MiSTed - "Absolute Zero "Constant" -- as Real as Santa Claus!" (1/1)
Bill Livingston
Crow: Okay, uh, Johnson.
Tom: Which one?
Crow: Lyndon.
Tom: Aaahh, easy. Hubert Humphrey. Next
Crow: All right, how about Wilson.
Tom: Hmmm... Dunno. Hint?
Crow: "A good five cent cigar".
Tom: Oh, ummmm, oh the guy from Indiana - Quayle. No, not Quayle,
Letterman! No, uhhhhhh - MARSHALL!
Crow: Good, good. FDR.
Tom: Which one?
Crow: How about, um, second.
Tom: Geez, I should know this. Garner?
Crow: Nope. Think Iowa.
Tom: Iowa? Geez, um, Radar O'Reilly?
Crow: What? No! Okay, think "Braveheart".
Tom: Gary Burghoff was in "Braveheart"?
Crow: No, you ninny - it's Wallace!
Tom: Hey, foul! Wallace was from Alabama
Crow: That was a *different* Wallace, ya stoop! This is *Henry* Wallace!
Tom: Ah, there's no such person!
Crow: *splut* There is too! Look, he's in the...
[As the bots continue to argue, Joel steps into the picture]
Joel: Hi everyone. Joel Robinson here on the Satellite of Love. These
two little guys are my bots, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot, and right now,
they're going around in a game of "Vice-Presidents". [Steps out]
Tom: All right, never mind. Keep going.
Crow: Okay, let's go with Hoover.
Tom: Hoover? Aw, let's see - dunno. Hint me.
Crow: His nickname was "Egg".
Tom: "Egg"?! "EGG"?!?!? How does a guy get a moniker like "Egg"?
Crow: How should I know? Maybe he liked fried egg sandwiches or something!
Tom: I think you're making this up!
Crow: No way!
Tom: Yeah, and I'm not 100% convinced about the whole Henry Wallace thing.
Crow: I'm telling you, Egg was the guy's nickname. Joel, back me up here.
Joel: [stepping back in] Yeah, he's right, Tom. [To audience] Actually, it's
a little unfair, since Crow's always been a big VP-phile, while Servo's
more your civics-averse type. But it's a good learning tool for young,
growing bots. Plus, it burns off a lot of that excess energy they get
from all those Cocoa-Frosted RAM chips.
Tom: Sheesh! What kind of a sap has a nickname like "Egg"!?
Crow: *sigh* Okay, one more hint. "Superfly".
Tom: Oh, of course! Curtis!
Crow: Finally! Okay, here's a toughie - *Andrew* Johnson.
Tom: Hey, that's a trick question - Andrew Johnson didn't even have a VP!
Joel: Hey, good catch, Tom!
Tom: Thanks! I've been training. [Lights flash]
Joel: Uh-oh, look sharp, guys, it's Spiro Agnew & John Calhoun. [hits button]
[DEEP 13 - Dr. Forrester's face dominates the shot (naturally)]
Dr.F: Greetings, Jujubee! Never mind your buckets of warm spit, it's time for
today's invention exchange. And I declare today's theme to beeeeee -
beverages - you go first!
[SOL - There is now a rather ordinary looking coffeemaker on the console]
Joel: Oh, okay. Well, as David Letterman once said, I don't believe there's
a man, woman, or child alive today anywhere in the world who doesn't
enjoy a lovely beverage.
Crow: Particularly, a nice fizzy soda pop!
Tom: Yeah, but you goes to the store, you takes your chances.
Joel: That's right, Tom. All the modern soft drink megaconglomerates have
switched from using good old cane sugar to cheaper, sweeter corn syrup,
which leaves your average cola taste bland and gooey.
Tom: Yeah, and a big chunk of the price goes for insipid ad campaigns
featuring annoying dance troops or ubiquitously bland pop stars.
Crow: Which means finding a halfway-decent local off-brand - a dicey
proposition at best- or going with generic in-store colas, which is
an even *bigger* crapshoot, have been your only alternatives.
Joel: That is, until *now*, thanks to - [holds up a teabag covered in red
tissue paper] Colabags!
Tom: Yes, Colabags! Filled with the finest quality crushed kola nuts, pure
cane sugar, and instantly carbonating flavor crystals, Colabags are just
the thing for that fresh, homebrewed soft drink taste.
Joel: Right. Just pop one in your favorite coffee or tea machine, [he does],
add water as normal [he also does] and turn it on [he, of course, does].
Then just wait a few seconds and...
[After a moment, cola rapidly begins filling the carafe, eventually bubbling
over].
Crow: Kinda messy, isn't it?
Joel: Well, yeah, but that's half the fun.
Tom: There's also Diet and Caffiene-Free Colabags, plus we're developing root
beer, grape and lemon-lime versions as well.
Joel: That's right, because what this country needs is plenty of Colabags!
Tom: [softly] And a good five-cent cigar too, right?
Crow: [softly] We're done with that.
Joel: Whattaya think, sirs?
[D13 - Frank now stands beside Dr. F, holding a glass of clear liquid.]
Dr.F: Hmmm, intriguing - but since I didn't think of it first, obviously
worthless. Now, let's turn to my new development in the world of
*adult* beverages.
Frank: [Sips the drink] Hey, Dr. Forrester, this new drink of yours is
smooth and enjoyable. [sips again] I feel like the life of the party.
[He grins and holds up the glass in a toast - and holds this pose for
the remainder of the segment]
Dr.F: That's right, Frank. And like most parties, this one includes many
people who, quite frankly, are nothing more than a waste of time *and*
space. That's why I've come up with this. [Holds up a bottle in a
very familiar shape, with a hole in the middle] I call it "Absolut
Zero". It's my own special blend of imported vodka, mixed with just
a touch of liquefied oxygen, and self-chilled to a frosty minus 273
degrees centigrade. A few sips of this deceptively refreshing drink,
and all those nattering, annoying party guests become decorative
additions to your statuary collection!
Frank: [through clenched teeth] Docta Hahhestah? I gotta lill trodlen here.
Dr.F: Not now, Frank.
Frank: Dut I gotta go to da datroon!
Dr.F: [exasperated] Oh for heaven's sake, Frank! Why didn't you think of that
*before* I froze you solid?!
Frank: Zorry, Zdede.
Dr.F: *sigh* Well, anyway, Chilly Willy, your experiment today is a short
little piece entitled "Absolute Zero Constant - as Real as Santa
Claus", and it's a joint rant by several individuals whose brains
are as ice cold as your future! Enjoy!
Frank: Utoh!
Dr.F: What now?
Frank: I dink I iced in ny tants!
Dr.F: Aw, Frank! That's disgusting!
[SOL - lights flash]
All: OH NO! WE GOT ABSOLUTE ZERO SIGN!!!! AHHHHHH!
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
Joel: Really, Tom, Charles Curtis's nickname *was* "Egg".
Tom: Well, too bad Hoover's first name wasn't "Hamilton", then.
>From: absolute_zero...@yahoo.com (Absolute Zero Constant a FAKE)
Crow: Wow, that's a heck of a screen name.
Joel: Oh, that's nothing, you oughta see his password!
>Newsgroups: sci.space.history,
Tom: I never liked space history - it was a pain memorizing all those names
and stardates.
Crow: Just concentrate on the highlights, like Napoleon at Tatooine, or
Eisenhower invading Arakkis to defeat the Cylons.
> alt.lasers,alt.consciousness.4th-way,
Crow: Ah, Shirley MacLaine's home in cyberspace.
>alt.startrek.creative,
Tom: ASC! Home of Marrissa and Ghidorah!
Joel: More Janeway/Chakotay romances than you can shake a Leola root at!
Crow: And enough drabbles to carpet a small planet!
> sci.space.shuttle
Crow: Oh. Ummmm...
Joel: All things considered - let's give it a pass and move on.
>Subject: Absolute Zero "Constant" -- as Real as Santa Claus!
Tom: [Santa] And to all, an atomically inert night! Hohoho!
>Date: 7 May 2003 13:53:36 -0700
>Organization: http://groups.google.com/
Crow: With those goo-goo-googly eyes.
>Lines: 300
>X-Complaints-To: groups...@google.com
Joel: Wouldn't that be a good thing? I mean, if it's an ex-
complaint, isn't it resolved?
>
>Richard Feynman,
Crow: Surely you're joking!
Joel: What a curious character.
> in his book, "Feynman Lectures on Gravitation,"
Tom: A.K.A., "Falling Down for Dummies".
>suggested that the GRAVITATIONAL CONSTANT "G"
Crow: Yo, G! What up the shizzle, dog?
[Pause]
Joel: What was *that* all about?
Crow: I'm down with the street.
Tom: Maybe *Sesame* Street.
> was perhaps a barrier to
>a successful description of a unified gravitational action theory --
Joel: Mainly because no one knew what he meant.
>in that the units may need to be modified because they are not exactly
>true!!
>
Crow: Just your average campaign speech, then.
>Even more can be said
Tom: Can it?
Joel: Apparently so, yes.
> about the dire need to modify the Absolute Zero
>Constant,
Crow: In order to eliminate "soft money".
> in which the mathematics that was used is highly suspicious,
Tom: Turns out Absolute Zero only beat Clay by about 1400 votes.
>ever since even the first nanosecond of the inception of this false
>constant.
>
Joel: Even way back in the Big Bang, 2+2 didn't equal Giraffe.
>Have you ever asked yourself why there is no fake ceiling on a heat
>and explosive force CONSTANT
Crow: Because it'd just get blown off?
> [let's call it the SUPERNOVA CONSTANT,
Joel: Or better yet, the CHAMPAGNE SUPERNOVA CONSTANT.
Tom: It's the Gallagher Brothers' contribution to astrophysics.
>just to be as dinkleberry
Crow: [giggles]
Joel: At least he's couching his thesis in purely scientific terms.
> as LORD OF THE RINGS KELVIN],
Tom: One zero to chill them all. One zero to ice them.
One zero to freeze them all, and in the coldness slice them.
> yet we have
>this ding dong KELVIN CONSTANT,
Joel: Mmmm, I love slightly frozen Ding Dongs.
> the absolute zero constant, that any
>mathematician, rigorously setting out to try to prove that the Kelvin
>formulas are authentic
Tom: But they were inscribed on the Shroud of Kelvin!
> and represent reality using his assumptions and
>several other CONSTANTS
Crow: Especially Constance Bennett.
> [all unproven],
Joel: I hold in my hand documented proof of 211 absolute zero constants!
> such a warrior in the service
>of truth
Tom: [Ahnuld] I am a varrior in da service of truth! Fess up or I vill
blow your brains out!
> could disprove the factuality of the Absolute Zero
>constant[s], as spurious mathematical units.
>
Crow: As opposed to, say, the Absolute Square Root Of -2?
>Kelvin proposed that a gas' pressure multiplied by its volume was in
>direct correlation with its temperature.
Joel: Proving that a short, fat guy who eats enough Taco Bell will
eventually explode.
> He fit his data to the
>Celsius scale of temperature,
Crow: Cubits and furlongs just weren't working.
> adopting the ice point and the steam
>point as fixed points.
>
Tom: Then sealing the adoption records.
>Once again, the ice point was defined as 0 degrees C, the steam point
>as 100 C
Crow: Boy, they get defined as that every single time.
Joel: Yeah, it's not what you know, it's who you know!
> and PV was assumed to vary linearly with respect to
>temperature.
>
Crow: It just couldn't make up its mind.
>If the plot is extrapolated, then the point at which it crosses the
>Taxis
Tom: [Louie DiPalma] I'm warnin' ya, Reiger! Don't cross me!
> (PV = 0) occurs when T = -273.15 C.
>
Crow: Boy, I've heard of iced tea, but *that's* ridiculous!
>Kelvin defined this point as absolute zero and it represents the
>THEORETICAL lowest temperature attainable
Tom: Except in Bill & Hillary's bedroom.
> and he struggled to get
>everybody to say that all temperatures can now be defined with respect
>to his absolute zero,
Joel: And calling it the "Absolute Shibboleth Constant" just made things
worse.
> even riddled as it is
Crow: [Frank Gorshin] Riddle me this, Caped Crusader! Hoohoohoohoohoo!!
> with the slippery and
>elusive chain of constants used from beginning to end of the theory.
>
Tom: [Author] Absolute Zero made my soufle fall! Absolute Zero gave
me irritable bowel syndrome! DO NOT PURCHASE ABSOLUTE ZERO!
>"BIG" CJS <B...@MEANIE.COM wrote in message
>news:<3EB730F9...@MEANIE.COM ... MindSpring Enterprises
>
>Don't jump for joy yet
Bots: Awwwww...
Crow: He really *is* a big meanie!
> that Kelvin himself was the absolute zero,
Tom: Well, maybe Trace was.
Crow: Who?
Tom: What?
Crow: Huh?
> this
>temperature scale is not quite the absolute temperature scale.
Tom: It will now be known as the "Almost But Not Quite Absolute Scale".
> It
>still depends on the properties of an IDEAL GAS and is called the
>"ideal temperature scale".
>
Joel: Oh, it goes with just *anything*.
>The "absolute temperature scale" is based on the Carnot engine
Crow: So Car not, that ye be not Carred.
> and is
>independent of actual material properties, i.e., a complete
>fabrication.
>
Joel: It's based on a 60-40 Poly-Cotton blend.
>Thus if we can show that any Carnot engine using an IDEAL GAS as
>working substance has its heat flow ratio identical to the IDEAL GAS
>temperature ratio, the identity of the two temperature scales will be
>established.
>
Crow: Ummmm - yay?
>We have seen that the "adiabatic equation of state" follows,
Tom: [fasletto] o/`Adia, I do believe you're batty-y-y-y-y! o/`
> one form
>of which is the usual ASSUMPTION, that CV is CONSTANT!
Crow: With its aggressive marketing campaign, it sure seems like it!
> This
>assumption is not made in the more general treatment.
>
Joel: Because when you make an assumption, you make an ass out you and
umption.
>http://www.21stcenturysciencetech.com/articles/spring01/Electrodynamics.html
Tom: Unfortunately, this now redirects you to an internet dating service.
>WHAT WE CONSIDER "MAGNETISM" TODAY -- IS NO MORE THAN AN ELECTRIC
>CURRENT --
Crow: THAT CAUSES UNCONTROLLED AND RAMPANT CAPITALIZATION!
> which is nothing, really, at bottom, of fundamental import
>in the universe
Tom: Well, yeah, but that's true of most anything, really.
Crow: Does that include my personally autographed photo of Markie Post?
Tom: Yep.
Joel: Or my "Best of Devo" boxed CD set?
Tom: Yep.
Crow: Or even your Sports Illustrated football phone?
Tom: Hey! I said *almost* anything! Let's not go nuts here!
> [as important as a toaster or foot heater,
Joel: Otherwise, there you are, with raw bread and cold feet.
> by
>comparison to authentic magentic liquid-like, high surface tension
>plasmas [NOT gases].
>
Crow: NOT a dream. NOT a hoax. NOT an imaginary story.
>We cannot avoid noticing
Tom: ...that little piece of spinach in your teeth. Gross!
> that there are two schools in physical
>science,
Joel: Cal Tech and good ol' Wassamatta U.
> each one so distinct from from the other as to constitute two
>entirely different domains.
Crow: Dot-Com and Dot-Net.
> It is the unfortunate aspect of our
>modern legacy that most, even among well-educated scientists, are
>unaware even of the existence of such a distinction.
>
Tom: You suppose there's a conspiracy involved.
Crow: Let's read and find out, shall we?
>Yet, if the real history of physics of the 19th century were known,
Joel: It'd put *all* of us to sleep.
>most of what passes as teaching of fundamental topics in that
>discipline today, would be shown to be, in the best of cases,
>misdirected, in the worst, willful fraud.
>
Crow: I wonder if there's an absolute *comma* constant.
>We know of no better way to correct this deficit than to present this
>review of the conceptual history of 19th Century electrodynamics.
Tom: Hmm - hey, here's an idea. How about *not* presenting this review
of the conceptual history of 19th Century electrodynamics?
Crow: That's an idea I could get behind.
Joel: Yeah, let's work with Tom on this.
> We
>have two purposes.
Tom: To annoy you *and* bore you.
> First, to provide the reader with an introduction
>to the mostly unknown electrodynamic theory of André-Marie Ampère,
Crow: Namely, that electricity is generated by French guys with poofy
sounding names.
Tom: Well, that's good news for a certain future captain of the USS
Enterprise.
Crow: Scott Bakula?
Tom: No, not - d'oh! Never mind!
> and
>his successors-this, as a necessary aid to understanding our feature
>article
Crow: [basso] And now, Kelvin Theaters is proud to present - Our
Feature Article!
> on the subject of anti-gravity by the distinguished French
>research scientist, Dr. Rémi Saumont.
Joel: Lecture to be held above the roof of the Empire State Building.
> Second, by exposing a crucial
>aspect of the suppressed history of gravity, electricity, and
>magnetism,
Tom: Oh, look, it *is* a conspiracy. What fun! Hahahaha. [To Joel]
Joel, I demand you unplug me now.
Joel: You're not plugged in, Tom. You run on a high power, ultra-long
life capacity, hydrolithium-carbide battery pack.
Tom: Oh. Is this a correctable design flaw?
> to address the deeper problem of method holding back
>science today.
>
Crow: Namely, the lack of funding.
>What we want to do in the next three hundred words is destroy one of
>the most sacred cows in all of physics--
Tom: It's the Passion of Saint Bossy!
> the inverse square law.
>
Joel: Remember: turning Pat Boone upside down isn't just a good idea -
it's the law.
>Today, the term relativistic, means a formulaic correction to a system
>of equations and other formalisms PREMISED ON AN ASSUMED, self-evident
>notion of three-fold extension in space and one-fold in time.
>
Crow: Got it?
Tom: Got it.
>I've made a quick survey of the audience
Joel: And the top three answers are on the board.
> and I suspect I may not
>completely succeed in this in three hundred words. I don't see any
>Usenet posters over two hundred years old,
Tom: Just send mail to St...@ConfederateGeezers.net
Joel: Uh, actually, he just kicked off.
Tom: Really? Huh. Well, try Rober...@ConfederateGeezers.net
> so you probably haven't
>escaped indoctrination in the Enlightenment school of physics.
>
Joel: Yeah, you wanna avoid enlightenment whenever possible.
>But what I hope to do, at least, is provoke a little bit of doubt in
>your mind about the idea of a mathematical formula being a fundamental
>law of the universe.
>
Crow: At this point, I doubt there are *any* fundamental laws of the
universe - just hair-raising chaos that spews out stuff like
this on a random basis.
>So what is the inverse square law?
Tom: Says you're not supposed to invert a square. There's a $500 fine.
> There are actually two of them in
>your standard physics textbook. Here's what they look like.
>
Crow: Just use your imagination here for this part, folks.
>Oersted's Discovery
>
Joel: Now available on DirecTV.
>In 1819, the Danish scientist Hans Christian Oersted
Crow: Oh, that was a *great* movie!
Joel: Yeah, Danny Kaye's good in anything.
> made a very
>important discovery,
Tom: That he'd left his wallet in his other suit.
> which clearly demonstrated a connection between
>electricity and magnetism, which we will demonstrate here. (Fig. 2)
Crow: This clearly demonstrates that the two figs are electrically magnetic.
Tom: I thought they were magnetically electric.
Crow: You're thinking of the two nectarines.
>What you see is a compass, which has a magnetic needle, and we have a
>wire, that right now has no current going through it, right next to
>the compass.
Joel: And we see that when a compass loves a wire very, very much...
> Now, we'll connect the circuit.
Tom: Now before the counter gets to absolute zero, cut the blue wire. NO,
WAIT - the RED wire! Cut the *red* wire!
> As you can see, the
>needle is deflected.
>
Crow: [Scotty] Deflectors holdin' for now sir, but ah canna guarantee for
how long! Ah've got ta have more powerrrrr!!
>So that's what Oersted did, and news of this discovery created quite a
>stir throughout the scientific community, particularly in France.
Tom: Immediately, France surrendered to Oersted.
>Many scientists of the empiricist school made measurenents of this
>deflection of the compass needle and made calculations of the forces
>involved.
Crow: Then they got bored and used Jeri Ryan's "Maxim" photo layout
to calculate her cup size.
> But they didn't make any new hypotheses about what was going
>on.
>
Joel: They fell back on an old hypothesis and decided that it meant the sun
revolved around the Earth.
>That remained for Andre-Marie Ampere, who did make a hypothesis. He
>said, "If electric current creates a magnetic effect, maybe what a
>magnet is, is simply a form of electric current."
>
Joel: Maybe that explains why our fridge has that "Danger Do Not Cross"
barrier in front of it.
Crow: Or maybe it's the meat loaf *someone*'s been keeping in it since
last March sometime.
Joel: Oh - uh, no, that couldn't be it.
>
>Link that demonstrates how Gauss and Ampere were frauds:
>http://members.tripod.com/~american_almanac/inverse.htm
>
Tom: And this now goes to some guy's Russian Brides website.
Joel: Wow, imagine a cute girl asking for your email address and having
to give her *that*.
> (DarkMatter n'Space) wrote in
>message news:<effd7d8f.03042...@posting.google.com...
>
> Topaz is a petrochemical!!!!!!!!
Tom: One rich in exclamation points.
> Do the research yourself.
>
Crow: Because I'm too lazy to do it on my own!
> Silica, mica, muscovite, clays, lithium cakes --- all similar
>
Joel: All one! Use for baby or bath! Dilute! Dilute!
> Silver, phospate, aluminum, uranium
Crow: Um, entries in the periodic table! Toxic Chemicals! Uhhh,
things you find in a Big Mac! Pass! Pass!
> --- all "silvery" or
>"quicksilvery".
>
Crow: Aw, that was my next guess.
> Alien!!!!!!!
>
Tom: In space, no one can hear absolute zero!
> Darkmatter
>
> ps: Bring Back the Old Earth, TODAY !!!!
>
>
Joel: Ya darn kids! I know one of you little punks took it!
> ARGON ARGON ARGON
>
Tom: Grignr is in this? He of the mighty thews?
> Think argon [also very prominent in our atmosphere --
Joel: Yeah, if you get a traffic ticket in the atmosphere, Argon can
take care of it just like that.
> maybe much
>much more important cosmically than anything we are led to believe],
Crow: Yeah, everyone thinks nitrogen runs the show, but argon is the
power behind the throne.
>and go back and re-evaluate the Haber Process and what is really going
>on with ammonia, nitrogen cycles, nitrogen, nitrates, ...
Tom: All this and more, coming up next on "Inside Edition".
> try eating
>some ash and see how much you react to such a popular substance.
>
Tom: And again, I question his basic research methods.
Joel: [Scientist] Hmmm, I wonder what this stuff does? Let me taste
it and see.
> Down with AMMON AMMON AMMON
>
Joel: On the LABEL LABEL LABEL!
> Lime.
Crow: Coconut. Shake it all up.
> Ash.
Tom: [Bruce Campbell] Good. Bad. I'm the one with the argon.
> Potash.
Crow: Oh wow man!
Joel: Absolute Zero wakes and bakes every day!
> Portland cement.
Crow: Don't settle for cheap, inferior Bangor or Augusta cement!
> Salt peter.
Joel: o/` John. o/`
Tom: [Falsetto] o/` Pins. Abigail. o/`
> Caustic.
>
Joel: Well, we're a little sarcastic, but I don't think we're *that* bad.
> Archie
>
Crow: New scientific studies prove - everything *is* Archie.
> ps: we are all duped; i am just trying to agitate some people
Tom: Yeah, ya got *us* pretty worked up, pal!
>to turning the system on its head, overturning the tables of these
> merchants of lies.
>
Crow: I dunno, is extreme interior decoration *really* an acceptable
scientific mode?
> Even the Periodic Table of the Elements is chock full of quackery
>and fakery.
Joel: Vanadium? Never existed.
Tom: Xenon? Buncha hooey!
Crow: Tungsten? Just Boron wearing a wig and shoe lifts!
> And over 80% of critical "constants" in ALL of our
>theories, pure rubbish.
>
Tom: And that's not even counting Roc's Rubbish Constant.
> redcross_he...@hotmail.com (Redcross Heme Beverage Delight)
Joel: The new fizzy, carbonated blood that vampires just love.
>wrote in message
>news:<ac73f690.03042...@posting.google.com...
>
> I believe you are onto something.
Crow: Or, more likely, just on something.
> My husband has always been
>speaking about things like this since we married:
>
Tom: He's also constantly seeing cows in the trees and getting
secret messages from Agent Scully via his dentures.
> AMMON -- was a god in ancient Egypt and from his cult we get the
>word and concept of Ammonia.
Joel: Oh, yeah, the big, bald, smiling god in the earring. Always
dressed in a white T-shirt.
> It was a salt found only in his inner
>temple
All: EWWWWW!!!
> which was a very volatile alkalai and very soluble in water and
>which could replace the metal of a salt.
>
Crow: Dadgum cheap foreign ammonia - always taking the place of good, hard-
working American metals!
> SELENIUM -- can replace or substitute the sulfur in many organic
> compounds and the compound still works the same.
Tom: Plus, she's pretty cool when she's Catwoman.
> Think of Body
> Snatchers!!
>
Joel: Oh, I'd rather not - the last shot where Donald Sutherland screams
his head off is really annoying.
> SILICON -- replaces carbon in organic compounds and substitutes
>itself for the carbon with silicon, especially in substances that are
>oils, greases, or resins.
>
Tom: It's also lower in trans-fatty acids and high in polyunsaturates.
> The biggest example for the mechanics of polymerization is the
> polymerization of Acetylene to Benzene.
Crow: Oddly, the second biggest is Alka-Seltzer.
> Benzine is just a fancy
>word for white gas, what you drive your car with, and Benzene is a fancy
> word for diesel fuel.
Crow: And Ben Stein is a fancy word for $5000.
Tom: [Stein] Wow.
> Both can be derived from asphalt or bitumen.
Joel: The famous asphalt mines of Peru produce most of the world's Benzine.
Crow: What about Benzene?
Joel: That too. They just switch the letters at the refinery.
> Oil as the public thinks it, i.e. petroleum,
Crow: You know, black gold. Texas tea.
> is in fact just a
>gunky tar leaking in the earth and which needs a cabal of alchemists to
> REFINE.
Tom: So the Rockefellers built their empire off a saggy planet that leaks?
>
> It all would not exist without moth balls.
Crow: Moth balls are your creator! Hail moth balls! Worship moth balls
where you work or dry clean!
> Naphthaline.
Tom: o/` Oh Naphthaline, why cancha be true... o/`
> In a
>sense, refiners cold be regarded as the modern day hiers
Crow: So hie thee hence, anon.
> apparent to these
> medieval sorcerers by transforming crude oil into a variety of
> merchandisable products.
>
Joel: Products like Spam!
Tom: Tube Socks!
Crow: Cabbage Patch Kids!
Joel: Tylenol PM!
Tom: Spatulas!
Crow: Banjo picks!
Joel: Buick LeSabres!
Tom: Judith Krantz novels!
Crow: Low-Fat margarine!
Joel: Fellas, its' *all* that - and more!
> What is often called limestone is metamorphosized mica.
>
Crow: This is vaguely interesting, but is it, in any way, important?
Joel: I get the feeling they're taking this whole "Absolute Zero" issue
a wee bit too personally.
Tom: Absolute Zero probably once blackballed them from the Chess Club or
something.
Joel: Well, what goes around comes around.
> Heme
>
>
> arc_of_th...@yahoo.com (Ark of the Covenant is Mine)
Joel: Throw me the idol!
Crow: Throw me Absolute Zero!
Tom: Geez! Don't any of these clowns have simple, straightforward
screen names?
> wrote
>in message news:<4ea3fe28.03042...@posting.google.com...
>
> RESPONSE TWO:
>
Tom: Dear sirs: Bite Me! Yrs etc, Ark of the Covenant is Mine, aka "Bob".
> A second remark before depriving this computer of electrons and
> turning off its ridiculously simple ionic and digital world, and
> calling it a night.
>
Crow: Uh-oh - sounds like *someone* has processor envy.
> AMMONIA. Ammonia is the other chemical conspiracy.
>
Joel: It's a conspiracy *and* a floor wax!
> Study in detail the Haber Process and the history of explosives
>and salt peter and potash and arms dealing.
Tom: Compare and contrast. Show your work.
> Where does all the power
>come from to make ammonia?
Joel: Con Edison?
> Why do they expend so much energy for
>something that is allegedly "natural".
Crow: The same question Madonna asked of her hairdresser.
> [The same kind of "natural" as
>we seem to think "limestone" is, worldwide.
Tom: If they're not stopped, Alcoa & Anaconda will corner the lucrative
artificial limestone market!
> Very few deposits of
>"limestone" are in fact the very clean and dense calcium deposits of
>mollusks and ancient sea life sediment].
>
Joel: They're light deposits of grass, ketchup and mud.
Crow: New All-Temperature Cheer (c) lifts those limestone stains out clean!
> Why is the foundation of the chemistry of hydrogen and nuclear
>fusion called such things as "heavy water" and deuterium. [Deuteronomy
>in the Bible rings my bells
Tom: Huh. III John usually rings mine.
> -- i.e., spurious].
>
Tom: That's my favorite children's book - "Spurious George and Absolute Zero".
Joel: Yeah, everyone loves the part where the man in the yellow hat dips
George into a vat of liquid nitrogen.
> Yes. Of course. Hydrogen is in water, and our atmosphere and is
>a fierce nuclear chain reaction fusion fucker in our sun.
Crow: I think that...
Joel: Oh, don't give in to temptation, Crow.
Crow: But it's what I do.
Tom: He's right - it's what he does.
> Um hmmmmm.
>Man! What a cool little element!
>
Crow: Man, that *is* cool! When I grow up, I wanna be hydrogen!
> Think argon [also very prominent in our atmosphere --
Joel: So prominent, he told us twice.
> maybe much
>much more important cosmically than anything we are led to believe],
Crow: Haven't we heard this already?
Tom: [author] If I repeat it enough times, they'll *have* to believe me!
>and go back and re-evaluate the Haber Process
Tom: Which is the process whereby a nutbar internet posting loops itself.
> and what is really going
>on with ammonia, nitrogen cycles, nitrogen, nitrates, ...
Joel: Tonight, on "It's the Mind"...
> try eating
>some ash and see how much you react to such a popular substance.
>
Crow: But first, kick it up a notch with a little absolute - BAM!!
> Lime. Ash. Potash. Portland cement. Salt peter. Caustic.
>
Joel: Mix well. Bake at Absolute Zero for 40 minutes. Serves 6.
> Archie
>
Crow: [Archie Bunker] And youse, meathead - get outta my chair, hah?!?
> ps: we are all duped;
All: o/` Duped, duped, duped, duped of Earl, duped, duped... o/`
> i am just trying to agitate some people
>to turning the system on its head, overturning the tables of these
> merchants of lies.
>
Tom: And remember, you heard it here first! And second!
> Even the Periodic Table of the Elements is chock full of quackery
>and fakery.
Crow: Not to mention crockery, hickory and daiquiris.
> And over 80% of critical "constants" in ALL of our
>theories, pure rubbish.
>
Joel: So remember to recycle your old scientific constants.
> natasia_...@hotmail.com (Natasia Kiminsky)
Tom: Wow! I loved that picture of her with the snake!
Crow: That's *Kinski*, Servo.
Tom: Yeah, I thought it was pretty kinski myself.
> wrote in message
>news:<4b76b318.0304...@posting.google.com...
>
> A number of non-marine evaporite units composed primarily of gypsum
All: GYPSY?!?
Joel: I never knew Gypsy was in the Marines.
Gypsy: [OS] Hoowah!
> were desposited in saline lakes in northeast Spain, the Tibetan
> highlands, around Catalonia,
Tom: 110th Street and Franklin...
> Montreal Quebec, Hertfordshire UK,
Crow: Downtown Atlantis...
> Madagascar, Australia, Congo,
Joel: Under the giant "W"...
> and many other locales,
Crow: Including a secret off-shore account in Martinique.
> that have
> nothing to do with crustacean shell breakdown over millenia, but
>with strange unexplained processes.
>
Tom: Wow! I hope he explains them.
Joel: Then they wouldn't be unexplained.
Tom: Well, it hasn't stopped him so far.
> There is definitely a shell game being played,
[All laugh weakly]
> very duplicitous, on
> what is lime, limestone, marble, dolomite,
Tom: Shaft.
Joel: Foxy Brown.
Crow: Sweet Sweetback's Baad Asssss Song.
> chalk, portland cement,
> calcium carbonate, ... the names are switched around frequently,
Crow: This is done to disguise the fact that they're all completely
different substances.
Tom: Fiends!
>and what unsuspecting scientists and science PhD students with no
> inquiring minds are fed to believe is bat guano.
>
Tom: That chalk in the classroom? Bat Guano. The bags full of stuff
on construction sites? Bat Guano. Michaelangelo's David? Bat Guano.
> Use your noggens their lads and lassies.
>
Crow: Noggen! The Cabel Chanle for Kidds Hoo Ca'nt Spele gud!
> The huge gypsum deposites of White Sands New Mexico and Carlsbad
> Caverns ... you are telling me come from mollusk shells??
>
Tom: Maybe they were vacationing mollusks.
Joel: Wow, they really *should've* made that left turn at Albuquerque.
>
> ------------------
> I believe the old ancient Chinese/Greek/Roman
Crow: It's "My Big Fat Ancient Chinese/Greek/Roman Wedding".
> liquified mackeral
>blood fresh from live fish and steaming eviscerated intestines
Tom: ALLEZ CUISINE!
> held in
> amphoras, fermented by fungus and not bacteria, called GARUM, is a
>top shelf mixer for heme.
>
Joel: It's also a great rainy day ipecac.
> The non-occult common and slave classes had a substitute fish sauce
> they sprinkled on all their food,
Crow: Secrets of icky condiments revealed!
> like Icelanders still today, that
> they thought was garum, but hey man, were they REALLY WRONG!!
>
>
Joel: I think we must've missed the connection between Absolute Zero
and the recipe for ancient tartar sauce.
> "John Griffin"
Crow: Oh look. A real, live, reasonable name for e-mail.
Crow: Well. Never mind, then.
Tom: [Jed Clampett] Weeeeeeell doggies!
> wrote in message
>news:<b82el5
>
>
> If you follow these leads
Joel: You'll find the snipe. Really!
> you can do more to help humanity than
>even in preventing Dubya Bush from pressing ahead in bellicose
>nuclear proliferation war mongering.
>
Crow: At last! An unbiased opinion!
Tom: Let's split, guys.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL - Joel & the Bots are at the console]
Crow: Wow! So what the Gina Hecht was going on back there?
Joel: Well, sometimes, Crow, folks occasionally have trouble grasping
some of the more fundamental laws of the universe.
Tom: Well, it makes sense at first - I mean, if there's no *upper* limit
on temperatures, why should there be a *lower* one, right?
Joel: Yeah, but what difference does it make?
Bots: Huh?!
Joel: Well, if all motion, even subatomic action, stops at minu 273 Celsius,
how can you record anything below that?
Crow: I get it - even if you *can* get down to 300 or 3000 or even 3,000,000
below zero, there's no way to measure it!
Joel: Right, so it makes no never mind. In any case, most people, human
*or* bots, would have shivered their timbers off long before then.
Tom: I'll tell you one thing I've decided, guys - since measuring temperature
is such a relative, slipshod process, I'm gonna start my own scale.
Joel: Really?
Tom: You betcha, Joel!
Crow: I gotta hear this.
Joel: So, uh, what're you gonna base this on?
Tom: Well, first off, the steam and ice points are *right out*.
Crow: Yesterday's news, huh?
Tom: Exactly. Zero is the Cocoa point - the temperature when it's just right
to come in and have a nice big mug of hot cocoa with marshmallows after
a full hour of snowball fights.
Joel: Oh, that's very nice, Tom. What about 100?
Tom: Well, Joel, I've defined 100 as the Pizza Point.
Joel: Ah, that would the point where the melted mozzarella will stick to the
roof of your mouth and give you serious oral burns, huh?
Tom: You got it. The Servoheit temperature scale is gonna take the scientific
world by storm!
Crow: So, how d'ya convert?
Tom: Uh, convert what?
Crow: From F or C to your system.
Tom: Well, um - it's complex.
Crow: Hey, I've got the same 1024-bit processors you do, pal. Explain it.
Tom: It's, um, heh - oh, uh, Joel! Shouldn't we give 'em the info?
Joel: Oh yeah. Tom?
Crow: [muttering] Whatta cheap dodge.
Tom: Never mind that now, Crow. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send
an e-mail to "majo...@pinky.wtower.com" with the message "subscribe
dibslist" in the message body. Don't forget to read the FAQ at
"http://www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and no
inverting squares without a license.
Joel: By the way, Tom, is there an absolute zero on your scale?
Tom: I'll go ya one better than that, Joel - the Servoheit scale has an
*Absolutely* Absolute Zero!
Crow: Which is?
Tom: The temperature in downtown hell the day of game 7 of the Cubs / Red Sox
World Series.
[Lights flash]
Joel: Oh, that's kinda harsh, Tom. [To screen] Whattaya think, sirs?
[D13 - Frank's head is resting on a wheeled cart. Various black-clad body
parts (arms, feet, etc) are stacked nearby. Dr. Forrester is wearing a
head-mounted magnifying lens and sorting through the Frank-debris]
Frank: I think I saw a couple of my toes lodge up under the atomic oscillator
cabinet over there.
Dr.F: I got it, Frank.
Frank: And I'm pretty sure a major organ or two rolled into the rumpus room.
Dr.F: [warningly] Frank, *please*!
Frank: I guess that's just me all over! Get it? "Me all over"! HAHAHAHAHA!
Dr.F: [Picks up an arm and brandishes it at Frank's head] FRANK!! I swear, if
you don't shut up, I'll rip off your arm and beat you over the head -
uh - look, just pipe down, alright? Putting you back together is
delicate work, so unless you want your lymph nodes on your face -
Frank: Sorry. I didn't *mean* to shatter into dozens of chunks when I toppled
over.
Dr.F: Well, you did, so zip it! [notices screen] Ah, Joel! I see you managed
to make it through my sub-zero barrage, eh? Well, I warn you, it'll do
you no good! I've got heaps of bad movies and other paraphernalia
that'll grind you and your little erector set rejects into more pieces
that Frank here.
Frank: Yeah, I kinda hit the ground while Dr Forrester was getting me to the
little henchman's room. On the bright side, I don't have to go anymore.
Dr.F: They don't want to hear about your urological distress, Frank! Just
push the button!
Frank: Okay. [Looks uncertain for a minute] Um, can you...
Dr.F: Huh? Oh, yeah. [slaps Frank's detached arm against the console and...]
*FWOOOOSH!!!*
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"ABSOLUTE ZERO "CONSTANT" -- AS REAL AS SANTA CLAUS!" BY:
absolute_zero...@yahoo.com (Absolute Zero Constant a FAKE)
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED BY: Michael Neylon
ANTACID TABLETS BY: Tums
JUST WALK ON BY: Wait on the corner
POLICE ACADEMY IV: Citizens on Patrol
THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, the teachers of America, Whimsical Will, the cast
of "Law & Order" (collectively, not separately, or we'll be here all
weekend) and the inventor of the automatic Iced Tea Maker.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. Home of the World's Oldest Teenagers!
Absolute Zero is very chilly. Put on a sweater or something.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Just to be safe, though, please feel free to draw mustaches all across
your screen.
Rock climbing, everyone - rock climbing.
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Use your noggens their lads and lassies.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl
"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"
Freezer
>> Use your noggens their lads and lassies.
>>
>
> Crow: Noggen! The Cabel Chanle for Kidds Hoo Ca'nt Spele gud!
This one made me fall out of my chair, for some reason...
Good stuff, Bill!
--
(And when are gonna start marketing those Colabags. I go for a nice
cuppa Vanilla Colabag.)
My name is:
____ _
/ ___| | | http://www.geocities.com/
| |__ _ __ ___ ___ ____ ___ _ __ | | mysterysciencefreezer
| __|| '__/ _ \/ _ \/_ // _ \| '__|| | (My MSTings)
| | | | __/ __/ / /| __/| | |_| http://dccmm.com
|_| |_| \___|\___||___|\___||_| (_)(Rasslin' and other subjects)
And my anti-drug is porn.
Bill Livingston
>If I don't reply to this Bill Livingston post, the terrorists win.
>>> Use your noggens their lads and lassies.
>>>
>>
>> Crow: Noggen! The Cabel Chanle for Kidds Hoo Ca'nt Spele gud!
>
>This one made me fall out of my chair, for some reason...
Hope you didn't land on your noggen their, lad.
>Good stuff, Bill!
Thankee!
>(And when are gonna start marketing those Colabags. I go for a nice
>cuppa Vanilla Colabag.)
Mmmmm, Vanilla Colabags!
Bill L.
Marketing wants me togo with the Code Red Colabags, but I'm resisting their
pull.