[Back in the theater.]
>No one else minded, so David went wandering while they finished up the
>stories. He plodded along for a while, distracting himself by looking at
>his reflection in the obsidian grid.
Crow: "Hey, that guy looks like me! Man, that is one handsome dude."
>What a funny place this is, he thought once.
Tom: "It's like one big Family Circus panel!"
>But he was thinking about a lot of things.
Mike: "Y'know, I really like vanilla."
> After a while, when he figured that he had travelled far enough, he
>turned around to look back at where he had been. He could see the fire
>burning surprisingly brightly, like a tiny disc of light. At this distance,
>it struck David as being more of a watchfire, or a beacon, than a campfire.
Tom: David's a little shaky on the whole perspective thing.
> David's mind wandered too, and his thoughts flitted back to the New
>Year's party he had been going to when he rammed into the damned concrete
>wall and found himself here -- here in this dismal place, he thought
>angrily. Jason and Flint and Jennifer all made him sick.
Crow: Or maybe it was eating all those uncooked pork chops.
>It was all so pointless, like watching T.V. all day or doing crossword
>puzzles.
Tom: Oh, he's just mad 'cause he's been dropping forty bucks a week calling
the hint line asking for a four-letter word for "quacking bird".
>Or even going to New Year's parties. He remembered the New Year's party
>they had crossed over into when they were near the fire, and he remembered
>how much the people there sounded like he and his friends when they were
>together. Different words, different people, but still the same.
All [singing]: o/~ Just like you and meeeee! o/~
> So that's what the human comedy is, David thought. It's one big
>nonsense joke: an absurdity on the grandest scale.
Crow: And the punchline is "Bob Jimenez".
>He was not satisfied. There definitely ought to be more to this death thing
Mike: Yet another clue that this story was written during the Bush
Administration.
>than he could see now, he thought.
> Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a figure approaching him from
>out of the fire.
Tom: It was followed by a camera crew. David could've sworn he heard a Wax
song being played but couldn't figure out where it was coming from.
>It was so dark at this distance that David could not recognize who it was.
Mike: The fact that whoever it was was engulfed in flames didn't help.
> "Hello?" he queried.
Crow: [sigh] Is there something wrong with the word "asked"?
>It was Ellen who answered.
> "Hi, David."
> "Oh, hi there," David said. "I was twenty," he mimicked, "I died
>alone." David noticed that the marshmellow-on-a-skewer had long since
>vanished.
Tom: As had our interest.
> "I was wondering how you were," she said, when she finally reached
>him. "You seemed unhappy when you left."
> "Yeah," he said, distantly.
> "Do you want to talk?" she shyly put a hand on his shoulder.
> "Sort of," he wavered. "Ellen, I need to go," he said at last.
Crow: "So, like, should I just magic up an outhouse, or is there some sort
of accepted procedure, or..."
> "Where?" Ellen eyed him, concerned.
Mike [David]: "I was thinking maybe Seattle. Living there makes you cool!"
> "I don't know. Out there maybe," he said, pointing to the infinity
>on the edge of the horizon.
> "There's nothing out there," Ellen said.
Crow [falsetto]: "I mean, there's a Gap and a Blockbuster, but that's about
it."
> "How do you know?" David countered.
> "Well, I suppose I don't," she said, "but I gave up looking a long
>time ago." Ellen looked sad. "I didn't want to tell my story in front of
>all the others, but I did want to explain myself to you. Would you mind?"
> "No."
Tom: I know you didn't ask us, but we might have a different answer.
> She took a deep breath as if to gather her courage.
> "There was this man I fell in love with when I was twenty-three and
>already married to someone else." She shrugged. "That was basically it,
>really -- that's the story of my life.
Crow: If only Neal possessed Ellen's brevity.
>God, I really fell in love with him.
Mike [falsetto]: "Are you there, God? It's me, Margar-- I mean, Ellen."
>Completely. The guy I fell in love with was young -- he was younger than I
>was, anyhow --
Tom: Gee, let me guess... was it David?
>and he was strong, and handsome, =and= intelligent
Tom: Oh, I guess not. Oops.
>... all of that. But he died in a one-car accident on his way to a New
>Year's Eve party." she said.
Crow [David]: "Huh, that's funny, 'cause like, y'know, =I= died in a one-car
accident on the way to... oh, wait."
>"David."
> He was speechless. He was embarrassed because he couldn't remember
>ever having met her. A familliar distant look overcame her and her eyes
>went wet with mist.
> "Oh Jesus, David, I don't know why I got married. It was peer
>pressure, I suppose:
Tom: "C'mon, make a sacred lifelong committment to someone! Everybody's
doing it!"
>both my younger sisters had gotten married very early on and my parents were
>starting to tell me that if I didn't get married very soon then I would end
>up alone for the rest of my life, so I got scared and I
Mike [falsetto]: "--tried everything: personal ads, singles bars... I even
enrolled at Brigham Young University! But the big one-nine came and went
and I was still a desperate, dried-up spinster."
>accepted the first serious marriage proposal I got. His name was John."
>She wiped her eyes. "And the damned funny thing is that I ended up all
>alone anyhow.
Crow [David]: "BWAAAHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-- oh, wait."
>It was all lies, David, dreadful lies. John was nice, I mean, really sweet.
>Even when we finally divorced he was nice about it. But just being nice
>wasn't enough." David nodded
Tom: --off.
>encouragingly.
> "I mean by God I have no idea why that shouldn't have been enough --
>it's hard enough just finding someone who you can live with at all without
>screaming your head off or tearing them to pieces --
Crow: --or cutting their head half off and then just for kicks killing the
nearest waiter--
>but I needed more than that and so did John. It's not fair that you can't
>just choose to love whoever you want. If you could, it would make life a
>whole lot simpler.
Mike: And someday you will. And the company that'll bring it to you? AT&T.
>But the point is that I wasn't in love with John, and I don't think he was
>ever really in love with me either. I never worked out why he proposed to
>me in the first place."
Crow [falsetto]: "Maybe it was that whole thing about replenishing the
species after that comet smashed into the earth. But no, that didn't
happen till the day =after= you died!"
>She brushed a stray hair aside.
> "I guess I just assumed like everyone else that I would grow
Mike: Emmanuel Lewis assumed the same thing.
>to love the guy I married -- I mean, after all, that's what's supposed to
>happen -- but no, it doesn't work like that. Anyway, the marriage was very
>stultifying, and within a couple of years I was crawling inside of myself,
Crow: Wow! If I could do that I'd never leave the house!
>desperate to get out of the empty doldrum I was stuck in." Ellen took a deep
>breath. She started to say something, but then bit it back and had to try
>to say it all over again. "That's..." she started again, but she couldn't
>finish it. At last she took a deep breath, looked away, and said it.
Mike: No one will be seated during the gripping stuttering scene!
> "That's when I saw =you=," she said. "You never even knew who I was,
>did you," she choked.
Tom [David]: "Wait, wait, don't tell me! Are you known for your work in the
theater?"
> David opened his mouth to say something,
Crow: Good plan!
>but then closed it.
> "You were this handsome stud and I was just this plain English
>student.
Mike: You get the feeling this is Neal's cri de coeur?
>But you see, you were in two of my classes, and one of my former
>roommates was dating one of your roommates,
Tom [falsetto]: "--and then my cousin's ex-husband's adoptive niece's former
roommate... uh, where was I going with this?"
>and she always talked about you whenever she happened to see you because
>she knew I had a crush on you.
Crow: She's supposed to be twenty-three?
Tom: I believe the =second= digit.
>Then when she told me you were going to that New Year's party... well, I was
>so nervous, but I got up my courage and begged one of my girl friends to go
>with me, even though I didn't know anyone there, just so I could maybe have
>had a chance encounter with you when you got there. But we know how =that=
>turned out."
Mike [falsetto]: "But it wasn't all bad because I =did= meet that dreamy
Paul Anka!"
>She smiled a little, and so did he.
> "Well, I was crushed more than you could imagine. I thought that if
>I only had been more bold,
Crow [falsetto]: "Or even a little more italic!"
>I might have talked to you earlier, gotten to know you earlier. Everyone
>was saying how sad the accident was and I was too embarrassed to let them
>see me crying.
Mike: Yeah, people are always hanging out around scenes of carnage so they
can mock the distraught.
Crow: "Whatsa matter, baby? Is the wittle baby gonna cwy?"
>Then when I got back, John wanted to know where I'd been and I told him I
>was at this party, and he got mad... not too mad, because remember he was
>always so nice,
Tom: Nice save!
>but I think he knew then that I just didn't have any strong feelings for him
>and that was it. Things didn't get worse, really, but they never improved.
Tom: So, they just kind of stayed dull, then.
Mike: There's a shocker.
>Within a couple of years, I found out that he was having an affair with
>some older woman."
Crow [falsetto]: "She was eighty-three. It was pretty sick."
> "I'm sorry..." David said, helplessly.
> "Oh, don't be. Please. It wasn't your fault. I'm not telling you
>this to make you feel bad -- I'd never do that to you, David. I might have
>had an affair myself, but
Mike [falsetto]: "--no man would touch me."
>in some ways I was still in love with you, and no one really measured up.
Tom [falsetto]: "For instance, there was this one guy I was sort of
interested in, but he was only four-foot-eight."
>Certainly not John. Anyway, I discovered he was having this affair kind of
>indirectly.
Mike [falsetto]: "He told me about it in oratio obliqua."
>It's not like I ran into the proverbial other woman or anything, I could
>just see it: when he was with me, the light in his eyes was extinguished.
Crow [falsetto]: "Plus he ordered these books from Washington state about
how to dump your wife. Both of them."
>When he had to speak to me it seemed like a chore, and whenever we sat down
>to dinner there were long, awkward pauses when neither of us said anything."
Mike [John]: "So, umm, I hate to bring this up, but... where's the food?"
>Ellen looked pained.
> "So I didn't say anything about it, because it was just so much
>easier not too, and I could tell when the affair ended because he got angry,
>moody, then just vaguely depressed.
Crow: Much like the readers.
>Can you imagine what it is like to invest
Tom [falsetto]: "--in one of those pyramid schemes you see on the Internet?
What kind of moron falls for those things?"
>so much of your life in one way of living? That's why I stayed married, and
>kept on in the same job even though I couldn't stand it sometimes, it was so
>boring...
Crow: Gee, that's hard to believe.
>you know, I ran into your older brother once, a lot later, and he was a real
>looker too, but of course he wasn't the same...
Mike [David]: "Uh, actually, he was. See, I had myself cloned a while back
just in case I smashed my truck into a concrete wall, and wouldn't you
know it..."
> "Anyway I think I getting off track. When I was about 38,
Tom [singing]: o/~ It was a very dull yeeeeear... o/~
>I realized that John was getting ready to leave me. I reacted.
Mike: The thing I like about this story is all the precise, crisp detail.
>I tried everything, subtle things, being nice, getting angry, pressuring,
>not pressuring -- but of course none of it worked. When John finally came
>straight out and told me that he didn't love me anymore, I felt more basely
>humiliated than I had in my entire life.
Crow [falsetto]: "Well, except for that time in fourth grade when I went up
to give my oral report on the salmon industry and realized I wasn't wearing
any pants."
>That was it! It was so simple! He just decided to go, and after a few
>years of discomfort and legal difficulties, he receded from my life, leaving
>me broken."
> "I was always mad that he had the strength to leave and I didn't.
Tom [David]: "I love that story. Well, gotta go."
>I should have left him when I was twenty-five. We never did have children."
>She sniffed. "I struggled onward for two more lonely decades, trying to put
>a smile on things, laughing, watching funny movies,
Crow [falsetto]: "--I took a job as a clown for a while--"
>but inside I was always crying, just a little bit. Finally I gave up one
>day, and I just lay down on my bed and wouldn't move.
Tom: Sort of like the grandparents in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY.
>My two =well-adjusted= sisters had me committed to a home after a while,
>and there -- after a long time -- I curled up and came here."
Mike: The fact that the nurses hadn't come to feed her for a few weeks was
probably a contributing factor.
>A bitter tear was rolling down her cheek. David tenderly wiped it away.
> "You know," she said, as more tears came, "I can't understand why i
>wasted my life over John... and you. Not that it's your fault, I mean, but
>just I might have loved other people if I didn't love a dead man first.
Tom [falsetto]: "Oh, why did I waste my life pining over John Reynolds?"
>And yet I didn't have a choice. I fell in love and then I was lost. It's
>not =fair=." she said. "It's just not fair."
Crow: "The =balls= are warped! The =table's= warped! I don't like this
cue! It smells bad in here! I've been practicing for ten years but now
I don't =feel= well!"
> "Do you want to come with me?" David offered, but without great
>enthusiasm. Ellen buried her head in her hands, then looked up at him again.
> "I can't," she said.
> "Why not?"
Mike [falsetto]: "Umm... I'm brushing my teeth tonight. I've had the whole
thing planned for a few weeks... sorry!"
> "Because I don't want to fall in love again, with you."
> "Funny," David said, "I could easily love you."
Tom: He makes it sound like programming a VCR!
> "And you couldn't just as easily not love me, then." Ellen said.
> "You are a distant person," she said. "Even a thousand years of this
>timelessness wouldn't be enough time for me to break down your barriers and
>get through to you."
> "How do you know this about me?" David demanded.
Crow [David]: "I am =not= distant! I'm shallow! There's a difference!"
>She looked at him softly and put a tender hand on his chest. He reacted
>and drew away like he had been burned.
Tom: Because he had. Remember, she's engulfed in flames.
>With his eyes, he immediately relented, but she lowered her hand again.
>She would not lower her eyes, however.
> "I just know," she said defiantly. "You'll always withhold
>something.
Crow [falsetto]: "You're just like Erik Larsen!"
>I don't want to fall in love again."
> "Well, they say it's better to have loved and lost than never... "
>David quoted, until Ellen interrupted him.
> "Bullshit!" she said vehemently.
Crow: Bull-carrots? Mike, I don't think that word means what you said it
means.
Mike: We'll talk about it later.
>"Or maybe not, I don't know. But Goddamn it, David, it hurts so much!
>How can this be good? How?"
Crow: Well, let's see. You could put in some more interesting characters,
and wittier dialogue, and maybe come up with a better premise, and--
Mike: I think she meant her situation, not the story.
Crow: Oh.
> "Who knows?" David said, vaguely. "Why are you asking me?"
> Ellen did not answer. She just broke down and cried, crying until
>she was emptied of tears.
Tom: 400 milliliters... 200 milliliters... 100 milliliters... there, all
done.
>David stood apart, awkwardly: watching; trying not to watch. He stared up
>at the abyssal sky until his eyes stung.
Mike: See, Dave, this is why blinking was invented.
> After a little while, she wiped her eyes with her handkerchief and
>regained her composure. "I suppose you'll want to say good-bye to Jennifer,
>then?" she said. "I saw that lust in your eye," she added lightly.
Crow: From abject bawling to lighthearted banter in three seconds flat!
Tom: I guess they =all= have Multiple Personality Disorder.
>David scoffed.
> "I don't care enough," he said.
Mike: Funny, that's how I feel about =all= the characters.
>Ellen nodded.
> "Yeah," she said. Then, after a pause she added, "I think it's
>probably time you move on," she said.
> "Yeah," David said, slightly mimicking Ellen. She smiled at him.
> "I'll probably follow you some day," she said. "Well good luck!"
>Ellen said,
Mike: Neal, we know it's her. It's still the same paragraph.
>and extended her hand to shake. Spontaneously, David hugged her instead,
>and gave her a long, passionate kiss.
Tom: It's too bad his life was cut short -- he has the makings of a future
senator!
> "You deserve at least that much," he said, still holding her close.
Crow [David]: "If only every woman were lucky enough to get some freshly
squeezed =me=!"
>"God, I'm so... I didn't know. You're a good person, Ellen. Better than
>all of those other self-righteous people," he said. She had trouble finding
>her voice.
Tom: Her purse is so messy.
> "Thank you," she whispered. Then they disengaged, and after a few
>awkward glances, they said their good-byes.
> "I love you, David," Ellen called after him,
Mike: It's the kind of solid, unwavering love you can only achieve after
knowing someone for minutes and minutes.
>as he started to leave. He faltered.
> "Do you want me to stay?" he asked.
Crow [David]: "'Cause, y'know, you'll say I only hear what I want to, I
don't listen hard, don't pay attention to the distance that you're running
to anyone, anywhere, and all that stuff."
>She smiled happily, brushing away sudden tears.
> "No, go. I want you to go. I think that's what you should do. But
>I always wanted to say that to you," she said.
Tom [falsetto]: "You know what else I always wanted to say? GOOOOOOOOOOOL!"
> "Thank you," David said. They exchanged final good-byes, and then he
>trudged onward.
> He did not look back for a long time. When he finally did, the light
>from the campfire was no more than a pin-point, and he could see no figures
>at all.
Crow: But then, all those girls were pretty flat-chested.
>He never seemed to grow tired, and the time just seemed to stand still.
>After a while, the pin-point dissolved into the darkness, but to his suprise,
>he began to notice another campfire, a different one, coming into his view.
>He was willing to bet that there were people around that one, too.
All: No! NO! Not... A SEQUEL?!
>He looked left, and right, and he realized that the Grid he was on was not
>on a flat plane at all, but rather a gentle arc at the base of a great
>valley.
Crow [falsetto]: Like, totally! Oh-muh-GAWD! That is like so AWESOME!
> He wondered, as he walked, what it would be like to soar about this
>dreary nothing-scape -- and even as the thought began to take shape in his
>mind, he felt himself begin to lift off the ground, into the air. David did
>not resist the currents of ether that wafted him into the starless sky.
Mike: It seems Michelson and Morley haven't shown up in this particular
circle of hell quite yet.
>He rose higher and higher, until the gridlines far below seemed so densely
>woven that the entire floor shimmered. He stared down at the receding
>plane, mesmerized, watching as the shimmer slowly evolved: it crystallized
>into pattern of such exquisite beauty he had never dreamed, and then they
>merged together, to bring forth still greater designs.
Tom: So basically you're saying the afterworld is one big magic-eye puzzle.
> In a sudden movement, David wrenched his vision away from the ground
>to encompass more -- and then at last he perceived the whole. It was a
>smooth and mysterious valley tucked away in some corner of reality where no
>one would ever look,
Mike: Oh, so it's on CBS.
>and there were little dots of fires scattered irregularly all along the
>slopes like city lights. David wondered why none of the others had ever
>seen this, but even if this was all just his own subconscious imaginings,
>he thought, he didn't care. He felt a sublime joy begin to fill his soul.
Crow: Or maybe it was Lemon Joy.
> With courage now, he continued to shoot upward, faster and faster.
>He did not know where he was going nor did it matter.
Mike: But he kinda hoped it'd be Acapulco.
>He felt that he was dissipating, fading to blissful nothingness, and he was
>not troubled. So many little fires! he thought, and he looked down on them
>with affection. His last thoughts were of the lights.
Tom: "Aw, man, I left my lights on! Now I have to find someone with jumper
cables!"
> They glow all across the valley, like the stars without number, or
>like all the grains of sand from every shore. The dead gather there,
Mike: --along with legions of stoned fifteen-year-old girls wearing bandanas.
>like a tired flock answering their shepherd's evening call; they are there,
>in a world without distractions, to find the courage to seek the final
>peace; and they await the bittersweet day when again they will begin their
>harrowing journey into the vast, magnificent ocean of the world.
Crow: So this would be the Joycean epiphany, then?
Tom: Sure looks like it.
Crow: But... why? I mean, this guy started off kinda stupid and shallow,
underwent no discernable change over the course of the story, and then just
sort of randomly has a rapturous explosion of spiritual awakening?
Tom: You would've preferred a few more pages' worth of standing-around
scenes? Let's go home, Debbie.
[1...2...3...4...5...6...]
[SOL]
Tom: Well, looks like we survived. Think Dr. F. can say the same?
Mike: Good question! Let's see. [pushes red button] You okay down there,
Clay?
[Deep 13B. Sound and fury. Latin polka, screaming children, screaming
Slovenes, the works.]
Dr.F.: WHAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU! Oh, hello, Nelson. No need to worry about
me. I'm a scientist. I see a problem, I come up with a solution. Now
watch my triumph unfold. Expressions of abject awe are appropriate.
[Dr.F. wheels out an enormous apparatus featuring a prominent speaker right
in the middle. Immediately the cart collapses under the machine's weight.]
[SOL]
Mike: Gee, that's... something.
[Deep 13B]
Dr.F.: You're telling me. I never thought I'd ever pay so much for
something called a subwoofer. Anyway, here goes. [produces battered,
oozing manuscript and shoves it into slot under the speaker]
[pregnant pause]
Machine: "PREPARE TO EMBRACE YOUR CREATORS IN THE STYGIAN HAUNTS OF HELL,
BARBARIAN", GASPED THE FIRST SOLDIER.
"ONLY AFTER YOU HAVE KISSED THE FLEETING STEAD OF DEATH, WRETCH!"
RETURNED GRIGNR.
[Sound of people in building quieting down, attempting to comprehend this
new presence in their lives.]
Machine: A SWEEPING BLADE OF FLASHING STEEL RIVETED FROM THE MASSIVE
BARBARIANS HIDE ENAMELED SHIELD AS HIS RIPPLING RIGHT ARM THRUST FORTH,
SENDING A STEEL SHOD BLADE TO THE HILT INTO THE SOLDIERS VITAL ORGANS.
[The horror begins to sink in. Sounds of people packing, hastily gathering
together vital possessions, throwing on jackets.]
Machine: THE DISEMBOWELED MERCENARY CRUMPLED FROM HIS SADDLE AND SANK TO THE
CLOUDED SWARD, SPRINKLING THE PARCHED DUST WITH CRIMSON DROPLETS OF ESCAPING
LIFE FLUID.
[People are running screaming through the halls, madly dashing for the exit.
Soon the building is empty. Blissful silence.]
Dr.F.: And that, my friends, is how one gets one's building back. [claps
hands, removes the "B" from Deep 13 sign]
[SOL]
Crow: Hey, not bad!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Well, when you're a genius, it comes with the territory.
Machine: THE ENTHUSED BARBARIAN SWILVELED ABOUT, HIS SHOCK OF FIERY RED HAIR
TOSSING ROBUSTLY IN THE HUMID AIR CURRENTS AS HE FACED THE ATTACK OF THE
DEFEATED SOLDIER'S FELLOW IN ARMS.
[SOL]
Mike: That's nice. You want to turn that thing off now?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Sure, uh, just let me... uh-oh. I forgot to put in an off switch.
Machine: "DAMN YOU, BARBARIAN" SHRIEKED THE SOLDIER AS HE OBSERVED HIS
COMRADE IN DEATH.
Dr.F.: It's between me and the door. I can't get out. I'm going to die.
I-- that's it, I'm going to die. [whimpers]
[SOL]
Tom: Gee, he really tampered in God's domain this time.
Mike: Wait! I've got it! Gypsy, get over here!
[Gypsy enters.]
Gypsy: Bueno?
Mike: Quick, open up! [grabs THE COLLECTED WORKS OF JOHN MILTON, shoves it
down Gypsy's throat] Dr. F., check the umbiliport!
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: That's brilliant, Nelson!
Machine: A GLEAMING SCIMITAR SMOTE A HEAVY BLOW AGAINST THE RENEGADE'S
SPIKED HELMET, BRINGING A HEAVY CLOUD OVER THE ECORDIAN'S--
[Sparks fly as Forrester brings the Milton book crashing down on the machine.
There are a couple of low-budget explosions, then nothing but smoke. The
danger has passed.]
[SOL]
Mike: Good old Milton -- is there nothing he can't do?
[Deep 13]
Dr.F.: Quiet, Nelson. I'm not finished with this thing yet. This is for
stealing my toilet paper, you box of bolts! [brings the Milton book high
over his head, and--]
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
---O--- Fwshhhh!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
MST3K and all its characters, etc., are Copyright 199x Best Brains. I'm
not a Best Brain. On a good day I'm barely even an Above Average Brain.
This MiSTing is in no way endorsed by Best Brains. Chances are they'd be
sickened and horrified were they to read it. Nevertheless, it may be
distributed freely as long as it's in its entirety and this notice is
intact.
MiSTed by Adam Cadre (MSTie #59588), a.ca...@genie.com, November 1995. Any
comments, questions, remarks, laments, retorts, rebukes or recriminations are
more than welcome, except from the real-life prototypes of Dr.F.'s neighbors,
all of whom are very closely based on people I've had to live next to.
> "Andy!" the woman exclaimed, standing up. "I thought you were in
>Nebraska!"