drinking game
Raphael
possibly post it? i have been looking around for it and noone seems to be
able to help.
Thanks in advance
Raph
--
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If I'm still alive, well I guess I couldn't have been that wrong eh??
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Larry Scott Hastings
obse...@zikzak.apana.org.au (Raphael) writes:
> Can anyone at all help me locate the Star Trek TNG drinking game?? or
> possibly post it? i have been looking around for it and noone seems to be
> able to help.
_THE_ Star Trek TNG drinking game [emphasis added]?? I don't know
about any official game.
In college, we would drink whenever we encountered technobabble
intended to get past a difficult plot point or to just show off. We
could barely crawl after any eposode that included Wesley.
We have matured, as has ST:TNG.
Hook'em
--Scott H. sc...@hastings.com hast...@zilker.net
Asif Ahmad
Sashi Alexandra German
>In article <31ijqk$b...@zikzak.apana.org.au>
>obse...@zikzak.apana.org.au (Raphael) writes:
>
>> Can anyone at all help me locate the Star Trek TNG drinking game?? or
>> possibly post it? i have been looking around for it and noone seems to be
>> able to help.
This is something I came across seveeal months ago. It's reposted here with
deference to the authors, listed below.
Have fun! And use good, German imported beer!
LL+P,
Sashi German
Philadelphia, PA Star Trek Club (Starfleet)
sa...@feith.com
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Drunk Trek Rules: Version 6.0
(Stardate 9302.11)
By Dan Sissman, Chris Aylott, Toby Elliott, Jonathan Young
and various other redshirts.
These rules were originally inspired by a document entitled
"Star Trek Drinking Game Rules" compiled by David Vangerov of
UCSC. This is NOT an updated version of those rules, but a
completely different document. These rules are far more
comprehensive, and are so complex they border on sentience.
If you use them properly, you too will border on sentience by
the end of an episode.
As Star Trek evolves, so shall Drunk Trek (hopefully). New
rules are constantly being accepted. If you have a
staggeringly brilliant idea for a rule, send it to:
WARP
SU 3213 Williams College
Williamstown, MA 01267
or through the internet: Jonathan...@williams.edu
The latest version of the DT rules should be available for
anonymous FTP from albert.astro.williams.edu in the pub/dt
directory. If you do not know how to use anonymous FTP,
learn.
The material contained herein is a trademark-copyrighted-
semi-public-domain-shareware-trade-secret. Any distribution
of these rules must be done in a non-profit fashion or the
culprit will be transported into the middle of a Klingon
slam-dancing contest. (Klingons will be placed within an
episode of MamaUs Family.) Any similarity to beings living,
dead, or otherwise is strictly in good fun, so loosen up,
already!
I: GENERAL
1: PRIME DIRECTIVE: Keep in mind, the "rules" presented
herein are ONLY GUIDELINES! Feel free to ignore any of them,
or to create new ones on the spur of the moment. Remember,
you never really NEED and excuse to drink while watching
Trek. This is not a competition, merely an exercise in art
appreciation. No wagering, please.
1a: COROLLARY: The only rule you must absolutely, positively,
not in any way violate, ignore or throw out (aside from this
one) is Rule Number 1.
1b: ACCEPTABLE TRADITIONAL BEVERAGES: Beer (OldSwill
preferred), Sgt. Peppers1, Pan-Galactic GargleBlasters,
Saurian Brandy. Basically, anything but Boors2.
ACCEPTABLE ALTERNATE BEVERAGES: Anything except Diet
Choke. Orange Juice and Mello Yello (the drink of the
nineties) preferred.
1c: WEIGHTS AND MEASURES: a "drink" is officially defined as:
the precise amount of liquid refreshment the imbiber finds
adequate to his needs as expressed at the moment of drinking.
In English: Whatever the hell you feel like, from a
fractional swallow to an oceanic chug. The words "drink" and
"shot" will be used interchangeably throughout these rules.
Some rules omit the word "drink" entirely. This does not
excuse viewers from their duty.
1d: SOCIAL DRINKING: Drinking should be as social an activity
as watching Trek. When a player says "Social". . . Drink!
Drink twice, if a character says the word "social".
2: NOMENCLATURE: Players may only refer to the program as
"Trek" . The names "Trek Classic", in the case of the series
starring John Winston as Lt. Kyle, or "New Trek", in the case
of the series starring Jennifer Barlow as Ensign Gibson, are
also acceptable. Spin-offs should be referred to by a short
meaningless abbreviation, i.e. DS9. Penalty shots are to be
handed out to anyone referring to the show as "Star Trek" or
RDeep Space NineS. The game is to be referred to as "Drunk
Trek" or "D.T." Players are to be referred to as "Drunk
Trekkers" (In the case of hard-core players with regular
attendance and a profound understanding of the deepest
meanings of Trek), as "Drunk Trekkies" (In the case of semi-
regulars who generally care more about the hydrodynamics of
keg-tapping than the functioning of a Jeffries Tube), or as
"Drunk Trekkists" (In the case of visitors who just want to
get wildly drunk). The participants may be collectively
referred to as "The D.T.'s".
3: OPENING THEME: Players are strongly encouraged to recite
the opening narrative and sing (to the best of their
abilities) along with the theme song. For shows without
opening narratives, make one up - be creative. Whenever the
Enterprise whooshes by, players should follow and imitate its
motion or inertial effects with their heads, simultaneously
making the appropriate "whoosh" noise. (We know this sounds
really silly on paper, but trust us, it works.)
3a: CREDITS: Players should cheer or boo names in the credits
where appropriate. Writers should get the benefit of the
doubt. The absence of a certain teenage vunderkind may be
celebrated during the noticeable pause in the credits.
3b: THE GREAT BIRD: Anyone booing Gene Roddenberry will be
pelted with garbage and forcibly ejected. It is recommended
that players remove any headgear (hats, toupees, the feet of
the person sitting behind them etc..) and place their hands
on their own chest in memoriam.
3c: EPISODE TITLES: In Most Trek and Next Generation
episodes, the episode title is either explicitly mentioned
in, or derived from, a character line. Drink when this
occurs, twice if it was stolen from Shakespeare. Drink on
first appearance of the title if it was stolen from somewhere
else (eg. Conscience of the King, The Schizoid Man).
3d: VIRGINS IN SPACE: At this point, as the local station
cuts to the post-opening-credit-commercials, first time
D.T.'s chug.
4: GOLDEN SHOWER: Tradition calls for finished beverage cans
(no bottles please!) to be hurled into a convenient front
corner of the room. Occasionally, said cans are hurled
prematurely, to the distress of those watching in the front
ranks. Thrower drinks. Spraying the television counts double.
5: THE POKER FLATS/ SINCLAIR LEWIS/ 57 Varieties UNWRITTEN
MEMORIAL RULE: (Consult a founding father privately for
information regarding this rule.)
6: ONCE MORE INTO THE BREACH: When a Starfleet crewman gets
toasted, players should intone the appropriate litany and
imbibe a ritual shot:
If the Shirt is Red, the (Man is, Woman's) dead.
If the Shirt is Blue, the (Man is, Woman's) stew.
If the Shirt is (Yellow, he's one dead fellow/
Gold, she's just been told).
Players are strongly encouraged to make up a new rhyme in the
event of a different color appearing. The flow of alcohol may
help with this... Note that the word "Shirt" is non-
negotiable, even if the victim is wearing a jumpsuit or
tunic. Feminine forms as indicated are acceptable if the
victim was female. Neuter forms are only acceptable in the
case of a neuter species. Also note that security personnel
and other expendable types are to be referred to throughout
the program as "Redshirts" regardless of garb.
Players may find it useful to familiarize themselves
with the RRedshirt freeze.S Many special effects, especially
those of the el cheapo variety, require a still image.
Consequently, redshirts often seem unnaturally still
immediately before they go to the Great Security Deck in the
Sky.
7: INERTIALS (SHIPSHAKE): Whenever the EnterpriseUs inertial
dampers are on the fritz (i.e. the camera shakes) players
must rock spasmodically in sympathy. One player should rock
in the wrong direction. Standing players should grab any
nearby object (couches, tables, upright lamps, people who
just wandered into the room) for support.
8: CLYDE'S CLASSICAL CLICHE CLAUSE: "Your weapons are useless
here."; "You're my guests." Followed or preceded by "We're
your prisoners."; "Resistance is useless". Drink.
9: PETER PRINCIPLE OF STARFLEET RANK: Drink whenever a stupid
commodore appears, twice if he takes control of the ship.
Also applies whenever a character exceeds his/her authority
(eg Lt. Commander Shelby). Also drink when guest admirals
have uniforms noticeably shoddier than the regular cast's.
10: THE PHYSICS MAJOR REALITY CHECK (PMRC): Whenever a clear
physical impossibility occurs, it is the sovereign privilege
and duty of any physics major or other science geek to call
it. Everyone drinks.
10a: THE NON-PHYSICS MAJOR CHECKS AND BALANCES REFEREEING
SYSTEM: When General Order TEN (the PMRC) is invoked, anybody
who can rationalize said impossibility to the satisfaction of
all others present can make everybody (himself included, if
so desired) drink again, except the caller of General Order
TEN, who shall drink twice. Note: If the physics-major-type-
geek-person-entity invoked rule 10 in reference to a physical
impossibility which actually occurred in the viewing room and
not on the program, nobody may invoke rule 10a.
11: OH NO! NOT THE ______! : Whenever a character says a
particularly ominous phrase (eg. "Captain, I have invoked
Starfleet Code Seventeen"), manages to correctly use a
complicated (made up or otherwise) scientific term ("The
hyperonic radiation is interfering with the transporter,
sir") or refers to a wonderfully named device ("Yes, use the
purple cloud"), players should immediately respond with "Oh
no! Not Starfleet Code Seventeen/ Not hyperonic radiation/
Not the purple cloud" Drink.
11a: OH, SO THAT'S WHAT IT DOES: Drink whenever someone
explains the function of one of the items mentioned above.
Also drink when someone from a backwards culture
misunderstands such an item, or mispronounces its name.
11b: YOU JUST INITIATED WHAT?!: Drink whenever the self
destruct sequence is activated.
12: THANK YOU FOR YOUR ORDER: Starfleet's rigorous training
ensures that any competent Starfleet officer is able to deal
with equipment lists, cargo manifests, and menus. Whenever a
character rattles off a list players should finish it by
singing out (in unison) "And a partridge in a pear tree".
Drink - you've earned it. In addition, officers are expected
to deal with large numbers. Drink when they can't handle
these and are forced to give each number individually
(Captain, now in range of Starbase One-Five-Nine) or are
forced to refer to 1 to any power.
13: THINGS THAT LOOK LIKE MEAT: In the future, all sciences
and arts have progressed far beyond our wimpy capabilities,
and the culinary arts are no exception. Horribly inefficient
foodstuffs, such as roast turkey and king crab legs have been
replaced by two much healthier types of nutrition: the
Multicolored Synthesized Food Substitute Cubes and the
Typical Nauseating Alien Delicacy. Drink anytime a Starfleet
officer eats one of these items.
13a: COMPUTER, POUR ME ANOTHER: In seeming rebellion of rule
13, drinks of all types proliferate throughout the galaxy,
from water at any desired temperature to Klingon kill-a-
Romulan-at-fifteen-paces alcohol. Drink whenever a character
drinks, twice if it's Scotty. Drink for prune juice.
14: SOCIAL SCIENCES MAJOR REALITY CHECK: In addition to the
many physical impossibilities of Trek (see General Order 10,
above), Star Trek also often presents alien races and
cultures who could never have possibly existed, much less
developed space travel. It is the right of any student of one
of the "squishy" subjects, to groan loudly and decry this
crime. Everyone Drinks.
15: POWERS AND ABILITIES BEYOND THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or the
Deus Ex Trekkus rule): Players should drink whenever a
character appears who has god-like supernatural talents.
Examples: Charlie X., Trelayne, Apollo, The Q, Gary Mitchell,
etc.
15a: POWERS AND ABILITIES BELOW THOSE OF MORTAL MEN: (Or: I'm
not as think as you dumb I am): The Enterprise occasionally
encounters aliens who, in the face of severe limitations in
intelligence, firepower, and good looks, attempt to buck the
Federation authority. Drink.
15b: ALIENS WHO THINK WHO THE HELL THEY ARE: Not to be
confused with Deus Ex Trekkus, this rule comes into effect
whenever an alien race refers to humans as "primitive". While
there is obviously considerable overlap between the two
rules, some aliens are clearly mega-powerful without rubbing
our noses in it (Trelayne's parents), while others, despite
what they think of themselves, are really wimpy aliens we
could toast with one phaser bank tied behind our backs
(Talosians, Velarans).
15c: DO YOU WANT ME TO TEST MY THEORY OUT ON YOUR HEAD?:
Drink whenever a "primitive" human manages to gain the upper
hand with either a rule 15 or 15b alien.
16: WE CAN BUILD A BETTER OFFICER: Starfleet academy prides
itself on the quality of its product. Officers who graduate
from there are expected to be physically fit and capable of
dealing diplomatically with any situation. Drink for poorly
choreographed (any) fights.
16a: BUT THEN WE'D BE NO BETTER THAN THEY ARE: In addition to
turning out physically fit specimens, Starfleet officers are
expected to have an immaculate moral code. Drink whenever a
character delivers a Particularly Moralistic Soliloquy (PMS)
or a Supremely Philosophical Added Moral (SPAM), twice if
it's a starship captain.
16b: IT IS A FAR, FAR BETTER THING THAT I DO: Starfleet
officers are also expected to make the ultimate sacrifice
(usually, it seems, whenever possible). Drink when one
volunteers to (especially Kirk - "No Trelayne, take it out on
me, not my crew").
16c: I DO SOLEMNLY SWEAR: The final oath any officer leaving
the academy must take is to uphold the prime directive. Drink
to flagrant violations of this oath.
16d: SMILE, PLEASE: Starfleet crewmen are expected to comport
themselves well, keeping their emotions to themselves.
However, this training sometimes fails badly and the result
is a shit-eating grin (SEG). Drink to any male crew member
wearing one.
16e: HAIR: This brings us to the rather touchy subject of
hair, the only area in which there has been no progress since
the 20th century. Drink to cats on heads (especially Bill
Shatner's), cheesy toupees, hippy hairstyles and truly
ungodly headglare off of bald spots. [Certain founding
fathers would like to take this opportunity to point out how
much more manly, more stylish, more... bearded people become,
and certainly how a beard has made Riker a more thoughtful
and mature sentient. Geordi too.]
17: IF ITUS TUESDAY, THIS MUST BE TELEPATHY: Starfleet
officers are, as previously mentioned, the chosen
representatives of their Federation, the pinnacle of cultural
and biological achievement. This has inspired a tremendous
envy among other sentients. What they cannot have, they
always want, and fortunately the vast preponderance of mental
powers and utter lack of psi shields in the Trek universe
allows them to take. Drink whenever a Starfleet officer is
mentally tortured, mind dominated, or simply taken over. Chug
if the same thing happened the last time you watched Trek.
18: IT SOUNDS KIND OF CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT WORK: The
Enterprise has a long history of putting to the test
procedures that "have never been tested before", "are only
based on theory" or are "still in the experimental stage".
Its the least we can do to raise a toast to these intrepid
pioneers, without whom there would have been no major
technological advances since the 21st century.
19: BILL & TED'S EXCELLENT RULE: Whenever a character says
the word "excellent" players should make the appropriate air
guitar gestures (with sound effects). Yes, it IS stupid, but
we like it. Drink.
20: THE DARONE CODICIL: ANY reference to the period of
"Twenty minutes" will be greeted by loud cheering, rude
noises and the immediate consumption of all beverages in
hand. A boisterous cry of "TWENty MINutes" shall ring out.
Anyone failing to do so will be forced to watch twenty
minutes of Space: 1999. Yes, we do believe in cruel and
unusual punishment.
21: SATURDAY NIGHT STARFLEET: Drink to really funky
psychedelia, whether intentional or not. This includes really
multicolored star patterns that appear out of viewports
(sometimes even when the ship is stationary). Drink when
characters appear dressed for these occasions.
22: THE TWO-AND-ONE RULE: A classic writer's tactic when
introducing a new or unfamiliar name or concept is to place
it alongside two familiar ones, eg: "The philosophical
greats: Plato, Socrates and Surak". Drink.
23: A WISE MAN ONCE SAID: Drink to all line echoes, without
which the program would not be 47 minutes long. Also, drink
to all Trek Classic references in TNG
24: RANK HATH ITS PRIVILEGES: Whenever a landing party/away
team/bridge complement is subjected to attack by a sonic
blast/pain field/knockout gas/mind squisher, the ranking
officer is always the last to fall unconscious. Drink.
25: PROFOUND GRASP OF THE OBVIOUS: Drink.
26: JUST POINT AND SHOOT: In the future all forms of
equipment maintenance and adjustment have been streamlined to
require only two simple devices. The mysterious handheld
device/tricorder that blinks and works and the new improved
coherent-beam-with-tasteful-sparkles flashlight. Drink for
gratuitous usage of these devices on both equipment and crew.
27: DON'T DO THATPYOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT ANGRY: Drink whenever
the most advanced Federation weapons hit an enemy or obstacle
but have no noticeable effect.
28: ANYTHING ELSE IS JUST A LIGHT: Thanks to budget increases
in New Trek and simple bloody-mindedness in Classic,
spaceships, starbases and planets explode (with appropriate
light and sound effects) with alarming regularity. Players
should immediately toast its passing with a shout of "No! Bud
Light! " and a drink.
29: NO IUD BETTER GO DOWN AND CHECK THIS OUT MYSELF: Drink
whenever the conn changes hands.
30: MARRIED... WITH CHILDREN: We all know to whom a starship
captain is married. Drink to any references to the ship as
"mine", "she" or "her", long panning shots of the Enterprise
and any time Kirk or Riker (who is temporarily breveted to
the rank of captain for this rule) commit adultery (We
honestly didn't anticipate Picard doing this, but, a toast
when he does). This rule does not apply to DS9, the station
just isnUt that sexy.
31: I'M SORRY DAVE...: Drink whenever a character receives a
negative response (NR) from one of the ship's devices, or
whenever a device that would produce a simple resolution of
the plot is rendered inoperable by forces beyond the crew's
control (eg. hyperonic radiation).
32: MY OTHER UNIFORM IS IN THE WASH: The Spandex in Space
principle applies in full force here. Drink when a character
appears in a particularly hideous example of futuristic
fashions including, but not limited to, anything seen on (or
off) of Troi (either), Picard's 24th Century speedo and
studmuffin shirt. This does not apply to characters whose
normal garb is not generally considered a uniform, but does
apply to non-starfleet personnel. Chug to any Ferengi
vacation garb.
33: IS THAT A PICKLE IN YOUR POCKET OR ARE YOU JUST SEEKING
JAMAHARON? In spite of centuries of social development,
people in Star Trek occasionally need to express
dissatisfaction with another. (See the Peter Principle of
Starfleet Rank) This is expressed in the Star Trek universe
in two ways.
33a: RIMMER, YOU ARE A SMEGHEAD: Thanks to those wonderful
people, the censors, who make our lives full of joy and
realism, characters are also pure of language. No four letter
words here. There are, of course, ways around this. Drink
whenever someone swears in an alien language, or uses a
completely new swear word.
33b: KIND OF COLD IN HERE, ISNUT IT? Even when the universal
translators are on the fritz again, all sentient races
possess the unique ability to convey contempt with a single
glance. Drink. Drink twice if the species in question has no
apparent visual sensory apparatus.
34: WHAT'S THAT TUNE? KINDA CATCHY, ISN'T IT? Occasionally,
the Trek theme music actually appears within a scene, not as
incidental music, but as music which the characters are able
to hear. Drink.
35: MODERN ANCIENT HISTORY: Drink whenever a character refers
to the hopelessly backward practices or triumph-over-
incredible-odds days of the late twentieth century. Also
drink whenever a new starship appears whose name blatantly
refers to the modern era. [U.S.S. Steven Hawking]
36: THE APOLOGETICA: We're sorry. Really. Honest. Drink
whenever a female starship captain or admiral appears.
37: KLINGON HEADBANGER'S BALL: Whenever Klingons (or any
other suitably violent race) bang their heads together, all
present must grunt "unh". Drink.
38: BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: As more and more people play an
increasingly greater role in the world of Trek, it will
become increasingly likely that players will recognize
certain names in the closing credits as friends or relatives.
Players drink whenever someone in the audience spots one
such. Players drink twice if someone in the audience has the
same name as someone in the credits. Player whose name
appears chugs.
P.S. First & last name please - no partial credit!
II: TECHNICAL DRINKS:
1: THEY DON'T BUILD SPACESHIPS LIKE THEY USED TO: Drink to
all production flails, including (but not limited to): Hands
appearing in shuttlecraft doors, human body parts visible in
aliens, duct tape on the set, reuse of old footage, slowed
down footage (Cap'n we canna extend the show for long
enough!), invisible spacecraft (only in Classic - TNG has
enough budget to be able to avoid this if it wants to),
erratic Enterprise establishing shots (EEES), shifting stars
while motionless, symmetrical starfields, stars visible
through planets and starships, bad mattes, continuity flails
(shot to shot - character flails are elsewhere). Another day,
another Phaser port.
2: STOCK MUSIC: "Spock's Theme", "Cheesy Fight Theme",
"Pursuit Theme", "Lust Theme", "Insult Theme", hippy/Spock
jam session in "Way to Eden" (chug), muted-horn-nostalgia
Trek theme.
3: CATCH THE EXCITEMENT: Bad fades, Bad cuts, freezes,
spontaneous rewinds, Worf WXXA plug.
4: AMY PRICE MEMORIAL RULE & OTHER ADS: any ad for the armed
forces, loser lines, NYNEX commercials (twice if someone gets
a new one before the end), Hefty/wimpy, DHL flying trucks,
Keystone, Joe Isuzu, Don't Think-Just Drink, Energizer Bunny,
Listerine/Tazan Boy, any ad that features an appearance by a
well-known celebrity, any ad that prostitutes good music, any
repeated ad (add one drink for each appearance).
Double drink when a Trek cast member is caught lowering
him/herself to the pathetic limitations of a commercial--
voiceovers, etc. When actually appearing, if you aren't
gagging, chug.
4a: WE DIDN'T START THE SERIES: True participants in the
spirit of D.T. will immediately attempt to join in any plugs
for Trek seen while watching another program. Although it is
likely that players will be caught without an appropriate
beverage, it is important that the players attempt to make a
drinking motion and make complete fools of themselves just as
though an actual episode of Trek was on.
III: DEEP SPACE NINE : THE SPIN-OFF
GENERAL ORDERS: Assume all regular D.T. rules apply plus the
following additionals. (For the purposes of Deep Space Nine
only the normal commandment to drink whenever the word
RCardassianS is mentioned is revoked. See we can be humane
now and again)
1: WHATUS THE MATTER? NEVER SEEN THE HAND OF GOD BEFORE?
Drink whenever the wormhole opens (we know, stop whining and
drink.) Drink twice if anyone comments how beautiful it is.
Chug if the immediate reply is Rwe donUt know whatUs out
thereS
2: WHEREUS ODO? The first player to call what seemingly
innocuous item on camera is actually Clayton is exempt from
the drink occurs whenever he shapechanges. Incorrect
guessers must take penalty shots. Optional codicil: Whenever
Odo returns to his humanoid form call out RWonder Odo
powers... DE-activateS and drink.
3: TREK NOIR: An enhancement of the standard RNegative
ResponseS drink. DS9 makes a sometimes inordinate effort to
demonstrate its dark and gritty nature. Drink whenever
anything doesnUt work. Twice if itUs SiskoUs coffee.
4: STARSHIP? WHO NEEDS A STARSHIP? Drink whenever the stock
footage of the stationUs thrusters firing is used. Drink
twice if the station is being moved by some mysterious force
especially towards the wormhole.
5: HAVE WE MET? Drink to any sudden and gratuitous
appearances of characters from regular Trek (alternate
nomenclature for fans of DS9 - Trek Light) Drink for on
screen comparisons of the two.
Sisko: The amazing, dancing face; Pontificates.
Odo: Any pail references; fails to understand humanoids;
noses.
Kira: Flagrant overacting; shouts at someone standing next to
her.
Dax: Previous life flashbacks; dates; swoons.
Colm: Talks about Rthe CaptainS or the Enterprise, rolls up
his sleeves.
Quark: Lusts; masterminds.
Bashir: Is demonstrated to be something other than an idiot;
Starfleet Medical Finals; bitches about not graduating first
in his class.
Jake: Completes the other half of the Bashir/Jake
combinatorial Welsey; gets in trouble.
Garrik: Simply Garrik.
IV: RACIAL SUBSECTION:
General: Drink to any and all races (over and above
these specific cases) who, when alone, and for no apparent
reason, chose to speak english amongst themselves. Also drink
to pathetically bad latex on forehead. If the special effects
crew gets worked up enough to include non-humanoid races
drink till it hurts. Suspiciously Convenient Anatomical
Retroactive-continuity (SCAR) Sudden introduction of plot
essential aliens (e.g. Binars) Chug for reappearance of any
such alien (Silicon Entity) Chug if itUs the Packlets. Just
Tcause.
Klingons: any appearance of non-warrior types
(secretaries, accountants, phone sanitizers - whatever.) Any
RKlingons do not ....S line. Any sign of cowardice.
Romulans: Romulan language? What Romulan language? Drink
to any blatant failure of Federation Intelligence regarding
Romulans. Drink to Cheesy Roman References. Truly Ungodly
Shoulder-pads (TUSH)
Vulcans: Illogical rituals. Convenient twisting of logic
for their own ends. Nerve pinch on never before encountered
aliens. (Twice if said aliens appear to have no neck)
Cardassians: Drink
Ferengi: Drink for Ferengi sex references. Any Rwe keep
our women decently nakedS line. Drink for chairs. Acting far
too stupid to have achieved star travel much less be the main
villains of the series/episode.
Horta: Chug for new appearance... anywhere.
Q: Any reference to the Continuum; gratuitous
appearance of another Q.
Borg: Any RtheyUre unstoppable lineS Drink whenever a
Borg begins a song and dance number. Twice if itUs any good.
V: TREK CLASSIC SUBSECTION:
1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:
General: Mispronunciation of a characterUs name.
Reference to a factor of 1 to any power.
Kirk: Any angered sentence ending with "mister";
"Standard orbit"; "You've earned your pay for the week"; "I
want answers"; "We come in peace"; "(Set) phasers on stun";
"Captain's Log... "(twice if its supplemental); "I love you"
; "Warp factor 2, Mr. Sulu"; "Spocko".
Spock: "Fascinating"; "(Il)logical"; any raised eyebrow;
"Jim"; "It's life, but not as we know it"; sarcastic remarks
(e.g... Very good - reason with him, Captain)
Bones: "I'm a doctor, not a ___"; "He (She, It)'s dead
Jim!"; snarling about the transporter; any anti-Vulcan
comment or particularly irritable crack; slips back into his
southern accent.
Scotty: Flagrant accent flails (FAF); "Tha's impossible
ca'n!"; any overload explosion prediction.
Chekov: FAF; inaccurate Russian history claims; grimaces
while firing ship's weapons.
Sulu: Any countdown; announcement of unusually high warp
speeds.
Uhura: "I'm frightened, Captain"; "Hailing frequencies
open."
Computer: "Work-ing"; "Affirm-ative"; "Neg-ative".
2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:
Kirk: Hits a woman; has his shirt damaged, torn or
removed; uses Illogic 101 on a computer; uses the two-handed
fist; mid-season spread; defeats a way superior opponent in a
fight; seriously ungodly overacting; stud duty (twice if he's
seen pulling his boots on afterward). Severe soft focus for
beautiful ladies.
Spock: Looks into his "peep show machine" (nomenclature
courtesy of David Vangerov); mind melds; nerve pinches;
Vulcan sex references; convenient knowledge no one else has;
builds computers from "stone knives and bearskins"; emotes;
plays his lyrette.
Bones: Anytime he's on the bridge doing nothing when
crewmen are injured; uses his salt shakers; tests someone on
the footpedal device.
Scotty: Does the impossible (Scotty has full PMRC
immunity). Hairdo of theWeek.
Chekov: Gets zapped, stung, hit, shot, burned or
otherwise molested; screams.
Sulu: Another day, another hobby.
Uhura: Sings, falls the wrong way during shipshake.
Riley: Sings (chug, you'll need it).
VI: NEXT GENERATION SUBSECTION:
1: CONVERSATIONAL DRINKS:
Picard: "Make it so"; "Engage"; "Captain's Log.." (Twice
if supplemental); Shakespearian quotes (Chug if they're
mangled).
Riker: Questions one of Picard's orders. Uses a
Picardism.
Data: "Inquiry"; flagrantly fails to use a contraction;
Encyclopedia Datannica; denies his humanity.
Troi: "I feel . . ."; "He's telling the truth, or at
least he thinks he is"
Worf: Any "I just don't understand humans" line; polite
conversation; any angered line ending with an added "sir";
snarling as converstion.
Wesley: Says something naive; any "Golly gee" type line.
Q: "Microbrain", "Ouch?".
Lwaxana Troi: "Little One"; RMr. WoofS; announces
marriage.
Bev: RI canUt isolate itS; RI donUt knowS.
Geordi: RWhoaS
2: SITUATIONAL DRINKS:
General: Drink to any blantent attempt to maintain
continuity with the rest of Trek with retroactive rewriting.
Picard: Looks silly or loses temper around children;
laughs; is hung upon or hangs up communications; has a book;
is obsessively neat; Slugs someone. "The Picard Maneuver"
- -tugging on shirt bottom as he sits/stands; Is a mind-slut
[Oh Sarek, you big brain you. Mind-meld me.]
Riker: Strokes beard; Kirklike behavior; smirks;
straddles a chair; looks clueless; end of scene noble
closeup; Pretends to be a sensitive 90s kind of guy. [Drink
twice if bearded members of the audience are caught trying to
be sensitive 90s guys]
Data: Looks silly when he tries to be human; another
day, another art project; gets interrupted or told to shut
up; is described as something other than an android or is
accused of being human.
Troi: Betazed sex references; actually does her job; is
respected by other crew members for no apparent reason.
Geordi: Takes VISOR off or otherwise loses it; sweats
like hell; dates.
Tasha: squints, dies, shows up again.
Worf: Gets thumped by someone or something; Klingon
mating rituals; snarlingas a high form of conversation;
Klingon cultural superiority; appears in something other than
the "LittlePLord Fauntleroy" hair.
Alexander: Gets a new set of parents; holodeck warrior
training.
Bev Crusher: Does something awesome; worries about
Wesley not having a "normal" childhood.
Pulaski: McCoyish behavior; interrupts somebody; uses
transporter (oops!)Is even mentioned past season three.
Wesley: Saves the Enterprise; gets hit on by a fly babe;
dies or finally gets developed into a worthwhile character
(Well, we can hope, can't we?); ridiculous plot twists to
keep him in the series. Is even mentioned by another
character.
Q: Changes outfits; faces someone or gets faced;
flagrantly awesome use of power; use of 20th century humor.
Commander Tomalok: shows his "Oh dear, where did that
come from?" face.
Lwaxana Troi: Refuses to speak/communicate aloud.
Gowron: Uses his Roger-rabbit eyes; mysteriously becomes
a much better tactician and leader in the middle of an
episode; has his association with Picard mentioned when he
isnUt even in the episode.
VII: MOTION PICTURE SUBSECTION:
General: One-Liner Applause Scenes (OAS); Revived
character cliches
Kirk: gets demythologized; double drink if he defeats a
way superior opponent in combat - he is getting on folks;
Leers at Considerably Younger Squaws (LACYS); velcro comes
undone; loses a ship; someone demands his execution.
Spock: Falls catatonic; swears; dies.
Bones: Shows a fine sense of historical irony;
Vulcanizes.
Scotty: Gets fat; sabotages a Federation ship; talks to
a mouse.
Chekov: see Trek classic
Sulu: Flies something he could never have possibly flown
before, gets a command (ST VI you're our only hope!).
Uhura: Gets fat (but not as fat as Scotty).
Decker: Becomes eligible for General Order 15; looks
longingly at Ilia.
David: Dies.
Ilia: Sexually overpowers someone with her seductively
bald head; reminds people of her vow; metallic speech.
Saavik: Suddenly becomes a much flatter, duller
character between movies; dies or gets re-replaced by Kirstie
Alley (Still hoping...)
Kruge: Just try to find an excuse not to drink when
Christopher Lloyd is on screen!
Maltz: Just because he's John Larroquette.
Stiles: Does something prissy.
NOTES
1: For those unfamiliar with this obscure yet superior
beverage, it consists of Dr. Pepper and rum mixed in a
comfortable ratio.
2: As anyone in the 23rd or 24th centuries can easily recall,
the Boors Brewing Corporation (as we must refer to it here in
order to prevent interference with that which must occur) is
almost exclusively responsible for the single darkest period
in human history. (No, not the 70's.) Boors' constant
struggle against their competitors led them to initiate
certain experiments in the 1960's in order to improve their
product by creating new and more exciting strains of yeast
through eugenics. While these experiments produced no
immediate improvement, they laid the groundwork for later and
less reserved experimentation. If improvement of a tool could
double production, reasoned Adolph Boors, could not the
improvement of the worker himself increase production a
thousandfold? Such was the reasoning behind the clandestine
eugenics "experiments" of the 1970's (Hey! We DID mean the
70's); Boors created a race of supermen for the sole purpose
of running his breweries for him. These superior men and
women, however, were hardly about to accept the life of
drudgery which was their birthright - they rebelled against
their creators under the leadership of Khan Noonian Singh,
among others. Khan, on the occasion of his exile, went on
record with a quotation from Milton's "Paradise Lost": "It is
better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven". Had he
served in the corporate "heaven" of Boors Company, Khan would
have been assured life filled with perquisites, as Boors
could hardly afford for the competition to lure Khan away.
Khan chose instead to rule the hellish Eugenics Wars in a
putsch which began in a beerhall and led to the stars.