A New Life, Soaked in Flammable Liquid

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Jon Hall

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Aug 29, 2002, 10:19:16 PM8/29/02
to
Hiya, Folks.

The brother of one of my wife's friends works for the University of Texas.
He was kind enough to share this tale of Freshmania, and I was so impressed
by it that I thought I'd pass it along to you. Enjoy.

------------------------
Don's 1st Experience with UT Class of 2006

It's always nice on campus with the incoming Freshmen in bloom. I will
usually point out a building or two. Sometimes as staff, we volunteer to
help them move into their dorms, etc. But sometimes they show up rather
ill-equipped for life on their own.

Today, 8/21, I was filling up my truck when a young lady pulled up to the
tank on the other side of my island. She fumbled with the credit-card slot,
and then asked, "How does this work?" She had her HS tassels hanging from
her rearview and a car full of clothes and furniture.

I recommended she try inserting the card. "I did that," she retorted. I
said, "The way the black stripe goes matters." She giggled as the pump
turned on.

Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was crying,
with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I stuck my head
around the island and saw that she had her hand on the handle and 92 octane
was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the gas turned on she just
grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air, because
she was also covered in gas from her hair to her tank top and down to her
Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."

Luckily, I had the island as protection, because as soon as she heard my
voice she turned, spraying gas right at me, but splashing it most of it on
the bank of gas pumps and only splattering it on my face.

She was bawling now and hopping slightly, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh,
uuuunngghh, uuunnggh."

But she had a firm grip on the handle: By now the pump read $3.40 and
counting.

I screamed at an attendant to shut off the pump and calmly turned to her.
"Sweetie, that lever you are squeezing in your hand is causing gas to come
out of the nozzle. Take your hand off the handle!"

She slowly grasped my remarks by lifting her nozzle hand up and looking at
it closely, thereby turning the nozzle and causing gas to spray directly
into her front seat. Finally, she dropped the nozzle at the same time the
pumps shut off. She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm
so sorry," and kind of running in place.

The attendants were spraying the area with foam, and I could hear the fire
truck on its way. I had to push my truck out of the way so that I didn't
start it on the gas. As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home, and
the attendants were physically preventing her from getting in her car and
starting it in a puddle of gasoline. The pump read $4.93.

-Don
--------------------------------

I don't know what I could possibly add, except a mean-spirited sig.
--
Jon Hall

"Kids today think the 70s were fun. They think the 70s were cool. They think
that 70s stuff looks hip. Let me put this as delicately as possible: kids
today are idiots."

--James Lileks

The Midnight Rambler

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Aug 30, 2002, 12:22:39 AM8/30/02
to

"Jon Hall" <jon...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:ECAb9.1131$jG2....@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
> Hiya, Folks.

(snip)

> Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was
crying,
> with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I stuck my head
> around the island and saw that she had her hand on the handle and 92
octane
> was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the gas turned on she just
> grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air,
because
> she was also covered in gas from her hair to her tank top and down to her
> Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."
>
> Luckily, I had the island as protection, because as soon as she heard my
> voice she turned, spraying gas right at me, but splashing it most of it on
> the bank of gas pumps and only splattering it on my face.
>
> She was bawling now and hopping slightly, all the while saying,
"Uuunggghh,
> uuuunngghh, uuunnggh."

Dear Penthouse...

--
Another extremely vague public warning from
Robert "Big Rob" Fontenot, Jr.
http://www.bigrobonline.com
..............................................
"Hell works better when it's more subtle." -- Joel Hodgson

Jef

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Aug 30, 2002, 12:32:12 AM8/30/02
to
I'd just like to establish that even though I am, infact from New Jersey, I
do know how to pump my own gas.


--
Toolmaster Jef Zehnder
MSTIE#95033
"The only thing that ever made sense to me, is the words to a song from an
American Movie." - Everclear
Valid email address is not nearly so funny.

Fish Eye no Miko

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:22:10 AM8/30/02
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"Jef" <jef...@subdimension.comedy> wrote in message
news:Xns927A68C52524je...@152.10.1.6...

> I'd just like to establish that even though I am, infact from New
> Jersey, I do know how to pump my own gas.

And I'd like to establish that I'm female, and knew how to pump gas while
still in high school (if not earlier).

Catherine Johnson.
--
dis "able" to reply
"Oh, he makes me so mad! The horrible puny-brained meat child, with his
little glasses, and his... head! 'My name is Dib, with my pointy hair!'
Pointy hair! 'I eat food and have stuff!'."
-Zim, during one of his funnier rants, _Invader Zim_.


Jeffrey Johnson

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:34:58 AM8/30/02
to
Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Jon Hall:

>Hiya, Folks.
>
>The brother of one of my wife's friends works for the University of
>Texas. He was kind enough to share this tale of Freshmania, and I was so
>impressed by it that I thought I'd pass it along to you. Enjoy.
>
>------------------------

<majority of gas-spewing story snipped>

>grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air, because

>--------------------------------
>
>I don't know what I could possibly add, except a mean-spirited sig.

I could add two things.

1) Anybody who uses the non-word "squoze" should be dragged into the
street and...well, OK, we'll just give them humiliating grammar lessons
while dodging traffic. Now don't say I'm not benevolent.

2) I am under the impression (not having actually tested the truth of it)
that under California law, gas pumps are required to have a mechanism
ensuring that the nozzle is in a tank before any gas will flow. I suppose
Texas doesn't have these sorts of restrictions?

JSJ1TG, asking you to please, please stay away from the Texas/Big
Petroleum joke. Think of the children. Who spray gasoline on themselves.
Aw, screw 'em! Natural selection, here we come!

----------------------------------------------------
"DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE?!?" - Doug Elrod's
take on Isildur and Anarion's role as the Argonath.
----------------------------------------------------


Fish Eye no Miko

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:38:39 AM8/30/02
to
"The Midnight Rambler" <wher...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
news:SnCb9.98461$%v4.53...@e3500-atl2.usenetserver.com...

> "Jon Hall" <jon...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
> news:ECAb9.1131$jG2....@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...
>

> > Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was
> > crying, with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I
> > stuck my head around the island and saw that she had her hand on the
> > handle and 92 octane was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the
> > gas turned on she just grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas
> > straight up in the air, because she was also covered in gas from her
> > hair to her tank top and down to her Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled
> > at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."
> > Luckily, I had the island as protection, because as soon as she heard
> > my voice she turned, spraying gas right at me, but splashing it most of
> > it on the bank of gas pumps and only splattering it on my face.
> > She was bawling now and hopping slightly, all the while saying,
> > "Uuunggghh, uuuunngghh, uuunnggh."
>
> Dear Penthouse...

Hmmm...
All I did was cut out words and change punctuaiton. I didn't move any
words around or add anything.

----------

Don's 1st Experience

She fumbled with her clothes
I recommended she try inserting. "I did that," she retorted. She giggled.
Next thing I knew, she was crying, with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh,
uuunngghh, uunggghhh." She just grabbed and squoze, shooting straight up in
the air, she was also covered from her hair down.
I yelled at her, "Let go, honey."
As soon as she heard my voice she turned, splashing most of it on my face.
She was bawling now, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh, uuuunngghh,
uuunnggh."
But she had a firm grip: $3.40 and counting.
I screamed and calmly turned to her. "Sweetie, take your hand off!"
She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,".
As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home. $4.93.

Catherine Johnson.
--
dis "able" to reply

Right now you are reading my .sig quote.


Jon Hall

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Aug 30, 2002, 2:22:13 AM8/30/02
to

"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020829...@runner.ucdavis.edu...

> I could add two things.
>
> 1) Anybody who uses the non-word "squoze" should be dragged into the
> street and...well, OK, we'll just give them humiliating grammar lessons
> while dodging traffic. Now don't say I'm not benevolent.

Yes, well, I'm with you on that, but I felt the story itself made up for
that sin. In addition, it certainly seems like the word *she* would have
used, given the chance.

> 2) I am under the impression (not having actually tested the truth of it)
> that under California law, gas pumps are required to have a mechanism
> ensuring that the nozzle is in a tank before any gas will flow. I suppose
> Texas doesn't have these sorts of restrictions?

Nah. I fill up the gas can for my lawn mower at the local Texaco all the
time. By the way, how does one fill up one's gas can in California?
--
Jon Hall
jon_hay...@hotmail.com

"I don't understand anything, so there you go."

--Bill Hicks


George Johnson

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Aug 30, 2002, 10:06:16 AM8/30/02
to
"Jon Hall" <jon...@worldnet.att.net> wrote in message
news:ECAb9.1131$jG2....@bgtnsc05-news.ops.worldnet.att.net...

Yikes! That is Darwin Award scary-stupid. The downside on this is a
person like that was a scary-stupid kid, now a scary-stupid adult, and later
still a scary-stupid adult for many years coming unless fate intervenes and
makes that scary-stupid person a scary-stupid dead person.


George Johnson

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Aug 30, 2002, 11:16:59 AM8/30/02
to
"Jef" <jef...@subdimension.comedy> wrote in message
news:Xns927A68C52524je...@152.10.1.6...

You're kidding right?

Usually the instructions are on the pump. Taking off the gas cap can be
a bother, but usually it involves putting the nozzle into the tank opening
then squeezing the pump handle until the thing stops pumping (as it has an
auto-shutoff).

First of all, do not have a lit cigarette or have anything which can
ignite the gas fumes active while pumping gas.

Now the basic instructions for American gasoline pump...

Open the gas cap cover (a metal lid on the side of your vehicle), there
should be a cap underneath, unscrew the cap (mnemonic for remembering it:
Lefty = Loosy / Righty = Tighty [ and that defines a heck of a lot of
things ]), then you place the cap upon the trunk of your vehicle or
somewhere handy where it will not be lost. Complications will arise if you
have a locking gas cap and do not possess the key. This will be a result of
a servant or spouse or loved one forgetting to get a copy made for you
(which is not surprising given that you do not pump your own gas). The
other possibility of lacking the key to a locking gas cap is you have lost
your key somewhere without the foresight to have duplicates made (trust me -
you need to do this) or you are a car thief going from car to car like a
drunken drug-addict on a binge to imbibe your significant problems out of
your tortured brain (in which case I will have to hate you on your wanton
trail of personal property terror and self-introspection-denial as even
though the booze is gone your problems will remain).

There are some variations in the method of starting the pump. You of
course can use a credit card. Simplest method is to simply park your car
(with the engine off or you might ignite the gas fumes) then lift the pump
handle off the pump rest. Then you choose your gasoline type (if a single
pump handle is present). Otherwise you pick which one of three pump handles
are available (most often the octane will be 87 & Unleaded Gasoline which
otherwise known as "Regular", but you should read your Auto Owner's Handbook
to make certain you pick the right octane). You should hear a "Bloop" or
"Beep" noise indicating that the gasoline is ready to be pumped. If that
noise does not occur then you have to most likely have to lift the gas pump
handle rest upward (again - you need to read the instructions listed on the
pump). Otherwise when the gas station attendant indicates that your pump is
ready you should be able to pump the gasoline.

To begin you now need to place the gasoline pump nozzle into the gas
tank opening (which what was the gas cap was covering) until the nozzle's
rubber round cover meets your gas tank opening. Now it should be safe to
squeeze the gas pump trigger and begin pumping (unlike the scary-stupid lady
noted at the beginning of this thread who squeezed the trigger when she was
spraying it all over herself and the gasoline refilling station). Now you
can entertain yourself by watching the display numbers on the pump (the one
with the dollar sign indicates the cost of your refilling and the other
indicates the amount of gallons now entering your gasoline tank). IT IS
VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAVE SUFFICIENT MONEY TO PAY YOUR GASOLINE BILL.
The gas pump trigger should prevent you from overfilling your tank as it
will shut off when your tank is full, if not then you need to watch the
pumping process carefully and when your gasoline tank is full it will begin
to overflow and then you should release the gas pump trigger. Now place the
gas pump handle you have chosen and replace it back in the position that you
initially encountered it. You now need to screw the gas cap back onto the
gasoline tank opening and close the metal lid which covers that.

Finally the most important process of this gasoline refilling is to go
in and pay the gas station attendant (unless you already have paid by credit
card). You will need to note the number of the pump which you used to
refill your vehicle. Failure to do so could have you paying another
person's gasoline bill by mistake (or on purpose). Failure to pay will most
likely result in police pursuit (or a bill arriving in your mailbox as most
gas stations have cameras to record license plate numbers). And that is
pretty much all you need to do until the next time your vehicle needs
refilling.


Jeffrey Johnson

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:13:08 PM8/30/02
to
Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Jon Hall:
>"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
>> I could add two things.
>>
>> 1) Anybody who uses the non-word "squoze" should be dragged into the
>> street and...well, OK, we'll just give them humiliating grammar
>> lessons while dodging traffic. Now don't say I'm not benevolent.
>
>Yes, well, I'm with you on that, but I felt the story itself made up for
>that sin. In addition, it certainly seems like the word *she* would have
>used, given the chance.

True. But it was so bad, I practically freezed on the spot when I read
it.

>> 2) I am under the impression (not having actually tested the truth of
>> it) that under California law, gas pumps are required to have a
>> mechanism ensuring that the nozzle is in a tank before any gas will
>> flow. I suppose Texas doesn't have these sorts of restrictions?
>
>Nah. I fill up the gas can for my lawn mower at the local Texaco all the
>time. By the way, how does one fill up one's gas can in California?

You can fill a gas can. Most of the pumps I've seen have a springy
plastic sheath most of the way down the nozzle that has to be compressed
a bit before gas will flow. Most gas can filler holes are narrow enough
to not allow the sheath in, so it's no different than a tank, really.

JSJ1TG, again, this is all conjecture based on these Jedi-type feelings I
have. I have vague recollections and all. But I'm filling up this
afternoon, and I'll pay attention and verify.

Carl Burke

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:35:06 PM8/30/02
to
Fish Eye no Miko wrote:
> "The Midnight Rambler" <wher...@bellsouth.net> wrote in message
> news:SnCb9.98461$%v4.53...@e3500-atl2.usenetserver.com...
...

> > Dear Penthouse...
>
> Hmmm...
> All I did was cut out words and change punctuaiton. I didn't move any
> words around or add anything.
>
> ----------
>
> Don's 1st Experience
>
> She fumbled with her clothes
> I recommended she try inserting. "I did that," she retorted. She giggled.
> Next thing I knew, she was crying, with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh,
> uuunngghh, uunggghhh." She just grabbed and squoze, shooting straight up in
> the air, she was also covered from her hair down.
> I yelled at her, "Let go, honey."
> As soon as she heard my voice she turned, splashing most of it on my face.
> She was bawling now, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh, uuuunngghh,
> uuunnggh."
> But she had a firm grip: $3.40 and counting.
> I screamed and calmly turned to her. "Sweetie, take your hand off!"
> She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,".
> As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home. $4.93.

Man, that reads better than half the net.porn out there.

Except now I'm going to have the giggles all afternoon.

--
Barcode

Doug Elrod

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:38:00 PM8/30/02
to
In article <3d6f8d8a$0$1434$272e...@news.execpc.com>, "George Johnson"
<matr...@voyager.net> wrote:

> There are some variations in the method of starting the pump. You of
> course can use a credit card. Simplest method is to simply park your car
> (with the engine off or you might ignite the gas fumes) then lift the pump
> handle off the pump rest. Then you choose your gasoline type (if a single
> pump handle is present). Otherwise you pick which one of three pump handles
> are available (most often the octane will be 87 & Unleaded Gasoline which
> otherwise known as "Regular", but you should read your Auto Owner's Handbook
> to make certain you pick the right octane). You should hear a "Bloop" or
> "Beep" noise indicating that the gasoline is ready to be pumped. If that
> noise does not occur then you have to most likely have to lift the gas pump
> handle rest upward (again - you need to read the instructions listed on the
> pump). Otherwise when the gas station attendant indicates that your pump is
> ready you should be able to pump the gasoline.

And now, the Chuck Jones version....Go!

-Doug Elrod (dr...@cornell.edu)
Didn't think coyotes would burn like that, did you? :-)

Fory-san

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Aug 30, 2002, 1:44:19 PM8/30/02
to
That was a very funny story, but I'm not going to say anything about the girl
because you don't know if she was mentally slow or something. I know for a long
time that I didn't know how to pump my own gas. ^^;;;

-Fory, The Mysterious Lurker

"Your one minor weakness is that you are entirely dominated by some kid with a
remote contol."

http://www.carm.org/index/Jesus_saves.htm

Andrew

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Aug 30, 2002, 2:01:46 PM8/30/02
to

On Fri, 30 Aug 2002, Jon Hall wrote:

:Hiya, Folks.


:
:The brother of one of my wife's friends works for the University of Texas.
:He was kind enough to share this tale of Freshmania, and I was so impressed
:by it that I thought I'd pass it along to you. Enjoy.
:
:------------------------
:Don's 1st Experience with UT Class of 2006
:
:It's always nice on campus with the incoming Freshmen in bloom. I will
:usually point out a building or two. Sometimes as staff, we volunteer to
:help them move into their dorms, etc. But sometimes they show up rather
:ill-equipped for life on their own.

Ah, yes. The younger they are, the easier they are to dupe.

:
:Today, 8/21, I was filling up my truck when a young lady pulled up to the


:tank on the other side of my island. She fumbled with the credit-card slot,
:and then asked, "How does this work?" She had her HS tassels hanging from
:her rearview and a car full of clothes and furniture.
:
:I recommended she try inserting the card. "I did that," she retorted. I
:said, "The way the black stripe goes matters." She giggled as the pump
:turned on.
:
:Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was crying,
:with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I stuck my head
:around the island and saw that she had her hand on the handle and 92 octane
:was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the gas turned on she just
:grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air, because
:she was also covered in gas from her hair to her tank top and down to her
:Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."

Whoa, it's *true* what they say about Britanny Spear's groupies...

:
:Luckily, I had the island as protection, because as soon as she heard my


:voice she turned, spraying gas right at me, but splashing it most of it on
:the bank of gas pumps and only splattering it on my face.
:
:She was bawling now and hopping slightly, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh,
:uuuunngghh, uuunnggh."

My first question would have been, "Lady, what kind of illegial substance
are you on?"

:
:But she had a firm grip on the handle: By now the pump read $3.40 and
:counting.

Maybe she mistook it for a slot machine...

:
:I screamed at an attendant to shut off the pump and calmly turned to her.


:"Sweetie, that lever you are squeezing in your hand is causing gas to come
:out of the nozzle. Take your hand off the handle!"
:
:She slowly grasped my remarks by lifting her nozzle hand up and looking at
:it closely, thereby turning the nozzle and causing gas to spray directly
:into her front seat. Finally, she dropped the nozzle at the same time the
:pumps shut off. She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm
:so sorry," and kind of running in place.

Sounds like something out of the "Serving Sara" movie...

:
:The attendants were spraying the area with foam, and I could hear the fire


:truck on its way. I had to push my truck out of the way so that I didn't
:start it on the gas. As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home, and
:the attendants were physically preventing her from getting in her car and
:starting it in a puddle of gasoline. The pump read $4.93.

Well, at least she didn't spill too much gas. Her mind, on the other hand,
could use a refill...it's at E.

---Andrew Kunz. "I am a bad driver, but I do know how to put a nozzle into a
gas tank."

Jon Hall

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Aug 30, 2002, 2:42:11 PM8/30/02
to

"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020830...@sandman.ucdavis.edu...

> Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Jon Hall:
> >"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
> >> I could add two things.
> >>
> >> 1) Anybody who uses the non-word "squoze" should be dragged into the
> >> street and...well, OK, we'll just give them humiliating grammar
> >> lessons while dodging traffic. Now don't say I'm not benevolent.
> >
> >Yes, well, I'm with you on that, but I felt the story itself made up for
> >that sin. In addition, it certainly seems like the word *she* would have
> >used, given the chance.
>
> True. But it was so bad, I practically freezed on the spot when I read
> it.

Not I. I just broze right through it.

> >> 2) I am under the impression (not having actually tested the truth of
> >> it) that under California law, gas pumps are required to have a
> >> mechanism ensuring that the nozzle is in a tank before any gas will
> >> flow. I suppose Texas doesn't have these sorts of restrictions?
> >
> >Nah. I fill up the gas can for my lawn mower at the local Texaco all the
> >time. By the way, how does one fill up one's gas can in California?
>
> You can fill a gas can. Most of the pumps I've seen have a springy
> plastic sheath most of the way down the nozzle that has to be compressed
> a bit before gas will flow. Most gas can filler holes are narrow enough
> to not allow the sheath in, so it's no different than a tank, really.

Oh, yes . . . the sheaths. Some here have 'em; some don't. The place down
the street doesn't.

> JSJ1TG, again, this is all conjecture based on these Jedi-type feelings I
> have. I have vague recollections and all. But I'm filling up this
> afternoon, and I'll pay attention and verify.

Man, do we resolve life's important questions here or what?
--
Jon Hall

"This morning, while I was sitting outside with coffee and a cigarette,
a squirrel walked slowly up, sat on his back legs between my feet,
looked up at me and scratched his ass with his right forelimb. For a
while. Then walked slowly away. The squirrels are not afraid of me,
which scares me."
--Tim Richardson


Robert Hutchinson

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Aug 30, 2002, 3:48:48 PM8/30/02
to
Fory-san says...

> That was a very funny story, but I'm not going to say anything about the girl
> because you don't know if she was mentally slow or something. I know for a long
> time that I didn't know how to pump my own gas. ^^;;;

I'd say something about her, if only because I'm now imagining her
actually *driving* the car.

"Take your foot off the accelerator, dear."
"Unnnnnngh."

--
Robert Hutchinson | "[Destiny's Child] got booed at the NBA
| playoffs. Even men in plush animal costumes
| don't get booed at the NBA playoffs."
| -- Fametracker.com

Kevin Skinner

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Aug 30, 2002, 6:12:22 PM8/30/02
to
I...

...um...

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

As I said in my other post, God help the future.

Fish Eye no Miko

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Aug 30, 2002, 11:09:50 PM8/30/02
to
"Carl Burke" <cbu...@mitre.org> wrote in message
news:3D6FACC9...@mitre.org...

> Fish Eye no Miko wrote:

> > "The Midnight Rambler" <wher...@bellsouth.net> wrote:
> >
> > > Dear Penthouse...
> >
> > Hmmm...

> > All I did was cut out words and change punctuation. I didn't move any


> > words around or add anything.
> >
> > ----------
> >
> > Don's 1st Experience
> >
> > She fumbled with her clothes
> > I recommended she try inserting. "I did that," she retorted. She
giggled.
> > Next thing I knew, she was crying, with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh,
> > uuunngghh, uunggghhh." She just grabbed and squoze, shooting straight
> > up in the air, she was also covered from her hair down.
> > I yelled at her, "Let go, honey."
> > As soon as she heard my voice she turned, splashing most of it on my
> > face.
> > She was bawling now, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh, uuuunngghh,
> > uuunnggh."
> > But she had a firm grip: $3.40 and counting.
> > I screamed and calmly turned to her. "Sweetie, take your hand off!"
> > She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,".
> > As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home. $4.93.
>
> Man, that reads better than half the net.porn out there.

Sadly, you're probably right...

> Except now I'm going to have the giggles all afternoon.

Cool. ^_^

Catherine Johnson. Who likes to think that are her yaoi stories are better
written than that...


--
dis "able" to reply

"When Catherine thinks you're too gay, you're too gay."
-Rob Fontenot, aka The Midnight Rambler, RATMM.


The Midnight Rambler

unread,
Aug 31, 2002, 12:59:42 AM8/31/02
to

"Doug Elrod" <dr...@cornell.edu> wrote in message
news:dre1-30080...@csic13.cogstud.cornell.edu...

George Johnson, suuuuper websurfer.

(pause)

I like the way that rolls out!

Jeffrey Johnson

unread,
Sep 1, 2002, 3:04:04 AM9/1/02
to
Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Jon Hall:
>"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
>> Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Jon Hall:
>> >"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
>> >> I could add two things.
>> >>
>> >> 1) Anybody who uses the non-word "squoze" should be dragged into
>> >> the street and...well, OK, we'll just give them humiliating grammar
>> >> lessons while dodging traffic. Now don't say I'm not benevolent.
>> >
>> >Yes, well, I'm with you on that, but I felt the story itself made up
>> >for that sin. In addition, it certainly seems like the word *she*
>> >would have used, given the chance.
>>
>> True. But it was so bad, I practically freezed on the spot when I
>> read it.
>
>Not I. I just broze right through it.

Good. I'm very plose to hear that.

>> >> 2) I am under the impression (not having actually tested the truth
>> >> of it) that under California law, gas pumps are required to have a
>> >> mechanism ensuring that the nozzle is in a tank before any gas will
>> >> flow. I suppose Texas doesn't have these sorts of restrictions?
>> >
>> >Nah. I fill up the gas can for my lawn mower at the local Texaco all
>> >the time. By the way, how does one fill up one's gas can in
>> >California?
>>
>> You can fill a gas can. Most of the pumps I've seen have a springy
>> plastic sheath most of the way down the nozzle that has to be
>> compressed a bit before gas will flow. Most gas can filler holes are
>> narrow enough to not allow the sheath in, so it's no different than a
>> tank, really.
>
>Oh, yes . . . the sheaths. Some here have 'em; some don't. The place
>down the street doesn't.

**Very Important Update**
Went to gas station which happened to lack sheaths. No other mechanism to
avoid accidental or deliberate misusage evident. Minimal insertion into
tank sufficient for liquid release. Assume previous assertion incorrect,
misusage appears possible but prudence does not allow more detailed
testing.

>> JSJ1TG, again, this is all conjecture based on these Jedi-type
>> feelings I have. I have vague recollections and all. But I'm filling
>> up this afternoon, and I'll pay attention and verify.
>
>Man, do we resolve life's important questions here or what?

JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions are too much
to do for a Klondike bar?

Robert Hutchinson

unread,
Sep 1, 2002, 5:42:27 AM9/1/02
to
Jeffrey Johnson says...

> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions are too much
> to do for a Klondike bar?

And what if one simultaneously feels like Chicken Tonight?

--
Crunch-a-tize me, Cap'n

Fish Eye no Miko

unread,
Sep 1, 2002, 2:24:18 PM9/1/02
to
"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.02083...@runner.ucdavis.edu...

> **Very Important Update**
> Went to gas station which happened to lack sheaths. No other
> mechanism to avoid accidental or deliberate misusage evident.

<snicker>

> Minimal insertion into tank sufficient for liquid release.

<chuckle>

> Assume previous assertion incorrect, misusage appears
> possible but prudence does not allow more detailed testing.

<guffaw>
I'm sorry, that just sounded so... dirty. ^_^

> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions
> are too much to do for a Klondike bar?

Hey, as long as I don't have to dress up like Little Bo Peep...

Catherine Johnson.


--
dis "able" to reply

"There's a bald guy in a wheelchair waiting outside the delivery room to
talk to you."
-One of the Signs Your Baby Might Be a Mutant, from TopFive.com.


Andrew Morris

unread,
Sep 1, 2002, 8:45:27 PM9/1/02
to
On Fri, 30 Aug 2002 13:35:06 -0400, Carl Burke <cbu...@mitre.org>
wrote:

Roxie! ROXIE!


--Andrew "Retro-Man" Morris
Send all advertising to: postm...@127.0.0.1
Send everything else to: mor...@wt.net

The Midnight Rambler

unread,
Sep 1, 2002, 9:33:10 PM9/1/02
to

"Andrew Morris" <mor...@charlie.iit.edu> wrote in message
news:3d72b42a....@news2.wt.net...

"Go ahead and grab the handle, sweetie," said Roxy's dad. "It's all right. I
think it likes you. Stick your tongue in its nozzle."
"Uuunnnnngh. Uuuunnnnnnngh. I want to go home," whined Roxy.

(*sobbing*)

Jeffrey Johnson

unread,
Sep 2, 2002, 2:35:48 AM9/2/02
to
Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Robert Hutchinson:

>Jeffrey Johnson says...
>
>> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions are too
>> much to do for a Klondike bar?
>
>And what if one simultaneously feels like Chicken Tonight?

I would say that if you're hot, squishy, pasty and salty, you should go
see a doctor.

JSJ1TG, a Klondike bar probably wouldn't help.

Jeffrey Johnson

unread,
Sep 2, 2002, 3:22:31 AM9/2/02
to
Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Fish Eye no Miko:

>"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
>
>> **Very Important Update**
>> Went to gas station which happened to lack sheaths. No other
>> mechanism to avoid accidental or deliberate misusage evident.
>
><snicker>
>
>> Minimal insertion into tank sufficient for liquid release.
>
><chuckle>
>
>> Assume previous assertion incorrect, misusage appears
>> possible but prudence does not allow more detailed testing.
>
><guffaw>
>I'm sorry, that just sounded so... dirty. ^_^
>
>> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions
>> are too much to do for a Klondike bar?
>
>Hey, as long as I don't have to dress up like Little Bo Peep...

<reluctantly crosses item #217 from wishlist>

JSJ1TG, now please don't tell me I wasted my money on the Barbarella
outfit, too.

Robert Hutchinson

unread,
Sep 2, 2002, 3:51:55 AM9/2/02
to
Jeffrey Johnson says...

> Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Robert Hutchinson:
> >Jeffrey Johnson says...
> >
> >> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions are too
> >> much to do for a Klondike bar?
> >
> >And what if one simultaneously feels like Chicken Tonight?
>
> I would say that if you're hot, squishy, pasty and salty, you should go
> see a doctor.
>
> JSJ1TG, a Klondike bar probably wouldn't help.

Oooh.

That's cold.

--
Not very chicken

Bill Livingston

unread,
Sep 7, 2002, 6:29:30 PM9/7/02
to
Previously on "Monk", Jeffrey Johnson wrote:
>Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Fish Eye no Miko:
>>"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
>>>JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions
>>>are too much to do for a Klondike bar?
>>
>>Hey, as long as I don't have to dress up like Little Bo Peep...
>
><reluctantly crosses item #217 from wishlist>
>
>JSJ1TG, now please don't tell me I wasted my money on the Barbarella
>outfit, too.

It's not bad, but it doesn't fit you too well. It's a bit baggy across the -
um - shoulders.

Bill L.
On the other hand, your Vampirella costume is just plain tacky.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
bil...@hiwaay.net http://home.hiwaay.net/~billfl

"If you're dumb, surround yourself with smart people. And if you're smart,
surround yourself with smart people who disagree with you."
Isaac Jaffee (Robert Guillaume), "Sports Night"

Fish Eye no Miko

unread,
Sep 8, 2002, 4:00:20 PM9/8/02
to
"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote in message
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020902...@runner.ucdavis.edu...

> Embark, dear reader, on a tour of the wisdom of Fish Eye no Miko:

> >"Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote:
> >
> >> JSJ1TG, Oh, yeah. Next on the agenda, exactly which actions
> >> are too much to do for a Klondike bar?
> >
> >Hey, as long as I don't have to dress up like Little Bo Peep...
>
> <reluctantly crosses item #217 from wishlist>
> JSJ1TG, now please don't tell me I wasted my money on the
> Barbarella outfit, too.

Hmmm... Well...
Are you sue you WANT to see me in a Barbarella outfit?

Catherine Johnson.
--
dis "able" to reply

Noah Singman

unread,
Sep 8, 2002, 9:59:31 PM9/8/02
to
"Fish Eye no Miko" <cath...@feablenm.net> wrote:

> "Jeffrey Johnson" <ez04...@mailbox.ucdavis.edu> wrote:
> > <reluctantly crosses item #217 from wishlist>
> > JSJ1TG, now please don't tell me I wasted my money on the
> > Barbarella outfit, too.

> Hmmm... Well...
> Are you sue you WANT to see me in a Barbarella outfit?

Speaking as Mr. Johnson's official spokesperson in matters of such import, I
can confirm that the answer is an emphatic "Yes."

Noah
MST#59539
I heard that Catherine wore her Barbarella outfit to BaaCon, but only when I
left the room. :-)

SteveJP

unread,
Sep 9, 2002, 9:51:01 PM9/9/02
to
"The Midnight Rambler" <wher...@bellsouth.net> writes:

>"Doug Elrod" <dr...@cornell.edu> wrote in message
>news:dre1-30080...@csic13.cogstud.cornell.edu...
>> In article <3d6f8d8a$0$1434$272e...@news.execpc.com>, "George Johnson"
>> <matr...@voyager.net> wrote:
>>
>> > There are some variations in the method of starting the pump. You

<snip>

>> And now, the Chuck Jones version....Go!
>
>George Johnson, suuuuper websurfer.
>
>(pause)
>
>I like the way that rolls out!

Insert one Exxon card or three Mobil cards or two Mobil cards and five Chevron
cards or one Mobil card and ten Chevron cards or fifteen Chevron cards.


ToyCarGuy, #72920 (e-mail requires de-putation)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Even Judge Dredd wets himself when I turn up. Grrrr.

To...@fred.net

unread,
Sep 13, 2002, 8:16:24 AM9/13/02
to
If my memory serves me correctly, on Fri, 30 Aug 2002 02:19:16 GMT, Jon Hall issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:

: Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was crying,
: with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I stuck my head


: around the island and saw that she had her hand on the handle and 92 octane
: was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the gas turned on she just

: grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air, because


: she was also covered in gas from her hair to her tank top and down to her

: Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."

Buddhist monk-in-training for the 21st Century.

"Who put gasoline in my gasoline?"

--
To...@Fred.Net http://www.fred.net/tomr

* "Hello, girls.... I'm the Easter Bunny!" - Janet Reno, "South Park"
* Look out! If Bender says "ass", Katherine Harris will appear!
* Remember The Pentagon: The Jan Brady of 9/11

"If someone is jailed for quoting Tom Lehrer, then our true American
liberties are gone." - MattH

Mary Kay Bergman 1961-1999 - http://www.mkbmemorial.com/
"It's been a lot of fun." - Alison Brooks

To...@fred.net

unread,
Sep 13, 2002, 8:18:16 AM9/13/02
to
If my memory serves me correctly, on Fri, 30 Aug 2002 05:38:39 GMT, Fish Eye no Miko issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
:>
:> Dear Penthouse...

: Hmmm...
: All I did was cut out words and change punctuaiton. I didn't move any
: words around or add anything.

: ----------

: Don's 1st Experience

: She fumbled with her clothes
: I recommended she try inserting. "I did that," she retorted. She giggled.

: Next thing I knew, she was crying, with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh,
: uuunngghh, uunggghhh." She just grabbed and squoze, shooting straight up in
: the air, she was also covered from her hair down.
: I yelled at her, "Let go, honey."


: As soon as she heard my voice she turned, splashing most of it on my face.
: She was bawling now, all the while saying, "Uuunggghh, uuuunngghh,
: uuunnggh."
: But she had a firm grip: $3.40 and counting.
: I screamed and calmly turned to her. "Sweetie, take your hand off!"
: She was totally bawling now, screaming, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry,".
: As I left she was yelling she wanted to go home. $4.93.

Can I blounge you with man-breasts?

Kate Halleron

unread,
Sep 13, 2002, 5:37:07 PM9/13/02
to
To...@Fred.Net wrote in message news:<sGkg9.6$B05....@news.abs.net>...

> If my memory serves me correctly, on Fri, 30 Aug 2002 02:19:16 GMT, Jon Hall issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
>
> : Next thing I knew, gas was dumping all over the ground, and she was crying,
> : with this weird wimper: "Uunngggh, uuunngghh, uunggghhh." I stuck my head
> : around the island and saw that she had her hand on the handle and 92 octane
> : was spewing out full blast. Apparently, after the gas turned on she just
> : grabbed the handle and squoze, shooting gas straight up in the air, because
> : she was also covered in gas from her hair to her tank top and down to her
> : Brit Spears lowriders. I yelled at her, "Let go of the handle, honey."
>
> Buddhist monk-in-training for the 21st Century.
>
> "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?"

Klinger on MASH!

How many points do I get?

Kate

dml

unread,
Sep 17, 2002, 10:22:33 PM9/17/02
to
"George Johnson" <matr...@voyager.net> wrote in message
news:3d6f8d8a$0$1434$272e...@news.execpc.com...
> "Jef" <jef...@subdimension.comedy> wrote in message
> news:Xns927A68C52524je...@152.10.1.6...
> | I'd just like to establish that even though I am, infact from New
Jersey,
> I
> | do know how to pump my own gas.
> |
> |
> | --
> | Toolmaster Jef Zehnder
> | MSTIE#95033
> | "The only thing that ever made sense to me, is the words to a song
from an
> | American Movie." - Everclear
> | Valid email address is not nearly so funny.
>
> You're kidding right?
>
> Usually the instructions are on the pump. Taking off the gas cap
can be
> a bother, but usually it involves putting the nozzle into the tank
opening
> then squeezing the pump handle until the thing stops pumping (as it
has an
> auto-shutoff).
>
> (((Snip)))


For the more advanced among us, use of the gas cap as a nozzle-locking
mechanism can save time. Most pumps I frequent regrettably have their
trigger-locks broken or not there to begin with. Wedge Fig. A, "gas
cap", into Fig. B, "pump handle" (preferrably while it is *already
inside* your car -- and not the interior!) and you're free to go persue
other master pumping maneuvers. Washing your windshield is a
reccomended first step.


-- Dave

Pocketwatch

unread,
Sep 17, 2002, 10:29:52 PM9/17/02
to
dml wrote:

Okay, that sounds good. But won't washing my windshield with gasoline be
dangerous and a rather expensive way to wash my car or truck?

To...@fred.net

unread,
Sep 18, 2002, 11:11:30 AM9/18/02
to
If my memory serves me correctly, on 13 Sep 2002 14:37:07 -0700, Kate Halleron issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
: To...@Fred.Net wrote in message news:<sGkg9.6$B05....@news.abs.net>...
:>
:> "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?"

: Klinger on MASH!

: How many points do I get?

MASH quotes in ratmm are freebies.

Meanwhile, have a mint or some pepperinos. (3 pts)

The Midnight Rambler

unread,
Sep 18, 2002, 5:35:25 PM9/18/02
to

<To...@Fred.Net> wrote in message news:CI0i9.17$yE....@news.abs.net...

> If my memory serves me correctly, on 13 Sep 2002 14:37:07 -0700, Kate
Halleron issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
> : To...@Fred.Net wrote in message news:<sGkg9.6$B05....@news.abs.net>...
> :>
> :> "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?"
>
> : Klinger on MASH!
>
> : How many points do I get?
>
> MASH quotes in ratmm are freebies.

Ditto Python quotes, Conan quotes, Simpsons quotes, and South Park quotes.

Andrew Perron

unread,
Sep 18, 2002, 6:27:23 PM9/18/02
to
On Wed, 18 Sep 2002 16:35:25 -0500, "The Midnight Rambler"
<wher...@bellsouth.net> wrote:

><To...@Fred.Net> wrote in message news:CI0i9.17$yE....@news.abs.net...
>> If my memory serves me correctly, on 13 Sep 2002 14:37:07 -0700, Kate
>Halleron issued the following challenge to face my invincible Iron Chefs:
>> : To...@Fred.Net wrote in message news:<sGkg9.6$B05....@news.abs.net>...
>> :>
>> :> "Who put gasoline in my gasoline?"
>>
>> : Klinger on MASH!
>>
>> : How many points do I get?
>>
>> MASH quotes in ratmm are freebies.
>
>Ditto Python quotes, Conan quotes, Simpsons quotes, and South Park quotes.

And, oddly enough, quotes from the Bakshi animated version of Lord of
the Rings.

Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, in strange eons, even death may
land on Boardwalk.

{88Keys}

unread,
Sep 19, 2002, 1:20:29 PM9/19/02
to

"Pocketwatch" <Pocke...@wans.net> wrote in message
news:3D87E530...@wans.net...
> dml wrote:

> > trigger-locks broken or not there to begin with. Wedge Fig. A, "gas
> > cap", into Fig. B, "pump handle" (preferrably while it is *already

At first I read that as "pimp handle."

> > inside* your car -- and not the interior!) and you're free to go persue
> > other master pumping maneuvers. Washing your windshield is a
> > reccomended first step.
>
> Okay, that sounds good. But won't washing my windshield with gasoline be
> dangerous and a rather expensive way to wash my car or truck?

Well, it is tricky, but gasoline is good for taking of those pesky bug guts
that have been stuck on there for the last week.

{88Keys}

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