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MiSTed: Neuron's "!A DECLARATION OF WAR!" (Warning: Foul language is used)

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Diane

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Oct 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/4/97
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After this posting, anything related to Neuron, besides the "!A
DECLARATION OF WAR!" posting, I will ignore, or if it is a response to
this. Promise. Boy Scouts Honor.

Roland, prepare for torture, Warner

-----

<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>

<Mike and the Bots stand around a computer sitting on the desk>

Mike: Hi everyone! Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love with our
brand new computer!

Tom: That's right everyone, the ol' SOL has gone on-line now, and we're
checking out the <dramatic voice> SUPER INFORMATION HIGHWAY!

Crow: Hey Mike, click there!

<Mike grabs the mouse and clicks it. Lights go down across the
satellite, except Mads light, which is flashing.>

Mike: Yes, Dr. Strange?

<Mike hits the light>

<Deep 13>

Dr.F: Ah, Nelson, I have decided to forgo the Invention Exchange today,
and instead, send you the worst posting possible. Many say the author
of today's post is more horrible than me, but, I do try to do my worst.
Get ready for Neuron's "!A DECLARATION OF WAR!"

<SOL>

Mike: Oh God, No Humanity!!

<Lights flash, chaos ensues>

All: Ahhhh!! We've got insane.loon sign!

<6...5...4...3...2...1...@>

<Mike and the Bots enter the theater.>

> Subject: !A DECLARATION OF WAR!

Tom: Must be the opposite of ".The Declaration of Independence."

> Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 00:01:46 -0700
> From: Neuron <neur...@ix.netcom.com.no.spam>

Mike: He writes Norwegian Spam?

>Organization: Netcom
> Newsgroups: alt.flame, aus.flame, alt.genius.bill-palmer, alt.evil,
> alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc

Crow: Whoa, friends everywhere!

> I have been posting here in rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc for well over a year,

Tom: <As Neuron> Does this qualify me for senior discounts?

> and I have been around much longer than that.

Mike: He has yet to evolve though.

> I have watched the ratmm
> regulars slowly but surly hound many posters out of ratmm...too many.

Crow: Then why stay?

> Any poster who spoke a forbidden word, or had an opinion contrary to the
> regulars’ views, was guilty of blasphemy.

Tom: And then cast into the pit of eternal peril!

> They were, and still are,
> attacked via flames, mailbombs, spam, and netcopping if they dare to
> cross the regulars.

Mike: <Godfather Voice> Perhaps some day I can return the favor.

>
> This is unacceptable behavior in a public group

Crow: So please stop mooning me.

> that is not moderated and
> has no set topic.

Tom: So, let's see here, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc DOESN'T have MST3K as a
topic?

> The regulars have no authority to make rules, and no
> power other than that which they gain from cowardly tactics of netcopping
> and harassment. However, as recent events have proven, those tactics are
> also a flop. I am here to tell the regulars that your time is over.

Mike: <As Neuron> All right, give it up everyone! Come out with your
hands up and no one will be flamed!

> The
> example has been set.

Crow: <As Neuron> I will sacrifice one of you to the Neuron God.

> I will make it clear to all, that they can post
> what they want to ratmm.

Crow: Oh great, more spam!

> I will stand as an example that your attempts
> at moderating this unmoderated group will be thwarted.

Tom: Yes, let's thwart their evil plans to keep MST3K as the topic!

>
> All one has to do is read the FAQ to see that the regulars are an elitist
> bunch of aristocratic jerks. It is bad enough that you alienate people
> for the horrible crime of having an opinion different than your own

Mike: You know, I'm wondering, why does he stay in a group with the
topic MST3K if he worries about speaking out against those who hate
other's opinions?

> ...or
> talking about a topic you dislike,

Crow: Like sex!

> but you even go so far as to have the
> gall to think you have the right to institutionalize your hypocrisy. You
> think you have the right to create your own “FAQ”

Tom: Oh, heaven forbid they should create their own FAQ!

> (read manifesto) that
> tries to pass off your preferences as valid rules. This, from the same
> pigs who consistently attack people for “presenting their opinions as
> facts,” when they say they dislike something you like.

Mike: I say pot-ay-to!
Crow: I say pot-ah-to!
Tom: Shut up, both of you, it's pot-eh-to!

>
> Now, some of you have even sunk so deep into your own delusions of
> grandeur, that you actually think you can set this group up as a
> moderated group, just because you want to?

Mike: No.

> Do you ever listen to
> yourselves when you are bitching about wanting to determine who can and
> can’t post here, based on nothing but your personal feelings?

Tom: You know, I do believe we have found someone worse than Dr.
Forrester.

> Do you
> ever actually listen to what you are saying?

Crow: Hey, no one ever said there was going to be a quiz!

>
> I speak for a great many posters here,

Tom: Like the Jurassic Park Movie Poster and Super Model Posters.

> when I say that this is NOT your
> personal chat group,

Mike: You know, I've never met someone so hypocritical.

> and you have absolutely no right to even try to set
> rules, dictate terms, or strongly suggest a damn thing about the content.
> This is a public place, not your cliquey little pissing ground. If you
> want to decide who is welcome and who is not, and if you want to control
> the topics with an iron fist, then start a mailing list or some other
> PRIVATE method of communication.

Crow: The MST3K Treehouse (No Neurons Allowed)

>
> Because so long as you think you have the right to tell people on this
> group what they can and can't do, I will do everything I can to annoy the
> hell out of you by breaking every pseudo-rule you try to unjustly
> enforce.

Tom: <As Neruon> Yes, let's set up my very own rule about not setting
up rules!

>
> Love,

Crow: Your mother.

> Neuron

Mike: Oh hey, you know those things inside Atoms.
Crow: Okay guys, that's it, let's get outta here now!

>
> --

Tom: Uh-oh, .sig file.

> Check out: http://pw1.netcom.com/~neuron96/Spiffy.html

Mike: It's a "spiffy" page!

> for more information on the HFW.

Crow: And other local charities.

>
> Check out: http://www.geocities.com/Nashville/5680

Tom: To see the Garth Brooks fan page.

> To see the HFW trying to pick up the pieces of their broken egos.

All: <giggles>
Mike: Must look like a scene from "Earthquake!" considering the size of
their egos.
Crow: Now, we can leave!

<M&TB leave>

<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>

<Crow is standing at the desk when Mike and Tom enter.>

Crow: Hey guys, in response to today's horridly evil post I've hired
someone who might be able to clear up some of the points made today.

Mike: <panics> You didn't use my credit card again, did you?

Crow: Nope, Mike you know I'd never do that to you again. This time, I
found your whole wallet. But anyway, today's guest is none other than
Neuron himself!

<Hexa-screen opens up and reveals Neuron, who is yet undescribable, but
we can all picture the evil.>

All: <Screams of panic and terror.>

Neuron: Shut up! Keep your screams to yourself! From now on, no one
will say a word of opinion about themselves or anything!

Mike: Crow, get it out of here!

Crow: But Mike, there are several questions today that need to be
answered!

Tom: Crow, you'll be answering a few questions if you don't get it out
of here!

Neuron: Be quiet, both of you, let him talk!

Crow: Yeah, now, Mr. Neuron, considering your post "!A DECLARATION OF
WAR!" several questions emerged, like: Is spamming the RATMM newsgroup
acceptible according to your new "policy" which you so vividly stated as
not to allow one to be present in the Newgroup?

Neuron: I don't have to answer these questions! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need some cake.

<Hexa-screen closes>

<Mad's Light flashes>

Mike: Yes, Doc?

<Deep 13>

<Dr. Forrester and Neuron are talking to one another>

Dr.F: Ah, Mike, I see you've already met my new friend, Neuron. I do
believe . . .

Neuron: Shut up, who cares about your opinion?

Dr.F: Hey . . .

Neuron: And besides your going about torturing these three all wrong.
You gotta keep them on mute if you want the full pain. Besides, it'll
keep them from ruining a good movie or someone's opinion.

Dr.F: Hey, you're right, I'm glad I thought of it!

Neuron: And I do believe I'll be taking over Deep 13 down here from now
on. Your presence isn't needed here any more, Dr. Forrester.

Dr.F: What the . . .

Neuron: I believe I can do a better job here, so off you go now!
Scat! Leave!

<Neuron pushes Dr. Forrester out the door>

Neuron: Now, all I need is a sidekick . . .

<Enter Q-Ball>

Q-Ball: Here I am!

Neuron: Good! Now, push the button, Q-Ball!

<Q-Ball pushes the button>

\|/
-o-
/|\
(whoosh!)

-----

Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for
entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.

-----

> I am here to tell the regulars that your time is over. The
> example has been set.

Norb

unread,
Oct 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/4/97
to

In article <343698...@geocities.com>
Diane <dia...@vnet.net> writes:

> <Hexa-screen opens up and reveals Neuron, who is yet undescribable, but
> we can all picture the evil.>

Interesting. You know, of course, that if N***on fits the description
of the average net.addict, he's about fifteen, nearsighted, and a hard
gainer. If he and ratmm met in the real world, Ratliff could take him,
easy.
I think of this whenever a new flamer appears, and I feel less
threatened. But then, in my life I have seldom met any angry,
bile-spewing young men whom I could not snap like a twig.

Norb

Ted Nel902

unread,
Oct 4, 1997, 3:00:00 AM10/4/97
to

In article <343698...@geocities.com>, Diane <dia...@vnet.net> writes:
<hated to spnip such a funny post>

Excellent post!


--
"I'm TED NELSON!!!!"
really....

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