[MiSTing] Chicago Connections, a trio of Skolnick. [Era: Castle] [CONS]
McDLT
left as a series of answering machine style "phone messages" by
Stephen Skolnick on behalf of the Citizens' Committee to Clean
Up the Courts, and later transcribed for the Corruption in
America homepage, which I will be nice and give the URL for if
any other MiSTers want to look over the information there for
their own use (there is more than enough there to keep a dozen
MiSTers set for life (if we got money for this (which we can't
cause then we would be violating copyrights))).
http://www.europa.com/~johnlf/
There, now don't say I never did nothing for ya.
Comments are always appreciated.
These three pieces were originally separate, but were bunched
together under the title "Chicago Connections" on the homepage,
and will thus be presented together for the purposes of this
MiSTing. Sit back, and enjoy.
Just remember you can't believe EVERYTHING you read.
-------------
[Season 10..er..9 Theme]
TWAING!
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ...]
[The SoL bridge. The normal occupants are there, and, well,
they are all dressed rather oddly. To be exact, Mike is
wearing a black leotard, one that appears to have been
designed for a woman, namely because there is a low cut
neck meant to show some cleavage, but which only shows
some chest hair. Also the legs are fishnet stockings.
Tom is wearing a see-through body stocking, and a black
leather bra. Crow is in a black muscle shirt, and is
wearing a stylish flat hat. None seem to be paying
attention that Cambot is on.]
Mike: Come on Babe!
Why don't we
paint the town?
All: And
All
That
Jaaaaaaazz
[They flail around in a manner that may be mistaken for trying
to be feminine and alluring, if it weren't for the fact
they look like a spastic flamingo flanked by two oddly
dressed beer barrels. When they finish up, Mike is
facing the doors, one arm in the air. Tom and Crow try
but come up short. Then Crow notices Cambot]
Crow: Mike? Who turned on Cambot?
Mike: What [turns] Oh! Hey, I'm Mike Nelson, and these are my
two cohorts in crime, Tom Servo
Tom: Check me out!
Mike: This isn't the roll call. And this is Crow T. Robot. You
may very well wonder why we are dressed like this, and
that is a valid question.
Crow: It was all the human's idea!
Tom: We're innocent!
Mike: Anyway, we were all impressed by the recent revival trend
on Broadway, led by Walter Bobbie, and his revival of
the dance review Chicago, so we thought we would give
it a bit of a try ourselves. Unfortunately there are
just the three of us, and Pearl won't let us get the
transcript, so all we can do is that little bit.
[Commercial sign begins to flash]
Mike: Anyway, we'll be right back.
[Mike hits the button]
[Commercials. Oddly enough there is a Chicago commercial,
with real female actresses and everything.]
[Commercials end, return to the SoL bridge, and its
inhabitants who have, oddly, not changed outfits.]
Mike: Are you sure this leotard is seductive enough...oh, we're
back.
[Mads light flashes]
Mike: Oops, Ann Reinking and Kander & Ebb are calling.
[Hits the light]
[Castle Forrester, all stand around.]
Pearl: Hello there Nel--[sees Mike, and cracks up]
Bobo: Nice legs there, Mike.
[SoL]
Mike: Thank, I--hey!
[CF]
Pearl: [Barely restraining herself] What the hell are you doing
up there?
[SoL]
Crow: It wasn't our idea!
Tom: He made us!
Mike: We're doing our revival of Chicago.
[CF]
Pearl: Well, let's see it. I could use a good laugh today
[Off screen, we hear Mike sing the same one verse, while he does
so, the occupants of the castle go through various humorous
and priceless facial expressions that words cannot explain.
At the end, though, they can all be described as "shocked."]
Bobo: YEAH! [Applauds]
Pearl: Well, Mike, that was...deserving of pain. Therefore I will
be sending you not one, not two, but three Stephen Skolnick
[Brief cut to the SoL, all look quite frightened]
Pearl: rants titled Chicago Connections. Enjoy. Or rather, don't.
Brain guy...
[SoL. Buzzers, sirens, and lights]
All: WE HAVE CCCC SIGN!
[Mike attempts to Grand Jeté out of Cambot's way, but we hear a
crash.]
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[The silhouettes move in, Mike is obviously limping.]
Crow: Graceful move, Barishnikoff!
>Skolnick COMMENTARY
Crow: Skolnick, you stink!
Tom: Skolnick is nothing more than a paranoid force able to
find corruption and odd ties anywhere he looks.
Mike: I don't think that was a request.
> #017
Tom: SKOLNICK 3:17!
>========================
Mike: And yet, he has failed to equate ANY value to this
commentary.
>
>[CfD Editor -- I neither necessarily believe nor disbelieve
Crow: In the tooth fairy and Easter Bunny.
>either all or portions of the following.]
Tom: Boy, he's a better cop out artist than Clinton.
Crow: [Clinton] That depends on what your definition of "believe"
is.
>
>[The following is
Crow: A festering pile of garbage.
Mike: Woah, harsh there.
Tom: No, that leotard is harsh.
> a transcript of a recorded phone message
Tom: Of a transcript of a broadcast of a rumor of a report...
> put
>out by a group in Chicago
Mike: Who never really knew what time it was.
> called "Citizens' Committee to Clean Up
Crow: The third stall over in the men's restroom at the United
Center.
Tom: So the CCtCUtTSOitMRatUC?
Mike: Need something for that cough?
>the Courts." (312)
Crow: Spam block!
Mike: It's a phone number.
Crow: Oh...yes, well then we should pull out the asterisks.
Mike: Done, and done.
> ***-**** and (312)
Mike: Now I better not see any calls to the 312 area code showing
up on the bill.
Crow: What bill?
Tom: We don't even have a phone.
Mike: Force of habit.
> ***-****.]
>
>Hi! Sherman
All: HI SHERMIE!
Crow: I doubt the parenting ability of anyone willing to name
their kid "Sherman."
> Skolnick, Citizens' Committee to Clean Up the Courts
Crow: Cause ever since the mass exodus of talent following the
Jordan retirement, the Bull's court has gotten very sloppy.
>[CCCC],
Tom: Welcome to pointless parenthetical aside theater 3000.
> **** South Oglesby.
Tom: Any clue what that means?
Mike: Not a one.
>
>The Clinton scandal:
All: GASP!
Tom: What scandal?
Crow: Why haven't we heard about this?
Mike: A presidential scandal? In this century?
> So you think the center of it is in Little
>Rock, huh?
Tom: The Colin Raye or Reba McEntyre version?
Crow: Rule number 582, if you wish your commentary to be taken
seriously, do not include the word "huh?"
> *Wrong*.
Crow: Wrong?
Tom: Right.
Crow: Oh, right?
Tom: No, wrong.
Crow: Oh, wrong!
Tom: Right!
Mike: That's quite enough of that.
> The center is in Chicago.
Crow: [Skolnick] Cause we're special, cause...cause I say so!
Mike: This sounds like it's going to be another stunning Skolnick
exposé.
>
>For several years,
Tom: I have been laughed at, but you believe me, don't you Mr.
Telephone. I know I can trust you, but don't let anyone
else know what I'm going to tell you today, hehe, it's a
secret!
> the primary lawyers for Resolution Trust
>Corporation [RTC]
Mike: Determined that 300 dpi is perfect for all your text based
needs.
> have been the Chicago-based Hopkins and Sutter.
>In fact,
Crow: Oh, damn, how did this fact get in here?
> the S&L bailout agency's principal offices have been
>*inside* Hopkins and Sutter!
Tom: That sounds a bit painful...
Mike: Yes, Hopkins and Sutter, we eat bailouts offices for
BREAKFAST!
>
>Prior efforts to show RTC is corrupt have been torpedoed.
Crow: But I am incapable of learning from past mistakes, so
here goes...
> Hopkins
>[and Sutter]
Tom: So Sutter has gone from secondary bidding to mere
parenthetical aside?
> were the ones arranging
Mike: Flowers?
Crow: [Monty Python Gumby] FIRST you take a bunch of flowers, then
you arrange them in a vase! Get in the vase, GET IN THE VASE!
> on behalf of Federal Deposit
>Insurance and their step-sister
Tom: Who never let the FDIC go to the ball.
> RTC for the Rose law firm to be
Mike: Called by any other name.
>used to handle clean-up claims of defunct S&Ls
Tom: Steak and Lemons
Mike: Socks and Leiderhosen
Crow: Streisand and Lockjaw.
Mike and Tom: Ohhhhh...
> in the Chicago
>area.
Crow: Since, after all, Chicago is the center of the universe.
Tom: I'm surprised that Skolnick doesn't write off other so-
called "locations" as just vast cover-ups and conspiracies.
>
>Rose partners Vincent Foster, jr., and Hillary Rodham Clinton
Crow: I would do one of my patented "Saaaay"s, but I don't
really want to think about that.
>were the "law fakers" helping friends escape paying millions.
Tom: And I shall no go further, and actually justify my
accusation.
Mike: Did you forget who it is we're reading?
Crow: Yeah, what's the fun of making allegations if you have
to then do research and prove their validity.
>Foster was also the master "bagman"
Crow: Roaming the streets of Chicago, often earning as much as
three bucks a day.
> for tens of millions of
>dollars of illegal speculations in Chicken futures
[Some restrained chuckles]
Tom: Not realizing that chickens have very little future, short
of getting their head lobbed off, and then running around
lie a, well... Gee, I can't think of a good analogy here
without using the cliché.
Mike: Sure ain't a hell of a lot speculation, though.
> and "selling
>short"
Crow: And "pulling out" before the "stocks" could reach "full
potential."
Mike: No more quotation marks for you.
> pharmaceutical stocks on inside information.
Tom: That statement would have been a bit off with a few quotation
marks too.
> This was done
>for a circle of law-license gangsters,
Crow: [New York Gangster voice] Yo, cause if you come messin' in
our hood, we gonna have to bust a lien on yo butt!
> like Hillary and her
>friends,
Tom: Ellen and Anne.
Mike: Tom! I can't believe you would suggest that!
Crow: I can't believe Skolnick hasn't
Tom: Well, it wouldn't directly relate with Chicago.
> dealing
Mike: Without a full deck.
> with the selected, criminally-inclined types on
>the Chicago Mercantile Exchange
Crow: Does the word "mercantile" strike either of you as just
funny in and of itself.
Mike: Well, kind of, yeah.
Tom: Hey, it does. Who knew?
Crow: Probably the Chicago...MERCANTILE Exchange.
All: [crack up]
> and the Chicago Board Options
>Exchange.
Tom: They're always open! Get it, Options, open...aw forget it.
> (By the way, Did they "rub elbows"
Crow: [British] Eh..."rub elbows" know what I mean, winkwink,
nudgenudge!
> with relatives of
>state and federal judges "washing" bribe money in the same
>markets!?)
Tom: YES! NO! Could you repeat the question.
Mike: Well, as long as the bribe money is nice and clean.
>
>Foster's
Crow: Australian for Beer!
Mike: Too easy.
> vast dirty
Mike: Bribes. Remember to keep your bribes clean!
Tom: This brought to you from the Money Laundering Council.
> business in drug stocks
Tom: Really? I didn't know that NASDAQ allowed those kinds of
things.
Mike: [Financial reporter] Marijuana was up four and five
sixteenths in brisk trading, while cocaine fell a point and
a half. LSD held steady in light trading.
> overlapped the doings
>of Al Gore and his wife, Tipper,
Crow: Tipper? I hardly know her!
> and her cousin, Michael R.
>Taylor,
Tom: And Al's second cousin, and Tipper's college roommate's
step sister, and her aunt's best friend's cousin's half-
brother.
> who went on to become a top honcho of the Food and Drug
>Administration. Gore, of course, became Vice-President.
Mike: Did he now. We did not know this.
Tom: Well, you have to remember that most of Skolnick's
followers know almost nothing except for what he tells
them.
Mike: Wow. Those guys would be scarier than Dittoheads.
>
>Two federal agencies, the CFTC
Mike: Chicken futures trading coalition.
Tom: Citizen's Foundation for Taxing Congress.
Crow: Cigar fornication through Clinton.
> [Chicago Futures Trading
>Commission] and the SEC
Tom: Isn't that a collegiate athletic conference?
Mike: Well, with his wide range of characters in these rants,
it's just a matter of time before the NCAA is dragged in.
> [Securities Exchange Commission]
Tom: It's interesting that Skolnick leaves all the acronym
explanation to the transcriber. Does he just think he
can impress people by babbling random acronyms with no
expounding on the meaning of the letters, or the
jurisdiction of the organization?
> are
>supposed to investigate such events. *Oh, yeah?!*
Tom: [Skolnick] Not now, Monica, I'm on the phone.
Crow: [Skolnick] Oh yeah, wanna make something of it, I'll take
you all on!
Mike: [Ray Charles] You got the Skolnick, baby.
Bots: Oh yeah!
> They and the
>press fakers
Tom: Not to be confused with the *law* fakers.
> all look the other way so that two *known*
>scoundrels could be elected to high office.
Mike: Steve Martian and Michael Caine?!
> The President and the
>Vice-President are blackmailed by *their patrons*,
Tom: Doesn't Skolnick have that mixed up?
Mike: You think it's true either way?
Tom: No, but this way is so out of character.
> the ultra-
>rich.
Crow: Cause nowadays, being rich just doesn't cut it!
>
>Some $47 million is missing resulting from the Arkansas S&L mess
Tom: Yeah, there was a spill, and they were all over the place.
>and other fakery by the Clintons.
Mike: Fakery and shenanigans. That sounds much cooler than "High
crimes and misdemeanors."
> To try to patch it up,
Crow: They got a whole mess of Duct Tape.
Tom: Is there nothing Duct Tape can't fix?
Mike: Sometimes I use it instead of Kleenex.
Crow: I pack my leftovers in it before sticking them in the
freezer.
Tom: Sometimes I like to just lay a bunch of it on the floor,
sticky side up, and just roll in it.
Mike: Yes, Duct Tape!
> some $50
>million from an RTC contingency fund, *in Chicago*,
Tom: In case you have forgotten what we are talking about.
> was secretly
>transferred to Little Rock.
>
>One of the lawyers arranging this is from Park Ridge, the Chicago
>suburb where the Rodhams are from.
Mike: And if that random fact doesn't convince you, I don't know
what will.
> He is John E. Gearham(?),
Crow: Quite some fact checking.
Tom: Is he asking us?
Mike: It's the Mad Libs conspiracy special. Let's see, for this
blank they want "Name of a conspirator."
> 708-
>xxx-xxxx.
Tom: So then 999-9999?
Mike: Actually, I think the transcriber took it out to keep from
being sued.
> He is close to Hillary's family.
Crow: VEEERY close.
> In January '94,
>Gearham, in the presence of
Tom: Forty trained acrobats.
> a former client, confessed to our
>chairman [CCCC]
Tom: Same difference.
Crow: Since they are, of course, such a highly regarded
organization.
Mike: Well, it's a smart move. Confess to Skolnick, and when
he spreads the word, no one will believe it.
Tom: Is he implying the chairman's name is CCCC?
> that Gearham was greatly concerned that his
>circle was prepared to "frame" him
Tom: Which is odd, since most frames are rectangle.
Crow: This is beginning to sound like he's going to work in
the Illuminati.
> for the clandestine money
>transfer and send him to prison!
Mike: [Leslie Neilson] Yes, if he wants to be doing any more
clandestine money transferring, he'll have to do it in
the state pen.
> The "fix" is so strong,
Tom: That my dentures will hold all day, even when I eat an
apple!
> he
>confessed further, that nothing could save him!
Mike: Don't tell the Jehovah's Witnesses that, they'll take it
as a personal challenge.
>
>The RTC fund is the subject of some *eight*
Crow: Pointless rants.
Tom: Is there a good reason for "eight" to be emphasized like
that?
Mike: I think it's the transcriber taking liberties.
> state and federal
>cases in the Chicago area, known as "The Joseph Androcetti(sp?)
Tom: What an odd name. Is "sp" like "jr." or "sr.?"
>Affair."
>
>Filed in federal court (and a copy served on
Mike: A bed of rice, with a tangy orange sauce.
> Gearham and the
>RTC's attorneys)
Mike: Well, that sounds quite less appetizing.
> are the particulars of Gearham's confession.
Tom: So all of the solids that settled to the bottom of the
confession?
Mike: No, that would be the particulate.
>When it came up in court,
Crow: Saaaaaay...
Mike: No Crow.
Crow: Come on, let a bot have some fun.
> they did not dispute it.
Tom: And it did nothing to help John's lawsuit against Lorena.
>
>We remind you why Chicago is the best place
Mike: The Sears Tower.
Tom: Lincoln.
Crow: [Chris Farley] DA Bears.
> for the "big fix" --
Tom: And since Skolnick happens to live in Chicago, the entire
universe of political corruption must revolve around it.
>like used by the Clintons.
Crow: Does he think that repetition is going to help his
credibility?
> Remember:
Mike: Only YOU can prevent Sherman Skolnick.
> The currency and commodity
>markets are here;
Tom: Making them the Chicken futures capital of America.
> preferred for "washing" bribery money by
>government officials worldwide.
Crow: Is it me, or did this whole thing just loop back around
to the beginning.
Mike: This is all so stream of consciousness that I feel quite
waterlogged.
> The news media here are the
>biggest liars in the land,
Tom: Hello, this is CBS news tonight, I am Joe Isuzu.
> with a *long* background of
>criminality --
Crow: Just last week 60 Minutes showed a tape of Peter Jennings
ripping the tags of SEVERAL mattresses.
Mike: Well, after the Jack Kevorkian video, things could only go
downhill.
> like the [Chicago] Tribune Company
Tom: Oh, I thought the Chicago based *Detroit* Tribune Company
would be implicated.
> with their
>links all the way back to Al Capone.
Crow: Not to mention Kevin Bacon.
> *And* it's been documented
>for more than 30 years the state and federal judges here are
>moreso "for sale" than any other place in the land!
Tom: [Used car salesman] And at these prices, who can blame
them. We can't keep them on the lot. I must be CRAZY
for offering these prices!
Crow: Gee, if things are so corrupt, I think a group of citizens
should set up a committee to demand the courts be cleaned
UP.
>
>In Chicago, see us on cable tv,
Mike: Well, cable is a bit of a stretch, more like Community
Access television.
Crow: [Wayne] SKOLNICK'S WORLD! SKOLNICK'S WORLD!
> channel 21, 9 pm [cst] most
>Monday evenings.
Tom: Unless Macramé with Martha runs long.
>
>Play it again:
Mike: [singing] You must remember this/ A kiss is still a kiss
A sigh is still a sigh...
> The Corruption of Al Gore. (***) ***-****.
Tom: [singing] 6. 3. 4. 5. 7. 8. 9.
>
>New message Friday; we change it several times a week.
Crow: Whenever we get our hands on the good acid, then the
conspiracies begin to appear.
>
>Donations appreciated.
Tom: Don't hold your breath.
> Citizen's Committee to Clean Up the
>Courts, **** South Oglesby, Chicago, [Illinois]
Mike: Though if you don't know where Chicago is, I doubt you
could grasp the intricacies of sending a donation.
> 60617. For the
>latest on courts, banks, espionage agencies, political
>assassinations,
Crow: Did you realize that George Bush was the man on the grassy
knoll?
> and the news media. On 24 hours a day.
Mike: One down, and time for a breather.
>
[Mike picks up Tom, and they all file out]
>
>
>
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[SoL bridge. There is an Italian restaurant tablecloth (red and
white check) over the counter, and a lot of food piled
up. Mike and the bots are sitting around in windbreakers
and baseball caps that say "CCCC." All of this skit will
be done in heavy Chicago accents.]
Mike: Oh, hi. Welcome to the show. Usually we would be
discussing the Bulls...
Bots: DA Bulls
Mike: Right now, but we're all rather depressed at the current
season.
Tom: [On the brink of tears] DA B-b-b-b-bulls.
Mike: So instead the topic is our native son.
All: SKOOOOOLnick.
Tom: Yes, Skolnick (SKOOOLnick), who is finding all the corruption
that runs rampant in Chicago.
[The group sits for a moment quiet, before Mike leans over to
whisper to Crow]
Mike: Crow...that's your heart attack cue.
Crow: I...I can't do it. It's just too painful. CHRIS! COME
BACK.
Tom: It wasn't very funny anyway, Mike.
Mike: But I went through all this work!
Tom: Let it go Mike.
Crow: [Quietly sobs]
Mike: How come the segments I create always fall apart?
[A few moments of silence, broken only by Crow sobbing. Eventually
the yellow light flashes.]
Mike: We'll be right back.
[Planet buffer]
[Commercials]
[Theater. The trio is already seated]
>Skolnick
Tom: The freshmaker!
> COMMENTARY #018
Crow: Does that make him legal now?
Mike: I hope not.
>========================
Mike: [Sings] Ohhhh, I'm a-drivin' mah life away...
>
>[CfD Editor -- I neither necessarily believe nor disbelieve
>either all or portions of the following.]
Mike: All rights reserved, offer void in Oklahoma and Nebraska,
tax, tags, and titles not included. Always remember to
buckle up.
>
>[The following is a transcript of a recorded phone message put
>out by a
Tom: NUT!
> group in Chicago called "Citizens' Committee to Clean Up
>the Courts." (312) ***-**** and (312) ***-****.]
Tom: Does he really think we would call them?
Crow: [On a phone he has just pulled on camera] Uh huh...REALLY?
That is fascinating.
Mike: Give me that! [grabs the receiver, and begins to listen]
Really! Wow! I can't believe he got away with that...
>
>Hi! Sherman
All: HI, SHERMIE!
Mike: I hope we never tire of that joke.
Crow: Or the way we respond to it.
> Skolnick, Citizens' Committee to Clean Up the Courts
>[CCCC], **** South Oglesby.
Tom: 9800? See that has never made sense.
Mike: Well, I'm glad the author went through the trouble of
asterisking it out like that if you're just going to go
breaking the fourth wall.
>
>Chicago's
Crow: The center of the known universe, yeah yeah.
Tom: He started that one out early.
> City Hall is an interesting study in power.
Mike: Taking many gigawatts a day to run all the computers and
electric lighting.
> It is even
>considered important by those not *in* the "Windy City" [i.e.
>Chicago].
Tom: In case you had forgotten what this transcript was about in
the last paragraph.
Crow: So, then the author is assuming we are idiots?
Mike: Well, you cater to your reading audience.
Crow: Wow, that's a cut down almost worth of me.
>
>Starting in 1955,
Mike: Oh boy, we're in for the long haul today.
> the city's strong man
Crow: So then Chicago is just a big circus freak show.
Tom: [Al Borland] And you can write to Crow T. Robot care of...
> for 21 years was Richard
Mike: If he says Nixon, I'm leaving, Pearl be damned.
>J. Daley. He got into office because
Crow: He got the majority of the popular vote.
Tom: How dare he?
> the one slated by the
>Democrats for mayor, Clarence Wagner, was assassinated.
Mike: By the Pope, since it was discovered that Wagner was a
threat to his banks in America.
>
>You probably know there is no real G.O.P. [i.e. Republican party]
Crow: We are assumed to know there is no GOP in Chicago, but they
also assume we don't know what GOP means? I'm getting mixed
signals from this one.
>in this town. So usually, if the Democrats select you to run...
Tom: No one will be admitted during the pointless ellipse.
>well, you're in.
Crow: Deeeeeeep s--
Mike: CROW!
>In 1976,
Mike: The nation's spirits needed boosting, so one HELL of a
bicentennial was thrown, complete will tall ships.
> Daley died --
Tom: And there is the flat-line to prove it.
> 24 hours after he was administered an
>adulterated swine flu shot.
Crow: So it was a shot meant to keep a pig who had been
unfaithful to its marriage vows from getting the flu. No
wonder it turned fatal.
> Daley, and Otto Kerner, jr.,
Tom: I can't handle all the punctuation!
Mike: [Transcriber] I know this sentence is supposed to have
this punctuation, I guess I can just throw them in
wherever.
> ran a
>private "nuthouse"
Crow: Please, they prefer to refer to themselves as the House of
Representatives.
> near Aurora [Illinois].
Tom: As if any other state would be mentioned?
> Kerner, as local
>county judge,
Mike: Was, due to an outdated state constitution, entitled to
three fattened pigs and a jug of moonshine each month.
> was in charge of the "lunatic docket."
Crow: Please, "House Judiciary Committee."
> Political
>victims sometimes ended up getting plundered this way.
Tom: They must have been put in the same cell with that burly
guy named "Peaches."
> Kerner
>went on to become Illinois Governor and later,
Mike: Happyville Funny Farm.
Crow: Mike, they prefer the term Senate.
> federal appeals
>judge.
Mike: Next best thing.
> (Our work [i.e. CCCC],
Tom: At this point I wish the author would just keep his asides
to himself.
> by the way, sent Kerner to jail for
>bribery --
Mike: Of course, it was THEIR bribes.
> highest ranking such federal judicial jailbird in
>history.)
>
>Daley's son Richie
Mike: Cunningham.
Tom: [Fonz] Ehhh!
> sat in the state legislature specializing,
Crow: In his patented Martinis.
>naturally, in mental health laws
All: Naturally!
> -- to favor his family asylum.
Tom: [50s announcer] Yes, now you two can take comfort in owning
YOUR very own asylum!
>Richie later became
Mike: A multimillionaire director of such movies as Apollo 13.
> Cook County State's Attorney. [Chicago is in
>Cook County.]
Crow: Random geography lesson theater 3000.
> In that role, he covered up massive probate fraud.
Tom: Because glory be if there be an honest politician.
>
>Example: Former city fire commissioner
Mike: Wow, that takes the phrase "corruption at all levels of
government" to a ridiculous extreme.
> Quinn was laying in the
>hospital, "bombed out." [i.e. very drunk]
Mike: i.e. plastered
Tom: Grogged
Crow: Flattened
Mike: Laid out
Tom: Inebriated
Crow: Sloshed
All: And smashed!
> The Daleys pushed into
>service a pliable nurse
Crow: Saaaaaay...
> who helped shove a paper under Quinn's
>nose.
Mike: No! Not Kleenex!
> (The Daleys had a supply of such medical malefactors from
>their private padded-cell factory [i.e. the asylum in Aurora].)
Tom: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! No one needs your damned parenthetical
asides! There is no need to patronize us as though we are
MORONS!
Mike: Calm down, it's just a set of square brackets, it can't hurt
you.
>Thus signed over to the Daley family was some $300,000,
Crow: Unfortunately, all in Confederate bills.
> with
>Richie's brother Michael
Tom: Ah, the long lost brother that vanished during the first
season.
> named as probate executor.
Mike: Well, now all he needs to be is jury...cause you see, he's
now judge and executor...oh forget it.
> Some cousins,
>however, got gypped [i.e. they were "cheated"]
Crow: Scammed, swindled, taken to the cleaners, shook down, turned
out, taken for all they were worth.
Tom: Yes, thank you oh GREAT transcriber for explaining the phrase
"gypped"...now, would you please explain the phrase BITE ME!
Crow: I thought that was my line.
> and told a court
>reformer all the sordid details.
Mike: Monica?
>
>When maverick mayor Harold Washington was murdered in '87 with a
>poisoned cup of coffee, uh -- who covered it up?
Tom: Yes, here is the chance for you at home to play along, as
we as Who Covered It Up?
Crow: See, he gets going into this great phone rant, hits a tempo,
and then hits the wall. It's really sad to see.
> Why, naturally,
>State's Attorney Richie Daley.
All: Naturally!
Mike: Whenever _I_ need someone killed, I ALWAYS turn to my
State's Attorney.
> Thus "snuffed out"
Crow: (i.e. killed)
Tom: Oh don't you start!
> was Chicago's
>first black mayor.
>
>And so, father like son, Richie became mayor by murder.
Mike: In this WACKY new sitcom, Mayor in the First Degree!
> He
>carried over police superintendent LeRoy Martin.
Crow: Remember that, kiddies, it will be important to the plot
later.
Tom: Plot?
> And, with Martin
>and Daley,
Mike: I always thought the show was better with Rowan working with
Martin.
Tom: [Nixon] Sock it to me.
> Chicago became an open city for dope.
Crow: Hence, Skolnick.
Tom: Great, the transcriber left off the 's'.
> Police cars even
>gave safe escort to whole truckloads of dope on the way to a
>police-protected warehouse.
Mike: Instead of playing "Which frame does she die," I say we play
"Which paragraph does Skolnick's momentum lead him into the
land of fiction."
> Dope money laundries included car
>washes,
Tom: Ma'am, would you mid if we stick these 20s under your wiper
blades before you go through?
> taverns, and certain auto repair shops.
Crow: All the normal places one launders money.
>
>About 1992, a special federal grand jury began "sniffing around."
Crow: (i.e. investigating wrong doings)
Tom: [fumes a bit, but is unable to say anything]
>Unable to feel safe *here*, the grand jury met in *Milwaukee*
>instead!
All: GASP!
Crow: He mentioned someplace other than Chicago or Illinois!
Tom: Yes, there is a Federal Grand Jury in Milwaukee, but they
MUST be investigating Chicago, since there is nothing else
but Chicago.
> In on the dirty business,
Crow: Weren't we dealing with car wash owners awhile ago?
> local federal officials
>stopped the works.
Mike: And just got extra cheese instead.
> Why?
Tom: I don't know, but I'm sure you're going to tell us.
> Well, that was going too far.
Crow: What, and murder by coffee cup wasn't?
> They were
>about to indict the former police superintendent *and* his co-
>conspirator, Richie Daley.
Crow: See, I told you it would come up again!
> Instead, the crooked federals
Mike: Walked a crooked mile.
> framed
>two "collectors" for City Hall:
Tom: So, they're panhandling?
> Richard R. Reynolds, sr., a
>veteran cop, and his sidekick,
Crow: Erik Estrada.
> Leonard Kerr(?).
Mike: And there's that stellar fact checking again.
Tom: So is he admitting he's making this up.
Crow: I can see why this method is so popular. [Poirot] And
ze murderer, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is...the butler?
>
>Chicago federal trial judge Wayne Anderson
Mike: No relation to Night Court judge Harry Anderson.
> is in a position
Crow: You know, in these Skolnick rants, it's just not worth it.
> to
>know the truth.
Tom: But isn't in a position to handle it.
> That could put Richie [Daley] in prison.
Mike: Leaving Potsie in charge.
Crow: If you want to be taken seriously in politics, don't use
cute nicknames. I'm sure that "Richie Nixon" would never
have gotten elected.
> *But* --
Tom: Poignant point.
>if the judge even thinks, however, of doing the right thing...
Mike: He will be swept into the world of 1984 where thinking is
a crime by itself.
>well, this town might have another unsolved political
>assassination -- like *him*!
Tom: [snickering] I just love the emphasis and odd phrases that
this guy throws in. Almost makes this stuff palatable.
>
>Meanwhile, Richie's wife is money hungry.
Crow: And that's not all...RROWRL!
> "Why can't you make
>really *big* loot?! -- like brother Bill,
Tom: Graham?
Mike: Gates?
Crow: Bradley?
> running the dope and
>money laundering Amalgamated Bank, huh?"
Tom: I would love to see him verify THAT quote!
Mike: Running the dope, eh? Too bad I can't think of any non-
political jokes here.
> Richie's wife insists
>[that] he not run for re-election in 1995.
>
>So.
Crow: [Skolnick] Do YOU remember what I was going to say next?
> Do you think this all is just true of Chicago? Wrong.
Tom: But to hell with those other places.
> Other
>big cities are about the same.
Mike: Which I'm sure he plans to now back up with hard evidence.
>
>In Chicago,
Mike: Or not.
> see us on cable tv,
Crow: Everywhere else, see us in your nightmares!
> channel 21, 9 pm [cst] most
>Monday evenings.
Tom: This week, join us for our annual movie picks.
>
>Play it again: The Crooked Chief Federal Appeals Judge Here.
Mike: We find it is easier on the organization to keep the
corruption right in the office.
>(312) ***-****.
>
>New message Friday; we change it several times a week.
Tom: No need to threaten us!
>
>Donations appreciated.
Crow: My guess is they would have a heart attack if someone
actually DID send them something.
> Citizen's Committee to Clean Up the
>Courts, **** South Oglesby, Chicago, [Illinois]
Tom: Yes, let's sneak in ONE more aside before we go, shall
we?
> 60617. For the
>latest on courts, banks, espionage agencies, political
>assassinations,
Crow: And a nutty fruit snack recipe.
Mike: Let's go, I think Tom needs a chance to work through this.
> and the news media. On 24 hours a day.
[They all get up to leave]
>
>
>
>
[6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... ...]
[SoL bridge. Everyone looks normal. Gypsy is present]
Mike: Well, I think it's a good way to work through your
anger.
Tom: Alright, I'll try it.
Mike: Hi, we're going to be working through Tom's anger at
all the inane parenthetical asides in this piece by
having an episode of P.A. theater. Tom will be doing
my asides, and Crow will do Gypsy's. Places.
[Everyone leaves the frame, then Mike and Gypsy come towards
each other, flanked by their aide-de-camps]
Mike: Hi, Gypsy.
Tom: [Robot]
Gypsy: Hi, Mike.
Crow: [Nelson, the human]
Mike: How are you feeling?
Tom: [Gypsy]
Gypsy: Great! Did I tell you
Crow: [Mike]
Gypsy: that my
Crow: [Gypsy's]
Gypsy: brother from Oklahoma City
Crow: [Oklahoma]
Gypsy: is planning to visit the Satellite?
Crow: [Of Love]
Mike: Neat! I like Oklahoma City.
Tom: [Oklahoma]
Mike: My brother lives in Tulsa
Tom: [Oklahoma]
Mike: so we swing by Oklahoma City
Tom: [Oklahoma]
Mike: whenever I visit.
Tom: [his brother]
Crow: [in Tulsa]
Tom: [Oklahoma] You're right, Mike, this
Crow: [Parenthetical Aside theater]
Tom: Is, ah, fun...
Mike: OK, we're done, Crow.
Crow: [T. Robot]
Tom: Uh oh, Mike
Crow: [Nelson]
Tom: I think we took Crow
Crow: [T. Robot]
Tom: over the brink!
Mike: Could we have inadvertently succeeded where Pearl
Crow: [Forrester]
Mike: could not?
Tom: I have a thought.
Crow: [Which would be a first]
Tom: Follow my lead. [louder] Gee, I guess Crow like sounding
like the Transcriber.
Crow: [Of Sk-sk-skolnick]
Mike: Well, the transcriber
Crow: [Of Sk----olnick]
Mike: Is a personal hero of Crow
Crow: [T. ERK!] Woah, thanks guys.
[The lights go off]
ALL: WE HAVE [SKOLNICK] SIGN!!
[1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... ...]
[Theater, Mike and the Bots take up their seats.]
Mike: Wow, light at the end of the tunnel.
>Skolnick COMMENTARY #019
Tom: The World Isn't Enough?
Mike: Huh?
Tom: Oh, wait, that's James Bond #19.
>========================
Crow: Yes, they are lining up to escape the commentary...
>
>[CfD Editor -- I neither necessarily believe nor disbelieve
>either all or portions of the following.]
Mike: Any originals?
Tom: Nope, I think we used them all in the first two parts.
>
>[The following is
Tom: Not suggested for human consumption.
Crow: Or bot consumption.
> a transcript of a recorded phone message put
>out by a group in Chicago called "Citizens' Committee to Clean Up
>the Courts." (312) ***-**** and (312) ***-****.]
Mike: I've added those numbers to my prank call speed dial.
Tom: But what's the point of prank calling a recording?
Mike: Well, ah...
Crow: Leave things like this to the experts, Mike.
>
>Hi! Sherman
All: HI SHERMIE!
Crow: No, still no appeal lost there.
> Skolnick, Citizens' Committee to Clean Up the Courts
>[CCCC], **** South Oglesby.
Tom: Yup, I have a feeling he ogles a lot of things!
>
>On the business and financial level, there really is no
>difference between democrats and republicans.
Crow: Except for Reagonomics.
Mike: Ah yes, the joys of voodoo economics.
Tom: Nope, don't see many democrats suggesting spending
money makes money.
> They all scratch
>each other's back. As a center of power,
Crow: The government center in DC.
Tom: The economic powerhouse of Wall Street.
> Chicago is a good
>example.
Mike: You guys are trying to apply logic again.
>
>Although not a city employee,
Crow: I like to hang around City Hall, makes me feel all
powerful.
> Jeremiah Joyce
Tom: I knew these posts had a certain Joyce feel to them.
> reportedly has an
>unmarked office in City Hall.
Crow: Reports that I will now substantiate with fact after cold
hard fact!
> He's more powerful than Chicago
>mayor Richie Daley.
Mike: Able to leap City Hall in a single bound!
> Joyce and Daley reportedly own Glenrock
>Company (Northlake, Illinois, Brookfield, Wisconsin, and
>Indianapolis, Indiana).
Tom: But since none of these cities is Chicago, let's not pay
attention to them. Ohh, CHICAGO!
> They distribute construction supplies of
>chemicals and GE [General Electric] sealants.
Crow: Of course, what mayor doesn't run a secret SEALANT COMPANY?
Tom: I know I'm not supposed to read too deeply into this, but
all of these accusations without backup hurt my dome!
>
>Whether democrat or republican, state contractors in Wisconsin,
Mike: Funny, I never thought that contracting was such a polotical
game.
>Indiana, and Illinois *know* they have to buy their supplies from
>Glenrock,
Tom: The Reform Part contractors, though, are up the creek.
> such as -- tens of millions of dollars of curing
>compounds
Crow: Ointments?
> for pouring cement and wire mesh for state highways;
Mike: And one pours wire mesh how?
>materials for parking lots, airport runways, bridges and
>buildings;
Tom: What kind of materials does one need for a parking lot
other than concrete?
> such as sealants for windows, joints, masonry and
>other construction;
Crow: Yes, I see, it all focuses around the sealants. It all
makes sense now!
> waterproofing and weatherproofing
Mike: And Skolnick-proofing.
> for a long
>list of construction applications.
Tom: Plus salad toppings.
Mike: Window cleaners.
Crow: Deodorant.
Tom: Dandruff shampoo.
Mike: Skin exfoliant.
Crow: Plus floor wax AND dessert topping!
>
>Since the state contractors buy their own supplies from Glenrock
>Company to fulfill a state contract, well,
Tom: Ah, so they also have to buy their boring machines from
Glenrock?
Crow: And I would think Skolnick had the boring market cornered.
> Glenrock's name does
>generally not show in public records.
Mike: In other words, he can't prove what he's saying, but its not
HIS fault!
> Well of course, Richie
>Daley and his reputed business partner,
Tom: Key words like "reputed" and "alleged" make everything in
this so much more believable.
> Jeremiah Joyce, like this
>secretive nature of doing things.
>
>The popular press avoided mentioning the business interests of
>Richie's father, Richard J. Daley, when he was mayor for 21
>years.
Tom: POPULAR press, no. Skolnick, yes!
> *And* they avoid saying a single word about Richie's
>financial interests.
Crow: [Skolnick] Though that doesn't mean they don't exist! Just
ignore that major news conglomerate over there, and ignore
the man behind the curtain!
>
>A natural question is, Do state highway contractors and such give
>"kickbacks," huh?
Crow: Once again, we find Skolnick's favorite word..."Huh?"
Tom: So that's a natural question?
Mike: Sure! Who am I? Why am I here? Do contractors give kickbacks,
huh?
> Well, some think so. Well why else does their
>firm, Glenrock Company, seem to be favored by contractors?
Tom: Has it ever occurred to him that Glenrock might just offer
superior products at lower prices, and that capitalist
theory suggests that those are the companies that will do
the best in the market place?
> Since
>they distribute items such as GE sealants,
Crow: He REALLY needs to get over these sealants!
> you can see why NBC --
>owned by General Electric [GE] -- is silent about all this.
Tom: That or they realize THERE'S NO NEWS IN SEALANTS!
Mike: Alright, lets just calm down and forget the sealants.
> GE
>also heavily finances so-called "public t.v." such as channel 11
>[PBS] in Chicago.
Crow: If he pulls a Falwell, and drags Tinky Winky into this, I'm
leaving.
Mike: I think we can all back you there.
>
>And, some raise dark questions about where the money came from
>for Joyce and Daley to be in such a tremendous business.
Tom: Cause no buisnessman could have become independantly
wealthy in a capitalist system without some dark doings,
right? Gee, in the spirit of Skolnick, where's HUAC when
you need it?
Mike: I think that's getting a bit carried away.
> Joyce's
>son was tied to dope king
All: Newt Gingrich???
> John Kempis(?). Two of "junior's" [i.e.
>Joyce's son] friends were murdered. Kempis might have escaped
>prosecution
Tom: Except he left bloody gloves at the scene of the crime, and
a trail of DNA all the way back to his country club home.
The jury had no alternative, of course, but to find him not
guilty,
> -- except he put out a murder contract on Joyce's
>son.
Crow: Mike? How is this supposed to explain why Glenrock has so
much money.
Mike: Oh, I think he has long forgotten Glenrock. I'd be surprised
if he even mentions it again.
> Thereafter, the highly political and corrupt federal
>prosecutor in Chicago sprung into action,
Tom: Right after his morning nap.
Crow: Agent Action II: Chicago Prosecution!
> publicizing Kempis'
>dope trafficking and putting him in jail.
Mike: [Leslie Nielson] Cause if Kempis wants to do any more
trafficking, he'll have to do it in the state pen!
Tom: [Chief] Right along with Gearham.
>
>Knowledgeable law enforcement people
Crow: We're stumped by the odd chain of events that apparently had
nothing to do with capable law enforcement.
> contend that Richie Daley &
>Co. are the apex of the dope business,
Tom: Or just the apex of dopes, it's still being debated.
> *and* are "untouchable"
Crow: Eliot Ness drives up to the headquarters of Glenrock.
>because they have plugged into big business, whether republican
>or democrat.
Tom: I still fail to see THAT connection.
Mike: Does that imply you see the other ones?
>
>About March, 1992, took place a strange event.
Crow: Ah, he has finally been reduced to utter incoherence.
Tom: I don't think I should even try to parse that.
> A powerful,
>sophisticated bomb was discovered under the floor, of the 5th
>floor, in Chicago's City Hall.
Tom: We need a powerful bomb at 9800.
Mike: Let's not get homicidal here.
> That's where the mayor's office
>is.
All: NO!
Mike: They mayor's office is at city hall?
> It was described as a "triple-trigger type [bomb],"
Tom: And it starts again. Two sentences, and the transcriber
thinks we will have forgotten it's a bomb we're discussing.
> perfected
>years ago by the Germans and hard to de-fuse.
Crow: Much like the German's themselves.
> News editors here
>knew about this event, but suppressed it.
Mike: Cause we know how much news shows hate stories about bombs.
They usually only ramble on for 2 hours if a bomb is found
anywhere in the known galaxy.
> Risking much bloodshed,
>Daley did not inform his City Hall employees to "clear out"
>[evacuate the building]
Tom: Oh, thanks, I thought it might have something to do with
Clearasil!
> during the dangerous period when the bomb
>was being de-activated.
Crow: So all in all there is no real proof of this bomb?
Mike: None that he's shown.
>
>Now some think that all of this was a warning by some financial
>group trying to "muscle in" on Daley and super honcho, Jeremiah
>Joyce.
Tom: Nope.
Crow: Not me.
Mike: I don't.
Tom: So is he going to tell us what it REALLY was then?
>
>Tell the news-fakers to stop kidding us that there's a difference
>between the democrats and the republicans.
Crow: Oh, is THAT what this was all about, I couldn't tell.
Mike: It might have helped to then tell us the party affiliation
of the people involved in this rant?
Tom: The exact reason he didn't give us this information.
>
>In Chicago, see us on cable tv,
Mike: Or we will send some very large men out to pay you a little
"visit."
> channel 21, 9 pm [cst] most
>Monday evenings.
Tom: Right after Kids in the Hall.
>
>Play it again: More about the corruption of Richie Daley and his
>family; (312) ***-****.
>
>New message Saturday; we change it several times a week.
>
>Donations appreciated.
Mike: I'll give you a donation if you DON'T change the message.
How's that sound?
> Citizen's Committee to Clean Up the
>Courts,
Crow: WERE the courts mentioned?
> **** South Oglesby, Chicago, [Illinois] 60617. For the
>latest on courts, banks, espionage agencies, political
>assassinations,
Tom: Gardening tips,
Mike: How-to guides,
Crow: Beautiful floral arrangements,
> and the news media.
Tom: OK, now that's what we call a subject, now you need
a verb, and a predicate.
> On 24 hours a day.
Tom: Why do I bother?
>
Mike: I don't know. Let's scat.
>
[They all get up to leave]
>
>
[SoL. Mike and the Bots are standing around, each with a
different, odd looking gadget in their hands.]
Mike: Well, after sitting through three Skolnick postings
back to back to back, the bots and I got to wondering.
Tom: Just how DOES Skolnick come up with his ideas?
Crow: [muttering] I still say drugs.
Mike: Anyway, in the old spirit of Doctor F's invention
exchange, we have all come up with a different invention
to create Skolnick plots. Crow, I believe you wanted
to go first?
Crow: Thank you. [Camera pans to show a dart board hung on
the hexscreen]. Now, the idea of using a dart board, or
darts in particular is not very original of an idea as
far as picking random events goes. But I have made one
little improvement by tying strings between all the darts.
Mike?
[Mike picks up a few darts, each which is tied by a string to
one or multiple other darts. He throws a few at the
board, which land on various names that have been taped
to it.]
Crow: Now, all you do is pick a dart to start at, and just
follow the strings around the board until you have a
finished web of corruption that no one will be able to
follow. Ideally you should do this extemporaneously on
the phone, but for the less creative, we suggest drawing
up a script beforehand.
Mike: That's a very good idea, Crow. Now, what do you have,
Servo?
[The camera pans to the other side, where a gold drum (much
like those used in fancy raffles, but not so nice) is
sitting. On the far end of the drum in a tube leading
from a bottle of Elmer's]
Tom: Well, mine to puts a fresh twist on an old fashioned
random technique. I have in this barrel a bunch of
Ping Pong balls with various names and insideous acts
written on them. When the drum is turned, the glue
starts to flow, and then you just open it up, grab one
Ping Pong, and see what comes out with it.
[Mike grabs the crank, and spins the drum a few times. A
few cheep lights on the tube seem to suggest the glue
flow, but from the sound of the drum the balls were
already glued together. Mike opens the drum, and
pulls out a huge mass of Ping Pong balls.
Mike: Another great idea. I decided to choose a different
route, though. Often, in his transcripts, there will
be the word "huh?" or simply a question mark within
parentheses. Although this might be a sign of Skolnick
not having a great phone presence, or the transcriber
questioning his spelling, I think it is something else,
so I have come up with this booklet based on Choose
Your Own Adventure novels. It's very simple, you just
open up the book to any page, start reading, and when
you come to the word "huh" or a question mark, you
flip to one of the other pages listed. What do you
think, sirs...er, ma'am?
[Castle Forrester. Bobo appears to be reading a copy of
the book Mike just presented in the background, and
occasionally let's out a giggle or thoughtful noise.]
Pearl: Very interesting, Nelstein. I see I will have
to find more painful material in the future if you are
going to take Skolnick with this kind of upbeat attitude,
though.
[SoL. All suddenly look frightened]
Mike: Man, I don't know how we survived that Skolnick.
Tom: Someone pass me the barf bag.
Crow: I'm not done with it!
[CF]
Pearl: Can the theatrics, guys. And fear my wrath! Ha
ha ha ha ha ha ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Bobo: Lawgiver, this is amazing, did you know that not only
did Clinton have Vince Foster killed, but he also
killed Richie Daley on orders from the Pope when news
of Glenrock began upsetting GE?
[Pearl stops laughing and looks annoyed.]
Pearl: Come here please Bobo...
*Phwipth! Fade to black*
Bobo: OW! NO! I'M VERY TENDER THERE!
----------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and
situations are trademarks of and (c) 1994 by Best Brains, Inc.
All rights reserved. All original ideas are completely
accidental, and should not be thought of as intentional. Any
similarities between this MiSTing and actual events would be
really screwed up!
Use of Copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be
inferred. I'm not trying to make money off of this, nor would
I likely succeed if I was trying.
Odd side note from the creation of this. The word Illuminati
is in the MSWord dictionary. Makes you kinda wonder about
Bill, doesn't it?
Numbers edited out by me are done with *'s, those done
with x's were removed by the transcriber.
----------
TWAING!
>*Oh, yeah?!*
--
==McDLT http://www.students.wfu.edu/thurdl01
Hot on the Hot side
Cold on the Cold side.
thur...@wfu.edu