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Misting- "Triumph of the Retart"- [Daria, Guerin] [Rated R] [1/8]

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Matthew Blackwell

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Dec 25, 2001, 1:15:22 AM12/25/01
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Mystery Usenet Theater 3000: "The Triumph of the Retart"
by Peter Guerin
Misted by Alex Gareipy, Bill Livingston, Cory McCasland,
Keith Palmer, D. Reed, Rebo Valance, and Matt Blackwell (editor)

[Season 10 Opening Sequence]

[The doors open upon the Bridge of the Satellite of Love.
Mike Nelson, the human occupant of the satellite, sits
behind the command console, with his head in his hands.
His robotic companions, Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo,
stand to his left and right.]

Crow: We could both wear cowboy hats and pretend to
speak Italian.
Mike: I don't know, Crow.
Crow: Come on! Guess!
Mike: Um, "Ticket to Ride"?
Crow: No! Geez, Mike. It's "Down Together" by the
Refreshments.
Tom: Okay, my turn. Here you go, Mike. "People
always told me, be careful what you do.
Don't go around breaking young girl's hearts."
Mike: Guys, please leave me alone.
Tom: Oooh. Close. Same artist, but wrong song. It's
"Billie Jean."
[Mike groans and looks up to address the camera.]
Mike: Hi folks. Mike Nelson here on the Satellite of
Love. For the past three hours, Servo and Crow
here have been pelting me with impromptu lyrics
quizzes. Over and over and over again, I...
Tom: Ooh! "Eve of Destruction"!
Mike: [harshly] That wasn't a lyric!
Tom: Oh. Sorry.
Mike: Anyway, my patience is not only exhausted but
it's currently crumpled up in a corner, crying
softly to itself.
Tom: I think I know this one. It's a Morrisey song,
right?
Mike: It's not a song lyric! Stop pestering me with
them!
Tom: Geez. Okay.
[All is silent for a moment.]
Crow: Okay, my turn.
[Mike groans and buries his head in his hands.]
Crow: Okay, here's an easy one for you. "She's coming
on like a bicycle army..."
[As Crow speaks, the lights signaling a call from
Castle Forrester begin to flash. Crow's voice
trails off, and Mike raises his head. All three
of the crew turn to stare at the signal.]

Mike: Er, are we due for an experiment?
Crow: I don't think so.
Tom: Heck, we haven't even shown commercials yet.
Mike: [whispered harshly] Stop breaking the fourth
wall, Tom. [normal] I guess we better see
what's up. [hits button] Um, hello?

[The scene shifts to a darkened Castle Forrester.
In the foreground, a figure shrouded in darkness
stands. He speaks in a low, distorted tone.]

Figure: Mike Nelson?

[SoL]
Mike: Yes?

[Castle Forrester]
Figure: I bring you a warning. You are in imminent
danger. A piece has been unearthed by the
one called Pearl that will shake your soul
to its very foundation. For soon, you shall
face a piece so horrible that...

[SoL]
Crow: Um, excuse me? Why are you telling us this?

[Castle Forrester]
Figure: I have committed horrible sins in the
past and I feel that I must atone for my
actions. Besides, Pearl won't let me watch
"West Wing" and this is a good way to get
even.

[SoL]
Tom: Oh.

[Castle Forrester]
Figure: Where was I? Oh yeah. Be warned! For
imminently, another story from one of
your favorite authors shall be sent to
you and his name is...
Pearl: [O.S.] Bobo?!? Where the heck are those
Cheez-its?
Figure: Gotta go. [normal voice] Coming, Lawgiver!

[SoL]
[The trio looks uneasily at each other.]
Tom: This sounds bad.
Crow: Yeah.
Mike: [cheerfully] Guys, let's get serious here.
We've suffered through a huge number of these
things now. How bad could this possibly be?
[Silence. The commercial sign begins to flash.]
Mike: Okay, let's panic. [to the camera] We'll be
right back.

[The trio begin to rush wildly around as the
planet bumper appears.]

[Commercials]

[Papers, CDs, and videotapes are scattered
everywhere. From off-screen, the sound of
crashing can be heard. Crow enters.]

Crow: Hey everyone. We've spent the last few
minutes cramming for this big thing that
Pearl's supposed to be sending us. We
figure that it's something from one of
those anime guys, that James Cameron
conspiracy guy, or something by James
Joyce. I've been running over everything
that I can find about anime, and Mike's
been studying conspiracy theories. Tom
started on James Joyce...

Mike: [O.S.] Tom! get down from there!

Crow: ... well, he got as far as page 6 of "Ulysses"
before losing it.

Tom: [O.S.] Pink boy, you can bite my shiny metal...
Mike: [O.S.] Servo!

Crow: He's convinced that he's Bender.

Mike: [O.S.] Tom, put that down! Crow? Where did
Tom get a keg from?

Crow: I dunno. Maybe he got it from Keith's room. He was
a big drinker.

Mike: [O.S.] Keith?
Tom: [O.S.] o/~ Puff the Magic Dragon, lived by the sea o/~

Crow: Mike, we've gone over this before.

Mike: [O.S.] We have? But... Tom! Put the beer down! You
can't drink that!
Tom: [O.S.] Alcohol is essential to any robot's operation.
Mike: [O.S.] No it's not! Gimme that!

[Sounds of a scuffle can be heard off screen.]

Crow: Aside from that, things are just about normal around
here.

[Mike enters, winded.]

Mike: Whew.
Crow: Where's Tom?
Mike: I handed him off to Gypsy. She's trying to reprogram
him back to normal. Well, as normal as he usually is,
anyway.
[A *CLANG* can be heard off screen.]
Crow: She's using the frying pan technique again, isn't she?
Mike: Yep. So, who's this Keith guy?
Crow: Like I told you before, Mike, Keith was...
[As Crow speaks, the light signaling a call from Castle
Forrester activates.]
Crow: I'll tell you later.
Mike: Well, let's see what the harbinger of doom wants.
[Mike taps the lights and the scene shifts to...]

[Castle Forrester]
[Pearl Forrester, evildoer, stands before the camera.]

Pearl: Hey Mike. Art. How are things up there?

[SoL]
Mike: Oh, pretty well, I guess. Only one of us is
acting psychopathically.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: So, things are pretty slow then?

[SoL]
Mike: Yep.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: And did everyone sleep well last night?

[SoL]
Mike: I did. The bots didn't though.
Crow: We don't really sleep much, Pearl.

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Well, enough with the pointless banter. Today's
experiment is a feel good story from one of
your favorite authors, Peter Guerin.

[SoL]
[Tom enters, slightly dazed.]
Mike: Hold on, Pearl! We're wise to your little game!
Crow: You've found something horrible and you're
going to inflict it on us!

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Oh, please. Guys, tonight's story is an uplifting
tale of overcoming adversity! It's called "Triumph
of the Retart." Come on, guys! Listen to the
reviews! "Wonderful!" "A powerful story!"
David Manning calls it "A triumph of the human
soul!"

[SoL]
Mike: Oh.
Crow: That doesn't sound too bad.
Tom: Mom? Are we having waffles for breakfast?

[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: Now that's the spirit! Now you little tykes just
head on into the theater and let Auntie Pearl
just send you up a story, okay?

[SoL]
[The lights on the command console have begun to flash.]
All: Okay, Auntie Pearl.


[Castle Forrester]
Pearl: And if you're good, there might be some marshmallow
squares waiting for you afterwards...

[SoL]
Crow: Yay! Marshmallow squares!
[As the bots jump around like puppies, Mike hits the light,
and the door sequence begins.]

[6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .]

[Mike and the robots enter the theater and take their seats.]
Mike: Wow. Pearl seems really nice today.
Crow: Maybe she's turning over a new leaf.
Tom: Or maybe she's just being extra nice because she's
sending us a real doozy and wants it to catch us
off guard.
[pause]
All: Nah.
Mike: She must be getting sentimental on us.

>
>
>TRIUMPH OF THE "RETART"
>

Mike: One of Leni Reifenstahl's lesser-known films.

>A "Daria" Fan Fiction Story by Peter Guerin.
>

Tom: Peter Guerin! The man who brought you "Miffy
Sissi Never Done Banana Split" and "Rerun of
the Lawndale Muffler"!

>With apologies to Glenn Eichler and Mike Judge.

Tom: [officious] No Japanese people were offended in
the making of this fanfic.
Crow: Well, that's a start.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>AUTHOR'S DISCLAIMER
>

Tom: I disclaim this land from Spain!

>This story is entirely a work of fiction. Nothing in this story ever
>happened.

Tom: And a preemptive thank-you to whatever divine powers insured
that.
Mike: It hasn't started yet.
Crow: Yeah, but my Spider-sense is tingling.

> Other than the characters that I created for this story,

Mike: And I assure you, President Fillard Millmore is my original
creation, yes siree.

> all
>"Daria" and "Beavis and Butt-Head" characters depicted in this story
>are (C) 1993, 1997, 1998 MTV Networks.

Mike: In the other years, they became free agents, at one
point almost signing a five-year deal with the Chicago
Cubs.
Crow: No "Undressed" characters? What a gyp!

> All "King of the Hill"
>characters depicted in this story are (C) 1997, 1998 Twentieth
>Century-Fox Film Corporation.

Crow: Fox! Lowering the lowest common denominator since 1987!

> A News Corporation Company.

Tom: The News is copyrighted by Fox?
Mike: Yep. They own the Middle East, China, California, George W.
Bush...
Crow: Don't be silly, Mike! Everyone knows the Oil Lobby owns Dubya!

> All rights
>reserved. As for continuity, this story takes place before "The Misery
>Senshi Neo-Zero Double Blitzkrieg Debacle".

Crow: Hey! Ol' Pete's getting back to the basics for this story.
Tom: Yep. No scrubbing bubbles, no rickety World War Two surplus
planes... just good, old-fashioned army boots.
Mike: But that pain still lies in their future.
Tom: Shouldn't we try to warn them?
Crow: Nope. If we couldn't avoid it, why should they?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>SONG CREDITS

[All sigh.]
Crow: Just like the swallows returning to Capistrano.

>
>"Killing in the Name":

Mike: What ever happened to just "living" in the name?

> Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha;

Tom: Hey, it's the funny little cartoon cockroach!

> music by Rage
>Against the Machine.

Crow: Tonight, at the Big O! It's the XFL's Orlando Rage against
the World Football League's Montreal Machine!
Mike: Um, Crow? The Montreal Machine no longer exists.
Crow: Neither does the XFL, so what's your point?

> (C) 1992 Retribution Music (BMI).

Tom: Bowel Movement Institute.

> All Rights
>Reserved.

Tom: What about lefts?
Mike: Those too. Three lefts make a right.

> Available on Rage Against the Machine's 1992 self-titled
>album on Epic Associated CD's and cassettes.
>

Crow: No wax cylinders? Hmmph!
Tom: Here our gramophone was ready to give us years of faithful
service, and then *they* force us to buy the next big thing!

>"Bulls on Parade":

Tom: From the CD "Songs of the Stock Market."
Mike: [To a march tempo] o/~ They're buuuuulls on parade! They're
mooing along, the matadors are afraaaaaaid... o/!

> Lyrics by Zack de la Rocha; music by Rage Against
>the Machine.

Crow: I think I'm sensing a pattern here.

> (C) 1996 Sony/ATV Songs LLC and Retribution Music (BMI).

Mike: I'm starting to think this is some form of divine retribution.

>All rights administered by Sony/ATV Music Publishing. All Rights
>Reserved.

Crow: [Minnewegean accent] Oh, them rights are just shy, don't
ya know?

> Appearing on Rage Against the Machine's 1996 album "Evil
>Empire" on Epic CD's and cassettes.
>

Crow: AKA The AOL-Time Warner Story.
Tom: [Reagan] Mr. Deli Roach, tear down this album!

>"The Impossible Dream":

Mike: You can just hear the musical transmission dropping out right
here.

> Lyrics by Joe Darion; music by Mitch Leigh.

Crow: Voice enhanced by Sync Sound!

>(C) 1965 by Andrew Scott, Inc., Helena Music Corp., Sam Fox

All: SAMANTHA FOX?!?
Crow: That's such a hot name!
Tom: Yeah, but what's in a name?
Mike: Turns out, naughty girls need fanfics too.

> Publishing
>Company, Inc. All rights reserved. From the musical "The Man of La
>Mancha," based on the novel "Don Quixote" by Miguel de Cervantes
>Saavedra.
>

Mike: This seems rather a quixotic selection... get it?
Tom: But wait - where's it available?
Crow: Pete's slipping.

>"Nearer, My God, to Thee": Lyrics by Sarah F. Adams; music by Lowell
>Mason.
>

Tom: No Rights Reserved? Uh oh! Guerin's got an opening in his
disclaimer that lawyers can puncture through!
Crow: No comment.
Mike: Politic of you. But what was there to comment on?
Crow: Nothing, really... but 'no comment' makes it sound like
I had something witty to say.

>"Lift Ev'ry Voice and Sing": Words by James Weldon Johnson; music by
>J. Rosamond Johnson. (C) 1921 by Edward B. Marks Music Corporation.
>Copyright renewed. International Copyright Secured. All Rights
>Reserved.

Tom: Patent Officers of the World UNITE against bad fanfic writers!

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------AUTHOR'S
>DEDICATION
>

Tom: Considering the length of past efforts, perhaps excessive.

>This story is dedicated to Kristin Graziani (1969-1996), a fellow
>student of mine from Connetquot High School (Bohemia, New York) who
>was pretty much like Daria when we were in school

Crow: She too was animated and moved from time slot to time slot
by MTV.

> and who tragically
>succumbed to a congenital heart defect a couple of years ago. I miss
>you, Mother Hen.
>

Mike: Say, when you see Steve Thorpe, give him a 'hi' from us,
will ya?

>"There's gonna be some sweet sounds on the night shift." --The
>Commodores, "Night Shift"

Tom: And now, back to the tripe.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." --Dr. Martin
>Luther King, Jr.
>

Mike: "Beware of thinkers whose minds function only when they are
fueled by a quotation." -- E. M. Cioron

>"Nothing dies so hard, or rallies so often as intolerance." --Henry
>Ward Beecher
>

Tom: "One original thought is worth a thousand mindless quotings."
-- Diogenes
Crow: "Quotation confesses inferiority." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

>"When Israel was in Egypt's land,/

Mike: That was called the Six Day War, wasn't it?

> Let my people go!/Oppressed so hard
>they could not stand,/Let my people go!/Go down, Moses/

Mike: Further. Further. Down further. No, wait, come back up a little
now - little more. Perfect! Now say "cheese"!

> Way down in
>Egypt's land;/Tell old Pharaoh,/Let my people go!" --"Go Down, Moses",
>traditional spiritual song

Tom: I'm sensing a great disturbance in the Force... as if
millions of civil rights activists suddenly began to spin
in their graves.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Chapter 1: Everybody's Talkin' About the New Kid in Town

Tom: So, while Harry Potter becomes a hit in other parts of the
world, this little part talks about Janette Oke's Animal
Friends?

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>
>Somewhere, on a tropical beach,

Mike: Santa Claus was taking his well-earned vacation.

> Daria Morgendorffer was lying on the
>sand, wearing a green one-piece bathing suit and sunglasses.

Mike: Just one sentence into the story, and already we got one of
the many Guerin-isms out there!
Tom: Yes, a green-clad heroine must keep color-coded!
Crow: Meanwhile, on another side of the island, Richard Hatch is
probably streaking by again...

> Next to
>her was Trent Lane,

Mike: As portrayed by Daria's friend, Wilson the Volleyball.

> lead singer and guitarist for Mystik Spiral;

Tom: Like he isn't baked enough?

> he
>was wearing purple trunks that went down to his knees.
>

Tom: Trent had just finished fighting The Abomination, and
had finally managed to ditch that Rick Jones twerp.

>"This is how I like it,"

Mike: Is 'like' even in Daria's vocabulary?
Crow: No.

> Daria began to say," lying here on a beach
>with you, without a care in the world."
>

Crow: Except for medical waste, skin cancer, and visible panty lines.

>"Hey, that's cool with me," Trent said.
>

Crow: Um, Trent? Everything is cool with you. Heck, even Ricky Martin
is cool with you.

>"Now," Daria added, "if only Quinn got eaten by a shark, it would be
>perfect."
>

Mike: Maybe for you, but what about the shark?
Crow: [Quinn] Grey is such a bland color! If you're looking for a
neutral, try eggplant!

>Quinn, Daria's sister, was swimming nearby, wearing a pink bikini.

Crow: Ahhh... more gratuitous shots of cartoon flesh. Joy.

>Indeed, a shark's fin pierced the water. John Williams' "Jaws" theme
>could be heard in the background.

Mike: Huh! And here I was hearing Danny Elfman's "Jaws" theme.
Crow: James Horner's "Jaws" theme for me.
Tom: Hey!
Mike: What?
Tom: The 'Jaws' theme... it wasn't listed up there in the song
credits! It's a travesty!
Mike: You really care that much?
Tom: No.

> Suddenly, the shark appeared and
>opened its mouth.

Mike: Now open your mouth and say "AAAAAH".
Tom: Who?
Mike: Both of them.

> Quinn saw it and screamed as the shark swallowed her
>whole.

Mike: This was no boating accident!

> But then, after a few seconds, the shark gagged, reversed its
>peristalsis

Mike: Oooh, vocabulary word of the week...
Tom: "Peristalsis: The wavelike muscular contractions of the
alimentary canal or other tubular structures by which
contents are forced onward toward the opening."
Crow: Where do you find all this useless trivia?
Tom: Memepool.

> and spat out Quinn onto the shore.

Mike: Bulimic sea life - is your fish at risk? Next "Oprah".

> Quinn, now covered in
>shark barf, went up to Daria.
>

Tom: Please, Pete! Let's keep the biological technobabble to a
minimum.
Crow: Y'know, we've seen a lot of cheesy movies and read a lot of
bad fanfiction up here, but I don't recall ever before being
confronted by the term "Shark Barf" before.
Mike: Well, except as relates to "Devil Fish".

>"Daria," Quinn began to shriek," if you think that's your idea of a
>joke, it's not funny!"
>

Tom: Jonah, this isn't.
Crow: After being swallowed by a shark and regurgitated onto a
beach, her first priority is yelling at Daria? What about
any injuries?
Mike: Yes, if nothing else she'd freak out over the condition
of her hair.
Tom: She probably broke a nail or two as well.

>Daria was taking off her sunglasses when Quinn threw a punch.
>

Mike: Oh no, now her one-piece bathing suit will have a nasty
stain!

>Suddenly, Daria's alarm clock began to buzz. She was jolted awake.
>

Tom: And now for something completely different.

>"Damn," she said to herself; "I was having a very good dream, then
>Quinn and the alarm clock had to ruin it for me!"
>

Crow: Maybe this story is really a dream within a dream and the
real Daria will wake up and be funny!

>She got out of bed and got dressed. Today was going to be the first
>day of the new school year.

Tom: Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life!

> She took off her blue T-shirt and yellow
>shorts, slipped on her brown robe, took a shower,

Crow: In her robe? Damn, Daria must be REALLY tired!

> cleaned her face,

Mike: Using what?
Crow: Yes, without the crucial knowledge of what color the
wash cloth was, we simply can't continue!

>went to her dresser, put on a bra and panties,

Tom: What, over her sopping wet robe?

> then went to the closet
>and put on her usual outfit of brown T-shirt, green jacket, black
>knee-length skirt and black combat boots.

Mike: More incredibly precise yet meaningless details as they
become available! And now back to... oh, it's still this.
Tom: What is it with male writers and their need to catalog
every single thing the female protagonist is wearing?
Crow: No clue, but personally I don't mind.

> She then went down the
>stairs to the kitchen.

Mike: But not before bumping into several things, as she forgot
to put on her glasses.

> Already Quinn was at the table, along with Jake
>and Helen, Daria and Quinn's father and mother, respectively, eating
>breakfast.
>

Tom: Also present at the table was Helen's secret lesbian lover
Wanda, as well as Marty the talking dog.
Crow: So... Jake is Daria's father and Helen is Quinn's mother?
Mike: Yes, but I don't think that's what he intended to say.

>"Good morning, Daria!," chirped Jake.

[All do various bird calls.]
Tom: He's waiting for Helen to regurgitate her food.

> "Ready to take on another school
>year?"
>

Mike: For the duration of this fanfic, Jake Morgendorffer will be
played by a 2-year old parakeet.

>"I find school as thrilling as getting a root canal," droned Daria.
>

Mike: That seems like the wrong verb.
Tom: Any particular reason?
Mike: Nope.

>"Daria," Helen shot back,

Tom: Guerin-ism #212: Always shoot back at a conversation.

> "do you always have to have a negative
>attitude towards everything?"
>

Tom: [Daria] Yes, because otherwise we're all out of work.

>"I only have negative attitudes about things that are stupid," replied
>Daria.
>

Mike: [Daria] Which pretty much encompasses everything and everyone I
know except me and Jane. And sometimes, I wonder about Jane.
Crow: Yep, there goes the "Dry as a Desert" Daria wit, once again...

>"Daria, you are such a dweeb!," said Quinn.
>

Tom: Ah, classic Quinn. Only she could say something that...

>"And you're an even bigger dweeb, Quinn!," said Daria in response.
>

Tom: ...I stand corrected.
Crow: [Quinn] That's *it*? That's the best you can do?
Mike: [Daria] Hey, give me a break, I had a very restless night,
dreaming of slackers in knee pants and shark barf.

>"Come on, you two!," Jake pleaded. "You'd better finish your breakfast
>and get going!"
>
>"Well, back to the salt mines!," said Daria as she helped herself to
>some pancakes and eggs.

Crow: Knowing Principal Li, that's probably not a joke.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Daria was walking down the street

Mike: o/~ Singing 'Doo-wah-diddi-diddi-dum-diddi-doo'! o/~

> toward Lawndale High School with her
>best friend Jane Lane. So far, it had been a pretty quiet walk.
>

Mike: Then the story started up again.

>"So," Jane finally broke the ice,

Tom: Now to enjoy a cool glass of Tang!

> "how do you think this school year
>will go?"
>

Tom: [Daria] DeMartino should have that coronary any day now and
Upchuck will be charged with sexual harassment.

>"Same stuff, different year," replied Daria sarcastically.
>

Mike: And exactly how is that sarcastic?

>"C'mon, Daria," Jane continued, "things might be a bit different; you
>never know."
>

Mike: [Jane] Otherwise, this fanfic would be titled "Same old poop
I endure every school year."

>"Let's face facts, Jane," Daria replied;

Tom: [Daria] We're in a cartoon TV show. We'll NEVER grow up!

> "it's always the same story:

Crow: [Daria] We go on some dull, yet somewhat exciting adventure.
The other characters pop in with a few quips, then we end
the show with an odd music video. La la, LA-la la. We're
done, next episode, please?

>popular people like Quinn, Kevin and Brittany shun smart people like
>us and we're treated like we're lower than whale dung.

Mike: Come on! Manganese nodules are a valuable natural resource.
Crow: Oh, really?
Mike: Well, they are.

> It's always
>been that way and perhaps will always be that way."
>

Tom: Misery Zen: the fad that's sweeping the nation.

>"Well, actually, there are some people at Lawndale High treated worse
>than us," Jane was quick to add.
>

Mike: The janitors?

>"Who?," Daria wanted to know.
>

Mike: The teachers then?

>"The poor unfortunate students who are assigned to Special Education,"
>answered Jane.

Tom: [Daria] Oh yeah, those dweebs! Whew! It sure is a relief
to know we're not at the bottom of the social chain.

> "Did you know that there about two hundred Special
>Education students in Lawndale High?"
>

Tom: [Jane] That's about 20% of the school's contingent of
students! I saw it on 60 Minutes last night.

>"How come I don't see them?," demanded Daria.
>

Mike: [Jane] Because Ms. Li made them up so that she could get
extra funding from the school district. If anyone asks,
they're all off on a field trip.

>"That's because they're segregated to their own part of the school,"
>Jane said.

Mike: [Jane] Now they're talking about political autonomy!
Tom: Oh, it's a very special fanfic!

> "The Special Education students rarely ever go outside that
>wing except going to and from there at the start and end of the day,
>as well as the few lucky ones who get mainstreamed into regular
>classes. The regular students keep harassing them and beating them up.

Mike: While the irregular students spend all day in the bathroom.

>The students who are relegated to that wing call it 'The Ghetto.'"
>

Tom: o/~ And the teachers cry. 'Cause if there's one thing the
school don't need, it's another empty brain to feed in
the ghetto... o/~

>"And I thought segregation was dead in this country," sneered Daria.
>

Crow: [Jane] Wow, I love it when you impersonate Billy Idol!

>"By the way," Jane said, "did I tell you we've got new neighbors?"
>

Crow: Jane needs to work on her segue skills a bit.

>"You do?," said a rather surprised Daria.
>

Mike: [Jane] It's those losers from "Spy Groove." They kept me
up last night with their whining about their cancellation.
Crow: [Daria] Bummer.

>"Yeah," Jane replied; "They moved in a couple of weeks ago. They're
>called the MacAllisters.

Tom: Don't they give awards to opera singers?

> They're pretty cool folks. I met their
>younger son David.

Tom: [Jane] He'll be part of the big plot point later on.

> He seems to be a pretty good person, if a bit
>sensitive.

Mike: [Daria] What do you mean, "sensitive"?
Tom: [Jane] I mean he cries when he watches "Judging Amy".
And "Lexx". And "The Weakest Link". And "The Drew
Carey Show".
Crow: [Jane] Oh, and their older son is trying to build some
sort of local militia, but I'm sure we won't ever hear
about that again.

> He's going to be going to Lawndale High with us."
>

Mike: I sense a theme between this conversation and the
one about Special Ed.
Tom: Nothing gets by you, huh Mike?

>"I guess I'll have to meet him," Daria said.
>

Crow: [Jane] Yeah, well, it's in the script, so not much you can
really do about it. Sorry.

>They were now right at the front yard of Lawndale High. They entered
>the front doors.

Tom: Guerin-ism #201: Make a big deal about them entering or
"beginning to enter" buildings.

> Jodie Landon and Michael Jordan Mackenzie, a/k/a
>Mack,

Mike: a/k/a Big Baby Sweets.

> were waiting for them.
>

Mike: See, Tony Soprano had just ordered a hit on Jane...

>"Daria, Jane, just the people I was hoping to talk to," Jodie said.
>

Tom: [Jodie] I'm much too optimistic. Quick, depress me.

>"What's up, Jodie?," Daria said.
>

Tom: [Daria] You haven't been traded to "Undergrads", have you?

>"Well," Jodie said, "as you know, we lost our president-elect for
>Student Government when her father was transferred to another state.

Mike: [Daria] If we already knew, then what was the point of saying
it?

>So, as Vice President, I have to serve as Acting President until
>special elections are held.

Crow: These very special elections are brought to you by the
letters 'M', 'T', and 'V'.

> Do you think you want to take a stab at
>being Student Government President?"
>

Tom: [Jodie] Heavens forefend I run for the office. You know,
being actually qualified and all...

>"I think I'll pass," Daria said.
>

Crow: What? No "I'd rather gargle acid"?
Tom: Not even a half-hearted "Up yours"?
Mike: Maybe she took her Prozac today.
Crow: If she had, she'd be smashing Jodie upside the head with
a brick bat.

>"Why?," asked an astonished Jodie. "Don't you want to get involved
>with you school?"
>

Mike: [Daria] I have many failings. Irrational lust for run-down
educational institutions is fortunately not among them.

>"Jodie," Daria said,

Crow: [Daria] I'm a poet, not a politician!

> "I was once involved with the local chapter of
>GLAAD

Crow: Daria Morgendorffer: plastic wrap fan club president!

> as well as fashion reporter for the school newspaper when I was
>living in Highland;

[All laugh]
Tom: *That* must've been a short career!
Mike: [Daria] Shallow. Shallow. Shallow. Lame. Shallow. Shallow
*and* lame. Shallow. Shallow, lame and stupid looking.
Shallow.

> I'll never make that mistake again."
>

Crow: Guerin-ism #602: If something needs explaining, make a huge
appendix!
Tom: Weird, no asterisk... you think all the references will be
in one big hurtful appendix this time?

>"You're actually a lesbian?," Mack said in shock.
>

Tom: [Daria] Yes, I'm from Beirut.

>"No," Daria shot back;

Mike: Soon, Daria was slamming back vodka, tequila, heck,
even cough syrup.

> "I joined GLAAD to shock my parents.

Crow: [Daria] And to get some money from Kevin Smith.
Tom: [Daria] Well, and to hook up with this cute redhead.
But that was just a phase! I swear!

> That
>wasn't the mistake.

Crow: [Daria] It was just that I didn't have the voltage turned
up high enough.

> Being the fashion reporter was. Besides, what
>chance do I have against popular airheads like Sandi and Quinn?"
>

Crow: Kinda like Ralph Nader's chances of winning next election.

>"Rats,"

All: Vote Bush!

> Jane said, "if I knew you were a lessie I would have been
>pretty interested in you."
>

Mike: [Jane] After all, it's time for you to stop leasing
and get property of your own! I have a lovely house
in Greenwood that you should see...

>Daria was dumbfounded, then Jane slapped her on the back, snickered
>and said, "Just kidding, Daria!"
>

Tom: [Jane] You don't interest me in the slightest. I've just
been using you to get to Quinn.

>"That was a relief!," muttered Daria to herself.
>

Tom: Well, then! Let's move on to showing how Daria and company
accept those different from them.

>"What about you, then, Jane?," Jodie said. "Do you want to run for
>Student Government President?"
>

Mike: At this rate Jodie will be accosting farm animals by the
time the day is out.
Crow: What's with her? It's like she WANTS someone else to be
President!
Tom: Maybe she's expecting an uprising by the Home Ec class.

>"I'll take a rain check on that," Jane said; "I'm too involved with my
>art work as it is."
>

Crow: Yeah, she's busy with that new atrium project, painting angels
and naked people.

>They were going to go to their homeroom when they stopped at a rather
>dingy-looking wing of the school. It was the infamous "Ghetto".
>

Mike: How infamous can it be if Daria's never heard of it before
today?
Tom: o/~ From a cold and dreary Lawndale class,
Daria and Jane got a hallway pass
to the Ghetto! o/~
Crow: o/~ To the Ghetto! o/~

>"Well, Daria," said Jane, "this is the 'Ghetto.'"
>
>"Pretty dingy-looking, don't you think?," asked Daria.
>

Crow: Daria read the description a few paragraphs up.

>"Special Education has a pretty low priority here," Jane said.
>

Tom: Ms. Li spent all the budget on electro-shock equipment.

>"Seeing this place give me the creeps!," Mack said.
>

Mike: For students who've been in this school for a long
while, you think this was their FIRST visit.

>They soon went to their homeroom.

Crow: They are now IN their homeroom.
Tom: They soon listen to the teacher about nothing important.
Crow: They are now LISTENING to the teacher about nothing
important.

> No one noticed when a guy with brown
>curly hair, blue eyes, eyeglasses, a collared shirt buttoned to the
>top and corduroy pants went to the "Ghetto".

Mike: A young Art Garfunkle visits Harlem.
Crow: Ah, an unknown character described in detail... how
important can he be?
Tom: o/~ People don't you understand! Those special stu... o/~
Mike: We get it, Tom.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Homeroom lasted five minutes.

[Tom simulates a schoolbell.]
Mike: [teacher] Everybody take their seats!
[Tom repeats the sound.]
Mike: [teacher] Class dismissed!

> Soon the bell rang for first period
>class. Quinn had her admirers, Jeffy, Jamie and Joey, surrounding her.
>

Crow: Alright Quinn, we have you surrounded! Now tell us where the
Fashion Club is going Friday Night!

>"So, guys, do I look cute as ever?," Quinn gushed.
>

Tom: I say she's only at 87% cute today.
Crow: Are you kidding? 62%, and that's being kind!

>"Yeah, you do, Quinn!," Joey said.
>
>Jeffy and Jamie added their agreement to Joey's comment.
>

Mike: Then they filed an affidavit affirming their
agreement to Joey's comment.

>The guy with brown curly hair was leaving the "Ghetto".

Tom: o/~ After homeroom in desperation, the young man breaks
away. He grabs... o/~
Mike: Tom? Enough already. It's giving me a headache.

> Jeffy saw him.
>

Mike: [Jeffy] Cool, walk-ins! I thought this show would never
have those!

>"Excuse us, Quinn," Jeffy said, "but it looks like that new kid in
>town needs to be taught his place."
>

Tom: Pardon me, but when exactly did Quinn's dumber-than-dirt
posse turn into sadistic bigoted terrorists?
Mike: About five seconds after the plot demanded it.

>The three boys left Quinn and went up to the stranger.
>
>"Hey, you!," Jeffy said.
>

Mike: [Jeffy] Get into my car!
Crow: [Guy] Who me?
Mike: [Jeffy] Yes, you! Get into my car!

>The guy with the brown curly hair tried to just walk away. Jeffy,
>Jamie and Joey then surrounded him.
>

Mike: I hate teamsters ganging up on you like that.
Tom: Curse those inversely rhymed named people!

>"Are you deaf, retart?," Joey said to him.
>

Crow: And if he was? Would they leave him alone then?
Tom: Ah, the joys of pre-cooked pastries...
Mike: That's "Pop Tarts," not "retarts".

>"I don't like being called a 'retart,'" the guy with brown curly hair
>finally spoke.
>

Tom: Especially because it's spelled wrong.
Crow: But on the other hand, when you rearrange the letters you get
"ratter".
Mike: Meaning?
Crow: [pause] Geez, Nelson, does *everything* have to have a
meaning?!?

>"We'll call you anything we want to!,

Mike: [Jeffy] We'll call you Janet, even though we're nasty!

> you fuckin' retart!" Jeffy said
>as he seized him by the collar of his shirt and slammed him against
>the lockers.
>

Tom: Next time on Oz...
Crow: I would grammatically deconstruct that sentence, but Mike
would yell at me.

>"Please, I don't want to get into trouble on my first day!," the guy
>with brown curly hair pleaded.
>

Crow: Yeah, at least wait until tomorrow!

>"Listen up, retart!," Jamie said.

Mike: [Jamie] You're supposed to be in the parking lot! The Dead
Milkmen are taking you to the zoo in their bus!

> "That wing you just left is called
>'The Ghetto'!

Crow: [Jamie] That means seven years of bad luck, ya hear?

> You and all you other retarts are supposed to remain in
>there!

Tom: [Guy] Look, I was just passing through it to get to class
faster, do you mind not jumping to such conclusions?

> You're not allowed to go beyond there all day long!

Crow: [Guy] Oh, I'm sorry I have freedom of movement!

> That way,
>you and your other retart friends don't pollute our school!

Mike: Pollute? Is there a scientific explanation for this?
Crow: They are known to emit CFCs? I think not!

> Go back to
>where you belong, retart!"
>

Mike: Great. It's the JJJ.
Tom: Yep, they intimidate people by burning croissants in front of
their houses.
Crow: See, this is what I like about Pete's stories - the subtle and
understated way he gives us hints about who the bad guys are.

>"But I have a math class to go to now!," whined the guy with brown
>curly hair in fear.
>

Tom: That's the most advanced case of mathophobia that I've ever
seen!
Crow: Y'know, maybe I'm wrong, but I think this guy just *may*
have curly brown hair.
Mike: Let's not jump to conclusions.

>"Then we'll have to teach you the hard way!," Joey said.

Tom: [Joey] Find the square root of 7 with an abacus!

> Jeffy and
>Jamie held him by the forearms as Joey began to sucker punch him in
>the gut.
>

Mike: What happened to 'zero tolerance'?
Crow: The assailants aren't holding chicken fingers...
Tom: I know I'm supposed to feel sympathetic, but I just feel
empty and kind of hungry.

>"HELP! SOMEONE HELP ME!," the guy with brown curly hair yelled.
>

Crow: o/~ Oh where, oh where has my Underdog gone, oh where o
where can he be... o/~

>Daria and Jane,

Tom: ...crotch-kicking superheroines!

> who were on their way to Mr. DeMartino's social
>studies class, heard it.
>

Crow: Quick, to the Misery Chick-mobile!

>"What the Hell's going on?," Daria said.
>

Mike: [Announcer] Reporting live from Pandemonium, this is
Television of the Damned...

>"It doesn't sound good," Jane said.
>

Tom: They need to lower the bass and increase the treble.
Mike: Since when does a cry for help ever sound good?

>Curiosity got the better of them and they went down to where they
>heard the commotion. When they got there, they were shocked.
>

Mike: These lockers are green! I never noticed that before!

>"Jeffy, Jamie, Joey,"

Tom: Justin! Jason! Jared!
Mike: Jeremy! Jimmy! Johnny!
Crow: Jaleel! Jasper! Jehosaphat!

> Daria said, "what the Hell are you doing?"
>

Mike: [Announcer] The Potentate for Immoral Policing denied today
rumors that he had failed to take a proffered bribe...

>"We're teaching this retart his place, Misery Chick!," Joey said.

Crow: By punching him senseless? I don't like this lesson.
Tom: And shouldn't that be NEO Misery Chick?

> He
>then hit the guy with the brown curly hair right in the testicles.

Mike: And with that, the official Guerin Nutkick Count is underway!
Crow: [terrified] If the forces of evil have learned Guerin's
finishing move, then what hope do any of us have?

> He
>let out a loud "AAAAAAAAAAAA!"
>

Crow: Um, why is Joey screaming if the 'guy with the brown curly
hair' is getting beat up?
Tom: It's an unspecified reference. I think he meant that the
'guy with the brown curly hair' was screaming.
Crow: Oh.
Mike: Personally, I'm wondering why Joey gets all the lines.

>Jane then got a good look at who it was they were beating up. "Oh, my
>god!

Mike: He's full of stars!

> It's David!," she gasped.
>

Crow: Well, that's easier to say than 'guy with the brown curly
hair', for sure.

>"You know this fuckin' retart, Janey Waney?," touted Joey.
>

Crow: Uh, Tom, can I get a definition for 'touted'?
Tom: Publicize, and/or a bunch of stuff dealing with
betting on horses.
Mike: Janey Waney? Are these two an item?
Crow: Only if that item is rotten and moldy.

>"Yeah," yelled Jane, "he's my next door neighbor!

All: Gasp!
Mike: We're shocked! Shocked I say!
Tom: I never saw it coming!

> And I don't like
>being called 'Janey Waney!'"

Mike: But it rhymes and everything!
Crow: Huh. Now David's going to think she was just mad about the
nickname.
Tom: Well, every little bit helps.

> With that, she ran up to Joey and
>broadsided him with a right hook.
>

Mike: Uh, probably a bad idea. Jane doesn't seem like an
athletic type, and I'm pretty sure the three boys are.
Crow: Still, every neighborhood relationship should be this
thoughtful.
Tom: Just so long as she doesn't ask David to return her
lawnmower when all this is over.

>Daria went up to Jeffy and Jamie and gave them a quick kick to their
>testicles, sending them howling.

[All sigh.]
Mike: Two.
Tom: Three.
Crow: Actually, two at once is pretty darn impressive.
Mike: She's Jean-Claude Van Daria.

> David collapsed onto the floor and
>cowered in fear.
>

Mike: At this point logic has just thrown up its arms and said
"I just don't know..."
Tom: Uh... wouldn't running away and/or getting to math class be
a more appropriate reaction?

>Jane sent Joey reeling with a left cross. Daria then sent Jeffy and
>Jamie crashing to the floor with quick blows to their solar plexus,

Tom: "Super Daria Lawndale Action" now available for Gamecube,
Playstation 2, X-Box, Sega Dreamcast, PC and Mac.
Mike: And Guerin tries something totally different and mentions
a place OTHER than the area during the fight.
Crow: Maybe that's just another name for area.

>but not before Jeffy smacked Daria right between the eyes, breaking
>her glasses in half.

Tom: For this story the role Jeffy will be played by Ike Turner.
Crow: Guerin-ism #59: Have Daria lose her glasses at one point.

> The three of them then crawled away.
>

Crow: You haven't humiliated your enemies until they taste the
floor wax as they retreat.

>"Run away like the cowards you are!," shrieked Daria.

Mike: But they're not running, they're crawling. Besides, I
wouldn't be running either after being hit in the area.

> She and Jane
>turned to David. He was now crying. Daria now approached him. "It's OK
>now," Daria said, embracing him and letting him cry on her shoulder;

Tom: It all has to do with balance. Her nurturing mother side should
cancel out her brutal street fighter side quite nicely.

>"they won't bother you anymore."
>

Crow: [Daria] At least not until we leave. Then you're on your own
again, so buck up.
Mike: Yes, one fight is enough to keep them away forever.
Tom: Okay, note to self: When facing a bully, give 'em a good
kick to the crotch, and all your troubles will go away!

>"Whoever you are, thank you," David said; "You're the first student I
>ever met who gave a damn about me."

Crow: And Jane is just what, liver and onions?
Mike: No, Jane is just the sidekick. You know how it goes, they
never get anything, not even acknowledgement.

> He was sobbing uncontrollably now.

Tom: [Jane] Told you he was sensitive.

>
>"I'm Daria Morgendorffer,"

Mike: Distant cousin of the great Dorf.

> she said. "I guess you already know my
>friend Jane Lane."
>

Mike: [David] *sniff* Well, I know enough not to call her
"Janey Waney".
Crow: *ahem*
Tom: [David] Oh, right. I guess Daria is the SECOND student I
ever met who gave a damn about me...

>"Yes, I do, " David said. "I'm David MacAllister. I was going to my
>math class when they began to harass me."
>

Mike: Not to be terribly pushy or anything, but isn't he rather
late?

>David then dried his eyes and took a good look at Daria.

Mike: [David] Aren't the broken bits from the glasses hurting you?

> "Did anyone
>ever tell you that you look cute?," he said.
>

Tom: I see David seems to take the appropriate moment to start
flirting.

>Daria was dumbstruck by that. She began to blush. "Uh, actually, no,"
>she finally replied. With that, David suddenly French kissed her.

Tom: The kind with tongue, or the kind where you kiss both cheeks?
Crow: The world may never know...

>Daria sprung back, more in shock than in anger.
>

Mike: [Daria] Ewwwww, cooties!
Tom: Um, doesn't it require a certain amount of CONSENT on
Daria's part for someone to get his tongue in her mouth?!
Mike: Smile and nod, Tom.

>"Did I tell you that David has never really gone out with girls?,"
>Jane said.
>

Tom: [Daria] Frankly, it shows. Here, let me and Jane show you
how a French kiss is *supposed* to be done!
Mike: I'd hate to see how he'd act when he feels a little more
comfortable around them.

>"Sorry!," pleaded David.
>

Mike: A synonym so nice he used it twice!

>"That's OK," Daria said, "I guess you were carried away by the
>emotional response.

Crow: Emotional mood swings are common after being beaten up by
bullies!

> Just don't do that again, or I'll scratch your
>eyes out." She added a grin to that, to let him know that she was just
>kidding, so that he wouldn't freak out again.
>

Mike: And then she pulled her head off so that he would.

>A crowd had heard all the commotion and gathered around the scene.

Mike: What scene? Isn't it over?
Tom: It's a belated-gathering.

>Angela Li, the principal, managed to make her way through the crowd.
>

Crow: [Ms. Li] Great, I can sell footage of this to the WWF!

>"Ms. Morgendorffer, Ms. Lane," Ms. Li began to say, "these three
>students say you beat them up.

Tom: Yep. Guys admit to getting thrashed by girls all the time.

> Is that true?" She pointed right at
>Jeffy, Jamie and Joey.
>

Crow: So Mike, when *you* were in high school, did the tough guys
usually go running to the principal whining that a couple of
girls had thrashed them?
Mike: I think they'd have rather gargled with rusty razor blades in
salt water.

>"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David here was being attacked by those three.
>We weren't going to just stand by and see him get beaten up to a
>bloody pulp."
>

Mike: Aren't there any other witnesses?
Tom: Nope, they only started to pay attention AFTER the French
kiss.

>"I want the three of you in my office right now!," she said.
>

Mike: Um, which three? There's six involved.
Crow: Try not to get too involved with what story there is.

>"Uh, oh! Now we're going to face the firing squad!," Jane said.

Tom: [Daria] What are you talking about? I find one of the
Sergeants very cute.

>
>"I hope they'll let us have a last meal first!," shot back Daria
>sarcastically.

Mike: [Daria] And maybe a cigarette too... anything but a
menthol.
Tom: She wants *school* food? Is she nuts?
Crow: Tragically, they were denied their last meal, and were
all shot in the gut and died horribly. The end.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>At Ms. Li's office, everyone was given the opportunity to tell their
>side of the story.

Mike: They even submitted essays for it.

> Jeffy, Jamie and Joey started by saying that David
>had been bothering them by trying to hit up on Quinn.

Tom: So it was just NATURAL that their response would be a
beating?

> David tried to
>defend himself, but was silenced by Ms. Li.

Crow: [Ms. Li] That Cone of Silence really comes in handy.

> Daria and Jane then told
>their side of the story, but to no avail it seemed. David was not even
>given a chance to speak on his behalf.
>

Crow: Which contradicted the sentence "everyone was given the
opportunity..."
Tom: Brokedown Palace 2: Back to School.

>"Well, I have reached a decision," Ms. Li said.

Mike: [Ms. Li] Fries instead of the baked potato. As for you little
snots, get the heck out of my office, alla yez!

> "Ms. Morgendorffer,
>Ms. Lane,

Tom: [Ms. Li] Didn't you graduate three years ago? Why are you still
here?

> you will serve one period of detention during your scheduled
>study hall for the next week. As for you, Mr. MacAllister, you will
>serve two periods of detention over the next two weeks."
>

Crow: So popularity equals trustworthiness, Mike?
Mike: Actually, it does.

>"That's unfair, Ms. Li!," shot back David,

Tom: Well, shooting at her won't help.

> "I was the one who was
>wronged! Why do I get the stiffest sentence

Tom: Braggart.

> while those who picked on
>me are getting off scot free?

Mike: It's called bureaucracy, kid. Deal with it.

> You're doing this to me because I'm in
>Special Education!"
>

Tom: Is it possible...?!
Mike: A principal that has no knowledge of the ADA?!
Crow: What's next, she's going to deny Title IX?

>"Question my authority again and I'll give you a one week
>suspension!," yelled Ms. Li.
>

Tom: [Cartman] Respect mah authori-tah!

>"Ms. Li," Daria said, "David has a point.

Mike: [Ms. Li] Do YOU want a one-week suspension?
Tom: She questions authority! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~

> You're discriminating
>against David because he has a disability that impairs his ability to
>learn.

Tom: [Ms. Li] Actually, I'm discriminating against anyone affiliated
with you, Daria. That's a totally different thing!

> There are anti-discrimination laws in this nation, you know."
>

Crow: Guerin-ism #445: Have at least one character completely
disregard the American Constitution or any federal or
state law, just for the heck of it!
Tom: [Ms. Li] HA! That's a laugh! Next you're going to tell me I
can't keep using Cuban slave labor instead of hiring a
janitorial staff!

>"Ms. Morgendorffer," Ms. Li began, "the one thing you have to learn is
>that life is grossly unfair.

Crow: [Daria] Hey, you're talkin' to the girl whose show gets bumped
for every "Road Rules" and "Jackass" marathon - don't tell *me*
life's unfair!

> My decision stands! I expect you, Ms.
>Lane and Mr. MacAllister to be in the detention room at fifth period.
>That is all." With a wave of her hand, she ordered the students out of
>her office.

Tom: Ms. Li: Jedi Master.

>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>----------------------------------------------------------
>Word of what happened spread like wildfire.

Mike: And "Grease" was that word.

> When Daria and Quinn
>arrived at their home, Quinn couldn't resist blabbermouthing it to
>their parents.
>

Tom: The Morgendorffers were shocked as her lips puffed up
with several pounds of whale blubber...
Mike: Wrong spelling.
Tom: I'm justified. "Blabbermouthing" isn't an actual word.
Crow: And "blubbermouthing" is?
Tom: Silence!

>"Hi, girls!," Jake chirped,

[All make more birdie noises.]
Tom: It's nice to see a mixed species marriage working so well.

> "How was your first day back in school?"
>

Tom: [Daria] Oh, the usual, daddy. Did some schoolwork, made a
few sarcastic remarks, kicked someone's crotch...
Crow: [Jake] That's nice, Daria. And you, Quinn?

>"Daria got into a fight and wound up in big trouble," Quinn said.
>

Mike: She's got to prop up the saw table in shop class for the
rest of the semester.

>"You little rat!," Daria said,

Crow: I smell a big ditzy rat...

> smacking Quinn in the back. "I wanted
>to tell them myself!"
>

Tom: This random act of senseless violence and name-calling only
serves to paint Daria as the more mature party in front of
her parents, of course.

>"Daria!," Helen shrieked. "How could you?"
>

Crow: [Daria] I bunched my fist up and thrust it into the guy's
face. Pretty simple, really.

>"Mom, Dad," Daria began to say,

Tom: Then from there went into a ranting of biblical proportions!

> "There was a new boy who's in Special
>Education, and Quinn's admirers were beating him up.

Crow: They couldn't stand seeing anybody more pathetic than them.

> Jane and I
>stopped him."
>

Tom: No, they stopped the attackers, not the new boy. She can't
even get it right.

>Jake took a good look at Daria.

Mike: [Jake] Did anyone ever tell you that you look cute
without your glasses?

> "Where are your glasses?," he
>demanded.
>

Mike: Why, he's right!
Tom: It's a subtle thing, though. Don't feel bad for missing it.

>Daria took the broken eyeglasses out of her backpack. "They got broken
>when I was stopping the fight," she said.
>

Crow: Then how could she see all day? She needs those glasses!
Mike: I bet we missed reading about a wacky, Mr. Magoo type escapade
involving Daria.

>Suddenly, the doorbell rang.
>

Tom: A shot rang out!
Crow: A maid screamed!
Mike: A pirate ship appeared on the horizon!

>"I'll get it," Helen said.
>

Mike: [Helen] Oh, a landshark! Quinn! It's for you!

>When she opened the door, there stood David, along with a woman with
>black curly hair and a tall, portly gentleman with brown hair and a
>mustache.
>

Crow: David's parents are Julia Louis Dreyfuss and Martin Mull?

>"Mrs. Morgendorffer," said the gentleman, "I'm Warren MacAllister,
>David's father.

Mike: [Warren] You might recognize me from such memorable fanfics
such as... no wait, this is my only fanfic. Curses!

> This is his mother, Deanna MacAllister.

Tom: [Warren] She said she sensed strong emotions here.

> David here
>said you oldest daughter saved him from some bullies."
>

Crow: How did David know Daria was in a family of more than one
daughter?
Tom: I'm wondering how they got her address.

>Daria couldn't resist smiling to herself at that moment.
>

All: o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~

>"Well, er, well I guess she did," Helen finally admitted.
>
>"Daria said that you're a very good lawyer," Mr. MacAllister
>continued.

Crow: I take it detention was one big "get-to-know-you" session.

> "I was hoping you'd represent us when we file suit
>against the parents of those boys who beat up our son."
>

Tom: Ah yes, the American way of life - sue sue SUE!

>Helen was dumbstruck.
>

Crow: [Helen] I could be the next Johnny Cochrane!

>"Oh, look there!," David said, "There's Daria's sister, Quinn!"
>

Mike: [David] Can I French kiss her too?

>Quinn shrieked in embarrassment and ran upstairs.
>

Tom: Quinn doesn't want to admit her forbidden love for the
special ed student...

>"I can't stand geeks!," Quinn yelled as she shot out of sight.
>

Crow: Geekphobia is a tragic condition brought about by
environmental factors... and it could happen to *you*!

>"Why don't you come in?," Jake said, trying to cover the awkward
>moment.

Mike: At that point, the moment decided to stop practicing yoga,
even if it was more interesting than the fanfic.

> They did.
>

Tom: [Jake, sotto voce] I was hoping we could brush them off
lightly. Thanks a lot, Quinn!

>"I'm glad you raised your daughter to stand up for those who can't
>defend themselves," Mrs. MacAllister said to Helen.

Mike: [Helen] I raised my daughter? Oh, kidding, Daria! Kidding!

> "David here has
>been picked on a lot at every school he's been."
>

Crow: [Deanna] Even Vassar!

>"What exactly is wrong with him?," Helen asked.
>

Tom: [Deanna, sarcastically] Well, according to your other daughter,
he's a "geek". Hope that won't be a problem.
Mike: So, they assume it's HIS problem, and not, say, the bullies?

>"He's got what is called 'Attention Deficit Disorder,' or 'ADD' for
>short,"

Tom: Ah. "Ferret Shock Syndrome."

> Mrs. MacAllister continued; "It's that mental condition where
>you suffer limited attention spans,

Mike: Typical MTV viewer.

> you don't comprehend directions
>clearly,

Crow: Typical male.

> and sometimes you go into rather violent temper tantrums.

Tom: Typical Mike Tyson.

>We've got David on Ritalin, which has helped him somewhat.

Crow: [Deanna] Especially with the money he gets from selling
it to speed addicts.
Mike: Yes, let's get *all* our kids doped up!

> Because
>everyone picks on him and because of his condition, he doesn't have
>many friends."
>

Mike: Actually, that sounds more like ADHD, but I'm no expert.

>Mrs. MacAllister went on, "What tears me is that David told me that
>students like him are warehoused into one wing of the school and have
>to stay there the whole day.

Tom: Where we pass the savings along to *you*!

> That's about as bad as the days where
>African-Americans had to use separate bathrooms."
>

Tom: I'm trying to wrap my dome around that analogy, but it's
just not working.
Crow: Guerin-ism #798: Give everyone a history lesson over and over.

>"Well," Helen said, "you could file a complaint with the Board of
>Education or with the State Department of Education."
>

Tom: [Helen] Because it's an Education problem, you see.

>"What good will that do?," Mr. MacAllister said.

Mike: [Warren] Good-for-nothing bureaucrats can't tell the
difference between a complaint and a compliment!

> "They usually turn a
>deaf ear to us.

Crow: [shouting] DID HE SAY THEY BURN THE TOUGH PIER?
Mike: [shouting] HUH? HOW WOULD THEY EARN ANY DUFF BEER!
Tom: [shouting] WHAT'S THAT ABOUT ERNIE, CHUCK AND BEEZ?

> Students like David are the low man on the totem
>pole."
>

Tom: Special Ed students of the world UNITE!
Crow: Guerin-ism #199: Politicians that are not main characters
do diddly-squat, even in situations that require them to
at least say something.

>"Well," David said, "I'm going to change that."
>

Mike: [David] I'll need a string and a picture of Jessica
Simpson!

>"How?," Daria said.
>

Crow: [David] I'm going to build my own totem pole! And
I'll sit at the very, very top!

>"I heard during the morning announcements that there's a vacancy for
>Student Government President.

Mike: Well, there *was*, but since Al Haig seized control...

> I figured that if someone like me was on
>Student Government, Special Education students would have a voice in
>student affairs that they don't have now. Tomorrow, I'm going to
>announce my intention to run for that vacancy.

Tom: On the Reform Party ticket.
Mike: If a furniture stealing hick from Arkansas can get elected,
there's nothing stopping Dave.

> It's time people like
>me stood up against those bullies who keep picking on us!"
>

Mike: David MacAllister for President! He'll get things done!
Eventually!

>Daria and the others were speechless.
>

Crow: Sadly, that wouldn't last.
Tom: [Daria] Wow, he really is mental!

>"David, are you serious?," Daria finally found the nerve to say.
>

Mike: [David] Sure! I even made a chant! "Go me go!" Well, it's
in its early stages.

>"I thought about this since this morning," David said.

Tom: This campaign's got a long and noble history, indeed!
Mike: According to my calculations, that's right about when
he was putting his kidney back in.

> "For too long
>people like me have been persecuted because we're 'different' from
>normal people.

Crow: This is starting to sound like something out of "Revenge of
the Nerds".
Mike: Or the X-Men.

> If we have someone like me on Student Government they'd
>pay more attention to us.

Mike: Just like people listen to Bob Dornan because he was
elected.

> From what I've heard from my fellow Special
>Education students, the wing of the school that they call 'The
>Ghetto' has been ignored for years.

Tom: Get it? GET IT?
Mike: Actually, nowadays schools spend more per student on
special education kids than any others. These are the
kids who don't do well in regular classes, so
reintegrating them might not solve their problems.
Crow: Um, Mike, it might be a good idea to cut down on the
social commentary.

>I've also heard horror stories about students like me getting beaten
>up and threatened.

Tom: It's not something that should be told at a campfire, lemme
tell ya.

> Do you know that no Special Education homeroom has
>a representative on the House of Homeroom Representatives

Mike: With its speaker, Skippy Gingrich.

> or a member
>on the Student Senate,

Tom: [David] Or become a staff member of the White Chalkboard House?

> or that the self-contained Special Education
>students don't have the right to vote

Mike: As with the other students because they're too young?

> since technically they spend all
>their time in one classroom and don't go to social studies class,
>since you vote during that class?"
>

Mike: [Daria] Um, everything except the bit about the Senate. Now
*that's* unfair!
Tom: Okay, wait - wasn't he actually going to *another class* when
he had his little dust-up with the Goonies?
Crow: And not to be derogatory, but shouldn't he be working for
institutional change, rather than altering one school?

>Daria knew how Student Government worked in Lawndale.

Tom: And in a moment or two, so shall we...

> The Executive
>Cabinet had the President, Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and
>Historian.

Tom: Secretary of the Interior...
Mike: Postmaster General...
Crow: Illustrious Potentate...

> The School Congress was bicameral.

Crow: Meaning that they only had two cameras in their storage
department.

> Its upper house was the
>Student Senate.

Mike: Or, if we go by the British parliamentary system, the House
of Students.

> Each class (which, of course, had its own President,
>Vice-President, Secretary, Treasurer and Historian)

Crow: Majority Leader...
Tom: Chief Justice...
Mike: Plus the Sun Jerk from "Misery Moosery Mammary Mongo".

> had to send five
>members selected by their class officers.

Crow: Next they'll say it's important to have party affiliations.

> The lower house was called
>the House of Homeroom Representatives;

Mike: It got flooded every spring.

> each homeroom had to send one
>representative so that he or she could report on Student Government
>activities as well as debate on matters.

Tom: Not to mention the Select Standing Committee on Graft.

> The approval of both houses
>was needed as well as the President's signature for all Student
>Government actions.

Mike: The President will also have to go on foreign trips to
other schools to bring peace in the region.
Tom: Yeah, I heard that after the great Lawndale/Highland
football game there was bad blood between the two. Real
shame.

> There was even a Student's Court,

Crow: Only instead of the "Nine Old Men", they've got the original
cast of "21 Jump Street".

> which was
>designed as a "release valve" for student discontent over minor
>matters that the administration deemed as not being of any
>disciplinary consequence.

Tom: Today! On "The Student's Court"! He says he took his
lunch money. He said he was borrowing. Who's right?
We'll find out in a moment!

> Both parties had to agree to be bound by the
>court's decisions,

Crow: Then their pictures are taken by court photographer Robert
Mapplethrope.

> though matters of more grave concern could be
>investigated by the administration if warranted.

Mike: Gallant creates several offices so that the students
can be introduced to the world of politics. Goofus
creates a system that the Ancient Chinese would
have considered to be overly bureaucratic.

> The whole convoluted
>system was Ms. Li's idea,

Tom: Plus maybe just a little input from those Founding Father and
Athenian Greek and Iroquois Confederacy guys, perhaps.

> since, as she put it herself, "best mirrored
>the working of our great democratic government."
>

Tom: So the Student Council's nothing more than a mirror of the
US Government?
Mike: I think they went too far when they authorized the sale of
300 Sophomore Class candy bars to Taiwan.
Crow: It's like a mini-Washington... and it's too big to do any
real good.

>"Frankly, David," Daria said, "I wasn't aware of that."
>

Crow: Huh? Of which part?
Tom: I lost track. Wanna go back and read it again?
Crow: NO! I mean, why spoil one of life's last great mysteries?

>"Then, don't you agree," David said, "it's time to change this?"
>

Mike: No, it's Mime Time.

>"David, I don't want to burst your bubble," Daria said,

Tom: [Daria] But POLITICS? Booooring!

> "but this is a
>classic 'David versus Goliath' confrontation you're setting yourself
>up for.

Mike: Yes, for millennia, the tragic fate of David has served as
a harsh object lesson to those who would dare to challenge
superior force.

> First, in order to run, you have to file a petition, which
>must have at least enough signatures equivalent to ten percent of the
>entire student body.

Tom: [David] We could say it's a petition to bring back a Los
Angeles NFL team.
Mike: [Warren] No deceptions!
Tom: [David] Awww...

> Right now, we have about 2500 students at
>Lawndale High, and you're not well-known. Finding 250 people to sign
>your petition will be an uphill battle.

Tom: [David] I'll...
Mike: [Warren] No threats!
Tom: [David] Awww...

> Then you'll have to put up
>posters, engage in debates, make speeches, and so forth.

Crow: And if something takes a lot of work, it's not worth doing!

> Then, there's
>the elections, and if you're lucky, you might get a couple of votes."
>

Mike: All for an essentially figurehead position. It *is* like
American politics!
Tom: Yeah, about the same number of people know the issues
they're voting for...

>"What are you saying?," David said.
>

Crow: I don't see what the problem is. It's not like he'll
seem too sharp for the job.

>"I don't want to break your heart,"

Tom: [Daria] But it's what I do best.

> Daria said, " but Student
>Government elections are noting but popularity contests, just like the
>real-life political elections.

Mike: Which is why we always have such alluring, personable
candidates.
Crow: Yeah, like Mr. Excitement, Mushmouth, and The Big Spoiler.

> Do you notice they never focus on the
>real issues in these elections?

Crow: [Daria] Like the asbestos in the locker room that's
directly linked to Kevin's decreasing intelligence?

> They're going to want to choose
>someone like Sandi or Brittany rather than someone like yourself."
>

Mike: In other words, someone who bounces perkily.
Crow: This is obvious, but is mitigated by the fact that for
Student Government there really aren't many issues a
president can actually change. At least not unilaterally.

>"That just proves how unfair the system is to people like me," David
>shot back.

Tom: Elect the unpopular now!

> "If I'm elected,

Tom: ...which won't happen because the system is unfair to people
like you?
Crow: I'm lost. Maybe if you drew us a diagram?

> I'll change things for people like me. The
>reason why I'm over here is because I wanted to ask you to be my
>campaign manager."
>

Mike: [David] I don't care about finding someone who's more
credible for the job! I'll just pick the Misery Chick here!

>Daria sat there with her mouth open. Then her tongue stuck out in
>shock.
>

All: ACK-PHHHHHHHT!!!

>"Daria, that's a good impersonation of Michael Jordan you're doing
>there," Jake said.
>

Mike: Yeah, I can - the hey?!?
Tom: Well, I'm sure Air's stuck his tongue out. At some point.
I guess.

>"Jake, shut up!," said Helen.
>

Mike: Standard Jake reply in one... two... three...

>"Yes, dear," replied Jake meekly.
>

Tom: I don't get it.
Crow: Don't try. It hurts enough as it is.

>"David," Daria said as she regained her composure, "I don't really
>know you, and you're asking me to be your campaign manager?"
>

Crow: Well, she *is* cuter than James Carville.
Mike: Yeah, and he can tell Daria knows when to "go negative".
Tom: She runs someone's campaign! o/~ La la, LA-la la! o/~

>"Daria," David said, "you're the only one who can stand up to those
>bullies.

Crow: Then ask her to be a bodyguard! Sheesh...
Mike: Yes, your reward for saving him from persecution is exposing
both of you to even further harassment.

> You've just got to be my campaign manager, please?"
>

Mike: Oh, he's so adorable when he whines!


>"Daria," Helen said, "I think you owe it to him, since you did save
>him from those bullies."
>

Tom: Wait, if SHE saved DAVID, then doesn't HE owe HER?
Crow: [Daria] Mom, I'm not all that sure you really grasp the
concept of karmic balance.
Tom: But, but...
Mike: Tom, remember our little talk about fanfic logic last week?
Tom: "There is no place for logical thinking in fanfiction."
Yeah, I remember...

>"C'mon, Daria," Jake added, "it'll probably be a fun experience."
>

Tom: Just don't ask to see his cigar!

>"OK, OK," Daria finally relented, "I'll be David's campaign manager."
>

Crow: [Daria] And I'll do his Math homework as an added bonus, what
the hey...

>"Oh, thank you, Daria," David said, going up to her and giving her a
>big hug that shocked her.
>

Mike: Warning: Special Education students are more electrically
charged than they appear.

>"I can't breathe!," Daria gasped.
>

Crow: She's starting to look like one of those stress dolls.

>David recoiled and said, "OOPS! Sorry!"
>

Crow: [David] Geez, so I can't French kiss, I can't hug...
what CAN I do, then?

>"Anyway," Helen said, "here's my card." She gave her business card to
>Mr. MacAllister.

Tom: [Helen] You use it to get out of jail free instead of losing
a turn or having to roll a die.

> "Call me tomorrow and we'll discuss your case."
>

Tom: [Helen] You'll have to wait till afternoon - I've got
a 10 AM with Eminem's mother. Plus, I'm sure discussing
it here, while we're all together, is a bad idea.

>"We will," said Mr. MacAllister. He then turned to Daria and
>said ,"Young lady, you are doing a very brave and very noble thing
>here."
>

Crow: Being a campaign manager for an aspiring politician is
very brave and noble?

>"Then why do I have this creepy feeling that I will live to regret
>it?," Daria replied.
>

Tom: [Helen] You *always* have that feeling, dear.
Crow: [Daria] And I'm always right, aren't I?
Mike: She's probably just connecting with the audience.

>Mr. MacAllister responded, "Don't you doubt yourself. You will do
>well.

Tom: [Warren] I should know, I'm a political analyst for the
New York Times.

> Now, we'd better be going. It was nice meeting all of you."
>

Mike: Except Quinn, who thought he was Greek.
Crow: You mean a geek?
Mike: Uh, yeah.

>Everyone exchanged farewells.

Mike: I'll give two "goodbyes" for a "smell you later".
Crow: What about a "ciao" for a "catch you on the flipside"?

> The MacAllisters left the house. Quinn
>came back down.
>

Tom: [Quinn] Have Fran Drescher, Alex Karras and Kevin Mitnick
left, mommy?

>"You missed all the fun," Daria said to Quinn sarcastically.
>

Crow: I dunno. Sitting in a room by yourself is pretty fun...

>"What do you mean?," Quinn asked.
>

Mike: [Daria] We played Parcheesi and had hot toddies. It was a
blast.

>"I'm going to be David MacAllister's campaign manager for his run for
>Student Government President," replied Daria.
>

Crow: [Quinn] Suuure. And I'm the Secretary of Defense.

>"Lots of luck," sneered Quinn; "he's got as much chance at winning
>that like the U. S. Soccer Team has at winning the World Cup: None!"
>

Crow: I don't know, that Mia Hamm's pretty good.
Tom: But, but they DID win the World Cup!
Mike: Tom? Logic...
Tom: I know, I know...

>"Quinn, you know it was your admirers who beat up David. You let Jane,
>David and me take the rap for it. Aren't you ashamed of yourself?"
>

Tom: [Quinn] Huh? They were beating up someone? I was too busy
being admired by other admirers to notice.

>"Nope," shot back Quinn.

Mike: With so much shooting, you think they would conserve
ammunition and just pistol-whip their responses.

> "I'll be enjoying myself in study hall while
>you're in detention!" With that, she dashed back to her room.
>

Tom: She's categorizing her boy band CDs based on who's the cutest.
Crow: Yeesh... Quinn's not that bad in the actual show, is she?
Mike: No.

>"I think I'll watch 'Sick Sad World' and see people more depraved than
>Quinn,"

Crow: People more depraved than somebody enjoying herself in
study hall? They'd never get that on the air!

> Daria said to herself; "I need a good laugh."

Mike: As do we all.
Tom: Let's see if we can find one outside.
[Mike picks up Tom, and the trio exits the theater.]

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