*...1...2...3...4...5...6
Joel: Hello everybody, and welcome to the Satellite of Love, I'm Joel
Robinson.
<Enter, Mike>
Mike: Hey, who're you?
Joel: I'm Joel Robinson, and who're you?
Mike: I'm Mike Nelson.
Joel: What're you doing here?
Mike: Taking your place at watching these bad movies every day!
Where've you been?
Joel: I've been watching those bad movies!
Mike: Well then, you've got another thing coming, Crow! Tom! Gypsy!
Joel: I created them, they come when I call them!
<Enter Tom, Crow, and Gypsy>
Crow: Hey Mike, it seems you've just met our newest companion, Joel
Robinson 2.
Mike: Joel Robinson 2?
Joel: Joel *2*?
Tom: Yeah, Joel 2. He's designed to look just like the original,
lovable, huggable Joel that created us!
Joel: I AM the original Joel!
Mike: Where did you get him?
Gypsy: I'd better explain this, guys. Um, well, you'd better see for
yourself, Cambot, give me Rocket #9.
<External view: A planet Shaped as Joel Robinson's head>
Gypsy: The entire planet is filled with Joel look-alikes.
Magic Voice: Commercial Sign in 30 seconds.
Joel: Jeez, well fine then, don't say hi!
Crow: Anyway, this entire planet is filled with Joels, and one of them
came aboard the SOL this morning and made us this wonderful breakfast
and did a good job cleaning up the place.
Tom: You know, I wonder where he'd be if his bosses hadn't shot him
into space?
Mike: But . . .
Magic Voice: Commercial sign in 5 seconds.
<Button Flashes>
Mike: We'll be right back.
<Commercials>
Mike: Can someone explain to me why this planet is filled with Joels?
Joel: Maybe I can. You see, when I landed on earth, <You can all read
about it in 3000: A Space Odyssey> And then, with nothing to do, I went
about my normal business until NASA picked me to go fly in space. I
told them no, then they knocked me out, next thing I know, I'm shot into
space again. To this day, I still have no recollection of why they sent
me out there. Anyway, they sent along with me, a crew of monkeys and
none could pilot the ship. So I ended up crashing into this planet and
wandered around with nothing to do, so I took apart the rocket and built
a replicator, and duplicated myself. Now, there's a planet of me.
Crow: Ummmm, okay then.
<Button Flashes>
Mike: Uh-oh, Ms. Forrester's calling.
<Mike presses button>
Joel: Who's Ms. Forrester?
<JoelWorld>
Ms. Forrester: Oh God, it's like a sale at Goodwill! He's everywhere!
Bobo you idiot, why'd you have to stop here to go to the bathroom?
Bobo: Sorry, Lawgiver, but I *HAD* to go!
Observer: I find this earth creature to be extremely intelligent and
very interesting
Ms. Forrester: Well, what do you know? You carry your brain around!
Oh, Mike Nelster . . . <points to Joel> . . . hey, what's he doing
there?
<SOL>
Joel: Who's she?
Mike: She's Dr. Forrester's mother.
Joel: Where's Dr. Forrester?
Mike: Um, it's kind of a long story.
Crow: More like a long time.
<JoelWorld>
Ms. Forrester: Hey, Brain Guy, get him off there and back here!
<SOL>
Tom: No!
Crow: Don't do it!
Mike: How DID he get here?
Joel: Um, it's kind of interesting, how I got here. I . . .
<Joel disappears>
Gypsy: He's gone again, guys.
<JoelWorld>
Ms. Forrester: Well, Nelster, your Posting today is something about
lost Assets. I don't know, you might be able to find a use for it.
Send them the Posting, Brain guy.
<SOL>
<Lights Flash, Chaos ensues>
All: Ahhhhhh! We've got Usenet Sign!
Crow: Joooooooooel!
6...5...4...3...2...1...*
<Enter theater>
>From: 8717...@savetrees.com
Crow: Save a tree, eat a beaver!
>Date: 5/11/97 3:13PM
>Subject: You Are Owed MONEY!
Mike: Hmmmm, well, there was that poker game . . .
>Address: To: 8717...@savetrees.com
Tom: Didn't we already go through this?
>Did you know you are probably owed money?
Mike: Have you ever heard of 'Loan sharks'?
>NINE OUT OF TEN people are owed money they didn't know they had!
Crow: One out of Ten people is Extremely rich!
>There is over 400 BILLION dollars in unclaimed money in the United States!
Tom: Strange enough, most of that is the Federal Debt
Mike: The rest is Bill Gates'.
>This money is held by the government and other national depositories across
>the country.
All: They're everywhere! They're everywhere!
> This money is waiting for you to claim it and 9 out of 10 of
>you are owed some of this money!
Crow: In the news today, One out of Ten people was savagely mugged
today.
>Personal Funds Recovery, Inc. wants to help you locate and recover your
>money.
Tom: Watch people start getting mail, "Hello, have you seen this
money?"
> WE WILL CONDUCT A FREE SEARCH TO FIND YOUR MONEY!
Mike: But no word on ever giving it back.
>You may have heard about abandoned assets on a talk show
Tom: Police are hunting the Deadbeat Owners of these assets for Asset
Support.
> or news
>program, or read about it in a newspaper or magazine article. Oprah Winfrey
>devoted an entire program to abandoned assets.
Crow: Oprah, assets. Assets, Oprah
> Her purpose was to alert
>the public that every individual should check if they are owed money.
Mike: Unfortunately, Oprah turned out to be one of the One in Ten
people.
>Here are some quotes from major magazines:
Tom: "Long lost assets of Bill Clinton found!" - National Enquirer
>"In a nation as mobile as America, nearly 19% of us move in any year.
Crow: The rest are trying to understand the last half of that sentance.
> You
>should check out not only your current state
Tom: But your current city as well!
> but also all the others where
>you have owned property, transacted business or simply resided."
Mike: Who knows, you might find your child in the hands of Donald
Trump.
> - Money magazine
>"After notifying the treasurer's office that she was Ed's beneficiary,
Crow: The treasurer broke out in laughter and then wondered who Ed was.
>Leona got the shares and past dividends worth $23,000."
Tom: And then received $500,000 more dollars because the treasurer said
she had "nice assets"
> - Reader's Digest
>"Carter cheerfully submitted a copy of his driver's license and a Social
>Security Card along with some old bills to verify his address,
Mike: And then found out that his entire identity was then erased and
he became Bob Dole.
> and in
>December he received a check for $10,119."
Tom: To be paid a dollar a year.
> - Forbes magazine
>"Everybody's so skeptical.
Mike: Hmmm, I don't know about that statement . . .
> They're not accustomed to the state giving
>money away."
Crow: After all, what is the Federal Debt, but a string of numbers.
> Bob Austin, New York State Comptroller's Office
Tom: In other news today, Bob Austin was found savagely beaten today,
by FBI employees.
> - The New Yorker
>"The State of Florida was holding $218,840 that had belonged to his
>deceased father, and James was the rightful heir."
Crow: The money is now in the hands of Michael Eisner.
> - Changing Times
>Not everyone is owed tens of thousands of dollars.
Tom: Just those that have no reason to have money.
> Many people are simply
>owed a refund from a security deposit, a utility company, or the IRS; but
>the average amount of money owed to an individual is $2,200.00 so it is
>very important to check for your money! You could be owed thousands!
Crow: Mike, is that "Thousands of dollars" or "Thousands of what?"
Mike: Crow, why ask the impossible?
>Personal Funds Recovery searches hundreds of national depositories to
>help locate your abandoned assets.
Tom: If you abandoned your assets, then why would you want them back?
> Here are a few example of areas
>where you may have abandoned assets: dormant checking and savings
>accounts, forgotten stocks and bonds, IRA accounts, teacher retirement
>plans, railroad and union pensions, uncashed dividend checks, payroll
>checks, insurance policies, unused gift certificates, unclaimed security
>deposits, safety deposit boxes, pension funds, frequent flyer mileage,
>travelers checks, the Social Security Administration, United States
>Treasury, Internal Revenue Service, Federal Housing Administration,
>and many more.
Crow: Check the Gym Locker Room or the Lost and Found at the mall!
>Most of us don't think we have ever lost money, but how do we really
>know unless we check?
Mike: Well, if we check your wallet, we might know where our money went
to!
> Abandoned money is money you don't know
>about, and that is precisely why you must check! 90% of Americans
>have lost money and because the majority don't conduct a search, over
>400 billion dollars has accumulated in national depositories.
Tom: Once again, we're repeating ourselves!
> The average
>amount of money owed to an individual is approximately $2,200.00.
>
>FIND OUT ABOUT YOUR MONEY TODAY!
Crow: Dial our 900 number and see where your money goes.
>We want to build a relationship with you to help recover your abandoned
>assets.
Tom: Then, we will marry you for your assets.
> Personal Funds Recovery will not charge you any fees to conduct
>a search. Only after we have conducted a search and money has been
>found, will we then charge a small fee which is deducted from the money
>recovered. This fee is state-regulated and ranges from 5 - 15%.
Mike: Ah, here's that five cents I've been looking for!
Crow: <falsetto> Nope, with 5% discount, we get .025 cents.
>Even if you don't believe you have any abandoned assets, you owe it to
>yourself to check.
Tom: Then, you can become both the Nine out of Ten People and the One
out of Ten people at the same time!
> With 90% of Americans being owed an average amount
>of $2,200.00, it is definitely worth making the simple inquiry.
Crow: Try becoming a loan shark, then you can get your money, and have
some fun too.
>Join the growing number of Americans who are finally having their money
>returned to them. Call us today.
Mike: Watch their answering machine be loaded with prank phone calls
from across the US.
>You can also check on abandoned funds for your loved ones; such as a
>spouse, a relative or even a deceased relative.
Tom: Well, Late Old Aunt Edna did borrow that money for funeral
expenses . . .
>Please call to find out more and begin a search for your money today.
Crow: Monty Python and the Quest for the Abandoned Assets!
>CALL (664) 410-2225.
Mike: And be sure to ask for someone who cares.
>Yours truly,
Tom: Your Abandoned Assets.
> Personal Funds Recovery, Inc.
<Exit theater>
*...1...2...3...4...5...6
<Mike and the bots enter the room to find that it is crowded with
Joel-look-alikes>
Joels: Hi guys!
Crow: Ack! What're they all doing here?
Joels: We're looking for lost Assets.
Mike: Well, you haven't got any assets here!
Tom: Say, how DO you all get up here?
Joels: Well, you see . . .
<Joels disappear>
Crow: Argh! Where did they all go again?
<Light flashes>
Mike: Ms. Forrester, again.
<JoelWorld>
Ms. Forrester: Have you gone yet, Bobo?
Bobo: <From within Port-a-Jon> Not yet, Lawgiver.
Ms. Forrester: Hurry up, you big ape. I don't want to wait here
another second. Hey, Brain Guy, have you gotten rid of them yet?
Observer: Well, I did, but then, it seemed boring around here, so I
brought them back.
Ms. Forrester: YOU DID WHAT??
Observer: I-I-I brought them b-b-back.
Ms. Forrester: Why I outta!
Observer: N-N-Now, violence will result in nothing.
Ms. Forrester: Not my violence!
Joels: Look! It's Dr. Forrester's mother!
Ms. Forrester: Uh-oh. Bobo, you done yet?
Bobo: Lawgiver, there's this fascinating roll of paper in here, look, I
turn it once, and paper comes out!
Ms. Forrester: Bobo, get out here, NOW!
Bobo: Okay then, I'm coming out now.
<Bobo enters>
Ms. Forrester: Everybody to the van!
<Gang exits scene with Joels in hot pursuit.>
<Roll through credits>
-----
All characters are owned by Best Brains, and no infringement is
intended. All the jokes are mine though.
-----
>Please call to find out more and begin a search for your money today.