TOM: Use them as bait. Let them die horrible, watery deaths while their
commanders sit in the warmth of the submarine, sipping tea and
eating
watercress sandwiches...
MIKE: Being a little dark, aren't we?
> have them look
>around the exterior. If you find an alien kill it and get all people
back in
>ship. When you have atleast 4 people out the ship
TOM: Close up the sub and take off for your base, leaving them to die in
a
cold, watery grave...
MIKE: TOM!
> move them to take
cover in
>the corner of the map. Since you always start in a corner this isn't
hard to
>do. Move 4 more people out and then get the last 2 people out. Split
people
>into 3 groups.
CROW: "A" group and "B" group will flank to the sides. "C" group will
walk
straight out into the open, drawing alien fire so that we don't get
hurt.
MIKE: Don't you start.
> Each group has 3 people and one group of one person. Move
the
>groups in any direction, but try to stay on the side of map.
> Move the groups so that the 3 people start out like this-
>
> X
>
> X X
>
MIKE: Now the offensive tackles will stand in front of either side of the
quarterback...
>then move the 2 back people ahead of the first person-
>
> X X
>
> X
TOM: Or in other words, in a hexagon.
>Whoever moves should have time for an aimed shot. If you space them out
>about 5 spaces between every soldier a grenae shouldn't kill every one.
CROW: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
>
>When they reach the ufo, have 3 people out the door. Have them enter and
>shoot any aliens then exit. Do this until safe, then enter the group and
>work your way through. Always stay to the side of doors with 2 people on
>each side and one person on step back but in front of door.
>
> |X
>DOOR ----> | X
> |x
>
MIKE: That's a door? Looks like a crude ASCII drawing of the letter "D".
> Make sure to save at the beggining of each turn and if somebody
dies,
>then reload that turn.
TOM: Just like in real life.
> Now you know where the alien is. If you use the 3
>group strategy and leapfrog the groups, then the game is easy. DONT
FORGET
>TO
CROW: Eat a healthy breakfast?
TOM: Change the oil in your car?
MIKE: Wear clean underwear?
> SAVE.
ALL: Oh.
>
>If you got M.C. Disrupter, equip them on the most skilled and stongest
person
>in the MC catagories. Then just controll any aliens and have them walk
in
>front of the ship and balst them.
MIKE: Then blast them.
> You can controll every one in one tern
i
>done properly.
ALL: Huh?
>
>For Base Missions, the best strategy is to clear the top floor by going
from
>room to room and controlling the Lobsters.
TOM: Be sure to bring plenty of drawn butter.
CROW: Drawn and quartered?
TOM: Well, I...HEY!
> Use tentaculats as seekers to
>find more lobsters to controll. Once you have the top cleared. Postion
>people over the lifts and for the next 5-10 missions, have them simply go
>down,
CROW: (female) Going down, Mister Bond?
> look around and go back up. If they see anybody you can blast
them.
>Doing this should eliminate 2-3 more alines. You have to eventtually
make it
>to the bottom of the level and kill everything.
TOM: <starts shaking> Kill...kill...Kill...KILL...KILL!!!
[Mike grabs Tom and stops him from shaking]
MIKE: Whoa, Tom buddy! You okay?
TOM: I'll...I'll be fine...I think...
> The objective is to
destroy
>the controller, that is in a small room that is in a big room that is
>surrounded by a fence on the bottom. Youll know when you see it. One way
to
>destroy it is to launch 2-3 disrupters at it and kill it. Or you can
mind
>controll the aliens and have them shoot it. Also the aline comander and
>NAVIGATER are besided the controller so maybe you should just stun them
and
>kill teh rest of the aliens and take all teh prizes home.
CROW: (game show announcer) YOU WIN...the fusion reactor, the
antigravity
waterbed, AND the laser meat slicer! Total value, SEVENTEEN
THOUSAND
DOLLARS!
>
>
>C. WINNING THE GAME
>
>To win the game is fairly easy except for 2 things that must be
resurched.
>They are the Lobsterman Commander and Navigater. YOU MUST RESURCH THEM.
MIKE: (little kid) Awwww, do I hafta?
>
>
>D. COOL HINTS
>
>1. SAVE AT BEGGINING OF MISSION. If you get killed reload, and know you
no
>the area that the alien came from so kill him. If you do this you will
get
>hundreds of points at end of mission.
TOM: Since when does common sense qualify as a cool hint?
>
>2. GET a Cheat program
>Unadvisable since it ruins the game.
CROW: THEN WHY DID YOU SUGGEST IT???
>
>
>E. BUGS
>
>There are a couple of bugs.
MIKE: Eeew! Squish them!
> I have the CD-ROM version. If you install
the
>game on the hardrive. You get lots of crashes. It takes 2 or three
times
>to get the game running.
>
>Some times the terror missions go berserk.
>
TOM: (sarcastic) Oh, thank you for being _so_ descriptive!
>F. ME
MIKE: FA! SO! LA! TI! DO!
>
>I come from a small town called EASTEND. It is in the province of
>Saskatchewan in CANADA.
CROW: And all this time I thought it was a part of London, England!
> I have been playing computer games for 4 years,
>thats when I got my 386, I got a 486/66 right now. I am currently
taking
>Electronic Engineering and am planning on going into computers and the
gming
>industry if I can.
MIKE: You realise that with the decline of role-playing games, there
isn't
much call for GMs?
> I am only 18 and got a long way to go though.
>
>G. OTHER THINGS
> You can install the CD-ROM version by going into the HARDDISK directory
and
>typeing install.
TOM: Gee...you could even read the installation card to figure that one
out!
>
>Gravis Ultrasound ACE is a good add on card if you can't afford the AWE32
>from Creative Labs.
>
>16 MB of ram makes WING COMMANDER 3 run better.
>
>The THRUST MASTER Pro is a good joystick.
CROW: Admit it...you just like typing the word 'THRUST'.
MIKE: No, Crow...
>
>Panasonic makes good car audio decks. i have the CQ-DP655 cd with cd
changer
>controlls.
MIKE: What the heck does this have to do with X-COM?
>
>The plot for Ultima IX should be great because of Ultima 8.
TOM: Why, because Ultima 8 didn't really have much of one?
>
>I can't wait for PRIVATEER 2.
ALL: WE CAN!
>
>The next STAR WARS movies are going to RULE.
CROW: (fanboy) Han Solo for president!
>
>Civ NET is awsome, but can you play it on the net?
ALL: D'OH!
CROW: Is that it?
TOM: That's it...let's go home.
[All leave to the right.]
...6...5...4...3...2...1...*
[SOL Bridge]
[Everyone stands straight at attention. Mike wears a goofy grin.]
TOM: Do YOU spell every word correctly?
CROW: Is your grammar consistantly correct?
MIKE: You say you don't have problems spelling your OWN name?
[Everyone moves back to reveal the sign...]
ALL: The Ratliff School of English!
TOM: Now you to can learn to spell words and construct sentences that
would
make your high school english teacher keel over!
CROW: There are classes like "Unlearning Elementary-school Spelling
Classes
201", "The Art of Star Trek Fanfics 304"...
MIKE: And "Name Misspelling 412", taught by the Dean himself!
TOM: Here is what some past graduates are saying about "The Ratliff
School
of English"!
[Dissolve to a stillstore shot of a piece of paper. The writing is
crudely
written.]
MAGIC VOICE: Thak Yu., Ratlif skool of engliss! Noww usenet pohstings of
myne mak mee noticesed! noow moore attension; eye geht!
[Fade back to the Bridge]
MIKE: Another satisfied customer!
TOM: For more information, call 1-800-O-BITE-ME!
CROW: That's 1-800-624-8363!
MIKE: Call today!
TOM: Whaddya think, sir?
[Deep Thirteen]
DR.F: I think you guys have a little too much time on your hands up
there.
Until next week, boobies...
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\ | /
\|/
-----o----- FWOOSH!
/|\
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
/ | \
---COPYRIGHT INFORMATION AND DISCLAIMERS---
'Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are
trademarks of and (c) 1995 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.'
'Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.' Offer void
on Mongo and the Offworld Colonies. Cash value 1/20 of a cent.
This MSTing is not meant as a personal attack on Louie Doulias, although I
hope it encourages him to either brush up on the English language, or
invest
in a spellchecker.
> In 1828, Jens and Olaf Jansen, a father and son team of
> Norwegian fishermen, sailed their fishing boat into the North
> Polar ENTRANCE HOLE, and spent two years living with the
> friendly giants who live down there.
...Fin...
Ed Powell, MSTie #27968, and proud Mac user
http://user.aol.com/joeylemur/
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Opinions expressed here are mine. If you don't like it, tough. Welcome
to the Internet, the last free media where involuntary censorship will
never happen.
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"Do you want my blood? Do you want my tears? What do you want?"
- Pink Floyd, The Division
Bell
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2) I think my favorite parts were (a) the kewl hints, and (b) that he's
hoping that some benevolent magazine type will read this and immediately
hire him to review games in his own inimitable style.
- Mike
It was posted...check with DejaNews (http://www.dejanews.com) to find
it...
And maybe someday...SOMEDAY...I'll get it onto an FTP site.