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MiSTed: Out of the Woods (1/4)

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Bill Livingston

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Aug 19, 1995, 3:00:00 AM8/19/95
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Lavish Praise, Constructive Criticism, and offers to give me large amounts of cash and prizes may be directed to bi...@Traveller.COM
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Opening Theme, etc.
O <2> |3| {4} [5] (6)

[The entire interior of the SOL is covered with....KATHY IRELAND!!! There
are KI posters, KI calendars, KI Magazine Covers, even KI Cardboard stand-
ups from last year's beer campaign and her current exercise video. Mike
is busy stapling a poster from "Amore" onto the doors leading into the
theater, whistling "My Wild Irish Ireland". Crow and Tom Enter]
SERVO: No way! No way!
CROW: *Yes* way! I saw him do it!
SERVO: Crow, Superman can't really crush coal into diamonds! He'd ...uh -
CROW: Um, Mike?
MIKE: Hey guys!
CROW: Mike, what in the wide wide world of sports are you doing?
MIKE: Oh, I thought I'd just kind of brighten up the place a little, y'know? Make
it seem more like home.
CROW: If "home" is a college dorm room, yeah!
SERVO: What's with the Kathy Ireland thing?
MIKE: Well, ever since I saw her in that movie, I've been hooked. [puts arms
around shoulders of stand-ups] It's like she's opened a window on a whole
new world for me!
SERVO: He's in deep!
CROW: Ah, I hate to point this out, Mike, but she can't act.
MIKE: If I'd wanted acting, I'd've gone for Kathy Bates.
SERVO: Every time she opened her mouth, she emitted high-frequency sound waves that attracted chihuahuas *from* Chihuahua!
MIKE: Hey, she's had voice lessons since then!
SERVO: And look at this: "Necessary Roughness"? "Mom and Dad Save the World"? "Backfire"? *"Melrose Place"*? For crying out loud!!
MIKE: Someday Hollywood will recognize her for the talent she is! She's a licensed aerobics instructor now, y'know!
CROW: Mike, it's gotta go! I'm getting "Alien from LA" flashbacks just looking at her!
MIKE: Oh, come on, you guys! I've been up here 2 years now, & I'm going nuts! [Gypsy enters from behind Mike] I mean, Kathy Ireland is the best looking thing I've seen since I got here!
GYPSY: Oh, Mike!! How could you? [Goes off, sobbing]
CROW: Oh, *Good One*, Nelson!!
SERVO: Yeah, Smooth move, Mr. Sensitivity!
MIKE: Gypsy! [Commercial Sign starts flashing] We'll be right back! GYPSY!!

[Commercials 1) Another Marathon Sunday. Be still my heart!
2) Zima. Zzz-z-z-z-z-z-z-z!
3) Eagle Talon. Buy it and we'll get rid of Kinnear!]

[Back on the SOL, Mike is pushing the aerobics stand-up of KI out the airlock. Gypsy has her head down, sniffling]
MIKE: Okay, Gypsy, look, it's the very last Kathy Ireland piece up here, and it's gone. [Pushes it all the way out] See?
GYPSY: I'm still hurt!
MIKE: Well, what can I do to make it up?
SERVO: For starters, let us read your "Man of Steel" collection!
GYPSY: He was asking me.
SERVO: Yeah but you don't even like the Man of Steel.
CROW: I think he should buy us all ice creams. [Light starts flashing]
MIKE: Hang on, guys. Lex Luthor & Brainiac are calling.

[Deep 13]
DR.F: Well, hello, Melrose. Lover's spat, eh? Never touch the stuff, myself. I've sent you a little package over the Umbilicus for this week's experiment.

[SOL - Mike is opening a large package]
MIKE: What is it?

[D13]
DR.F: It's called "Improv", boobie.

[SOL - Mike and Crow are pulling articles of clothing from the box]
MIKE: Look at all this crap.
TOM: Those glasses must be 6 inches thick!
CROW: Hey, we've already done improv! Remember, we did that political
revue to save you two from your "dates", heh-heh!

[D13 - Dr.F is putting on a bald wig]
DR.F: This is competional improvisation, or "theatersports". I solicit suggestions from the audience, and you and your little cohorts act them out. The winner usually gets to read the credits in a style of my choosing, but since this is is evil improv, the winner gets to *die last*, hyuh-huh!

[SOL - Mike has several inches of padding and a fake beard, with a nametag
reading "MIKE". Crow has a turtleneck shirt and blazer, a pompadoured toupee and a tag reading "TONY". Servo has a pair of horn-rimmed glasses with a Hawaiian shirt and a tag reading "GREG". Gypsy has a tag reading "JOSIE" (crossed out), then "SANDI" (crossed out), then "WHOEVER"]
SERVO: I feel ridiculous
MIKE: Yeah, at least you don't look like Orson Welles on Grecian Formula

[D13 - Dr. F is wearing a nametag with "CLIVE" on it. Frank is seated in the back of several rows of chairs]
DR.F: Okay, our first game is "Film & Theatre Styles" - and note the ingenius way I worked that authentic British spelling in! Now, I need some suggestions from the audience. Hmmm! [Frank is waving his hand, but Dr F continues to search the "crowd". Finally] You sir?
FRANK: "Heaven's Gate"
DR.F: Uh, "Heaven's Gate", okay, another one? Ummmm - and, you sir?
FRANK: Ford Bebee
DR.F: Ah, right! Anyone else? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone? Oh, *all right*, Frank!!
FRANK: The Zapruder Film
DR.F: The Za - FRANK!!!

[SOL]
CROW: [to Mike] Weren't you in "Robin Hood"?
MIKE: Weren't you in "Peter's Friends"?
GYPSY: Oh, I liked both of those!
SERVO: [Bumping around semi-blindly] Excuse me, you - oh, sorry Gypsy.
Hey, you guys! What's our scene?

[D13 - Dr F has Frank pinned under a giant crayon]
DR.F: Your scene is "weirdness", proletarian pules! Your experiment today
is a little fanfic that combines two of the gooniest shows TV has offered in the last few years!
FRANK: [from below] "Punky Brewster" and "ALF"? OWIE!
DR.F: Quiet, Earl Warren! I'm talking about "Twin Peaks" and "The X-Files". What it may lack in out and out badness, it makes up for in sheer volume of strange-osity. And if you can't enjoy it, *improvise*. Send 'em the fanfic, Frank!
FRANK: What about the "Props" segment?
DR.F: I've got yer "Props" segment, right here! [Pummels Frank with crayon]
FRANK: *Owieowieowieowieowie* - say, isn't that one of the discontinued colors?
[They both examine it. Frank pushes the button]

[SOL - lights flash]
SERVO: Whose sign is this, anyway?
ALL: IT'S OURS!! WE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!

(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O

[Mike & the bots enter the theater. Mike pulls the glasses off Servo]
SERVO: Thanks! I couldn't see a thing!
MIKE: I'll hold them. You may want them back before this is over!

> From: ma...@uclink.berkeley.edu (Peggy Mei-Ling Li)

CROW: Wasn't there a song, "Mei-ling Li Ling Li Ling"?
MIKE: No, that was "My Ding-a-Ling-a-Ling".
CROW: What's that?
MIKE: Later.

> Newsgroups: alt.tv.twin-peaks

SERVO: Uh-oh, intense David Lynch area ahead!

> Subject: OUT OF THE WOODS (repost)

SERVO: It was so nice, they posted it twice.

> Date: 30 Mar 1995 05:35:45 GMT

CROW: Gee
MIKE: No, GMT

> Organization: University of California, Berkeley
> Lines: 1836

ALL: NYAAAHH!!

> Message-ID: <3ldfvh$2...@agate.berkeley.edu>
> NNTP-Posting-Host: uclink.berkeley.edu

SERVO: uclink?
CROW: Yes, I see link.
MIKE: May we have a link?

> X-Newsreader: TIN [version 1.2 PL2]

SERVO: Hey, an X-Newsreader, how appropriate!
MIKE: It's a swaggering, overbearing TIN-plated newsreader
with delusions of godhood!

> Status: N
>
>
>Nice to see new folks on the newsgroup! :)

SERVO: How do you pronounce :)
MIKE: Just like :( only backwards

>OUT OF THE WOODS

CROW: Not yet, we ain't!

>[Great Northern Hotel, Twin Peaks]

CROW: Home of the world famous Great Northern Bean eating contest.
SERVO: Boy that'd really stink up the mystical backwoods, wouldn't it?

> Sheriff Harry S. Truman

MIKE: Give 'em hell, Harry!

> limped stiffly down the hotel
>steps, his utter exhaustion blocking out most of the pain
>from his wounds.

CROW: Geez, these Tailhook things are gettin' out of hand.

> The dull ache from his leg was nothing
>compared to the ache within.

SERVO: Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside you.

> He walked past the patrol cars and their flashing
>lights, past the knot of people

SERVO: I didn't know people came in knots
CROW: Watch a Madonna video

> scurrying to organize
>themselves before the last of the daylight disappeared,

CROW: People, people, let's get this aerobics class going!
MIKE: Y'know Kathy Ireland's a licensed aerobics instructor now.
CROW: Let her go, Nelson, she's no good for you!

>until he found that he could walk no further. He found
>himself standing in front of the forest wall, the pack of
>trees forming a black, living barrier.

CROW: Boy, this is vicious territory. The people come in knots,
and the trees roam in packs!

> The last cold rays
>of sunshine struggled in vain to filter its way through the
>dense foliage as Truman felt his hair stir with a pine-
>scented breeze.

MIKE: New pine-scented Breeze: shampoo for the exceptionally weird!

> The sight of the swaying branches made his
>stomach churn and he sucked in a long cold breath

SERVO: [makes toking sound] Oh wow. man!

> to try and
>steady his insides, but without success.
> Truman, head bent and fists clenched,

SERVO: But with a song in his heart!

> unclenched the
>fists around his heart

CROW: Musta been to that bean eatin' contest!

> and let his emotion wash through him,

SERVO: Making his whites whiter and his brights brighter!

>great sobs shaking his large frame as he cried silently,
>without tears.

CROW: Uh, if he's silent, and there's no tears, does it really count as
crying?
MIKE: He's crying on the inside. It's a profound thing to do.
CROW: There's a fine line between "profound" and "goofy", Mike!

> He felt powerless and small compared to
>those trees.

CROW: Boy, talk about an inferiority complex!

> Each passing breeze seemed to carry bits of
>him away,

CROW: They ripped my leg off and threw it over there!
MIKE: That's you all over

> dissolving all his strength until he felt cold and
>empty and leeched.

SERVO: Sort of like the Democratic Party

> No matter where he turned, he could not escape from the
>forest.

MIKE: He couldn't escape the forest for the trees

> No matter how tired he was, or how far he walked,

CROW: He was still within sight of a "Gap" store

>he could not dismiss the wail of grief that still echoed in
>his ears and echoed, in his heart.

SERVO: Echoed in his heart?
MIKE: Must be a heart condition.
CROW: The one with Bob Hoskins?
MIKE: Oh, I hope not!

> His hands reached for his head

CROW: Oh, it's detachable, like Data's

> as Truman felt another
>wave of nausea.

SERVO: SURF'S UP, DUDES!!
CROW: WOOOOH!

> "Oh God," he murmured,

SERVO: And George Burns answered.
CROW: I thought he died
MIKE: God isn't dead.
CROW: Not God, George Burns.
MIKE: You've been reading alt.showbiz.gossip again.

> and his thoughts
>turned inexorably towards the young woman he had left just
>minutes earlier...

SERVO: Wrapped in plastic.
CROW: It's starnge to think Laura Palmer's murder was the
simple days on this show.

>
>
> Annie Blackburn had regained consciousness

SERVO: But not her dignity

> just seconds
>after the state troopers had driven him away.

CROW: Huh? Driven who away?
SERVO: Random Pronoun alert!

> Truman had
>rushed to her side in time to hear her first words since
>they brought her out of the Grove.

CROW: [singing] Come to the Florida Sunshine Tree...

> "Dale!

MIKE: Chip!

> Where's Dale? What's happened?"

SERVO: You're trapped in David Lynch's world!

> Her voice
>had sounded tremulous and weak, but instilled with a steely
>urgency.

SERVO: Hey, I've got all of Steely Urgency's albums
CROW: Yeah they rule! Heh! Heh heh!
SERVO: Huh Huh Huh!

> Truman had looked down upon her gentle face- the face
>that had worn a crown of jewels just hours before,

CROW: Her face was wearing a crown
MIKE: She must be physically dyslexic
SERVO: Is she also an agnostic insomniac?

> now
>crowned with a halo of dried blood

ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!

> - and his throat had
>tightened. Her normally large and luminous eyes were red
>and tired and locked onto his.

MIKE: Eyes locked on target and ready to fire!

> She then spoke with terrible calm, "He's been taken
>away?"

CROW: [singing] To the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time...

> "Yes," Truman had answered, "but he's not himself.

SERVO: He's Kate Smith

The
>best people are in on this, Annie, Cooper's going to be just
>fine..."

SERVO: Until he finds out he was in "The Flintstones"

> "No," Annie interrupted sharply, shaking her head,

CROW: And listening to the little paint ball inside rattle

>"Sheriff, it's not our Dale, is it? He's gone, isn't he?"

MIKE: You were listening, weren't you?
SERVO: I'm rambling, aren't I?
CROW: Nice day, isn't it?

> Truman couldn't bring himself to answer her; he wasn't
>sure if he knew the answer himself.

SERVO: Thank goodness it was an essay question

> He had placed a hand on
>her shoulder and had watched, speechless, as her eyes
>widened and her body tensed in despair- and fear.

CROW: Geez, these people all have sectionalized bodies!
SERVO: I wonder if they're Johnny LongTorso action figures?
MIKE: Huh?
SERVO: Later.

> "No! That wasn't Dale! He's not gone! The good Dale
>is trapped in the Red Room!

SERVO: Opening for Rich Little and Perry Como!

> He's not gone!" Annie then
>began to struggle against his touch and her arms had flailed
>wildly.

CROW: See? More body parts moving independently.

> Truman had had no choice when he nodded to Dr.
>Hayward to prepare a sedative. Tears had begun to flow
>uncontrollably down her face as she chanted,

ALL: Hare Hare, Hare Krishna, Hare Truman, Hare Hare!

> "He's here...
>Dale's been trapped, that wasn't him." Her eyes refocused
>for an instant and she had gripped Truman's hand,

MIKE: [flasetto] Does this come off?
CROW: Why not, everything else does.

> "Sheriff,
>you've got to find Dale, he isn't that man you took away.
>It looked like Dale but it wasn't him."

SERVO: It was Kathie Lee!

> Doc Hayward pressed the needle into the young woman's
>arm

MIKE: Oh, just like they did to Kathy Ireland.
SERVO: Geez, Mike, will you get over Kathy Ireland already?

and Truman had slowly released his grip to brush some
>hair from her eyes.

CROW: Just brush this back, and feather it a little, it'll look scrumptious!

> "Annie," he had managed to say at last, "everything's
>going to be okay. You'll see.

SERVO: [singing] The Sun'll come out - tomorrow!

> Cooper will come back to us.
>He's got to. I- I don't know how to find him myself.

MIKE: A divining rod, maybe?

> It's
>up to him now."
> Annie's sobs had become quieter, but she had turned her
>head away from him at his words.

CROW: [as Annie] You've got spinach in your teeth. Gross!

> A moment of silence

SERVO: Federally mandated

>had passed and then the room was filled with a wail that must
>have come from the depths of her soul.

CROW: So suddenly she's Enya?

> Truman's heart was
>chilled at the sound.
> "Oh God," she had moaned, shuddering violently as
>Truman watched helplessly, "Oh dear God! GOD!"

CROW: No, just George Burns again.
SERVO: Who isn't dead.
CROW: Yeah, but I think he's married to Keanu Reeves or David Geffen.
MIKE: Crow, maybe you should consider dumping that newsgroup.

> When the last of her cries had faded into drug-induced
>murmurs,

CROW: Now she's gone from Enya to Kurt Cobain.

> Truman had allowed himself to leave her side and
>stumble out of the hotel,

MIKE: It was 2-for-1 shooters night at TGI Fridays!

> blindly searching for a place
>where he could think clearly, alone.

CROW: Away from this posting

>
> ...So he found himself in front of the forest, alone,
>and it wasn't a comfort.

SERVO: I seek solace from the trees, but they don't listen

> He could not forget the sound of
>her voice- the sounds of her heart breaking.

CROW: Wasn't "Heartsounds" a movie too?
MIKE: Yeah, I think it had Andy Kaufman in it.
SERVO: Who *is* dead.
CROW: Unless he's hanging around with George Burns
MIKE: Sheesh!

Somehow she
>knew, as Truman did, that the Dale Cooper they loved was not
>the man they rescued at Glastonbury Grove.

SERVO: That man was Arthur, King of the Britons!

> Their Cooper
>was gone, dead to the world as they knew it, perhaps never
>to return.

CROW: Unless he knows George Burns.

> Truman ground his teeth in frustration;

SERVO: Soon they were a fine white powder.

>the only person who could get Coop back was Cooper.

MIKE: What's the matter, Coop, chicken?

> Truman knew
>he would have a hard time accepting these facts- but he also
>knew someone who would be having an even harder time than
>he.

SERVO: Pronoun overload in 10 seconds!

> Harry Truman eyed the woods warily, armed with a new
>knowledge and a new purpose,

CROW: Not to mention a really BIG gun

> and turned to walk back towards
>the Great Northern; back to Annie Blackburn.

SERVO: [singing] Back to Life, Back to Reality...

>
>[FBI Headquarters, Washington D.C. - five years later]

CROW: Suddenly, five years later

> Dana Scully finished putting together her report,

SERVO: Fabricating it from a tissue of lies

>tucking her copy into the filing cabinet and giving it a
>satisfied thump.

MIKE: Owww! I'll give you such a pinch!

> She and Mulder had been working intensely
>upon the Carter case

CROW: Must be getting uncomfortable up there, Ha Ha [trailing off
weakly] up there, heh, upon the case, ya see... and... yeah

> and, as in any kidnapping, there was no
>greater satisfaction for an agent

SERVO: Than Wrigley's pure chewing satisfaction!

> than the return of the
>victim alive and well with the incarceration of the perp.

CROW: Perp?
SERVO: Perp!
CROW & SERVO: [together] Perp! Perp! Perp! Perp! PerpPerpPerpPerp
PerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPerpPer....
MIKE: C'mon, knock it off, that's enough.

> Mulder ambled into the room and Scully flashed him

ALL: SAA-A-AY....

>a smile.

ALL: AWWWWW!!

> "Ready for more excitement, Scully?" Mulder asked with
>a grin.

SERVO: [as Patrick Stewart] Some Pontiac Grand Am excitement?

> Scully sat in her chair with a plop and leaned back
>with a small groan.

MIKE: Jenny Craig just ain't working

> "Hardly, Mulder. I think I won't mind for once just
>catching up on

MIKE: "Quantum Leap"?
CROW: The OJ trial?
SERVO: The latest in celebrity news and gossip on "E!", America's
Entertainment Television?

> paperwork for the next week, taking it easy."
> Mulder raised an eyebrow in frank disbelief

MIKE: [singing] Let me be Frank about Frank Disbelief

> and began
>rummaging through the piles of paperwork on his own desk.

CROW: Let's see, script, script, script, I know I had it this morning...
Ah, what the heck, I'll make something up.

>Taking on officious tones,

MIKE: Those are mighty, mighty bossy tones

> Mulder addressed Scully with
>feigned seriousness, "Special Agent Scully, I'm taking you

SERVO: With a grain of salt

>to that Italian place you like so much,

CROW: Italy

> where you don't have
>to wear heels and I don't have to wear a tie..."

MIKE: The set of "Exit to Eden"

>He couldn't keep a straight face,

SERVO: But this had not stopped him from leading a rich, fulfilling life...

> so he continued amiably,
>"...my treat, for a job well done. What-say you fellow agent?"

CROW: I say, "Sexual Harassment!"

> Scully let her astonishment and pleasure at this
>offering show on her face; she had never seen Mulder so
>relaxed before and it suited him. Suddenly,

SERVO: Last Summer

> she had a flash
>of suspicion and shot him a glare,

CROW: THE GLARE! MY EYES! AEIIIEYAH!!!!

> "Only if you promise not
>to do that scene from "Alien" over the spaghetti!"

CROW: She doesn't want him to strip to his underwear and drape
a cat around his shoulders?
SERVO: No I think she doesn't want him to take a knife and try that
finger trick.

> "Can I sing 'That's Amoré?'", Mulder drawled with a
>wicked look of his own.

MIKE: "Amore'"? Hey, that's a movie with...
SERVO & CROW: NO!!!

> Scully smiled slyly at him and
>approached his desk slowly,

CROW: Oh yess-s-s-s.

> stopping in front of him

CROW: Yes, oh yes!

> to
>thrust

CROW: C'mon, yes, YES!

> a sheet of paper under his nose.

CROW: AAAAAAAAA-A-A-A-AGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
MIKE: Crow, what is it with you?

> "Fax came for you while you were away..." she eyed him
>teasingly as she turned away,

CROW: [Crying] Oh sure, taunt him, that's all you ever do, ah-huh! ah-huh!
SERVO: Geez, Crow, get ahold of yourself.
CROW: I can't help it, I just love Ellen Barkin so much ah-huh! ah-huh!
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: [more sobbing]
MIKE: Crow...
CROW: [still more sobbing]
MIKE: *CROW!* That's not Ellen Barkin, that's Gillian Anderson!
CROW: [stops crying] Huh? Oh, well, the heck with her then!
MIKE: I don't want to hear *another word* about Kathy Ireland!

> "...and I can't wait to hear
>you sing."

SERVO: [as announcer] On "SOUNDS OF THE '70'S" from K-Tel!!

> Mulder mouthed some silent ha ha's

CROW: Eyw, he's getting them all slobbery and stuff!

sarcastically
>at Scully as she returned to her desk, then turned his
>attention to the fax she had handed him.

CROW: Let's see, "Make Money Fast! Completely Legal!" What the hey?

> Scully, noting the sudden silence, looked up to see
>Mulder's face lose any of its previous joviality and a deep
>frown form upon his brow.

MIKE: Yep, he got spammed alright!

> "What is it?" she asked, a
>sudden knot of dread driving any feeling of relaxation from
>her body.

SERVO: She knew that spam had been meant for her!

> "Mulder, " she nodded fractionally at the fax
>now dangling from Mulder's hand, "who's Bob?"

CROW: Newhart?
SERVO: Dole?
MIKE: Villa?

> Mulder's fist clenched the fax

CROW: Boy, this post is a fist-clencher's dream!

> and he looked up at
>Scully with his hazel eyes burning a hatred she almost
>flinched away from.

MIKE: You ate all the Hagen Dazs!

> "You don't want to know," he replied
>darkly.

MIKE: Well, why did she ask, then?

>
> Scully hurried after Mulder down the hallway.

CROW: [as Scully] Where we goin'? Huh? Where we goin'?

> "So much
>for our relaxing week of paperwork, " she quipped, trying to
>get some reaction from Mulder.

SERVO: So he just shot her dead and kept going.

> Mulder remained silent as he
>turned into the office of Ronald Trent,

CROW: He turned himself into an office? Neat trick!

> Regional ASAC,
>Violent Crimes Division.

SERVO: Police Squad! A division of the Police Force

> Mulder brushed by the secretary

CROW: When did he get brushed by the secretary?
MIKE: I think it's a direct verb/object relationship, not an
adjectival phrase

>and walked into the inner office, Scully giving the startled
>woman a helpless shrug as she followed him in.

SERVO: "He's psychopathic, he's got an Uzi, what could I do?"

> "Mulder!" Ronald Trent was startled, but not angry;

CROW: Soft, but not mushy
SERVO: Strict, but not cruel
MIKE: Indicted, but not convicted

>Scully wondered how the two men knew each other, as Mulder
>had never mentioned him before.

SERVO: Still, the trips to Jamaica and all the letters addressed to
"Ronnie The Love Diesel" had made her suspicious

> Trent was a large man with
>peppered hair and round spectacles.

MIKE: Sure beats round hair and peppered spectacles.

> Grisly photos adorned
>the walls of his office

CROW: Teddies!

> and were scattered amongst piles of
>evidence bags atop his broad desk.
> "Take a look at this, "

SERVO: I think it's infected!

> Mulder shoved the fax in front
>of Trent without preamble.

CROW: Isn't that unconstitutional?

> Trent read it, the smile fading
>from his lips, his face growing visibly paler.

SERVO: He knew their love was dying.

> He looked up
>at Mulder, his attitude decidedly grim. He tried again to smile,

MIKE: And failed miserably

> "Mulder, this is what it takes to prompt you to come
>and visit me? I thought we were better friends than that."

CROW: You don't call, you don't write...
SERVO: [singing] You don't bring me flowers....

> Mulder shrugged and put his hands on Trent's desk.

CROW: Hey, these people are sectionalized, too!

>"I don't recall you ever making a trip downstairs to see me,
>Trent. But we don't have time to reminisce. Where's Gordon
>Cole?"

MIKE: Living life in the slaw lane?
SERVO: DOH!

> "He can't help you." Trent replied, "he's an attaché
>in Europe."

SERVO: Wow! He's deep cover as a piece of luggage!

> "Gordon Cole?" Both men turned

CROW: Honey, I'm gonna have to throw out the FBI guys,
they're stinkin' up the fridge!

> and finally
>acknowledged Scully's presence. She put her hands on her
>hips. "Mulder, what's this all about?"

MIKE: I'd say about 36 inches.

> Mulder looked a bit sheepish,

CROW: He's been baa-a-a-ad!

> "Dana Scully, my esteemed
>colleague,"

SERVO: And boy is she esteemed right now!

> Mulder grabbed her elbow and drew her forward.
>"Ronald Trent, an old supervisor of mine from my days at the
>BS Unit."

MIKE: Stay calm. Don't even go for it.
SERVO: Aw c'mon Mike, it's so easy!
CROW: Yeah, it's practically standin' on its hind legs and begging!
MIKE: It's beneath you.
CROW: Yeah, that's where you usually find it.

> Trent reached out to shake Scully's hand. "An old
>friend as well. I've heard a lot about you, Agent.

SERVO: Mostly on the men's room walls.

> They say
>you're very good...." Scully opened her mouth to

MIKE: [as Bela] Drink his blood,

> thank him,
>"...unless you're around Mulder," he finished with a grin.
>Scully let her mouth close

CROW: And secured it for the evening

> and simply glared at the two.

SERVO: WE ARE THE TWO
CROW: Two who?
MIKE: The Two Jakes?

>"What is going on here?" She snagged the fax off the desk.
>"Who is this Bob character?"

CROW: Barker?
SERVO: Saget?
MIKE: Roberts?

> Ignoring her questions, Mulder
>turned again to Trent.

SERVO: [singing] To Trent again, turn, turn, turn...

> "Ronald, I've got to go see him."

MIKE: Do you have a reservation? No? Wait in the bar, Wait in the bar.

> Trent licked his lips and asked nervously, "Cooper?" as
>though he already knew the answer.

CROW: No, I've never made a barrel in my life

> Mulder nodded his head fractionally. "He's the key."

SERVO: I am the lock.
MIKE: Stop, you're giving me night chills.

> Trent sighed and took the crumpled fax from Dana's
>hand.

MIKE: She didn't know her own strength when she tried to program it.

> His voice became authoritative, "Check it out,
>Mulder.

CROW: Check it out, man, watch close, find the red queen!

> Take a Bubird.

SERVO: Of happiness.

> I'll see what I can find out here.
>Nice meeting you, Agent Scully." Mulder nodded and turned
>to leave, scooping up a still-confused Scully by the elbow.

CROW: There's two scoops of Scully in every box of X-Files Bran

>"...and Mulder," Mulder paused to look back at Trent. He
>looked at them both with weary eyes.

CROW: Now wait a minute, is this Mulder or Trent looking here?
MIKE: Yes
CROW: Thanks a lot!

"...good to see you
>again. Be careful you two, and good luck."
> Mulder smiled with genuine affection at the older man,

SERVO: Then threw himself in his arms

>"Thanks. See you later, Trent."

CROW: Not if you go blind!

>
> Scully watched Mulder digging out files and photos from
>his desk, her arms folded in annoyance.

CROW: And tucked under the bed for safekeeping

> Mulder had never
>left her out of the loop for this long before.

SERVO: How'd they get to Chicago so quick?

> She hadn't
>seen him this upset over a simple note

SERVO: G Sharp
MIKE: B Natural
SERVO & CROW: AUGH!!

> since that case with
>John Barnett.

CROW: Case of what?
MIKE: Zima
CROW: Oh! Zomething different.
MIKE: Not to mention a zponser.

> Then again, that case had not been simple at
>all.

CROW: It was a dodecahedron

> Frowning, she thought for the hundredth time what she
>had read on the fax, but still couldn't place any
>significance upon it.

CROW: Was it just me, or was that an incredibly awkward sentence?
SERVO: It was sort of like hexagonal tires; it gets you there, but MAN!
is it a rough ride!

> It had read:

MIKE: "From the President of the United States: GREETINGS"

> The owl has flown the Coop. Are you ready to play with
>fire, little man?

SERVO: Well, that certainly advanced the plot nicely.
CROW: Yeah, now what the heck did it mean?
MIKE: Maybe it's symbolic
SERVO: That'd even make William Burroughs go, "Huh?"

> BOB
CROW: Dylan?
SERVO: The Galactic Bum?
MIKE: Guccione?

> While strange, Scully hadn't attached much significance
>to it.

SERVO: What about while she wasn't strange?

> Because it had come over Mulder's departmental line,

MIKE: The X-Department: Big, Tall, and Inexplicable Men's clothing

>Scully had chalked it up as being some sort of practical
>joke;

SERVO: A squirting fax!

> she had seen plenty aimed in Mulder's direction in
>the past, more than Mulder would ever know. Their attempt
>to trace this fax, however,

CROW: Say, isn't there a guy named Trace that...
SERVO: [whispering] Careful

> revealed that it had not been
>sent from within the department; in fact, there was no
>record of a fax being sent to Mulder at all.

CROW: He received a fax no one sent him?
SERVO: Definitely the government at work, here.

> Mulder
>startled Scully out of her thoughts by handing her

SERVO: A line

>a stack of files. "Read these."

CROW: And summarize them for extra credit.

> Scully nearly dropped the slippery pile.

ALL: EEEEWWWWW!!

>"Mulder, where are we going?"

MIKE: Questions, questions, questions! Will you get off my back?

> Mulder began loading his briefcase.

CROW: I thought those were outlawed
MIKE: Only the semi-automatic assault briefcases.

> "To visit another
>old friend of mine.

SERVO: Death

> At Raven Hill."
> Scully swallowed her surprise.

CROW: Mmmm! Wild Cherry!

> "Raven Hill? The
>maximum security federal correctional facility? You have
>nice friends, Mulder."

CROW: Oh, honey, let's have the Dahmers over for dinner.
MIKE: Yes, let's invite that nice Dr. Lector, too, and have a party
SERVO: Yeah, but no covered dish surprise this time!

> Mulder didn't reply, but shut his briefcase with a
>snap.

CROW: Your mama's so fat, she 's got her own gravity field!
SERVO: Well, your mama's so ugly, she could stop a calendar!

> His face was hooded

MIKE: A homeboy!

> as he moved to place a
>steadying hand on top of the files Scully was holding. "You'll
>understand more if you read these files.

CROW: I wish I understood more of this

> I've got to make

SERVO: A name for myself

>some phone calls then we'll get ready to go."
> Scully sighed heavily, watching Mulder hurry out of the
>office. Time again for a leap of faith...she bit her lip.

SERVO: What, she didn't believe her lip could be bitten?
CROW: I bet she had to take it off to bite it!

>One of these days, Mulder...

MIKE: Pow! Right in the kisser!

> she let her thought diminish

SERVO: My thought has been diminishing since we started reading this!

>as she grabbed her coat and turned out the lights to follow.
SERVO: Okay, the lights were going to follow, but they couldn't until
they had been turned out?
CROW: No, she was going to follow the lights once they were, uh...
MIKE: The sentence structure is not what it seems. C'mon let's get
out of here.

(6) [5] {4} |3| <2> O

[Mike is standing next to a chart with two mountains on it. One mountain
has a picture of Kyle Maclachlan, the other a picture Michael Ontkean]

CROW: Okay, explain how "X-Files" is different from "Twin Peaks".
MIKE: Well, after they canceled "Peaks", it was abandoned by David Lynch,
except for "Fire Walk With Me".
SERVO: That wasn't just abandonment, Mike, it was endangerment!
MIKE: Okay, true. But in any case, the "Peaks" concept was picked up
by Chris Carter, who knew the show couldn't survive on its own.
SERVO: How come?
MIKE: Because it tried to be quirky and scary at the same time.
CROW: Oh, I get it! You could either weird people out, or charm them with
small-town eccentricities, but not both!
MIKE: Pretty much, so Carter decided to separate the two elements. He sold
one to Fox, and called it "X-Files" [flips over the mountain with Kyle's picture to reveal photos of Gillian Anderson and David Duchovny]
SERVO: Yeah, I see! It retained not only the weird stuff, but the FBI agent as the main character!
MIKE: Right, except it split him in 2 so there'd be something to play off of. The quirky, small town element [Mike flips over the other mountain to reveal a picture of Tom Skerritt] David Kelly took to CBS, packaged as "Picket Fences".
CROW: Yeah, yeah! And it had the Sheriff and all the other stuff!
MIKE: Right. So Carter and Kelly were able to take one low-rated and vaguely inventive and/or wildly disjointed show, and squeeze two slightly higher-rated, slightly less innovative, yet slightly more comprehensible programs out of it.
SERVO: Wait, wait, what about that creepy music on "Peaks", what happened to it?
MIKE: Oh, it's being developed into a new show for cable: "MTV Unnerved".
[Commercial Sign Flashes] We'll be right back.

[ Commercials: 1) "Exit 57" Hello? Anybody? Anyone at all?
2) Latest Flop Movie starring SNL Cast member desperate for
a ticket out of there!
3) Guy trying to shove a buck into a Pepsi machine!]

Bill L.
The truth is out there
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Now in 2 delicious flavors:
Original minty (bill.li...@msfc.nasa.gov)
and new crisipity crunchity! (bi...@Traveller.COM)


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