[HUMOR] - Lines We'd Like to Hear in "Star Trek"

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Stan Jensen

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Apr 15, 2004, 10:27:12 PM4/15/04
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Sometimes the characters just don't say what we want them to say. Here's
our own dialogue.


Lines We'd Like to Hear in "Star Trek"

"Open the shuttle bay door, Scotty."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Jim."

Captain Picard to Commander Riker: "If that damned Lwaxana Troi makes one
more pass at me, I swear I'll paste her one!!"

"Thousands spent for a new nose, higher cheekbones, and thicker lips and I
wind up as another friggin' alien under latex."

"Hey, is anyone taking notes on these missions? It'd be nuts if in about 70
years, some other captain thought he was making first contact with all
these people."

"Nice skull ridges. Are you a Klingon, or just happy to see me?"

"Computer, five to beam down, but the one in the red shirt won't be coming
back."

"Girls, he may be the first handsome space explorer to land on our planet,
but he only has one male member, so we'll have to take
turns."

"Ya gotta admire the Borg about one thing. They may strip off half of what
makes us human -- but they still leave on the breasts."

"Beverly, I understand that adolescence is a difficult time for your son,
but he simply can't be doing *that* kind of thing in the holodeck."

"Chekov, I keep telling you, in space no one can hear your cheesy accent!"

"Is it just me, or do most of our problems start with a holodeck
malfunction?"

"Yeah, I would've thought being lost on the far side of the galaxy without
any aid or backup would've been a lot more exciting, too. Go figure."

"Open your OWN damn hailing frequencies!"

"Mister Spock, please stop practicing your Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Uhura's
perky buttocks."

"Captain, the tricorder is picking up signs of thinly-veiled social
commentary."

"Why, no, Counselor, my visor *can't* see through a StarFleet uniform.
Really. I swear."

"Shore leave by the beach? Time to get the tribble trimmed."

"Captain, Wesley's perverted little teenage mind is overpowering any
emotions I might be able to feel from our foes. Could you please ask him to
stop staring at me?"

"We Vulcans were taught how to shun emotion by our great teacher, Al Gore."

"Seven of Nine, your new assignment will be, um, whatever is supposed to be
done at that station over there, directly under the cold air vent."

and the Number 1 Line We'd Like to Hear in "Star Trek"...

"Captain, I've upgraded the ship's power source to dilithium crystal meth.
She'll go twice as fast but only if you wear a purple feathered hat with a
faux leopard skin trench coat and beat her twice a week."

jesus X

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Apr 15, 2004, 11:25:26 PM4/15/04
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On 4/15/2004 10:27 PM Stan Jensen cranked up the brainbox and said:

> "Thousands spent for a new nose, higher cheekbones, and thicker lips and I
> wind up as another friggin' alien under latex."

And boobs. They all buy new boobs.

> "Girls, he may be the first handsome space explorer to land on our planet,
> but he only has one male member, so we'll have to take
> turns."

Hey, do you happen to have coordinates for that planet?

> "Ya gotta admire the Borg about one thing. They may strip off half of what
> makes us human -- but they still leave on the breasts."

See #1. All that liquid silicone/saline makes for good heat sinks.

> "Beverly, I understand that adolescence is a difficult time for your son,
> but he simply can't be doing *that* kind of thing in the holodeck."

You know MOST of them did this once and a while. Hell, we even met who Kate
Janeway was doing the holographic hula with.

> "Is it just me, or do most of our problems start with a holodeck
> malfunction?"

Obviously there's no such thing as Norton AntiVirus for holodecks.

> "Captain, the tricorder is picking up signs of thinly-veiled social
> commentary."

Hey, this might cast a bad Stigma on Trek. Let That Be Your Last Battlefield,
you you might not see any Justice, unless you have a Death Wish, in which case
you'll find yourself in the Past Tense (both parts).

> "Shore leave by the beach? Time to get the tribble trimmed."

LOL!

--
jesus X [ Booze-fueled paragon of pointless cruelty and wanton sadism. ]
email [ jesus_x @ mozillanews.org ]
web [ http://www.mozillanews.org ]
insult [ As usual, you've been a real pantload. ]
warning [ Don't touch that! You might mutate your fingers. ]

Al Smith

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Apr 16, 2004, 12:31:47 AM4/16/04
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"Damn Picard. Why does he get to fly the big ship, while I only
get to fly the little ship? It's a conspiracy against me, because
I'm black, and because I'm bald, and because I talk to spiritual
beings who aren't there that no one else can see, and go into
trances, and lose track of time, and sometimes get possessed, and
think that I'm a religious prophet. It's so unfair."

Bozo the Evil Klown

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Apr 16, 2004, 1:44:37 PM4/16/04
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Stan Jensen <sp...@wonderful.spam> wrote in message news:<c0hu701u7qepaihtv...@4ax.com>...

> Sometimes the characters just don't say what we want them to say. Here's
> our own dialogue.
>
>
> Lines We'd Like to Hear in "Star Trek"
>
> "Open the shuttle bay door, Scotty."
> "I'm afraid I can't do that, Jim."

"Scotty, why is there so much duct tape all over the damned warp
core?"

> Captain Picard to Commander Riker: "If that damned Lwaxana Troi makes one
> more pass at me, I swear I'll paste her one!!"

Is Betazed "Planet of the Psychic Sluts?"

> "Thousands spent for a new nose, higher cheekbones, and thicker lips and I
> wind up as another friggin' alien under latex."

And Blalock could have saved money on the breast implants if she'd
known they would have her carrying around foam rubber beach balls
under her catsuit.

> "Hey, is anyone taking notes on these missions? It'd be nuts if in about 70
> years, some other captain thought he was making first contact with all
> these people."

I'm thinking the memory parasites Archer had in "Twilight" were
*always* there; the anomaly just illuminated them so Phlox could see
them and work out a solution to destroy them.

> "Nice skull ridges. Are you a Klingon, or just happy to see me?"

Anyone else notice how they were randomly rethinking the ridges in
"Star Trek Six?"

> "Computer, five to beam down, but the one in the red shirt won't be coming
> back."

"Come on, Ensign Kenny- get back on the transporter stage!"

> "Girls, he may be the first handsome space explorer to land on our planet,
> but he only has one male member, so we'll have to take
> turns."

At least the universality of aluminum-foil bikinis proves the universe
*does* have a god.

> "Ya gotta admire the Borg about one thing. They may strip off half of what
> makes us human -- but they still leave on the breasts."

A computer-integrated society would need to be able to store silicone
all through the Collective.

> "Beverly, I understand that adolescence is a difficult time for your son,
> but he simply can't be doing *that* kind of thing in the holodeck."

"He can't just 'borrow' the Orc from Worf's calisthenics program to
play 'Lord of the Rings!!' "

> "Chekov, I keep telling you, in space no one can hear your cheesy accent!"

<Yeah, just *wait* until the Psi Corp takes over this ship and *I'm*
in command, Captain Toupee!!>

> "Is it just me, or do most of our problems start with a holodeck
> malfunction?"

"Primitive programmers used a fail-safe called the
'three-finger-salute' that was lost in Eugenics War III."

> "Yeah, I would've thought being lost on the far side of the galaxy without
> any aid or backup would've been a lot more exciting, too. Go figure."

"Fortunately the Captain snapped under the strain immediately, just to
save time."

> "Open your OWN damn hailing frequencies!"

"We represent a deposed Prince trying to smuggle 5 billion credits out
of Gorn territory. Just send me your bank account and social security
number, and when we transfer the money through your account you can
keep 20 percent FREE!!!"

> "Mister Spock, please stop practicing your Vulcan Nerve Pinch on Uhura's
> perky buttocks."

Logic suggests that she has other perky sites on which to practice
pinching techniques.

> "Captain, the tricorder is picking up signs of thinly-veiled social
> commentary."

"Sensors show no sign of continuity anywhere in this sector."

> "Why, no, Counselor, my visor *can't* see through a StarFleet uniform.
> Really. I swear."

Yeah, like you'd need that with Counselor Cleavage. We saw more
modest dancing girls on Argelius.

> "Shore leave by the beach? Time to get the tribble trimmed."

Fredericks of the Federation lingerie catalog shows some intriguing
erogenous zones some species try to barely hide...

> "Captain, Wesley's perverted little teenage mind is overpowering any
> emotions I might be able to feel from our foes. Could you please ask him to
> stop staring at me?"

Yeah, like the Ferengi are going to be thinking anything different
from a teenage boy...

> "We Vulcans were taught how to shun emotion by our great teacher, Al Gore."

I thought that was Robert Beltran?

> "Seven of Nine, your new assignment will be, um, whatever is supposed to be
> done at that station over there, directly under the cold air vent."

And *this time, when you find your humanity again, duct-tape that
sucker to your ass!!"

> and the Number 1 Line We'd Like to Hear in "Star Trek"...
>
> "Captain, I've upgraded the ship's power source to dilithium crystal meth.
> She'll go twice as fast but only if you wear a purple feathered hat with a
> faux leopard skin trench coat and beat her twice a week."

"Captain, Mr. Mayweather transferred back to his family's freighter.
There's an Ensign Sam Kinneson coming up to the Bridge to replace
him."

*****
The Joker in the Eeeeeeevil Cabal Deck of Cards.

"My dog has rights!!" Jonathan Archer

"The Romulan Star Empire? What's that?" Ibid

"Have you ever known me to do anything foolish?" Ibid

Keeper of the Purple Twilight

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Apr 16, 2004, 5:28:31 PM4/16/04
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Bozo the Evil Klown wrote:

> "Scotty, why is there so much duct tape all over the damned warp
> core?"

<Red Green>
Duct tape: The Starfleet Engineer's secret weapon.

Keep your bat'leth on the ice!
</Red Green>

--
"No urban night is like the night [in NYC]...here is our poetry, for we
have pulled down the stars to our will."
- Ezra Pound, poet and critic, 9/18/1912, reflecting on New York City

Kweeg

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Apr 17, 2004, 7:18:59 PM4/17/04
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Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
thing, your braver than I thought."

--
QaPla'
Kweeg
http://members.shaw.ca/iksbloodoath


The Merry Piper

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Apr 17, 2004, 7:57:27 PM4/17/04
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On Sat, 17 Apr 2004 23:18:59 GMT, "Kweeg" <kw...@startrekmail.com>
wrote:

>Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
>thing, your braver than I thought."

Of course, Picard wouldn't say that unless he had a staff meeting to
discuss it, first! :-)

--
Piper
http://tmpiper.livejournal.com/
(Take your coat off to send an e-mail)

Kweeg

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Apr 17, 2004, 8:15:04 PM4/17/04
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"The Merry Piper" <merry_p...@coat.yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:f2h380th4kmevrnjh...@4ax.com...

> On Sat, 17 Apr 2004 23:18:59 GMT, "Kweeg" <kw...@startrekmail.com>
> wrote:
>
> >Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
> >thing, your braver than I thought."
>
> Of course, Picard wouldn't say that unless he had a staff meeting to
> discuss it, first! :-)
>

LOL

Starshine Moonbeam

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Apr 18, 2004, 8:01:09 PM4/18/04
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In article <DXigc.149484$Pk3.55195@pd7tw1no>,
"Kweeg"(kw...@startrekmail.com) dropped a +5 bundle of words...

> Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
> thing, your braver than I thought."

Too bad Princess Leia said it in the original Star Wars.

--
mhm 31x9
Smeeter #28, 29, or 30
WSD #30
Skep-ti-cult ID# 365-12149-907
Alcatroll Labs Inc. (Division of Incendiary Devices)
StArSHiNe_MoOnbEAm aT HoTMaIL DoT cOM
http://www.geocities.com/tobydog9

"Technology is getting better and that's fine but most of the time,
all you need is a stick of gum, a pocketknife, and a smile."
-- Robert Redford "Spy Game"

"You can run but you'll just die tired and buttered."
-- Ryannosaurus

Bo Raxo

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Apr 18, 2004, 10:01:15 PM4/18/04
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Scotty looks at a new prototype starship and exclaims, "Now that's a bonny
beast. Wish I had that engine room instead o' the old pile a' junk they
gave me wi' this ship."


Eric Newman

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Apr 18, 2004, 11:57:28 PM4/18/04
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On Sun, 18 Apr 2004 19:01:09 -0500, Starshine Moonbeam
<silve...@tacoshells.com> wrote:

>In article <DXigc.149484$Pk3.55195@pd7tw1no>,
>"Kweeg"(kw...@startrekmail.com) dropped a +5 bundle of words...
>
>> Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
>> thing, your braver than I thought."
>
>Too bad Princess Leia said it in the original Star Wars.

Can you say "irony-impaired"?

Kweeg

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Apr 19, 2004, 12:16:47 AM4/19/04
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"Starshine Moonbeam" <silve...@tacoshells.com> wrote in message
news:MPG.1aecb798b...@news.alt.net...

> In article <DXigc.149484$Pk3.55195@pd7tw1no>,
> "Kweeg"(kw...@startrekmail.com) dropped a +5 bundle of words...
>
> > Picard, pointing at the original 1701, says to Kirk: " you came in that
> > thing, your braver than I thought."
>
> Too bad Princess Leia said it in the original Star Wars.


Really.....
....aren't you a little short for a stormtrooper?

Karl Martin Joseph Kowert

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Apr 19, 2004, 5:50:37 PM4/19/04
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SCOTTY, we are losing speed, give more POWER!

But CAPTIAN, she's giving you all she can and could blow any minute!!

SCOTTY, I MEAN the WARP ENGINES!!!

KMJK


Vetteguy

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Apr 22, 2004, 7:09:29 PM4/22/04
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NanoTechnology for dummies book.... $20
Microscopic parts .............................. $15

letting the cloth eating Nanites loose on Councelor Troi... Priceless


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