Roland, prepare for torture, Warner
-----
<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>
<Mike and the Bots stand around a computer sitting on the desk>
Mike: Hi everyone! Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of Love with our
brand new computer!
Tom: That's right everyone, the ol' SOL has gone on-line now, and we're
checking out the <dramatic voice> SUPER INFORMATION HIGHWAY!
Crow: Hey Mike, click there!
<Mike grabs the mouse and clicks it. Lights go down across the
satellite, except Mads light, which is flashing.>
Mike: Yes, Dr. Strange?
<Mike hits the light>
<Deep 13>
Dr.F: Ah, Nelson, I have decided to forgo the Invention Exchange today,
and instead, send you the worst posting possible. Many say the author
of today's post is more horrible than me, but, I do try to do my worst.
Get ready for Neuron's "!A DECLARATION OF WAR!"
<SOL>
Mike: Oh God, No Humanity!!
<Lights flash, chaos ensues>
All: Ahhhh!! We've got insane.loon sign!
<6...5...4...3...2...1...@>
<Mike and the Bots enter the theater.>
> Subject: !A DECLARATION OF WAR!
Tom: Must be the opposite of ".The Declaration of Independence."
> Date: Tue, 23 Sep 1997 00:01:46 -0700
> From: Neuron <neur...@ix.netcom.com.no.spam>
Mike: He writes Norwegian Spam?
>Organization: Netcom
> Newsgroups: alt.flame, aus.flame, alt.genius.bill-palmer, alt.evil,
> alt.fan.karl-malden.nose, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
Crow: Whoa, friends everywhere!
> I have been posting here in rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc for well over a year,
Tom: <As Neuron> Does this qualify me for senior discounts?
> and I have been around much longer than that.
Mike: He has yet to evolve though.
> I have watched the ratmm
> regulars slowly but surly hound many posters out of ratmm...too many.
Crow: Then why stay?
> Any poster who spoke a forbidden word, or had an opinion contrary to the
> regulars’ views, was guilty of blasphemy.
Tom: And then cast into the pit of eternal peril!
> They were, and still are,
> attacked via flames, mailbombs, spam, and netcopping if they dare to
> cross the regulars.
Mike: <Godfather Voice> Perhaps some day I can return the favor.
>
> This is unacceptable behavior in a public group
Crow: So please stop mooning me.
> that is not moderated and
> has no set topic.
Tom: So, let's see here, rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc DOESN'T have MST3K as a
topic?
> The regulars have no authority to make rules, and no
> power other than that which they gain from cowardly tactics of netcopping
> and harassment. However, as recent events have proven, those tactics are
> also a flop. I am here to tell the regulars that your time is over.
Mike: <As Neuron> All right, give it up everyone! Come out with your
hands up and no one will be flamed!
> The
> example has been set.
Crow: <As Neuron> I will sacrifice one of you to the Neuron God.
> I will make it clear to all, that they can post
> what they want to ratmm.
Crow: Oh great, more spam!
> I will stand as an example that your attempts
> at moderating this unmoderated group will be thwarted.
Tom: Yes, let's thwart their evil plans to keep MST3K as the topic!
>
> All one has to do is read the FAQ to see that the regulars are an elitist
> bunch of aristocratic jerks. It is bad enough that you alienate people
> for the horrible crime of having an opinion different than your own
Mike: You know, I'm wondering, why does he stay in a group with the
topic MST3K if he worries about speaking out against those who hate
other's opinions?
> ...or
> talking about a topic you dislike,
Crow: Like sex!
> but you even go so far as to have the
> gall to think you have the right to institutionalize your hypocrisy. You
> think you have the right to create your own “FAQ”
Tom: Oh, heaven forbid they should create their own FAQ!
> (read manifesto) that
> tries to pass off your preferences as valid rules. This, from the same
> pigs who consistently attack people for “presenting their opinions as
> facts,” when they say they dislike something you like.
Mike: I say pot-ay-to!
Crow: I say pot-ah-to!
Tom: Shut up, both of you, it's pot-eh-to!
>
> Now, some of you have even sunk so deep into your own delusions of
> grandeur, that you actually think you can set this group up as a
> moderated group, just because you want to?
Mike: No.
> Do you ever listen to
> yourselves when you are bitching about wanting to determine who can and
> can’t post here, based on nothing but your personal feelings?
Tom: You know, I do believe we have found someone worse than Dr.
Forrester.
> Do you
> ever actually listen to what you are saying?
Crow: Hey, no one ever said there was going to be a quiz!
>
> I speak for a great many posters here,
Tom: Like the Jurassic Park Movie Poster and Super Model Posters.
> when I say that this is NOT your
> personal chat group,
Mike: You know, I've never met someone so hypocritical.
> and you have absolutely no right to even try to set
> rules, dictate terms, or strongly suggest a damn thing about the content.
> This is a public place, not your cliquey little pissing ground. If you
> want to decide who is welcome and who is not, and if you want to control
> the topics with an iron fist, then start a mailing list or some other
> PRIVATE method of communication.
Crow: The MST3K Treehouse (No Neurons Allowed)
>
> Because so long as you think you have the right to tell people on this
> group what they can and can't do, I will do everything I can to annoy the
> hell out of you by breaking every pseudo-rule you try to unjustly
> enforce.
Tom: <As Neruon> Yes, let's set up my very own rule about not setting
up rules!
>
> Love,
Crow: Your mother.
> Neuron
Mike: Oh hey, you know those things inside Atoms.
Crow: Okay guys, that's it, let's get outta here now!
>
> --
Tom: Uh-oh, .sig file.
> Check out: http://pw1.netcom.com/~neuron96/Spiffy.html
Mike: It's a "spiffy" page!
> for more information on the HFW.
Crow: And other local charities.
>
> Check out: http://www.geocities.com/Nashville/5680
Tom: To see the Garth Brooks fan page.
> To see the HFW trying to pick up the pieces of their broken egos.
All: <giggles>
Mike: Must look like a scene from "Earthquake!" considering the size of
their egos.
Crow: Now, we can leave!
<M&TB leave>
<@...1...2...3...4...5...6>
<Crow is standing at the desk when Mike and Tom enter.>
Crow: Hey guys, in response to today's horridly evil post I've hired
someone who might be able to clear up some of the points made today.
Mike: <panics> You didn't use my credit card again, did you?
Crow: Nope, Mike you know I'd never do that to you again. This time, I
found your whole wallet. But anyway, today's guest is none other than
Neuron himself!
<Hexa-screen opens up and reveals Neuron, who is yet undescribable, but
we can all picture the evil.>
All: <Screams of panic and terror.>
Neuron: Shut up! Keep your screams to yourself! From now on, no one
will say a word of opinion about themselves or anything!
Mike: Crow, get it out of here!
Crow: But Mike, there are several questions today that need to be
answered!
Tom: Crow, you'll be answering a few questions if you don't get it out
of here!
Neuron: Be quiet, both of you, let him talk!
Crow: Yeah, now, Mr. Neuron, considering your post "!A DECLARATION OF
WAR!" several questions emerged, like: Is spamming the RATMM newsgroup
acceptible according to your new "policy" which you so vividly stated as
not to allow one to be present in the Newgroup?
Neuron: I don't have to answer these questions! Now, if you'll excuse
me, I need some cake.
<Hexa-screen closes>
<Mad's Light flashes>
Mike: Yes, Doc?
<Deep 13>
<Dr. Forrester and Neuron are talking to one another>
Dr.F: Ah, Mike, I see you've already met my new friend, Neuron. I do
believe . . .
Neuron: Shut up, who cares about your opinion?
Dr.F: Hey . . .
Neuron: And besides your going about torturing these three all wrong.
You gotta keep them on mute if you want the full pain. Besides, it'll
keep them from ruining a good movie or someone's opinion.
Dr.F: Hey, you're right, I'm glad I thought of it!
Neuron: And I do believe I'll be taking over Deep 13 down here from now
on. Your presence isn't needed here any more, Dr. Forrester.
Dr.F: What the . . .
Neuron: I believe I can do a better job here, so off you go now!
Scat! Leave!
<Neuron pushes Dr. Forrester out the door>
Neuron: Now, all I need is a sidekick . . .
<Enter Q-Ball>
Q-Ball: Here I am!
Neuron: Good! Now, push the button, Q-Ball!
<Q-Ball pushes the button>
\|/
-o-
/|\
(whoosh!)
-----
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-----
> I am here to tell the regulars that your time is over. The
> example has been set.
> <Hexa-screen opens up and reveals Neuron, who is yet undescribable, but
> we can all picture the evil.>
Interesting. You know, of course, that if N***on fits the description
of the average net.addict, he's about fifteen, nearsighted, and a hard
gainer. If he and ratmm met in the real world, Ratliff could take him,
easy.
I think of this whenever a new flamer appears, and I feel less
threatened. But then, in my life I have seldom met any angry,
bile-spewing young men whom I could not snap like a twig.
Norb
Excellent post!
--
"I'm TED NELSON!!!!"
really....