In the words of a wise man, "We just hope it doesn't suck."
------
Here's a little MSTing of a particularly ignorant SPAMMER: For Hire.
Special thanks to Matt Duhan for handing us this tripe.
 
 
[SOL.  Tom and Crow are trying to set up their network connection, while
Gypsy looks on.]
 
CROW:  Okay... let's see... double click on Microsoft Network...
GYPSY:  When will Richard be on the Net?
TOM: Go away, Gypsy... reconfigure that config.sys, Crow....
MIKE:  Hi, guys, what are you up to?
TOM: Oh, hi, Mike.  We were just trying out this new idea.  See, Gypsy
scanned this picture of Richard Basehart, and wanted to spam the net.
MIKE: Spam?  Isn't that like Sampo, or something?
TOM: Um... no.
 
[Mad light begins to flash]
MIKE: Oh, look, Cantor and Siegel are calling.
 
DR. F:  Hello, newbies.  Here's a delightful little nugget that should
pain you all greatly.  You've heard of spam?  Well, this is Meta-spam!
 
MIKE: Meta-spam?
DR. F:  Spam about how to spam, you see.  Even if you don't, you will
soon.   Killing the internet will be almost as much fun as killing
Frank!  Frank... oh, Frank... *ahem*  Never mind.  Good luck, surfers,
you'll need it.
 
ALL: We've got post siiiiiignnnnnnn......
 
CROW:  So, if someone were to write down everything we said, and then
cross-post it to a lot of groups, would it be meta-meta-spam?
TOM:  The banality of the meta-meta-spam expresses the inherent ennui
which characterizes the hopeless lives of Sartre's characters...
MIKE: Sartre was wrong.  Hell is meta-spam.
 
 
 
In article <44e23l$4...@globe.indirect.com>,  <SPAM KI...@pork.org>
wrote:
TOM:  I, Jack, the SPA--AM KING!
 
>SPAM KING Jeff Slaton to appear LIVE on Iphone fast.net.com Sunday
Oct 1, 8:00 
CROW:  Good.  Now I know where to target the missiles.
 
>P.M. Mtn Std. Time, Topic ńCybersoftî
MIKE: It's Mountain Stud Time, and I'm Mountain Stud!
TOM: You know guys, it just doesn't get any better than this.
>
>Split Open A Can of Spam With
CROW: High explosives?
TOM: A battle-axe left over from Braveheart?
CROW: A spoon?
TOM: Um, why a spoon?
CROW:  BECAUSE IT WILL HURT MORE!
MIKE: Okay, that's enough.
 
> The 
>SPAM KING!
TOM: [Elvis] Awwwl, thank ya very much...
 
>------------------------------------
>
>
>ATTENTION ALL BUSINESS OWNERS, ADVERTISING AND MARKETING PROFESSIONALS! 
 
MIKE: [loudspeaker] Attention: All Personnel.  Annoying commercial
post ahead.  Take appropriate precautions.  That is all.
 
>
>MASS E-MAIL & POST
> To Over 5,000,000 (Million) Internet Subscribers
>With Your Advertising Message.
 
MIKE: You are 1 (one) annoying character
 
>
> YOU DON'T EVEN NEED TO OWN A COMPUTER!
 
MIKE: You don't even need any ethics at all!
TOM: You don't even need a caps lock key!
CROW: You don't even need a brain!
 
>
>Save Thousands of $$ Compared to 
CROW: Crawling in a hole and dying?
 
>US POSTAL MAIL 
MIKE: And with fewer disgruntled workers!
TOM: Not after this post.
 
>
>EXCITING OFFER AT THE END OF THIS FREE GUIDE
MIKE: End? Soon?  PLEASE?!?
CROW: Sorry, Mike, we just started.
MIKE: It feels like that opening scene of Manos, you know?  Like,
we're still here..
TOM:  Mike, you didn't see Manos!
MIKE: Well, from what I heard...
 
>
>The following is a FREE GUIDE
 
TOM: And worth every penny.
 
> to "Effective Marketing" through the use of
>electronic Mass Posting on the Internet. I have a lot of experience
>and have done extensive research on this new and exciting area of
>electronic marketing.
 
MIKE: [Scientist]  99.8% of respondents checked "Really Pissed" to
describe their feelings about net spammers.
 
>
>THIS IS MY STORY
 
TOM: [singing] This is my song!
CROW: [rapping] Now here's a little story I got to tell...
 
>
>I have been using electronic marketing for the last year with great
>results.
 
TOM: I'm still alive, aren't I?
 
> I 
>recently made national news by Internet marketing commemorative blue
>prints of the Fat Man & Little Boy Atomic Bomb Shell Casings.
 
CROW: You know, it's bad marketing to provide your customers with the
means to destroy you.
 
>  My most recent success was
>marketing a Multi-level Sweepstakes game out of the Bahamas.
 
MIKE: The Feds can't touch me there!
 
>The reason I
>mention these two highly successful programs is that, as strange and
> unusual as these are ... they were very successful! The MLM
>Sweepstakes program netted me 180 NEW DISTRIBUTORS with just one
>e-mailing! Since then many small and large businesses, political
>candidates and non-profit foundations seeking to raise cash have
>sought out my service. This unique idea has provided an opportunity
>for small to large businesses to reach MILLIONS of internet
>subscribers at a LOW COST! What other media could you utilize to
>reach MILLIONS of ON-LINE users for an investment in knowledge, time
>and effort! 
 
TOM:  You KNOW, I think I've seen this METHOD of capitalization
SOMEWHERE else.
MIKE: What are you, talking about, Tom?  It'S nOt LiKe It'S tOrGo, Or
SoMeThIng.
 
>
>HOW I ACCOMPLISHED THE TASK
 
CROW: [Mr. Burns] By trampling the little people, Smithers...
TOM: "How I Did It," by Victor Von Frankenstein.
 
>
>I pulled ALL possible LIST SERVE MAILING LISTS and 14,000 NEWS
>GROUPS
 
MIKE: Fourteen thousand!  How many losers are there reading Usenet?
TOM: Uh, can it, Mike... you might offend someone...
 
> on the 
>Internet.  I send out "just one E-mail" with bcc (blind carbon copy)
 
CROW: Oh, that'll fool 'em.
 
> to all 
>lists. Don't send a separate E-mail to each Mailing List, that takes
>to much time! 
 
MIKE: No one who has read this far places any value on their time,
anyhow.
 
>Just copy and paste E-mail address for each List and send. LIST
>SERVERS act as a postman
 
TOM: Ringing twice?
MIKE: Wait a minute, Mr. Postman!
 
> and deliver your message to ALL members of the mailing list. 
>You want to post to ALL lists at one time.  Encourage your recipients
>to call your business number,
 
CROW: Yeah, I'll call your number...
MIKE: Crow! Stop it! You're incriminating yourself.
TOM: Go for it, Crow.  There ain't a jury in the country...
 
> write to an address to order or obtain more information. I
>also have compiled a huge data base (now over 2 million) of E-mail
addresses that are sent directly to the recipient.
>
>NEWS GROUPS
>
>NEWS GROUPS are used in a similar fashion. I simply PULL the E-mail
>addresses off the News Groups and then blind carbon copy, post
>everyone, with just one E-mail.
 
TOM: [Marlin Perkins] Out of his native element, the unethical
>businessman quickly displays his technical ignorance.
 
>You can also "post your message" to the News Groups. Be prepared for 
>Flames and Mail Bombs (large files designed to clog up the server) to
>both you and your Service Provider. 
 
MIKE:  Just ignore all the people telling you to stop.
 
>However, I have found that the so called "Voices from
>the Net" is much overrated.
 
CROW: Yeah, that was never worth the seven bucks.  Maybe a buck fifty,
in the second-run theater.
TOM: I thought those voices were in my head.
 
> Most people pay no attention if they have no 
>interest.
TOM: [yawns]  Huh?  Were you saying something?
 
> People simply hit the delete key thereby eliminating the message.
MIKE: ^H^H^H^H^H. Damn.
 
> I 
>might add that this method is a whole lot better for the environment
than filling up our landfills with paper junk mail.  However, your
>SERVICE PROVIDER WILL react due to even the smallest amount of mail
>bombs it receives. WHY you ask?  
 
TOM: Actually, I didn't, but I suspect you're going to tell us.
CROW:  Gee, officer, I only shot you a couple of times.  What's the
big deal?
 
>Service Providers get UPSET due to the fact that mail bombs can
>overload, shut or slow down the Server. This temporarily deprives
>some of their customer's access. This tends to make them a LITTLE
>TESTY!
 
TOM:  I know! This guy MUST be Robert MCELWAINE!  How to make
MONEY on the NET!  Money equals TIME equals SPACE!  UN-altered
REPRODUCTION--
MIKE: That's enough, Tom.
TOM: --and DISSEMINATION--
MIKE: Stop it! Don't you know you're hurting me! Did I tell you that I
cried?
TOM: Okay, okay, I'll stop if you do.
MIKE: Deal.
 
 
>  However, this is not as bad as 
>it seems. You already may have received many "connection refused by
>Host" error messages from your Server.
 
CROW: I think your connection has been refused by Host, if you know
what I mean.
 
> This happens when traffic becomes too heavy for your 
>Server to handle and the Server temporarily bottle necks (slows or
>shuts down.) 
 
TOM:  Uh... no.
 
>The issue for your Internet Service Provider is not the issue of
>advertising or marketing.
 
CROW: Look! the latest issue of Internet Service Provider!
TOM: I get the centerfold!
 
> The issue for your Service Provider is a small group of malicious
>people 
 
MIKE: Oh, is *that* who we are?
 
>who have an anti-advertising agenda and will make every attempt to
>stop this new exciting trend in advertising and marketing on the
>Internet. 
 
CROW: Well, not every attempt.  We won't have nuclear capability until
next week.
 
>
>WHEN TO SEND YOUR MASS POSTING
TOM: I'd tell you where to send it, but this is a family show.
 
 
>A suggested time to send out your huge mass posting is on a Monday
>morning at 2:00 am. At that time there is less competition for
>bandwidth. Furthermore, the Syops (system operators serve as
>monitors) 
CROW: A 28", with thousands of colors!
>are usually not very awake on Monday morning. They are more likely to
>let your E-mail slip by due to dealing with 
>hundreds of posting to their Mailing List from the weekend. 
 
TOM:  PUBLIC NOTICE: The preceding has been a display of extreme
ignorance of the workings of the Internet.
 
>It really pays to 
>make your Subject Header something that is "very generic." Many Syops
>just look at the Subject header and NOT the content before posting.
 
MIKE: Syops?  Isn't that someone on Babylon 5?
BOTS: No, Mike.
 
> When that happens ... 
>You're in business! Examples of a good header would be: FYI, Good
>Information, Reply to message, Coffee anyone? 
 
CROW: 3L33T N00D GIF5 0F MARTINA SURTIS?
GYPSY: BLATANTLY COMMERCIAL MATERIAL?
TOM: NO, Gypsy!  
MIKE: Gypsy, you know you get sick when you read news.  Remember that
hot tub thread?  Now, run along and rearrange your Richard Basehart
collection.
GYPSY: Oh, you're right, Mike. [runs along]
 
>You get the idea I am sure. Just be creative 
 
CROW: in imagining ways for you to DIE?
MIKE: Crow, you're pushing it.
 
>and stay away from headers that sound commercial. The subscribers
>also tend to forward your message to others if you request they do so
>in your posting.
 
TOM: They'll do anything you tell them.
CROW: We have no free will! We are all individuals!
 
> BTW, 
>... MOST of the Lists are NOT REALLY MONITORED. Syops will seek to
>censor commercial messages before posting to a group mailing list.
>However, I can assure you that the anti-advertising element is a
>small minority and does not represent the clear majority of on-line
>users.
 
MIKE: According to the Tobacco Science Institute.
TOM: This guy is clueless enough to qualify as a juror on the OJ
retrial.
 
>
>MAJOR BULLETIN BOARDS
>
>AOL, Compuserve, Prodigy and Delphi, ETC.,
TOM: and the cross-dressing clueless newbies that love them, tomorrow
on Geraldo.
 
> don't have the problem of shutting 
>down because of their large size capacity. They are also much slower
>to respond to NEWBIES who don't "know any better." Generally speaking
>it takes about 3 warnings about Mass Posting (spamming) from a
>Service Provider to finally shut you down.
 
TOM: Of course, if you keep fouling it off, you can stand up there all
day.
 
> If you are currently a subscriber to one of the big services and you 
>get bumped off, 
 
CROW: [gangster] Dat's an awfully nice service you got der... be a
real shame if somethin' were to, ah, happen to it.
 
>... a letter of apology to TOS (Terms of Service) with a promise
>not to Mass Post again will always get you turned back on.
 
MIKE: Promises are like pie crusts: made to be broken.
 
>
>USE OF AN AUTOMATED ANSWERING SERVICE & MARKET
> EXPANSION LINE
 
TOM: Uh, wait for the beep, then leave a message?
CROW: Press 1 to leave a mail bomb.  Press 2 to complain to the
postmaster.
 
>
>One technique that I use with a great deal of success is an AUTOMATED
>ANSWERING SERVICE. US WEST COMMUNICATIONS (phone 
>company) provides service called VOICE MESSAGING. You will never miss
>a message or have a busy line again! This service adds $6.95 a month
>to your phone bill.
 
MIKE: Have you ever had your phone take messages while you were busy? 
YOU WILL.
TOM: Uh, Mike, I have.  For about 3 years now.
MIKE: Oh.  Well, maybe YOU WILL tomorrow, also?
 
> The great thing about it is that it can 
>handle ALL your incoming calls at one time. I have my Voice Mail
>Service set up as an information and ordering HOT LINE.  If you 
>expect MORE calls than what this service can handle, then you may
>want to invest about $30.00 a month for a full Voice Mail Service or
>employ a receptionist who can actually answer the phone to take
>orders.
 
TOM:  And you know a place where we can get a receptionist for 30
bucks a month?
 
>
>The use of a MARKET EXPANSION LINE can also be very useful. This is
>simply a phone number that automatically call forwards to the number
>of your choosing. 
 
CROW:  Hello, Senator Packwood's office, may I help you?
 
>The advantage of this service is that you can use this number in your
>advertising and then disconnect it at anytime in the future without
>ever compromising your true phone number.
 
MIKE: I am not a number!  I am a free man!
 
> A market expansion line costs aprox. $28.00
>to set up plus $15.00 a month service fee. Contact your local
>telephone service provider for complete details on Voice Messaging
>and the Market Expansion line. 
>
>IMPORTANT TIP: REALLY PAY ATTENTION TO THIS!
>
>This Tip is MOST important!
 
CROW: Just never stick it in your ear, unless it's bigger than your
elbow, in which case, it is quite a tip!
 
> Make sure that you have an address and telephone 
>number in your message for prospects to call or write. Remember that
>your Service Provider will bump you off.
 
CROW: I'd like to bump you off...
MIKE: CROW! That's your last warning.
 
> Therefore, don't count on recieving any 
>replies via E-mail.  Yes, you will get an occasional nut case/radical
>who will call to complain. HOWEVER, you will receive LOT$ of
>legitimate orders for your valuable product or service! Make sure
>that you use a MAIL BOX ETC. address as your business address.
 
TOM: That way THEY'll have to put up with the real mail bombs.
 
> This company will give you what will appear to be a real
>street address as opposed to a PO BOX. You never can tell if a REAL
>nut case will drop by your home or business location and cause problems.  
 
MIKE: Will the REAL nut case here please stand up?
 
>
>HELPFUL HINTS
 
CROW: As opposed to the rest of this, which was just meaningless
drivel.
 
>
>You can make your mass posting program last much longer with your
>Service Provider if you take the time to post a question to the Mailing List
>that fits their subject matter and then add a PS, ... BTW, Do you want to buy
>something ... information.
 
MIKE: "Um, Rush is pretty cool.  And, do you wanna buy a cheap watch?"
 
> This tip was offered to me by one of the big List Syops.
 
CROW: [seedy voice] Go ahead, kid.  The first one's free.
 
>However, I found this very time consuming to post individually to
>thousands of lists and far EASIER to just change Service Providers.
 
TOM: Just burn all your bridges behind you.
CROW: Burn all you want! We'll make more!
 
> Again, if you're going to
>Mass post (spam) ... do it BIG!!!  Little or BIG mass posting, the
>result is the same.
 
MIKE: Millions of people around the world hate you?
 
> Your Service Provider will tire of receiving Mail Bombs and
>eventually give you the Old Heave Ho!
 
CROW: Leave the poor old cow! Move it, Madelaine!
 
> Keep in mind that you ARE going to be eventually 
>bumped off anyway 
 
TOM: I can hardly wait.
MIKE: Not you too, Tom?
 
>... so what's the difference?  Don't be afraid to mass post to
>your Mailing Lists again and again. There is a constant turn over of
>subscribers to any Mailing List providing you new prospects for your
>marketing efforts. 
>
>THE INTERNET gods HAVE SPOKEN!
 
CROW: They must be crazy.
 
>
>Your Mailing-List SYOP will say to you "The Internet gods have
>spoken.
 
MIKE: Thou shalt not count to four, neither shalt thou count to two...
 
> You are 
>FOREVER BANNED from ever using our Mailing-List again"!
 
TOM: The forever band?  That would be the Rolling Stones, I guess.
 
> They will put a block on
>your current net address preventing you access.  HOWEVER, each time
>you change Service Providers ... guess what? 
 
TOM: Chicken Butt!
CROW: You're so childish, Tom.
TOM: I know you are, but what am I?
CROW: I'm rubber, and you're glue...
  
> You have a NEW E-Mail Address! The 
>Mailing-List computer site is kind of stupid and doesn't recognize
>that you're the same person. 
 
MIKE: But deep down inside, you'll know.
 
>This also works if you change Mail programs to the "same" 
>Service Provider. Just a slight change in your mail program will do
>the trick!  Example: Just change from Eudora to Pine and AWAY YOU GO 
>AGAIN!
 
CROW: As in, "Look, I'll tell you AGAIN, GO AWAY!"
 
>
>NETIQUETTE?  WHAT THE @#^%* IS THAT!?
 
CROW: Isn't this like like a lawyer describing ethics?
TOM: And what the hell is @#^%*?
MIKE: Hey, watch your mouth.
 
>
>"I do know one thing about Netiquette, 
>not very many users practice it!"
>
>The Net is totally unregulated and governed by something called
>"Netiquette."  However, you can within reason, disregard Netiquette
 
MIKE: Shown here, actual size.
 
>changing self imposed rules and hypocrisy of most of the users. If
>you don't believe this, just monitor 
 
TOM: Isn't that similar to a gila monster?
CROW: The horror! The horror!
 
>some News Groups and you will soon agree! Keep in 
>mind that the Internet community strongly supports First Amendment
>Rights, including the right to distribute and promote explicit
>pornography, text and all sorts of weird ideas and Weirdo's.
 
TOM: Could someone pleeze post some kewl Weirdo's?
 
> However, at the same time, a small vocal 
>minority will object, oppose and seek to censor an innocent
>commercial message.... GO FIGURE!!
 
MIKE: Heck, we'd be happy if you'd just GO.
 
>
>LEGAL CONSIDERATIONS
 
TOM: Consideration is something with which you seem to be completely 
unacquainted.
 
>
>I have consulted with everyone from the Internet Society to my states
>Attorney General Office and private Attorneys who specialize in the
>field of Postal, Wire, and the newly emerging Internet.
 
MIKE: [Jeff Slaton] Hello, Johnny Cochran?  This is Jeff Slaton...
TOM: [Jeff Slaton] Hello, Cantor and Siegel?  This is Jeff Slaton...
CROW: [Jeff Slaton] Hello, G. Gordon Liddy?  This is Jeff Slaton...
 
> There are no civil or criminal laws being 
>violated as a result of MASS POSTING!  NONE AT ALL!! 
 
CROW: And if it's not illegal, it CAN'T be wrong!!
TOM: Anything not expressly forbidden is MANDATORY!!
MIKE: You guys are scaring me.
 
>
>DIRECT MARKETING ASSOCIATION
>
>The Direct Marketing Association says that you should average about
>1.5 or 2% response from a U S POSTAL mailing program. I have found
>that percentage is right on the money with E-mailing!  In fact, 
>readership is almost 100% compared 
>to half of U S POSTAL junk mail being thrown away unopened. However,
>even if your response is a tiny 1/10 of 1% from 5,000.000 E-mails,
>that still is 5,000 prospective customers for your product or
>service!
 
MIKE: So, if a bee flies from one locomotive directly towards
another....
 
>
>I hope this primer on Electronic Marketing will bring you much
>success as you join with me in pioneering new marketing
>opportunities!
 
CROW: What, that you were ridiculed before thousands of onlookers?
 
>
>NOW HERE IS MY OFFER TO YOU!
>I WILL help you reach 5,000,000 MILLION prospects 
>RIGHT NOW!
 
TOM:  Um, there aren't 5 Million million people on Earth.
CROW: Well, Tom, he didn't say "people." He said prospects.  Maybe he
wants to sell stuff to bugs and worms.
TOM:  Isn't there a law against selling stuff to your kin?
CROW: Not in West Virginia.
 
>
>I will set up your mass posting program for a total of $425.00.
 
CROW: So, I'm paying you $425 to read news?
TOM: Does that include bail?
 
>Avoid the need 
>to sit in front of your computer downloading E-Mail addresses for 
>literally months at a time! I can launch your program within days of
>receiving your order!
 
MIKE: Houston, we are go for main engine start.
 
>
>REMEMBER: You DO NOT have to own a computer!  However, you must
>be able to receive and answer thousands of inquires from interested
>prospects!
>
>I can also attach a GIF or JPEG file to your message at no additional
>charge!
 
GYPSY:  Richard Basehart!  In COLOR!  *faints*
MIKE:  Come on, guys.  Help me move Gypsy far away from the
newsreader.
 
>This is a file that appears as a separate attachment to your E-Mail.
>The file appears on your prospects screen as 
 
TOM: Hundreds of bytes of ascii gibberish, since hardly anyone has a
newsreader that uudecodes on the fly.
CROW: I thought they were all ascii N00D PI[TUR35 of MURTIN4 53RTI5.
 
>a quality full page color or black & white 
>advertisement.
 
> (You will have to provide the Art work. Lay out must be no larger
>than an 8 1/2 x 11.) Cost includes set-up, consultation 
 
TOM: [Jeff Slaton]  Frankly, Bob, this picture sucks.
 
>and running of program 
>on your Internet account.  
>
>To begin your Internet Advertising Campaign,
> please call or write to:
>
>Jeff Slaton 
>5901 J Wyoming Bld N E  Suite #284
>Albq.,  NM  87109
 
CROW: New Mexico?  White Sands?  A-bomb plans?  Radiation poisoning?
Coincidence?  YOU DECIDE.
TOM: Hanger 18?  Alien autopsies?  Actually, I heard they cut open
that alien and found Spam inside.
MIKE: So that's where Spam comes from.
 
>CALL (505) 821-1945 voice mail
>Please leave your name, complete address and phone number.
>(Sorry, but incomplete information will not receive a reponse)
>
>The following must be signed and dated with your order.
 
CROW: I order you to BE QUIET.
 
>
>DISCLAIMER: 
>Advertising on the Internet is new and controversial. You may receive
>protesting phone calls or be the object of electronic attacks if you
>engage in it, particularly on a mass basis.  The use of mass posting
>programs is highly controversial.
 
TOM: They bought their tickets.  They knew what they were getting
into.
 
> Mr. Jeff Slaton acts only as a programmer and consultant for such
>services and has no control over what may occur in such cases. The
>purchaser agrees to hold Mr. Jeff Slaton, his employees, and
>representatives harmless from any and all repercussions
 
TOM: He's not going to be held harmless from the repercussions that
I'm gonna give him.
CROW:  Tom, you can't move your arms.
TOM: Oh, yeah.
 
 
> resulting from the use of mass posting programs or
>services purchased from Mr. Jeff Slaton including but not limited to
>electronic attacks and suspension of purchasers Internet account.
 
CROW: Mr. Slaton acts only as hit man, and accepts no responsibility
for the deaths of those hit.
MIKE: I'm a patsy!
 
>
>copyright@1995
>All Rights Reserved
 
TOM: Oh, like anyone would want to claim *this*.
>
 
 
[SOL]
 
MIKE:  Okay, we're ready to spam.  We have Tom connected to the
computer with our Internet Servo Provider.  Crow, load his head with
Spam.
 
CROW:  [reading] Turn key to the left....  *snap*  Aargh! There's 
another broken key.  Hand me that screwdriver, Mike.
 
[Mike and Crow get the spam open, and slop it into Tom's head.]
 
TOM:  Of course, we've never really tested this.  Oh well.  Too late 
now. Switch me on!
 
[Mike switches the Spam switch on the ISP]
[The spam level in Tom's head begins to fall]
 
GYPSY: It's working!  We're covering the Earth with Richard Basehart!
 
CROW: Gee, this is easy.  I can't believe someone would pay that guy 
$425 to do this.
 
TOM: Well, I didn't exactly see a lot of glowing testimonials.
 
MIKE: Hey guys, what does this red light mean?
 
[Spam starts to back up in Tom's head]
 
CROW:  Duck! She's gonna blow!
 
[Tom's head explodes in a gooey disgusting Spammy mess.]
 
TOM: Ooh, I feel so.. funky.
 
CROW: You must not be compatible with Microsoft Network.
 
MIKE: Oh look, Hormel's on the line.
 
DR. F [covered with spam]:  Way to go, my minions.  It seems that 
you've blown Spam all the way through the Deep 13 Internet Gateway.  I
guess I'm going to have to pull your privileges.
 
CROW: Oh, that's all right.  We'll just switch to AOL, and you'll
never know it's us!
 
DR. F:  Well, I would send you some more pain, but I'm going to get
cleaned up.  It takes work to maintain my stylish haircut, you know.
 
MIKE: I'm sure it does, Dr. F.  And look on the bright side: you don't
have to make dinner!
 
DR. F:  That's enough out of you.  Push the button, Fra...  Rats!
[pushes button]
 
 
                           \|/
                  --------- 0 ----------
                           /|\
 
All this stuff belongs to Best Brains, except for the lines we stole from someone else.  The Brains are way cooler than us, so don't sue.
 
 
> However, at the same time, a small vocal 
>minority will object, oppose and seek to censor an innocent
>commercial message. ... GO FIGURE!!
 
 
brought to you by Brian Jones, Doug Natelson, and Bill Tompkins.
unfunny filter applied by Bernie Gilroy.
Is anyone up for a public hanging, burning, or other extreme punishment? It's
time to take action against some of these spammers! Let's take back the net!
-- 
Mike Cohen - is...@netcom.com
Home Page: ftp://ftp.netcom.com/pub/is/isis/home.html
Sound is the same for all the world - Youssou N'dour, "Eyes Open"