Tom "Father Mushroom" Currie(played in RATMM The Movie by John Agar, much
to Tom's horror)
Head of the Ford Prefect Fan Club and Ambassador for a Free Luna, Novy
Leningrad Chapter
"This is an EX-parrot!"- John Cleese in the Dead Parrot Sketch
_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_^_
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)
(Crow still has his arm impaling his eyeball housing.)
CROW: That was a dirty trick Tom. And I still can't figure out how you
did it without functional arms.
MIKE: Here, hold on.(Mike yanks out the arm and kind of stuffs it back
into Crow's arm socket) Better?
>Saga eight: Chief Nahant meets Princess Matoaca
CROW: One of the great mistakes of the computer dating service.
>
>
>Art work: Iva Vodrazkova, Prague, Czech.
(Iva's latest work is a giant white hand standing upright on a
mountaintop, with a dark line stretching out from the palm.)
MIKE: What does the Nazi salute have to do with space aliens?
>When Princess Matoaca walked down the beams of red and blue >light, she
>raised her hand, and a ray of white light poured forth upon Chief
>Nahant.
TOM & MIKE: <make sizzling sounds>
CROW(as Nahant): AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!
> It was a ray of light that helped create the world of
>creation,
CROW: Which created the creation of creation that we create in.
>and the world from which the light of blessing radiates.
TOM: It could also microwave burritos at fifty paces.
>Princess
>Matoaca spoke in a language comprised of both sound and light.
TOM: Didn't she speak in music in the last "saga"?
MIKE: I guess she speaks in musical light and sound.
CROW: Seems like she's got an entire dance club in that mouth.
>The
>sounds rekindled all of the ancient memories of the Central >Civilization
>in Chief Nahant's mind. This was the language used by the >Central
>Civilization, and Chief Nahant saw images he had never seen >before,
CROW(hopelessly): But you said these were ancient memories...
MIKE: Crow, give it up.
> and
>then he heard these words:
MIKE(loudspeaker voice): Would the owner of a red Ford Taurus please come
to the front desk...
>"Eternity of time is ours
MIKE: Oh no, it's a poem!
TOM: Mike, we've got to open the airlocks and blast all the air out of the
ship! It's the only way we're going to die happy!
>Oh navigator of the celestial realms
CROW: Could you give me your autograph?
>the light seeds the vastness of space
>to be one with those reflections
>deep, pervasive,
MIKE: Annoying.
> forever.
>
>Harken, the wave of lesser ones arrive
TOM: The lost verse of "Hark, The Herald Angels Sing."
>corrupting and tearing down,
>but inside there is one brightness
CROW: Our Mickey Mouse nightlights.
>The time is near for us to know
>
MIKE: To know...?
TOM: Hello? Irritating New Age poetry?
>Now in the rocks of time
CROW: And the singing stones, and the pregnant suns, and the singing
Earth, and the giant white birds...
>our message awaits the "Bright One",
MIKE: Through the mystical device called an "answering machine".
>In our hour of need
>the beckoning of the child will return.
TOM: Shouldn't that be the child being beckoned will return?
MIKE: Maybe the beckoner gave up and went back inside to watch the
Tennessee-Florida game.
>
>The side we see is ever so near
>comfort thyself in deep waters oh Chief
CROW(as Nahant): You know, if you want me to take a bath, you can always
just come out and say it.
>songs forever circling the Earth
>songs forever passing on our words.
>
>The island you so kept alive
MIKE: Is still struggling in the tourist market.
>Nahant will always be,
ALL(singing to the tune of "Rocky Top"): Nahant, you'll always be/Home
sweet home to me/Good ol' Nahant/Nahant Tennessee...
>Point in the sea,
TOM: Flag on the moon.
>Star navigator with charts so deep,
>The Central Civilization will return."
CROW(Arnold voice): Ah'll be bahk.
>
>Art work: Linda Landers
(Linda has painted an Indian, or at least the upper half of one. It has a
strange, blurry, painted-with-cat-hair-dipped-in-paint texture to it.)
MIKE: Special thanks to Linda Landers and her kindergarden art class.
>After this celestial introduction coming from Matoaca, she then >revealed
CROW: Her lovely-
MIKE: Crow...
>that invaders would come across the sea, and the star charts >needed to
>be sealed. In the future these charts would be detected by the >one that
>needs to know of them. It will be nearly 400 years before our >land will
>be visited again by the "Bright One", and there are ships under >sail on
>Earth's oceans that are looking for the star charts.
TOM(full sarcasm mode): Oh. Yeah. Right. Columbus's *real* mission was
to find some ancient star maps so he could travel into space for an even
better trade route to India.
>
There will >be great
>upheavals on Earth,
ALL: Ewwwww...
MIKE: Why? Did humanity have some tainted meat?
> and misunderstandings that all
of nature is >one
>great mind developing in the universe.
CROW: Oh, those silly Hindus and their Brahman!
>
We will all be one once >again,
>these children of the Central Civilization, and we will once >again be
>able to visit other worlds.
MIKE: And we will once again be able to screw up an entire planet.
>
>Chief Nahant stood on his island looking out to sea, and was sad >to
>learn he would not be here to receive the great "Bright One" as >he so
>longed for.
MIKE(as Nahant): She never gave me back my Weed Whacker!
> "What will we do, and where will we go", asked
the >island
>chief. "I will give you transformative powers so that you may >join the
>oldest wise ones of the planet.
CROW: In holy matrimony.
> The sea
has great beings that >also know
>of our Central Civilization.
CROW(sarcasm mode): Gosh, I wonder who they could be.
> I will allow
you to make passage to >be with
>them.
TOM(as Matoaca): I will call their mothers and see if you can spend the night.
> The star charts will be made into sound, and the songs >will
be put
>into the stones of your great island. The songs will always be >here;
>telling the great ones of the sea that the secret of the star >charts
>will be well kept.
>
>"We must change the discs,
MIKE: I want to listen to my Beck CD again.
> and send the
energy from them into >the stones
>of the island, and into the ocean, and then seal the discs within >the
>deepest caves of the island. These discs are very valuable,
CROW: This was the last copy of "Come On Eileen" at the store.
>
and >are
>placed in the universe crusiers that travel from the Central
>Civilization to navigate the great distances of the universe".
TOM(snide voice): Oh, yeah, the distances of the universe are *soooooo*
great and hard to navigate.
>Matoaca
>had spoken, and now the two of them descended into the secret >caves of
>Nahant where the star chart discs were stored.
(A picture of a "star chart disc" is to the right. It is some sort of
glassy transparent dome.)
MIKE: They keep records of the Universe on contact lenses?
>Saga nine: |The Star Chart Discs |
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------
>Return to:| Saga 1 | Saga 2 | Saga 3 | Saga 4 | Saga 5 | Saga 6 | >Saga 7
> | The Captain Speaks | Log Index | Portal Ether Ship | Home | >Earth
>Portal Controls |
>por...@netcom.com
>©1995-1996 Earth Portals
MIKE: I need to stretch my legs for a bit.
TOM: Good excuse. I need to clean out my hoverskirt.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...Bridge. Mike and Crow are in the shot. Mike
keeps glancing around nervously.)
MIKE: Crow, did you make sure nobody's following you?
CROW: Yeah yeah yeah. Why?
MIKE: I think that the stress of the website is doing something to Tom.
We have to keep a close watch on-
TOM(offscreen): Hey guys!
MIKE: Shh! Act normal! (to Tom) What is it?
(Tom enters stage right, wearing a crown and robe.)
TOM: I've found out a new reason to worship me as a god!
MIKE(whispering to Crow): See? (normal) That's nice Tom.
CROW: Tell us why, Tom. And keep away from sharp objects.
TOM: It's easy! I'm the Kwisatz Haderach!
MIKE: Oh that's- the what?
TOM: The Kwisatz Haderach! You know, a supreme being with superb mental
abilities who is the result of generations of selective breeding controlled
by the Bene Gesserit.
CROW: Tom, have you been reading _Dune_ late at night?
TOM: Well... yeah, why?
MIKE: I think what Crow's trying to say is that you've assumed the
personality of Paul Atreides because of the shock of the website.
TOM: Oh yeah? Tell that to my Fremen bodyguards!
MIKE: Tom, can you see the future?
TOM: Yeah, I'm the Kwisatz Haderach. Duhhhhhhh.
(Mike gives Tom a right hook.)
MIKE: No you're not. You would've ducked.
(net.loon Sign goes off)
ALL: AUUUUGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!! WE GOT NET.LOON SIIIIIIIIIGGGNNN!!!!!!
TOM: The Muad'dib should not be forced to do this!
(6...5...4...3...2...1...Theatre)
TOM: The Harkonnen will pay for this!
MIKE: Tom...
>
>Saga nine: The Star Chart Discs
(To the left is a crystal on a rectangular prism.)
CROW: A decorative salt shaker?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------
>The journey to the caves was the most secret journey of all.
MIKE: Out of what? Have all the *other* journeys attempted to be secret
but didn't live up to this standard?
TOM: If they *were* going for secrecy, then she probably shouldn't have
flown across the ocean as a giant flaming bird.
>
No >one had
>ever gone to these caves before. Chief Nahant was more than a >chief.
>Chief Nahant was the actual life form which perpetuated itself >through
>the energy encoded in the crystals.
TOM: As opposed to all those fake life forms that are perpetuated through
the energy encoded in the crystals.
>
Chief Nahant was a >projection from
>the very crystals themselves.
MIKE: A hologram?
CROW: Hey, just like the doctor on Voyager-D'OH!
MIKE & TOM: Faaaaanbooooy.
> But now
the discs had to send >their
>message to the sea where Chief Nahant would take on a special >life form
>known as the great White Whale,
TOM(snide voice): Oh, the great White Whale is going to appear in this
website? Oooh, I must be honored.
MIKE: You know, I usually pictured most great white things as sharks.
> and
would send the message of >the
>crystals to all the whales in the oceans on the Planet Earth.
CROW: Or at least all of the whales who were on the
Message-Of-The-Crystals-Of-The-Month club.
>Sounds of
>the Whales792K
(pause)
CROW: Well... *that* was an interesting sentence.
MIKE: No, you click it and download a whale song.
TOM: Dang, it was the best part of the story so far.
>The discs were of the purest crystal form when they were >placed
>together.
CROW: Flavor crystals? FLAVOR CRYSTALS?! EXCELLENT!
MIKE: *What*? Have you been smoking something?
> These crystals
MIKE: Or "digitally retouched contact lenses".
TOM: It doesn't look too much like a contact, Mike.
> were capable of
projecting the star >charts in
>order to travel within the universe. The crystals were also used >as
>parts for the great star ships that traveled across the vast >reaches of
>space.
CROW: Wow, what else are they used for?
MIKE: Oh, you know, computers, cars, factory machinery, frisbees, salad
dressing, bedsheets, breast implants, pets, that kinda stuff.
> Only the "Bright One", along with the forward civilization >and
>Captian Van Flight knew how these crystals worked for >interdimensional
>space travel.
TOM: Because of this, they were only able to make one ship for every three
years and repairs were nonexistent if Flight or the Bright One were unable
to get to you.
>
>In a secret chamber in the island of Nahant, the most guarded >crystal of
>the Central Civilization stood in majestic wonder.
MIKE(as crystal): I wonder how majestic I am?
>
This was the >great
>star crystal that projected all the stars in the universe onto a
>navigational display panel in the great universe crusiers from >the
>Central Civilization.
TOM: So if this crystal goes, all the ships of the Central Civilization
are screwed, then.
MIKE: Add this to the fact that they can only be repaired by two beings
and you get the least efficient space navy ever conceived.
> These crystals
MIKE: Or contact lenses.
TOM: Mike, it doesn't look that much like a contact lens. Leave it alone.
>
were placed here >millenniums ago
>when the Central Civilization first visited Planet Earth to >assure that
>there would always be a navigational system far from the >Central
>Civilization's home.
CROW: That way it would be much easier to foul up communications lines,
which would already be stretched to impossible distances.
> If the star children of Earth
reached the >necessary
>level of star consciousness, then there would be these star >crystals
>which could carry them into the universe to seed new life.
MIKE: That's a pretty amazing contact lens.
TOM: Mike...
>
The >time was
>drawing near when humans on Earth would be ready to use such >crystals,
MIKE: But they had to make significant advances in anti-protein
lens-cleaning solution.
TOM: Mike!
>but for now, unusual turmoil was developing on Earth, and the >crystals
>had to be hidden very well.
MIKE: Why? They're only about the size of a dime, and you can just put
them in their little cleaning case and stick 'em in your pocket.
TOM: *Mike*!
(To the right of the paragraph is a crystal on a magnet.)
MIKE: Magnetic contact lenses? That would come in handy...
TOM: MIKE, WILL YOU GET OFF THE SMEGGING CONTACT LENS JOKES!?!?!?!
MIKE: All right, sorry. Sheesh.
>One crystal was used as the communication device for the >history of the
>Central Civilization.. It was a simple device, but very powerful >in its
>ability to send signals far out into space, and now deep into the >ocean.
CROW: The *ultimate* cellular phone tower.
TOM: Nokia's plot for world domination!
>It was operated by Earth's own magnetic field.
MIKE: Of course, you could always recharge it by plugging the adapter in
the cigarette lighter.
>
As the Earth >turned, a
>magnetic field would pass through the crystals' base. This was >a very
>special magnet developed by the Central Civilization.
TOM: Meaning a magnet that is completely physically impossible.
>
These >magnets
>could harness Earth's magnetic fields, and activate the >messages stored
>inside the crystals. These were the crystals that Chief Nahant >would
>always be tuned into, to learn of the developments on the >planet's
>surface.
TOM: But he's *ON* the planet's surface!
MIKE: No, I think they mean that the crystals are underground, and he gets
their messages while he's on the planet's... No, wait, there's no possible
way to justify that sentence.
>
>Many great star observatories had gone to ruin, and many of the >star
>observors were exiled or killed for thier knowledge of the >stars.
ALL: YESSS!
>Navigators would flee all over the Earth escaping punisment for >knowing
>the origins of the Central Civilzation.
ALL: All RIGHT!
CROW: Wait a minute. Why are they being hunted down for being astronomers?
MIKE: Who cares? They're being exiled or killed!
>
Matoaca had sealed the >caves,
>re-oriented the signal from the communication crystals to the >ocean,
>transformed Chief Nahant and his tribe to be one with the >whales, and
>would now return home to her mountain village and father.
MIKE: Man, what a busy day.
TOM: Hey, does anybody see how this fits in with two people called Raline
and Baruk who set up a pulse laser somewhere?
MIKE: No.
CROW: Also no.
>
"We >will
>return, oh great Chief, and the time is near when we will be >sending our
>message back to the Central Civilization announcing that >Earth's star
>children are ready to receive the "Bright One", exclaimed >Matoaca.
CROW: Amazing! She can exclaim things without a punctuation mark!
> "You
>will be contacted by the great star ship, and all the secrets >will be
>transmitted once again so the Central Civilzation can continue >its
>journey, and bring star consciousness to another planet".
>
>Matoaca left as she had arrived,
MIKE: In a drunken haze.
> and
swiftly bid the ancient >Chief
>farewell. The rays of crimson red and cobalt blue disappeared >over the
>horizon,
TOM: Where the city of Chicago once stood before the bombs fell.
> and Chief Nahant found himself moving slowly with his
>family,
CROW(as Chief Nahant in slow motion): IIIIIII fiiiiiiiiiinnnd
oooooouuuuuurrrrrrrsseeeellllllvvvveeeessss mmooovviiiingg slooowlyyyy,
deeeeeeeeearr famiiilyyyyyy.
>and all the other ancient whales beneath the sea, and was also >listening
>to the beautiful sounds
TOM(falsetto singing): The hills are aliiiiiiiiiive, with the sound of
cryyystaaals...
> being beamed into the
ocean from the >magical
>beam crystals safely hidden in the caves of Nahant. Nahant >became a very
>peaceful island, and only the whales knew how important this >ocean
>outpost truly was.
CROW: So they spent their lives killing anything that dared come near it.
> Nahant was safe, nothing would
disturb its >valuable
>secret, but maybe one day someone else would hear the sounds, >and that
>someone would arrive many years into the future.
MIKE: Did we mention how safe it was?
(We see a crystal on a rod in front of some sort of spotlight.)
MIKE: The UV-proof contact testing grounds.
TOM: AAUUGGGHHH!!!!
MIKE: Oh yeah, sorry.
>
>
>
>Saga ten: | The Dark Ages |
CROW: Ah, apparently the Native American mysticism wasn't enough for him then?
>
>
>
>---------------------------------------------------------->--------------
>Return to:| Saga 1 | Saga 2 | Saga 3 | Saga 4 | Saga 5 | Saga 6 |
MIKE: Hey guys, let's do the wave!
TOM: Why?
MIKE: To pass the time.
>Saga 7
> | Saga 8 | The Captain Speaks | Log Index | Portal Ether Ship | >Home |
MIKE: Ready?
CROW: Uhh, Mike, there's something that you should know first...
>Earth Portal Controls |
>por...@netcom.com
>©1995-1996 Earth Portals
MIKE: Go! (Mike stands up and puts his arms in the air. The bots grunt
and strain a little and rise a few inches, but no more.)
>
>
>
>
CROW: We can't do the Wave because we're already standing, and our arms
don't really work.
MIKE(as he picks up Tom): Well, thanks for telling me *after* I made a
jackass out of myself.
TOM(as the camera pulls back): We figured it was already too late.
(1...2...3...4...5...6...TO BE CONTINUED. Weren't suspecting that, were you?)
___________________________________________________
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>The journey to the caves was the most secret journey of all.