> Article 81 of 418
CROW: Collect them all!
>
> Subject: (REPOST) DS9 Story: 'Stolen Memories' - 2/9
MIKE: Yeah, I'd give _Stolen Memories_ about a 2 out of 9.
> From: hen...@zipper.zip.com.au (Henry Chatroop)
> Date: 1997/01/07
> Message-Id: <5at4ao$g...@the-fly.zip.com.au>
CROW: Oops! The story forgot to zip its fly.
> Organization: The Zipsters
MIKE: When you've been kicked out of the Freemasons and the Knights of
Columbus, try the Zipsters.
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica
TOM: Who would have thought that four little words could be so
frightening?
>
> WARNING - NC-17 FICTION: This story contains sex scenes.
CROW: No one under or over 17 should read it.
> If reading about teen sex offends read no further.
> If not read on and enjoy.
MIKE: Do you want me to read on or enjoy? It's got to be one or the
other,
not both.
> The Ed, Red.
TOM: (singing) Come and listen to a story 'bout a woman named Red. A
poor
fanfic editor, barely kept her writers fed...
> ===============================================================
CROW: (singing) I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long
day...
> STOLEN MEMORIES
TOM: Swollen Mammaries is more like it.
> Part Two
CROW: The Quest for Alis' Gold.
> Julian Bashir almost floated through the corridors of
> the Prime Matriarch's palace as he made his way to the gym.
MIKE: He's probably turned on by climbing the rope in gym class.
> He was thoroughly oblivious to the glances he attracted
> from the various noble women and servants he passed, failing
> to notice the lustful look one woman in particular sent his
> way.
TOM: Unfortunately, that woman was Margaret Thatcher.
> He was so busy mentally planning his day's activities
> that he failed to notice much of anything, let alone the
> women he passed.
MIKE: (Julian) Okay, first go to gym class. Then have sex with the cat
girl. Then watch _Dawson's Creek_.
> First an hour of exercise was called for.
CROW: I hope Julian doesn't start telling us how important it is to eat
five servings of fruits and vegetables every day.
> He'd
> discovered muscles he didn't know he'd had and needed to
> work out a few kinks that had developed overnight.
TOM: (Julian) Out with you, BDSM! Out with you, erotic asphyxiation!
Out
with you, bestiality! Oh wait, I need to keep that last
one...
> After
> the gym, he'd take a short trip to the indoor pool for a
> leisurely swim.
CROW: Will some please tell me why cat-like aliens have SWIMMING POOLS?
> It was the best way to work out the last
> of the kinks and relax.
MIKE: Okay, Julian's going to exercise with Ray Davies. It's an
unexpected
plot twist, but let's see where it goes.
> His swim would be followed up by a trip to his suite
> where he would change into fresh clothes and gather up as
> much of his gear as he could do without his father's
> attention being caught by the missing items.
CROW: (Julian's dad) Julian hasn't been here for a week, ho hum.
(pause)
Oh my God! His toothbrush is missing!
> He'd drop his gear off at the Princessa's quarters
TOM: If that isn't the name of a strip joint, I'm a talking cat.
> and talk to her personal servant about lunch
MIKE: I tHiNk YoU sHoUlD hAvE a PiZzA fOr LuNcH.
> and then take
> a quick trip to the indoor garden to collect a bouquet of
> the Princessa's flowers.
CROW: (Alis) Oh, so now they're MY flowers? When we bought them, they
were
OUR flowers!
> He knew she loved those strange
> mauve ones with a scent so faint he couldn't detect it,
> but he knew her senses were better than hers.
MIKE: Why did the authors just call Julian a her?
TOM: Maybe he's Ranma.
> He smiled to himself as it occurred to him to grab a
> few extra flowers and smear them over himself to acquire
> their scent.
CROW: Cheaper and easier than using deodorant, I suppose.
> He was sure the Princessa would appreciate it.
> But first he'd check with her personal servant,
MIKE: Played by Alan Napier.
> just to make
> sure their nectar wasn't poisonous.
TOM: (Julian) Duh... I probably should've asked BEFORE I smeared 'em on
myself. Oh well...
> It wouldn't do to have
> a poisonous substance smeared over his body if she decided
> she wanted to do a little nibbling.
CROW: (Julian) Stop nibbling me, Alis. You just ate!
> A lovesick sigh escaped as the thought of her nibbling
> his body brought back memories of the previous nights love
> play.
MIKE: And also memories of eating a box of Triscuits.
> With those memories running through his mind he entered
> the gym and set about relieving the various but not
> unpleasant aches and pains the night's activities had left
> him with.
TOM: (Julian) Duh... dodgeball isn't as fun with just one person.
> ********************************
CROW: Night of Thirty-Two Stars.
> The Princessa had been curled up on the bed waiting
> for Julian wearing nothing but a black silk robe loosely
> tied around her waist.
MIKE: So she's nude except for a kimono?
TOM: Was she bareheaded under her hat?
CROW: I just want to know why the Felistians import cloth from Earth.
> Set before her was a folded puddle
> of black silk and a black enameled case.
CROW: Mike, how can you fold a puddle?
MIKE: Uh...
> Julian correctly
> assumed both items were meant for him as he crossed the
> room and climbed onto the bed to crawl across it and kiss
> his Princessa.
TOM: He really should've brought her a dead mouse as a love offering.
> One kiss was all it took to revive the ache in his
> groin.
MIKE: Julian's groin - where one cat has gone before.
> Her nose twitched
CROW: (makes _Bewtiched_ sound) Tinka-tinka-tee.
TOM: Poof.
MIKE: SAM!
> as their kiss broke up and
CROW: Filed for divorce.
> she
> pushed him away laughing.
MIKE: (Alis) You're such a pervert!
TOM: (Austin Powers) Yeah, baby. (growls)
> "Always so eager to get to the breeding part."
> Julian flushed.
CROW: About time, too. That bathroom! Whoo-whee!
> It wasn't his fault if he couldn't
> control his physical reaction to intimate contact with her.
TOM: Intimate Contact, Alis. Tonight on Lifetime, television for women.
> She eased the sting of her remark with one of her gigawatt
> heart stopping smiles and tapped his nose.
MIKE: She never understood why he always went into cardiac arrest.
> "Later."
CROW: (Alis) "...With Bob Costas" was a great show, don't ya think?
> He smiled and sat back on his heels, kneeling on the
> bed before her.
TOM: All of a sudden, he confuses his girlfriend with a statue of Baal.
> She picked up the case and held it out to
> him.
MIKE: A mere case? Come on, Julian can drink at least a keg.
> "I had this made for you," she announced with a
> flicker of fear in her eyes.
CROW: (singing) It's the eyes of the tiger...
> Seeing that, Julian realised she was afraid he
> wouldn't like the gift and resolved to smile and kiss her
> till her head spun no matter what it was.
TOM: Even if it's a tie?
> He reached out to
> open the box and lift the lid.
MIKE: And Thing popped out.
CROW: (Julian) Thanks. I, uh, always need a hand around the house.
> Alis watched as Julian opened the box, eyes widening,
> fury taking the place of adoration.
CROW: No Julian, it's a FURRY that's taken your place of adoration.
Stop
confusing those two words!
> "A slave collar ... *You* had a *slave* collar made
> for *me*?!"
TOM: Wouldn't it be cheaper and easier for Alis to rub up against Julian
and leave her scent on him?
> He spat furiously.
CROW: You might say he was a Spitfire. Heh, heh.
> "It's not a slave collar, Julian, it's a Consort's
> collar."
MIKE: Alis, that line didn't work with my ex. I doubt that it'll work
with
Julian.
> "A Consort's collar???"
TOM: (Alis) That, and a flea collar.
MIKE: (Aladdin) I don't have fleas. (scratches his head)
> "Yes, I want you to be my Consort."
CROW: (Alis) What I'm trying to say is "I have sexually intercourse with
you for the rest of you life!!!".
> "Does this mean you won't take any other lovers?" He
> asked.
TOM: I'm sorry. All questions MUST be submitted in writing.
> She was silent, a bad sign.
MIKE: Not from this vantage point.
> He knew it meant it meant
> she was trying to find a way to say no that wouldn't dent
> his ego.
CROW: Or his Yugo.
> He wanted to throw the collar across the room,
TOM: (singing) When Captain America throws his mighty collar...
> to
> rage, to cry for dreams that would never be, for being fool
> enough to believe she was different than the rest.
MIKE: I just realized that Julian is kind of a big, whiny baby.
CROW: Oh yeah? What led you to that realization?
MIKE: Mostly the fact that acts like a big, whiny baby.
CROW: Hmmmm. Interesting.
> That she
> wanted more from their relationship other than babies and a
> toy boy.
MIKE: That's funny, I was sure she'd also want a diamond.
> "May the first mother take me once again to her den
CROW: (Alis) To watch the big game.
> if I lie when I say, I will *never* take another *lover*,"
> she began then drew in a deep breath to continue.
TOM: Boom - I take a deep breath.
> "I might be required to take another male as a breed
> mate for breeding purposes because it is my duty to produce
> offspring for the clan; an heir to follow me at the very
> least."
MIKE: I thought members of The Clans were born in test tubes...
> Julian nodded, that he could understand and at that
> moment in time he would have given anything to be the one
> who fathered all her children.
CROW: While she watched _All My Children_.
> "But, it will be nothing but sex.
MIKE: (Julian) Well, as long as you don't kiss, I guess it'll be all
right.
> No one will ever
> take your place - In my arms, my bed, my heart..." She said
> her voice husky.
CROW: Then her voice pulled a sled in the Iditarod.
> Julian's brain turned to pure mush.
TOM: Normally, it's only 99% mush.
> "I want only you to share my bed, my quarters ... My
> life.."
MIKE: (Alis) My laundry.
TOM: So, where will she have sex with other men if only Julian shares
her
bed?
> She finished her fear of rejection clear on her face.
MIKE: For clear faces, use Clearasil.
> Julian banished her fears with a kiss that said
> everything he couldn't find the words to express - but most
> importantly of all it said, *Yes*
TOM: *We have no bananas*.
> I want that too.
MIKE: It also said "Wahhhh, I'm a big, whiny baby and I need changing".
> When the kiss finally ended both were breathless and
> Julian was aching to be one with her again.
TOM: And that is why a man shall leave his abusive parents and join his
wife, and they shall become one flesh.
> Instead, he
> reached down to pick up the collar and examine it closely.
CROW: (Julian, reading) Made... in... China.
> It was a highly decorated, jewelled and engraved gold
> collar.
MIKE: GOLD? You just said the secret woid.
> The engraving, in Felistian script, read,
TOM: "This book belongs to __________".
> "Property
> of the Prime Heir"
CROW: I'm not only the President of the heir club for furries, I'm also
a
client.
> among something else he couldn't decipher.
MIKE: The plots of David Lynch movies?
> He turned it over in his hands to see it was lined with
> the softest velvet to prevent the metal from biting into his
> neck.
TOM: But I thought he liked having his neck bitten!
> He found the cleverly hidden catch at the back of the
> collar
CROW: (Julian) You're going to charge 19 percent interest?
> and opened it then looked up to find his Princessa
> watching him.
MIKE: (Alis) Let's see if he can mess THIS up, too!
> His gaze locked with hers he raised the collar
> to slip it on and snap it into place around his neck.
TOM: (Julian) Even though your definition of a consort is strikingly
similar to the definition of a slave, right down to the
fact
that a consort has to wear a collar marking him as
chattel,
reminiscent of the Roman custom of requiring every slave
to
wear a belt bearing his owner's name, I agree to be your
consort.
> "There's only one thing I don't like about this," he
> said.
MIKE: (Julian) The sex. You really suck in the sack, Alis!
> "That I must produce kits for the clan."
TOM: I guess that means she'll be kit-bashing.
> "Oh no, that I can understand... And I hope that I'll
> be the only man helping you to do that."
ALL: Wacka-chicka-wacka-chicka-bwomp.
> She reached out to brush her fingers over his lips.
CROW: (Alis) That peanut butter on your lips was really distracting.
> "That is my wish also, but, "she sighed, "it may not
> be so. My mother had sixteen kits before I was born.
TOM: (Julian) You misspelled "kids".
CROW: (Alis) No, no. She had an infatuation with model ships.
> Most
> did not live,
MIKE: (Alis) We had to eat them to survive.
> and the others were examined and judged
> unfit to eventually rule for various reasons.
TOM: They scored poorly in the evening gown competition.
> I was born
> after she took a human mate and found to be what the
> selectors consider perfect matriarchal material."
CROW: SEE a race with a total lack of xenophobia!
MIKE: (selector) We demand the right to be ruled by a half-human freak!
> "Really, that means being a half breed won't affect
> our children's chances of being selected as Primary Heirs."
> "Exactly."
TOM: Of course, they look unkindly on quarter breeds, but we'll cross
that
bridge when we come to it.
> He smiled.
> "If it is not the kitlet producing that bothers you,
> what is it?" She asked quite curious.
CROW: (quite curious) Don't ask me!
> "It's what the collar says, '*Property* of the Prime
> Heir', Alistriayen.
TOM: Ah, so Alis is just a nickname. WHY DID WE HAVE TO WAIT SO LONG TO
FIND THIS OUT?!?
MIKE: Because "Alistriayen" is such a mouthful the authors didn't want
to
type it more than once.
CROW: Or maybe "Alistriayen" is her full name, with "Alis" being a given
name, "tri" meaning "daughter of" and "Ayen" being her mother's
name.
(pause)
ALL: Naaaaaaah!
> I'm not property.
TOM: (Julian) I am not a number, either.
> I'm a free man,
MIKE: He was marked down from fifty cents.
CROW: Still overpriced.
> and
> I don't like the idea of wearing something that say's
> otherwise."
TOM: So he's NOT down with being O.P.P.
> "I'm sorry, Jules, but
CROW: (Alis) I thought _20,000 Leagues Under the Sea_ sucked.
> that is the way things are
> here, women own men, they are property..."
MIKE: Wait, women are property, but they own men?
TOM: (singing) We are all slaves to love...
> "We have a saying, the times they are a changing ...
TOM: (singing) Come writers and critics, who prophesize with your pens,
and read this bad story, about equal rights for men.
> Your empire is going through changes,
CROW: (Julian) Constantine has made Christianity the state religion.
> has been since our
> peoples first encountered each other.
TOM: Actually, all cultures are constantly in a state of flux, even when
they appear entirely stable.
MIKE: Thank you, Mr. Anthropology.
> The treaty talks are
> a sign of it."
> She nodded.
> "For a change to take place, someone has to be
> willing to defy convention and tradition.
CROW: (Julian) They're usually killed or exiled for their beliefs, but
that
will be all right. *I* won't feel a thing. Well, until
you're removed and I no longer have a protector, but hey,
you only live once.
> Someone others
> respect.
MIKE: (Julian) Do you know where we can find someone like that?
> Someone like you, the Prime Heir of the Supreme
> Ruler of the Empire.
CROW: Wouldn't a supreme ruler be one that had every system of
measurement?
> Someone no one will have the power to
> censure for her choices."
TOM: Let me get this straight. Just because she's the Dauphin, she can
not
only live a lifestyle that's repugnant to her culture, she can
force
it down everyone else's collective throat? Can't they burn her at
the
stake or something?
> Had Julian's father been there, he would have burst
MIKE: ...into tears.
TOM: (Julian's dad, sobbing) My son is a cultural imperialist!
> with pride at his son's little speech, which Julian had
> borrowed from a book he remembered reading once.
CROW: _White Man's Burden_?
> Alis considered his words carefully.
MIKE: And she decided he was full of it.
> His look said if
> you really loved me as much as you say,
CROW: Then you might be a redneck.
> you'd make a change
> for me.
TOM: Of course, real love means you don't try to change the other
person.
> She sighed, she could deny him nothing when he
> looked at her like that.
MIKE: I just know that, at the end, King Richard will return, reclaim
the
throne, solve everyone's problems, and let Julian marry Alis.
> "You are right."
CROW: (Alis) You listen to Rush Limbaugh, don't you?
> She reached out to remove his collar and set it back
> in the case.
TOM: And Nancy Drew was on the case.
(MIKE and CROW groan)
> "Tomorrow I will take this back to the Jeweller and
> have the inscription removed and replaced with one that
> reads,
MIKE: 'He pestered me into changing the inscription'.
> 'Julian Bashir, Consort to the Prime Heir'."
CROW: 'A Man Obsessed with Semantics',
TOM: 'Vice-President of the Shaun Cassidy Fan Club',
MIKE: 'And Archbishop of York'.
> His face lit up with a radiant smile that made her
> heart skip.
TOM: (Julian) Alis, baby, you're the greatest!
> She returned it with another gigawatt smile that
CROW: Killed every living thing on the planet.
> had him reaching for her to enfold her in an embrace.
MIKE: Do not enfold, spindle or mutilate.
> Kissing
> her he lowered her back on the bed kneeling between her legs.
TOM: And for some reason, he said two "Hail Mary"s and an "Our Father".
> One hand fumbled with her robe's tie
CROW: Neckties worn with robes, a new fad among the furries.
> while the other moved
> up her thigh.
TOM: (singing) Well, we're movin' on up...
> She shoved him off violently.
MIKE: Is there any other way to shove someone?
> He fell back on
> to the bed, to sit up with a highly hurt and confused look,
> mouth opening to ask why.
CROW: Why ask why?
> The sight of the sheer terror on
> her face stopped him. He didn't know what he'd done to put
> it there, but he wanted to be sure he never did it again.
MIKE: We'll return to _What the Heck did Julian do Wrong?_ after a brief
intermission.
(TOM hovers onto MIKE's lap. MIKE picks TOM up and ALL leave the
theater.)
[Door 1]
[Door 2]
[Door 3]
[Door 4]
[Door 5]
[Door 6]
[Dog Bone]
[SOL Bridge. MIKE is behind the counter. TOM and CROW enter.]
TOM: Mike, we want you to marry Gypsy.
MIKE: (stunned) What?
CROW: Well, we were going to ask you to enslave her, but today's fanfic
has
demonstrated the many advantages marriage has over slavery.
TOM: Yeah, such as... uh...
CROW: And, um...
TOM: Well, suffice it to say that we've been convinced of the
superiority
of marriage.
CROW: So we want you to give her this.
(CROW lifts up his arms, revealing the black enameled case he's holding
in
his hands. MIKE lifts the lid and takes out a dog collar with some
writing
on it.)
MIKE: So when I propose to Gypsy, I'm supposed to give her this dog
collar?
CROW: Yeah, but tell her it's a "wife's collar".
(MIKE shakes his head and chuckles)
MIKE: Okay, I'll go along with this. (shouting) GYPS, COULD YOU COME
HERE?
(GYPSY enters, stage right)
MIKE: I had this made for you, Most Esteemed Lady.
GYPSY: *YOU* had a *SLAVE* collar made for *ME*?!?
MIKE: It's not a slave collar, it's a wife's collar.
GYPSY: Does that mean you won't take any other lovers?
(MIKE is silent for a beat)
MIKE: Define "won't".
GYPSY: Mike...
MIKE: I won't take another LOVER, cross my heart, hope to die, stick a
needle in my eye. (pause) I might be required to have a big harem
filled with gorgeous women for breeding purposes, but it will be
nothing but hot, pleasurable, wonderful sex. I want only you to
share my bed, my quarters, my life, and stuff like that.
(GYPSY gives MIKE a kiss that says everything she can't find the words
to
express, but most importantly, it says "that sounds cool")
GYPSY: I accept. Go ahead and put the collar on me.
(MIKE puts the collar around a part of GYPSY's tube near her head)
GYPSY: There's only one thing I don't like about this.
MIKE: Oh? What's that?
GYPSY: I refuse to wear this collar.
MIKE: But I thought you just said--
GYPSY: (interupting) It says "property of Michael J. Nelson" on it. I'm
not a number, I am a free woman, and I don't like the idea of
wearing anything that says otherwise.
(MIKE takes the collar off GYPSY, gets a black magic marker from behind
the
counter, crosses out the word "property" and writes the word "wife")
MIKE: How's that?
GYPSY: Perfect!
(MIKE enfolds GYPSY in an embrace. The yellow light flashes and CROW
hits
it with his beak.)
[Planet Bumper]