Star Trek Jokes/Puns
Silent Dreamer
A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
"Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
--
Quote: "Love may conquer everything, but it needs Time as its Field General."
Let darkness disappear/In the rays of sunshine/That come from within my heart/
Whenever I think of you.
Jascha FranklinHodge
: I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
Q: How is the starship enterprise like toliet paper?
A: They both circle Uranus (your anus) looking for klingons (cling-ons)
BA-DA-BOOOM!
*/----------------------------------------\*
| Jascha Franklin-Hodge a.k.a Joeshmoe |
| Software Tool & Die |
| |
| E-MAIL: |
| INTERNET: |
| joes...@world.std.com (best) |
| joes...@mitrlevm.mit.edu |
| 71623...@compuserve.com |
| COMPUSERVE: |
| 71623,2354 |
*\----------------------------------------/*
Bryce Newall
>
> I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
>
> A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
>
> "Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
>
> C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
>
transporter might say:
"I don't think this device of yours is ever going to materialize."
-- Bryce
--
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Bryce Newall
Internet: tre...@netlink.nix.com
masc...@ucssun1.sdsu.edu
Mr D Bromage
> I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
> A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
> "Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
> C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
Wesley: Captain, I've invented a voice activated sewing machine.
Picard: Very good, Ensign Crusher. A demonstration?
Wesley: SEW THIS CLOTH.
(*chugchugchugchugchug*)
Picard: Well done. This device should be mass produced.
Riker: Captain, should I arrange to have it transported to Earth?
Picard: Make it so, Number One.
(*chugchugchugchugchug*)
Riker: ARRGRHRGHHRGHGRHGRHGRHGRHGRGHRGHRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well, I thought it was funny.
Cheers
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Bromage _--_|\ bro...@ccds.cc.monash.edu.au
Department of Chemistry / \ bro...@monu1.cc.monash.edu.au
Monash University, \_.--.*/ Phone: +61 3 565 4513
Clayton, Victoria, 3168 v Fax: +61 3 565 4597
Australia Through the wonders of ASCII, my .sig
says that Monash University is in Dubbo
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
civi...@ucsvax.sdsu.edu
>(*chugchugchugchugchug*)
>Riker: ARRGRHRGHHRGHGRHGRHGRHGRHGRGHRGHRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Capt Picard to his Singer repairman: Make it sew!
-------------------------------------
Tracy R. Reed
San Diego State U.
CIVI...@ucsvax.sdsu.edu
1:202/711 - Fido "Maelcum"-IRC
I lost a button hole today...
-------------------------------------
Don Kelloway
>Silent Dreamer (pet...@lib111.its.rpi.edu) wrote:
>: I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
>Q: How is the starship enterprise like toliet paper?
>A: They both circle Uranus (your anus) looking for klingons (cling-ons)
>BA-DA-BOOOM!
These are all good laughs, but do they belong here in a "tech" newsgroup?
Shouldn't they be posted elsewhere, maybe in "misc"?
--
Commodon maintains constant LCARS access in the following areas of
ST:TOS & TNG Chronology, Alien Lifeforms, TNG Technical Information
TOS Technical Information and the ability to translate Klingon...
Silent Dreamer
> These are all good laughs, but do they belong here in a "tech" newsgroup?
> Shouldn't they be posted elsewhere, maybe in "misc"?
I've crossposted to misc as well. The idea is to get as many ST-related jokes
as possible. Actually, I also crossposted to rec.humor since they are jokes.
>--
> Commodon maintains constant LCARS access in the following areas of
> ST:TOS & TNG Chronology, Alien Lifeforms, TNG Technical Information
> TOS Technical Information and the ability to translate Klingon...
Keith Partick Clouse
"We the Borg"
Worf; We are recieving a hail from the borg vessle Captain...
Picard; On Screen
Borg; I am Perot of Borg. You people will be assimilated...now...
Picard; (signals to close hail) Counselor?
Troi; I'm sensing great annoyance eminating from thier vessle
captain...its almost as if the borg has no real purpose but demands
attention...
Picard; Open Hail...Borg vessle- We will not be assimilated... we are a
free and civilized federa-
Borg; Now...you people have not heard a single word I have said...
Now...Resistence is futile-any fool can see that...if you resist you
will be destroyed...and thats just sad-
Picard; (annoyed) Borg vessle! We will fight you until-
Borg; MAY I FINISH?!!..........Now.......Are you gonna interupt
me.......Now....
can I finish? Are you gonna interupt me? Huh? Can I finish...
Picard; Borg vessle, return to your home space now or we will-
Borg; I dont BELIEVE this! What...Am I talking Tamarian here or
something? You people will be assimilated and thats all there is to
it...now...
Picard; Borg ves-
Borg; CAN I PLEASE FINISH?!!....Is that alright with you? Huh?
Now...(holds up chart) Ya see here...ya got yer Klingons and Romulans
and Cardasians and Ferengi and Everything else and thats all Irelavent
there...now earch and every single one will be assimilated and thats all
there is to it...now...can I finish ...you ARE gonna let me finsish now
aren't you?...now...
Picard; Mr. Worf- Close channel...
Riker; Ensign take us out or here...Warp NINE!!
Troi; My god with a weapon like that they'll be even more powerful than
before...
Worf; Captain Borg Vessle is persuing...
Picard; They could bore us into assimilation...Suggestions...
Worf; Captian! Intruder Alert! Main Bridge! (Worf whips out Phaser)
Borg; (materializing on bridge) ...Now...
Are you gonna interupt me...
May I finish...
Are you gonna interupt me...
Can I finish...
Now..Are you gonna interupt me...
May I finish...
...
...
Just thought somebody would enjoy this...
-Keith
John Krueger
Q: How long does it take Q to change a light bulb?
A: Don't even ask, he might tell you. By the time he shuts up, it will
be morning anyway.
Q: How many Tribbles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, tribbles reproduce parthenogenetically.
Q: How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just assimilate it and give it a cybernetic life-support
unit.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Disclaimer: This was written by someone who didn't know any better,
and anyway was just blowing off hot air to reduce light-headedness.
kru...@cs.hope.edu * John Krueger * and GOD said: Let there be roo
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bernard H P Gilroy
>Comm...@world.std.com (Don Kelloway) writes:
>
>> These are all good laughs, but do they belong here in a "tech" newsgroup?
>> Shouldn't they be posted elsewhere, maybe in "misc"?
>
> I've crossposted to misc as well. The idea is to get as many ST-related jokes
>as possible. Actually, I also crossposted to rec.humor since they are jokes.
I may be out of line, but the whole point of having separate
groups is to organize the topics. No matter how worthy the cause in
other terms, things not having to do with Trek tech (and not dealing
directly with this group) should not be posted here (imho). Failure
to observe categorization is one factor contributing to the
information overload that has swamped the net.
______________________________________________________________________
b | H H | : Bernard HP Gilroy
/ b | H H | \ : gil...@leland.stanford.edu
/ bbb | HHHH ppp | ggg \ :
\ b b | H H p p | g g / : The opinionss expressed are mine
\ bbb | H H ppp | ggg / : but are subject to change without
p g : warning or recompense.
p gg
"The purpose of language is not to communicate
But to obscure communication." -- Karl Evander Kaufeld
Enrique Morales
>In article <2e5u4d$f...@usenet.rpi.edu> pet...@lib111.its.rpi.edu (Silent Dreamer) writes:
>>
>> I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
>>
>> A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
>>
>> "Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
>>
>> C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
>>
>OK, here's what a skeptic talking to someone trying to invent the
>transporter might say:
> "I don't think this device of yours is ever going to materialize."
> -- Bryce
Someone who just ruptured his/her space suit:
"Oh, man... this sucks!!!"
--Enrique
---
sig
---
Christian G Allred
>
> A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
>
> "Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
>
> C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
>
Why? Is this not rec.arts.startrek.TECH?? Lately I've seen several
non-technical discussions on this group. C'mon guys, there are other
groups for stuff like this. I'm not saying that this is bad stuff, it
just is not the right place here to be posting it to.
So I'm a purist. Shove me out an airlock.
--
Christian G. Allred | 42?!? Seven and a half million years,
Brigham Young University | and all you come up with is 42!?!
allr...@bert.cs.byu.edu |
| Don't pay attention to me, no one else does.
Jascha FranklinHodge
: I'd like to start this list going with a bad pun:
: A skeptic talking to Zefram Cochrane:
: "Mr. Cochrane, your ideas on Faster Than Light travel are warped."
: C'mon. Let's get a nice bug official jokes list going here. :&)
Here are some Borg's songs.
---------------
Article 108639 of rec.humor:
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Path: nntp-server.caltech.edu!mustang.mst6.lanl.gov!nntp.ucsb.edu!library.ucla.edu!europa.eng.gtefsd.com!uunet!psinntp!isc-newsserver!nick.csh.rit.edu!troll
From: tr...@nick.csh.rit.edu (Howard B. Kellick)
Subject: Borg Songs
Message-ID: <1993Oct17.2...@ultb.isc.rit.edu>
Sender: ne...@ultb.isc.rit.edu (USENET News System)
Nntp-Posting-Host: nick.csh.rit.edu
Organization: Computer Science House @ RIT
References: <1993Oct17.2...@seas.smu.edu>
Date: Sun, 17 Oct 1993 22:37:06 GMT
Lines: 203
Lately, I've been working on some takeoffs of songs.
I find them to be humorous so where else to post them but rec.humor
Enjoy!!!!!
Mail any comments to
tr...@nick.csh.rit.edu
===================================================
Living in the Borg
-adapted by trollus of Borg(That's we!)
====================================================
There's something wrong in the universe today.
We know what it is.
"The Starship Enterprise"
We have seen them once or twice,
We know they're not yet ours.
We're what they would call "surprised"
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
There's something wrong in the universe today.
It's ugly, and has too much hair.
and it calls itself "Me"
If you can name the species,
by the colors of their skin,
then 2 of 6, you're a better Borg than We
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
Tell us, do you think they should be assimilated,
aggrivated then frustrated
They're getting to us.
If the Federation says the Borg are coming,
Even if they weren't, wouldn't they come crawlin'
back again?
I bet they would
("our friends")
again and again and again and again.
There's something wrong in the universe today.
And the Borg knows it's wrong.
But we can't do anything about it.
But we know they're just hanging on.
(clock ticks)
(Phaser fire)
(explosion)
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Living in the Borg.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
They will be one of us.
They will be one of us.
Living with the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
We will stop them real soon.
Living in the Borg.
We will stop their futile stalling.
Living in the Borg.
==================================================
Two Borg ships
adapted by trollus of borg (that's We!!!!)
==================================================
One, Two, Borg ships lay before you.
(That's what we said, now)
Borg ships, Borg ships who deplore you.
(That's just too bad, now)
This one will assimilate your brain.
(You've got no chance, now)
This one will do just the same.
(We'll be enhanced, now)
That one, will make you dissolve.
(That's what we said now)
There's no problem that we can't solve.
(It's in our heads, now)
Get killed by them, no more stupid chatter.
(You're life's worth cents now)
Get killed by us, it doesn't really matter.
(There's no difference, now)
"Awwww, assimilate him then assimilate me.
Resistance is Futile, I now can see.
Ain't got no more future, no family-tree
But I know how a really bad Borg ought to be,
I know how a really bad Borg ought to be...
Auughhhh!!!"
Said if you want to make them one of us
(Just go ahead, now0
And if you want to fight and fuss
(Don't even try, now)
If you want to get the Enterprise
(Just go ahead now)
And if you want to see our demise.
(Don't even try,now)
==============================================================
Always look on the Borg side of life
-adapted by trollus of Borg (That's we!)
=============================================================
Most things in life are bad
They can really make you mad.
Other things just make you swear and cuss.
When you're chewing on Life's gristle
Don't grumble, give a whistle,
and just be glad you're not yet one of us...
And...
...always look on the Borg side of Life...
(whistle)
Always look on the Borg side of Life...
(whistle)
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten.
and that's to pray that we're not coming yet
If you think that you'll be saved.
The road to freedom is now paved.
All we say is "wanna make a bet"
And...always look on the Borg side of Life
(whistle)
Come On.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
For life is quite absurd,
"Assimilation"'s the final word.
If we must, we'll go that extra mile...
Forget about the fight.
'cause the Borg are always right.
And We're sure you'll know resistance is futile.
So...Always look on the Borg side of death.
(whistle)
Just before you draw your terminal breath
(whistle)
Life's a piece of shit
when you look at it.
That's why we do what we do.
Just remeber that we're here.
We're not going anywhere,
and soon we'll be coming after you.
And...always look on the Borg side of life.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
Cheering up is irrelevent
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
Worst things happen in space, you know.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
We mean - what have you got to lose?
You came from nothing?
You're going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing.
Always look on the Borg side of Life.
(whistle)
(fade)
-----------------
*/--------------------------------------\*
| Jascha Franklin-Hodge a.k.a Joeshmoe |
| E-MAIL: |
| joes...@mitrlevm.mit.edu (best) |
| joes...@world.std.com |
| 71623...@compuserve.com |
*\--------------------------------------/*
*+*+ Bullshit makes the flowers grow +*+*
*+*+ Programming is an art form that fights back +*+*
--> The opinions expressed here-in are solely those
of the scientists who created me <--
Todd M. Swan
>> -- Bryce
> "Oh, man... this sucks!!!"
Actually, it should be:
"Oh, man... This blows!!!"
(See "The Naked Now")
:-) :-) :-)
Todd
--
Todd M. Swan - t...@cfc.com - Chrysler Financial, Center Line, MI
Member - SPWWLSSURLA and STBMMDS - Disclaimer: "I said it, not CFC."
"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice" - Rush
Mr. Krinkle
got side tracked on jokes...the worse one of the day was
Q: What is the worse thing about f**king a baby
A: Hearing that pelvis bone crack
Don't blame me for this joke, just blame me for posting it.
If you dont like it and want to express your opion to me
just send me mail instead of posting it here in the newsgroup
***************************************************
***************************************************
**********"How am I today?" **********
**********"Well my team just moved a way"**********
**********"I'm quite sentimental" **********
**********"I think im gonna cry" **********
***************************************************
*****************Mr. Krinkle***********************
***************************************************
Douglas Zongker
[bad joke deleted]
>Don't blame me for this joke, just blame me for posting it.
>
>
>If you dont like it and want to express your opion to me
>just send me mail instead of posting it here in the newsgroup
>
i just received a response from Mr. Krinkle in reponse to my
asking what this was doing in r.a.s.t.
he asked me to post an apology for the accidental crossposting
-- it was apparently supposed to go just to rec.humor.
we now return you to your regularly scheduled discussion...
dz
[i hope this isn't the second posting of this... had some problems
when i tried it the first time...]
--
| is placed in my .signature. |
| is placed in my .signature between two quinable fragments. |
| is placed in my .signature right above my name. |
| douglas zongker; michigan state university; zon...@cps.msu.edu |
Mr. Krinkle
Sorry about this joke....it was spose to be posted in only the
rec.humor newsgroup, but if you still want to gripe to me about
it just send me mail
Mr. Krinkle
Kenneth Gordon Dunahee
On shields:
"We don't think the idea will hold up."
On communicators:
"We don't think the idea will get through."
On sublight drives:
"It's to impulsive"
On wesley:
"He'll be on STVoy"
On sexy co-stars:
"It's silicon." (both male and female, maybe even Spot, not that Spot's sexy)
I think I've gone overborg. - The High Tech Redneck
Dale Lee
>Startreck: The Next Generation
>"We the Borg"
>
>Worf; We are recieving a hail from the borg vessle Captain...
>
>Picard; On Screen
>
>Borg; I am Perot of Borg. You people will be assimilated...now...
>
>
>
>Just thought somebody would enjoy this...
>-Keith
>
If we recall correctly it is We are Perot of Borg. Or as Yoda of Borg once said
I, there is NO I, only You!
Ivelisse Atiles
Anyone have a list of borgisms for these people?
(i'd post it, but, alas, i have it not...)
OBHumor: How many borg does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. Lighting is irrelevant.
Excuse me... are those Bugle Boy (tm) jeans you're wearing?
Borg: Clothing is irrelevant. You will be assimilated...
--
@}--}-- I'm Liz (i...@camelot.bradley.edu). Who are you?
-+* -+* -+* -+* -+* -+* -+* -+* -+* -+*
Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. -R. H.
John Krueger
Q: How do you tell a borg from a communist?
A: The borg don't need money, communists don't have money.
Q: How do you tell a borg from an ant?
A: The ant has a personality.
Q: Why do the borg spend so much time assimilating others?
A: They don't eat, they don't sleep, and even they are not kinky
enough to have sex while 3 trillion others are looking over
their shoulders.
Q: Why do all borg look human?
A: They do not make the helmets in Klingon sizes.
Q: Why did the borg win so much in Las Vegas?
A: They had an understanding with the slot machines.
Iain....@barclays.co.uk
humour but here goes...
You see that member of the Borg over there?
Yes, I can adequetly view his visage
That's Hue that is.
Or...
You see that member of the Omnipotant continueum?
I am aware of his counternance
That's Q that is.
--
+---------------+-------------------------------------------------------------+
| Iain R Laskey | Atari Falcon - The best upgrade I ever made! |
| | Laserdisc & Pro-Logic - The only way to watch movies |
| | Replies to ila...@cix.compulink.co.uk |
+---------------+-------------------------------------------------------------+
AJ Madison
got quite incensed over it, but I still like it:
Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One.
--
A.J. Madison PHONE: (508) 490-6972
Stratus Computer Inc.
55 Fairbanks Boulevard INTERNET: a...@sw.stratus.com
Marlboro, MA 01752 OR: Andrew_...@Vos.Stratus.com
Joseph J. Murphy
"Mr. Data, fire at will. Number One, are you alright!?!"
________________________________________________________________________
Data: "And you must talk to him.
Tell him he is a pretty cat, and a good cat..."
Worf: "I will feed him."
-Phantasms
Joe Murphy
mu...@uxa.ecn.bgu.edu
s2mu...@ilstu.bitnet
Charles U. Farley
Mr. Krinkle <se...@elko.nscee.edu> wrote:
>Me and several of my friends where eating lunch when we
>got side tracked on jokes...the worse one of the day was
>
>
>
> Q: What is the worse thing about f**king a baby
>
>
>
>
> A: Hearing that pelvis bone crack
>
>
>
>Don't blame me for this joke, just blame me for posting it.
>
>
Ok I will.
#1: This is inappropriate to this group.
#2: It is in POOR taste-- which I don't mind so much except...
#3: It isn't funny.