stuff ahead... hmm...

> "Anyway, what are we going
>to do with you after the Belmont? Their will come a time when you won't
>be able to race.

MIKE [as Mike]: Like if you ever die or something.

> I'm still short on jockeys,

CROW: And Ratliff's still short on talent.

> and I doubt Marrissa will
>be able to cover too many races."

TOM SERVO: Oh man, I wish I could be in this universe so I could clean up
by betting on Marrissa all the time.

> "Probably just the Belmont," Marrissa confirmed. Theresa was
>getting anxious now, pulling at Marrissa's arm toward the horse stalls."

MIKE [as Theresa]: The goat's trying to eat the water pump again!

> "We can figure that out later," Isabelle dismissed. "I think we
>better take Theresa to see the horses now, though. If we don't she's
>libel to sneak out and we'll find her hugging Macedonian's leg again."

CROW [as Isabelle]: And calling it "daddy".

> "Isn't that dangerous?" Marrissa said. "I mean he could step on
>the poor girl with out knowing."

MIKE: Nahhh... most horses would just bite her, then blow fifteen gallons
of snot in her hair.

> "Not Theresa, she's got those horses following her like newborn
>colts," Mike dismissed.

CROW: Sheesh, folks have "dismissed" us about 97 times this scene, but
we still can't leave!

> "I'm willing to bet she has several carrots for
>Warp Speed in that stroller."

TOM SERVO: Reality check, here, Steve: Most 9-month old infants are still
at the crawling stage, can't talk, and wouldn't know a horse
from a hat.

> Theresa pulled out a carrot from behind her back, and said,
>"'Resa love 'ores."

[stunned silence]
MIKE: Ratliff, tell me that you *meant* to say "'orses" there. *Please*.
TOM SERVO: We gotta go, guys.

[Everyone leaves the theater]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[Concluded in Part Five]