MiSTed - "Something in Red" (1/1)
Bill Livingston
a very distressed raincoat and puffing on an obviously fake cigar.
Crow looks on haplessly.]
MIKE: [Using a very gravelly voice] Ok. Ok. I guess that's it.
CROW: I hope so.
MIKE: Oh, uh, just - just one more thing, Mr. Crow...
CROW: Geez, Mike, it's been "one more thing" now for a fricking
hour! Can't you just admit this isn't working and move on?
MIKE: Hmmm. Yeah, yeah I guess I could.
CROW: [muttering] Finally...
MIKE: Oh, but before I go...
CROW: [inexpressible and unlikely sound in humans]
[Tom enters (and none too soon for Crow's taste)]
TOM: Hey guys.
MIKE: Ah, Mr. Servo, howareya?
TOM: Tha hell...?
CROW: He's lost it again.
TOM: [Dryly] Really? I couldn't tell.
MIKE: [putting an arm around Tom's, er, shoulders] Listen, I know
this is probably a long shot, but I'm looking for the pod,
and my gut tells me that maybe - just maybe - you know
something that might help. Ya know?
TOM: [disengaging himself] Actually, no I don't.
MIKE: Hmm. Okay then. [starts to go] Oh, uh, just one more
thing...
TOM: Mike, later, OK.
MIKE: Awright, awright. Hmm, time for a somthin' else. [leaves]
TOM: OK Crow, you wanna tell me what the deal is here?
CROW: Well, Mike's got it in his head that there's another escape
pod hidden here somewhere, and...
TOM: Wait, he knows Joel took one and we crashed the other two
playing space games, right?
CROW: Yeah.
TOM: So why does he think there's one more Deus Ex Machina just
laying around?
CROW: Probably because I told him that there's another escape
pod hidden here somewhere.
[Pause]
TOM: Okay. Why would you...
CROW: I was bored and it was something to do, okay? Don't judge
my recreational activities!
TOM: *sigh* I like yanking Nelson's chains as much as the next
bot, but how did that lead to this?
CROW: Well he looked all over and couldn't find it, so Mike had
an idea.
TOM: Oh Lord!
CROW: Yeah, he figured if he could emulate some big time TV
detectives, he's be able to figure out where it was.
TOM: You *did* try to explain that you were only kidding, right?
CROW: Ah, it was too late for that. He spent an hour sucking on
lollipops like Kojak, then he Joe Friday deadpanned for a
while. And you don't want to know what happened while he
was being Mr. Monk!
TOM: Well, we gotta let it run its course, I guess. [lights
flash] Uh, we got a caller on line 2, looks like.
CROW: OK. [Beaks the button]
[CASTLE FORRESTER - Pearl & minions. Pearl looks miffed {so
what else is new?)]
PEARL: Listen, you perps, in the Pearl Injustice system, the
only authority is represented by *me*, who irritates you
guys, and *me*, who persecutes you mercilessly. This is
*my* story!
BOBO: *ching-ching*
PEARL: [glances at Bobo in irritation] Anyway, the reason I'm
calling you chuckleheads is that I've got a brand new
piece of pain I'm ready to drop on you!
BOBO: *ching-ching*
PEARL: [another irritated look] I've got the latest in a long
line of fiction from your greatest living arch-nemesis!
This is...
BOBO: *ching-ching*
PEARL: Bobo, go take care of that - it's getting on my last
nerve fiber!
BOBO: *ching-ching* [walks off]
PEARL: How the hell did he manage to swallow two hundred
frigging dollars in pennies anyway?
OBSERVER: I believe there was a serious amount of practice
involved. I try not to dwell on it.
PEARL: Yeah, good plan. Anyway, you're - hey, where's the
meatpuppet? I don't wanna have to go through this twice.
[SOL]
TOM: He's around here somewhere. Crow was messing with him and
it's made him a little loopy.
CROW: So judgmental. Why don't we...
[Suddenly, Mike bounds in, knocking Crow to the ground and off
screen. He's dressed in a dark business suit with wide lapels,
sporting sunglasses, and carrying a Super-Soaker pistol]
MIKE: MMMMMMMMMMMANNIX!
CROW: WAAAAAAAAH!!!
MIKE: Look, Lew, we gotta talk. I need to know about the -
TOM: Okay, Mike, this is a little more surreality than I wanted
today. Just pay attention to Pearl and prepare yourself.
MIKE: [peering at the Pearl] Peggy?
[CF]
PEARL: No, not Peggy you simp! It's me, Pearl Forrester, your
local tyrant.
OBSERVER: Pearl, the story?
PEARL: Oh! Oh yeah. Here's the skinny - Ratliff's written yet
another Marrissa story. It involves Country Music. Brainiac,
send the whatsit.
OBSERVER: Very well. [he does the doodlydoodly thing with his MIND!]
PEARL: There. Read it and go deaf.
[SOL]
MIKE: [back in regular clothes, looking dejected] So there's really
no other escape pods left?
TOM: Sorry Mike, they're all either used or wrecked.
CROW: [dazedly struggling back upright] Lee? Rico? Youngblood?
[Lights, alarrums, etc.]
ALL: OH NO! WE GOT COUNTRIFIED MARRISSA SIGN!!!
[6] {5} (4) <3> |2| O
[All enter]
MIKE: That was a pretty mean trick, Crow.
CROW: Sorry. Ow, my net hurts now!
TOM: On the other hand, karma was pretty darn instant this time.
>From stephenbr...@earthlink.net Sun Oct 30 21:55:01 2005
CROW: Bratliff? Stevie's been misbehaving?
MIKE: Step up to the bold taste of Marrissaville Brats.
>Path: sn-us!sn-xit-12!sn-xit-09!sn-xit-13!supernews.com!
>border2.nntp.dca.giganews.com!nntp.giganews.com!newsread.com!
>newsstand.newsread.com!POSTED.monger.newsread.com!not-for-mail
>Newsgroups: alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated
MIKE: When it first started out, the erotica was all wild and stuff.
TOM: Yeah, but now it's more moderated and manageable.
>Approved: as...@earthlink.net
>Organization: Better Living Thru TrekSmut
TOM: Got credit problems? TrekSmut can help.
MIKE: TrekSmut lifts away grease while it cleans your dishes.
CROW: Plus, TrekSmut tastes more like fresh-roasted peanuts!
>Sender: as...@earthlink.net
>Message-ID: <6.1.2.0.2.200510...@mail.trekiverse.org>
>From: Stephen aka Old Man ASC
MIKE: He must know *something*.
TOM: Yeah, but he don't say nothing.
CROW: He just keeps on ficcing along.
> <stephenbr...@earthlink.net>
>MIME-Version: 1.0
>Mailing-List: list ASC...@yahoogroups.com;
>contact ASCEML...@yahoogroups.com
>Subject: NEW TNG Something In Red [G] (Country Song Title Challenge)
[Pause]
CROW: So Stevie's written us a Marrissa story based on - what, a country music
song?
TOM: Mike, does the universe hate us this bad?
MIKE: *sigh* No, just Pearl.
>Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII
>Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit
>Lines: 105
>Date: Mon, 31 Oct 2005 03:55:01 GMT
>NNTP-Posting-Host: 209.198.142.218
>X-Complaints-To: Abuse Role <ab...@prismnet.com>,
TOM: Y'know, I find it really disturbing that Stephen - *or* Marrissa - might
have an "abuse role" of some kind.
CROW: Yeah, that's not really a very moderate thing for the whole Erotica
community.
> We Care <ab...@newsread.com>
TOM: [Bush41] Message - we care!
>X-Trace: monger.newsread.com 1130730901 209.198.142.218 (Sun,
>30 Oct 2005 22:55:01 EST)
>NNTP-Posting-Date: Sun, 30 Oct 2005 22:55:01 EST
>Xref: sn-us alt.startrek.creative.erotica.moderated:83807
>
CROW: Eighty-three *thousand*?
MIKE: Wow. At this point, every one in the Star Trek universe must've done
everyone else in the Star Trek universe.
TOM: You mean someone out there has written Phlox/Neelix slash?
MIKE: Probably not - but after 83,000 stories, anything's possible.
>Title: Looking For Something In Red
>Author: Stephen Ratliff
>Series: TNG, Marrissa Stories
>Codes: Country Song Title Challenge
TOM: Something like "I Belize In You".
MIKE: Ouch!
TOM: Or "Burma Down the House".
CROW: Ugh!
TOM: Or even "Brother, Kenya Spare a Dime".
MIKE: That's it - this goes on your permanent record!
>Rating: [G]
MIKE: Which in this case stands for "Good Gravy, man, are you insane?!?"
>Summary: Jean-Luc Picard attends a talent show where his adopted daughter
>sings.
>
CROW: Well, on the bright side, at least he didn't adopt Wilhelmina Shatner.
>Looking For Something In Red
>
TOM: Commies!
>"Welcome to the seventh annual Enterprise Children's Talent Show," Troi
>said.
CROW: [Troi] Our first contestant is Wesley Crusher, who will travel back
through time and juggle our fates in his weasely little hands.
> Captain Picard sat in the front row.
MIKE: Try as he might, he couldn't gnaw through the ropes.
> He'd politely attended the
>past five of these. It was better to sit in the back row ignoring
>everything,
CROW: This was also his command strategy.
TOM: Sir! The Cardassians, Borg and Romulans are all invading!
MIKE: [Picard] Lalalalalalala! I can't hear you! Lalalalala!
> and just present the winner with the trophy than sit through a
>command performance of "The Laughing Vulcan and His Dog."
CROW: Sounds like "Fear Factor" is even worse in the 24th Century.
> Unfortunately,
>this year he'd been informed that a back row seat was not acceptable for
>the father of a participant.
TOM: Command Performance! Where Marrissa *commands* that you to watch her
perform!
> "Our first group is preforming a rewrite
MIKE: This song has been pre-formed for your convenience.
>of their own devising of an old Country-Western song from the
>1990s.
TOM: It must be Kenchesnek's "She Thinks My Shuttlecraft's Sexy".
CROW: Nah, it's T'Shania and "Any Command of Mine".
> Preforming 'Looking for Something in Red,' Clara Sutter, Jay
>Gordon, and Marrissa Picard,"
>
CROW: a.k.a, "Flopsy", "Mopsy" and "Queen Ghidorah".
>Jean-Luc looked up at the stage just in time to see Clara Sutter walk into
>the spotlight.
MIKE: [Picard] Good Lord! She can't carry a tune in a galvanized bucket!
> The young girl was wearing what appeared to be a Star Fleet
>Admiral's uniform from the mid 23rd Century.
CROW: Immediately, Captain Kirk began ignoring her.
> Her clear young voice rang
>out with the first verse.
>
TOM: [falsetto] My humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps!
>I'm looking for something in red
>Something that's visible to turn someone's head
CROW: Well, to be fair, wearing something that's *not* visible is liable
to get you thrown in the brig.
>Crimson or Scarlet, to hide all the blood there
MIKE: [Clara] Huh? Oh wait, this is Marrissa's verse.
>An eye-catching number, security wear
>The guaranteed number to knock the men dead
TOM: Look out - she's got a "4" and she's not afraid to use it!
>I'm looking for something in red
>
>A giggle ran through the audience as Clara stepped back from the spot
>light.
CROW: So, the usual reaction, then?
> The term "redshirt" was entrenched in Star Fleet lore,
MIKE: Specifically, it was entrenched six feet deep.
TOM: At least he didn't say "burned into memory".
> almost a
>century after the color had moved from security/engineering to
>command.
MIKE: Red eventually retired with the rank of admiral, and was replaced
at Admiralty Hall by Mauve.
> Now Jay stepped into the spot light, dressed in what appeared to
>be a captain's uniform from Kirk's first five year mission.
TOM: It was covered in shed tribble fur.
> In fact, if
>Jean-Luc was not mistaken, Jay was dressed as a passable Kirk.
CROW: The slight beer gut and polyester toupee were almost perfect.
> His young
>tenor voice picked up the song.
>
MIKE: [Alfalfa] Let me call youuuuu sweeetheeeeeeart, I'm in loooove
with youuuuuuu...
>I'm looking for something in green
>An friend I must save from a vulcan queen
CROW: T'RuPol?
>Jealousy comes in the color of jade
>Do you have lirpas and ahn-woons in the glade
TOM: Glade - leaves your starship smelling Pon Farr fresh.
>For the admirals whisper "Please come back to me"
>I'm looking for something in green
>
MIKE: Meanwhile, Hal Jordan and Oliver Queen wait expectantly.
>Jean-Luc had to admire the courage it must have taken to pull out that old
>rumor about Kirk and Spock.
MIKE: Yeah, it takes lots of guts to spread 100-year old gossip.
CROW: By the way, Mike, that stuff I told you about William Howard Taft and
Admiral Dewey? Keep it under your hat, m'kay?
> The events of Ambassador Spock's first wedding
>attempt were supposed to be a secret,
TOM: Vulcans may be great at logic, but they write lousy pre-nups.
> but like most secrets meant to be
>kept about living legends, everyone knew anyway.
MIKE: Stupid "Drudge Report"!
> Jay had stepped back
>again, and this time Marrissa stepped forward,
CROW: And the auditorium, caught off guard, can only cower where they are.
> dressed in the brand new
>dress white uniform. Her alto voice seemed to drift into the first line.
>
MIKE: [Marrissa] Hmm, hmmm, lalalala, um, in the Sky with, uh, Dilithium?
>I'm looking for something in white
CROW: *snerk* Marrissa's wearing white?!? Who does she think *she's*
fooling?
TOM: Jay Gordon.
CROW: Oh. Well, it'll probably work, then.
>Something light and cool in the summer's light
TOM: [Bruce Willis] SEEEEA-grams - GOLDen wine COOLer!
>Torture,
BOTS: TOH-CHA!!!
> uncomfortable to wear
>Should I wear a sword or a phaser to bear
CROW: Depends on whether you want a quick defensive kill versus just
terrorizing the crew.
>The tailoring must be fine, and the collar tight
>I'm looking for something in white
>
>Jean-Luc had to admire the lines on the dress uniform.
MIKE: Dude! Bitchin' racing stripes!
> It summed up his
>own feelings on every dress uniform he'd worn in his career.
CROW: Deep down, Picard just wanted to strip buck nekkid and run wild
all over the ship.
> Marrissa
>stepped back, and Jay stepped forward again, his outfit having changed to
>the blue jumpsuit with pockets of the NX-01 Enterprise.
>
CROW: The entire crew was stunned - none of them had ever seen pockets on
a uniform before.
>I'm looking for something in blue
>Something real shiny the job's brand new,
TOM: Which explains why he's wearing the paper "TRAINEE" hat.
>Thanks to my father's warp five engine.
>We once were innocent, now we're more like friends
CROW: Really grumpy, uncommunicative friends who dislike each other.
>Don't tell me that's just what you old aliens do
TOM: Well sure, they - huh?
CROW: Is that speciesism, or just ageism?
>I'm looking for something in blue
>
>With Jay in that blue loose jumpsuit,
TOM: He looked so much goofier than normal, even Barclay was razzing him.
> Jean-Luc was drawn back to the tales
>he'd once read of Captain Archer and the NX-01 Enterprise.
MIKE: But he quickly lost interest and switched over to "Smallville".
> At the time it
>had sounded like a glorious adventure, boldly going where no man had gone
>before every week.
TOM: Yeah, it's amazing how they timed all their adventures to happen only
on Wednesdays at 8, 7 Central.
CROW: And it was really sporting of the Xindi to go by their schedule.
> He stepped back from the spotlight again, and Marrissa
>stepped up into his place.
MIKE: And thus Jay's life story is summed up in a single sentence.
> Jean-Luc's daughter was wearing her duty
>uniform, and stood at attention, her right hand snapping up into an ancient
>earth salute.
CROW: Ah, the Nelson Rockefeller special.
MIKE: She perfected it when Shayna cut her off in the shuttlebay.
> It dropped back down to her side, and she began to sing again.
>
CROW: Marrissa - the one-armed bandit of country music.
>I'm looking for something in red
>Like the one that I wore when I first sat on the bridge
TOM: Way back when she was in the 4th grade.
>Crimson or scarlet with a rank pip right there
>Just a size larger that I wore last year
CROW: One rank a year, huh? That means by the time she's 20, she'll C-in-C
of Starfleet.
MIKE: It's all going according to plan, then.
>The guaranteed number to command the bridge
>
CROW: And now, Enterprise Command Codes - The Musical!
>Clara joined Marrissa in the spotlight,
TOM: Marrissa had Clara's arms broken the next day as an object lesson.
> her uniform on as well. "I'm
>looking for something"
>
>Jay then stepped into the light, also in uniform, his third quick change of
>the number,
CROW: The part of Jay Gordon will be played by Liza Minelli.
> "I've gotta have something."
>
MIKE: o/` If you wanna be with me! o/`
>Then together they all sang the last line, "I'm looking for something in red"
>
>As the last notes died out, the clapping began.
TOM: Actually, it was slapping.
CROW: The audience was explaining to the judges why this "Talent Show"
concept was a very bad idea.
> Jean-Luc found himself
>smiling widely as his daughter and her best friends took a bow.
MIKE: [Picard] Ha! That'll show them what I have to put up with every day!
Welcome to *my* nightmare, you insensitive clods!
> He glanced at
>the judges ... surely they'd find that a hard act to follow all night long.
>
CROW: But as it turned out, they placed last - just behind Worf and his
Trained Targ orchestra.
>
> ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
> ASCEM messages are copied to a mailing list.
TOM: Then quickly decompiled, degaussed and never spoken of again.
> Most recent messages
> can be found at http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ASCEML.
>
>
>
MIKE: [announcer] Ask your doctor about Ascemel. Do not take Ascemel if
you have high blood pressure, a rash, or are experiencing Ponn Farr.
Discontinue Ascemel if you suddenly become a silicon-based lifeform.
CROW: I think it's over, guys.
TOM: Yeah, let's scoot before Naomi Wildman starts playing Gwen Stefani
songs on the Glass Harmonica.
[All leave]
O |2| <3> (4) {5} [6]
[SOL Bridge]
CROW: Well, that was - special.
TOM: At least it was a change from the music we usually hear on Star Trek.
CROW: Yeah, we either get Berlioz symphonies or Riker's version of "jazz".
MIKE: But country music?
TOM: You no like?
MIKE: Oh, I dunno. I just can't get into the whole country music scene. I
mean, if I have to dress up in some weird costume just to enjoy my
music, what good is it?
CROW: Uh-huh. I seem to recall seeing a KISS outfit in someone's closet.
MIKE: That's different, I - hey, what're you doing in my closet?
CROW: Never mind that now, Mike. Country music's getting cool again.
MIKE: Maybe, but still...
TOM: Yeah, even Nicole Kidman's into it.
MIKE: Really?
CROW: Sure. She's all but engaged to that Urban guy.
MIKE: Urban country?
TOM: D'oh! No no, *Keith* Urban. He's her boyfriend.
MIKE: Huh. This bears some thought. I'll be right back. [leaves]
TOM: Uh, Mike? Mike?
CROW: There he goes, having ideas again.
TOM: Now I'm really worried. Maybe we better do the info thing while Mike
does whatever it is he's gonna do.
CROW: Okiedoke. To join the MiSTing Authors Dibs List, send an e-mail to
"majo...@pinky.wtower.com" (assuming it ever revives) with the
message "subscribe dibslist" in the message body.
TOM: Right. Also, don't forget to read the FAQ at "http://
www.masemware.com/mst3k/faq.shtml", don't work blue, and don't
force your kids to compete in weird sci-fi country contests.
[Mike now returns. He's wearing the gaudiest looking cowboy outfit
imaginable, including a spangled fringed jackets, a huge ugly hat, and
one of those earbud wireless concert microphones]
MIKE: Okay, I'm ready. Bring on the babes.
TOM: *snerk* Uh, Mike, I hate to break it to you, but this outfit
really isn't what you need
MIKE: Huh. Not country enough?
CROW: Heh. Look Mike, if you're looking to snag Nicole Kidman, you
Probably don't want to uh, to...
TOM: You don't want to look like the unholy love child of Garth Brooks
and Liberace.
MIKE: That bad, huh?
TOM: Yeah. Plus, you probably wanna be a little more like Keith Urban.
CROW: Namely, you should probably be Australian.
TOM: And younger.
CROW: And at least a little good looking.
[Lights flash]
MIKE: Okay, I - hey!
[CF - Peal & Brain Guy]
PEARL: My God, Nelson, you look like Porter Waggoner exploded.
OBSERVER: I take it that wasn't the effect you were looking for?
PEARL: I'm looking for madness and submission, Pastyface, not
unadulterated tacky! Welp, back to the drawing board.
Mike, go change into something that can't be seen from
orbit. Until next -
[Bobo comes back in, dragging a big canvas bag]
BOBO: Ook! OK, lawgiver, as ordered, I got rid of all my
loose change. [dumps it on a table]
PEARL: That's nice, Booboo, just - uh, Bobo, I thought you
swallowed a bunch of pennies.
BOBO: Yes, that's right.
OBSERVER: But - but these are quarters.
BOBO: Really? [Looks closely] Huh. Well, I'll be darned. Got
the wrong batch, looks like. Oh well, the pennies will come
out eventually.
[Bobo walks away humming. Pearl and Brain Guy look after him uneasily]
PEARL: Remind me, Brainy - why do we keep him around.
OBSERVER: Partially because he's a fellow scientist, partially because
he has nowhere else to go. But mainly so you'll have a pair of
targets and not take all your anger out on me.
PEARL: Oh yeah.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
"SOMETHING IN RED" BY: Stephen Ratliff
MiSTING BY: Bill Livingston
MiSTING DIBS LIST MAINTAINED (WE THINK) BY: Michael Neylon
MEAT LOVER'S DELUXE BY: Pizza Hut
I'M GONNA TAKE THIS ITTY BITTY WORLD BY: Storm. And I'm just gettin' warm!
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
THANKS: To MiSTies, MuSTies, RATMMers, the teachers of America, my
lovely wife, the cast and crew of "Monk", George Perez and the
memory of Jerry Orbach.
"Star Trek: TNG" and all associated characters and situations are
trademark of and (c) Paramount. All rights reserved. All "Next
Generation" characters may, without warning, show up in your series
finale and reduce you to a hologram.
"Mystery Science Theater 3000" trademark of and (c) Best Brains, Inc. All
rights reserved. When in the future, visit the Food Court of the Future!
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by others is intended or should be inferred.
No personal insults to author(s), character(s), or situation(s) are or
should be implied. All characters in this work are fictional, and any
resemblance to actual people, living or dead, is purely coincidental
At least as far as you know.
It's Time to decide if you're a team player.
Keep circulating the posts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
> Jean-Luc's daughter was wearing her duty
>uniform, and stood at attention, her right hand snapping up into an ancient
>earth salute.