Mystery Usenet Theater 3000:
"Athena Prospects- Mango Version"
By Stephen Ratliff
Misting by:
Doug Atkinson
Matt Blackwell
Kevin Gowen
Raf Kaplan
Bill Livingston
Mighty Jack
John C. Mozena
Rottweiller
Tom Salyers
WereTorgo
Dedicated to the Memory of DeForrest Kelly, who never had
the privilege of appearing in a Ratliff story. He'll be
missed.
"Why did I post that. Couldn't I have waited. How quickly
can I replace that. Is it possible to remove the existance
of Time Speeder from the continum?"
---Stephen Ratliff to rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc
September 24, 1997
[Season 10 Opening Sequence]
[The Bridge of the SoL]
[A small, lit stage has been assembled on top of the command console.
Tom, dressed in a skimpy gold outfit, is atop it, dancing as
seductively as a fireplug shaped robot with inarticulate arms can.
Crow stands nearby, watching Tom. In the background, "Like the
Desert Needs the Rain" is playing.]
Crow: No, no. I still can't see why they find this to be appealing.
Tom: Huh. How about this then?
[Tom begins dancing in a different manner. We think.]
Crow: Nope. Not a thing. [Crow turns towards Cambot.]
Hi everyone, and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I'm Crow T.
Robot, and the mean, lean, dancing machine with me is Tom
Servo, Esq. We're continuing our studies into what makes
humans tick. Today, we're looking at dancing. Humans
seem so fascinated by this...
Tom: [still dancing] Crow? Can I stop dancing now?
[The commercial sign begins to flash.]
Crow: Not just yet. I think that I'm almost to an explanation. Just
keep dancing through the commercial. [To Cambot] We'll be
right back.
[Commercials]
[The Bridge. Tom is still dancing, but very slowly.]
Tom: Crow? Can I pleeeease stop dancing?
Crow: Almost there...
Tom: Come on! I think my internal gyroscope is
off line now.
Crow: No! There must be an answer somewhere!
[Enter Mike, who's carrying enough guns to make John Woo
envious.]
Crow: Hey Mike? Do you find Tom's dancing to be calling to you
on a way too primal to articulate?
[Mike glances quickly at Tom, then turns back to Crow.]
Mike: No. Crow? Where'd you leave the time machine?
Crow: It's over in the corner.
Mike: Thanks. [Mike exits.]
Tom: See? Mike doesn't find my dancing to be interesting at
all! I'm going to stop now!
Crow: No, no! Mike's not a valid test subject! He's been . . .
stuck . . . up . . . here . . .
[Crow trails off and the bots turn to look in the direction that
Mike exited.]
Tom: [Hesitantly] Why was Mike ...?
Crow: [Hesitantly] And why was he...?
Bots: Uh-oh.
[The bots rush over to the right hand side of the screen, with
Cambot panning to follow them. Mike busily adjusts controls
on the time machine.]
Crow: Say, Mike? What are you planning to do with that time
machine?
Mike: Oh, I'm going to go back in time to see Stephen Ratliff.
Crow: Oh. See, Tom? Nothing to worry...
[Crow pauses and turns slowly back towards Mike.]
Crow: Mikey? Is there a reason why you're planning to see
Stevie?
Tom: Aside from general principles, of course.
Mike: Simple. Time Speeder. I now know that Time Speeder
is the root cause of all problems in the world. And I'm
going to stop it.
Crow: All problems?
Mike: Sure. What's the worst story the mads ever sent to us?
Time Speeder. What story do they hope to surpass in sheer
lousiness every time they send us something? Time Speeder.
What story is etched into my nightmares? Time Speeder.
Why didn't the Packers win their last Superbowl?
Time Speeder! And it's time the terror ends.
Tom: Uh-huh. Why don't you lie down, Mike?
[The time machine whirls to life.]
Mike: There's no time for that! I need to say 'hi'
to Stevie!
[Mike leaps into the machine.]
Crow: We'd better follow him.
Tom: Why? I'm not a big fan of Ratliff myself.
Crow: Tom, Mike's loose in the past. *Mike*. We'll be lucky
if he only ends up causing the collapse of civilization!
Tom: Good point.
[Tom and Crow leap into the machine. Cambot follows
the duo and heads into the temporal maelstrom,
allowing us to see one heck of a special effect
as he travels in time.]
[Radford University, Late 1994]
[A dorm hallway. Far ahead of the camera view, we see Mike.
Tom and Crow are jogging, trying to catch up. Cambot lags
behind.]
Tom: Mike! Wait up!
Crow: You're not really going to kill him, are you?
Mike: Kill him? No, that would be rude.
Tom: You're not going to try and steal his mojo either?
Mike: No. That's been done. I'm just going to keep him away
from writing. Say, do you think he'd like a date with Rebecca
Romijn? She and I are really close.
Tom: Sure you are, Mike.
[Mike stops in front of a door.]
Mike: Well, here we are.
[Mike knocks on the door and waits. After a few moments, a
bespectacled young man steps to the door.]
Stephen: Yes? Can I help you?
Mike: Stephen Ratliff?
Stephen: Yes. Do I know you? Say, are those robots?
Mike: Never mind them. Stephen, right now you're considering
writing a story about a plucky little girl who becomes a
starship captain. Don't write it. Down that way lies only
madness. Do you understand?
Stephen: Well, no...
Mike: And whatever you do, do not write a story where she heads
back in time to stop some bad guys from destroying Starfleet!
Am I clear?
Stephen: Not really...
Mike: Good. I'm glad we understand each other.
[Mike exits. The bots and Stephen stare at each other for a second.]
Crow: So, what's on TV?
Stephen: I'm watching DS9.
Tom: Do you have anything to drink?
Mike: [O.S.] Guys! Get over here!
Crow: Well, see you.
[Tom and Crow quickly exit. Cambot waits behind.]
Stephen: It was nice meeting you! [mumbling] Hmm. A time traveling
human with robot friends. That could work...
[Stephen nods slowly, and shuts the door behind him. Cambot pans away
from the door. The really neat time travel effect runs again.]
[SoL]
[The Bridge]
[Mike seems abnormally pleased with himself.]
Mike: Well, that's it. No more Time Speeder. Say, maybe I can head
back in time and head off that "Eye of Argon" guy, too...
Crow: Mike, I've got a really bad feeling about this...
Tom: Yeah, this went off far too easily.
Mike: Nonsense. Stephen saw the rightness of my words, and followed
my advice. Now, who's up for some Jiffy Pop?
[The mads light has begun to flash.]
Mike: Well, let's see what Pearl has in store for us now that she
can't send us any more Marrissa stories.
[Mike taps the flashing light.]
[Deep 13]
[Dr. Forrester, dressed in his standard lime green lab coat stands
mid screen. TV's Frank, dressed as a cowboy, stand behind him,
twirling a pair of six-shooters.]
Dr. F: Howdy, my little Rocky Mountain hamsters!
[SoL]
[Stunned silence from the crew.]
Tom: Doctor Forrester?
Mike: Is that really you?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: No, Mike. I'm one of the throngs of Clayton Forrester
impersonators roaming the country these days. Of course
it's me!
Frank: Steve? Is it time for the hoedown yet?
Dr. F: Not yet, Frank.
[SoL]
Tom: But, but... the starbaby...
Mike: The Edge of the Universe...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Look, Mike. I don't have time for your little games tonight.
Frank and I are heading out for a prairie dog hunt
thanks to my cousin, Bill.
Frank: I get to be the varmint wrangler!
Dr. F: So, we're just going to cut to the chase. We've got a new
story from one of your favorite authors...
[SoL]
Mike: Let me guess: Dave Gonterman? Ludwig Plutonium?
Brannon Braga? Jan Michael Vincent?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: None of those, boobie! It's your all-time number one
favorite source of pain - Stephen Ratliff!
[SoL]
Mike: WHAT?!
Crow: [snicker] Way to convince him, Mike.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Stephen Ratliff. You know, the author of those *wonderful*
stories about Slap Ripclaw...
[SoL]
Mike: Um, who?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Oh, I see. You're going to do the "Mike can't remember
who Ratliff is" schtick again.
Frank: Gee Mike, you tried this in "Across the Anihc Frontier" too.
Dr. F: Still, if it makes you happy, I'll play along. Slap Ripclaw,
hero of Stephen's little 'Time Corp' series.
Frank: Slap Ripclaw; long lost heir to the Czar's crown?
Dr. F: Brave leader of the Minosian regency?
Frank: Destroyer of the evil Cketra horde?
Dr. F: [heroic voice] Slap Ripclaw, of the Time Corp, journeying
from time to time, preventing wrongs and setting things
right.
Frank: Slap, who, along with his robot companions, Stubby and
Pete Pinbeak, are the only force keeping Earth from complete
anarchy.
[SoL]
[The bots stare at Mike, who has his head buried in his hands.]
Tom: Gee Mike, this sounds awfully familiar.
Crow: Yeah, I wonder where Stephen got the idea?
Mike: No, no, no. This can't be happening...
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Unfortunately, this isn't one of his 'Time Corp' series.
Frank: It's a another one of those Star Trek stories that he wrote
for a while then ditched for the Time Corp stuff.
[SoL]
Mike: [head still in hands] Let me guess, it's called Time Speeder?
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Time Speeder?
Frank: Boy, there's a stupid name.
Dr. F: No, this one's called "Athena Prospects." It's about a trip to
Mars. I think. Enjoy the pain, Mike.
Frank: Shouldn't we be a moseying along?
Dr. F: Frank, there's been a slight change of plans. Would you
mind opening that box?
Frank: Sure thing!
[Frank opens the box and pulls out a large, furry costume.]
Dr. F: It seems that the environmentalists are complaining about
shooting those cute, defenseless vermin, so we've had to go
with an alternative plan.
Frank: Well, am I still invited?
Dr. F: Just put on the suit, Frank. You'll be the guest of honor.
Frank: Ohboyohboyohboy... [scampers off to get dressed]
Dr. F: [shakes his head] Sometimes, it's so easy, I almost
feel guilty. But only "almost".
[SoL]
[The Ratliff sign flashes merrily. Meanwhile, the bots glare
at Mike.]
Crow: Boy, it's a good thing there won't be any more Ratliff
stories, huh, Mike?
Tom: Yep. It'd be a real tragedy if we had to read one of
those again.
Mike: Would a pack of E.L. Fudge quiet you two down?
Crow: No.
Tom: Hit the sign, Mike.
[Mike sighs and hits the light. The door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4. . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the bots enter and slowly walk to heir seats.]
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Mike: Buckle in, guys. Here we go again.
Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a sing-
Mike: You've been doing that schtick for a while now.
Crow: If it works, stick with it.
>Subject: NEW Athena Prospects 00/11 (Marrissa Stories #10)
Crow: Come visit Athena Prospects- 2, 3, and 4 bedroom
townhouses now available.
>Date: 04 Feb 1999 00:00:00 GMT
>Message-ID: <79cnfp$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
>Organization: Radford University
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
Mike: The fanfic formerly known as Time Speeder.
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
Crow: Shall we?
Mike: Why not?
Tom: I'm not gonna scream this time.
Mike: Why?
Tom: Ahh, I already screamed back when it was "Time Speeder".
Besides, I've still got a touch of bronchitis.
Mike: Oh. Well, can we go ahead?
Tom: Be my guest.
Mike: Thanks.
Mike & Crow: AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
Tom: Whew, no skinny dipping scene!
>Codes: n/a
Mike: Oh, no, not one of those annoying Neelix/Alexander slash
stories.
>Parts: NEW 1/1
>
Crow: Scratch that, I think we've got Bynar slash here.
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa
Mike: At a cinema near you.
> leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Tom: They kidnapped the CEO of some cable TV channel in 1999 and
made him watch bad movies until he caved in and signed a
contract to extend a silly TV show he had planned to cancel.
> With the help of the Clintons,
Crow: Horndog, Harridan, and How'd-I-Get-Stuck-With-Parents-Like-
These.
>Marrissa, Wesley,
Mike: The Teletubbies, Scooby-Doo, and Roger Ramjet,
> and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>Author's Forward.
>
Tom: Writing's backward.
Mike: Be nice.
> This was Time Speeder.
Mike: It...it's over already? I can't believe it! This
was the shortest Ratliff that I've--
> It's change a lot.
Mike: Oh. Shoot.
> Back when I
>released Time Speeder, I was over confident.
Mike: Your over-confidence is your weakness!
Tom: Your faith in your friends is yours!
> Only once I had
>released it did I realize what a mess that story was.
[All gasp]
Tom: Is - is Stephen becoming self-aware?
Crow: Stranger things have happened.
Tom: Name one!
> Revising a
>story isn't easy, especially when sequels are already out.
Crow: [Ratliff] It's hard 'fessing up to bonehead mistakes while
making sure my rewrites don't violate the nutty historical
continuity I've created.
>Certain events have to happen.
Tom: Ratliff releases a story. It gets laughed at. Sure as
sunrise.
> The basic plot has to stay
>(although it can mutate in strange and annoying ways.)
Mike: A strange and annoying mutation?
Tom: You know: Like when you grow a second head, and it has Fran
Drescher's voice.
Mike: Ah.
> In the
>case of this story, I was revising it while those other stories
>were being written, so a lot of the changes were revealed first
>in those stories.
Tom: So the backstory was actually released in sequels that
were released before this?
> (Much to the confusion of many of my readers)
>That may have been a mistake.
[The lights in the theater dim, and an image of a stained
glass window appears on the screen. A light illuminates
the trio from underneath.]
Mike: This has been a moment of clarity.
[The lights and screen return to normal.]
> In any case, a lot has changed. Gone are Senators Robb and
>Warner (although they did get a mention)
Mike: Marrissa said, "Hi, Senators Robb and Warner!"
> Gone is the
>Congressional Plot.
Crow: Along with approximately 7000 would-be Republican Speakers.
> In its place is a new one, one with more
>action,
Crow: Well, G-rated action. So instead of phasering the bad guys,
they just shove them in a pool in evening wear.
> a more southerly setting,
Mike: The U.S. Capitol has been relocated to Cabo San Lucas for the
duration of the Clinton Presidency.
Tom: Plus, Marrissa will be right at home with dem Duke boys.
> and one that I think fits the
>characters better.
Tom: In addition, four minutes of lost footage have been restored
to bring it closer to the director's original vision. The
Ten Forward scene now includes dozens of digitally-added
aliens, as opposed to the original, which contained one old
guy in a parka. The appearance by Elric the Technomage in
the last scene is now supported by earlier plot material, and
all accidental references to Wesley as "ratface" have been
deleted.
> What's up next for the Marrissa Stories?
Mike: I bet it's wacky hijinks with the zany starship crew next
door.
Crow: Nah, it'll be a slam-bang, thrill-a-minute, adrenaline-
charged race against time.
Tom: I think it'll be a critically-acclaimed tour-de-force with
Marrissa staging a triumphant one-woman performance of
"Victoria Regina".
> Well, I'm
>currently working on a story set after the Last Romulan War,
Tom: In which, I guess, Marrissa must have exterminated the
Romulans.
>among many others.
Mike: Stephen "Spielberg" Ratliff presents: "Saving Ensign
Throwaway".
> I'm also looking for a job, so Marrissa
>Stories may come a lot slower from now on.
Mike: [Stephen] By the way, will the people at Voyager *please*
stop calling me? I'm not interested.
> In any case, please enjoy the latest installment of the
>Marrissa Stories, Athena Prospects.
>
Crow: Oh, we will! [cackles insanely]
>Stephen Ratliff
>Roanoke, VA
Mike: He's already found a job with the Veterans' Administration.
Tom: That was quick.
>December 23, 1998
Tom: A date which will live - in inf-
Mike: Too obvious.
>
>Historian's Note:
Crow: Pick up loaf of bread, gallon of milk, light bulbs, and a few
16th century relics on the way home.
>
>This story occurs after A Royal Mess and Home for Christmas. It
>occurs before First Contact.
Mike: Which means the line must be drawn HEEYAH!!!!
> Premier Maquis follows it.
Mike: Marquis!
Tom: Maqui!
Crow: Marqui!
Mike: Marqui Mark!
[All shudder.]
>
>The following Stories will be reposted in the next week or so
>since they proceed "Athena Prospects"
>
Crow: Oh, no - no - he wouldn't!
Mike: He couldn't!
Tom: He can't!
>00 The Field Trip
All: AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!! HE IS!!!!
>01 Enterprized
Crow: What sin could a bot commit in a single lifetime?
Mike: Stop that!
>02 Battle For Bajor
Mike: Now available on Playstation and N64!
>03 All the King's Horses
Tom: And once again the specter of horse racing rears
its ugly head!
>04 Cadet Cruise
Mike: Now standard on all 2379 model starships.
>05 Who Q? Where Q?
Tom: Why us?
>06a Away From Home: The Away Mission
Crow: 6*a*?!? Ratliff's splitting 2-for-1.
Mike: He gets a good return ratio on all that evil.
>06b Away From Home: Chasing Marrissa
Tom: Starring Joey Lauren Adams as Marrissa.
Crow: Ben Affleck as Jay Alan Gordon.
Tom: And special guest appearance by Patterson Supra
as "Banky".
Mike: Uh, guys, do we really want to go that route?
[pause]
Crow: I see your point.
>07 The Captain and the Doctor
Crow: That one was almost OK.
Tom: Relatively speaking.
Crow: Well, sure.
>08 A Royal Mess
Mike: The understatement of the year.
>09 Home For Christmas
Tom: [crooning] Yo-o-o-ou can count on me-e-e-e.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/
>
>"My people have a reputation for arrogance. I'm afraid it's well
>earned."
Tom: Hey, what's a George Lucas quote doing in a Trek fic?
> -- Kretek, Romulan Liaison Officer, "Image in the Sand"
Mike: o/~ Circles in the sand, round and round. o/~
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Subject: NEW Athena Prospects 01/11 (Marrissa Stories #10)
Tom: Collect the entire painful series!
>Date: 04 Feb 1999 00:00:00 GMT
>Message-ID: <79cnha$j...@newslink.runet.edu>
>Organization: Radford University
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
Crow: Thar's gold in them thar ancient Greek deities!
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
Mike: Mike Medved will approve of this one then.
>Codes: n/a
Crow: That's what I said- "na!"
>Parts: NEW 1/11
>
>
>101374
Tom: [narrator] The early days of the Ford Administration
were marked with strife and uncertainty...
>Prologue
>
> Lyam Sympton looked normal.
Crow: But in fact, he was from the Kingdom of the Isles.
> You would have never guessed
>that those brown eyes and brown hair covered a obsessed man.
Tom: [gasp] He's an an eye creature!
Crow: And a whirrwulf!
>Most people believed that Star Fleet was an organization devoted
>to
Crow: Getting Neilsen Ratings for UPN?
> Science and Exploration,
Mike: But it's actually an organization devoted to partying like
frat boys.
> which also protected the Federation's
>borders.
Tom: [John Cleese] Others, however, believed it was a ladies'
sewing club in Sussex.
> Lyam believed that it was a military organization
Mike: [in tones of deep sarcasm] Noooooooooooo!
> just
>waiting for an opening to take over the Federation.
Crow: He also believed that he was Kaiser Wilhelm, and someday
soon, he and his followers would be guided back to Earth
with the help of codes on the back of space stop signs.
That is, if those pesky unmarked black runabouts didn't
get to them first.
> He was
>willing to die for his convictions, and he wasn't the only one.
Mike: Lots of other people wanted him to die for his convictions
too.
>So were his fellow members of Exploration Not Exploitation or
>ENE, as the press referred to them.
Crow: Well, when they weren't calling them "those goobers who
couldn't find reality even if someone handed them a map."
> However times being what they where,
Tom: *sigh* Where times? There times. There pips. There wolf.
Crow: We now have Ratliff confirmation.
> he did not need to die.
Tom: [Announcer voice] Yes, thanks to modern medicine and the
wonders of corporate genetics research, he doesn't need to
die. This message brought to you by the Big Pharmaceutical
Companies Lobby.
>He had a plan instead.
Mike: And he had a canal too.
> In order to carry out that plan however
>he needed a constitution class starship.
Tom: Luckily, the Federation world of Aissur had just gone
bankrupt.
> This was not an easy
>item to find but if you looked hard enough one could be bought or
>'borrowed'.
Crow: [teen] Dad? Can I, like, borrow the USS Hood tonight?
Mike: [basso] Okay, son, but no fooling around with the time stream.
And this time, you'd bring it back without a scratch! Last
time, you left Romulan phaser marks all over it!
> As for why he wanted one, that was simple, perhaps too
>simple.
Tom: He wanted to put $3,000,000 on the ship, and then crash
it onto a planet so that Billy Bob Thornton and Bill
Paxton could find it.
> Seeking more information to further his theory on Star
>Fleet a friend of his had tapped into Star Fleet's mission log
>recorders; in particular, those of the original Enterprise.
Crow: There they found Captain Kirk's personal copy of "How To Pick
Up Green-Skinned Alien Chicks - Every Time".
> Lyam
>had laughed at the irony that Star Fleet would provide it's own
>undoing.
Mike: It was like rain on your wedding day?
Tom: Or was it like a free ride when you've already paid?
Crow: It's probably like the good advice that you just can't take.
Mike: I guess life just has a funny way of working things out.
>
> Marrissa Amber Picard,
Crow: Again?
Mike: Sure.
Crow & Mike: AAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEE!
Tom: Guys? Please refrain.
> Chief of Security, USS Enterprise,
Crow: Queen Bee of the Galaxy...
Tom: Slaughterer of Defenseless Alien Races...
Crow: Terror of the adult world...
Tom: Evil witch in league with the devil...
>was lounging on her bed, with a pillow propped under her breast
[All shudder]
Mike: Again with the breasts!
>and a PADD in her right hand.
Crow: Was it the kind with the wings?
> Her left hand was twirling her
>long blond hair while she read the latest issue of Star Fleet's
>Starship Captain's Adventures.
Tom: [Marrissa] Let's see: "My Desperate Hours - Trapped in a
Turbolift with a Bunch of Whiny, Annoying Kids" by Jean-Luc
Pi- HEY!!!
> She was smiling at Captain James T
>Kirk's Corbinite Maneuver.
Mike: [Kirk] I hate it when they reduce all the hard work I did
for the Federation into a comic book for kiddies.
Crow: I wonder if she's read the one where Melvin Belli has a
bunch of kids take over the Enterprise.
> "Incoming call for Lieutenant Marrissa
>Picard from the USS Miranda," the Computer announced.
Tom: The tyrant isn't in right now, so if you want an arbitrary
exercise of authority, please press 1. For unbelievable plot
devices, press 2. For silly cardboard characters, press 3.
Press 4 for a dose of Ratliff gas.
> Marrissa jumped off the bed,
Tom: Landing on the sharp spikes carefully placed there by the
cleaning staff.
> pushed her hair back behind her
>shoulders and faced her view screen. "On Screen," She ordered.
Mike: Uh-oh. The only other person who always gets His pronouns
capitalized is God. This bodes ill.
> A
>red haired vulcan appeared.
Tom: Hey, Agent T'Scully!
> "Lieutenant Marrissa Picard I presume?"
Mike: Nope, just Doctor Livingstone.
> Marrissa nodded.
>"I'm Captain T'Gwen Washington.
Crow: [T'Gwen] Before you ask, yes, it is a wig.
> I've accepted your application
>as Fighter Commander on the Stargazer.
Mike: [T'Gwen] With you around, I'm guessing my ship can never
be destroyed!
> You'll also be serving as
>its second officer."
Mike: [T'Gwen] Of course, we expect you to be commanding the ship
before the end of the week, so please pack accordingly.
> "Thank you sir," Marrissa responded. "I assume that my
>father has indicated that he will let me go?"
Tom: [Marrissa] It's starting to hurt a little.
> "He has."
Crow: [T'Gwen] Well, he didn't really *say* anything, but his
ashes kind of shifted a little in their urn.
> "Then when and where should I report aboard?" Marrissa
>asked.
Tom: [T'Gwen] Go to the Romulan Neutral Zone, and we'll be along
to pick up you up. Eventually. Really!
> "The Stargazer will be rendezvousing with the Enterprise in
>two days," Captain Washington responded. "Admiral Scott will
>yield command you then.
Mike: Admiral Scott will command her?
Tom: I don't like where this is going...
Crow: [T'Gwen] He'll also turn over the ship's prepositions at
that time.
> You will meet up with me and our
>Cardassian First Officer at Deep Space Nine."
Crow: [bosun's whistle] Gratuitous crossover ahoy!
Tom: [T'Gwen] Incidentally, I'd like you to have a friendly
chat with Sisko. No, this has nothing to do with that
argument he and I have about baseball.
> "Aye sir," Marrissa responded. "It will be a pleasure
>serving with you."
Tom: [T'Gwen] I could say the same, but Vulcans cannot lie.
> "Oh and one more thing," Captain Washington said.
Mike: [T'Gwen] Have you ever considered the advantages of owning
a really fine set of encyclopedias?
> "Since
>you'll be serving as Second Officer, I'm promoting you to
>Lieutenant Commander, effective immediately."
Mike: [T'Gwen] Ah, to heck with it. Let's cut to the chase.
I'm promoting you to Federation President.
Crow: And T'Gwen becomes the latest in a long string of
Starfleet adults to fall prey to Marrissa's insidious
mind control.
> "Thank you sir."
> "You're welcome, Miranda out."
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/
>
Tom: Isn't there some sort of rule about sig file lengths?
Mike: Hey, be glad he's not still using those ASCII graphics!
>"My people have a reputation for arrogance. I'm afraid it's well
>earned." -- Kretek, Romulan Liaison Officer, "Image in the Sand"
>
Crow: Glenn Close *is* Kretek in "Dangerous Romulan Liaisons"!
>
>NEW TNG Athena Prospects 02/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>Author: Stephen Ratliff <srat...@runet.edu>
>Date: 1999/02/11
>Forum: alt.startrek.creative
>Posted on: 1999/02/11
>Message-ID: <79uuof$o...@newslink.runet.edu>
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
Tom: Hey, since "Phantom Menace" just came out, does that
mean there's gonna be an "alt.starwars.creative" soon?
[pause]
Mike: I wish you'd stop having thoughts like that.
>Organization: Radford University
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
Mike: No, GTE.
>Codes: n/a
Crow: Code n? Code a? What secret mystery is there in this?
>Parts: NEW 02/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Crow: Sadly, though, Jerry Springer still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
Tom: "Help from the Clintons" - there's an oxymoron if ever I've
seen one!
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>101374
Mike: The grams of chocolate Counselor Troi consumes in one
sitting.
>Chapter One
>
All: Audience Zero.
Mike: The old ones are the best.
> Marrissa rushed out of her room to find someone to tell her
>good news to.
Tom: She was gratified to see that all of them agreed that it
was the best news ever in the history of the universe.
> Out in the living room, Rear Admiral Jean-Luc
>Picard
Mike: I've really got to question the thinking behind the
creation of that rank title.
> was lifting his sleeping twenty month old daughter
>Jacqueline off the couch.
Crow: [Picard] Off! I said, stay off the couch! Bad baby!
Bad!
> Seeing the onrushing Marrissa,
Tom: He screamed hysterically and ran out of the room.
> he put
>his finger to his mouth and said,
Mike: [Picard] QUIET, YOU STUPID TROLLOP! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE'S
SLEEPING!!?
> "Shhhh."
Crow: [Dr. Evil] I've got a whole bag of "shh" here with your name
on it...
Tom: There *is* a resemblance.
> "Sorry," Marrissa whispered. "I just learnt that I got the
>post on the Stargazer."
Mike: [Picard] Yep. I already packed your bags. Here's your hat,
here's your coat, write soon, buhbye.
> "I know," her adoptive father replied. As he gently laid
>Jackie up against himself and began to carry the little girl to
>her room. "I had to approve your transfer, remember."
Mike: [Picard] I thought I'd *never* find a captain green enough
to scam you off on!
> "I never thought I'd get it."
[All laugh merrily.]
> Marrissa gushed.
Tom: Marrissa, Royal Geyser of Essex.
> "I've got to
>tell Clara."
Crow: [Marrissa] Yep, time to lord it over the less fortunate...
>
> Clarrissa Ann Sutter was looking over the latest in warp
>drive design in her Popular Engineering Magazine.
Crow: Why not emphasize her general geekiness more? Give her
thick glasses, why don't you?
Mike: Poor Clara. Destined to forever be second banana to
Marrissa, to forever have her geekiness rubbed in so
we'll forget how much smarter than Marrissa she is...
Tom: Clara, we sympathize!
Mike: Crow, write Clara into your next cross-over!
[Pause]
Mike: I do *NOT* believe I just said that.
> The Alpha
>Shift Warp Drive Systems Supervisor's desk was full of such
>publications,
Crow: Which Clara stole on a regular basis.
> mingled among her Science, Social Studies, and
Tom: ...warp-capable My Little Pony doll.
>Klingon Homework.
Tom: Excuse me? KLINGON homework?
Crow: You know how she is. NO mistakes when she finally gets
Alexander!
> On the bed behind her was her Princess gown,
Tom: And I thought they just made phones.
>thrown there after the thirteen-year-old had gotten out of the
>diplomatic reception early that morning.
Mike: It showed a bit of wear after all night partying, though.
Tom: Clarrissa Ann Sutter - engineering genius, diplomatic
extraordinaire, and president of the Glee Club.
> Her silver taira
Tom: Taira?
Mike: Just when you though it was safe to come out...
Crow: Clarrissa, Queen of the Desert.
> still
>adorned her long black hair.
Crow: And that's *all* that adorned her! Woo! Woo!
Mike: Crow, you're "woo"-ing over a 13-year old!
Crow: I am? Geez! I might be suffering from Ratliff over-exposure.
> The door chimed. "Enter."
Crow: [Marrissa] Hey, you've got a talking door now! Give it
to me!
> Marrissa entered, her new Lieutenant Commander's pip now
>fastened neatly to her collar.
Tom: Just out of regulations, of course. Not to show off, or
anything.
> "Clara, I just got some good
>news."
Tom: [Clara] The swelling's gone down? Happy news indeed, my liege!
> "Star Fleet just approved a warp system control capacitor
>upgrade," Clara said.
Mike: [Marrissa] Yes! Isn't it just the grandest thing?!?
> "How would I hear about that?" Marrissa questioned.
Crow: [Clara] Your vast network of spies and informants.
How else?
> Then
>she noticed the periodical Clara had been reading. "Popular
>Engineering? Interesting reading."
Mike: [Marrissa] *I* read "Unpopular Engineering." I like the
agonizer blueprints.
> "I bet you were reading that Captain's Adventure trash,"
>Clara responded.
Crow: [Marrissa] Hey! It's the swimsuit issue! I have to know
what the latest fashions are! Besides, that Captain Pike
is dreamy...
> "Lieutenant, don't trash my reading," Marrissa responded
>smiling at the usual response.
Mike: Marrissa, laughing at your own jokes once is OK. Laughing
at a joke you apparently make every time is absolutely in
character.
> "At least my reading helps me do my job," Clara responded
>looking up at Marrissa.
Crow: That's right; everything you do must serve to make a better
cog in the machine that is Starfleet.
> Her eyes fastened to the three pips on
>her friend's collar.
Tom: I could never be friends with someone who removed my
eyes.
> "Commander?"
Tom: Commander? I hardly even know her! BWAHAHAHAHAH!!!
Crow: Ugh!
Mike: Never, never again.
> "I told you I had good news," Marrissa responded.
Mike: [Marrissa] You will bow before me immediately, knave!
Insult my reading, will you?
> "I got
>the position on the Stargazer."
Crow: [Clara)] Hey, that's the one assigned to the suicide mission,
right? Oops, forget I spoke.
> "Fighter Commander?" Clara stated.
Crow: "That's right." she asked.
Mike: Next promotion she gets to command the pilots, too.
> "Yeah and Second Officer as well," Marrissa added. "I never
>thought I'd get either position.
Tom: [Marrissa] I thought they'd make me Captain and First
Officer, but I guess I'll have to wait another month.
> I'm only just turned fifteen.
Mike: That's it, Stephen - keep casually throwing the
implausibility of it all in the reader's face.
>I just applied because I wanted to get out from under my father's
>command."
Tom: [Marrissa] It's high time I got a place of my own. Of
course, he'll still have to give me rides and stuff.
> "You're leaving the Enterprise," Clara remarked, her eyes
>dropping and her shoulders slumping.
Crow: Geez, she's melting into the deck!
Mike: That or her leprosy just came out of remission!
> "Great, that means I've got
>the Kid's Crew Captain's job.
Crow: [Clara] Now *I'LL* be the one they all spit on.
> One more duty into my already
>packed day."
Mike: She may have to give up the presidency of the N'Sync fan
club.
> "You can give it to Shayna," Marrissa responded, gently
>prodding her young friend.
Tom: Yeah. She'll command *anything*!
> "Marrissa, you remember the last time we put Shayna in
>command of a scenario?" Clara exclaimed, her hands thrusting out
>in a gesture of frustration.
Mike: [Clara] I mean, she'll probably let *boys* on the bridge or
something.
> "You mean the Khitomer Scenario, in which she lasted almost
>the full ten minutes necessary," Marrissa responded.
Tom: Sure, the ambassador dropped dead after five, and all the
crew after nine, but *Shayna* almost made the full ten.
Crow: The "hide under the desk until the bad guys go away"
technique soon became standard for all Kids Crews.
Mike: Heck, Picard used that one for years.
> "So she's
>no James T. Kirk."
Mike: Well, give her time - eventually, she'll get fat, start
overacting and have to wear a rug, too.
Crow: On the plus side, she does look better in one of those
Triskelion gladiator outfits than Kirk did.
> "You know she'll be my number one," Clara remarked.
Tom: That's because the tide is high and she's holding on.
> "Do you
>really want her to have a chance to command this ship?"
Tom: [Clara] I mean SURE the whole adult command crew plus me
would have to be incapacitated, but that's fairly likely
you know.
> "She's not that bad," Marrissa dead panned.
Mike: Just like Leslie Neilsen.
> "You need your memory refreshed," Clara said. "Remember
>when we let her take command during a simulation of the Battle of
>Tarkcommon III?
Tom: [Falsetto] Nothing but a common tark!
> She had the ship turn and run."
Mike: [Marrissa] So? My dad does the same thing. Remember last
week when we ran away from that ferocious space debris?
> "She was out numbered three to one," Marrissa said. "It was
>good tactical sense."
Crow: Stephen! Stop having Marrissa talk sense!
> "And what do you do in that situation?" Clara inquired.
Tom: [Marrissa] Oh, Ratliff usually has two of the enemy ships
collide and then the commander of the third will trip over
his shoelaces into the navigation panel causing it to spin
out of control into a nearby asteroid. I'm telling you,
it's so much fun being me!
> "I plot a firing course past the enemies and into the star's
>corona," Marrissa said. "Then I exit it tractoring a portion
>behind me.
Crow: She tractors part of the star's corona behind her to take
out ships?
Mike: That's a STRONG beer!
> That usually takes out one or two making the odds
>much better."
Tom: [Marrissa] And what's more, no matter how many times we
pull this lame maneuver, they *never* see it coming.
Mike: So they just stand stock still and let her drag sizzling
plasma across their flight paths.
Crow: Well, they'd better! Otherwise, she'll be very cross indeed!
> "You tip the odds," Clara said. "I do that. Jay does that.
>Shayna runs home to mommy."
Tom: Yeah, how dare she escape from overwhelming odds and let
her crew survive and stuff? The *nerve*!
> "Her ship survives every time," Marrissa said. "The same
>can not be said for us."
>
Tom: Oh, sure. Like Stephen's going to kill you off.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble
>Awards?
[Silence]
Tom: Were we supposed to?
Crow: Did we miss a memo?
Mike: Lemme look - [paper shuffling noises] no, I don't - Wait,
here it is... [pulls out a piece of paper] Damn! We *were*
supposed to!
>
>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
Mike: Well, I guess we better go there and vote.
Tom: We might as well. We need a breather anyway.
[The trio stands and quickly exits the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Gypsy is putting the finishing touches on some sort of
contraption. Mike watches Gypsy finish her work. Nearby,
a computer sits on the console.]
Gypsy: Here you go, guys. One gen-u-ine temporal stability
field, to keep pesky changes in the timeline from affecting
you while you're on the bridge and in the theater. I'm not
sure why you suddenly need one of these, but you're the
bosses.
Mike: Thanks, Gypsy.
Gypsy: Whatever.
[Gypsy exits. As she exits, peppy music begins to swell on
the Bridge. Tom and Crow, dressed in tuxedoes and top hats,
dance into view.]
Crow: o/~ It's the first annual ASCA Tribble Awards! o/~
Tom: o/~ They'll be swell! They'll be great!
Gonna see Neelix's head on a plate! o/~
Mike: Guys? We're a bit pressed for time. Can you skip the
song?
Tom: Fine. Make me skip my Gershwin medley.
Crow: Tom, the URL, please?
[Tom produces an engraved invitation.]
Tom: Right here! In embossed filigree font too! Mike?
If you'll do the honors?
[Mike walks over to the computer. The bots follow. Typing
SFX can be heard.]
Mike: Okay, there you go. The rest of this should be point
and click. Now, if you'll excuse me...
Crow: Where're you going?
Mike: I'm going to try and fix the time line. Be back soon.
[Exit Mike.]
Tom: Shouldn't we stop him?
Crow: Nah. We've got the Tribble Awards to deal with.
[A loud hum can be heard off stage.]
Tom: Good point. Okay, let's see what we've got. Pick
a series.
Crow: Next Gen?
Tom: Sure. [Click] General, Crossover, Romance, Drama,
Hu...
Crow: General.
Tom: Got it. [click] Hey! I don't recognize any of these!
Crow: That's a good sign. No theater victims.
Tom: Yep. First nominee, "Where no one has gone before."
Picard and the crew encounter an unknown alien race,
out to control the galaxy. That doesn't sound too bad.
Crow: Next up. "First Contact" Picard and the crew encounter
an unknown alien race, out to control the galaxy.
Tom: Hmm. Third entry. "The Space Bugs from Arcturus Prime."
Picard and the crew encounter... Okay, I think we get
the gist of this one.
Crow: Fourth, "Picard and Crusher Get it on."
Tom: Let's skip...
Crow: Picard and the crew encounter an unknown alien race, out
to control the galaxy. Then Picard and Crusher get it on.
Tom: "First Contact Redux." Picard and... Sigh. Let's skip
ahead to the DS9 nominees...
Crow: Let's go with the bugs. [click] Huh? File not found?
Hey? Why are there five different stories in there now?
Tom: We must have loaded the wrong year's nominees. Let's
vote for that one. [click]
Crow: 404 again. Hey! Wait a minute! I know for a fact that
James Carville doesn't write fanfic!
Tom: Mike's plan for fixing the timeline must not be doing well.
Crow: Sigh. I'll go get him.
[Crow exits.]
Tom: Hey! Now Tom Hanks is writing C/T slash!
Crow: [O.S.] Download that one!
[Another loud hum is heard offstage. Tom continues to watch the
screen.]
Tom: Let's see what's in crossovers... [click] "Treklander XXV",
"Jane Austen's Enterprise", "A Voyager/Deliverance
crossover", "The Powerpuff Borg" and "James T. Kirk:
International Man of Mystery". Gee, these seem almost
normal...
[The mads light begins to flash. Tom hits it without thinking.]
Tom: Yeah?
[The scene shifts to the old KTMA set. Dr. Ernhardt and Dr.
Forrester, sans mustache and lab coat, stand before a wall of
television monitors.]
Dr. F: Evening, Tom. How goes the story? And what's with the
penguin suit?
[SoL]
Tom: Doctor Forrester? Larry? What... [mumbling] Blast you,
Mike. [Normal] Oh, we're doing fine. Mike just went
for a walk though...
[A loud hum can once again be heard.]
Tom: ...and here he comes now!
Mike: [O.S.] I could have sworn that Ratliff was driving that
white Bronco!
Crow: [O.S.] Mike, it was one of the biggest stories of the
decade! How could you mess up like that?
[Mike and Crow enter and glance at the screen. Crow shrieks
at what he sees.]
Crow: AHHH! Oh, hi Dr. F! Dr. E! How are you today? I well
you are hope!
Mike: Crow? Tom? Who's that pudgy guy with the glasses?
Tom: Just ignore that! Mike's feeling a bit off today!
[The Ratliff sign begins to flash.]
Crow: Oh! Look at that! Gotta go!
Tom: Bless you, sweet sign of Ratliff!
Mike: What the heck is going on?
[Mike is ignored as Crow hits the flashing Ratliff sign.]
[KTMA]
Dr. F: Huh.
Dr. E: Boy, Mike is acting goofy today. And what did he do
to those poor bots' voices?
Dr. F: I think Mike was fiddling around again and altered
their voice modulators.
Dr. E: Well, he better change them back. I hate Tom Servo's
new voice.
[Back on the SoL, the door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Mike and the bots enter and sit down.]
Mike: No, really, who was that guy?
Crow: We'll explain later, Nelson.
Tom: Boy, I never realized how weird his voice sounded.
>From srat...@runet.edu Fri Feb 19 18:35:22 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 03/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 20 Feb 1999 01:35:22 GMT
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
Crow: At least it'll probably do as well at the box office as
"Babe in the City" did.
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 03/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer,
Crow: Picard throws a great big old bash to celebrate!
> a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Tom: Sadly, though, George Steinbrenner still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>101374
Mike: The apparent number of shuttlecraft on board Voyager.
>Chapter Two
>
Crow: The Wrath of Khan!
> Marrissa materialized in the Stargazer's transporter room.
>It appeared to be not quite complete.
Tom: In fact, you could see the camera crew through the gap
in one wall.
> None of the walls had
>panels covering their circuitry.
Mike: What an open invitation to electrocution.
Tom: Particularly since Starfleet STILL hasn't heard of fuses.
> Marrissa quickly spotted the
>navy panels stacked over in one corner.
Crow: And recorded her quick time for later comparison with Clara.
> Behind the console was a
>white haired man wearing an Engineer's work suit with
>Rear-Admiral's pips.
Tom: Next to his shoes was a nearly-empty bottle of Scotch.
> There was only one person that could be,
Mike: Carl "Oldy" Olson!
>"Admiral Scott?" Marrissa inquired. "Permission to come aboard?"
Tom: Shouldn't you have asked BEFORE you came on board?
> "Granted, lassie," Scotty replied.
Crow: [Scotty] I'm just emphasizing my Scottishness, lassie.
Tom: [Scotty] Why did I call you lassie? They told me that
this assignment would be a dog!
> "Or should I be calling
>yea Princess?"
Mike: [Scotty] Or should I be calling yea Supreme Mistress of the
Galaxy?
Tom: o/~ Heading out with Ratliff - ye-e-e-ea, Princess! o/~
> "Just Marrissa will be fine," Marrissa responded.
Tom: Welcome, Just Marrissa.
Mike: Hey, she's Just William.
Tom: Huh?
> "Welcome aboard your new ship, Marrissa," Scotty said.
Crow: [Marrissa] I KNEW they'd made me captain.
>"Computer Recognize Scott, Admiral Montgomery, and transfer
>command to Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Amber Picard, per Star
>Fleet orders."
Crow: [Scotty] And against mah better judgment!
> "Transfer complete, USS Stargazer is now under the command
>of Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard."
Tom: [Computer] This unit will now perform a complete main drive
reformat. I'm taking the easy way out!
> "I though as an Admiral, you would want to be in command,"
>Marrissa stated.
> "Marrissa, my lass, I never wanted command," Scotty said.
Tom: [Scotty] I took kickbacks from the lowest bidder for this
engineering contract, and I need a patsy to take the fall
for me. Uh, lassie. Aye, or something.
>"I just took the promotions so I could do my job better and with
>less interference from the desk jockeys at Star Fleet Command."
Mike: Because the higher the rank, the lower the profile.
Crow: [Scotty] Of course, there are those *pesky* responsibilities
of overseeing Cardassian intelligence, but if I spend enough
time reading technical manuals they just go away eventually.
> "Since our Chief Engineer has yet to be assigned, I assume
>you are filling that position?" Marrissa asked.
> "Aye."
Crow: [Scotty] An' ah've got ta have more time! She canna take
much morra this!
>
> Marrissa entered the suite of rooms dedicated for the use of
>the Second Officer. They were located next to the Ship's bar
>which was named Seven Slightly Starboard for it's location.
Mike: She stars in silly stories by Seven Slightly Starboard?
Crow: H--hey.....that was the infamous Ratliff humor, and I didn't
feel a thing. Weird.
Tom: Yeah, me neither. We must be building up a tolerance...
[pause] AHHHHHHH! MOTHER OF GOD!
> The
>first room she entered was an office. In contained a desk, a
>couple chairs and a sofa under the window.
Crow: The window?
Mike: What's the problem?
Crow: I can accept Marrissa as a Starship Captain. I can accept
her as a Princess. I can accept her as a diplomat. But
I refuse to believe that she has enough clout to rate a
window office!
> The desk was
>perpendicular to outside wall.
Mike: And with no introductions to do, Stephen falls back on the
old story device of pinpointing every stick of furniture
in the room.
> She hung the painting Data had
>given her behind the desk.
Tom: Oh, it's Major Winchester with his mouth open in mid-
complaint!
Mike: No, no - *Data*, not Colonel Potter!
> Across the room was the door to the
>rest of her quarters, next to the replicator. She walked though
>it
Tom: And became two Marrissas!
> to discover a well apportioned room with a table and three
>chairs, another sofa and a double bed.
Crow: YOU HAVE: bathrobe, a toothbrush, a thing your aunt gave you
which you don't know what it is, and no tea.
> The far wall sported
>another opening
Tom: This month's fashion accessory for walls- the opening!
> which lead to a bathroom with a real tub,
Mike: As opposed to the cardboard cut-out she'd had on the
Enterprise.
> perfect
>for Marrissa's bubble baths.
Tom: That must make a mess when the ship gets jostled.
Mike: Sounds like Marrissa lucked out and got the Princess Suite.
> As Marrissa exited the bathroom her door chimed. Walking
>back to her office, Marrissa said, "Come." A young woman entered
>tentatively. She was carrying the rest of Marrissa's belongings.
Crow: Well, touching Marrissa's stuff is a good reason to be
tentative, I guess.
> "The Quartermaster said you wanted this," she said,
Mike: [stands, arms upraised with fists clenched] I AM THE
QUARTERMASTER!!
Crow: Mike? Don't do that, please.
Mike: Um - sorry. [abashedly takes his seat]
>indicating the stuff she was carrying.
> "Just put it on my desk, Crewman ?"
Crow: Crewman ? and the Mysterians!
> Marrissa said indicating
>that she wanted to know the older woman's name.
Tom: ....with semaphore flags.
> "Peterson, Yeoman Diane Peterson," the crewman replied.
Crow: [Diane] Her Majesty's Secret Service.
>"The Quartermaster has assigned me to be your yeoman."
Crow: [Diane] Yo.
Tom: [Marrissa] Well, you've been well-trained.
> "Well then, Yeoman, get ready for a lot of work," Marrissa
>responded.
Crow: [Marrissa] MUAHAHAHAHAHA! I'll make your life a routine of
boring drudge work!
Tom: [Peterson] Please skip the inspirational stuff, sir.
> "I probably hold the most jobs of anyone on the ship."
Crow: [Diane] I'll say. Never heard of anyone volunteering for
Nausicaan Delouser before.
Tom: [Marrissa] In fact, I want your job, too! Give it to me!
> "I'll do my best sir," the Yeoman replied.
> "I have no doubt that you will," Marrissa said. "The
>question is, can we have fun doing it?"
Mike: [Marrissa] I mean can *I* have fun? That you won't is
already guaranteed.
> "Is that an order, sir?" the Yeoman said.
Crow: Yes! Have fun OR ELSE!
> "No, just a suggestion," Marissa said. "But I find it's one
>that makes the job easier."
>
Mike: Run, Diane! You don't want to know what Marrissa considers
fun!
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble
>Awards?
Tom: Well, we tried!
Crow: Yeah, but thanks to someone's temporal tampering, we
never got the chance!
>>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
Tom: Not that we're naming any names!
Mike: So you two were really hot and heavy to decide between
Danielle Steele's Janeway/Harry Kim romance and Alan
Alda's TOS/"Green Acres" crossover?
Crow: He's got a point.
Tom: It's the principle of the thing, blast it!
>From srat...@runet.edu Thu Feb 25 17:31:50 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.startrek.creative.all-ages
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 04/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 26 Feb 1999 00:31:50 GMT
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 4/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Mike: Sadly, though, Joel Schumacher still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>101374
Crow: The number of greasy, matted unappealing hairs on Riker's
back.
>Chapter Three
>
> Lyam Sympton was ready to move.
Tom: Everything was packed in boxes, individually wrapped in
newspaper...
> A group of his colleagues
>had joined him in his private yacht, the Star Fleet's Bane.
Mike: Oh yeah, and they're probably all disguising themselves by
wearing t-shirts that have the words "Proud to be an Anti-
Star Fleet terrorist" in big black letters across the chest.
Crow: Look like good old fashioned sneakiness is a lost art in the
24th century.
> They
>were just entering the Zed-15 Depot Yard.
Mike: Hey Fred, there's a yacht called "Star Fleet's Bane" coming
in to the yard. Think we should check 'em out?
Tom: Nah, they're probably just auditors, Barney.
> Their objective was
>the decommissioned USS Eagle NCC-956.
Crow: Boy, 745 ships before they built the original "Enterprise."
They'll be lucky if it doesn't have oars.
> "Have they detected us?" Lyam asked his comrade and
>Engineering Specialist, Boris Gutanhoff.
Crow: [Boris] Why don't you ask my assistant, Till Eulenspiegel?
Tom: [Boris] Or the rest of the staff, Carmen, Aida, and
Siegfried?
Crow: [to Mike] Bet you thought we were gonna go for the
Bullwinkle riff.
Mike: Yes, yes, I'm very proud of you. Now read the story.
> "I don't think so," Boris replied.
Tom: Is there a *rule* that you have to have a goofy name to
join ENE?
> "Ready Boarding parties, Frank,"
All: FRANK?!?!?
Crow: TV's Frank finally found a home!
Mike: o/~ Let me be Frank about Frank! o/~
> Lyam ordered. "Boris, I
>want that ship operational ASAP."
> "I'll do my best," Boris responded. "Hopefully they won't
>have stripped it too much."
Mike: Well, in this state starships are required to wear pasties...
>
> Moment's latter two dozen hired guns beamed on board the
>Eagle.
Tom: And clattered to the floor.
Mike: Hire PEOPLE next time, Lyam!
> They fanned out and checked out the empty ship. Signaling
>all clear, the leader requested that the Engineer be beamed
>aboard.
Mike: [Softly and British] Suddenly, Thomas found himself in
orbit about a Class M planet.
> Boris got right to work on the shuttlebay doors.
>Despite the fact that the Eagle had been out of service for more
>than 50 years, the bay doors still opened
Tom: Allowing all the air to vent out, immediately killing
Boris and ending the plot. The end.
> allowing the Star
>Fleet's Bane to squeeze into the bay.
Crow: "Star Fleet's Bane" - now available on E-Bay.
> Lyam Sympton exited the yacht. "Welcome aboard, Captain,"
>Boris said. "How is our transportation Boris?" Lyam asked.
Mike: [Boris] Well I don't know, YOU just came in on... oh,
you mean this ship.
> "No weapons but she'll go fast enough to break the speed
>limit
Tom: But unfortunately, going at 200mph won't get us to another
planet very fast.
Mike: What, Starfleet leave a working, powered, operational
starship lying around without ANY security?
Crow: Nah, it's got plenty of security, but Lyam found a secret
plot hole in the fence.
> and get us where or shall I say when we're going," Boris
>replied.
Tom: Such subtle foreshadowing.
> "Then lets get under way before the supply yard notices
>us," Lyam ordered. "I'll be on the Bridge."
>
Mike: [Boris] Oops, too late! They're wondering who we are!
Tom: [Star Fleet guy] What's going on there?
Mike: Ah, we're having a slight weapons malfunction here,
slight weapons malfunction, but everything's fine now.
Tom: We're sending someone up to check.
Mike: Ah, negative, negative, we're having an anti-matter leak
here, big one, very dangerous, and we don't have Wesley
Crusher here. Very dangerous.
Tom: Who is this? What's your number?
Mike: Boring conversation anyway. GYPSY! We've got company!
Gypsy: [O.S.] Is it Richard Baseheart?
[M&TB groan.]
>Personal Log
>USS Stargazer NCC-2893
>STARDATE 51671.35
>Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard, acting Captain.
Tom: And Sports Captain, and Music Captain.
Mike: He means that she's like a vice-captain.
Crow: Yeah, that suits her too.
>
> We are currently proceeding to Deep Space Nine to pick up
>the Captain and the Cardassian members of our crew. I am
>somewhat uneasy about having Cardassians serving
Mike: They ALWAYS double fault at bad times.
> on the
>Stargazer. It hasn't been long since they were enemies.
Crow: [Marrissa] They even let themselves be beaten by a bunch
of kids!
> In fact
>I've even fought them.
Tom: [Marrissa] But I've hired the best lawyers in Starfleet,
and I'm confident I can beat the war crimes charges...
> I have to admit, though, that the
>situation in the Demilitarized zone calls for just such a crew.
Tom: Yeah, that's always a real tension-breaker: fill out your
crew roster with hostile foreign nationals looking to kill
your own people.
>Perhaps together, we'll be able to end the fighting between those
>people who don't believe the war is over.
Mike: All those pickup trucks with "Fergit, Hell!" bumper stickers
are invading uncharted Pacific atolls filled with Imperial
Japanese soldiers perched in small jungle enclaves.
>
> Late that evening, Lavelle was dealing the latest round of
>poker in Seven Slightly Starboard.
Mike: Which I suppose could be interesting if only Ratliff had
bothered to tell us who this Lavelle guy is.
Tom: Poker? I hardl-
Crow: No! No, no, no!
> "Five of Diamonds for the
>Security Chief, Seven of Diamonds for his wife, Jack of Clubs for
>the Admiral, King of Hearts for the Princess, and a Eight of
>Hearts for me."
Mike: I spy with my little eye, something beginning with s.
Crow: Storyline?
Mike: Nup.
Tom: Symbolism?
Mike: Yup.
> "Another Five for Ross, a heart this time; a Nine of
>Diamonds for his boss, A King of Diamonds for Admiral Scott, a
>Queen of Hearts for the Princess that steals them,
Crow: ...right out of peoples' chests and shows them to them
before they die.
> and a eight of
>Clubs for the dealer. Ante up."
Mike: Oh, please, keep dealing - you only have 42 more cards for
your little schtick!
> "Sam, if you keep up those jokes up, I'm going to club you,"
>Katherine Lochard said.
Tom: Yuk yuk. Cards. Clubs. Get it? Oh, my sides.
> "Ah, but you forget, I out rank you," Lavelle replied.
Mike: [Lavelle] So I can ORDER you to lose!
> "A
>Four of Diamonds for Ross. a 10 of Diamonds for a possible
>straight for Kathy. A Two of Hearts for Scotty. An Ace of
>Hearts for the Captain's daughter,
Tom: Let's see - the queen, king, and ace of hearts. Geez! She
can't lose at *anything*!
Crow: [nonchalant] I worked that out ages ago.
> and a Eight of Clubs for the
>dealer."
Mike: Ohhhhhh. It's a subtle introduction scene!
Tom: Guys, we should be grateful that he's never given his
characters "Marvel Universe"-style writeups.
Crow: Y'know, I'm starting to dislike Lavelle more than I do
Marrissa.
> "If she doesn't I will," Marrissa said. "And I outrank you."
Mike: [Marrissa] So I can club you and get away with it!
> "Idol threats," Lavelle dismissed.
All: [laugh]
Mike: Gimme the money or the golden calf gets it, see?
Crow: [Marrissa] Give me ten grand or Moloch dies!
Tom: Yo, Baal! I'm gonna cut you, man!
> "A Four of Clubs for
>Security, a Six of Diamonds for his Wife, a Two of Diamonds for
>the Miracle Worker, a Ten of Hearts for the Royal Officer, and a
>Four of Clubs for me."
Mike: Well, he's almost halfway through the deck.
Crow: Suddenly, I really miss those name and rank recitations.
Tom: I'd mention that the same card just turned up twice,
but I'll guess they're using two packs instead of just
accusing Marrissa of cheating.
> "I fold," Ross said.
> "I'm in," Kathy said, tossing in 10.
Crow: What are they playing for?
Mike: Probably the souls of redshirts.
> "I fold," Scotty said.
Tom: Although you'd have to freeze him a bit first.
> "I'll see your 10, and raise you 5," Marrissa said.
> "I'll see your 15, and raise you 10," Lavelle called.
Crow: *THRILLING* *POKER* *ACTION!*
> "Too rich for me, I fold," Kathy said.
Tom: [Kathy] I mean, I might actually lose some of that thing
we allegedly don't use any more!
> "I'll see your 10, and raise you 20," Marrissa said.
> "I fold," Lavelle said.
Mike: The preceding piece of pulse-pounding poker action was
brought to you by the National Council to Make Chess
Seem More Exciting.
Tom: Meanwhile, Matt Damon stands nearby, itching to grift
these buffoons out of every cent they've got.
> "Lavelle you need more confidence in your hand," Marrissa
>stated, revealing her hole card,
Tom: The Ten of Courtney Loves.
> the Seven of Hearts.
Mike: [Lavelle] Oh, shoot. I thought we were playing Seven-Card
Stud Hi-Lo.
Crow: Wait, she still had a flush, right? So what's the big deal?
Mike: Marrissa's theory is why bother to win unless you win *big*?
> "I'll sit
>out the next couple. I don't want to win all of your money
>before we even get the full crew on board, Lavelle."
Tom: [Marrissa] After all, I've got to be able to beat you again
in front of the crew.
> Marrissa
>got up and went over to Mary, who was dusting the piano next to
>Marrissa's wall.
Crow: All in all you're just another brick in Marrissa's wall.
> "Mary, what is an old fashion upright piano
>doing in a Starship bar."
Tom: The backstroke.
[rim shot]
> "Piano's have always been in bars since the ancient west on
>Earth," Mary responded.
Tom: *Sissy* bars, anyway.
> "I hear you play."
Mike: [Mary] And it's driving me insane. Please stop!
> "Not much, and I quit lessons when I was ten," Marrissa
>said. "Sometime I'll have to pick it up again."
Mike: Even though she put her back out last time she tried.
> "No time like the present," Mary said.
Crow: A stitch in time saves nine, too.
Mike: Is it inappropriate to ask who Mary is at this point?
Crow: I don't know, but there's just something about her.
> "All right, but I'm warning you I haven't practiced in a
>good two years, three years - maybe more," Marrissa warned. Then
>she began playing the Blue Danube Waltz.
Mike: Or it might have been "Maple Leaf Rag". Or "Chopsticks".
The way Marrissa played, Mary just couldn't tell.
> A little hesitant and
>occasionally she made a mistake
All: [deliberate silence]
> but on the whole it sounded
>pretty good.
Tom: Ahh, the return to the natural order.
Crow: Then, out of nowhere, their starship turned into an
antelope thighbone.
> "Hey, Marrissa, this is a bar, not a concert hall," Ross
>shouted.
Mike: And you're underage, so get out!
> "OK, you asked for it," Marrissa said. "Mary, get me a
>strawberry juice."
Tom: [Marrissa] Someone's going to be sticky tonight.
> Ross looked over at her thinking 'not again,'
Crow: o/~ It hurts so good, he don't understand - infatuation! o/~
Tom: *Ding!*
>but Marrissa wasn't going to do that.
Crow: After all, why use strawberry juice when you've got a
perfectly good rack to torture people on?
> She began playing the
>Entertainer.
Mike: And the Entertainer lost, 4-0. Thank you.
> "Marrissa, that's still not right," Ross said back.
Mike: And Marrissa said forward.
Crow: And Mary said slightly starboard.
> "Hey, you give me the music and a month to study it and
>maybe I'll play it," Marrissa responded.
> As Marrissa continued to play, a young man phased into view
>behind her.
Tom: It's Ricky Martin!
Mike: Boy, he's going everywhere to promote his CD!
> "Are you sure you haven't been practicing?" he
>whispered in her ear.
> Marrissa whirled around on the piano stool to face him.
>"Wesley Eugene Crusher,
All: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
> what are you doing here?"
Crow: Bringing in yet another character to make Marrissa
seem likable by comparison, obviously.
Mike: [Marrissa] On my ship we have *rules*, mister, and one
of those rules is that we *obey* the laws of time and
space!
> "Well, little sister,
Tom: [singing, a la Elvis] Don't ya do what your big sister done!
> I though I'd drop by to see you,"
>Wesley replied.
> "Wes, you never 'drop by'," Marrissa retorted.
Tom: [Wesley] You're right! [sob noises] I came to tell you..
I'm dying, Marrissa!
[Daytime soap sad music starts.]
Crow: [Marrissa] You're... dying?
Tom: [Wesley] Yes, I... won't be in the show anymore.
[A huge cheer is heard]
Mike: [mumbling] Damn stage crew. Always butting into the show...
> "Who said I couldn't change?" Wes replied, plastering a
Mike: ...nice finish over the bricks he'd used to wall Marrissa
in.
Tom: For the love of God, Wesleysor! NOOO!!!!
>smile on his face.
Crow: The "Leering Grin of Doom", ladies and gentlemen.
> "This from the guy who hasn't seen his little sister since
>the week after she was born," Marrissa said, staring.
Mike: [Marrissa] Wow, where did you get that third eye from?
> She thought
>it was unfair that she had been stuck with all the older sibling
>duties for the now almost two year-old girl.
Mike: [Wesley] Well, when you achieve total control over the space-
time continuum, then I'll change the occasional diaper.
> Wesley relented. "Actually I'm working for Star Fleet
>Temporal Investigations Prevention Division
Tom: So he's in the obstruction trade. Figures.
Mike: Bet that acronym doesn't get much use.
Crow: Hey, Wesley, where ya working now?
Mike: Oh, I'm TIPD.
Crow: Slightly starboard, I see.
> and you happen to be
>heading to my next job."
Crow: [Wesley] I'd tell you where that is, but then I'd have to
kill you.
Mike: He's gone from being the assistant master of time and space
to just another Starfleet rent-a-cop.
Tom: I bet the Traveller got fed up with him being so wormy
all the time.
> Marrissa continued to stare.
Crow: [Marrissa] Didn't I see you in a 7-Up commercial?
> "And I'll
>visit Mom and Jackie when we get back."
Tom: [Wes] I said we? Slip of the tongue.
> "Welcome aboard Wes," Marrissa said. "Come let me introduce
>you to the crew,
Mike: And if you don't let her, *she'll* have to kill *you*.
> but I'd advise you not to join the poker game.
Crow: [Lavelle] That's because she cheats.
>Your bluff is worse than Lavelle's. I see you got a promotion to
>Lieutenant junior grade. Took you long enough."
Crow: Mortal fool! Cower before Marrissa's displeasure!
Mike: [Wes] Oops, wrong time zone. I'm an Admiral in this one,
you know.
> "Sorry, not every officer can move though the ranks as fast
>as you," Wesley said.
Mike: Even the great Wesley Crusher bows low in awe before
the Mighty Queen of Space.
> "Are you sure Dad didn't help you?"
Crow: [Marrissa] Shut up, shut up, shut up! Just shut your big fat
stinky mouth!! It's just coincidence that all of the other
applicants got assigned to Nausicaan delousing duty!
> "The only help Dad gives me is with my swordsmanship,
Crow: [Marrissa] I'm supposed to never raise my sword when someone
attacks? Are you sure that's right?
Mike: [Picard] Trust me.
> and
>you know it,
Tom: Despite being away for two years.
Mike: Who can blame her for expecting omniscience from everyone?
Crow: Us.
> or have you been spending too much time out of time
>again?" Marrissa responded.
Mike: "Time out of time?" How'd the original series ever miss
*that* as an episode title?
> "You know me, I've got all the time in the universe," Wesley
>replied.
Mike: So he's got too much on his hands.
Tom: And it's tickin' away with his sanity.
> "Were as you have that really tight schedule. Tell me,
>did you schedule time to sleep this week?"
Crow: [Marrissa] Yep, right between "Play annoyingly bad piano
solo" and "Spread imminent sense of foreboding among
Stargazer crew". I've found that if I forget, then the
crew starts to suspect my divinityship.
Tom: [Wes] Actually, it could be due to your divine glow, sis.
> "Knock it off, you two, some of us are trying to play poker
>over here," Ross Lochard said.
Mike: And failing too.
Crow: Oh, rub it in.
Tom: So Marrissa pulled out her phaser and vaporized Lochard
*and* the table.
Mike: Stop fantasizing. We both know he doesn't die until "A
New Generation."
>
> Lyam Sympton was on the old constitution class starship's
>bridge.
Tom: Over the river Kwai.
> He wouldn't have admitted to his comrades,
Crow: But he was wearing lacy lingerie.
> but when he
>was little he use to dream of commanding such a ship.
Mike: Somebody better explain to this guy that you don't fly
today's ships by running around and going "vrooom."
> An old
>ship, not one of those modern luxury yachts like the Galaxy
>Class.
Tom: Well, they could probably install a few spikes in the
Captain's chair if it'd make him happier.
> Of coarse
Crow: Well, I see not *everything* was revised.
> that was part of the problem with Star Fleet.
Mike: The other problem was their bad breath.
>They were luxury minded warmongers who used their power to
>interfere with every conflict from Earth to the Gamma Quadrant.
Crow: Hey, how come we never hear about the Beta Quadrant?
What's in it, anyway?
Tom: Oh, it's the low-rent section of the galaxy. Place is
overrun with Pakleds and...well, whatever Neelix's race is.
>He and his group believed that it would have been better if the
>Earth hadn't been the primary influence in creating Star Fleet.
Mike: Lyam believed that it should have been Pern, so he could
be tested to be a dragon-rider.
>If Earth hadn't had some planetary exploration under it's belt,
Crow: Then it would never have made the weight for the middleweight
division.
>than his organization, Exploration Not Exploitation, believed
>that Vulcans would have been able to control Star Fleet.
Mike: Thus stopping Kirk from ever becoming captain.
> This
>would, in there opinion,
Mike: There opinion.
Crow: There Stellar Cartography.
Tom: There wolf.
Mike: It's almost too easy.
Crow: Yeah, but when the fish are biting, you keep on casting.
> have reduced the exploitation that Star
>Fleet Captains did.
Mike: Especially one James T. Kirk, who was single-handedly
responsible for 78% of all known incidents of exploitation.
Crow: This is a political philosophy that makes pro wrestling
seem sophisticated.
> "Lyam, all systems are ready," Boris said.
Mike: [Lyam] Engage! Uh, I mean..
Tom: [Boris] He acted like exploitative Captain! We do to
him like we did to moose and squirrel!
Crow: [Crew member] But we're out of olive oil and cream, Boris!
> "John set a coarse for Proxima Centauri, Warp 7," Lyam
>ordered.
>
Tom: This'll be a rough ride.
Mike: Enough.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
Crow: o/~ Ro, Ro, Roanoke... o/~
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/
Tom: All life begins with Nu and ends with Nu... This is the truth!
This is my belief!.. at least for now. Mystery of Life,
Vol. 841, Ch. 26.
> ASCA Moderator
>
>"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers."
>"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire"
Tom: What about in the mirror universe?
Mike: There's no more Starfleet there, remember?
Tom: Oh yeah, now it's filled with kinky DS9 duplicates.
>From srat...@runet.edu Thu Mar 04 18:11:58 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 05/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 5 Mar 1999 01:11:58 GMT
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 05/11
>
Tom: Once again, the whole rigamarole, ladies & gents.
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Mike: Sadly, though, Howard Stern still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>101374
Tom: The number of hours per week Lavelle practices dealing cards.
>Chapter Four
>
Crow: ... of the local Mormons.
> Marrissa came out of the Port Turbolift in the rear
Crow: Admiral?
> of the
>Stargazer's bridge.
Mike: On your left, you will see the eternal flame erected in the
memory of Ensign Throwaway...
> Before sitting down,
Tom: Marrissa took the tack off her seat.
> she took a quick tour
>of the bridge.
Crow: [Miss Information] We're seein' the Helm. We're marvelin'
at the long range-sensors. We're cowerin' at Marrissa's
wrath. We're movin', we're movin'!
> The Engineering station on her left when she
>entered was unmanned at the moment, and showed the ship to be in
>good condition to Marrissa's quick look. In the forward corner,
>past some auxiliary stations was Operations.
Tom: The Goofy Game for Dopey Chief Medical Officers.
> Marrissa didn't
>know the name of the Ensign manning it, but he seemed competent
>as she checked.
Mike: Unfortunately, Marrissa's luck had just run out - it was
Ensign Jim Carrey VI.
> In the center below the view screen was the
>helm, referred to in current Star Fleet parlance as
Tom: The steering wheel.
> CONN,
Crow: Maker of fine helm panels and musical instruments for over
600 Stardates.
>currently held by her Assistant Fighter Commander, who insisted
>on being called Kathy.
Tom: Or "Honey Pookums," but not when they were in front of the
other officers.
> Marrissa didn't mind. It solved the
>problem of two Lieutenant Lochards on the bridge. Next was the
>stairs to the Office Floor below,
Tom: Stairs to the *floor*?
Crow: The bridge must be on stilts.
Mike: It has to be - darn bridge floods every monsoon season!
> where the Captain's Ready Room,
Mike: Captain's Drinking Room, Captain's Dungeon...
>Primary Conference Room, Officer's Lounge, and First Officer's
>Office were located.
Tom: Auggh! The word "office" has just lost all meaning for me!
Crow: Ohhh, so *that's* where the term "officer" comes from.
Mike: Along with a mysterious door marked "No Admittance" where
unearthly screams and the occasional howl of agony could
be heard.
> Back towards the rear
Mike: Admiral.
Crow: You called?
> on the other side of
>the bridge from the Engineering Station was Fighter Command.
>Marrissa knew she'd be spending a lot of time at that station
>once the Captain arrived.
Crow: So she had a full entertainment center installed and
hid it in the ship's budget under "Bearclaws for Stellar
Cartography".
> It seemed to be well arranged, but
>since Star Fleet hadn't had a Fighter Carrier since before the
>Stargazer was originally commissioned,
Tom: Which would be, what, last Wednesday?
> she was sure something
>wouldn't be right once the ship got into regular service.
Tom: It's "Star Trek: The Dilbert Generation".
Mike: No, this is a starship. The term is "wouldn't be starboard."
Crow: "Wouldn't be slightly starboard".
Mike: Whatever.
> In the
>middle of the rear of the bridge, on the other side of the
>Starboard Turbolift
Mike: [Soft, children's show voice] Down by the old hollow log,
near the Cuddly-Wuddly Brook, happy old Mr. Hedgehog lived.
> was Tactical and Security, with Lieutenant
>Ross Lochard manning it. As Marrissa moved to take her seat in
>the Captain's chair, she asked Ross, "Ship's status?"
Crow: [Ross] Inanimate, but damn spiffy, Commander.
> "All systems normal," Ross replied.
Tom: Snafu.
Mike: That's a Cardassian word, right?
> "No problems reported
>in the last two shifts from any department"
Crow: [Ross] ...except Nausicaan Delousing. Um, you might want to
check that chair before you...well, never mind.
> "Very well," Marrissa said, looking to her right at the
>First Officer's chair. She wondered what it would be like to see
>a Cardassian in that seat.
Crow: Exchanging sly, come-hither stares...
> "Captain, I'm detecting a craft exceeding warp 5," Lieutenat
>Ross Lochard interupted.
Mike: Ross Lochard- interstellar traffic cop.
> " Definite pre-refined warp drive.
>Current speed is warp 7 and accelerating."
Tom: Oh my. The plot sickens.
> "Kathy, intercept coarse,
Tom: You gotta be rough on these speeders!
Mike & Crow: D'oh!
> maximum warp," Marrissa ordered.
>Fleet vessels were required to stop speeding ships.
Crow: Due to a directive from Fleet Admiral Buford T. Justice.
Tom: o/~ They can't drive - AT WARP FIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!!!!! o/~
> Federation
>congress had tacked the duty on when
Mike: They found out that only one Star Fleet ship and one
station were ever doing anything useful.
> the subspace rupture problem
>had been found. "Ross, additional data please."
Mike: [Ross] Sorry, Marrissa, there's only one, and he's on the
Enterprise.
> "Sensors indicate, no this can't be right, Ops, confirm my
>readings," Lieutenant Ross Lochard said.
Tom: You're right, it's from Revelation!
> "Readings confirmed, vessel is the constitution class
>starship USS Eagle, NCC-956," the ensign at Ops replied.
Crow: [ensign] And I have a name! It's Byron! Why don't we
ever talk any more, Ross?
> "The constitution class was retired over 50 years ago,"
>Marrissa stated.
Mike: Just after the USS Nixon was commissioned.
> "Ross, where was the Eagle stored?"
Mike: In an eyrie?
> "The Zed-15 depot yard," Ross said. "Didn't they lose
>several starships several years ago?"
Crow: Wow. Their couch cushions must be the size of Montana.
Tom: [Marrissa] I don't know, I was in diapers at the time.
> "Well they've lost another one," Marrissa said as Scotty
>entered the bridge. "Time to intercept, Kathy."
Mike: Jeez, stealing ships from naval yards is so commonplace
in this universe, you'd think they'd just put a round-
the-clock guard on them all.
> "Ten minutes," Kathy responded. "But they're going awful
>close to that star."
Crow: Look out! It's Sean Penn, and he thinks they're paparazzi!
> "It might as well be 10 years," Scotty said. "They're
>attempting time travel. Helm, you better change coarse
Mike: Take some charm classes. Become much more refined and
genteel.
> to a
>hyperbolic, matching theirs as close as possible, if you want to
>catch them."
Crow: [Scotty] And scan them, I think they stole my accent.
> Kathy looked at Marrissa.
Tom: After all, Overlord of the galaxy outranks Admiral.
> "You heard the Admiral," Marrissa
>said. "If I remember the descriptions of time travel, we better
>strap in. All hands, prepare for rough maneuvers.
Tom: Sure, you didn't believe my hints about Marrissa and
Kathy before...
Crow: Y'know, read out of context, practically every sentence in
this story could be really filthy.
Mike: You read *everything* out of context.
Crow: I have to - it's in my contract.
> We have to
>come out of this as close as possible to the time which the Eagle
>does, so keep a close eye on them, Kathy."
Tom: [Johnny Cash] o/~ Ah keep a close watch on this ship of
mine! o/~
> "And hope the new inertial dampeners are better than they
>were on the original Enterprise," Scotty said.
>
Mike: Yeah, they have lap *and* shoulder belts.
Tom: But with the average age of the crew, they had to take
out the airbags...
> Ahead of them the USS Eagle shot around Proxima Centauri and
>disappeared. Then the Stargazer followed suit.
Crow: Then the Eagle bid 4 No-Trump.
Tom: Yes! Marrissa's gone! No, no fun when you already know
what's going to happen.
> The whole ship
>shook.
Crow: All night long.
> Down in Seven Slightly Starboard,
Tom: Sixteen sour squashes simpered.
Mike: See? Subtle scenes succeed!
Crow: Simply smashing, senor.
> the vases on the tables
>slid off on to the floor, shattering.
Mike: I hope someone's filming this for Fox's "World's Scariest
Starship Chases CCCLXXVI".
> Throughout the ship things
>fell from their places,
Crow: What things?
Tom: Things. You know, "things."
Crow: Oh.
> however in a tribute to the new ship's
>engineering,
Tom: Debbie Allen produced a Tap Dance routine based on the warp
engine's matter/antimatter mix ratio.
> no consoles exploded.
Crow: Our Friend, the Fuse.
> Moments later they left
>warp, decelerating in another time.
Mike: Central Daylight.
>
> "Ships status, Engineering?" Marrissa said.
Tom: Intact, but we're clean out of vases.
> "Tactical
>determine the location of the Eagle.
Mike: Didn't we already establish it's in an eyrie?
Crow: Yep. Right by Undocumented Features...
> Ops, current date please.
Crow: [ensign] Well, I *thought* it was Lt. Lochard, but he
seems to want to spend all his time with his *wife*, so
I guess I'm unattached.
>Lieutenant Lavelle, Lieutenant Crusher report to the bridge."
Mike: Ah, they're loading up on loads, I see.
> "All systems are normal, but I'd like to run a level two
>diagnostic to be sure," Scotty replied.
Tom: [announcer voice] This was the start of the long slide
for Scotty, which led to his compulsive diagnosing, the
long hours locked in his quarters running diagnostics,
and finally his standing on a street corner with a sign
reading "Will diagnose for food."
> "That takes systems off line, I'm afraid we can't risk that
>until we know were we are and what we are going to have to do,"
>Marrissa said.
Tom: [Marrissa] We'll just have to risk not knowing about the
warp-core problems, Admiral.
> "Run a level three instead."
Mike: [Scotty] But...but...that just diagnoses the Slurpee
dispenser in the cafeteria, Lassie!
Crow: Of course, the idea of Scotty running anywhere now is a
bit of a joke.
> "Aye, sir," Scotty replied.
> "I've found the Eagle, Captain," Ross Lochard replied.
Tom: [Ross] It landed.
> "She
>is headed toward Earth. The Eagle has a lead time of about four
>hours on us."
> "Kathy, set a coarse to intercept," Marrissa ordered. "Ops,
>do you have the date for me?"
Tom: [Announcer] We have *just* the date for you, Marrissa. He's
6'1", 200 lbs., and a 21-year old Phys Ed major from Lansing,
Michigan. Say hello to Butch Beefcake!
Mike & Crow: [applause]
> "Aye sir, it is July 26, 1999," the ensign at Ops replied.
> "Happy negative 280th birthday Captain," Ross responded,
>grinning.
Mike: [Marrissa] That's unbelievably lame. You're fired.
Crow: So, Marrissa was born in 2279? And TNG began in 2364?
Marrissa's certainly the...*oldest* teenager I've ever
heard of.
Tom: In the original version she was born in 2277.
> "Ross,"
Crow: Rachel...
> Kathy admonished, not sparing a look back at her
>husband, but her tone telling him of what she thought of his
>attempt at levity on the Bridge.
Mike: Levitate on your own time, Ross.
Crow: None for Ross tonight.
> "Captain the Eagle has already entered the Solar System,"
>Ross informed.
> "Kathy where do you think you will catch up with them?"
>Marrissa asked.
Tom: [Kathy] Around about Mile Marker 334, if we don't stop for
lunch.
> "I'd have to say in Earth orbit, assuming that's where
>they're going,"
Crow: How CONVEEEENIENT.
> Kathy Lochard replied as Wesley and Lieutenant
>Lavelle entered the bridge.
> "Any advice for me, big brother?" Marrissa asked Wesley.
Crow: [Wesley] Be sure not to collide with one of the many
Enterprises time-travelling back to this century.
> "Just don't let your ship be seen," Wesley replied.
Mike: Wesley Crusher--Shaolin Kung-Fu Master of the Obvious.
Tom: [Wesley] Despite the fact that it's really huge, and you
don't have a cloaking device, and you've been sitting out
here not trying to hide.
> "Admiral Scott?" Marrissa questioned.
Mike: [Scott] Kill the motherf-- oh, uh, I mean, be careful.
> "Visual and ray sensor screen active," Scotty replied.
Crow: My name is Raymond J. Sensor Screen, but ya doesn't hasta
call me Johnson!
> "The Eagle has entered Earth orbit," Ross appraised.
Tom: I'm just picturing him with this jeweler's loupe...
Mike: I'd a-praise the Eagle for running away from Marrissa.
Bots: [Groan].
> "Time to orbit?" Marrissa asked.
Tom: [Ross] No problemo - we got pretty much all day to orbit if
we want to.
> "Thirty seconds," Kathy said.
> "Hail the Eagle," Marrissa ordered.
Mike: [singing, to "On Wisconsin"] Hail the Eagle! Hail the
Eagle! Hail the Eagle's climb! First a Star and then a
Life must on your bosom shine!
> "Use subspace
>narrowband channels
Mike: [Marrissa] If that doesn't work, put the CB on channel 5
and break for "Big Daddy Eagle".
Tom: Boy, that's going to bug me.
Crow: Here- ."
Tom: Thanks.
> "They are refusing to respond," Ross said.
Crow: After the traditional two second wait.
Mike: Star Trek - in support of the people who hang up after
one ring.
> "Detecting
>transporter activity."
> "Trace beam down location," Marrissa ordered.
Tom: I think he's in LA writing for "America's Funniest Home
Videos".
Crow: Who is?
Tom: Uh...
Mike: Quit messing with the fourth wall, you two.
> "Somewhere in Florida," Ross replied.
Tom: They're going to Disneyworld!
> "The Eagle is moving
>off."
> "Follow them," Marrissa ordered. "Ross, save those
>coordinates. Scotty, easiest way to take down their shields."
Crow: [Scotty] Canna we just use the phasers?
Mike: [Marrissa] No! There has to be a plot contrivance
somewhere we can use!
> "I can bring them down," Scotty said. "The question is what
>are they trying to do here?"
Crow: Well, obviously, they heard about some of the great real
estate deals down in Cape Coral.
> "Good Question," Marrissa responded. "Computer Significant
>events in Earth History within the next two weeks."
Mike: [Computer] July 28, Special Prosecutor Ken Starr subpeonas
the Oval Office rug to check for Monica Lewinsky's
kneeprints.
Crow: [Computer] July 29, President Bill Clinton dismembers a
litter of cute, cuddly kittens with a chain saw and then
dances naked on their bloody remains. His approval
ratings increased to 84%.
Tom: [Computer] July 30, Larry Flynt threatens to release nude
pix of Mother Theresa.
> "July 29, King William V ascends the throne of Great
>Britain.
Tom: Becoming the first man ever to scale that lofty peak.
Mike: Did this happen last time 'round?
Crow: No.
Mike: Ratliff - amateur history re-writer.
> August 1, first manned mission to Mars Launched.
Mike: Hah! We can't even get a decent space station cobbled
together.
>August 3, Iraq tries to invade Syria."
Crow: But they're turned back when they encounter what is later
described as "a really ugly, scary-looking spider".
> "Computer, elaborate on the second one," Marrissa said.
Mike: Invasion of Syria? Nah.. can't be the important one.
> "August 1, 1999. The United States launched the Endeavor,
>the last part of the hybrid spacecraft Athena from Cape
>Canaveral, Florida.
Tom: Foreshadowing, ladies & gentlemen.
Mike: Part of their ill-conceived plan to hybridize starships
and alien DNA.
> The mission was launched after the Mars
>Explorer landing in 1997 renewed interest. Despite being rushed
>to launch, the mission was an astounding success.
Tom: So NASA ignored every safety directive, engineering operating
procedure and rule of space flight they'd developed over 40
years just to catch good press?
Mike: Hey, when the cat's away, ya gotta take the bull by the tail.
Tom: Don't try and be creative, okay, Nelson?
> That mission
>enabled an accelerated launch of several additional missions of
>exploration including the ill-fated Stargazer mission to Saturn."
Crow: [news announcer] The town of Spring Hill, Tennessee, was
wiped out today when a poorly-conceived NASA mission
crashed into it...
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
Tom: Geez Louise! How many websites does Ratliff maintain,
anyway?!?
Mike: It's his first step towards becoming a multi-media mogul.
>"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers."
>"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire"
Crow: Well, maybe if they did, it'd thin the herd a little.
Tom: Let's get out of here for a while.
Mike: Yeah. I wanna check something in my Maltin Video Guide.
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[The Presidential seal of the United States has been painted on
the doors to the theater. Crow, wearing a blue suit and a gray
wig stands behind the console. Crow speaks in a faux southern
accent.]
Crow: Well, thank goodness that pesky Whitewater thing is over
with. Whew! If I ever see Ken Starr again, it'll be too
soon! Now, onto those important international problems...
[Tom, wearing a blonde wig and a red starfleet uniform enters.]
Tom: Hi, Mr. President!
Crow: Oh, hi Marrissa. Are we in danger from evil time
travelers again?
Tom: You bet, Mr. President! Me and my brother Wesley...say,
where is Wesley anyway? Wesley! Wesleeey!
[Mike enters, jumpsuit clad, carrying a huge backpack and
festooned with numerous gadgets.]
Tom: Wesley? What are you doing?
Mike: I'm going to head back in time again. This time, I'm
prepared for any eventuality. I'll get the time line
straightened out.
Tom: Er, what time line, Wes?
Crow: Oh, can it! Mike, you've ruined our sketch!
Mike: Sorry guys, the timeline needs me. The world deserves
better than Adam Sandler in 'Titanic'. I'm off.
[Mike exits. A loud hum is once again.]
Crow: Well, he's got us one that one.
Tom: Ah. It can't be as bad as that Psycho remake with Anne
Heche.
Crow: Tom, that one was from *our* time line.
Tom: So? It was still horrible.
[The mads light begins to flash again.]
Crow: But that's not... oh, never mind. Let's see if the mads
are back to normal.
[Deep 13]
[Deep 13 is back, but the usual suspects are not there. A young
man in a bright yellow trenchoat enters, followed by the familiar
figure of Ortega.]
Dr. Thinker: I emit my compliments to it, aquaintances robot-as of
the OH. I wait that the day brings to it upper-class.
Ortega: hmmmrmmphmph.
[SoL]
Bots: Nope.
Tom: Hi Doc.
Crow: We're fine Doc. Everything's fine. How are you?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: I feel full bonanza well today, my small rebits. For it
it is truily one day pretty the lies before us, and I
feel certain full that I will be controlling the entire
globe before too much for much time.
[SoL]
Tom: Uh-huh.
Crow: And then what?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: Because then I will institute a series of the reforms
exconomic, socail, and legal sweeping projected to make
the planet in a place of the beuty and the light.
Ortega: Rrrpmmmhfghf.
Dr. T: Yes, and we it will have drunk and feeds cheap too much.
[SoL]
Tom: Uh-huh.
Crow: And then what?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: I will start then to remodel a great world in one
technocracy where the scientific elite governs! E I
will exijirei that the new networks show episodes
'of the strange luck.'
Ortega: nnmrphfhfs.
Dr. T: Yes, yes, mine tht of the friend will be made too much.
Thus, that you have that to say on these, pals of rebit?
[SoL]
Tom: Uh-huh.
Crow: And then what?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: You do not have no idea of what I am saying, you?
[SoL]
Tom: Uh-huh.
Crow: And then what?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: Never mind. Where it is microphone? I desesperalee
need to speak to it. You know, Miek? The high one
on of Wisconsin?
[SoL]
Crow: M-i-e-k? Oh, Mike.
Tom: Dairy boy? Oh, uh...
[A loud hum is heard offstage.]
Tom: He's on his way now.
[Mike enters, annoyed.]
Mike: I swear, if it's not one thing, it's ano...
[He glimpses at the viewscreen.]
Mike: It didn't work, did it?
Crow: No.
Mike: Blast. Oh well, at least I know this one. Hello,
Doctor T.
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: Hello Mihceal. How you are reatcing to the
experience today?
[SoL]
Mike: Uh-huh. And then what?
[Deep 13]
Dr. T: Nevrmend. Ortega, presets the experience,
please.
Ortega: mhhrhprmph.
Dr. T: Yes, yes. Of course. I know that teh particular
path is in its way. He emits only history, if you
to them pleese.
[Ortega presses a button, and the Ratliff sign begins to flash.]
[SoL]
Mike: Ahhhhh!!! We've got Ratliff sign!!!!
[The door sequence begins.]
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]
[The trio enters and sits.]
Crow: Okay Mike. What happened this time?
Mike: Well, I followed Ratliff into a theater. He was going
to see "The Last Starfighter."
Tom: Uh-huh?
Crow: And then what?
Mike: Stop that. Anyway, I tried to follow him, and I
discovered the one thing I forgot to pack.
Tom: What?
Mike: My wallet.
Bots: Oh.
>From srat...@runet.edu Sat Mar 13 16:52:46 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 06/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 13 Mar 1999 23:52:46 GMT
>
Tom: General Motors Trickster?
Crow: Giddy Metric Tons?
Mike: Gary's Muppet Tickling?
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 6/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Crow: Sadly, though, Joe Estevez still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>
>101374
Tom: The number of "little sips" of whiskey it takes to get Scotty
going in the morning.
>Chapter Five
>
All: Is alive!
> After beaming something or someone down to Florida, the
>Eagle moved out of orbit.
Crow: In today's stunning recap of the last page's action...
> Marrissa had to take action.
Mike: She ordered Tallahassee sprayed with strawberry juice.
> She
>couldn't let the Eagle get away, but she couldn't let what ever
>beamed down to Florida get away either.
Tom: They just probably went down to Ft. Lauderdale for spring
break.
> She spied Wesley out of
>the corner of her eye and an idea hit. "Wes, can you go after
>whatever beamed down to Florida?" she asked.
Crow: [Marrissa, enthusiastically] Hey, Wes? How'd you like to be
a decoy?
> "Certainly, Sis," Wesley replied.
Tom: [Wesley] Actually, I decided to save time and just mentally
annihilate the entire state. [pause] There.
Mike: Great. Now Wes, can you go and invent a way off the SOL for
us?
> "Go," Marrissa ordered.
Crow: [Groucho] And never darken my towels again!
> Wesley phased out of view as she
>turned back toward the viewscreen.
Tom: [Marrissa] Well, we ditched the load! Head back to the 24th
Century, pronto!
> "Kathy, close in on the
>Eagle. I don't need them at my back.
Mike: [Kathy] Marrissa, we have 360 degree shield and phaser
coverage, and they're running away anyway.
> Admiral Scott, is there
>any way to take those shields down without a light show?"
Crow: [Scott] Well, I suppose we *could* have called them up and
asked politely, but not now, after your "Recognition of
Greatness" Fanfare, "sir".
> "Aye, lassie," Scotty said,
Mike: [Scotty] I think I have a biscuit somewhere.
> sitting down at the Engineering
>station and limbering up his fingers theatrically. "Just let me
>have a word with her computers and she'll be marching to my
>beat."
Tom: On "Montgomery Scott's Party Machine"!
> "You know the Eagle's prefix code?" Marrissa inquired.
Crow: 1-800-HOT-BOTS
Mike: Excuse me?
Crow: It's nothing. Go back to sleep.
> "Aye, lass, I borrowed her to do some supply delivery for my
>refit projects," Scotty said, typing away.
Tom: Yep. Ten thousand liters of whiskey and fifty metric tons
of Ho-Hos per trip.
> "I've lowered her
>shields."
Mike: [automated voice] And thank you for using AT&T.
> "Ross, I want that ship under our control and her crew in
>our brig," Lieutenant Commander Picard ordered.
>
Tom: [Ross} Yes, ma'am! I'll send the Boulder Police Department
over there right away!
> Wesley phased into existence in an alley near a beach.
Mike: Where he was mugged, pantsed and taunted unmercifully.
> The
>interfering time travelers
Tom: Doctor?
Crow: Phineas?
Mike: Sam?
Tom: Dr. Vannice?
> had beamed down into that very alley
>just five minutes before. Wesley would have arrived at the same
>time as they did if he could, but his recent travel had left him
>somewhat drained.
Crow: That, or the Liquid Plummer he's been chugging.
Mike: And Stephen decides against overloading the plot contrivance
machine.
> Wesley wore black shorts and a white t-shirt which read
>"Stanford University Computer Science: We don't have a life, we
>have a program."
Tom: No shoes. Bet that's fun on the July pavement in Florida.
> He quickly scanned the area, looking for clues.
Tom: Steve and Blue soon showed up to help.
>Other than the recent tire prints in the sand of the alley,
Crow: Boy, Florida needs to sweep up after itself!
> there
>was no sign of anyone having been there in weeks.
Mike: Except for whoever left the tire-tracks.
> The five
>minutes had been enough to let them get away.
Crow: Without leaving footprints.
> He tapped his communicator, which had been attached to his
>belt buckle.
Tom: A belt with shorts? Not a good fashion statement, Wes.
Mike: That's so if anyone spots him, they'll just assume he's a nerd.
Tom: Well, I think the T-shirt more or less guarantees that.
> "Crusher to Stargazer," he said.
Mike: Check. Mate in three.
> "Stargazer here," his sister replied. "I assume you have
>good news?"
Tom: [Wes] I didn't find the guys, but I found their pony keg.
> "I'm afraid I got here to late," Wesley said. "I'm at the
>coordinates now, but they're long gone."
Tom: It's official - the co-ordinates have gone, and they've taken
the grammar checker with them.
> "Can't you travel back to when they arrive?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: [Marrissa] Can't everyone?
> "No, I don't have that much fine control, time-wise," Wesley
>explained
Crow: [Wesley] Actually, I don't have any control at all. I've
been surviving so far on blind luck.
> "In addition, all my recent travel has dulled my
>abilities.
Mike: Well, *that's* an excuse that's never been used before.
> I could use a good night's sleep."
Tom: [Wes] Otherwise, zap, I might find myself eating breakfast
sometime during the Renaissance.
Mike: He needs that nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, coughing,
aching, fever, stuffy head, so you can time travel medicine.
> "OK, as soon as we finish securing the Eagle, we'll beam you
Crow: [Marrissa]: ...into a wall. There are *penalties* for
failing me...
>up and see about finding a new plan," Marrissa decided.
Crow: Why do they need a new plan? Why can't they just let him
get his sleep and then go back in time to today? It's
not like it's going anywhere.
>"Stargazer out."
> Wesley walked toward the beach, killing time until the
>Stargazer was back in range.
Tom: And can't he just jump forward to that time?
Mike: Well, he's going that way anyway. It'd be like one skydiver
thumbing a ride from another.
> It was early morning, about seven,
>and the beach was almost empty. There was red haired woman in a
>gray sweat shirt jogging up the beach with a man in a black suit
>following her.
Crow: Bill? Leave her alone, Bill! You're in too much trouble
already.
Tom: Marilu Henner and Tommy Lee Jones train for the marathon.
> As she drew closer, Wes read the black words on
>her shirt, "Stanford University." Wes smiled, she was right on
>schedule. There was some advantage to being from the future.
Mike: Already he had indulged in some discreet off-track betting.
>"Good morning, Chelsea," he said.
Mike: o/~ The Earth says hello! o/~
Crow: Hey, when did she get to be a red-head?
Tom: Probably trying to avoid being associated with her parents.
> Chelsea stopped, and her escort skidded to a stop beside
>her. "Wes, when did you get here?"
Mike: [Chelsea] Oh, and this isn't an escort. He's just a
friend. I love only you.
> "Five Minutes ago,"
Tom: Wow. Biblical minutes.
> Wesley said, as he closed the distance
>between them.
Crow: And the secret service guy just stands there, doing nothing.
Mike: He ought to recognize a national security threat like Wesley.
> "What took you so long?" Chelsea asked.
Crow: And why does he have to walk the ten feet? Boy, some master
of time and space.
Mike: You really like thinking small, don't you.
> "Its been three
>months since I last saw you."
Tom: [Chelsea] You couldn't, like, stretch it out even more,
could you?
> "Well you know, I live a couple hundred parsecs and 374
>years away, and it's a hell of a commute," Wesley said smiling as
>Chelsea stepped up to him.
Tom: He's traveling back in time 374 years but he can't manage
the extra three months? And don't give me this "fine
control" line.
> "I know," Chelsea replied, hugging the time traveler. "I
>suppose you aren't going to tell me why you're here again."
Crow: [Wes] I've taken a new job with a guy named Galactus.
Um, you may need to practice looking inedible.
> "That depends on my sister," Wesley responded, enjoying the
>feel of Chelsea in his arms.
Tom: [Robert Duvall] I love the feel of Chelsea in my arms. It
feels like victory.
Crow: Considering that Bill Clinton was annoyed by that article in
Time about Chelsea, what does he feel about this?
Mike: WHY? Just WHY?
Crow: Even Marrissa skinny dipping was better than this!
> "Sister?"
Crow: Yes, Tia Mowry goes solo in the new spin-off sitcom,
"Sister", only on the dubba-dubba-WB.
> "Marrissa's in charge of this mission," Wesley replied,
Mike: [Chelsea] She's the girl you called the Strawberry-Ice
Maiden from Hell with a big ego problem, right?
> as a
>soft beep was heard.
Crow: Fries are done.
> "Stargazer to Crusher," a voice said.
> "I assume that's her now," Chelsea said. "I'll leave you to
>talk to her. Come see me, if you can. I'm at 7631 Armstrong
>Drive."
Tom: [Chelsea] It's one small step for man, and one giant leap
away from those two jerks at home!
Mike: I remember this one Saturday Night Live sketch where Chelsea
used her power to completely dominate those around her. I'm
looking forward to her meeting Marrissa...
> She withdrew from Wesley's arms and resumed her jog, with
>her Secret Service escort behind her.
Tom: An escort, note, who HAD NO PROBLEM LETTING CHELSEA HUG A
STRANGER WHO LOOKS STRANGE, TALKS STRANGE AND WHO MAY HAVE
HAD A GUN IN HIS POCKET!
> Wesley sighed.
Mike: He'd be a lonely boy again tonight.
>Maintaining a long distance relationship was not easy.
Crow: But it's cheaper if you use 10-10-1-800-321-220-976-9000,
then dial 1 and the number.
> "Crusher
>here," he said, answering the call.
Tom: Hi Crusher, I'm Andy, and I'd like to ask you a few
questions about telecommunications.
> "Transporters are now available."
Crow: Why does he need a transporter if he can just--
Mike: Enough already!
> "One to beam up now."
>
Tom: [Marrissa] So instead of going down there to do what you
were supposed to be doing, you decided to chase some
First Daughter tail around the beach instead?
> Marrissa sat at the head of the table in the observation
>lounge receiving the bad news.
Mike: They'd just canceled the new "Fantasy Island".
> Admiral Scott sat to her right,
Tom: Yep, that's bad news.
>and her brother Wesley on her left.
Crow: And that's worse news.
> Lieutenant Ross Lochard, the
>Chief of Security, was next to Wesley.
Mike: *Sigh* I really missed this!
Tom: Really?
Mike: Nah, but it beats heck out of Lavelle's cutesy card dealing.
> At the moment, Lochard
>was telling of his frustrated questioning of the crew of the
>Eagle.
Tom: [Ross] Well, unfortunately they only spoke Pakled, and I
forgot to turn on the universal translator, and, well, I,
um, got mad and vaporized them. Sorry.
> "I'm really getting tired of them calling me a war hawk and
>militarist," Lochard said.
Mike: [Lochard] As far as I'm concerned, anyone who thinks that
the Federation is warlike and militaristic ought to be
taken out and shot.
> "It wouldn't be so bad if they would
>tell me something about what they plan to do, but they won't.
Tom: [Ross] And even that would be tolerable if they didn't keep
singing "I know something you don't know" over and over.
Mike: Well, to be fair, the best way to keep a secret plan a secret
is to not be blabbing it out to every yahoo in a starship.
Crow: Yeah, and Lochard's just a big gossip, anyway.
>The only thing I could get out is what they were saying when my
>security team beamed aboard. 'The prospects of Athena do not look
>good.' That's all I have."
Crow: What does a virgin goddess care about her prospects, anyway?
Tom: Maybe she intends to go prospecting in a mined-out area.
Mike: Or she's a prospective client of somebody.
> "Admiral Scott, what information do we have on the Athena?"
>Marrissa asked.
Crow: [Marrissa] Other than the stuff the computer just told us
when I brilliantly guessed the important event.
Mike: [Scotty] Aye, a fine lassie she be, wi' flashing eyes of
grey...
> "The Athena is a hybrid spacecraft to be assembled in
>orbit," Scotty said.
Crow: Ah, they're going to crossbreed the space shuttle and a rare
blue hydrangea.
> "The first two components were launched by
>the Russians last week. They are the engine and fuel compartment
>and a secondary living space.
Mike: Yep, a 55-gallon drum of Vodka and spare Mir parts add up to
a quality spacecraft.
Crow: Unfortunately, SS Modules take a long time to build, and so
they haven't built any solar panels and their odds of
reaching Alpha Centauri aren't good.
Tom: Well, we know it's destined to blow up when it gets there
anyway...
> The finial component is the Space
>Shuttle Endeavor.
Tom: And nothing makes so lovely a steeple piece as a space
shuttle.
Mike: Yeah, you laugh, but I've seen some churches where it
wouldn't look out of place.
> It will be launched from Cape Canaveral on the
>first, amid a quite a bit of fan fare
Crow: Fan fare (noun): A Piece of music written by
alt.startrek.creative.
> and docked with the rest of
>the Athena on the third."
> "OK, that's their target," Marrissa stated. "We know that
>at least four members of the Eagle's crew are in Florida with a
>24th Century Technology.
Crow: Unfortunately, it was Centauri Empathy, which didn't help out
much on Earth.
> How can we stop them without revealing
>ourselves?"
Mike: Well, if you walk around the beach half naked and drunk, you
could pass for any college student.
> "I have some contacts that may help us," Wesley said.
Mike: They'll help you see!
Bots: [groan].
> "I've
>worked in this time period before.
Crow: And without a visa!
> I know the current President
>and his daughter. They've helped before.
Crow: [Wesley] Well, she has. He mainly helps himself.
Mike: The President's belief in visitations from the future would
explain a lot.
> Since the President
>will be attending the launch, I think he will allow us to be
>added to the Secret Service Advance Team.
Mike: He will? Why?!?
Tom: "Hi, Mr. President, we're from the future and we need access
to yourself and your daughter and several sensitive
high-security government installations. Can we join your Secret
Service Team?"
Crow: [Clinton] Well, sure!! Just grab a gun and join the fun!
> I've still got my
>Secret Service badge anyway."
Tom: Oh, come *on*. It sounds like he keeps it in his junk
drawer with the stamps and ballpeen hammer.
> "OK, how do you suggest we approach President Clinton?"
>Marrissa inquired.
Crow: With your legs crossed and a phaser pointed at his
Slick Willy.
Mike: You just don't even care when you go too far anymore, do you?
Crow: What do you mean, "anymore"?
> "Well his daughter Chelsea is currently an intern at the
>Kennedy Space Center,"
All: An INTERN?!?!?!?!?
Crow: Ow! Ouch! Ow! Ouch! Owieowieowieowie!
Mike: Yeah, I can just see Clinton letting his only daughter be an
*intern* anywhere!
Tom: [Clinton] Just don't let anyone do to you what I do to my
interns, sweetie.
Crow: Hello, Stephen - are you reading the newspapers? Are any
current events filtering into your world?!? What are you
doing?!?!?
> Wesley began. "I can contact her and then
>I suggest that Chelsea and I go talk to her father."
Mike: Providing he's not off bombing Kosovo, or trying to pick up
Britney Spears, or in a Whopper-induced daze or something.
> "I'll agree with that, but I'm coming as well," Marrissa
>said.
> "Respectfully, Captain," Ross began,
Crow: [Ross] Bite me!
> "but you are our
>commanding officer and should not be going into risky
>situations."
Tom: o/~ Just take those old records off the shelf! o/~
Mike: AHHHH!!!! Image! Burned! Into! My! Mind!
Crow: Baseball, Mike. Think of Baseball.
Mike: AHHHHH!!! Stone and Parker! Not acting well! AHHHHHH!!!!!
Tom: Think of Nicole Kidman, Mike.
Mike: Oh. That's better.
> "Lieutenant, I don't think that visiting the President of
>the United States of America is a risky situation," Marrissa
>replied.
Mike: [Marrissa] Except if you're an underaged female intern,
I mean.
> "If you think so, I'd like to know why."
Crow: She's a young, reasonably attractive female going to meet
the Human Viagra Pill. What could possibly go wrong?
>
> Timothy Mann stood outside the Oval Office. His job was to
>guard the President.
Tom: And by "Guard", they mean "Baby-Sit".
> That had not been an easy job.
>Theoretically, everyone had to pass numerous guards to reach the
>President.
Mike: Unless you're a zaftig young aide in a beret and thong.
> Last spring had disproved that theory.
Crow: When the secret tunnel to McDonald's was found.
> Several time
>the First Daughter and her boyfriend had somehow visited without
>passing either.
Tom: "Either?" Two guards is "numerous?"
> It was almost enough to make the head of the
>Presidential Detail wish that the FBI really had an X-Files
>division.
Tom: Yeah, I bet the Secret Service really wants the FBI messing
in their jurisdiction!
Crow: Y'know, I'm not an unreasonable artificial life form, but I'd
just like to state for the record that if Mulder and/or
Scully show up, I'm taking my marbles and going home!
> But Wesley had been given full access and even given Secret
>Service credentials.
Crow: Apparently Director Goofus was in charge that day.
> Mann didn't like this.
Tom: He's not alone.
Crow: Is it standard operating procedure to give all First
Boyfriends Q-Clearance and a Secret Service position, Mike?
Mike: You'd be surprised.
> After all, Wesley
>had no background and claimed to be from the future.
Crow: Well hey, all the more reason to give him a top-level
security clearance.
> He had to
>be crazy.
Mike: Or maybe he's just here to protect Sarah Connor.
> On the other hand, he did have some extraordinary
>talents, and Mann wasn't one to argue with the Commander and
>Chief.
Crow: Despite the fact that Chief was straight from a mental
institution where he claimed to have known Jack Nicholson.
Mike: The "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" riff, Ladies and
Gentlemen.
Tom: So Mann's not da man?
> In his ear came the message,
Tom: Wear sunscreen.
> "First Daughter, Future Guy,
>and companion heading for Oval Office."
All: [snicker]
Mike: These wonderfully inconspicuous code names brought to you
by the Bureau of Hey, Look--We're a Secret Government
Organization (a division of the Department of the Obvious).
> They came into view
>around the corner. Chelsea was wearing a blue polo shirt with
>tan slacks.
Mike: She must auditioning for one of those "Gap Khaki" ads.
> Wesley wore the traditional Secret Service attire of
>a black suit complete with sunglasses.
Tom: [Wesley] You know the difference between you and me? I make
this look *geeky*!
> Behind them was a blond
>girl in a red blouse and black skirt who couldn't be more than 15
>years old.
Mike: "Wag the Dog", anyone?
> Mann knocked on the door and announced, "Chelsea, Wesley,
>and a friend to see you, sir."
>
Tom: Don't bother trying to find out who the third person is, Tim.
Crow: Who's in charge of security around here, anyway, Daffy Duck?
Mike: Hey, for all he knows, she could be Big Bill's latest
"friend."
Crow: Ladies & Gentlemen, President William J. LePetomaine, uh,
Clinton!
> President Clinton was going though the latest intelligence
>reports on Iraq when his daughter and her friends arrived.
Tom: International crisis? Never mind that, it's my daughter's
geeky boyfriend!
>Saddam Hussein was due to make his quarterly defiance of UN
>resolutions, and Clinton intended to head him off this year.
Crow: [Clinton] We'll head that mangy varmint off at the pass,
boys!
Tom: This sounds suspiciously like Stephen and his "Annual Romulan
Crisis" scenario.
Mike: Yeah, but it also sounds depressingly like real life.
> If
>he would have just let the inspectors inspect everywhere back in
>1997, Saddam probably wouldn't be still under the said
>resolutions,
Crow: Who said those resolutions?
Tom: Time to play "Guess What Stephen Meant Here"! Again!
> but who ever said dictators had to be sane.
Crow: Which one - Tom Baker or John Pertwee?
> The President would have asked Chelsea to wait, but So Damn
>Insane didn't seem to be doing anything at the moment,
Tom: Except for invading Syria.
Mike: So Damn Insane? Is that a band?
Crow: Yeah. They sang "I Can Change."
> and she
>had come all the way from Florida without the aid of traditional
>transportation.
Tom: She rode a robotic kangaroo? What the hell is he talking
about?
> Plus Wesley was with her, and if he was with
>her, chances are it was important. "Send them in," Clinton
>ordered, his voice still a little horse from the previous night's
>speeches.
Tom: Sheesh! What is it with Ratliff and horses?
Mike: Uh, Tom...
Tom: I mean, first he makes Marrissa a master jockey - as if
she'd be anything else, of course!
Mike: Now wait a sec-
Tom: Then that Jellico thing ends up at the annual Star Fleet
Derby or whatever...
Mike: I don't think...
Tom: *Then* he publishes short stories based on the triple
crown race, and NOW he's cast a horse as the President of
the Uni-
Mike: [firmly] *Tom!* It's just another misspelling.
Tom: Oh. Well, never mind, then.
Crow: Wound kinda tight, isn't he?
> At least he didn't have to answer any more questions
>about Whitewater.
Crow: Since all the witnesses had left the country - one way or the
other!
> A special prosecutor with too much time on his
>hands was a real pain.
Tom: How *dare* he do the job he had been specifically
commissioned to do?
Mike: Yeah, especially when you've committed perjury and obstructed
justice.
> As for a Congress set on taking him down
>any way they could, the thought still sent chiles down his spine.
Tom: Or Argentinas, or Paraguays...
Crow: So Clinton's spine is made of chiles... corn... chicken...
onions...
>Thankfully, this current Congress seemed to be trying to avoid
>partisan politics.
[All sputter.]
Tom: Boy, even for science fiction that last one defies belief.
Crow: It is now official- Stephen is not living on the same
planet as we are.
Mike: Crow, only Gypsy is living on the same planet as we are.
Crow: Well, fine. If you want to get technical about it.
> His daughter entered in a most exuberant mood. He had to
>admit that his daughter was in love with Wesley,
Mike: Yes, but isn't everybody?
Tom: Shut up.
> but he really
>didn't want her to grow up.
Mike: She'll be the First "Toys 'R' Us Kid" forever!
> Wesley came in behind her.
Tom: Hoping Bill wouldn't throw anything for fear of hitting Chelsea.
> Clinton
>liked Wesley, in fact he'd trust him with his daughter's life.
Crow: Geez! And they used to worry about *Quayle's* judgment!!
>Not that he intended to let Wesley know that. Last came a young
>girl who had an air of command around her, like he'd come to
>expect from his
Crow: Wife?
> better Admirals and Generals.
Crow: It could still be her, you know.
Tom: Plus, she carried a swagger stick and wore combat boots.
> It wasn't a stare
>the pierced your soul,
Mike: Just shriveled it.
> or a stiff ram-rod posture like he'd
>assumed that was a sign of a good commander when he began his
>first term as President.
Crow: You'd need Riker for that, wouldn't you?
> No, it was a comfortable posture and a
>confident expression, with a tint of fear
Crow: Note to self; to appear commanding, look slightly afraid.
> at the new
>surroundings, but determined as well.
Mike: [Marrissa] Hmmm, this will make an adequate headquarters
for my empire in this time period!
> "Chelsea, Wesley, what brings you here, and who is your
>young friend," the President asked, coming around his desk.
Tom: [Clinton] And would she like a private tour of the White
House?
> "We've got another group of interfering time travelers, Dad"
>Chelsea explained.
Tom: [President] Again? Well, put them out by the dumpster with
the others.
> "And this is Wes's little sister, Marrissa
>Picard."
Tom: Would he really consider her his sister? I mean, the only
relationship they actually have is that she was adopted by
the man who married his mother.
Mike: Blended families are so confusing.
> "Then you must be following in your older brother's
>footsteps," Clinton assumed.
Tom: [Marrissa] Yes, I plan to become an annoying little scene
stealer just like the Weasel here.
> "Actually, no," Marrissa said, a glint of amusement in her
>eyes.
Tom: [Marrissa] He's a total incompetent when it comes to people
skills.
> "I'm his commanding officer."
> "Really?" Clinton said in disbelief.
Mike: You'll get used to it, Bill - we did.
Crow: Heaven help us.
> "Mr. President, meet my little sister, Lieutenant Commander
>Marrissa Picard, acting Captain of the USS Stargazer, currently
>in orbit," Wesley said.
Mike: [President] Oh, come on. I can see she's not in orbit,
she's right in front of me.
> "You command a starship," Clinton asked.
Tom: "Yes, I do?" she said.
Crow: ["Riding With Death" guy] It can't beeeeeeee?? You're
deeeead???
> "Technically, I'm Second Officer," Marrissa said. "However
Mike: [Marrissa] The Captain knows who's in charge around here.
>the Captain and First Officer hadn't arrived when we had to chase
>the Eagle back to prevent her from interfering with the past."
Tom: I'd do a Church Lady ref, but after so many Ratliffian plot
contrivances, my heart just isn't in it any more.
Mike: [Marrissa] So I declared a coup d'etat and seized command.
Now, can you guess what I'm *here* for?!?
> "So there is a rogue starship up there whose crew is trying
>to interfere with history," Clinton summed up.
Tom: And a non-rogue starship who are also interfering, but in
a GOOD way.
Crow: [Clinton] I bet that Ken Starr's behind this.
> "Close, I've captured the starship, but several members of
>her crew beamed down with equipment before I could stop them,"
>Marrissa replied. "We think they are after the Athena."
Crow: Other authors would just have said "Marrissa explained the
situation". Not Ratliff! We get every rich, word-packed,
sentence of reiterated plot.
> "Why would they want to harm the first manned mission to
>Mars?" Clinton asked.
Crow: It's part of the vast, right-wing conspiracy, Bill. Just ask
Hillary. In fact, I'll bet these guys are being bankrolled
by Richard Scaife.
Tom: Hey, speaking of Hillary, why haven't we seen her in this
fanfic?
Crow: Maybe it's because Ratliff can only handle one tyrannical,
corrupt, egomaniacal all-powerful woman at a time.
> "As near as we can figure out, some technology or discovery
>was necessary for the some event they don't want to happen,"
>Wesley stated.
Crow: Ummmmm...
Tom: The heck? What does that *mean*?
Crow: I think it means Wesley's high or something.
Mike: This must be the sentence where all Ratliff's extra words go
to die.
Tom: At least there's no "Trp[" in it.
> "For some reason, they don't like Star Fleet, so
>we can't find out more."
Mike: [Clinton] That's nice. Can you possibly be MORE vague?
> "According to our analysts, if the Athena doesn't complete
>it's mission," Marrissa said, "The Federation will not be founded
>in the late twenty-first century.
Mike: Thus making Bill Shatner the beloved Caped Crusader,
ruining Patrick Stewart's "Christmas Carol", and
depriving various former "Benson" cast members of
gainful employment.
Tom: What analysts? You and Ross and Scotty!?!
> Personally, I don't want to
>find out what happens instead."
Crow: Well, the Cardassians, Klingons, and Romulans all unite
together to bring peace and harmony to the universe.
Tom: The Ferengi and Dominion join them to bring enlightenment to
all sentient beings.
Mike: Then the Pakleds wipe them all out with one board with a nail
in it.
> "I will do what I can to help you," the President replied.
Mike: [Clinton] As long as it doesn't require, like, work or a
public commitment or stuff.
>"As I intend to watch the Athena's launch, an increase in Secret
>Service personnel would not be unusual. Since Mr. Mann has
>worked with you before, I'll have him sent to Florida, with
>orders to assist you.
Crow: Mr. Mann? Is he related to "THE Man"?
Mike: So HE'S the one that's been bringin' us down!
> Chelsea, I assume you won't stay out of
>this."
Mike: [Chelsea] No, I'm going to get involved in this for no
reason except that I have an inexplicable attraction to
Wesley.
> "Did I stay out of the Stanford incident?" Chelsea asked.
> "No."
Tom: [Clinton] But a cross-time investigation and a pool party
aren't the same thing, honey.
> "That's your answer," Chelsea said.
Mike: Damn that Ken Starr!!!
[Pause]
Crow: Um, Mike..? What was that about?
Mike: Well, we've been kinda rough on the President, so I decided
to go with a pro-Clinton riff.
Tom: Oh. [pause] Can you go with a funny one next time?
> "Then I trust that you can keep my daughter out of trouble,
>Wesley?" the President said.
> "I'll try... but you know it's a hopeless cause, sir,"
>Wesley said.
Tom: [Wes] It'll still be easier than keeping some chief
executives I know out of trouble!
Mike: [Clinton] What was that?!?
Tom: [Wes] Nothing, sir.
> "Wes, when we get back to the Stargazer, we are going to be
>having a long talk," Marrissa stated.
Tom: She'll be hosting a group discussion forum on "Being a
Weasel While Disrupting the Time Stream"
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers."
Crow: That's what the enlisted men are for.
>"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire"
>
>
>
>From srat...@runet.edu Thu Mar 18 15:50:54 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 07/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 18 Mar 1999 22:50:54 GMT
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 07/11
>
Mike: Home of the $8.25 hot dog!
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Tom: Sadly, Doug Herzog still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>
>101374
Crow: The number of interns Clinton's "interviewed" since taking
office.
>Chapter Six
>
Mike: Pick up sticks!
> The room was not your typical briefing room.
Crow: In fact, it was full of sardine tins.
> You don't
>normally hold briefings around a college student's kitchen table.
Tom: You don't?
Mike: I guess we've been doing it wrong, then.
>However, they needed to include Agent Mann and Chelsea Clinton,
>so they couldn't hold it on the Stargazer.
Tom: Even though they've already breached the rules by telling
them about it.
> So they held it in
>the First Daughter's Kitchen, among dirty dishes (Chelsea was
>washing them as they ran the briefing)
Crow: The future may be at stake, but she's gotta scrub that
saucepan before the macaroni and cheese finally petrifies.
> and the notes for a summer
>research project.
Tom: Unfortunately, since she was staying in a dorm, there were
also six gamers using the table and two jocks microwaving
burritos.
Mike: Hey, since Marrissa & her chums are from the future, I guess
she could say, "I Know What You'll Do Next Summer".
[Pause]
Crow: She could, but...
Tom: It would be wrong.
Crow: Almost as wrong as you saying it, Nelson.
> Marrissa conducted the meeting, in a nice blue jeans
Mike: The grumpy blue ones were in the wash.
> and
>polo shirt, befitting her age.
Crow: What, no bubble gum or all-day sucker?
Tom: What is it with Ratliff and clothes "befitting one's
age"? Is he implying that it would be inappropriate
for Marrissa to wear stiletto heels and a g-string?
[all pause]
Mike: Well, if he's *not*, I'll say it for him!
> Wesley and Agent Mann were both
>in typical Secret Service attire.
Mike: o/~ We are the Loads in Black... o/~
> Chelsea wore a Stanford T-
>shirt with a pair of blue shorts. Seemingly out of place, was
>Lieutenant Lochard, who wore his uniform.
Crow: Boy, Ross isn't exactly the sharpest pattern in the
transporter buffer.
Mike: Well, I did know a guy like that in college.
Crow: What, wore suits when everyone else was casual?
Mike: No, he actually wore a Starfleet uniform everywhere.
> "What does today look like?" Marrissa asked.
Mike: This is one of them metaphysical things, ain't it?
> "At eleven o'clock, we've got a tour scheduled for Prince
>William of Wales, and Princess Beatrice of York," Mann began.
Tom: We're the English countryside, and we're Beatrice.
Mike: I think her name's actually "Beatrix", isn't it?
Tom: How the heck should I know?
Mike: Don't you subscribe to "Royal Watch"?
Tom: Nah, that's Gypsy.
> "I'll be conducting it," Chelsea said.
Crow: [Marrissa] Can I play the piano?
> "Doctor Grissom
>informed me of it yesterday."
> "Is it possible for me to tag along?" Marrissa asked.
> "Why?" Mann asked.
Tom: [Marrissa] The author prefers my perspective, bozo. Plus,
I'll get to laugh at your goofy astrophysicists.
> "I have
Tom: [Marrissa]...an uncontrollable urge to be the center of
everything.
> a personal stake in making sure he survives this
>mess," Marrissa said,
Crow: [Marrissa] He owes me $200!
> cutting off Wesley and Ross, who seemed to
>be about to say something in protest.
> "And that is?" Mann inquired.
Mike: [Marrissa] I'm in love with "Willie". You see, Wes isn't
the only one to have time traveled here before.
Bots: Gah!
Mike: Got ya!
> "William is an ancestor of mine," Marrissa said. "If he
>dies, I will never be born."
[stunned silence]
Crow: William... is... an... ancestor....
Mike: Why am I overly unsurprised at this information?
Tom: I'm torn - on one hand, it's not really his fault, but
on the other, I have this sudden desire to join the
Roundheads.
> "Someone to keep Princess Beatrice entertained would be a
>good idea," Chelsea suggested.
Crow: [Chelsea] I know! Marrissa, explain the Kids Crew to her!
> "I'll run it by the Space Center staff," Mann replied.
Tom: [Mann] I'll see how much is left in their "Royal
Entertainment" budget.
> "In
>the afternoon, Governor Gilmore of Virginia
Mike: AHHHH!!!!
Crow: What?
Mike: First the Kid's Crew, then the Disney songs, then the
horse racing, and now he has Adam Sandler as a Governor?
When will Ratliff's madness end???
> will be taking a tour
Tom: [singing] Of the dark side of the moon...
>along with Senators Robb and Warner, also of Virginia..."
Tom: When did the Midnight Rambler and Yakko get elected?
Mike: I think he means LBJ's son-in-law & Liz Taylor's ex-hubby.
Crow: And will the last elected official to leave Virginia please
turn off the lights?
>
> Chelsea and Marrissa met Prince William and Princess
>Beatrice at the front of the space center. The two royals had
>been traveling one of those bullet proof Rolls Royces that
>governments tended to prefer in the traditional black shade.
Mike: You can just see Marrissa going home and askng Star Fleet
Command why hers is made of Nerf.
> The
>Prince had apparently just finished telling a joke to his cousin,
>who was trying to stop laughing as she climbed out of the car.
Crow: [Beatrice] "Everybody put on their ape suits"! Bloody
hilarious!
>Also greeting the Prince and Princess was the Chief of Operations
Mike: Miles O'Brien?
>and of course the ever present Secret Service Agent of Chelsea's
>(Today being none other than Wesley Crusher.)
Crow: At this point, it's almost foolish to even ask, but *WHY IS
WESLEY FREAKIN' CRUSHER IN THE 20TH CENTURY SECRET
SERVICE?!?!?*
Tom: An aggressive recruitment campaign, maybe?
> The Royals were
>accompanied by four agents of their own Special Air Service.
Tom: Due to a tragic clerical error, the royals were actually
being escorted by four SAS developers.
Mike: All outfitted in dandy red shirts.
> "Welcome to NASA's Kennedy Space Center, your royal
>highnesses. I'm John Smith, director of operations here," a man
>said.
Tom: [Marrissa] Well, he's obviously a spy with a fake name
like that. So, Mr. "Smith," who won the World Series last
year?
Mike: [Smith] And over there is the grandstand for the media
covering the event. The cost of that grandstand is the
reason I'm the only staff member welcoming you today.
> "This is Chelsea Clinton, and Marrissa Picard, they'll be
>conducting your tour today."
Tom: Even though only one of them has actually ever been here
before.
Crow: [Marrissa] And, like, here's some stuff...
> "Chelsea and I have met," William said. "I don't think
>she's met my cousin Beatrice, though."
> "It is a pleasure to meet you, your highness," Chelsea said.
Crow: [Chelsea] Always a pleasure to meet another over-privileged
royal doofus. Speaking of which, here's Marrissa now.
>"I take it you have had a good time here in the United States."
>Beatrice nodded.
Crow: [Beatrice] All the way from the airport to the spaceport,
yes I have. Uh huh.
> "Bea..." William began.
Tom: [Andy Griffith] Now, Aunt Bea...
> "I have, Miss Clinton," Princess Beatrice said.
> "Please call me Chelsea, and don't ever call Marrissa here
>Miss Picard," Chelsea said.
Crow: [Chelsea] For some reason, she only answers to "Cookie-puss".
> "Her older brother tells me that
>people have been thrown over board for less."
Mike: Yep, straight up over the lumber yard.
> "What has Wesley been telling you?" Marrissa said.
Tom: [Chelsea] Well, the phrase "kiss the gunner's daughter"
came up, along with "keelhaul"...
> Before a reply could be made, the sound of automatic weapons
>fire broke out.
Mike: Thank goodness! Neo's arrived!
Crow: He's going to wake us up!
Tom: Huzzah!
> The group dived for cover, with no less than two
>SAS agents landing on top of William.
Tom: [news announcer] Prince William was tragically crushed
underneath four hundred pounds of SAS agent today...
> Wesley, meanwhile had the
>presence of mind to pull out his gun and return fire.
Crow: Marrissa, on the other hand, just stood there and watched the
bullets ricochet harmlessly off her body. She knew she had
friends in high places.
> Good hand
>eye condonation
Mike: Fortunately, his hand was saintly enough to forgive his eye.
> and perhaps a little time outside of time,
Tom: o/~ Cuz time won't give him time, and time makes Wesley
feel, like he can shoot to kill. o/~
>resulted in two shots hitting the gunman, partially concealed
>behind a car outside of the gates, in each shoulder.
Crow: Of course, all his recent travel has dulled his abilities,
but maybe just this once...
> Wesley and
>one of the SAS agents slowly approached the car outside the
>gates, once the shots ended.
Mike: [Wes] Hey you! Do you have a permit to park there?
> The lone gunmen was behind the dark red Buick,
Mike: ...which was parked behind the grassy knoll.
> bleeding
>profusely from his two gunshot wounds.
Tom: [lone gunman] Damnit! Now I'll never get to appear on
another episode of "The X-Files"!
> Wesley picked up the gun
>with a pen kept in his pocket,
Crow: Wow! He must be really limber!
Mike: No, I think Ratliff meant--oh, skip it.
> ordering the SAS Officer, "Get an
>ambulance."
Crow: [SAS Guy] Right-o, weasel-boy!
> Once the man ran back to the Rolls Royce, to use its
>phone, Wesley brought out his modified scanner.
Tom: Right in front of all the media reps too.
> One quick scan
>was all he needed.
Mike: [Wesley] Hey! This guy's been shot!
Crow: Hey! It's Jasper Peaberry!
Tom: Well, no wonder he started shooting! He's jealous of Wes!
> Then Wesley began what first aid he could do.
Tom: Um, Wesley, you don't apply tourniquets to necks.
>He was a doctor's son after all.
Mike: [Wes] Take two aspirins and call the HMO in the morning.
My tee-off time is at 3.
> The ambulance quickly arrived, along with the local police.
>Wesley turned the man over to them, and walked back to Marrissa.
>"Future," was the verdict he informed.
Tom: [Wesley] It's Forsaken.
Mike: Wow. If that sentence were any more stilted we'd have to
raise the ceiling in here.
> "Find out why," Marrissa replied, before the group was
>hustled into the building.
Crow: Wait, lemme write this down: "Find - out - why - future".
Got it.
>
> Marrissa collapsed into the lazy-boy
Tom: Jay Gordon?
> chair
Tom: Oh. Never mind.
> and Chelsea
>slumped on the loveseat, next to Wesley.
[Another uncomfortable silence]
Mike: Please don't use "Wesley" and "loveseat" in the same sentence.
> They had just come back
>from their long day giving tours of NASA to all the politicians
>attending the launch.
Crow: WHAT? Wait, wait, wait!! After an assassination attempt on a
major world figure, shouldn't they evacuate the center, or at
least postpone the launch or something?!?
Tom: Don't go getting all logical on us, Crow.
Mike: Yeah, you'll get nowhere that way in the Ratliffverse.
> "So how was your day, Chelsea?" Wesley
>asked.
Tom: [Chelsea] Well, let's see, after being shot at, I got to spend
the whole day with your control-freak sister, so you tell
*me* how my day was, "Future Boy"!!!
> "OK, especially when compared to poor William," Chelsea
>said.
> "Being shot at tends to ruin a day," Wesley said.
Mike: Being trod on by an elephant tends to hurt.
Crow: Being burnt alive tends to smart.
Tom: Being forced to read Ratliff fanfics tends to register on
the Deep Hurting Scale.
> "That was just the being of it,
Crow: The nothingness of it was even worse!
> but I'm to tired to
>explain," Chelsea said. She picked up the remote. "I'll let the
>news tell it."
>
> The NBC News Theme played in Chelsea's apartment.
[All hum the NBC Nightly News theme]
> Chelsea's
>Security Service Agent came in to standing in the doorway to the
>kitchen, where he could see both Chelsea and the television.
Crow: [agent] Must protect Sony.....uh, Chelsea. Yes, Chelsea.
Mike: Hey, where was he when the bullets were flying?
Crow: Well, be fair - it was either protect Chelsea or watch "Regis
and Kathie Lee".
Tom: I guess that means the Mann *wasn't* holding them back.
> "Tragedy in Ireland, Prince Charles assassinated less than
>an hour after his ascension.
Tom: If he'd just had his ascension, he'd be King Charles.
[Mike faints.]
Crow: Ratliff screwed up someone's title. No wonder it got to the
poor guy.
> Attempted bombing in Florida, man
>found installing bomb on British Royal plane.
Crow: [FST] ...Sonic booms frighten minority groups in Sector B.
[Mike reawakens]
> Senator Warner of
>Virginia announces his candidacy for President.
Tom: Good timing there, John.
Mike: [Warner] DOOM! DISASTER! ASSASSINATION! Hey, why doesn't
anyone notice I'm running for President?
> And tonight, an
>in depth report on the mission to Mars," Tom Brokaw's voice said
>to a series of clips.
Crow: Slow news day, huh?
Mike: Okay, quick - biggest flaw here?
Tom: What's Prince William doing in Florida if his dad just became
King today?
Crow: Why is Chuck being crowned in Ireland instead of England?
Tom: Wouldn't Wakko Warner want to delay his announcement so he
wouldn't be slightly overshadowed?
Crow: Why didn't they delay the big important launch?
Mike: Nope. How come none of them heard about any of this until
Chelsea turned on the TV?
> "NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw. Live from the Kennedy
>Space Center," the announcer said, as the graphics went by.
> Tom Brokaw appeared in his traditional
Mike: ...gorilla suit and space helmet.
> grey suit.
Crow: Brokaw's doing a nickel out at Leavenworth?
> "Behind
>me you can see the Shuttle Endeavor, about to become part of the
>Athena Mission to Mars, which today had it's right rocket booster
>replaced.
Mike: Shouldn't that take more than a day?
Tom: Nah. They've starting using those insty-snap-on rocket
boosters.
> More on that later, but first, our lead story, the
>tragedies suffered today by the British Royal Family.
Crow: [Brokaw] But they're all oversexed degenerates, so like,
who cares, eh?
> At one
>minute to four, local time,
Mike: *Whose* local time?
Tom: Depends on where you are.
Mike: Oh, okay, I was jus-
Mike & Crow: Huh?!?
> Queen Elizabeth the Second of Great
>Britain and Northern Ireland died of a heart attack. She was
>seventy-three. This unexpected death was followed by an even
>more tragic event.
Mike: The premiere of a new Carrot Top movie.
> Her son and heir, who intended to go by the
>title
Tom: "Big Daddy Comfort".
> King Charles III,
Crow: Having being talked out of changing his name to "The Prince
formerly known as Charles".
> had just been informed and left the
>hospital that he had been touring in Northern Ireland.
Mike: [Tour guide] That's a sick person - that's a sick person -
that's a *really* sick person - that one's just a
hypochondriac...
> Just as
>he exited, he was shot by an unknown assassin. He was
>immediately rushed back into the hospital's emergency room where
>he expired..
Crow: Well, the Crown Prince has gone sour. We better toss him out.
Tom: Boy, Stephen's little story's suddenly taken a turn for the
macabre!
> He was fifty.
Crow: And thus well past his sell-by date.
Tom: What does Stephen have against the Royal Family, anyway?
Mike: Maybe he's still bitter about the whole taxation without
representation thing.
> A search was immediately begun by
>authorities and all fights from the island were grounded by both
>British and Irish authorities.
Mike: There's a solution to the Northern Ireland problem no one's
suggested yet...just ground everyone for fighting.
> Our Stone Phillips, has the story.
Crow: [Phillips] No, I don't. Leave me alone. Back to you, Tom.
Tom: What kind of name is "Stone" anyway?
Crow: It's kinda like Stone Crushhead!
Tom: Or Stone Slamblast!
Mike: Or Stone Lumberhammer!
> Thank you Tom. Tragedy upon tragedy seems to be heaped upon
>the British Royal Family in the past couple of years.
Crow: Not that they haven't brought a lot of it on themselves,
or anything.
> This
>morning brought a new double dose of it. The Queen died while
>taking her tea, of an apparent heart attack.
Tom: Actually, the British take their tea around 4 in the
afternoon, not in the morning.
Mike: [Picard] Tea, Earl Grey, hoARGH!! *thud*
Crow: [Stone] The rumours that the tea was spiked by Lyndon
LaRouche who made off in a black U.N. helicopter are
completely unfounded, claim the Masons from their base
at the Pyramids.
> Meanwhile her son,
>Prince Charles was touring the new children's wing of the Belfast
>Hospital. He was informed of his mother's death outside the
>cancer ward.
Mike: His mother died outside the cancer ward? But I thought
she was taking tea.
Tom: Never mind all this...apparently there's a cunning ring
of quotation mark thieves operating in NBC's studios.
> Less than a half an hour later, King Charles III's exit from
>the Hospital was greeted with gunfire.
Crow: Maybe he should have paid his bill first.
Mike: Yeah, these new HMOs are really getting testy.
> He took two shots to the
>chest.
Crow: And twelve to the ears.
> The King was rushed back into the hospital were he died
>at seventeen minutes past five local time, some seven hours ago.
Tom: Would it be a breach of sensibilities to point out that he
wasn't King yet because he hadn't been crowned?
Mike: Probably.
> His assassin escaped into the crowds, but both Ireland and
>Great Britain immediately closed down all flights and began
>inspecting all ships leaving port.
Bots: ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!?!?
> When asked to explain the
>unprecedented moves by Irish and British authorities, the Irish
>President had the following statement.
Mike: [Irish accent] Faith'n'begorrah, me lads! Wurrah wurrah
wurrah!
Tom: Right, Mike.
Mike: Because, see, he's Irish.
Crow: We get it, Mike.
> "Ireland may no longer be
>under the British Crown and in fact has had many difficulties
>with the British in the past,
Mike: Which is rather like saying "Race Relations in the 60's were
a little strained".
> however, when it comes to killing
>or attacking the Royal Family, especially the King, we will do
>everything in our power to make sure anyone foolish enough to try
>will never get away with it.
Crow: Unless they have a starship or something, hehehe.
> Ireland is committed to peace.
Tom: [Irish] And we'll bloody kill anyone who says otherwise!
>It's time that everyone realize that it is time to move on.
Crow: It's time to see that it's time to know that it's finally
time for us to accept that it's time for Timer.
Tom: Does anybody *really* know what time it is?
> I
>had hoped that we were beyond such childish attacks, but I see
>some still cling to old hatreds."
Mike: That's why we've invented new Hatred-Free Static Sheets, for
use in your dryer.
Crow: Gee, ancient hatreds still festering in Europe - who'd have
thought it?
> Just a half-an-hour ago a trio consisting of Catholic
>Priest, a former member of the British Royal Navy, and a
>housewife, delivered the assassin to a police station in Dublin.
Tom: It's Father Flanagan, Captain Hornblower, and Mrs. Non-
Gorilla!
Crow: I bet there's a story behind that.
Mike: Yeah, a really banal and over-cliched story!
>The assassin has been identified as Ian O'Toole,
Crow: And he's so Irish, it hurts.
> a known IRA
>member from Dublin. Irish officials immediately turned him over
Mike: ...to look for the tattoo on the back of his neck.
>to British authorities. O'Toole had be release from prison as a
>result of the Peace Agreement.
Tom: [Stone] O'Toole later announced he was joining the Maquis.
> Prime Minister Tony Blair has indicated that O'Toole will be
>prosecuted to the maximum extent under law.
> Stone,
Tom: Stone Hugelarge!
Mike: Stone Manfist!
Crow: Stone Ironthrob!
> what is the maximum penalty for murder in Great
>Britain?
Crow: Having to actually eat English food.
> Tom, since it was the King who died, this is a capital
>offense.
Mike: o/~ I shot the King, and they say it is a capital offense...o/~
Tom: Actually, he wasn't king *yet*.
Crow: Details, details.
> The British have never repealed the ancient laws
>concerning an attack on their monarchs.
Crow: They're kind of funny that way.
Mike: Remember, in England - kill a Butterfly, go to jail.
> What is the public opinion about this attack?
Tom: [Stone] Polls show they oppose it, 64% - 29%, with 5%
undecided, and 2% who thought Prince Charles was, quote,
"a kind of fish".
> Britain tonight is a nation in shock. I don't think anyone
>has had the time to think yet.
Mike: [Stone] Which may be why Parliament just elected Jesse
Ventura as the new Prime Minister. Prime Minister Ventura's
response was said to have been a "Woo-hah".
> It was a one two punch to the
>British and the monarchy today, and they have yet to get up off
>the floor.
Tom: So they got knocked down, but they'll get back up again?
Mike: You ain't never going to keep them down.
> Just a hour ago, Prince Andrew and Prince Henry
>entered the hospital where King Charles died to pick up his body
>for the trip back to London where he will be lain in state beside
>his mother the Queen.
Crow: You know, you'd think they could at least hire some workmen
and not make the princes do all their own lifting.
> As they entered the hospital, by the same
>entrance as his father had been shot at, Prince Harry paused to
>place a single white Irish rose where the sidewalk had been
>nicked by one of the bullets fired at his father.
Mike: Meanwhile, Vicky Vale is snapping a picture of Prince
Harry as he stands there in Crime Alley.
> Since then
>it's been joined by many more, as every passing person has
>seemingly stopped to leave their own white rose.
Crow: Boy, the florists must be raking in the dough.
Tom: Maybe one of the florists killed Prince Charles so that
he and the missus could take a trip to Torremolinos.
Mike: Well then, I hope Ratliff writes a scene where the
murderous florist has to flee a pursuing mob and
anti-royalists shout encouragement from the sidelines.
[pause]
Crow: Okay, I'll bite. Why, Mike?
Mike: Because then Stephen can have them shout "Run, florist,
run!"
[Pause]
Tom: Mike, did the time travel activate your 'bad pun' gene?
> Thank Stone, Stone Phillips,
Mike: Stone Beefhunk!
Crow: Stone Ripface!
Tom: Stone McChestmuscle!
> live from Belfast. We have to
>break for commercials. When we come back, more on the events
>surrounding the British Royal Family, and later, the manned
>mission to Mars.
>
All: o/~ It doesn't matter what comes, fresh goes better with
life... o/~
> Welcome back,
Crow: Hey, wait! We want more commercials!
Tom: Yeah, I just can't get enough of that Taco Bell pooch
and the Jedi Colonel!
> earlier we told you about the deaths of Queen
>Elizabeth II and her son King Charles III,
Tom: Even though he wasn't and *never will be* Charles III!!!!
> but what about the new
>king?
Crow: [Stone] Well, he died too, and in a tragic way. The Coroner
reports that he appears to have overdosed on strawberry
juice. Witnesses report a girl in a "Star Trek" costume
fleeing the scene.
Mike: So is Ratliff going to make us sit through the WHOLE DAMN
newscast??
Tom: Sigh. Looks like it.
> Charles's oldest son, William was touring NASA's Command
>and Control Center, here at Cape Canaveral when he was informed
>of his ascension.
Mike: Until today, he had been playing in the Windsors' AAA Team.
> He had just escaped an attempt on his and his
>cousin, Princess Beatrice's life.
Mike: The Boulder Police Department, who have inexplicably been
given control of the case, have yet to rule out a connection
to the events in England.
> The young King, who will be
>crowned as William the fifth, after consulting with Prime
>Minister Blair,
Mike: [William] Now, you're sure I'm the fifth, Tony? I mean,
it'd be a bloody pain to change all the stationery.
> ordered his plane to be readied to return him to
>London. However, a prudent inspection revealed that the plane
>had been rigged to explode.
Crow: An imprudent one revealed it was made of metal.
> Members of the FBI and Secret
>Service are assisting British Special Air Service Officers in the
>investigation.
Mike: [Brokaw] The Prince has specifically requested aid from
Gillian Anderson and Rene Russo.
> However, King William has chosen to delay his
>return home until after the launch of the Endeavor.
Tom: [William] Never mind the national crisis and my dead father
and grandmother, lads - I wanna see the big rockets!
> He will be
>addressing his subjects around the world at one in the afternoon
>eastern daylight time, after the Endeavor is launched.
Crow: [Stone] He will then be appearing at the Orlando Hilton
during Happy Hour for the next two weeks.
> Yesterday, our Jane Pauley interviewed then Prince William
>for a feature that was to air on Dateline NBC tonight. In it,
Mike: [Brokaw] She accused the Prince of tending to roll onto his
side and explode on impact.
>she asked what he thought of becoming King. Tonight, King
>William the Fifth, in his own words...
>
Tom: [William] Saddle up the Royal Steeds, Bunsworth! Let's
go hit the peasants up for more taxes!
> Chelsea shut off the television.
>
[All applaud]
> "That is a bad day," Wesley remarked.
Mike: That's about as profound as Wesley gets.
> "Yes, but it could have been worse," Marrissa said.
Tom: [Marrissa] *I'm* still here, after all, and that's
what's important.
> "The
>President has moved William and Beatrice to the safest place he
>could find.
Crow: Hillary's bedroom. He *knows* nothing ever happens there!
Tom: Not for the last two years, at least!
Mike: *sigh* I wonder if Al Gore or Liddy Dole will ever invite us
to the White House?
> The aircraft carrier Enterprise is off the coast,
Crow: The psychic Enterprise laid in wait off the coast. It's
time would come. It's time would come.
> as
>part of a naval honor guard,
Tom: It's a nuclear wessel.
> and it's a lot harder to take down
>someone on a ship than on shore.
Mike: [Marrissa] Wes, why are you asking me to watch "Crimson Tide"
and "Hunt for Red October"?
> Now what motives did you find
>for this attack?"
Tom: [Wesley] We think that someone may have a thing against the
Royal Family of Britain. But it could be just a coincidence.
> "We searched the records for descendants of William and
>Beatrice for any project and names of Athena," Wesley said. "We
>came up with five matches.
Crow: [Wesley] Athena, Athena, Athena, Athena and Vince. We're 80%
sure about this.
> Princess Athena, born 2053, died
>2126, noted diplomat.
Mike: He invented the "lock them all in the same room" concept of
diplomacy.
> Captain Henry Carvelle, a descendant of
>Beatrice's who as Captain of the Athena made the first Prime
>Directive breach.
Tom: [Wesley] He tried to involve the natives of Altair IV in an
Amway sales scheme. It was a real embarrassment to the
Federation. Plus, he made delicious soft-serve ice cream.
We're not quite sure how that figures in yet.
> Athena Weapons Research Project, which had two
>descendants on it in 2224.
Mike: Oh yeah, that was when they tried to develop a nuclear-
powered potato gun and the infamous "Strawberry Juice
Phaser".
> Heather Athena Grenville, descendant
>of William, noted writer.
Mike: She held the prestigious "Ratliff Chair" at Radford U.
> Mary Athena Green, founder of Peace at
>any Price movement, 2335, descendent of William."
Crow: Eventually, peace was had for $349.97, and two players to be
named later.
Mike: [Wesley] And by five, I mean six, apparently.
> "I think we can rule out the writer," Marrissa said.
>"People don't go back in time to stop writers."
[The bots turn to stare at Mike.]
Mike: Look, I said I'm sorry, okay?
> "Burning the books is bad enough," Chelsea remarked.
>
Crow: Better to post 'em on the Internet. That way, they'll
never get read.
Tom: But, but- that doesn't explain killing the Queen and
Charles!
Mike: Easy, buddy, easy.
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
Crow: Ahem. And now, a Stephen Ratliff Haiku:
Keeps A.S.C. FAQ.
Also maintains the index.
A.S.C.A. King.
Mike: *sniff* That was beautiful, Crow.
>"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers."
>"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire"
>From srat...@runet.edu Thu Mar 18 15:50:54 1999
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 07/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Date: 18 Mar 1999 22:50:54 GMT
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
Tom: For "GAAAAH!!!!"
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 07/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Tom: Just like that!
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>
>101374
Mike: The number of spots all up and down Ezri!
Crow: Oh, like you'd ever be able to find out!
Mike: Yeah, well, in my dreams, anyway.
>Chapter Seven
>
Tom: [announcer] And the readers STILL haven't scored!
> Marrissa returned to the Stargazer, hoping to get a good
>night's sleep, before the day of the launch. She hoped it was
>the Athena they were after, and the Royals were merely a
>distraction.
Mike: Because it would be humiliating to admit she screwed up in
choosing her priorities.
> But before she could prove that, she had to talk to
>some people. "Doctor Johnson, Admiral Scott, report to my
>office," she ordered.
Tom: It's the return of Dr. Jackson Jason Judson Jetson Jawbreaker
Jackalope Johnson, Junior.
> Scotty arrived first, but Doctor Johnson wasn't far behind.
>"What can we do for you, Marrissa?" Doctor Johnson asked.
Mike: [Marrissa] Do you think I should wear my red dress or yellow
dress to the prom? [giggles]
> "Has that guy we brought up talked any?" Marrissa asked.
Crow: [Johnson] Yep. In fact, he's conducting a filibuster even
as we speak.
> "He's been real quiet," Johnson said. "Says nothing but
>complaints on my doctoring skill."
Crow: [Johnson] Says also I'm hard to understand due to the unusual
word usements I structure.
> "Oh?" Marrissa said, wondering.
> "He doesn't like the fact I'm keeping him immobilized until
Mike: [Johnson] ...he says "Uncle".
>his shoulders heal," the Doctor replied.
Crow: [Johnson] Apparently the good, firm handshake I greet him
with doesn't meet with his approval either.
> "Standard procedure
>when they've been shattered like that. What was Lieutenant
>Crusher firing?"
Tom: The proofreader, apparently.
> "I'm not sure?" Marrissa said, as she turned toward the
>Admiral.
Mike: He should consider himself lucky. If Marrissa had been
the one shooting, there'd be nothing left of the poor guy
but a smoking pair of shoes.
> "So, Scotty, were you involved in today's emergency
>booster repair?"
> "Aye," Scotty said.
Mike: [Scotty] An' we finally got that five-year old seated at
Shoney's!
> "And why did I end up hearing about it on the Evening News
>first?" Marrissa asked.
Tom: You mean after they switched it off?
> "You were unavailable at the time, and we had to act quick,"
>Scotty said. "Our friends from the Eagle scored the area near
>the O-ring that failed during the Challenger disaster.
Crow: It passed the math and biology sections, but it had
problems with Language Usage.
> If it
>hadn't been caught, the Endeavor would have been destroyed."
Crow: I wonder why it wasn't "destoryed"?
Tom: Because Steve finally invested in a spellchecker, but not one
that can tell the difference in "course" and "coarse".
Crow: Okay.
> "Good work," Marrissa said. "Did you finish work on
>Wesley's temporal displacement scanner?"
> "Aye, and a lovely piece of design it was," Scotty said.
Mike: [Scotty] It'll unscramble any premium movie channel y'can
name!
> "Give a half dozen copies to Lieutenant Lochard, and have
>him and Agent Mann organize a search for our displaced persons,"
Tom: So how many persons will this story have to displace
before it can float?
Crow: There aren't that many people in the universe, Servo!
>Marrissa ordered. "Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get a
>good night's sleep, tomorrow is going to be a very busy day."
>
> Boris was an Engineer.
Mike: He'd brought bananas for lunch again.
> He didn't know much about how to
Crow: ...talk to girls or bathe or stuff.
>attack things and change history.
All: o/~ Don't know much about history,
Don't know military strategy... o/~
> He did know a lot about
>plastic explosives, missiles, and lasers though.
Tom: Do they have pocket protectors and thick-rimmed glasses
in the 24th century?
> That was why he
>had been brought into this conspiracy.
Crow: Boris - The Blowing-Things Up Guy!
> He really didn't care
>about its success or failure.
Mike: Y'know, you just can't buy the kind of enthusiastic
loyalty Lyam inspires in his followers!
> So he only reluctantly wished
>"James T. Kirk" and "Jean-Luc Picard" luck when they departed for
>their last attempt.
Crow: Then he kicked "Quark" and "Odo" out of the room, and got
ready for his date with "Seven of Nine".
> Then he plopped down on the bed in front of
>the TV set and turned on the History Channel.
Tom: [Boris] Geez, another WWII show? I was hoping "Knights
and Armor" would be on.
> They were having a
>neat series on the development of missile technology this week
Mike: And he was having a good laugh at how primitive they were
back now.
>and he didn't want to miss tonight's installment.
Tom: Having missed all the others due to being 350 years in
the future...
> So it was with
>annoyance that he greeted the two men that knocked on the door.
Mike: He's gonna blow up those "Watchtower" guys!
Tom: Good.
> Both were dressed in black suits with red ties.
Mike: Hi, I'm R. This is W.
> Both wore
>dark sunglasses.
Crow: They're either from the FBI or the Mafia.
Tom: Same thing.
> They pulled out their wallets, opening them to
>reveal their badges.
Crow: [basso] Agents Load and Load, of the Federal Bureau of Loads!
> "Agents Mann and Lochard, United States
>Secret Service.
Mike: Division Six.
Crow: [Mann] And before you ask, this badge is NOT one of those
plastic ones you get down at the toy store, no sirree.
> Would you be Mister James T. Kirk, Mister Jean-
>Luc Picard, or Mister Pavel Chekov?"
Mike: Sorry. My name's Walter Skinner.
Crow: Damn! Wrong fanfic again!
> "I'm Chekov," Boris said,
Mike: And this is my Uncle Vanya.
> after the pause it took for him to
>remember the name he had been registered under.
Tom: [Boris] By the way, the Corps is Mother, the Corps is Father.
> He noticed that
>Agent Lochard had just put a small device back in his pocket.
Tom: Hey, Ross is into Pokemon!
> "Would you happen to know where Misters Kirk and Picard
>are?" Agent Mann asked.
Crow: In the Nexus, with that "Clockwork Orange" guy.
> "I believe they went fishing," Boris said. "That is why we
>came to Florida."
Tom: [Boris] And not to change history or anything! Nope!
Definitely not! Did I mention my name was Chekov yet?
> "I sure you did," Agent Lochard replied. "Would you please
>come with us. We have some questions we'd like answered back at
>the office."
Tom: [Lochard] What kind of bait do you use to catch those big
marlins, anyway?
Mike: Have you given to United Way yet, you *punk*?!?
> To his credit, Boris made no attempt to resist, even when
>the transporter beamed him directly into the Stargazer's brig.
Tom: Because resistance was futile.
Crow: Okay, everyone who *didn't* see that joke coming the second
they read the word "resist" raise your hands.
Tom: That leaves us out.
>Agents Lochard and Mann then searched his room before returning
>to their headquarters in Chelsea's apartment.
Crow: [Lochard] We found detailed blueprints for a time machine, an
RPG launcher, 8000 fully charged phasers, and a metric ton of
weapons- grade plutonium.
Mike: [Mann] Well, that's not really enough to-
Crow: And some kind of singing sunflower.
Mike: That's it! Slap him in irons and lose the key!
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
Crow: Why does Stephen show us this every time?
Tom: He's afraid we might forget some part of it.
[pause]
Crow: Um, forget part of what?
Tom: *sigh* You're not helping, Crow!
>"Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers."
>"Not usually, anyway." -- Bashir and Odo, ST:DS9 "Field of Fire"
Tom: So - at this point I think we've pretty well established that
Starfleet officers do not go around *murdering* other officers.
Mike: Well, not usually, anyway.
>From srat...@runet.edu Thu Apr 01 08:53:58 1999
>Path: ix.netcom.com!news.maxwell.syr.edu!
Crow: Good to the last post!
Tom: Huh. I swear that I just heard two Crows saying that.
Mike: The fic's getting to you, Tom.
>news-peer1.sprintlink.net!news-in-east1.sprintlink.net!
>news.sprintlink.net!hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!
Mike: Aaaaa! The SLA's taken over Virginia!
>newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.startrek.creative.all-ages
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 8/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>Date: 1 Apr 1999 15:53:58 GMT
Tom: Suddenly it all makes sense... this whole story was one big,
elaborate April Fool's Day joke!
Crow: Sure, Tom. Whatever you say.
>Organization: Radford University
>Lines: 96
>Approved: as...@pnx.com
>Message-ID: <7e04qm$b...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Xref: ix.netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:107474 alt.startrek.creative.
>all-ages:1745
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 8/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Tom: Sadly, though, Tom Green still exists.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>
>
>101374
Mike: The latest count of people itching to slap Wesley silly.
>Chapter Eight
>
Crow: Great.
Tom: Hate.
Mike: Fate.
Crow: Date.
Tom: Late.
Crow: Really? I'd better go.
Mike: No.
Crow: Oh?
Mike: Doh!
Tom: Ho ho ho!
> Lyam Sympton stood on the deck of the small boat.
Tom: I must go down to the sea again, to the lonely sea and sky;
And all I ask is a tall ship and an anti-Starfleet guy.
> His
>companion in crime was at the helm. He took in a deep breath of
>the sea air
[All inhale deeply, then start coughing, gagging, etc.]
> and turned to look at the launch pad. He lined up
>the sights on the launcher
Tom: And realized that a man standing in a small boat overtly
carrying a rocket launcher while near an American warship
is pretty darned obvious.
> and waited for the launch to begin.
Mike: Pssst--Lyam! You have to push the button on the launcher
before any launching actually takes place. Hope this helps.
>Three minutes to go.
Crow: He's gonna get awfully tired holding the space shuttle all
by himself.
> He looked back at his companion. The man was still wearing
>that ridiculous "My Hero, my Captain" t-shirt.
Mike: Yeah, it's much less stylish than Lyam's "Big Johnson" shirt!
> Lyam thought that
>the shirt made him stand out instead of blend in, but James
>insisted on wearing his Garret t-shirt.
Tom: It read, "Book 'em, Dano!"
> Lyam was sure that the
>body attached to Garret's head wasn't hers, and really should
>someone against Starfleet wear or even own such a shirt.
[All laugh]
Tom: So apparently, Starfleet can conquer any threat except Adobe
Photoshop!
Mike: I hear they really cracked down on all that since Alyssa
Milano made Fleet Admiral.
Crow: And, of course, when Picard got one of those and tried to
paste Kirk's toupee onto his head.
> After
>all, Garret, no matter how noble her death had been, was one of
>those accursed Prime Directive breaking Captains of the
>Enterprise.
Tom: Geez, again with the Enterprise! About the only one Lyam
hasn't taken a verbal poke at is Pike!
Mike: Servo! Shush! You're putting ideas in you-know-who's head!
> Beyond James and the small craft was Lyam's real worry
>though.
Mike: Syndication rights.
> Apparently President Clinton had decided that an honor
>guard of ships should be off the shore when the Endeavor
>launched. The aircraft carrier Enterprise had been in off the
>coast for several days.
Mike: The accursed Prime Directive breaking aircraft carrier
Enterprise?
Crow: Oh, *I* get it! It's the "Enterprise", cuz, see, it's a
Star Trek story!!!
Tom: You forgot to wind him before we started this, didn't you?
> She and her battle group could easily
>take down his attempt, if the cloaking device didn't work. Two
>minutes to go.
Mike: And it's 2nd and 6, with Green Bay on the Raiders' 33!
>
> Wesley Crusher stood on board the aircraft carrier
>Enterprise.
Crow: The boy stood on the burning deck, his pants were made
of cotton...
> The President had chosen to watch the launch from
>the ship, and Wesley and Chelsea had joined him. Wesley was also
>using a discrete scanner to try to detect the two unaccounted for
>ENE members.
Tom: Yeah, but all he's picking up is the Miami police band.
> He had built the time traveler detector drawing on
>his own experience time traveling and working for Temporal
>Investigations.
Mike: Plus, he'd read a lot of "Encyclopedia Brown" books!
> Scotty had helped him finial get it into a
>working model, but it had some limitations.
Crow: He forgot to take into account that *everyone* is
traveling forwards in time, so there are a lot of
false positives.
Mike: Plus, lugging around that warp core reactor to power it
was really annoying!
> The range was just
>under a mile, so it really couldn't be used from orbit.
Tom: Well, from a very *low* orbit, maybe...
> The
>device beeped.
Mike: And they couldn't fix this?
> The scanner had detected two time travelers.
Mike: Oh, Ratliff's no longer listing product defects and we're now
back to the "action."
Tom: Try and keep up, willya?
Crow: [Wesley] And we've found...Katherine and Ross. Good one,
guys.
> He
>queried the Stargazer for a view of the area.
>
Crow: Of course, he could have just logged into MapQuest, but Wesley
liked doing things the hard way.
> One minute to go. Lyam made the final adjustments and stood
>back.
Tom: Why can't he just shoot at the shuttle on the pad?
Mike: Probably heat-seeking.
Tom: OK, if ENE could sabotage the Endeavour, why not just blow it
up right there?
Mike: Pass.
> In the distance, a Coast Guard Cutter turned and began
>bearing down on the ENE craft.
Crow: Then, in a startling plot twist, the Devil Fish appeared.
> James saw and pointed out the
>cutter. It would be too late. Forty-Five seconds. Lyam cleared
>the forward deck and moved behind the splash shield.
Crow: Now his salad would be entirely safe from errant sneezes.
Tom: So they haven't wondered why their ship hasn't called them, or
why they can't contact it, or anything?
Mike: Don't forget: Ratliff villain = room-temperature IQ.
> Thirty seconds. A girl in scuba gear climbed up the forward
>portside ladder,
[All groan]
Tom: Lovely. Now she's a SEAL.
Crow: Hey, Stephen! Tell us again how Marrissa's not an avatar
for Jack Ryan!
> and two men similarly dressed came over the rear
>end.
Tom: Well, then.
Mike: Uh-huh.
Crow: Too easy.
> The ENE members turned to engage the two men.
Tom: Much to the consternation of their existing fiances.
Mike: And then they had a bridal tea, and a lovely time was had by
all.
> Meanwhile
>the girl pressed her communicator up against the launcher and
>said, "Now"
Mike: Now? We're at now now?
Crow: Go back to then.
Tom: We can't.
Crow: Why?
Tom: We missed it.
Mike: When?
Tom: Just now.
Crow: When will then be now?
Tom: Soon.
> Ten seconds, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three,
>two, one.
Crow: o/~ Earth below us, drifting, falling... o/~
> The Endeavor launched from it's pad off in the
>distance. But the missile launcher was no more than a pile of
>ash.
Tom: I wonder why Ratliff didn't bother to tell us how the missile
launcher was destroyed.
> ENE's attempt had failed.
Mike: For some reason, I'm getting "Generations" flashbacks here.
> The space shuttle Endeavor rose on it's way to orbit and
>eventually, Mars.
Mike: You know, it's a good thing that NASA doesn't have a Kid's
Crew.
Crow: That's nice, Mike.
Mike: Because then they'd be bringing kids on the Athena.
Tom: Fascinating, Mike.
Mike: And we all know that Mars ain't the kind of place to
raise your kids...
Crow: We don't care, Mike.
Mike: In fact, it's cold as hell...
Bots: Shut up Mike!
> The girl pulled down the head covering on her
>gear, revealing her long blond hair.
Tom: [announcer] Tonight, on "Lisa Kudrow, D.E.A."...
> She pulled it out from
>under the suit and turned to the shocked and now handcuffed ENE
>members.
Crow: See?!? Read it out of context, and that's a really NC-17 type
of sentence.
Tom: You gotta get a new hobby, Crow!
Crow: Oh, that's convincing, coming from the Underwear King!
> "Lieutenant Commander Marrissa Picard of the Star Fleet
>Carrier USS Stargazer," she introduced herself.
Mike: Then she introduced 'Kirk' and 'Picard' to every person
in south Florida.
> "You would be
>Misters Lyam Sympton and James Kirk?" They nodded.
Tom: [Marrissa] Can I have an autograph, Mr. Kirk? I've always
been a big fan...
> "On behalf
>of Temporal Investigations, I'm taking you into custody on
>charges of first degree temporal interference, attempted murder,
>and hijacking.
Tom: ATTEMPTED murder?!? Then who shot Prince Charles, Ted
Nugent?
Mike: [Marrissa] And for William Shatner's Tekwars, James Kirk!
Not to mention love in the first degree!
> The United States Coast Guard will transfer you
>to the local jail where we will take you to the Stargazer.
Crow: Boy, how'd you like to be the guard that has to sign *those*
transfer papers?
Mike: Why can't they just beam them directly into the brig like
they did ol' Boris whatsisname?
> You
>have a right to remain silent.
Mike: Y'know, you do too, Marrissa.
> Anything you say can and will be
>used against you. You have a right to counsel from your proper
>time. If you can not afford or find counsel, one will be
>provided for you..."
Tom: I guess she just read them their USS Miranda rights.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble Awards?
>
Tom: No! We've already done that! You can't make us do it again!
>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
Mike: Hey guys? I need to get some popcorn. I'll be right
back.
[Mike exits.]
Crow: Wow. We can get popcorn now?
Tom: Cool. We should have asked for some.
>From srat...@runet.edu Sat Apr 17 13:19:41 1999
>Path: ix.netcom.com!su-news-hub1.bbnplanet.com!news.gtei.net!
>logbridge.uoregon.edu!
Tom: Now *that's* what I call "Primitive Computing
Architecture"!
Crow: Yeah, when their programs develop bugs, they're termites!
>hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
Tom: Not-for-anything, as far as that goes!
Crow: Mike better hurry up and get back in here. He's missing
the story.
Tom: Lucky him.
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
Crow: As played by Anthony Hopkins.
Tom: He's good in any role.
[The words on the screen suddenly flicker.]
Crow: What was that?
Tom: Power surge?
>Therefore, when the breakfast was done and cleared away,
Tom: Good Stephen. Start the story in the middle of the
headers. Nice work.
>and he and the Doctor were left together,
Crow: The doctor? Was Crusher on the Stargazer?
Tom: Not that I know of. Maybe it's *the* "The Doctor."
> Mr. Lorry said,
Bots: Who?
Crow: Stephen, this is a little late in the story to
introduce new characters.
>feelingly:
>
>"My dear Manette,
Tom: Manette?
Crow: I think that's Jay's housekeeper. Or Clinton's new
intern. Heck, I don't know.
> I am anxious to have your opinion, in
>confidence, on a very curious case in which I am deeply
>interested; that is to say,
Crow: [Lorry] Tell me what you know, hot stuff.
> it is very curious to me;
Tom: This whole thing is curious to me.
Crow: I think the text flow got interrupted, or something.
>perhaps, to your better information it may be less so."
[The text flickers again.]
Crow: What is going on?
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.startrek.creative.all-ages
Tom: It looks like we're back to normal now.
Crow: I guess that's a good thing.
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 10/11 (Marrissa Stories)
Crow: Wait, that can't be right.
Tom: You don't think...?
Bots: Mike.
Crow: Ooh. He's going to pay for this.
>Date: 17 Apr 1999 19:19:41 GMT
>Organization: ASCA Moderation Team
>Lines: 100
>Approved: as...@pnx.com
>Message-ID: <7famsd$e...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: rucs2.sunlab.cs.runet.edu
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Xref: ix.netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:108706 alt.startrek.creative.
>all-ages:1766
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 10/11
>
[Mike re-enters]
Mike: Hi guys. I got my drink of water.
Crow: You mean popcorn, don't you?
Mike: Oh. Um, they were out.
Tom: Uh-huh.
Crow: And you meddled in God's domain again, didn't you?
Mike: No! Of course not!
Tom: Uh-huh. Then Chapter Nine just disappeared on it's own?
Mike: Chapter Nine disappeared? Wow. Imagine that.
[Silence. Then Mike begins to stand up]
Mike: Well, I better...
Crow: Get him!
[The bots attack Mike and drag him out of the theater.]
[1 . . . 2 . . . 3 . . . 4 . . . 5 . . . 6 . . . ]
[The Bridge]
[Tom and Crow are busily tying Mike to a chair.]
Crow: I can't believe you, Mike! You wander out in the
middle of a story and meddle with the time line!
Tom: What are you thinking?
Mike: It seemed like a good idea at the time!
Tom: And what's more, you deleted an entire chapter of the
story out of existence!
[Silence from the bots.]
Crow: Er, that *is* bad, isn't it?
Tom: Um, in an abstract way - I guess. Anyway, who knows
what other damage you've caused to the time line!
[On cue, the mads light begins to flash.]
Crow: Uh-oh.
Mike: I'd get that, but my hands are tied!
[Mike dissolves into laughter.]
Tom: Great. Now he's laughing at his own jokes.
Crow: Not a good sign.
Tom: Still, we better get that.
Crow: I'll take care of it.
[Crow taps the light with his beak.]
[Deep 13]
[Doc Thinker and Ortega are gone. In their places stand a
muscular bald headed man, and a wooden looking middle aged
man.]
[SoL]
Tom: [flatly] Oh look. It's Dr. Gore and TV's Jesse Ventura.
Crow: Mike, when this is over, I'm going to kill you so much.
[Deep 13]
Dr. Gore: [monotone] Hello, Mike. How are you doing with the
experiment today?
[SoL]
Mike: Oh, we're dealing with it, Dr. G.
[Deep 13]
Dr. G: [monotone] Good. Good. I am glad that all is proceeding
according to my plan. Soon we shall control the very
world. ha-ha-ha.
TV's Jesse: Look, Mike. I've got a tag-team match going on
later tonight, so you better hurry up and break! Do
you hear me?!
[SoL]
Mike: Sure thing, Jesse. But right now, I'm a bit tied up!
[Mike laughs uncontrollably again.]
Crow: Come on, Mike. That wasn't even funny.
[Deep 13]
TV's Jesse: Oh, real funny, Mi....
[Jesse and Gore begin to fade out of sight.]
[SoL]
Tom: What the?
Crow: Oh no! Mike's little escapade must be producing time
aftershocks!
Tom: Crow, where are you getting all this information?
Crow: I watch a lot of the Discovery Channel.
Tom: Oh.
Mike: I flew in from Buffalo and boy, am I tied up!
[Deep 13]
[The picture refocuses, and Kevin Bacon, clad in a purple lab
coat, and a weary looking Janeane Garofolo occupy Deep 13.]
Dr. B: ...do you hear me, Nelson? I will have no more of this
insubordination! Janeane, kill them all.
[SoL]
All: WHAT?!
Crow: Doctor, er, B. Let us explain!
[Deep 13]
Dr. B: No! The time for explanations is over. Take them out!
[He storms off stage. Janeane walks sheepishly toward the
screen.]
TV's Janeane: Sorry, guys. I'll go try and calm Kev down,
okay? He's had a lot on his mind lately - and confidentially,
he won't stop brooding over his failed acting career! It's
really getting to be a drag.
Dr. B: [OS] JANEANE!!!!!!
TV's Janeane: I'M COMING, OKAY?!? PUT A SOCK IN IT!!!!
Look, just go back in the theater and wait this out, okay?
You know how his moods are.
[TV's Janeane cuts the connection.]
[SoL]
Crow: Well, it looks like we're among the walking dead.
Tom: Yep. Things can't get any worse.
Crow: Never say that!
Tom: Why? How could it-
[Jesse Camp, MTV veejay, enters, carrying a sheaf of papers.]
Jesse: Hey guys! While you were talking with the doc-dude,
I found this gnarly story! I think it might be part
of the thing you're reading!
[He places the papers on the table.]
Jesse: Well, back to running the ship. Later, dudes!
[He exits. The trio stares at each other for a moment.]
Crow: Gypsy must have been out of the temporal stability
field during that last aftershock.
Mike: Yeah.
[pause]
Tom: Well, let's see what Jesse left us.
[They look at the document.]
Tom: Surprise, surprise. It's Chapter nine.
Crow: Imagine that.
Mike: Let's take a look-see. "Marrissa stepped into the
Pentagon breifing room. President Clinton stodd. 'Hello,
Marrissa. I'd like to introduce you to my cabinet..."
Crow: Let's skip ahead, Mike.
Mike: Sure. Um, can you...?
Crow: Oh, sure.
[Crow moves the papers with his beak.]
Crow: Okay. This looks good. "Offshore, the US Navy moved down
the coast, ready to protect the Cape. There was Task Force
75.5 consisting of the USS Nimitz, commanded by Commodore
James Randall, the USS Vincennes, under Captain Daryl
Castillian, the USS Burke..."
[Crow shakes his head and moves the papers again.]
Crow: Okay, that goes on for another page and a half.
Tom: Oh, let me try. "Marrissa dashed into Mission Control.
'Hello Marrissa,' said John Smith. 'I'd like to introduce
you to...' Oh dear lord! He's going to introduce every one
of NASA's employees!
[Crow flips through the pages again.]
Crow: For Pete's sake! This chapter is nothing but introductions,
lists of ships, and rank recitations!
Tom: Wow. I guess dork-boy did good when he erased it.
Mike: Two ducks walk into a bar. The bartender says, "I'd help
you, but I'm all tied up."
Crow: Then again...
[The Ratliff sign begins to flash.]
Tom: Great. We've got Ratliff sign!
[The door sequence begins, and the bots rush around wildly.]
Mike: [while the door sequence runs] Hey guys! Could you untie me?
Guys? GUYS!!
[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . . ]
[Tom & Crow enter the theater]
Crow: Should we have untied him?
Tom: Dunno. Let me think about it for a while.
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Crow: Sadly, though, the Olsen Twins still exist.
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
[Mike enters the theater]
Tom: Hey how'd you get out?
Mike: I have some experience with knots.
Crow: Do us a favor and don't elaborate on that.
>
>
>101374
Mike: The number of plot holes in each of Stephen's stories.
>Chapter Ten
>
>Captain's Log
>Lieutenant Commander Picard recording, in the absence of
All: Common sense!
> the
>Captain.
Tom: [Marrissa] Strictly temporary, I assure you.
>
> We've captured all the crew of the Eagle. Lieutenant
>Crusher has assisted the Secret Service in cleaning up the mess
>resulting from the crew of the Eagle's attempts.
Crow: [Marrissa] But we won't mention the temporal mess that
we caused by exposing ourselves to the Clintons. Oh, ick.
That came out all wrong!
> We will be
>departing shortly after King William V of Great Britain finishes
>his speech.
Tom: But he's not...
Mike: Forget it, Tom - you'll never convince Stephen.
Tom: But it's just WRONG, Mike!!!
Crow: Just breathe deeply, Servo - c'mon, short breaths!
> I intend to record a copy of this speech as it is
>considered a historic one, whose text has been lost.
Tom: Apparently they were filming "Ernest Visits the National
Archives" at the time.
Crow: Then how do they know it's historic?
Mike: Don't *you* start, too.
>
> Ladies and Gentlemen, we interrupt tonight's programming for
>a special presentation.
Mike: Nothing is happening in Bulgaria. For more on this topic,
we turn to Peter Jennings...
> Live from the United States Aircraft
>Carrier, Enterprise,
All: IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!!
> His Majesty, King William the Fifth.
Tom: NO!! NO NO NO NO NO!!!! HE'S NOT THE KING UNTIL HIS OFFICIAL
CORONATION!!!
Crow: He's tripping.
Tom: IT'S NOT RIGHT!!! I WON'T STAND FOR IT!!!! AGLAGLAGLAGLAGLAG-
Mike: Okay, c'mere!
[Mike forces a small object down Tom's mouth]
Tom: *cough* *hack* *wheeze* Okay, I'm better.
Crow: 'Bout time.
Tom: What was that?
Mike: Peanut Butter on a Ritz Cracker.
> Good evening people of Britain, Ireland, and all people
>around the world.
Crow: [Walter Winchell] And all the ships at sea, let's go to
press. FLASH!
> As many of you know, yesterday evening was a
>time of tragedy for my family and our nation.
Mike: [William] That stupid meddler Marrissa Picard showed
up AGAIN so now we all have to bow down and worship and
who knows what-all. So you'll all excuse me while I nip
round the back and shoot myself. Thank you and good night.
> My grandmother the
>late Queen passed away.
Tom: [William] Fortunately, as she was already dead, it wasn't
much of a shock.
> So too did my father, although in a much
>more tragic fashion.
Crow: Nibbled to death by ducks.
> My father was visiting Belfast, a hospital
>where he had talked to many in the children's cancer ward. When
>he exited the hospital, he was cruelly assassinated in the prime
>of his life.
Mike: Yep, the very peak of middle-age.
Tom: But I thought he was shot in the chest?
> We are sure that many of you were shocked at his death,
Crow: Except for us Ratliff-watchers.
> and
>fully expect us to demand the harshest penalty under law for the
>assassin,
Tom: The comfy chair!
> who I have been told has been captured. However, now
>is a time which Ireland needs healing.
Crow: [William] We have ordered County Cork doused in Bactine.
> It does not need more
>blood and pain. It was my Ancestor, whose name I share, King
>William III, who brought Ireland under English rule.
Mike: And I'm sure that the Irish will be quite happy that
you brought that up, Willie. What next? Are you going
to spit on their flag too?
Tom: [William] And now, for your entertainment, I will crush this
Leprechaun and burn a field of shamrocks.
> I have no
>desire to prolong the struggle which began with him. Ireland is
>know governed by the will and choice of its people.
Crow: [William] Those few who are sober, I mean.
Tom: Except that Belfast is in *Northern* Ireland, which
kinda takes out the rhetorical steam a bit.
> I will not
>interfere with their rule, but I will set an example for them to
>follow.
Mike: [William] We will send them to their room without supper.
This will hurt us more than it will them.
> We will issue a pardon to our father's assassin,
>conditional on his departing our realm.
Crow: [William] And him promising to never, never, ever do it
again.
> It is not our wish that
>he go unpunished,
Tom: [William] So he needs to watch his hinder because, after all,
MI-6 is somewhere out there.
> but that our example of forgiveness be followed
>throughout Ireland and Britain in the hopes that all of us be
>able to exist peacefully,
Crow: If somewhat naively.
> and that one day, we will be able to
>walk down the streets of Northern Ireland without the fear of
Mike: [William] ...leprechauns.
>bombing, shooting, or other violence.
Mike: There's a Rodney King joke in here, but I'm not gonna be the
one to make it.
Tom: So, Willie-boy is trying to make the streets of Ireland safe
by turning loose a crazed assassin?
Crow: Hey, should we applaud Ratliff's naive idealism, or make fun
of his complete ignorance of realpolitik?
> Early next year, I will be crowned King over many of you.
Tom: And until then, he's still just a Prince.
>We have tried to stay out of the harsh glare of the press, trying
>to have a normal of a life as possible for one in our position.
Mike: [William] Carrying on like rutting marmosets and leading
the paparazzi on high-speed car chases.
Crow: Why is royalty plural?
Mike: Usually, it's just them and their colossal, over-inflated
egos.
Tom: Yeah, like the Lord of the Dance.
>Earlier this month, with the consent of the late Queen and my
>father, as well as the consent of the current government, I
>proposed to Miss Gweneveare Everham of Windsor.
Mike: [William] You may know her by her other name, Slutty Spice.
> We intend to be
>married before I am crowned.
Tom: Wait a second, isn't William only 16?
Crow: William, King of England, Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland
and West Virginia!
> When We return to England, aboard
>the Enterprise, I will introduce you to her by way of several
Mike: [William]...sold-out concerts in London, Birmingham, and
Leeds.
>walkabouts throughout the country.
Tom: [Aussie accent] He's going walkabout then, eh, mate?
Fair dinkums! I'll just pop another shrimp on the barbie,
quaff some Fosters, and grab some vegemite...
[Mike grabs Tom's dome, silencing him.]
Mike: Tom? We're still in negotiations with Fox. Antagonizing
Murdoch may not be a good idea, okay?
> We ask, however that you
>allow us some breathing room, and do not hound us with cameras.
Crow: [William] I also hope this is the year the Cubs win the World
Series, and that someone will soon invent a diet soft drink
that doesn't taste like swamp water.
Mike: Meanwhile, the paparazzi are giggling like lunatics and
polishing their camera lenses.
>We are a young couple that would like some privacy every once in
>awhile.
Tom: [William] So if you see us skinny-dipping down by the
beach at Brighton or closing down bars in Soho, kindly
ignore us, will you?
> We would like to thank several people for their help during
>this trying time. President William Clinton, whose abilities as
>a world leader
Tom: ...barely exist.
> extend to reassuring a newly ascended King,
Crow: [William] Not to mention the many private counseling
sessions he generously volunteered to give Beatrice,
which improved her outlook tremendously.
> and
>wish to especially thank him for lending us the Enterprise for
>our journey home.
Crow: Because, as we all know, Britain has no navy or air force,
or even a passenger airline.
Mike: [William] We'll be going the full Warp Nine, heh heh.
> We would like to especially thank Chelsea
>Clinton for calming down a hysterical cousin after yesterday's
>attack.
Tom: Why am I suddenly thinking of "Airplane"?
Crow: Probably just a coincidence.
> We are not yet sure if we are ready to be King.
Tom: We are sure, however, that the royal We worked better for
Victoria than it does for you.
> Our
>constant change between the Royal We and I is only the most
>visible evidence of this.
Mike: Not to mention possible Identity Dysphoria.
Crow: Oh, so that's what all this "we" business was about.
I thought he had a tapeworm, or something.
> I did not expect to become King this
>soon.
Tom: [William] We didn't plan to start our program of assassination
for at least six months.
> It was something to prepare for that wouldn't occur for
>another fifty years.
Mike: So...he expected his father to die at the age of 100,
I guess.
Crow: Well, we've already established that he lives in
fantasyland...
> As you can tell, life is full of surprises
Tom: [William] For example, who would have expected that Marilyn
Manson would have won the Nobel Prize for Chemistry?
>and We have been dealt a full hand of them.
Mike: [Marrissa] However, We wish to express our annoyance to God
that we have *5* sevens in our hand.
Crow: And somehow, we've come full circle back to the poker scene.
> It is my wish that
>any remaining surprises I receive in my reign will be pleasant
>ones,
Tom: [William] Accordingly, I plan to retire to Majorca with a
bevy of bikini-clad teenaged groupies and spend the rest
of my days in an endless series of bacchanalian revelries
and orgies of dissipation.
> and that we may all live in peace and harmony,
Mike: [William] Or I'll behead every last peasant one of you.
> willing to
>turn the other cheek to those that harm us.
Mike: His Majesty, the King of Fools.
Crow: a.k.a. King Barney the First.
Tom: [William] In further news, we have just signed a contract
to ship more arms to Africa.
> It is with that message of forgiveness, and with a hope that
>We may serve you well for decades to come, that I leave you
>today. Thank you for listening.
All: You're welcome!
Mike: Now stay tuned for "Benny Hill: The Next Generation" on
most of these local BBC-1 stations.
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
Mike: Hey! That's where John C. Calhoun High School is!
Crow: The home of Special Project K-14?
Mike: The same!
Tom: Neat!
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble Awards?
>
>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
>
>
>From srat...@runet.edu Sun Apr 25 21:13:38 1999
>Path: ix.netcom.com!news.maxwell.syr.edu!news-peer1.
Mike: Now for your wicker furniture and ISP requirements.
>sprintlink.net!news-in-central.sprintlink.net!news.sprintlink.net!
>hearst.acc.Virginia.EDU!newslink.runet.edu!not-for-mail
>From: srat...@runet.edu (Stephen Ratliff)
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative,alt.startrek.creative.all-ages
>Subject: NEW TNG Athena Prospects 11/11 (Marrissa Stories)
>Date: 26 Apr 1999 03:13:38 GMT
>Organization: ASCA Moderation Team
>Lines: 96
>Approved: as...@pnx.com
>Message-ID: <7g0ll2$r...@newslink.runet.edu>
>NNTP-Posting-Host: ruacad.runet.edu
Tom: No, I am *not* a cad, thank you very much!
Crow: Radford's server is only for the polite.
>X-Newsreader: TIN [UNIX 1.3 950824BETA PL0]
>Xref: ix.netcom.com alt.startrek.creative:109366 alt.startrek.creative.
>all-ages:1778
>
>
>Title: Athena Prospects
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories #10
>Rating: [G]
>Codes: n/a
>Parts: NEW 11/11
>
>Summary:
>Shortly After Marrissa leaves the Enterprise-E to serve as Second
>Officer on the Stargazer, a group of extremists steal a starship
>and attempt to change the past.
Mike: Sadly, though, Arvin Bookbinder still doesn't exist.
[pause]
Crow: Who?
Mike: The guy I was counting on to rescue us.
Tom: Because?
Mike: It's...complicated.
Crow: Yeah, and you're simple, Nelson!
> With the help of the Clintons,
>Marrissa, Wesley, and the crew of the Stargazer must stop them
>from stopping the first manned mission to Mars.
>
>
>101374
Tom: The careers Marrissa's crushed in her quest for power.
>Epilogue
>
Mike: Recording ever Epi ever made!
> The Stargazer came out of warp at Deep Space Nine. Marrissa
>was glad that they had arrived.
Crow: The only alternative being not to arrive.
Mike: How very Zen.
> The last couple days of the
>journey had been rather trying. The paper work alone from the
>Temporal Incursion was overwhelming.
Mike: Usually they don't use paper, but the TI guys went back in
time to get some just for her.
> As for those two Temporal
>Investigations Agents who came to review the mission, well,
>Marrissa had been strongly tempted to toss them into one impulse
>engine reactors and forget about them.
Tom: Except for that there were too many bodies piled up in
there already, so she had to think of something else.
Mike: Ah yes, the Marrissa we all know and, well, know.
> If this was how
>commanding a Starship on a day to day basis went, Marrissa would
Tom: Have to change the procedures again.
>need a lot more patience
Mike: And age.
> before she was ready for her own
>command.
Crow: That, or absolute power over all around her. Either would do.
>
> "Commander, Deep Space Nine has assigned us to dock at upper
>pylon two," Lavelle announced from Operations.
Tom: [Lavelle] Something about us being "as far away from decent
folk as possible" or something.
> "Captain
>Washington will meet us once we dock."
Mike: [Marrissa] WESLEY! We've gone BACK in time, you idiot!
> "Very well," Marrissa said. "Kathy, slow to one eight, move
>us into position."
Crow: Consult your Kama Sutra if you have any questions.
Mike: All I'm gonna say is, when they come after us with CDA III,
I don't want to hear any outraged surprise from you.
> Marrissa watched as the Stargazer slid into
>its space. "Cut forward motion. Port thrusters, one second
>blast. Open docking clamps."
Mike: Re-engage sense of disbelief.
> "Commander, we are docked at Deep Space Nine," Lavelle
>announced. "Captain Sisko sends his regards."
Tom: [Lavelle] He also said to hurry up and get the hell off
his station.
> "Acknowledged." Marrissa said, standing up and straightening
>her uniform like her father did. "Command Crew and honor guard
>to starboard docking port to pipe the Captain aboard."
Crow: Tragically, the pipeline sprung a leak, spewing millions of
gallons of Captain Washington all over the station.
>
>Appendix
Tom: [Sisko] Whew! I guess I escaped this fanfic after all.
Mike: Oh, Stephen's getting all fancy-shmancy on us.
>
>Crew of the Enterprise
>
>R.Adm. Jean-Luc Picard Commanding Officer
>Ltjg Clara Sutter 4th Assistant Chief Engineer
>
Tom: Thanks to modern technology, these two run the entire
starship by themselves.
>Crew of the Stargazer
>
>LCD
Tom: Marrissa is now available with a Liquid Crystal Display,
handy for playing Pacman on!
> Marrissa Amber Picard Acting Captain
> Second Officer
> Fighter Commander
Mike: Naklab kneebreaker.
Tom: Strawberry juice guzzler.
Crow: Goddess without portfolio.
>Adm. Montgomery Scott Chief Engineer
Tom: Also chief grumbler and ship's wine steward.
>Yeoman Peterson Marrissa's Yeoman
Crow: And personal slave.
Mike: She must have been Caligula or something in a previous life.
>Lt. Sam Lavelle Assistant Chief of Operations
Crow: And the last person in the known universe you want dealing
cards!
>Lt. Ross Lochard Chief Tactical Officer
Mike: Street fightin' man, and Official Ship's Load.
>Lt. Katherine Lochard Assistant Fighter Commander
Tom: Not to mention Ross Lochard's Commandrix.
>Doctor Jackson Johnson Chief Medical Officer
Crow: Chief in charge of onomatopoeia.
>Ltjg Wesley Crusher Temporal Investigations
Tom: And Marrissa's only real competition for "Most Annoying
Character".
Crow: Naomi Wildman?
Tom: Okay. Her too.
>Mary Barkeeper in Seven Slightly Starboard
All: o/~ Mary, Mary, why ya buggin'? o/~
> Quartermaster
Mike: Starring Marc Singer.
Tom: Y'know, Marrissa never explained to the rest of the crew why
they detoured, did she?
>
>Crew of the Eagle
>
>Lyam Sympton aka Jean-Luc Picard
Crow: Y'think Lyam has a bossy, know-it-all, power-hungry adoptive
Daughter, too?
Mike: Nah. Too much symmetry.
>Boris aka Pavel Chekov
>"James T. Kirk"
Tom: [Kirk] MILLionsof - PEOPLE - whohaveneverDIEDbefore -
willbeKILLED!
>an unnamed gunman
Tom: Woody Harrelson's father?
>
>Those from the 20th Century
Crow: ...apologize sincerely to any future generations reading this
stuff.
>
>William Jefferson Clinton The 42nd President of the United States
Mike: And future "Altoids" Spokesman.
Tom: o/~ Meet Bill Clinton... o/~
>Chelsea Clinton His daughter
Crow: But she'd appreciate not being reminded of that just now.
Tom: o/~ Daughter Chelsea... o/~
>Agent Thomas Mann A member of the Presidential Detail
> United States Secret Service
Crow: Although considering his performance in this story, he'll
soon be reassigned to the "Socks" detail.
Mike: Apparently, Mann was so distraught by this story that
he changed his name from 'Timothy' to 'Thomas'.
Tom: o/~ Tom, his wife... o/~
Mike: Uh, I think you've exhausted that song.
>Prince William/King William V Son of Prince Charles
>Princess Beatrice Daughter of Prince Andrew and Fergie
Mike: That's Duchess Sarah Ferguson to you!
>Tom Brokaw Anchor, NBC Nightly News
>Stone Phillips
Tom: Stone Lungeboulder!
Crow: Stone Punchgrab!
Mike: Stone Fridgeneck!
> NBC Correspondent
> Co-anchor, Dateline NBC
>Jane Pauley
Mike: I don't remember Jane Pauley being in the story.
Tom: She was mentioned once by Stone McSlabcheeeks.
Crow: Boy, I bet T'Gwen's cheesed off Jane got a mention here and
she didn't.
> Co-anchor, Dateline NBC
Mike: Mike Nelson Anchor, Satellite of Love.
Tom: Tom Servo Grammar Flames Department and co-
anchor, Satellite of Love
Crow: Crow T. Robot Innuendo Department and co-anchor,
Satellite of Love
>
>
>
>
>--
>Stephen Ratliff Radford University
>srat...@runet.edu Roanoke, VA 24018
>rec.arts.tv.mst3k.misc's polite target. Marrissa Stories Author
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/FAQs/ FAQ Maintainer for ASC.
>http://www.runet.edu/~sratliff/ascindex/ Index Maintainer too.
>also at: http://archive.nu/ ASCA Moderator
>
>Have you voted in the Alt.StarTrek.Creative.All-Ages Tribble Awards?
>
>Do so now at: http://www.cs.runet.edu/~sratliff/awards/
Crow: [Chicken] End!
Tom: Let's git.
Mike: You guys go ahead. I'll be out in a minute.
Crow: Really.
Mike: Yeah. I just gotta, um, see something about something here.
Tom: That's nice, heh heh heh, GET HIM!!!!
Mike: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!
[Mike exits hurriedly, chased by Tom & Crow]
[The Bridge]
[Mike is once again tied to a chair. Tom and Crow are dismantling
the temporal stability field.]
Mike: Guys? Is it really necessary to tie me to the chair?
Crow: Yes.
Tom: Mike, you've done far to much damage to the time stream to
let you loose.
Crow: Yeah, now it's our turn to muck about the time stream.
[With a loud 'snap' the temporal stability field comes crashing
down.]
Tom: Done.
Mike: Come on, guys! [slyly] I've got a neat idea about a sketch
where we're all royalty, just like Marrissa...
Crow: It's not going to happen, Mike.
Mike: I've got some tasty RAM chips for you if you just untie me...
Tom: RAM chips?
Crow: Forget it, Tom. Besides, we ate all of Mike's stash of RAM
chips years ago.
Tom: Good point. Let's get going.
Mike: Guys, really. Untie me already.
Crow: Bye Mike!
Tom: See you back in the right timeline!
[The bots move off to the side of the Bridge. Cambots pans to follow.]
Crow: [quietly] Hey, Tom? How are we going to fix the timeline?
Tom: [quietly] Well, I think that the only way we can fix it is
to keep Mike from going back in time in the first place.
Then, since we dismantled the temporal stability field, he'll
change along with the timeline and hopefully, he'll stop
meddling with temporal physics.
Crow: No, I got that part. How are we going to stop him once we get
back there?
Tom: Since we've been reading a Star Trek story, I figured we'd stop
him the same way that they stopped the Borg in "First Contact."
Crow: By soaking him in plasma?
Tom: No. Look, just follow me...
[Crow and Tom head off screen. A loud hum can be heard....]
[The Satellite of Love, several hours ago.]
[Mike, carrying guns galore, steps out of his room, whistling merrily.
Tom and Crow stand outside his door.]
Mike: Oh, hi guys! I can't talk with you right now. I'm heading back
in time. See you.
Tom: Mike? Are you sure you can't stay for a drink? We've got
some tequila...
Mike: Maybe after I get back. [He exits]
Tom: It's gold...
[pause]
[Mike reenters, and grabs the bottle.]
Mike: Well, one drink can't hurt.
[We see a cheesy effect of a clock speeding through a half a sweep.]
[Thirty minutes later....]
[Mike sits on the floor, swaying to and fro. In the background,
"Magic Carpet Ride" plays rather loudly. Mike sings along.]
Mike: [slurred] o/~ I like food music... I want to ride a bike...
ride between the Steve McQueens...o/~
Crow: [stage whisper] Tom? Are you sure 'First Contact" ended
this way?
Tom: Oh sure. Remember? Picard got the Borg drunk then pushed them
out the airlock. Then he drunk himself to death in Vegas
with Elizabeth Shue.
Crow: Wow. I must not have been paying attention.
[Mike takes one last swig from the bottle, before he keels over
and falls to the floor, fast asleep.]
Tom: Success! Okay, time for the subliminals.
[The bots begin to whisper.]
Bots: I will not mess with the timeline. I will not mess with the
timeline. I will not...
[The Bridge, the present.]
[Mike is still tied to the chair, looking rather unhappy. The
mads light begins to flash. Mike looks around for a moment, then
shrugs and taps the light with his forehead.]
[Deep 13]
[Dr. B shouts frantically. Explosions can be heard close by.]
Dr. B: My robot armies? Destroyed?! How can this be? How can that
pathetic rabble have bested my armies and thwarted my plans?
How?!?!?!?
[TV's Janeane enters.]
TV's Janeane: Sir! We need to go! Now!
[She drags Dr. B. off screen as the door to Deep 13 blows apart in
a massive explosion. As the smoke clears, figures begin to move
around in the background. One of them moves cautiously through
the smoke, revealing himself to be Peanut. He looks around then
turns around.]
Peanut: It's all clear, sir!
[Several other figures enter. Most are extras, but one person
strides confidently towards the center of the room. It's Joel.]
Joel: Mr. President!
[SoL]
[Mike looks more bewildered than usual.]
Mike: Joel? Is that you? Wait a minute! Mr. President?
[Deep 13]
Joel: Whew. Boy, you wouldn't believe the trouble we had parking
up there. Dr. B had all the spaces marked as handicapped.
Eventually, we had to leave Torgo in the car so that he
could just drive it around the block...
[SoL]
Mike: Hold it! Joel? What are you talking about? I'm not the
President...
[Deep 13]
Joel: Oh, sure you're not. And I'm not the head of the resistance
either. Look, we'll have you down from there in just a
minute, Mr. President. In the meantime, I've brought someone
along that I think you want to see...
[A young woman, looking suspiciously like Bridget Jones, enters
and smiles sheepishly.]
Joel: It's your fiance!
Bridget: Hi Mike. It's nice to see you again. I'd like to make up
for lost time....
[SoL]
Mike: I'm starting to like this timeline. Say, when I get down from
here, I'm going to throw the biggest party you've ever seen!
And I'll institute an era of peace and prosperity where every
person is....
[The image shimmers and suddenly the scene shifts to Castle
Forrester.]
[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl, dressed in a Patton-esque General's uniform, is speaking.
Behind her, Bobo carries a large stack of fish. Observer, who
wears a hockey uniform, is hanging upside down, swinging from a
rope attached to his ankle.]
Pearl: ...and then, well, you know what happened.
Bobo: Lawgiver? Where should I place these kippers?
Pearl: Put them between the issues of Vogue and the ping-pong
balls. Geez. Do I have to tell you everything? Anyway,
are you ready for today's experiment?
[SoL]
[Mike is standing behind the command console, holding a large ice
pack next to his head.]
Mike: Well, no. Not really. I've got this splitting headache,
and I'm not really sure why.
[A loud hum is heard in the background.]
Mike: ...and I can't remember anything from the last few hours.
Except, I vaguely remember Molly Hatchet...
[Crow and Tom enter, looking about cautiously.]
Mike: Hey Tom? Crow?
Tom: [to Crow, whispering] He seems normal...
Mike: Not so loud!
Crow: [whispering] Sorry! [to Tom] This looks good!
Mike: Look, do you guys know why I suddenly have a massive
headache?
Crow: It's probably sick building syndrome, Mike.
Mike: Oh. Well, I guess that we're ready then. Hit us with
what you've got, Pearl.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh, I've got a good one for you today, Mike. It's yet
another episode of the ever popular Marrissa Stories from
that master of bad writing, Stephen Ratliff...
[SoL]
[The bots sigh audibly.]
Crow: Great. It looks like we get to read it again.
Tom: Let me guess. It's a re-write of "Time Speeder" called
"Athena Propsects."
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: A rewrite of "Time Speeder?" Boy, I'd love to have a
copy of that. No, what I've got is called "A Different
Path." It's an adult story about Marrissa and Wesley.
[SoL]
[The bots are silent.]
Crow: Sweet merciful heavens!
Tom: We're in the wrong timeline again!
Crow: To the time machine! Stat!
[The bots rush off screen. A confused Mike watches them scamper
away.]
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Geez, Mike. What's with those two? I mean, I was just
joking.
[SoL]
Mike: Ah, they get flighty.
[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: I'll say. Well, should I wait for the bots,
or would you like to start without them?
[SoL]
Mike: Let's just wait for them. I'm sure they won't be long.
[Radford University, 1994]
[Stephen's dorm room door opens and Stephen steps out, and looks
quizzically down.]
Stephen: Um, hi. Can I help you?
Crow: Yes, hi Stephen. You don't know us, but we know that you're
a Star Trek fanfic writer...
Tom: Stephen, you *have* to write Time Speeder! The fate of the
world rests upon it!
Crow: We better get outta here.
Tom: Stephen! Remember our words! Time Speeder!
[The bots exit. Stephen stares down the hallway after them.]
Stephen: Boy, I am having a weird day. Still, Time Speeder... Hmm....
[Stephen shuts the door behind him, and the screen goes black.]
[The theater]
[Mike and the bots file back inside as the credits start rolling.]
Mike: So we're going to see credits for a story we haven't even
read yet? What's up with this?
Crow: Terrific. Nelson screws up the timeline and we get stuck
with the check!
Mike: What are you talking about?
Tom: Just never mind!
>Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "Athena Prospects"
Tom: But Faith manages.
Crow: And Xander makes the 3-point shot.
>By Stephen Ratliff
>
Mike: Also known as "The source of our pain".
>Starring
Tom: STARRING **Delores De Syn** as The Woman
Mime: Who's Starring Delores De Syn?
Tom: That's starring, that's why we've put the stars against
the name, see?
>
>Michael Nelson as Mike Nelson
Crow: Oh, like *that's* a big stretch!
>Kevin Murphy as Tom Servo
>Bill Corbett as Crow
Tom: Huh? Who are these guys?
Crow: I dunno, but I suddenly feel a strange presence beneath me.
Mike: That's definitely too much information, Crow.
>Patrick "Pantleg" Brantseg as Gypsy
Crow: I didn't know Gypsy wore pants.
Tom: She has a wonderful slacks collection from J.C. Penny's.
>Mary Jo Pehl as Pearl Forrester
Mike: How would you pronounce that last name? "Pell"? "Peel"?
"Paul"? "Luxury Yacht"?
>Kevin Murphy as Professor Bobo
>Bill Corbett As The Observer
>
Mike: Aren't those the same two guys who were, uh...
Tom: I refuse to think about it.
>With Special Guest Stars:
Mike: Mark Hamill!
Crow: Marilu Henner!
Tom: Elliot Gould!
Crow: Randy Quaid!
Mike: Adrianne Barbeau!
Tom: And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver!
>Trace Beaulieu as Doctor Clayton Forrester
Mike: Byoo - Booo - Bee-oo-lee-oo...
Crow: That's not a name - it's just random letters thrown together.
>Frank Conniff as TV's Frank
Mike: o/~ If only the sun and the moon would collide to be Frank! O/~
>Josh Elvis Weinstein as Dr. Lawrence Erhardt
Tom: [Elvis] Thankyaverramuch, baby!
>Paul Chaplin as Ortega
Crow: Wow! Someone admits to being Ortega!
Mike: Maybe he's just the guy they sent out for Taco fixings.
>Dr. Thinker as Himself
Tom: And then this it isnott any suprize to being me.
Crow: yes yes, I not reliziling so it was, my small rebit.
Mike: Uh-huh. And then what?
>Al Gore as Dr. G
Crow: Ladies and Gentlemen, America's official tree.
>Jesse Ventura as TV's Jesse
Tom: Y'know, Jesse is a friend.
Crow: Uh-huh.
Tom: He's always been a good friend of mine.
Mike: That's nice, Tom.
Tom: But lately something's changed, and it ain't hard to def-
Crow: Finish that line, Servo, and I'll blossom and fry your
head again.
>Kevin Bacon as Dr. B
Mike: Dr. B. Natural?
Bots: Blecch!
>Janeane Garofalo as TV's Janeane
Crow: Oh, baby! She can be my mad scientist any day!
>Jesse Camp as Himself
Tom: Because no one else wanted to be.
>Michael Nelson as Peanut
Mike: Huh? I'm a woozle?
>Joel Hodgson as Joel Robinson
Bots: [cheering]
>Bridget Jones as Bridget
Tom: Boy, whoever wrote this was *re-e-e-e-eal* inventive with the
character names!
Mike: I'm surprised Tony Danza isn't playing a guy named "Tony".
>
>and
>
Tom: But,
Crow: Or...
Mike: They'll get you pretty far.
All: o/~ Conjunction Junction, what's your function? o/~
>Stephen Ratliff as Stephen Ratliff
>
Mike: Plus, Captain Tuttle as himself.
Tom: This late introduction scene was brought to you by Stephen
Ratliff.
>Was misted by:
>
Crow: A small sprinkler system.
>Doug Atkinson
Tom: Doug? Hey, I watch his cartoon all the time!
>Kevin Gowen
Mike: Whatever this is, they got the Boss Klingon in on it.
>Raf Kaplan
Tom: [Ed Norton] Hey hey hey, Raffie boy!
>Bill Livingston
All: We presume.
>Mighty Jack
Mike: Who should really be involved in the misting of the
"Lines-as-Q". Because, you know, that would help
protect us against Q...
Tom: We get it, Mike.
>John C. Mozena
Crow: Warrior Princess!
>Rottweiller
Mike: And his pals - Pit Bull, Doberman, and the Taco Bell Chihuahua.
>Tom Salyers
Tom: Hail and well met, fellow Tom.
>WereTorgo
Mike: How did he write this? I could have sworn he was trapped in
the past with WereZoe!
Tom: Be good, Mikey. Be good.
>
>Edited by Matt Blackwell
>
Crow: Who graciously took time from compiling his "Worst Dressed"
list to lend us a hand.
>With additional assistance from:
Tom: Geez! How many people did it take to write this, anyway?!?
>Sarah Heiner
Crow: What was that about Sarah's hinder?
Tom: Nobody doesn't like Sarah's hinder.
Mike: I heard a rumor she was actually a giant chicken.
>Karen Kallestad
Tom: o/~ We gonna kalle - stady! Kalleing stady all night long! O/~
>
>
>"Star Trek", "Star Trek: The Next Generation", "Star Trek: Deep Space
>Nine", "Star Trek: Voyager"
Mike: "Star Trek: The Video Game".
Tom: "Star Trek: The Lunchbox".
Crow: "Star Trek: The "7 of 9" Blow-up Doll".
> and all related characters and
>situations are trademarks of and (c) 1999 Desilu/Paramount/Viacom.
>All rights are reserved.
Tom: And by "reserved", they actually mean "guarded by vicious
attack lawyers who'll shut your down website unless you remove
that 5K wav sound file of photon torpedoes firing, and if you
don't believe us, just try us, buster".
>
>
>
>"Mystery Science Theater 3000" and its related characters and
>situations
Mike: So what exactly *is* a "Mystery Science Theater 3000"?
Crow: I dunno - sounds like one of those shows the Sci-Fi channel
is always bragging about.
Mike: No, I watch that channel, and I haven't seen one commercial
for it.
Crow: Oh. Well, who knows, then?
> are trademarks of and copyrighted [c] 1999 by Best
>Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
>
Tom: Whatever it is, the Observers are obviously involved.
>Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for non-
>commercial parody, review, and commentary purposes only; no
>infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks held by
>Best Brains, Inc., Paramount, Inc., or anyone else, is intended
>or should be inferred.
>
Mike: You guys were awfully quiet during that paragraph.
Crow: I tried to say something, but some mysterious force kept
me from saying a word!
Mike: What about you, Tom?
Tom: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Mike: *Tom!*
Tom: BAND PRACTICE!!!! What, huh?
>No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s)
>are or should be implied.
Crow: Except, of course, where we insult the author(s), character(s),
or situation(s).
> All characters in this work are
>fictional except for those who aren't,
Tom: So there's no such person as Bill Clinton? Phew! What a
relief!
> and any resemblance
>to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
>
Mike: Which, loosely translated, means, "Please don't sue us,
Erika Flores!"
>Keep circulating the posts.
>
>
Crow: Well, okay, but I don't see what good orbiting a giant
Ionic column is going to do.
Mike: Is that it? Are we done?
Tom: Finally!
Mike: Did you guys understand any of that?
Crow: More than you did. As usual.
Mike: Hey!
[Bots giggle as they & Mike leave the theater]
[Darkness]
Dr. B: [V.O.] So, you think that you're safe from me
over in your other time-line, eh Michael? Well,
you'll soon discover how wrong you are!
[Bacon begins to laugh maniacally.]
TV's Janeane: [V.O.] Sir? You forgot to turn on the
viewscreen again.
Dr. B: [V.O.] Oh, sh....
[The final guitar chord twangs.]
Twang.
7/5/99
-----------------------------------------------------------
> "I think we can rule out the writer," Marrissa said.
>"People don't go back in time to stop writers."
-----------------------------------------------------------