MSTed: How to Pick Up Young and/or Topless Women (1/3)

[Mighty Jack]

WARNING: This MSTing contains situations that are of more of an "adult"
nature than your usual MST3K episode. I don't think that it's
any worse than your average PG-13 rated movie, but just to be
safe you should check with your parents, your religious leaders
or whoever else decides what you're allowed to read before you
continue. Also, one MSTer tried to read this MSTing but
couldn't finish it because the ads that got the MSTing
treatment were too "repugnant". You have been warned.

"25 Opening Lines To Use On Topless Dancers",
"How To Pick Up Hot & Sexy Topless Dancers", and
"How To Date Young Women... For Men Over 35" were MSTed by:

Mighty Jack (mity...@bluemoon.net) and Catherine Johnson (TCur...@aol.com)

[Season Eight opening theme and credits]

[..1..]
[..2..]
[..3..]
[..4..]
[..5..]
[..6..]

[SOL]

[Crow is alone at his usual place, clearly excited about something he has
just read in the magazine on the control panel in front of him.]

CROW: Mike! Hey Mike! Come here, quick!

[Mike comes running in from stage right with Tom Servo following along
behind him.]

MIKE: What? What is it, Crow?

CROW: Well, I found this magazine in the load pan bay, and just look at this
ad, Mike! It says here that you can call one of their psychics and
get a ten minute reading for *free*!

TOM SERVO: Come on, Crow, don't you know that those psychics are all fakes?

CROW: Not true, Tommy! Just check out these real, honest-to-God, unpaid
testimonials! Says here that this girl called for her free reading,
and it was amazing how much the psychic knew! She knew right away
that this girl really wanted to win the lottery, that she likes to
sleep about eight hours every night, that she usually votes either
Democratic or Republican, and that she *hates* to wait on line at
the DMV!

MIKE: Well... I still don't know...

CROW: And this other guy said that he doesn't get out much, but calling
one of their psychics was the most exciting thing he's ever done!
And it's *free*, Mike! How can you go wrong with that? Come on,
let's give them a call! I want to find out what the future holds
for my love life!

MIKE: Well, okay, I guess we could give it a try... wait a minute. You
have a love life?

CROW: Mike, you wouldn't understand. Just call! It says right here that
you can call them with any World War II style portable phone that
you might have lying around.

MIKE: Okay, let me look... [peers under the control panel] Yup, still
got it right here... [Mike lifts the WWII phone onto the control
panel, picks up the receiver, looks at the magazine and starts
dialing. The phone rings twice and then someone who sounds a lot
like Paul Chaplin answers it.]

VOICE: Hello? Who is this?

MIKE: Hi, this is Mike Nelson, and I was wondering if you could tell me
about my future.

VOICE [screaming]: THERE IS NO FUTURE!!! [Mike winces and holds the phone
away from his ear.] And do you know why?! Because
any minute now, someone's gonna push that button,
baby, and then those nukes are gonna take us right
into a radioactive Stone Age!!! And that's if those
black helicopters and UFOs don't get us first! You
wanna know what the future holds?! DEATH! DEATH!
PLAGUES! FAMINE! SPATULAS! MEATHOOKS! WITH A SIDE
ORDER OF BACON AND A PLATEFUL OF GARDEN SOD!
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

[Click. Dial tone.]

CROW: Well *that* was an odd fortune....

MIKE: No kidding. I didn't even get my full ten minutes! Maybe I should
call back and complain... [looks at the magazine] Oh! *That*
explains a lot. I was looking at the wrong ad! I was calling the
PSYCHOTIC Friends Network!

TOM SERVO: Well, no wonder!

[The commercial sign light starts flashing.]

MIKE: Well, let's go to commercial sign and see if we can get some of
the folks at home to call their own psychic while I try again....

[Mike hits the commercial sign button.]

[Commercials. Just before coming back to the show we see an ad for...
what else? A phone psychic.]

[SOL]

[Mike is leaning on the control panel, looking towards stage left with
the phone to his ear. Crow and Tom are looking at Mike.]

MIKE: Hello, my name is...

[A female voice with a southern accent interrupts on the phone.]

VOICE: Your name is Michael J. Nelson, and you are imprisoned on a ship
called the Satellite of Love with your plucky little robot friends
Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo. You are being pursued by an obsessive
woman named Pearl Forrester who drives a Volkswagen van through
space with a hairy, smelly ape and a mysterious, all-powerful
being to assist her. She tortures you with horrible movies and
Usenet posts in an effort to break your will and control your
mind. Oh, and the number you're thinking about is twelve.

MIKE [flabbergasted]: Wow. That's amazing! How the heck did you know
all that?

[The Mads light starts blinking. Mike reaches out and hits it.]

[Pearl Forrester's van]

[Closeup on Observer, sitting in the back of the van. He's talking on a
cellular phone.]

OBSERVER [Southern female voice]: Well, I'm a psychic, Michael. It's my
job to know about these things, and...

[Observer suddenly notices the camera and quickly ducks down low, mostly
out of view. The camera pulls back to show Pearl Forrester in the
driver's seat and Bobo in the passenger seat.]

PEARL: Hi guys. I can see you're on the phone, so I'll try to make this
short. Ever wonder how we can pull up all those Usenet posts from
over 500 years ago so easily? Well, it turns out that my Clayton
was archiving the entire Usenet before he met his tragic end.
"You never know when one of these posts will come in handy," he'd
say as he'd rub his hands and chuckle in that charmingly evil way
he had. And that filled up one heck of a lot of Zip disks, let me
tell you! More than I could *ever* fit into the back of this van,
in fact. But, fortunately, I found a way around that little
problem....

[Bobo turns around and grabs the cell phone while Observer is still
talking.]

BOBO: Let me try talking to them!

[Observer wrenches the phone out of Bobo's grasp and keeps talking. Bobo
turns back to face the camera and sulks.]

[SOL]

[Mike is still on the phone, still not looking towards Cambot while Crow
and Tom look on.]

MIKE: [to the robots] I think we got disconnected, I'm hearing some
weird noises... [to the phone] You're back? Oh good. So you're
saying that we haven't got a chance of holding out against Pearl
and her experiments and we'd better just give up and kneel before
her while she still might show us mercy? Hmm... I don't know if I
like the sound of that. But you've been right about everything else
so far....

[Pearl's van]

PEARL: So, anyway, it's *amazing* how far miniaturization has gone
in 500 or some odd years. And now everything that was on all
those thousands of Zip disks can fit on just one tape! [Pearl
holds up an 8 track cassette tape with the label "Usenet Posts"
written on it in magic marker.] See? Isn't this great? Now I
can use this 8 track player for more than just listening to my
old KISS tapes! And just to show you how well it works, I'm
going to send you a little triple feature of Internet ads that
helped make me into the man-hating witch that I am today. Enjoy!

[As Pearl pops the cassette into her 8 track player, Bobo turns around and
taps Observer on the shoulder opposite from the cell phone. As Observer
looks in that direction, Bobo snatches the phone away from Observer, turns
back around in his seat and starts talking on the phone.]

[SOL]

MIKE [disbelieving]: What was that? "You are a hairless ape who doesn't
get enough bananas and termites in your diet and you
must stop rejecting the authority of the Lawgiver"?
Wait a minute...

[Everyone finally looks towards Cambot and sees who they're talking to.]

ALL: BOBO?!?

[Lights flash, buzzers buzz and pandemonium erupts]

MIKE: Come on, guys! We got spam sign!

TOM SERVO [singing]: Spam spam spam spam, spam spam spam spam...

[..6..]
[..5..]
[..4..]
[..3..]
[..2..]
[..1..]

[Theater]

[Mike arrives carrying Tom as Crow follows along]

MIKE: Geez... scammed by a phone psychic!
CROW: Who'd've thought?

[Everyone sits down]

>Path: acsu.buffalo.edu!ub!csn!nntp-xfer-1.csn.net!imci3!newsfeed.
> internetmci.com!in2.uu.net!zdc!zdc-e!szdc-e!news
>From: gem...@brokersys.com (gemini)
>Newsgroups: alt.binaries.pictures.erotica
>Subject: 25 Opening Lines to Use on Topless Dancers
>Date: Wed, 05 Jun 1996 04:39:58 GMT
>Organization: Zippo

CROW: Wow, those lighter guys are really branching out, aren't they?

>Lines: 76
>Message-ID: <31b50f8a...@news.brokersys.com>
>
>I'm not sure if this group would be interested,

MIKE: Would it make a difference if we said no?

but I would like to
>share some valuable information on 25 opening lines to use on topless
>dancers:
>
>25 Opening Lines to Use on Topless Dancers

TOM SERVO: So... how may opening lines was that again?

>1. "What is your real name?"

CROW [as dancer]: Steve.

> (if she tells you her real name instead
>of her stage name, this could indicate that she's interested in you).

MIKE [as loser]: You wouldn't lie to me and give me another phony name,
would you?

>2. "Where are you from?"

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: My mother.
CROW [as loser]: Do they all have such big gazongas out there?

>3. Do you have a boyfriend...How long have you been seeing each
>other?"

MIKE [as dancer]: Yes, I do... he's the big guy over there who's coming
over to kick your ass.

>4. "Don't you get tired of all these horny men with their brain
>between their legs?"

CROW [as dancer]: Yeah... so leave me alone!

>5. "You have such a beautiful body,

MIKE [as John Cleese]: If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you
hold it against me? I am no longer infected!

> where do you work out at?"

TOM SERVO [as loser]: And is it okay if I stalk you there?

>6. "What do you plan on doing when you get off work tonight?

MIKE [as dancer]: Getting as far away from you as possible.

>7. "How long have you been dancing?"

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: About 20 minutes. Oh, you mean ALL together...

>8. "Have you got any children?

MIKE [as loser]: And do they know how hot their mommy is?

How old are they?"

CROW [as loser]: 38 and 40?! Wow, you really *do* take care of yourself!

>9. "What made you decide to get into dancing?"

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: My pimp.

>10. "What part of town do you live in?"

MIKE [as dancer]: As far away from you as possible.

>11. "Are you attracted to other women?" This can help you determine if
>she is a lesbian and if she is, you will be wasting your time trying
>to score with her.

TOM SERVO: Actually, she would probably say it just to get you to leave her
alone.
CROW [as loser]: You are, huh? Well, could you bring your friends along?
Okay, how about I just watch?

>12. "How long do you plan on working as a topless dancer?"

MIKE [as dancer]: I don't know. How long do you plan on being a nosy
little creep?

>13. "How did you get such a nice tan?"

TOM SERVO [as loser]: I see you're not showing any tan lines....

>14. "When do you work?"

CROW [as dancer]: Ummm... now? Duh.

>15. "You are so beautiful, I couldn't help but notice you,

MIKE [as loser]: Seeing as how you're dancing right in front of me, and
all...

> you look so
>nice, my name is..."

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Do you know how many times I've heard that line
before?!

>16. "Where to you like to go party?"

CROW [as dancer]: English isn't your first language, is it?

>17. "Would you like to go party with me when you get off?"

MIKE [as dancer]: No.
CROW [as dancer]: And not after _you_ get off, either!

>18. "What do you like to do on your days off?"

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Kill sleazy guys who ask me stupid questions while
I'm trying to work.
MIKE: Feeling a little dark, Tom?
TOM SERVO: This post is really getting to me.

>19. "How do you keep your body in such good shape?"

CROW [as dancer]: From fending off losers all night. Here, let me show
you....
MIKE [as dancer]: I dance 8 hours a night, you idiot!

>20. "What time do you get off work?"

TOM SERVO [as loser]: And what time do you think *I'll* be getting off, if
you know what I mean?

>21. "What do your parents think about you dancing?"

CROW [as dancer]: They're both DEAD, you bastard! Thanks for reminding me!

> If either parent
>is against her dancing be sure and take sides with her and defend her
>occupation as a dancer.

MIKE [as loser]: They disinherited you, huh? That's too bad. Still, at
least you got a great career out of the deal, huh?

>22. "What kind of man turns you on?"

TOM SERVO [as dancer]: Someone who's very not you.

>23. "Do you ever get burnt out on dancing?"

CROW [as dancer]: Actually, just hearing all these stupid questions makes
me want to quit the business....

>24. "Do you have any hobbies?"

MIKE: Are you known for your work in the theater?

>25. "Do you do any modeling?"

CROW [as dancer]: Sure, I love putting together little airplanes, cars,
ships...

>This article is an excerpt from my new book, "How to Pick Up Topless
>Dancers." If you would like to receive some more tips that are
>guaranteed to have you meeting, attracting, and seducing hot & sexy
>topless dancers, just send any message to: top...@uni.com

TOM SERVO: I've got a message for them, but we'd lose our PG rating
if I said it.

>========================================================
>>>>>>Gemini Publishing Co. - In Business Since 1978<<<<<
>Book, Cassettes, and Videos on how to meet, attract, and
>seduce women. Send your e-mail to: gem...@brokersys.com
>to receive our free catalog (over 40 products) by e-mail.
>========================================================

MIKE: Ironically, Geminis are supposed to be great at communication...
CROW: [snort] Yeah, right!
MIKE: ... but they're also considered very superficial.
TOM SERVO: Now *that* fits perfectly.

[Commercials.]

[Continued in Part Two]

[creepygirl]

Not since "Catching Trouble" has there been such a repugnant piece of
trash begging to be skewered. The only thing that kept me from turning
off my computer in disgust was the knowledge there was a wisecrack to
answer every pitiful, misogynistic, idiotic statement. Great job.

-cg, OTOH, the thought of Pearl dancing topless for Bobo is an image that
will haunt my nightmares, you bastards!:)

"We keep fake I.D.'s. Merry Christmas"
--DJ's Liquor Store sign
creepygirl@.asu.edu

[JimL2]

I figure that if they're currently topless, it shouldn't be very hard to pick
them up....

Jim "Weighty subject. HA! get it? wieghty cause it's to pick em up and.. oh,
forget it." Lauwers