[MiSTied]: 'Encounters' (3/6)

[hei...@imap2.asu.edu]

> From news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-
> state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625 Wed Oct 4 14:16:32
> 1995
> Path: news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio-
> state.edu!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625
> From: fh...@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Douglas A. Wu)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Encounters: Act I Part II
> Date: 30 Sep 1995 14:19:39 GMT
> Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)
> Lines: 204
> Message-ID: <44jjlr$9...@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: piglet.ins.cwru.edu
>
>
> Enterprise's Decks.
>
> Admiral Picard and Dr. Crusher pass each other on the Deck.

Tom [as racetrack announcer]: And coming around the clubhouse turn, it's
Admiral Picard taking lead from the chestnut mare Dr. Crusher, and
far behind it's...Phar Fignewton.

>
> Admiral Picard has finished his visit with Commander La Forge and
> passes Dr. Crusher on Enterprise's decks.

Crow: Ewww! Couldn't he have waited until he got to the bathroom?
Mike: Crow! This is *disgusting*!

> The admiral tells Dr. Crusher
> he has to postpone their date tonight. The situation ends with the doctor
> very annoyed at him.

Crow: You might say she was *crushed*!
Tom: She certainly does have a *crush* on him!
Mike: Please stop.

>
> Picard
>
> Beverly, I have to break our date.
>
> Dr. Crusher
>
> Jean-Luc, why? I was looking forward to the time we were going
> to spend alone tonight.

Crow: Now that's something I've never been able to understand. How can two
people be alone *together*? Isn't that an oxymoron?
Mike: You mean, like 'Millitary Intelligence?'
Tom: Or 'fanfic writer?'
[all snicker]

>
> Picard
>
> Enterprise's warp engines are giving Geordi problems. The ship
> can't enter warp space until it's out of the solar system. I
> have to reorganize the mission tonight because of this unforeseen
> development.

Mike: I don't suppose you can get a ship that *works*...

>
> Dr. Crusher (Sounding very annoyed.)
>
> I know, duty calls. Jean-Luc, you've managed to sidestep my
> attempts at a little romance again. Sometimes, I wonder why I
> even bother.

Crow: So do we!

>
> Picard
>
> Maybe we can spend a little time together when the mission is
> over, just the two of us.

Tom [singing]: Just the two of us...and nobody else...in sight!

>
> Dr. Crusher (Still sounding very annoyed.)
>
> The problem is that you're always on a Starfleet mission.

Crow: And she delivers a *crushing* parting blow!

>
> The Camera follows an Angry Dr. Crusher leaving.
>
> Engineering.

Mike: Wish I could engineer a way to get out of reading this fanfic.

>
> In this situation First Officer Data and Commander La Forge are
> in engineering trying to balance the warp engines.

Tom: They'd need an awfully big pair of scales, wouldn't they?
Crow: And what are they trying to balance them against?
Mike: I'll tell you later.
Crow: Yeah, right. You don't know.

> The two are
> very close friends.

[all sigh at this piece of very obvious information]
Mike: C'mon, Doug, think a little. Give us some depth, give us some insight...
Tom: Give us some plot!

>
> Geordi is helping Data in his quest to become more human. Their
> conversations can be very serious and humorous simultaneously.

Crow: Oh, sure, I see tha...huh?
Mike: That's like saying I can be very hungry and sated simultaneously.
Tom: Or I can be very polite and rude simultaneously.
Crow: 'You might as well say that I breathe when I sleep is the same thing as
I sleep when I breathe.'

> Data's emotion chip has helped him master the art of small talk
> as illustrated in this situation.

Tom: See figure three.

>
> Data enters Engineering.
>
> La Forge
>
> Hello, Data. I need some help with warp field simulations. The
> warp engines refuse to balance.

Mike: My family had the same problem with the Christmas tree one year. Kept
tipping over.
Crow: So LaForge and Data should cut off the bottom couple of inches of the
warp engines?
Mike: Yeah, something like that.
Tom: And then you cut off a couple more...then a couple more...

>
> Data (He is in a Good Mood.)

[all]: At *first*.

>
> I'll see what I can do.
>
> They Work at the Computer and have a Sincere Talk.

Crow: First I ever heard that small talk was sincere.

>
> Data
>
> How's the novel you're writing coming along?
>
> La Forge
>
> I'm having trouble writing a creative and engaging story that
> will interest readers in the Federation.

Tom: The scripwriter speaks, ladies and gentlemen!
[all snicker]

> It's my first novel and
> already I'm suffering from writer's block. Well, I'll find a way
> to regain my creativity...

Mike: I hear they're selling some good acid down on Deck 4...

> Data, are you enjoying your duties as
> first officer?
>
> Data
>
> I find my emotion chip has allowed me to make decisions based
> both on my feelings and the facts. Though, I'm puzzled by
> people's treatment of me since I became first officer of
> Enterprise.

Crow [as Data]: Since when did animal sacrifices become part of Starfleet
protocol?

>
> La Forge
> Oh?

Tom: Ah, such scintillating dialogue.

>
> Data
>
> People tended to ignore me when I was in public places as a
> lieutenant commander. Now, no matter when I am,

Tom: What, he's traveling through time now?

> people come to
> me and try to make small talk.

Mike: They want to know if I can get them something called 'bit parts.'

>
> La Forge
>
> Data, you're in a position of power. They think you'll grant
> them favors based on their treatment of you.
>
> Data
>
> I intend to be fair in the decisions I make as first officer.

Tom: Whether or not I'll carry out my intentions is another matter.

> Their "glad handing" will not influence my decisions in any way.
>
> La Forge
>
> You're turning into a fine first officer. I'm proud of you.
>
> The Camera closes in on Data.

Crow: Aahhhh! Lemme out! The walls are closing in!

>
> Night.
>
> Ten

Mike: Steps...

> Forward.

Mike: And Eleven Steps Back!

>
> The dimly lit place is packed with off-duty Starfleet officers.

Tom: So that's why the place smells like sardines.

> Admiral Picard is sharing a drink with Guinan, Ten Forward's
> bartender. The two have a special relationship that is more than
> friendship.

Crow: Wow, he's got a girl on every set!

>
> Admiral Picard is regretful he has not had many close friends in
> his life. Guinan is the voice of reason in this situation.

Tom: But only this situlation.
Crow: Yeah, she certainly wasn't that in most of her movies.

> She
> tells Admiral Picard he should be a starship captain if that is
> what he wants to do with his life.

Crow: A little late to be deciding that, isn't it?
Mike: Well, the average adult changes careers at least 5 times in his or her
lifetime...
Tom: So that's why you were working at Happy Temps?
Mike: Tom. Do *not* bring that up again.

>
> Picard
>
> Guinan, am I a bad person?
>
> Guinan
>
> I've known you for a long time. I don't believe so.

Mike [as Guinan]: Though it *is* odd how the smell of brimstone follows
you around...

>
> Picard
>
> Captain Riker is right.

Tom: That's a first.

> I don't have anything to prove by
> commanding Enterprise's first mission. I'm growing weary
> of the heavy burden and the isolation I feel on each and every mission.
> Maybe I should retire from Starfleet and do other things with my life.

Mike: I've heard that puttering around the house can be fun.

>
> Guinan
>
> Frank Drake, a 20th century astronomer and astrophysicist,
> suggested there are over 1 million advanced civilizations in the
> universe. Only one Guinan and one Jean-Luc Picard live in these
> advanced civilizations. Don't destroy the one named Jean-Luc
> with doubt and anguish of past decisions.

Mike: Oh, come *on*! That's almost a word-for-word copy of a scene
between Dr. McCoy and Captain Kirk in the episode 'Balance of
Terror!'
Tom and Crow: Fanboy! Faaanboy!

> The crew is counting
> on you to be at you best on the mission.
>
> Picard
>
> I know, they're always counting on me to make the right decision.

Mike: Stuffed crust or deep dish? It's so hard to choose.

> The crew's lives and the lives of their families, 2,000 lives in
> total, depend on the decisions I make on the mission.
>
> The Camera closes in on Admiral Picard.

Tom: Bonk!
Crow: Wasn't that in 'Kentucky Fried Movie?' Or was it 'Amazon Women on
the Moon?'
Mike: Same difference.

>
> Deanna and Worf's Quarters.
>
> Deanna has married Worf, a Starfleet officer and a Klingon
> warrior.

Tom [falsetto]: Famine, Pestilence, and Death--these are my husbands...

> Deanna's worst fear is that

Mike: ...the ship will run out of chocolate!

> Worf may not return from a
> journey to the empire.

Mike: Oh.
Tom: Well, your idea's probably more accurate.

>
> They voice their feelings for another and their apprehension of
> the future in this situation. It is considered a pivotal
> situation in the scenario.

[all scoot forward to the edge of their seats]
Tom: All right, Wu. Lay that pivotal situation on us.

>
> Troi
>
> Worf, would you like to have children someday?
>
> Worf
>
> I really hadn't thought about starting a family.

Crow: Ummm...you're a little late, aren't you?

>
> Troi
>
> I think we can have children and careers in Starfleet.

Mike [as Worf]: Actually, I've proven that I can't.

>
> Worf
>
> It wouldn't be easy raising children who are between two worlds.
> Deanna, as the son of Mog, I'm an influential figure in the
> Klingon Empire. Alexander, my son, understands why I may leave
> him someday but our children may not.

Crow: After all, any children they have will be dumber than a bag of hammers.

>
> Troi
>
> Worf, promise me one thing. Promise me you'll always come back.
>
> Worf
>
> I...I

Tom: Oh, *no*! It's 'The Attack of the the Eye Creatures!'
Mike: Are you stuttering, Tom?
Crow: No, Mike, that *was* the title.
Mike: Ooookay.

>
> Troi
>
> Worf, promise me!
>
> Worf
>
> Deanna, I promise I'll return to you from the my journeys to the
> Homeworld always.

Crow [as Worf]: If I go to Risa, though, don't wait up.

>
> They Kiss.
>

Tom: That's *it*? That's the pivotal scene?! Watching Deanna cling to Worf?
Having the thought of them having children shoved in our faces?
Crow: Geez, Tom, no need to go ballistic. It could be worse, after all.
Tom: Like how?
Mike: This scene could have been written by Ratliff.
Tom [shuddering]: Good point.

> From news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio
> state.edu!lerc.nasa.gov!

Crow: Does this mean we can accuse the author of LERCeny?
[Mike and Tom groan.]

> usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625
> Wed Oct 4 14:16:38 1995
> Path: news.asu.edu!asuvax!cs.utexas.edu!math.ohio-state.edu!magnus.acs.ohio
> state.edu!lerc.nasa.gov!usenet.ins.cwru.edu!cleveland.Freenet.Edu!fh625
> From: fh...@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Douglas A. Wu)
> Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative
> Subject: Encounters: Act II Part I
> Date: 30 Sep 1995 14:25:10 GMT
> Organization: Case Western Reserve University, Cleveland, Ohio (USA)

Mike: The last habitat of the endangered Case Western.

> Lines: 422
> Message-ID: <44jk06$9...@usenet.INS.CWRU.Edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: piglet.ins.cwru.edu
>
>
> Act II

Crow: Gesundheit.

>
> Morning in Space.
>
> Enterprise leaves Spacedock.

Tom [as Spacedock technician]: All right! Now lock the doors behind them!

>
> Enterprise's lights and the spacedock's lights power up. The
> camera films the ship leaving spacedock from all angles.

Crow: Let me guess...Wu really, really liked the shuttlecraft sequence from
‘Star Trek: the Motion Picture.’
Mike: You know, even in the cut-for-TV version, that sequence is over 5
minutes long.
Crow and Tom: Fanboy! Faaaanboy!

>
> The Starship moves beyond an orbiting Starbase.
>
> Symbolically, Enterprise is leaving civilization and is moving
> toward wilderness. Star Trek is considered space opera, westerns
> in space, by many film experts. Westerns' cinematic techniques
> will be incorporated in the movie.

Mike: Remember, when making a movie, try to live down to everyone's
expectations.

>
> Bridge.
>
> Admiral Picard captains Enterprise out of spacedock. Dr. Crusher
> is on the bridge but Captain Riker is no where to be found.

Crow: Let’s hope he stays that way.

> The bridge
> crew feels Admiral Picard's nervousness of the future.

Tom: What, are they *all* empaths?

>
> Data
>
> Ensign, one quarter impulse. Plot a course to intercept the
> alien ship once we're free to navigate. Also, pilot Enterprise
> on impulse power until Pluto.

Crow [as Ensign]: But sir, can't we just move out perpendicular to the orbital
planes, thereby avoiding many navigational hazards?
Mike [as Data]: You've got a lot to learn about Starfleet, Mr. Throwaway.

>
> Ensign
>
> Course plotted and laid in.
>
> Worf
>
> Long-range sensors indicate our path is clear.

Crow: <crunch!>
Mike [as Worf]: Then again...
Tom [falsetto]: Billy! I *told* you not to leave your tricycle there!

>
> Enterprise moves through the Solar System.
>
> Scenery plays a large role in westerns. Special effects and a
> symphonic music score will create a visual and audio feast for
> the audience's eyes and ears.

Mike: Well, *this* audience is getting heartburn.

>
> Captain Riker's Quarters
>
> A resentful Captain Riker looks out his quarters' viewports as Enterprise
> passes the Inner Planets, the Asteroid Belt and Jupiter, Saturn,
> Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto's orbits.

Tom [as Wu]: The planets have all lined up just to appear in my glorious
movie.

>
> Recreation Deck.
>
> Mission Briefing.
>
> The entire Enterprise crew is on the recreation deck.

Mike: With no one left to steer it, the ship crashes into asteroid after
asteroid.

> Enterprise's senior officers are standing beside Admiral Picard.
> Captain Riker is conspicuously absent.

Crow [snickering]: That’s nothing new.

>
> At this point in the scenario Captain Riker does not want any
> part of the ship's mission. It is his belief Admiral Picard is
> not only in command of the ship's mission but in command of the
> ship and its crew as well.

Mike: Ummm...isn’t that what being in command means?

> By the end of the mission briefing
> Captain Riker in standing with the crew. He has decided to place
> the needs of the ship and its crew ahead of his needs and help
> the admiral on the mission.

Crow: So, what are the odds that Wu will describe such a change of heart
in any detail?
Mike: Slim and none.
Crow: Thought so.

>
> Crew close-ups, close-ups of Admiral Picard, computer graphics
> and music visualize the danger Enterprise and its crew faces.
>
> Picard (He steps to the Podium.)

Tom [British accent]: Mawwiage. Mawwiage is what bwings us togethaw.

>
> Shortly, an alien ship will cross into Federation space near the
> Cardassian border. It's on a direct heading for Earth.
> Starfleet has assigned us to meet the aliens before it enters
> Federation space. We need to learn if the aliens are a threat to
> Earth and the Federation. We can be on the Cardassian border in
> three days if Enterprise can travel at its maximum speed, warp
> 12.

Mike: Now hold on! We’ve been told over and over again that warp *10* is
max! And the only person who’s gone faster is in the Delta quadrant,
70,000 light years away!
Tom and Crow: Fanboy! Faaanboy!
Crow: Still, I say let ‘em go faster. I’d love to watch Riker turn into a
giant salamander.
Mike: How’d *you* know about that?
Crow: Well, hem, you see...
Mike and Tom: Fanboy! Faaaanboy!

> (Picard talks as if he is addressing each Enterprise crew
> member individually.) I don't know how you'll react in times of
> stress on the mission,

Tom [as Picard]: I like to curl up in a fetal position in a corner.

> but I'm confident we'll find a way to
> endure. First Officer Data will now brief you on the aliens.
> Mr. Data.
>
> Data (He steps to the Podium.)

Mike: Four score and seven years ago...

>
> The Viewscreen displays Information on the Aridians and their
> Ship.
>
> Starfleet probes and subspace messages from the object suggest it
> to be an ark in space.

Tom [as Data]: I should warn you, the space bit is only theoretical right now.

> Inside the ark is a race of beings called
> the Aridians. They're the inhabitants of a world whose sun
> exploded long ago.

Mike: So they're not *really* its inhabitants anymore, are they?

> The ark travels through space at sublight
> speeds to conserve its fuel reserves but can travel faster than
> the speed of light. Intelligence reports suggest

Crow [as Data]: That our writers need to repeat 7th grade science class.

> the Aridians
> have developed advanced weapons systems during their long
> journey. They are a peaceful race but will use force if
> provoked. Our lives depend on our ability to keep our encounters
> with the Aridians from becoming violent.

Mike [as Data]: So I want you all to take this Prozak.

>
> The Camera films the Crew and Captain Riker. Now, he is standing
> with the Crew.

[all]: Yaaah!
Tom: What, did he teleport in?

>
> Bridge.

Mike: I bid two no-trump.

>
> Admiral Picard pushes Captain Riker into engaging Enterprise's
> warp engines before they are ready with a single look.

Crow: Boy, he’s got strong eyeballs.

> Dr.
> Crusher tells Admiral Picard not to push Captain Riker and the
> crew so hard but he ignores her warnings. First Officer Data
> tries to warn the captain about the ship's warp engines but his
> concerns are brushed aside.

Tom: Lt. Worf expresses his concerns and is shot.

> Enterprise is placed in grave danger
> because of the command officers' decisions.

Mike: Well *that’s* nothing new.

>
> Riker (On Intercom.)
>
> Commander La Forge, I'd like to know how soon Enterprise can go
> to warp space.

Crow [as LaForge]: Looks like two months--it's hard to get parts for these
foreign engines.

>
> Data
>
> Captain Riker, I must inform you Enterprise isn't ready for warp
> space travel. Geordi needs more time for warp field simulations.
>
> Riker
>
> I'll note your opinions of the ship's propulsion system in the
> log. Commander La Forge, place the warp engines online.

Mike [as LaForge]: But I haven't taught them netiquette yet!

>
> Dr. Crusher
>
> Jean-Luc, you're pushing Captain Riker and the others. Let them
> do their jobs so you can do your job.

Mike: Which is...what?

>
> A disgruntled Jean-Luc looks at Beverly.
>
> Engineering.
>
> Again, Enterprise's command officers ask Commander La Forge and
> his staff to pull the proverbial rabbit out of a hat.

Crow: It’s now or never! It’s crunch time!
Mike: Okay, Crow, that’s enough.
Crow: Can they dodge the bullet?
Mike: Crow!
Crow: There is no tomorr...<umph>!
[Mike grabs Crow’s mouth. A few more muffled sounds come from Crow,
then he subsides and Mike releases him.]

>
> La Forge
>
> Mr. McIntyre, how are the warp field simulations?
>
> Mr. McIntyre
>
> Not good sir. This is the best I can do.
>
> A Slightly unbalanced Warp Field is on the Display.
>
> La Forge (Dismayed.)
>
> Bridge. Captain Riker, you have warp speed at your discretion.

Tom: Well, Riker’s never been very discrete.

>
> Bridge.
>
> The crew's tension is rising. Captain Riker has decided to risk
> it to meet the Aridians' ship as soon as possible. The music
> picks up

Crow: and leaves.

> as Enterprise leaps to warp space.
>
> Riker (After he hears Commander La Forge's Response.)
>
> Counselor Troi, what's the crews' morale?
>
> Troi
>
> The crew's stress levels are rising. Will, they need your
> encouragement.

Mike [as Riker]: Will they need my encouragement? That’s what I’m asking
you!
Crow: Ba-dumm cshh!

>
> Riker
>
> Security Chief Sowards, please open a channel to the crew.

Tom: Sowards immediately switches to UPN.

>
> Security Chief Sowards
>
> Channel open.
>
> Riker (On Intercom.)
>
> This is the captain. We're about to enter warp space.

Crow [as Riker]: I've turned on the 'fasten seatbelt' sign. Please turn off
all personal electronic devices until we have reached a distance of
10 light-years...

> Enterprise's warp engines are untested but its crew isn't. I'm
> confident each of you will go above and beyond the call of duty
> during the mission. Together we'll work through the obstacles
> ahead.

Mike [as Riker]: Remember, there is no 'I' in 'teamwork,' but 'memorandum'
begins with 'me' and ends with 'dum.'

> Riker out.
>
> Riker (Speaking to Admiral Picard.)
>
> Admiral Picard, please give the word.

Crow [as Picard]: The word is tapioca. I don’t know why.

>
> Picard
>
> Engage.
>
> Riker
>
> Ensign, now.

Tom: Ensign Now?
Mike: No, it's Ensign Comma.

>
> Enterprise leaps to Warp Space.
>
> Enterprise Phases, i.e., it Winks out of Existence.

Tom: Oh, it’s going through a phase.
Crow: Yeah, it’ll grow out of it.

>
> Enterprise phases through a dimensional rift and enters a place
> beyond time and space where people's dreams and nightmares become
> reality.

Mike: Sounds like Disneyland.
Tom: Uh, Mike...have you been reading those ratmm posts about the Disney
Corporation?

> Sentient spheres of pure energy are circling
> Enterprise.
>
> The camera closes in on Counselor Troi.

Crow: Geez! Look at the zits on her!
Tom: That’s really scraping the bottom of the barrel, isn’t it?
Crow: Well, I’m running out of jokes for that line, since Wu’s *using it so
much*!

> The entities inhabiting
> the region are reaching deep in her subconscious. Enterprise-D
> arrived at a similar place once. That Enterprise needed a
> Traveler's help to return to its dimension.

Mike: In other words, this is a ripoff of ‘Where No One Has Gone Before,’
which was kind of a ripoff of ‘Where No Man Has Gone Before.’
Tom: And at this point, you’re *surprised* by this?

[Continued in Part 4]

--
Sarah Heiner hei...@asu.edu
Arizona State University
MSTie #53681

| Top Ten Tempe Butte Amusing Comments |
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