[DS9] ST:D69 - Blood Oath
Phil Kernick
Title: Blood Oath
Stardate:not given
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Dax has funny friends. She flirts with Quark, dates Morn, and gives a good
long hard look at any alien that's approximately warm and vertical - it's
hard to believe she spent eighty years of the last century as a bloke. The
future is strange indeed. Oh look, here come some more of her friends, the
Klingon Three Stooges - K'Larry, K'Mo and K'Curly.
K'Larry has brought the ancient entertainers back together for one last
performance - vengeance against the albino! What albino? You know the sort -
white face, silly hat, red nose and annoying habit of squirting you with
their flower. They have waited 81 long years to fulfil their
Cream-Pie-in-the-Face oath, and nothing will stop them now. So what does
this have to do with Dax? I'm glad you asked...
Jadzia's slug has done many things across the centuries - in its previous
incarnation it inhabited Curzon the Comic. They were the lead act of the
Trilling Freak Show and did the occasional double act with the Stooges. It
was during one of these scintillating performances that the clown snuck out
of the shadows and wet them all down with a firehose that he had cunningly
disguised as a small poppy. The Stooges have dedicated their lives to
avenging it.
But that was many years ago, and when Dax cast off her old man's shell to
become a babe, she lost the sheer comedic value needed to tackle the
fearsome adversary. It seems like a fair trade to me. "No," she screams, "I
can still have them rolling in the aisles." You've got to fight for the
right to party! She pokes K'Larry in the eyes, slaps K'Curly around the
ears, and lets out a blood curdling "Nyuck, nyuck, nyuck, nyuck" that
staggers K'Mo. So there. Alright, it's now the four stooges!
Oh know it's not. Benji Mouse stomps in to see Jadzia as she's packing her
bags for the gruelling tour ahead. "You're a Starfleet officer," he cries,
"You're not allowed to be funny - it's in the rules." Yeah, yeah, so what?
"If you go," he says coldly, "don't expect to be able to come back and be
serious." I sense tension! Could Benji actually be developing an assertive
personality? Nah...
They pack up as many props as they can, stuff them into their dilapidated
but colourfully painted warbird, and head out at warp speed for the final
joke-off! "Today is a good day to die", says K'Mo. Pardon? Did someone say
die? If they frontally attack the clowns armoured bunker they will be cut
down by his troops, but at least they will die honourably in battle. That
doesn't sound very funny to me.
Jadzia is just getting into the comic frame of mind, and this is not the
final curtain call she was expecting. "How can we slap him in the face with
a pie if we are all killed by his guards?" she questions. Umm. Maybe if they
blanket the area with a low level WibbleFieldô that will disable all energy
weapons, it'll be more even. Bring out the bat'telh and fill the pie
casings!
The entrance to the compound is mined, and the whole area is patrolled by
storm-troopers borrowed from a StarWars convention. Don't think of it as
overwhelming odds, think of it as great target selection. What we need is a
diversion. Ka-Boom! Blowing up the armoury serves the purpose. Next the
power needs to go out. Done. Now for dramatic effect, the doors should blast
in on the unhappy clown. It's showtime!
K'Larry engages the extras and chops most of them to pet food with his
rapier wit, but despite his best effort at kicking, slapping and throwing
banana peels around, is finally cut down by a criminally funny fart gag.
K'Curly stands around soliloquizing while K'Mo goes straight for the clown.
The combat is fearsome, with pun following slapstick and immediately being
followed up by an amusing noise. The years have not been kind to K'Mo and he
finally succumbs to a well-placed kick in the pants. The stooges are
defeated, and it was all for nothing, until...
Jadzia leaps to the fore, bat'telh in hand! But can she do it, can she
really pin him down and finish him off? Not and stay on Star Trek. While the
clown is distracted by the eye candy with the glistening blade, K'Mo pulls a
pie from under his shirt and with his dying breath slaps it right in the
albino's face. They finally won, and Jadzia didn't even have to raise a
pastry in anger!
Roll credits...
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It wasn't a bad story. Granted it was set up as an emotional exploration for
Dax, but was thankfully wrapped up in some good old fashioned Star Trek bash
the bad-guys action. Klingon stories have always been done well in TNG, and
this was a great start for DS9. Now we need a little more... say a full
scale war!
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This review is Copyright © 1996, Phil Kernick.
Permission is granted for anyone to electronically distribute it - details
available on request.
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See all the Trekker Reviews at http://ringo.psy.flinders.edu.au/trekker/
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