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MiSTed: The Tale of Grumpy Weasel, Conclusion [ 1 / 1 ]

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Joseph Nebus

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May 25, 2023, 3:22:35 PM5/25/23
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[ SATELLITE OF LOVE BRIDGE. GPC is wearing pink bunny ears, TOM SERVO fox ears and nose, and CROW has a little orange beak on the end of his beak and an Indiana Beach Amusement Park t-shirt on. Around the walls of the bridge are cutout bushes, trees, a distant barn, and a smiley sun. ]

MAGIC VOICE: The residents of Pleasant Valley all met up with Grumpy Weasel sometime. And don't think they didn't have similar times of it!

TOM: Last week I tried to trick Grumpy Weasel into leaping off the edge of Pleasant Cliff. And he said ---

JOEL: [ Leaning into frame to deliver the line and leaning back out again, and wearing weasel ears and hat, as if from the Spirit Express version of the Who Framed Roger Rabbit weasels ] Why you consarned jackanape! If you try such again I shall bite your tail or know the reason why!

[ ALL chuckle after JOEL leaves frame ]

GPC: The other day Grumpy Weasel asked if I had seen Fatty Raccoon. I told him truthfully Fatty had gone into the wheat pens and Grumpy went off to give him a good what-for ... but I didn't tell him that was the day before, and only Spot the Dog was there now! And oh, what he said ...

JOEL: [ Leaning into frame again for the line, shaking his fist ] You bigmouthed hobbadehoy! You've earned your share of trouble once I've fixed Fatty Raccoon's flapdoodle!

[ Again, ALL chuckle once JOEL leaves frame ]

CROW: The other day I saw Grumpy confront Mr Meadow Mouse!

TOM: Oh dear, the poor mouse! What happened?

CROW: Mr Meadow Mouse taught Grumpy all about how to chew his foods long enough, so as to maximize digestion of their valuable proteins [ pronounced three syllables, PRO-tee-ins ] and vitamins [ with soft 'i' sounds, as in victuals, vih-tih-mins ] and food energy! Whilst Grumpy was chewing a bite of crabapple five hundred times Mr Mouse made good his escape, I should say!

GPC: What did Grumpy say to that?

JOEL: [ Leaning in for the line ] A pox on you, contumely blatherskite! I won't have any cares about causing lesions upon my stomach-lining when I catch you!

[ ALL have a hearty laugh once JOEL leaves ]
CROW: Ah ... we have fun.

GPC: Yeah, but ---

TOM: What, Jimmy?

GPC: I was talking with my brother ---

CROW, TOM: [ Somber ] Oh.

GPC: And he asked are we being the jerks here?

TOM: How can we be the jerks? We're adorable!

CROW: I see what Jimmy's ... 'brother' ... [ He and TOM shake their heads ] means though. We're always playing pranks on Grumpy and he's unhappy with us all the time. Maybe if we tried being nice he'd be a happy weasel instead?

GPC: Can we do that? What would we even call him?

TOM: His name could become ironic You know, like Mortimer Sparrow's. Yes, let's try making Grumpy feel like an invited, welcome part of the Pleasant Valley community!

GPC, CROW: Hear, hear!

[ CAMBOT focuses in on the tree decorations while the BOTS rustle around getting the scene change ready ]

MAGIC VOICE: Resolved to try a new and happy start with their companion weasel the forest denizens invited him to a ...

[ CAMBOT pulls back out, revealing there's a 'cake' made of a plate full of leaves, twigs, and a Mason jar in the center where a candle should be. As JOEL leans in the BOTS yell ... ]

CROW, TOM, GPC: SURPRISE!

JOEL: What fatidic encomium is this here chicanery?

TOM: It's a party! Have some cake!

JOEL: [ Tapping the plate ] It's ... leaves and twigs?

TOM: We're adorable woodland animals, this is as 'cake' as we can do.

CROW: What's important is that we welcome you into Pleasant Valley society!

GPC: Our hope is making you happy living with us!

JOEL: Make me happy? *MAKE ME HAPPY*? Did it never occur to you jentacular ossiflossibossoms that I *AM* happy already?

CROW: What?

GPC: No.

TOM: Never.

CROW: You're always yelling at someone how you'll get them.

GPC: My brother [ ALL, including JOEL, shuffle, uncomfortable ] said you were hollering at a boulder that you'd smash it if it told anyone you smiled.

JOEL: [ Shaking his fist ] That accursed overgrown pebble! I'll give it what for!

CROW: So since you're this quivering ball of white-hot rage all the time how can you be happy?

JOEL: Did it at no point occur to you factitious bildsungromans that being angry *makes* me happy? And being cheerful would make me *miserable*?

TOM: What?

GPC: But that ...

CROW: I --- I --- I ---

TOM: [ Starting to spin around ] Being happy is being angry is being happy is being angry is ...

GPC: [ Woozy, spinning also, malfunctioning ] ... angry is not happy but happy is happy but angry is not happy but happy is happy but ...

CROW: [ SHRIEKING ] Illogical! Illogical! Norman co-ordinate!

[ CROW, TOM, and GPC continue like this briefly, spinning around finally until falling to the ground with a terrible clattering ]

JOEL: Hah! That's it, I've foiled you robots and your intrusion on the Pleasant Valley once and for all! Now all the *actual* woodland creatures can live in safety --- and *never* say one word of thanks to me! Off to show that boulder what for!

MAGIC VOICE: The end.

JOEL: [ Breaking character, as GPC, TOM, and CROW stand up again ] Fun, huh?

CROW: I think I make an adorable crow.

JOEL: [ Pinching CROW's beak ] Oh, you sure do.

TOM: [ Addressing the audience ] Bet you didn't suspect Arthur Scott Bailey was one of the first science fiction authors, did you?

GPC: [ Not registering this as a joke ] It's all there on the page.

JOEL: What do you think, sirs?

[ JOEL slaps the MOVIE SIGN, ending the show ]

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Mystery Science Theater 3000, its characters and setup and settings and all, are the property of Satellite of Love LLC, and I suppose that's working out well for them. Arthur Scott Bailey's _The Tale of Grumpy Weasel_ is, as a public-domain work, the property of me, and you, and everyone who wishes to build on its world and create something that makes the world richer. This whole MiSTing, meanwhile, is my work over the course of late 2022 and the first half of 2023, so I hope you're enjoying. I am.




> "That's because you ran too fast," Fatty explained
> glibly. "Now, if you'll be careful to run slowly, and do just
> as I tell you, I can promise that there'll be a capture,
> without fail."

--
Joseph Nebus
Math Blog: https://nebusresearch.wordpress.com
Humor Blog: https://nebushumor.wordpress.com
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