(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON FOUR)
EPISODE 36: RANMA'S REVENGE
(A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(mega...@rogers.com) (zo...@yahoo.com)
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Ranma's Revenge" is the property of Freyr Gunnar Ólafsson. He has
given me permission to MST his work and I greatly appriciate it. :)
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5... 4... 3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last Sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH... MY... GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer
printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
Tom Servo's Room
>LOOK
You are in the dwelling of one Thomas Servo, the extraordinarily
handsome and suave robot on board the Satellite of Love possessing a
helluva singing voice and extraordinary physical prowess despite a
lack of working appendages. The walls are covered with underwear of
all shapes and sizes, a tribute to his years of relentless pursuit to house
the grandest underwear collection of all.
>EXAMINE UNDERWEAR
It would take several hours to properly appreciate them and unfortunately
you haven't the time right now. Maybe later though.
>SOUTH
SOL Hallway
This hallway stretches to the west and east. To the west is Gypsy's room
while Crow's dwelling lies to the east. Currently, you are in front of the
door to your room.
>WEST
SOL Hallway
>KNOCK ON DOOR
"What is it? I'm busy!" Gypsy's voice replies, sounding distracted.
>KNOCK ON DOOR
"Ugh, just a minute!" Gypsy's voice replies, annoyed as she opens the
door. "Oh, it's you. What do you want?"
>EXAMINE GYPSY
Although incapable of changing her expression, you sense that Gypsy
is puzzled as she stands in the doorway, a damp towel covering her
head and a fluffy robe wrapped around her cylindrical body.
"Uh, why are you talking like that? What's going on?" Gypsy
inquires.
>TALK TO GYPSY
You engage in small talk with Gypsy. Perhaps you should ask her
about something?
"Tom? Are you listening to me?" Gypsy tilts her head to one side,
confused.
>ENTER ROOM
It's rude to enter a lady's room without permission. Besides, Gypsy's
blocking the doorway.
"Ooooo-kay, this is getting creepy. I'm just going to go back inside
now!" Gypsy exclaims before abruptly withdrawing into her room, the
door hissing shut behind her.
>KNOCK ON DOOR
"G-Go away!" Gypsy replies fearfully from inside her room.
>EAST TWICE
SOL Hallway
You are in front of Crow's room. Further east is the bridge, while your
room is to the west.
>INVENTORY
You have a book of matches and a paper bag stuffed with dog droppings.
>USE BAG OF DOG DROPPINGS WITH DOOR
You can't do that.
>PLACE BAG OF DOG DROPPINGS ON DOORSTEP
Say what?
>WILL YOU JUST DROP THE DOG DROPPINGS, ALREADY?!?
All right, all right! You tilt forward and let the bag slide off your
keyboard to hit the floor.
>LIGHT BAG ON FIRE
Oops, You didn't pack your portable flame-thrower today. What a shame.
>USE MATCHES TO LIGHT BAG
How? Your arms don't work, remember?
>USE GAMERA BREATH ON BAG
You do not appear to possess that item.
>USE A PLOT CONTRIVANCE TO LIGHT BAG
Are you sure you want to do that?
>YES
Oops, looks like Marrissa Picard already signed them all out. So sorry.
The door to Crow's room suddenly opens as Crow sticks his head out.
"Servo? Is that you blathering on out here? Who are you talking to?"
>RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!
Please pick a direction (ie, N, NE, E)
"The hell? You vaporlocked or something, Tommy?" Crow inquires.
>EAST
The Bridge
Joel Robinson is here. He looks up as you approach and grins.
"Welcome back, Tom! So, how do you like your new Interactive
Fiction interface? Pretty cool, huh?"
>NOT REALLY. CAN YOU REMOVE IT FROM ME NOW?
Say what?
"Well, actually, I was hoping you could test it further on some
holocabana programs...." Joel began.
>THROW MASSIVE TANTRUM
You scream and cry and throw yourself on the ground.
"Okay, okay, don't be a baby. If it bothers you that much, I'll remove
it," Joel replies as he walks over to you and starts to remove your
keyboard and viewscreen apparatus when he notices the red light
flashing on the console. "Guess it's just as well... Man-At-Arms and
Orko are calling...." Joel mutters as he gives the button a tap.
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester hummed a happy tune as he relaxed in his La-Z-Boy
chair, clad in a green Hawaiian shirt and lime green shorts while looking
through some papers. In the background, Frank was hovering over a gas
barbecue, his face a mask of concentration as he tended to the steaks
and veggies sizzling on the grill while trying to keep up with the
directions of a cooking show broadcasting from a nearby television set.
"You know, Frank, if you'd taped that show, you'd have a lot less
trouble following it," Dr.Forrester noted wryly without looking up from
his reading.
"Huh? What?" Frank shot a quick glance at Dr. Forrester before
realizing his mistake. "Aw, poopy! I missed another ingredient! Now
I'll never be able to Wok with Yan!" Frank pouted.
"Just cook the food, Julia Childish!" Dr. Forrester snapped before
noticing that the viewscreen was activated. "Ah, I see my three o'clock
has arrived... so nice of you boys to make your appointment."
"Hey sirs... little early in the year for a barbecue isn't it?" Joel
inquired.
"Perhaps... on the other hand, this IS a special occasion and since
Spring has seen fit to sleep in this year, I decided to splurge for a change."
"Besides, our grill is being repossessed tomorrow and...." Frank
began.
"Button it, Bigmouth," Dr. Forrester snapped.
"Oh, okay, but what occasion is so special today?" Joel asked,
curious.
"All in good time, Roddy. First, let's see what showcase you got for
us to bid on now...."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Okay, sirs. Well, this week my bots asked to present an invention
they've both been secretly working on for a while... so, uh, I guess the
floor is theirs. Go for it, guys."
"Thanks, Joel! Okay, Cambot, can you pan down to the floor here?
Good, now zoom out a bit... Little bit more... there, perfect! Now dim
the lights and... cue the music, Magic Voice!" Crow exclaimed.
As the bridge went dark and the first few chords of 'Also Sprach
Zarathustra' began playing, two spotlights began dancing over a large
cloth-covered monstrosity resting on the floor. Crow and Tom each
stood on opposite sides of the device as a rope and pulley slowly lifted
the cloth off the monstrosity and over to the side. As the musical score
reached its climax, a powerful ceiling lamp illuminated the device in
all its glory.
"BEHOLD THE AWESOMENESS OF THE L...C...M!!!" Tom
exclaimed in a dramatic voice as Crow cheered and whistled loudly.
Meanwhile, Joel was busy staring out the window as fireworks
inexplicably began exploding outside the ship. Confused, he turned
his attention back to the device.
"What do you think, Joel?" Tom said excitedly as Crow beamed
proudly.
"Gee...." Joel took a cautious step towards the machine and examined
it. To say that it was overloaded with doohickeys was an understatement.
The device resembled nothing less than a giant hamburger bun with
seemingly hundreds of attachments sticking out of it like branches on a
tree. "Wow, this is really... something. But... what exactly does it do?"
Joel finally asked.
"Why, it's the answer to a lazy robot's prayer!" Tom replied happily.
"A Loadpan-Cleaning Machine!"
Joel abruptly facefaulted as Tom began to explain the various
attachments. "This little arm is for vacuuming... this nozzle applies the
hot wax... this lovely item pumps a pleasing pina colada scent into the
air... these blade attachments shave the problem areas... this Q-tip applies
the bubblegum flavored fluoride... and as for the pleasure ribs...."
"Enough already!" Joel gingerly rubbed his nose as he got up off the
floor. "Let me see how it works."
"Oh, sure thing!" Crow exclaimed as he began fiddling with the
machine... then fiddled some more... and yet some more.... "Uh, Tom?".
"What is it? Hurry up and turn it on!" Tom snapped impatiently.
"Heh, yeah, see that's the thing... exactly WHERE did we put the
on/off switch?" Crow inquired nervously.
"What are you talking about? It's right... uh... it's right over...
somewhere... wait, I remember! We put it under the... no... maybe
behind the... no... uh-oh...."
"Tommy...." Crow began ominously. "Are you saying we've lost the
on/off switch?"
"No! No, no! No! Well, yes, actually." Tom finished lamely.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Crow began sobbing while
Tom continued to frantically search the machine. "It's got to be here
somewhere! Maybe this one? No! Or this one? NO! Wait! This is it!
This has GOT to be it... POOPYYYYY!!!"
Joel looked into the camera and shrugged. "Well, at least they
tried... maybe you'd better take it from here, sirs...."
* * *
DEEP 13
"Dr. Forrester chuckled as he watched Joel attempt to reassure his
downtrodden friends. "If you think they're disappointed *now*, Joel...
heh heh... but once again, I'm getting ahead of myself... Frank, the
invention if you please...."
Frank took a moment to make sure all was well with the barbecue
before rushing off-camera and returning with a glass jar and an unmarked
spray canister. As the camera zoomed in on the jar, it was revealed to be
filled with mosquitoes. Dr. Forrester took both items from Frank and
then began applying the spray liberally to his skin.
"As you know, Joel, my time is usually dedicated to inventions that
better serve evil and aid the overall suffering of mankind. This week,
however, I've decided to be selfish and invent something beneficial for
the three people I hold most dear. Me, myself and I." Dr. Forrester
smiled as he began spraying his bare legs and feet.
"Funny, I don't remember legally changing my name to
Chopped Liver...." Frank muttered.
"Open wide, Frank." Frank was confused as he did so only to quickly
realize his mistake as Dr.Forrester administered a quick spray on Frank's
tongue, causing him to gag as he withdrew. "Now, where was I? Oh yes.
Allow me to demonstrate my special bug spray with the aid of these
thousands of female mosquitoes...."
"Awwww, but I suffered all day to collect those for you!" Frank
gasped in a strangled voice.
Dr. Forrester ignored him as he opened the jar and turned it upside
down. The mosquitoes quickly surrounded him as he smirked and
unbuttoned his shirt to give them an easy target. However, the
mosquitoes seemed to be ignoring him entirely and upon closer
examination, they also seemed to be changing form. Dr. Forrester
chuckled as he buttoned his shirt and plucked a few of the mosquitoes
out of the air.
"As you can see, the bug spray, with the help of specially programmed
nanobots, have genetically altered the DNA of the mosquitoes turning
them from bloodthirsty females into...."
"Mah god! Them skeeters got PETERS!!!" Frank gasped.
"...harmless males. Dr. Forrester glared over at Frank before
continuing. "Now I can run naked through skeeter country whenever
I please, enjoy outdoor activities... should I ever feel inclined to
participate in one... and best of all, experience the satisfaction of
knowing I and I alone can twist a sample of God's work at will... 'cause
really, isn't that the goal of every aspiring mad scientist? What do you
think of me now?" Dr. Forrester asked with a grin that reeked of
smugness.
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"...run naked through skeeter country...?" Joel repeated, dumbfounded.
"Never mind. I can see my concepts are too spicy for your tender
sensibilities. Speaking of which... it's time for a return to malevolence
as your experiment this week revisits the residents of *Nermia*, Japan.
Appropriately titled 'Ranma's Revenge', this fic is badder than Leroy
Brown and meaner than a Killer Klown. Granted, it's a lame rhyme, but
it's NOTHING compared to the mind numbing agony you'll be
experiencing momentarily! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Send them the
fanfic, Frank...."
"Sure thing, Steve...." Frank replied as he frantically scraped his
tongue against his upper teeth. "Man, that spray really makes my
tongue itchy...." Frank muttered as he took the fanfic from Dr. Forrester
and fed it into the machine as the viewscreen winked off.
Joel turned to face the bots. "Well, guys, ready to tackle another
Ranma fanfic?"
"Not now! We're still looking for the on switch!" Tom replied as he
and Crow continued to test out the various appendages when alarms
wailed and multicolored lights flashed.
"OHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out as he ran
towards the doors only to stop as he realized the bots weren't following
him. "Guys! It's time to enter the theater!"
"Sure, I'd love some, Joel...." Crow muttered, not really listening.
"Must find switch." Tom replied in a flat monotone.
"Come on! I'm not going to be stuck in there alone!" Joel remarked
as he scooped up a protesting Tom Servo in one arm before dragging
Crow into the theater by his net.
(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do anything, it's
yanked off its hinges from the other side by a tow truck.)
(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open for you as
you pass through.)
(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and watch as
the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size and you step over it.)
(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for awhile
before proceeding.)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing a drawbridge
that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it cautiously, looking for moat
monsters.)
(Door .7: It's a swirling blue vortex. Suddenly a large hand reaches out of
its center and pulls you inside.)
Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in one arm
and after a sharp tug, Crow emerges a moment later behind him. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his own,
Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to him, while
gently but firmly pulling Crow down into the seat on his right.
Crow: Uh, I have to go to the bathroom!
Tom: Yeah, me too!
Joel: Sorry, guys, it's not gonna work. Just sit tight until the experiment
is over, okay?
Tom: Aw, fudge. <sulks down in his seat.>
>And here it is yet again !
Crow: Miss America!
Joel: Another re-release of the original Star Wars Trilogy?
Tom: Time to replace that box of Arm 'n Hammer you've had in
your refrigerator for the past two years!
>Fixed a whole big bag of spelling errors too :)
Tom: He got 'em on blue light special at K-Mart.
Joel: Pity he didn't ask Poppa for a brand new bag.
>I must excuse my poor grammar. English is not my native tongue.
Tom: <author> It's really Esperanto.
Crow: <author> Actually, it's French. Any girls want to see?
>Version 1.2
Joel: <author> Upgrade to Version 1.3 now for only $9.95!
Crow: Bugfixes -- Text scrolls properly on this version, the Ds
were all replaced with Ps, and it now works with all versions of
Windows 3.11.
>The copyright to Ranma 1/2 and all the characters,events etc. belongs
>to Rumiko Takahashi. This is only made for the free entertainment of
>others and myself. I do not intend to profit from this story.
Crow: <author> But if it happens, I promise not to bitch and moan.
Joel: Of all the different disclaimers we've read, it's now official...
<singing> there are fifty ways... to leave your ass covered.
>This story was written by: Freyr Gunnar Ólafsson
>You can contact me at: gna...@utopia.is
>If you like this story or want to C&C feel free.
Crow: <author> If you hate this story or want to flame, five bucks.
Joel: Except for us on the satellite, we're sorta missing our civil rights....
Tom: Maybe we could perform a sit-in and get 'em back?
Joel: It hasn't worked yet.
>RANMA'S REVENGE
Tom: In CAPITALS!
Joel: That's what happens when you drink the water at Jusenkyo, right?
>PROLOGUE
Crow: <Ranma> MENDOZAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
Joel: First, there was darkness... then God said, let there be light... and
the light was good...."
Tom: Too far back, man.
>five!
Joel: Three, sir!
Crow: <Graham Chapman> Right!
>He knew where she was. He went as fast as he could, faster then anyone
>knew he could go, faster then even he himself thought possible. If only
>he wouldn't be too late !
Tom: Even hopped up on speed, the White Rabbit didn't have a prayer.
>Faster, FASTER, FASTER!
Crow: <John Cleese> Yes, DEAR! I'm doing it, DEAR!
Joel: <Ranma> The tax office is closing in TEN SECONDS, if I'm
late mailing Mr. Tendo's return, he'll KILL me!
Tom: Hey, this ain't Ranma at all! It's... <singing> Go, Speed Racer...
Go, Speed Racer... Go, Speed Racer, go!
>four!
Joel: <Happy Gilmore> You think you can outdrive ME?!
Crow: Yeah, Anything Goes Golfing, THAT'S what we've been
waiting for.
Tom: Oh geez! They let the Halls Cough Drop Guy back on the
green! EVERYONE, DUCK AND COVER!!!
>a tree flashed by, jump-kick off its side, chi-blast off the cliff side, up
>into the air he went flying,
Joel: When Ranma tries LSD....
Crow: <Larry Bird> And off that rock outcropping, through the
branches, bounce off the dirt, nothin' but net.
Tom: *SWISH*.
>trees flashing by by the thousands, cold air kissing his skin.
Joel: <Ranma> This is the LAST TIME I get talked into an EVA
unit! Get me offa this thing, Asuka! NOW!!
Crow: Ranma's brief cameo in Macross Plus changed the landscape
forever....
>Three!
Tom: <Gorilla Monsoon> History has been made here in the
Garden, let's get the official word!
Crow: This is Major Tom to Ground Control... feel free to reach
zero ANYTIME now.....
>Feelings of doubt and nervousness locked inside him. He landed at the
>top of the cliffside, started running again.
Joel: <Ranma> Am I in "Beaches"? "Terms of Endearment"? Maybe
I'm in "Steel Magnolias"? "Prince of Tides"? "Yentl"?
Crow: At any rate, I'll bet he runs into Barbara Streisand.
>Closer and closer and closer.
Tom: This fic should lay off the Arrid Extra Dry.
Joel: <Ranma> My eye boogers are ready for their close up, Mr.
De Mille....
Crow: Yes, it's Xeno's fanfic! Every scene, Ranma gets halfway closer
to... um, wherever the heck he's going... but never actually gets there.
>Two!
Tom: <singing> Own-leee twooooo... can make... this world seem
bright... onlyyyyy two, can read this fic, to-night....
Joel: <singing> And we'll have pun pun pun till the men in
white come take us awaaaaay.....
>jump up, duck branches, right side from hill, dodge left, jump up side,
>duck and roll.
Tom: <Daffy Duck> Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin!
Crow: <Ranma> Get me! I'm an F-15!
Joel: <Ranma> Y'know, considering what a hurry I'm supposed to be in,
I wonder if maybe I'd get there faster if I didn't stop to show off my
acrobatic routines...?
>And there, from the top of the hill he saw her. There he saw her.
Crow: Smooth double take there, Ranma.
Joel: <Ranma> U-Ucchan? A-Akane? W-What're you both
doing here?
Bots: <Akane and Ukyou> Ranma! You have some 'SPLAINING to do!
>Panting and swetting he started running again. faster and faster AND
>FASTER...
Crow: That's what happens when you fall into the Cursed Spring of
Drowned Jogger....
Tom: Meanwhile my headache at reading this schlock grew larger
and larger AND LARGER....
Joel: Yeah, even Steve McQueen didn't need this much time to break
out in "The Great Escape"....
>One!
All: <singing> ...chorus line of MSTers, riffing till they make
us stop!
>He came down right next to her and knelt.
Joel: <Ranma> Oooooooh... what the heck was in that stuff? And why
am I riding naked on a cow's back....!?
Crow: <Ranma> Hey, waitaminute... is this Cephiro? Dammit, why
do I keep getting sent here?
Tom: <Hitomi> Nope, this time it's Gaea. Mind the catgirl.
>He checks her lifesigns. She was dead. She was dead and he hadn't
>told her.
Crow: <Ranma> You're dead.
Tom: <girl> ...
Crow: <Ranma> I SAID, YOU'RE DEAD!
Tom: <girl> ...
Crow: <Ranma> Fine! Be that way!
>He knew men shouln't cry, at least that's what his pops always told him.
>MEN DO NOT CRY!
Tom: <Genma> Save that sentimental crap for the big girls!
Joel: So he grabbed a handy bucket of cold water and sobbed like a
crocodile.
>Ah, but there was another emotion swelling within him now, adding
>to his already impressive spectrum of feelings.
Crow: <Ranma> No, wait, that's just my lunch.
Joel: <Ranma> I'm feeling.... :( Not to mention >_< and ;_;!!
>Intense hatred to his already intense sorrow.
Tom: Ranma 'Harlequin' Saotome....
Crow: For ANOTHER girl was getting raped by ANOTHER five
beastly-looking youths, and they were doing it all in HIS FAVORITE
SPOT IN THE PARK!
Tom: <Ranma> Damn! What is it about MY SPOT that every last
rape has to happen HERE?!?
Joel: Maybe this time he'll attempt to avoid the shotgun.
>He knew who had killed her. The Amazons and their laws.
Joel: Death by Bonbori and papercuts. Gruesome.
Tom: I hear their lawyers usually don't take it to trial anymore.
>Their ways of bullying the rest of the world into doing things their way.
>Always their way, never swaying or bending the rules for the happiness
>of the pleeding of others.
Joel: Suffice it to say, Burger King wasn't on speaking terms
with the Amazons.
>Cold and heartless. Emotionless. Drones of their own anchient
>mentality. He hated them all.
Tom: And I heard the amendment process to their constitution is a
bitch.
Crow: They have become... The Carl Macek Dubbed Amazons.
>Shampoo was just the most recent offspring of the Amazons
>brainwashing kind of upbringing. "BLINDNESS TO THE FEELING
>OF OTHERS SHALT THOU BE" they must have said.
Joel: <Ranma, singing> It's just another brick in the wall....
Crow: So much for the separation of church and fanfic.
Tom: Did this author go to seminary with Umino or what?
>"Obsticles are to be removed, no matter what they say or do to try to
>sway you of their course" the mothers must have said to their young
>children. "Men are worthless for anything but servitude" the elders
>must say.
Crow: Assuming a lot, ain't ya?
Joel: "Don't listen to the women," the fathers must say.
Tom: "You Amazons better get out of there or we'll shoot," the
Chinese Communists are soon to say.
>He felt the fury he had bottled up since all the madness had started.
>All the fury that had escilated with the growing crazyness of his life.
Crow: Surprisingly it wasn't all that much and he easily worked it off
with a few rounds of Street Fighter.
Joel: So he immediately enrolled in an Anger Management course and
within twelve weeks, Ranma never went anywhere without his P-Chan
plushy....
>All he EVER wanted was to hold Akane as his wife in his arms.
Tom: Well, that and find a cure for his curse. And become the world's
greatest martial artist. And....
>Go with her on training trips. Perhaps even teach her those secret
>techniques he knew.
Tom: Ah, yes, those *secret* techniques....
Crow: The ones he learned from using cold water and poking at all
the crevices?
Tom: Heh.
>Fight her, Fight with her, tease her some more, Even.... kiss her
>someday.
Joel: <Ranma> But mostly fighting and teasing. After all, a guy's gotta
have his priorities!
Tom: <Akane> Yeah, I'll give you something to kiss, all right....
>Zero!
Tom: <Ranma> It's a kamikaze attack! TAKE COVER!!
Joel: No, it's worse! We've being invaded by supporting characters
from Beetle Bailey!!
>The Amazons WOULD die ! ALL OF THEM WOULD DIE !
Joel: And so would the pandas!
Tom: <Genma> R-Rowf?
>BURN IN PAIN, IN WHATEVER AFTERLIFE THEY BELIEVED IN.
>AFTER HE JOINED AKANE IN HER AFTERLIFE, HE WOULD
>CONTINUE WITH HER THERE TO TORTURE THE SPIRITS OF
>THOSE FOREVER DAMNED CHINESE BITCHES !
Tom: OK. Recap. As far as we can tell, Ranma has no real proof, or
even evidence, that Shampoo had anything to do with Akane's murder.
Even if Amazons are responsible, it'd almost certainly be only a few of
them that were in on it. Yet Ranma's response is to head for the village
for what looks to be an indiscriminate killing spree.
Joel: Which means...?
Tom: Ranma's been replaced by George W. Bush.
Crow: Eep!
>His aura burned like the sun itself. He burned with hate, desperation,
>the want for revenge. The landscape around him started to melt but he
>didn't notice.
Tom: <director> Cripes, can't we get any backgrounds that DON'T
melt underneath the lamps!?
Crow: His aura's hot enough to melt the neighborhood?
Joel: It wasn't until that moment that Ranma manifested his mutant
powers....
>from the trees Colone knew that she was too late and that she would
>now have to do everything in her power to make sure that the amazon
>tribe would survive the onslaught of Ranma Saotomes revenge.
Joel: <Cologne> Quick! Summon the gunner on the grassy knoll!
He'll go supersonic in a second!
Crow: <Cologne> This looks like a job for the A-Team!
Tom: <Mr. T> Karate that, sucka!
>Chapter one.
Tom: Soooo... what was the deal with the countdown anyway? Were
they filming Space Camp on the next studio over or something?
Joel: Maybe it was the Care Bears Countdown... Ranma probably sent
a wish out through the air and....
Crow: <bigsweating> Joel, you're starting to scare us.
>Ranma knelt with tears in his eyes
Joel: Then he started dancing.
>and kissed her cold lips. There was no way he could just leave her here.
>He had wanted to make her a part of his life. Perhaps he could take her
>with him on his quest.
Tom: It's a new technique he calls... the necro-ken!
Crow: What's he gonna do? Hollow her out and live in her?
Joel: <Ranma> She just needs a little ketchup here and... here... don't
worry, Akane! You'll be with me real soon!
Tom: No worries... just dive into the Akaneniichuan, Ranma, and poof!
Problem solved!
>He knew of a way. Her spirit would come with him, so she could she
>his revenge through his eyes.
Tom: And hopefully get rid of her lisp along the way.
Joel: <Akane> My womanliness will avenge you, Ranma!
Crow: That's a Peter Gabriel song just waiting to be written.
>He touched her body and channeled as much of his chi into flames as
>he could and cried in agony as he watched her body turn to ashes in
>front of him.
Joel: <Ranma> She's in my eyes! Get her out! Get her out!
Tom: Guess we can skip the burial then.
Crow: <Ranma> Aww, but I wanted original Akane, not extra crispy!
>He grabbed the ashes out of the air. A tear from his chin fell into his
>hand. He then stuffed all the ashes into his mouth and swollowed.
Tom: Yikes! I've heard of ashtray junkies but this is ridiculous!
Joel: Ten minutes later, Ranma stopped vomiting long enough to crawl
over to the nearest koi pond for much needed liquid refreshment.
Crow: <narrator> All this and more on the next episode of "Days of
our Lives".
>As he did so he felt a peculiar intensity come over him, like the
>difference between the flame of open fire and the concentrated flame
>of a gas-tourch.
Crow: <Ranma> Wow, that completely cleared up my indigestion!
People should know about this! I'll shout it from the rooftops... "HEY,
EVERYBODYYYY!!! CANNIBALISM IS LIKE A FIRE RAGING
IN YOUR BOWELLLLLS!!!"
>He looked in the general direction of China, collected as much energy
>from his reserves as he could, consentrated them and let them ingulf
>his muscles to give him streangth.
Crow: Try NEW Ki-Brand Steroids! Twice the power! Half the
impotence!
Joel: <Ranma> Spontaneous human combustion! Damn, the Weekly
World News was RIGHT for once! Ouch, oooh, owie!
>He had learned this technique when he was twelve years old.
Tom: And he would have practiced it more often... had it not been for
a certain OTHER technique that demanded constant attention... needless
to say, the pitfalls of puberty would not be denied their prize....
Joel: <blushing> That's... putting it tactfully.
>It was even more self destructive than the shi-shi-hokudan but he didn't
>care right now. He just wanted to kill.
Crow: ...whitey.
Tom: But first, some Listerine to get the lingering ash taste out of
his mouth.
Joel: <Ranma> Bet you didn't think our first training trip together
would be like this, eh, Akane?
>He felt the strength of the technique fill him; started sprinting towards
>China at speeds that Albert Einstein believed where only theoretical.
Crow: <Ranma> I'm also an expert on the theory of gravity as a
generalized space-time metric. Learned that when I was six. I was
just, y'know, too modest to ever mention it before....
Joel: <Ranma> Whoops! Overshot the speed of light and ended up in
the Delta Quadrant. Better turn around and ask the nearest Borg for
directions....
>Life of Light," He cried out. "Engulf me!"
All: <giggles>
Tom: Yes, sir! One Honey Flash coming right up!
Crow: <Ranma> Solar Cosmic Power, make up!
Joel: <Life of Light> Hey, didn't I already give you a freebie?
Crow: <Ranma> Uh... no, that was my evil twin, Ran-Ran... he's always
causing chaos and turmoil....
>Cologne's eyes whent wide open. The fist of light ?! Ranma knew it !?
>She did know, she should have known. As soon as she had saw Ranma
>eat the ashes she should have known.
Crow: As soon as she read the prologue, she should have known.
Joel: After all, Genma often killed and grilled various shopkeepers as
he took Ranma all through Japan and China....
Tom: <Genma> Mmmmm... tastes like burning.
>She knew that he had stopped pretending. His respect for her had
>probably vanished. He had always played her and Happosai's games
>to humor them. To make them feel like they still had a say, that they
>still could muster a full out fight, still be in control.
Crow: <Ranma> Oh, Happosai fondled my breasts... ehh, I'll let him
do it. Poor old guy needs a break.
>If she or Happosai could really have beaten him then she would have
>done so long ago and brought him to China.
Joel: Niiiiice try. She was holding back because SHAMPOO had to fight
her own battles!
Crow: We'll leave what Happosai would have done with him to your
imaginations....
>But she couldn't, so she let him choose. She had always thought that
>Shampoo knew this as well. That when she said that obstacles where
>for killing, she was just playing the game,
All: <singing> The game of love, Lo-ove lalalalala love!
>just like she, happosai, the Kunos like all the rest of them where.
Joel: <Cologne> Except for Mousse of course. That guy's nuts!
Tom: Well, of COURSE! The Kuno siblings knew ALL about Ranma's
curse, and how he didn't really love either of them! They were just
playing along for... uh... combat practice! Yeah... that's the ticket!
>She looked at it as training. For Ranma it was just relaxation. It was
>obvious whom he loved. Whom he fought with.
Joel: Genma?
Tom: He fought with Cologne, meaning... aww man, come on, fic!
Crow: Ewww....
>Fighting was his life, conflicts to resolve. If there were no conflicts
>there would be no fighting to be done. He prospered in a conflict
>filled enviroment. He enjoyed it. He probably hated himself now
>for it.
Joel: <author> We'll come back to the fanfic in a minute, folks. I want
to analyze the characters motives for a spell....
Tom: <Ranma> My ideal environment is one where I bounce from
crisis to crisis without any real resolutions!
Joel: Cooking and eating your former fiancee would count as a
resolution in my book....
>Akane would never had died had he not encouraged them all to fight.
>He could have ended it, but to continually train was the tradition in
>the Anything Goes fighting school of martial arts.
Crow: Especially to maintain the status quo.
Tom: 'Cause, of course, Akane didn't have a lick of marital arts
training before Ranma came along.
Crow: <Ranma> I command you to STOP TRAINING!
Joel: <Akane> Okay, okay, I'll become a doctor!
>She had been so sure that Shampoo knew. She would have to move
>quickly to save her tribe. At least as much of it as was possible. As
>long as only a few of the young ones of the tribe survived.
Joel: <Cologne> Oh, who am I kidding? I'll settle for saving
my own wrinkled skin!
Crow: That way the young one can train for years and kill Ranma in
revenge. Then Ranma's young one can train for years and kill the first
young one and yadda yadda yadda, the world blows up.
Tom: Sounds like another Dragonball series.
>How could Shampoo have been so utterly blind to reality. She was
>as blind as Mousse.
Crow: But not quite as blind as love.
Tom: Or Mr. Magoo.
Crow: <Cologne> Might as well pull a Ray Charles and sign with
Pepsi, cause you know it's the right one, baby! Uh-huh!
><few hours earlier in the wooden groove>
Tom: The invasion came without warning. There was no declaration
of war, no news programs to say it was going to happen. It simply
happened.
Crow: You know, it's entirely possible to work scene information into
the context of a descriptive narrative. Just pointing that out. Thankyew.
>Shampoo stood gloating over the corpse of Akane Tendo the kitchen
>wrecker.
Joel: Not to be confused with Ozzy Fudd, the wabbit swayer.
Tom: <Akane> Oh, and I suppose wrecking walls is something to be
proud of?
>Finally her obstacle was out of the way.
Joel: <Shampoo> Finally the Tendos can cook in peace.
Crow: All that stood between her and Ranma... was the ELIMINATOR.
Tom: <starts humming the 'American Gladiators' theme>
>Now Ranma Saotome, The dragon, the fierce tiger, The phoenix god
>slayer, he who had survived the neko-ken training,
Joel: ...the dancing destroyer, the master of disaster, the king of sting....
Crow: <ominously> ...he who cremates and consumes his lovers....
Tom: Dragon? I think she's mistaking Ranma Saotome for Ricky
Steamboat.
>he would be hers.
Crow: <Shampoo> Gotta catch 'em all!
Tom: Try outside Viridian City, I hear they're teeming through there.
>She wondered at just how thankful Ranma would be. Oh he wouln't
>show it, or say it out loud. That be disrespectful of him to the Tendo
>family.
Crow: What's he supposed to do then? Use puppets?
Joel: Charades?
Tom: Gee, if Shampoo is this stupid, why didn't she just kill Akane in
the first place?
>But she knew that he hated Akane. She could feel how his chi burned
>in him when he was with her. How his emotions swelled around him
>like a perfume, how he lost so much control that that unskilled child of
>a martial artist could even manage to hit him. HIT HIM!
Joel: <Shampoo> How DARE you let Akane hit you! Take THAT,
Ranma!
Crow: Anybody else sorta wishing for some action?
Tom: No matter how you slice it, Shampoo, you just killed one of the
few people in Japan who won't appear on "Iron Chef".
>How had that whore dared. Not any more.
Joel: <Shampoo> No more shall that whore dare to dream the
impossible dreams...to fight the unbeatable foe...!
Tom: <Shampoo> Akane DARE to believe she could survive!?
Shampoo hold the future in her hands!
>She spat onto the corpses face, bitch that she had been.
Crow: Heh! Well, at least Shampoo's being up front about it!
>Always playing with herself in the night when Shampoo had been
>listening for ranma. Akane had been moaning his name over and over
>and over. Shampoo had just finally snapped.
Joel: And Shampoo got some of her magic herbs and so confident she
was of her plan, she sought out Ukyou to brag about her impending
victory. Little did Shampoo know how her overconfidence would cost
her....
Crow: So therefore, Akane is getting what she deserves?
Joel: Natch.
>Law was law after all. Obsticles WERE to be removed, her great
>grandmother said so all the time. She turned and left to go back to
>Nerima.
Tom: Cologne learned this and other harsh lessons while studying
abroad at the Cobra Kai Dojo....
><at an establishment at he end of the universe>
Crow: Doug Adams was working off his bar tab washing towels.
Joel: <Woody> How would you like your beer, Mr. Peterson?
Tom: <Norm> By the gallon, Woody.
>Time and Fate along with Misery where drunk in a bar and had begun
>to do what The Eternal One had forbidden them to do ever again.
Tom: This must be where all the abstractions hang out.
Crow: Gee, Time's had so many beers, he must be really... wasted. Heh
heh... heh....
Joel: Meanwhile, Balance was a little tipsy, Straightness was on a bender,
and Impact had gotten completely smashed.
>They played dice with lives. For that Existence would suffer greatly.
Crow: Especially since Time crapped out and Fate rolled boxcars.
Tom: Ah, so the Eternal One is Einstein?
Joel: Luckily, Niels Bohr showed up, and Einstein had to stop telling
God what to do.
>In the end it would not matter, as long as the wheel of time kept
>turning... Those two would meet again, under different circumstances.
Crow: Yeah, it's really hard to keep Lum and Ataru apart.
Joel: <Cherry> It it fate.
Tom: Am I crazy or weren't we reading a Ranma 1/2 fanfic a few
moments ago...?
>The One that was eternal knew this for he had made it so.
Joel: <Q> See how much better life is as a Q, Jean Luc?
Tom: <Eternal One> We shall let Ranma meet with Ukyou again...
but she'll be a schnauzer dog! Hahahaha!!
Crow: The Eternal One was often known by his nickname, "Gary".
><Present>
Joel: For me? Aww, you shouldn't have!
>On the middle of the great China sea Ranma ran.
Joel: ...as a slow boat was right on his heels.
Tom: <Ranma> Boy, it's a good thing they finally completed that Port
Arthur-Matsuyama bridge!
Crow: And if you squint hard enough and look under the surface, there's
Blue Submarine #6! Let's see what's going on down there....
>There were legends of great martial arts masters who could walk on
>water. Ranma mastered that when he was seven.
Crow: <Ranma> Just a simple matter of using the fish as stepping
stones....
Joel: Or just find a handy crocodile. Worked for "Pitfall".
>It had been obvious to him to take the next step.
Tom: Otherwise he would have merely been standing on water, and
that's just not as impressive, is it?
>Jogging, running. Handstands on water followed soon.
Tom: <yawns> Yeah, great. When you can summon aeons, wake me
up, okay?
Joel: But it wasn't until Genma took him for a brief trip to America and
enrolled him at 'Heavenly Bodies' that Ranma discovered the joy and
wonder of 'Dance-ercize'....
>It was even easier when you went as fast as he was going now.
Joel: Especially when everything else goes in slow motion to
accommodate you.
Crow: Lee Majors should definitely sue.
Tom: I hope Ranma remembered to put on his Aquasocks, it might
excite the sailors to see a busty woman running across the sea....
>Less weight to put to each step. The ocean waves shot past him by the
>thousands as he ran past fishing boats, taking the occasional jump off
>them.
Crow: <Walter Mattheau> What a putz!
Tom: Dinghies in the middle of the Sea of Japan... Anyone get the
feeling that "A Perfect Storm" happens often here?
>Unfortunatly he couldn't completely avoid the waterdrops. He felt his
>change. But there was something different he felt ! It must be Akanes
>spirit.
Joel: <Ranma> Strange, I have an overwhelming urge to burn
something in the oven....
>At least see will be able to see, hear and feel while the light of life
>continues. To bad the technique doesn't last longer. The fist of light
>was about manipulating the life forces within people.
Crow: ...if manipulating the life forces involves frying your fiancee, declaring
holy war and dining on her remains....
Tom: <Ranma> Can you say "Hot holy burning death-to-all comers
retribution with a cherry on top"? I knew you could....
>It was one of the most dangerous school of martial arts Ranma knew.
Joel: ...especially when the substitute arrived.
>He could simply draw the life force from someone and add it to his
>own. Achient scrolls and books told of vampires who drained life force
>from others. Superstition.
Tom: <Ranma> Yeah, the whole idea of someone being able to drain
someone else's life force is just absurd. Right, Ms. Hinako?
>Those where martial artist who had abandoned the worrior code so
>that they might live longer. Those unhonorable dogs.
Tom: And all this time, I thought Lee Van Cleef wasn't one of the
nosferatu!
Joel: So Dracula was simply a wayward Shaolin monk?
Crow: <Bela Lugosi> I have come to save your veelage and dreenk your
blood! BLAH! AH! AH!
>That was also why they had been hunted down by the other worriors
>and killed. That and also their own greed for learning the Fist of Light
>for themselves.
Tom: Those bastards! They were supposed to learn the Fist of Light
on other people!
Crow: <whiny> Come onnnn... teach me the Fist of Light so I can
kill you alreadyyyyyy!
Joel: And to think some were just content hoarding Smurfberries....
>The Fist of Light was however very difficult to use and requered
>absolute control over ones one life force and chi.
Joel: And had 1/3 less calories than our regular fist.
>One small mistake and it would have either horrible side effects or, if
>one was lucky, one would die.
Crow: <Ranma> Have to concentrate... have to concentrate... have to...
hmm, I wonder what Kasumi prepared for lunch? Oh no!
AHHHHHHHH!!!
Tom: Heh, it's gotta be better than what's in his stomach now.
>When Ranma had used it he had added Akanes life force to his own.
>She would be able to sence all that he did for a little while, but to
>maintain her spirit for the duration Ranma wanted to (which was as
>long as he could) he would die with her.
Crow: And of course Akane would WANT Ranma to die rather
than live a long and healthy life first.
Joel: <Ranma, singing> I'd die for you, I'd fly for you, I'd cross the
wide oceans for you....
Tom: Cut it out, Bon Jovi.
>But not until he had removed the Amazons influence on the world once
>and for all. And the quickest way to do that was simple. Kill them all !
Joel: ...with kindness!
Crow: Ranma practices ethnic cleansing?
Tom: Y'know, for some reason, I see Ranma as the next Al Snow.
Crow: Or Paul Bearer.
><In a certain wooden groove erlier>
Tom: Meanwhile in another flashback adding even MORE
superfluous detail to an already confusing backstory that gets
introduced by yet ANOTHER label with no narrative context
WHATSOEVER... *pant* *pant*....
Joel: Stay frosty, Tom.
>Akane and Shampoo fought. Akane fought desperately, feeling bones
>brake, limbs stop working, jaw braking.
Crow: <Akane> Gee, I wouldn't have figured Shampoo to be so fragile!
Joel: Shampoo, known as Glass Joe to her friends....
Tom: <Akane> I should've used a Louisville Slugger on her years ago!
>Shampoo fought with self assurdness. With confidence. She felt the
>satisfying crunch of Akanes jaw as she broke it with her fist, saw
>Akanes tears as she tried not to cry out in pain.
Tom: <Shao Khan> BRUTALITY!
Crow: Shampoo then decided to join the LAPD.
Joel: Old and withered, Ivan Drago found one last protege as he
roamed the wilds of China....
>"Husband stealer will not continue to hurt husband!" Shampoo said.
>"You never will have him in life!" Shampoo said.
Crow: Foreshadowing anyone?
Joel: Foreshadowing something we've already seen? Wouldn't that be
aftshadowing, or something?
Tom: <Akane> Well, why don't you go and kill HIM then?
Joel: <Shampoo> Shampoo have to wash hair tonight!
>"and now, you DIE!".
Joel: You die, Joe!
Tom: Did Sandy Frank have a hand in writing this?
Joel: No, Shampoo isn't wearing a fetching red wig.
Crow: Actually, she is. But this is anime, so nobody can notice it.
>With a well aimed fist she puched Akanes throut with as much force
>as she could muster. Akane tryed to beg for mercy, but the only sound
>she could make was a pathetic little gurgle as blood leaked from her
>mouth.
Crow: <author> Yeah, go, Shampoo! Rip her apart! Tear Akane a
new... err... I mean... gee, isn't this just awful?
Tom: And Cologne, knowing that Ranma was already powerful enough
to take on her best young warrior and defeat her, stood idly by. Yeah.
Joel: Hey, at least the author is helping us out, seeing the blood from the
mouth bit so many times in different animes gives us a good mental
picture....
Crow: Yeah, of my last root canal.
>She saw it come. For some reason she thought that the punch came at
>her so slowly. She tried to let herself fall to the earth to avoid the fist,
>but Shampoo compensated.
Crow: ...by kicking Akane back upright.
Tom: Instead she punched the ground and yelled, "Power Wave!"
Joel: Fortunately for Shampoo, it was a Wire-Fu fight.
>Akane felt sadness as she felt numbness troughout her body. She
>would never tell Ranma. Maybe if she could keep alive till he came.
Tom: Somebody get Akane a Queen album, stat!
>She knew he was on his way anyways.
Joel: Then she remembered his recent addiction to acrobatics and knew
he would never make it time.
>She heard Shampoo glote and leave, but her hearing was fading along
>with everything else.
Joel: <Akane, whispering> If you kill her, I'll come back....
Crow: And now we'll switch to Cologne's perspective during the
fight, then Mousse, then random spectators and finally the author
himself.
Tom: <Akane> Maybe if I play dead, Shampoo will leave... aww damn,
I ain't playin' anymore... *gack*.
>"Just keep heering My own heartbeat until Ranma gets hear" she told
>herself. "Just one kiss, just three little words and I can go and meet
>mother".
Joel: <Akane's mother> We've already met, dear.
Crow: <Ranma> *smooch* Kiss off, Akane.
Tom: <Akane> Sweet release. Ahhhh... I see Spock.
>She didn't know how long she had waited, but she could only hear
>faint noises. She thought she could hear Ranma say something. WAS
>HE HERE ?
Joel: He WAS till your caps lock outburst scared him away!
Tom: <Ranma> Ccccc... CAPS! AAAHHHH!!
>I gotta tell him.
Crow: <Akane> ...about the rabbits, George.
Joel: <Akane> Ranma, I'm still in love with Dr. Tofu. Could
you tell him for me? Thanks, you're a pal.
Tom: <Akane> Instead, I'll start a countdown for no particular reason.
Five... four... three... two... one... zero! Whee, fun!
>She felt something pull her away. IT WAS HER MOTHER, ASKING
>HER TO JOIN HER IN THE KITCHEN.
Joel: <chuckles> Now THAT warrants the use of the caps lock.
Crow: Aww, man, she's in heaven while everyone else is in hell!
What a paradox!
Tom: Little did Akane know that Mrs. Tendo was really C-ko Kotobuki
in another life...
>"Why don't you make some food with me" she said. But she only
>wanted to make food for Ranma.
Joel: <Akane> I AM the food....
Crow: <Ranma> And you were mighty tasty too... <urp> ... having a
little trouble with the digestion though... <gurgle>....
>So she tried to stay just a little longer. Suddenly she saw her body turn
>to ashes. She was the ashes. Or her spirit dwelt in them.
Tom: <author> Or something. Look, it's just too complicated to
explain in detail, okay?!?
Crow: <Akane> Ranma! Can't you read the directions? I'm supposed
to be boiled, not roasted!
>And then everything whent black.
Crow: <Akane> No, not Cajun either! BOILED!
Joel: She was now... a member of AC/DC.
><the present>
Crow: Hmm, there's a card... JOHN DOE?!?
Tom: Good, now can we STICK to the present instead of randomly
flashing back every four paragraphs?
>Flight 701 from Tokyo to Hong Kong was aproching China soon. Jane
>Chang had been on a holiday to Japan.
Crow: Holy Cripes on Toast! This fanfic has more subplots than Pod
People!
Joel: Meanwhile, Rhonda and Bob discover a new love for one another,
while Sally's blonde assistant Doug's half-brother Ray travels to Pago
Pago to bring back the cure for Ken's sister's cousin's babysitter's
lumbago....
Tom: Somewhere a hiatus hernia is lurking.
>It had been wonderful, especially Okinawa. Oh well, she sighed. Back
>to work.
Crow: <Chang> Back to sniffing out the capitalist pig-dogs that
threaten the mighty State.
Joel: <Jane Chang> 'The Karate Kid Part II' experience was wonderful
but it had to end sometime I guess....
>She looked out the window thinking these thoughts as she saw a red
>haired young woman in a chinese shirt sitting on the wing of the
>airplane with a serious expression on her face. Glowing with a swirl
>of colors.
Tom: She's really gotta lay off the free booze.
Crow: <Chang> THERE'S A WOMAN ON THE WING OF
THE PLANE!!!
Tom: Didn't Shatner do a Twilight Zone that was like this?
Joel: <Shatner> Got...to...climb...onto...wing! Must...get...stewardess...
into...upright...locked...position!
>She wondered if this was the inflight movie and how those clever
>technical people had been able to fit a television screen inside each
>window. All this modern technology made her head spin.
Tom: Or maybe that was an airplane experiencing turbulence from
a woman sitting on the wing....
Joel: <Jane Chang> Ooh, that reminds me! I hear I can go to
the bathroom on flights now! Ain't modern technology sometin?
Yeee Ha!
Crow: She sounds more like a Chinese representative at the Epcot
World Tour.
>She could berely pretend she was able to use the travel agency software
>at work.
Crow: Which is either pathetic, or beside the point, depending on whether
she actually has a job as a travel agent.
Tom: And just when some backstory would come in handy, it's nowhere
to be found. Thank you, fanfic!
>She didn't like the expression on the main character of this movie. It
>seemed terribly twisted with whatever grief-stricken emotions she was
>feeling.
Joel: Nah, that's just the air pressure.
Crow: <Chang> I like my actresses WOODEN, dammit!
Tom: So we're dealing with Harley Quinn?
>Great actress she thought, although she wondered why it was that she
>had never seen her before in any other movie. She must be one of
>those new young actresses that were doing so well these days.
Joel: Yeah, what young actress nowadays hasn't sat on the wing of a
plane to gain acceptance in Hollywood?
Tom: And Ranma is currently starring in... "Airplane '02: It's Better
Because There's No George Kennedy"!
>She could see why the director had choosen her for the leed part. Two
>BIG reasons in fact.
Joel: <Chang, singing> I like... big... butts and I can not lie! You other
sisters can't de-ny!
Crow: Acting skills be damned, it's all about the breasts!
Tom: <Chang> Mmmm, nice... Roger Corman always did have
good taste....
>Oh well, she preferred to sleep the rest of the way, so she slid down
>the window cover to shut the TV screen off.
Joel: To a dreamland filled with double-D bras.
Crow: If only we could be so lucky.
>Ranma didn't like waiting any moment longer. He felt something out
>of order within him. His control of the lifelight must be dwindlin or
>somethin'.
Joel: <Ranma> I'd better take a moment to adjust my f-stop.
Crow: So the narrator has taken to using Ranma's voice now?
Tom: <Author> Say hello to the nice readers, Ranma!
Crow <Ranma> Hey, get your hand outta my butt!
>He had decided to recollect a bit of his chi to be able to wipe that damn
>amazon village of the face of the earth, and then Shampoo and Cologne.
Crow: <Ranma> First on to-do list, killing innocents. THEN the real
revenge begins! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Tom: Isn't that sinking to Cologne and Shampoo's level? Come
on, Ranma, show some integrity!
Joel: Tragically, Ranma never made it back to the Amazon village, as
the plane he was on was hijacked to Luton.
>He jumped of the wing, feeling the air around him kiss every curve of
>his female body.
Joel: Perri-Air provided by Happosai.
Crow: Call me crazy but I'm sensing a certain level of lusting for Ranma
here....
Tom: Well, now she's two women in one!
>He landed in a handstand and a roll; took his bearings and ran towards
>the Joketsuzuko village.
Crow: First splinting his wrists and cursing the air one last time....
Joel: Ranma Saotome IS John Rambo!
>He suddenly felt all his limbs, his eyesight and hearing fade away.
>"NO, NOT YET, NOT YET!" he thought despirately.
Joel: <Ranma> I... WILL... NOT... HAVE... JELLO... TODAY!!!
Crow: Only then did Ranma notice his neck bent at an unnatural
angle....
Tom: Time Limit Expired. Quit or Retry?
>Akane could feel how control of her body came back to her. Her
>eyesight, her hearing. All of it. That must mean that she was alive !
Tom: ...only to shriek in horror as she glanced down and noticed
her head in a pan.
Joel: And since Akane didn't possess the absolute control over her life
force and chi that Ranma did, she died immediately afterwards, right?
Right??
>That she could still tell Ranma. Still be with him ! Fate must smile
>upon her ! She felt even more alive than normally. Her eyesight was
>so sharp. Her responses so fast and accurate.
Crow: Her sentences so clipped.
Tom: Her breasts still being fondled by thin air...?
Joel: Her cooking... well, let's not push our luck, shall we?
>Her hearing sensing every little detail of her enviroment. She looked
>down upon herself to check for wounds.
Joel: <Akane> Yep, there they are... wow, so that's what my
spleen looks like!
Crow: She might want to pick her jaw up off the ground, dust it off,
and go about reconnecting it....
>When she saw the shirt she was wearing along with the two huge
>mounts that where *definatly NOT hers* she suddenly realised who,
>or more accurately, in what body she dwelled.
Tom: <Akane> I'm Shampoo? Well, I guess that's cosmic justice.
Joel: Man, if you're that fixated on breasts, just write a lemon
already. Get it out of your system.
Crow: Then, Akane decided to disrobe and play with her new soft,
supple milkbags. Faster and faster she twirled her fingers along her new
areolae...
Joel: Crow! I was talking to the author!
Crow: Heh heh.
>Akane screamed Ranma Chan's lungs out !
Joel: She's veritably screaming at her own avocados.
Tom: Akane's really racking up the injuries, isn't she?
>Cologne could not believe how fast he was going. She was exhausted
>from having to push herself so much.
Crow: <Cologne> Why don't I just use a rickshaw? Pulling myself
has to be a little quicker at least...
Joel: Hey! She's cheating! She's supposed to be doing acrobatics!
Tom: This is like the Bolshoi Ballet on steroids.
>//more middle story stuff here.
Tom: SCENE MISSING.
Joel: <Mr. Pither> Phew. What an amazing escape!
Crow: The chimps went on strike... the banana fund ultimately
proved to be too little.
>Epilouge
All: WHAAAAAAT?!?
Crow: Oh terrific. We suffered through all those subplots, setups and
backstory and the story ISN'T EVEN FINISHED?!? REFUND!
REFUND!
Joel: <author> Let's see... I'll add another dozen "Akane stares at her
new breasts" paragraphs, maybe throw in some screaming Amazons, some
death, murder, and mayhem, and lots of entropy....
Tom: Ranma's done fighting Amazons. In total, seven hundred fifty
killed, none wounded, none living. Akane's spirit has moved to the body
of Kodachi now, and between her control on Ranma and her control on
Principal Kuno, she has all of Nerima at her feet.
Crow: That's next on Geraldo.
>The One that was eternal watched as the wheel of time turned once
>again a full circle.
Tom: Landing on... BANKRUPT.
Crow: <Eternal Champion> Man, when are they going to make a sequel
for me? It's been eight years already, somebody get Sega's butt in gear!
Joel: Thankfully the wheel had one of those tires that still keeps air even
when popped with plotholes.
>He watched the events of past eternities move in similar patterns. He
>always amazed himself with this creation of his. He concentrated on
>watching the events happening in a particular house in Japan.
Tom: The Maison Ikkoku?
Joel: Oh, it's RpM.
Crow: Nope, it's Keitaro being pummeled by Naru yet again.
>The youngest Tendo reached out a hand to Ranma-chan. "You want to
>be friends?" Ranma smiled at that and nodded, a little shy.
Tom: Soun, you randy buggah! You went and got another kid with
Hinako-sensei!
Crow: How'd she even survive labor?
Joel: Don't ask!
>Perhaps it would go better this time around the eternal one thought.
>Yes, perhaps I should make sure. The lines of those two's destinies had
>crossed so many times on the wheel that he would do what he did very
>seldom. He changed the rules.
Tom: Soon, Ranma's series became dead dull! Subscriptions to Shonen
Sunday were canceled by the thousands!
Crow: And lo, did Takahashi Rumiko discover who was messing with
her continuity, and verily struck she down the Eternal One, destroying
him utterly!
All: A-MEN!
>Spring two years later.
>"I do," Akane said.
Joel: ...gee, thanks, Akane! Come on, Kodachi! Let's get hitched!
Crow: Now is this before or after all the bombs were set off?
Tom: <Nabiki> Okay then, all I need is your signature on the contract
and we're ready.
>"By the power vested in me in pronounce you husband and wife".
>Akane kissed Ranma passionately on the lips.
Joel: <Ryouga> Hey! You're supposed to kiss me, not the best man!
Crow: <Akane> Sorry, last fling, I promise!
>The Eternal one smiled. He just loved happy endings.
Tom: Especially implausible ones that skip over the core of the entire
story!
Joel: <author> And just wait till I finish the middle of this story, it'll
make the ending seem even happier!
>begal
Crow: Yeah, I'll take a bagel too. With extra cream cheese and a side
of what the hell was that?
>Freyr Gunnar Ólafsson
>gna...@utopia.is
Tom: I guess that's better than a Gwarlin.
Joel: Gee... what do you say about a fanfic like this?
Crow: Me? Sheesh, where to start... a beginning that hopped around
more than a cabbit fed with Peeps for five days straight, a lot of
canon-ignoring, Ranma's SUPAR SPECIAL SK33LZ combined with
rampant cannibalism that would impress the Aztecs...
Tom: Somehow or another, Ranma ends up on the wing of a plane and
from then on, her poor breasts are fondled by inanimate objects and her
fiancee... and the ending has nothing to do with the plot presented
before us....
Joel: The brutality of Shampoo and abrupt willingness to kill when she
was unwilling to kill Ranma as a girl... not to mention Ranma's own
brutality in response as he contemplates a genocidal rampage, which
the author seemingly expects us to CHEER him for....
Tom: Yep. I don't wanna get preachy here, but if you peeked into the
minds of the perpetrators of some of history's greatest atrocities, what
you'd find probably wouldn't be too different from the Ranma in this
fic. But gee, I guess it's okay for somebody to be a drooling psychotic
killer as long as he's on *our* side, right?
Crow: And let's not forget the author's whole obsession with Ranma's
breasts. Either he secretly wanted to turn this into a lemon... not that
there's anything wrong with that... or he had to request some mucho
funding from the breast council, but since it WASN'T a lemon, it was
a little distracting to be honest....
Joel: <chuckles> Yeah, it's also sad when the deus ex machina is all
that's really focused on at the end...
Tom: Heh, well, calling it a deus ex machina may be overinflating its
worth, Joel. Trying to engage your readers' emotions is all well and
good, but it's always a good idea to make sure your story doesn't require
leaving their higher brain functions behind....
Crow: Speaking of higher brain functions, let's put ours to good use and
FIND THAT LCM ON-SWITCH!
Tom: Right on! Follow that bird, Joel!
(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"That's it... I give up... we're never going to find it...." Crow sighed
as he stretched his arms above his head. He and Tom had been searching
for the elusive on-switch to their LCM for hours now with no success
other than a brief but enjoyable encounter with the pleasure ribs.
"Come on, we're robots! We can pull an all-nighter!" Tom whined
as he relentlessly continued his search.
"Nah, I need to recharge and besides... even if we did get it to work,
Joel would probably shut it off to teach us the value of doing our own
chores or something...." Crow muttered.
"Not if the defense mechanisms we installed work like we planned...
come on, just five more minutes... please?" Tom begged.
"You said that fifteen minutes ago... twice! I'm done for the night!
Seeya later!" Crow replied as he left the bridge towards his room.
"Quitter!" Tom shouted after him before returning his attention to
the machine. After another few minutes though, he finally sighed and
slumped against the machine, admitting defeat.
Suddenly a low whistle began to emit from the machine. Tom
immediately lifted his head as the whistling grew louder. Glancing
back down again, Tom was stunned to realize that by pure blind luck, he
had accidentally leaned against the magical "on" switch.
"I did it? I DID IT! IT WORKS!! IT WORKS!!!" Tom exclaimed as
the machine slowly came to life while Crow, Joel and Gypsy rushed onto
the bridge. They all stared in wonder as the device slowly rose off the
floor, resembling a UFO as it flashed a multitude of colors.
"It's... beautiful...." Crow whispered.
"It's... perfect...." Tom added as the colored lights reflected off his
bubbledome.
Suddenly, Joel's voice was filled with panic. "It's... GOING TO
EXPLODE!!!"
Joel quickly grabbed his bots and pulled them down to the floor
behind the counter as the colored lights of the LCM pulsated. Numerous
appendages flailed wildly. Electricity flowing over its metallic frame like
cheesy effects in a Billy Joel video. Finally, the device gave up the ghost
and exploded in a massive flash of white light.
It was several moments later before Joel found the courage to peer
over the counter and winced as the bridge now resembled a buffet table
after a Star Jones rampage. Joel glanced down at Crow and Tom, who
were trying very hard to fade into the background.
"Uh... I guess you're pretty upset with us, huh?" Crow remarked
sheepishly.
"Would it help to say we're sorry?" Tom offered.
"Let's put it this way... don't expect any milk and crackers for a while."
Joel sighed as he noticed the red button flashing. "Uh, what do you think,
sirs?"
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Forrester's voice was filled with panic as he replied. "Never mind
that, Joel! You have to help me! Something went horribly wrong with
the bug spray and now Frank is... is...."
A high pitched humming sound had Dr. Forrester scrambling to get
under the desk as a recently mutated Frank hovered overhead, his head
now resembling a female mosquito. As he passed by, Dr. Forrester peered
over the console, his eyes wide with terror.
"I should have known something was wrong when Frank used maple
syrup on the burgers... still, I'd better clear out for a while until it wears
off... oh lord, please let it wear off...."
As Dr. Forrester quickly made his way towards the vault doors, Frank's
shadow suddenly eclipsed him. Paralyzed with fear, Dr. Forrester remembered
what people in horror films did in situations like this and immediately went to
pieces.
"Reeeeelax, Steeeeeeve... my babies just need your bloooood....". Frank
buzzed as he drew closer.
"Help me, Joel... help meeeeeee...."
...AND THE MSTINGS
CONTINUE...
I hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
(mega...@rogers.com) (zo...@yahoo.com)
Author's Notes: Ahh, it feels good to return to Ranma 1/2! While I
enjoy finding new series to MST, it's a relief to come back to my
personal favorites and this was no exception. And while nothing is set
in stone yet, I may stick with Ranma a while longer or try a Digimon
fanfic if I can find one that works for me.
I've been MSTing almost five years now and I want to thank each
and every person who's send me words of support and encouragement
and who have helped me throughout these last three years. I treasure
every piece of fan mail I receive and I consider it a great honor that
some people have dedicated their MSTings to me and tell me that I
helped encourage them to start MSTing. To all of you, thank you from
the bottom of my heart and I hope I can continue to inspire and make
you laugh for a long time to come. :)
I'd like to give personal thanks to Zoogz, who helped me with some
in-depth C&C and suggested riffs for this MSTing. He is a very funny
and talented author and you can find his Mystery Science Cinema series
at http://www.nabiki.com/mst/zoogz/mst/ including his latest MSTing
'Nyquil Doom' w/short 'Changes'. He is also editing several FFIRC
group MSTings including 'Battle Royale', and he is currently finishing
up the first chapter of a fanfic collaboration with Rahkal called "Crossed
Signals", coming soon to a fanfiction archive near you!
Also, I'd like to give personal thanks, once again, to Gary Kleppe, whose
C&C and suggestions are always appreciated. I can't say enough nice
things about this guy! :) If you haven't had a chance to check out his
latest works 'Tenshi', 'Ryouga's Demon' and revisions of HaM, you can
reach him at kle...@mediaone.net or his webpage at
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html and I'm sure he'll be happy
to send the story along to you.
Additionally, The 2002 Chicken Ball Awards are progressing well, with
the voting period closed and the presentations being planned out.
Hopefully in a month or so, it should be good to go. Feel free to visit our
webpage at http://www.rakhal.com/cb/cbvote.html or read previous CB
awards at http://www.thekeep.org/~harnums/CB/
Incidently, The Placid Jack Acid has been kicking it up a notch by
releasing several new revisions of his MST 3001 series. All these plus
his latest MST 'AlienNation', can be found at
http://www.nabiki.com/mst/j_acid/ (We're also hard at work on a group
project that must remain secret for now. ;P) You can find his awesome
MST3K artwork scattered around the site and hopefully he will be
providing some more pictures for AMFAS soon. He can be contacted by
e-mail at same...@hotmail.com
Finally, I'd like to again thank Freyr Gunnar Ólafsson for writing 'Ranma's
Revenge' and giving me her blessing to MST it as well as a lot of material to
work with. I hope you're not offended. It's all meant in good fun. :)
'A MSTing for All Seasons'
http://www.nabiki.com/mst
Shinji's Vault of Anime MSTings
http://lefty.simplenet.com/svam/
SEASON ONE
------------------
101- "GAMES" by Artemis (SM Lemon)
102- "ARTEMIS'S LOVER" (Original Draft) by Oscar (SM Lemon)
103- "SAILOR JUPITER VS. GODZILLA" by The Flashman
(SM/GODZILLA CROSSOVER)
104- "JUDGE BRAINITITE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
w/short "RANMA 1/2: ACCUSED PT. 1" by Karmin (R1/2 Fanfic)
105- "THE WAR" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
106- "TRANSITIONS" by Richard Lawson (Nuku Nuku Fanfic)
107- "HELLRAISERS" (Original Draft) by Aaron Eaton
(La Blue Girl/Overfiend/Original Crossover)
108- "MEN OF BOKKEN" by M. Llave (R1/2 Fanfic)
109- "BISHOUJO SENSHI ROYAL RUMBLE" by Ken Hoinsky
(SM/WWF Crossover)
w/short "THE DINNER PARTY" by Chris Curzon (SM/RL Crossover)
110- "XMAS SPECIAL: SAILOR MOON MEETS FATHER
CHRISTMAS" by Dr. Thinker (SM Christmas Fanfic)
SEASON TWO
-------------------
201- "THAT GIRL" PT. 1-2 by Oscar (SM Lemon)
202- "VIRGIN WARRIOR SAILOR MOON" by Umino (SM Lemon)
203- "*R*P*M*" by Ryot (SM/SPAWN Crossover)
204- "RANKO'S LIFE" PT. 1-2 by Hitomi Ichinohei (R1/2 Fanfic)
205- "TRAPPED" by Mr_Jazz (SM Lemon)
206- "OSCAR TOON" PT. 1-4 by Oscar (SM/DBZ/WB Crossover)
207- "CALIFORNIA DREAMING" by Shakari (Mutiple Crossovers)
208- "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PT. 1-2 by Sheep (R1/2 Fanfic)
209- "TRIANGLE TANGLE" by CATS (SM Lemon)
210- "THE KIDNAPPING" PT. 1-2 by SMendou (UY Lemon)
SEASON THREE
----------------------
301- "A WET DREAM COME TRUE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Lemon)
302- "TORTURED ECHO" PT. 1-4 by Trakal (R1/2 Fanfic)
303- "RANMA KILLS!" PT. 1-2 by Sir Asayogure (R1/2 Fanfic)
304- "OKONOMIYAKI SUMMER" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
w/short "UNDER THE MISTLETOE" by Mike Rhea (R1/2 Fanfic)
305- "XMAS SPECIAL: A CHRISTMAS FIT FOR A POKEMON"
by Dr. Thinker (Pokemon Christmas Fanfic)
306- "9-BALL DREAMS" PT. 1-2 by Mr_Jazz (SM Crossover Lemon)
307- "WINTER" by Joseph Palmer (R1/2 Fanfic)
308- "UKYO GETS WHAT SHE DESERVES" PT. 1-2 by R_Vincent
(R1/2 Lemon)
309- "I WANT TO MEET A PRINCE LIKE DEAR OLD DAD, MOM,
SIS, BRO & FRISKY!" by Katherine (Utena Lemon)
310- "THE IO SAGA" PT. 1-4 by Sarah J. Gates (SM Fanfic)
SEASON FOUR
--------------------
401- "LINES AS Q PART 2" PT. 1-2 by Dave Hines (ST:TNG Fanfic)
402- "RAW IS ORO" by Jedi Master Horace (WWF/Rurouni Kenshin
Crossover)
403- "SABLE TAKES THE GOLD" by Martin4Life (WWF Lemon)
404- "SOMETIMES" by Writer By The Sea (SM/GW Crossover)
405- "WELCOME TO MY NIGHTMARE, CHARLIE BROWN" by Ryot
(Original Fanfic)
406- "RANMA'S REVENGE" by Freyr Gunnar Ólafsson (R1/2 Fanfic)
SHORTY!
-------------
101- SUBLIMINALLY SEDUCE WOMEN INSTANTLY!
102- THE UGLIEST WOMEN ON THE NET!
103- PHEROMONES!
104- THE INTERNET SPY AND YOU!!
105- THE SECRET FLAW!
OTHER MSTINGS I'VE CONTRIBUTED TO
---------------------------------------------------------
"DIMISIONAL TROUBLE" by Dr. Thinker (SM Fanfic)
"MOONDUSTED" by Stephen Ratliff (SM/TNG Crossover)
"THE COUNTESS CHRONICLES" by Lin Lin (SM Dark Lemon)
"9 1/2 CHIPMUNKS" by Toon Dreams (Rescue Rangers Yaoi Lemon)
'MYSTERY WRESTLING THEATER 3000', POST 105: DOUBLE TROUBLE!
(Two interviews with the Ultimate Warrior and '3:16 Rulzs!' by Oracle)
"THE DAY OF EMERGANCE" by Jeffrey Lee
(Ranma 1/2/Eddings/SM Crossover)
*Recent Collaberations*
"REDHEADS" by Robert "Kenko" Haynie
(Slayers/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"WILD SILVER" by Francis Bourque
(Sailor Moon/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"RELATIONSHIPS" by Sidewinder
(Neon Genesis Evangelion/Sailor Moon Crossover)
"A LITTLE CHANGE OF PLANS" by Wishbringer
(Neon Genesis Evangelion/Ranma 1/2 Crossover)
"HOUSE OF IKARI'" by Teisu
(Neon Genesis Evangelion)
OTHER GREAT WEBPAGES WORTH VISITING
- Zoogz's Fanfiction and Fandom Page
http://www.nav.to/Zoogz
- Gary Kleppe's Comics and Manga Page
http://www.akane.org/gary/comics.html
- The Homepage of Jeffrey "Oneshot"Wong
http://www.anime.sobhrach.com\~jeffwong\index.html
- 'SuicideBlast' by: Keener
http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Temple/3342/Suicide.html
- Additional links for Keener's stuff
http://tmffa.com/
- Website Number 9 MSTings
http://pinky.wtower.com/mst3k/mistings.shtml
- Lord Carnage's Cursed Fanboys Page!
http://carnage.fanfic.org
- A Sailor Moon Romance
http://www.moonromance.com/
- Zen's Fanfiction Page
http://www.mindspring.com/~databank/fanfics.html
- Webdragon's Lair
http://members.tripod.com/~WebDragon/
- Sean Gaffney's Webpage
http://www.thekeep.org/~sean/index.html
Seanbaby's NES Page
http://www.seanbaby.com/nes.htm
X-Entertainment
http://www.x-entertainment.com/
Whatever-Dude.com
http://www.whatever-dude.com/index.shtml
">She could see why the director had choosen her for the leed part. Two
>BIG reasons in fact."
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations
are trademarks of and (c) 2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights
reserved.
Keep Circulating the Fanfics....