YASID:Tobacco Gestapo
Danny Sichel
Wyoming", and there's a bit where the House of Saud sponsors an
expedition to re-sanctify the Moon for Islam, by carefully removing all
trace of human presence. Yanking up the flag... brushing over the
footprints... everything.
Afterwards, I was thinking about scenes which have pissed me off thusly,
and I remembered this one story by... someone. It felt Analogish, and it
pissed me off for an entirely different reason.
Premise: anti-smoking sentiment has become so intense that there are
Public Health Officers with powers of arrest-fine-and-confiscate which
they exercise on those who are smoking in public.
Also, the murder of a Public Health Officer is a capital crime. And
there's a law granting those convicted of capital offences the right to
choose their means of execution.
So narrator's buddy-whom-he-admires murders a Public Health Officer who
had tried to scold him for smoking, turns himself in, pleads guilty, and
demands to be executed by smoking cigarettes.
It ends with the narrator thinking about how his buddy is now being kept
in the Public Health Prison, being given the best treatment Public
Health affords to all prisoners, and twice a day Public Health Officers
bring him a pack of cigarettes and stand there grimly while he smokes
each and every one... and you know, ever since word of this got out,
more and more people are murdering the Public Health Officers, giggle
gigle snort!
Mike Van Pelt
Danny Sichel <dsi...@gmail.com> wrote:
>Afterwards, I was thinking about scenes which have pissed me off thusly,
>and I remembered this one story by... someone. It felt Analogish, and it
>pissed me off for an entirely different reason.
>
>Premise: anti-smoking sentiment has become so intense that there are
>Public Health Officers with powers of arrest-fine-and-confiscate which
>they exercise on those who are smoking in public.
Hmmm... The term "nightshade reaper" rings a bell...
("Nightshade" being the family of plant that tobacco
is from ... also tomatoes, chili peppers, eggplant...)
I know I've read it, maybe in one of Baen's "bookazines",
like "Destinies" or "Far Frontiers".
--
Infamy is like a pair of tight leather pants in | Mike Van Pelt
the Amazon. It might LOOK cool, but after just | mvp at calweb.com
a couple of hours it chafes, and that's just | KE6BVH
the start of your problems. -- Howard Tayler
Puppet_Sock
[snip]
> Premise: anti-smoking sentiment has become so intense that there are
> Public Health Officers with powers of arrest-fine-and-confiscate which
> they exercise on those who are smoking in public.
That sure sounds like a "probability zero" entry from Analog,
but I'm way not sure.
Some of the PZ entries have been much fun. I recall one where
various crimes were made punishable by transportation to the
new lunar colonies. And there was a rash of crimes by various
people you'd never expect to commit crimes, such as fresh new
engineers, young doctors, etc. One of these guys was the central
point of the story, as he was inconsolable in his prison cell.
See, he'd picked the minimum crime that was punishable by
transportation, but had bungled it and wound up killing a
bystander. (Bank robbery or something, I don't recall.) And so
instead of the free ride to the moon colony he was hoping for,
and nobody harmed, he now had a murder on his conscience.
Socks
Default User
Danny Sichel wrote:
> It ends with the narrator thinking about how his buddy is now being kept
> in the Public Health Prison, being given the best treatment Public
> Health affords to all prisoners, and twice a day Public Health Officers
> bring him a pack of cigarettes and stand there grimly while he smokes
> each and every one.
Only two packs a day? I know regular smokers that do three or four
easily. You'd think with them trying to execute him, it would be
non-stop smokes however many hours a day they could reasonably do it,
let's say 14 hours a day.
That's assuming that he somehow worded it so that they couldn't just
stick him in a small room with a constant stream of fresh tobacco smoke
filling the room.
Brian
Sean Eric Fagan
Default User <defaul...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Only two packs a day? I know regular smokers that do three or four
>easily. You'd think with them trying to execute him, it would be
>non-stop smokes however many hours a day they could reasonably do it,
>let's say 14 hours a day.
It was more than two packs a day -- he was forced to chain smoke, all his
waking hours. With guards to light up the next one for him as soon as he
finished.
It was in Analog, I believe, but it wasn't a PZ piece -- too long.
Tina Hall
>> Only two packs a day? I know regular smokers that do three or
>> four easily. You'd think with them trying to execute him, it
>> would be non-stop smokes however many hours a day they could
>> reasonably do it, let's say 14 hours a day.
> It was more than two packs a day -- he was forced to chain smoke,
> all his waking hours. With guards to light up the next one for
> him as soon as he finished.
Two packs of about 20 to 25 cigarettes? (Don't know how many
currently are in one.)
Must have been extra slow cigarettes. One can easily do over sixty,
with breaks, and rolling them yourself, within one waking period,
without anyone forcing one.
I once heard a cigarette takes 7 minutes. Even if you only are awake
14 hours a day, that makes 840 minutes, and 120 cigarettes; ~5 to 6
packs.
With only two packs, you get cigarettes that last 21 minutes
(assuming there are 20 in a pack). I find that highly dubious.
My rollups last at most 5 minutes 25 seconds (just tested that
reading other posts), when actually smoking them normally rather
than leave them to fade away in the ashtray. I doubt forced chain
smoking would leave the latter as an option (but sucking them up
like in a cartoon isn't a very realistic idea, either).
--
Tina
No internet access.
### XP v3.40 RC3 ###
Danny Sichel
>>It ends with the narrator thinking about how his buddy is now being kept
>>in the Public Health Prison, being given the best treatment Public
>>Health affords to all prisoners, and twice a day Public Health Officers
>>bring him a pack of cigarettes and stand there grimly while he smokes
>>each and every one.
> Only two packs a day? I know regular smokers that do three or four
> easily. You'd think with them trying to execute him, it would be
> non-stop smokes however many hours a day they could reasonably do it,
> let's say 14 hours a day.
Well, yeah, that's what pissed me off - the narrator's conclusion that
his buddy that outsmarted Public Health, and his observation that more
and more people were murdering Public Health Officers so that they too
could get sentenced to "death by smoking".
Giggle, giggle.
I mean, if you've been sentenced to death and told that you can choose
*any* means of death, and you want to fuck things up for your jailers,
you can get pretty damn creative. It completely broke my WSOD to be told
that Public Health would be stupid enough to just say "okay, we'll
arrange anything you want". The condemned man's last request is a
courtesy, not an obligation. If your choice isn't on the menu, tough
shit, you'll make do with what we offer you.
What if he'd said "I want to be hanged with a rope made from the
intestines of the director of Public Health", or "I want to contract a
lethal case of CJD by eating the brains of human infants"?
> That's assuming that he somehow worded it so that they couldn't just
> stick him in a small room with a constant stream of fresh tobacco smoke
> filling the room.
"We don't have time for you to *develop* lung cancer on your own; we'll
be surgically implanting tumors tomorrow morning. Oh, and as a condemned
prisoner, you don't get anesthetic."
Or perhaps "here are your cigarettes - however, if you were to smoke
them in our presence, that would be a violation of our personal rights
to health. And quite frankly, sir, we can't take your word for it that
you'll help execute yourself. So instead, you will eat them. All of them.
No, sir, this is not a joke. This is your death sentence being carried
out. Frankly, I would have chosen a less agonizingly painful method -
but then, I'm not a cop-killer; I don't know what motivates your kind.
Sir, if you do not eat your cigarettes, you will be held down, your
mouth will be forced open, and pulverized, liquefied cigarettes will be
poured in until you swallow. Don't worry, we won't let you choke to death.
No, you may not have a fork. Or a knife. Here is your blunt plastic spoon.
No, you may not remove them from the paper. The paper is an integral
part of the cigarette. It's not 'death by chewing tobacco', sir. Yes,
the filter too.
No, you may not have a glass of water, not until you've finished your
carton. ... No, sir, I *don't* mean 'pack'. I mean carton. No, you can't
have anything else to wash it down with either. You chose death by
cigarettes, not death by cigarettes-and-food.
Sir, I'm sure you have many more questions about your execution, but
that's too fucking bad. You've delayed long enough. Get eating."
Sean Eric Fagan
Danny Sichel <dsi...@gmail.com> wrote:
>Well, yeah, that's what pissed me off - the narrator's conclusion that
>his buddy that outsmarted Public Health, and his observation that more
>and more people were murdering Public Health Officers so that they too
>could get sentenced to "death by smoking".
The story I read, which I had *assumed* was the same one you were talking
about, had the first-person narrator being the husband of one of the "Public
Health" people you're talking about. He killed her, was convicted, and chose
"death by cigarettes."
I had the same problem with the story you describe.
Aaron Davies
How many was James Bond smoking in the early novels? Something close to
150 a day, IIRC.
--
Aaron Davies
Opinions expressed are solely those of a random number generator.
Magnae clunes mihi placent, nec possum de hac re mentiri.
Ho! Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust!
Ed Rom
>
>How many was James Bond smoking in the early novels? Something close to
>150 a day, IIRC.
>--
>Aaron Davies
>Opinions expressed are solely those of a random number generator.
>Magnae clunes mihi placent, nec possum de hac re mentiri.
>Ho! Ha! Guard! Turn! Parry! Dodge! Spin! Thrust!
I recall that it was 60 a day -- unfiltered Balkan cigarettes of some sort, maybe Sobranies. That would be three packs, unless you live in the Netherlands, where cigarettes come 25 to a pack, rather than 20.
Default User
Danny Sichel wrote:
> I mean, if you've been sentenced to death and told that you can choose
> *any* means of death, and you want to fuck things up for your jailers,
> you can get pretty damn creative. It completely broke my WSOD to be told
> that Public Health would be stupid enough to just say "okay, we'll
> arrange anything you want". The condemned man's last request is a
> courtesy, not an obligation. If your choice isn't on the menu, tough
> shit, you'll make do with what we offer you.
I recall an old Alfred Hitchcock magazine story, under the
circumstances almost SF. It starts with a guy in Africa hunting down
one of the last of some endangered species of antelope, taking just the
tongue, traveling to somewhere else to roust out a retired chef who's
the last one in the world that knows how to prepare some exotic dish
with said tongue, then finally returning to his starting point, a
prison. Seems it's some condemned man's last meal request.
I say SF, because that's pretty much fantasy, the reality of last meals
is much more mundane. I remember one executed guy used his final words
to complain bitterly about not getting Spaghetti-Os for his last meal,
instead receiving canned spaghetti.
Brian
ncw...@hotmail.com
More likely, it would be:
1) Take a large crate of cigarettes (say, 1 metric tonne).
2) Set fire to them so they start to give off smoke.
3) Drop crate on prisoner.
4) Repeat as required.
Cheers,
Nigel.
Al Wesolowsky
:aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
:>
:>How many was James Bond smoking in the early novels? Something close to
:I recall that it was 60 a day -- unfiltered Balkan cigarettes of some sort,
:maybe Sobranies.
Morlands, with the three gold stripes, I think.
"I never joke about my work, 007."
--
Al B. Wesolowsky o Unlike J. W. Hardin, my foolish moves
a...@bu.edu o have been many.
Boston University o ---Michael Murphey
Aaron Davies
> Ed Rom <ed...@hickorytechspam.net> wrote:
> :aa...@avalon.pascal-central.com.invalid (Aaron Davies) wrote:
> :>
> :>How many was James Bond smoking in the early novels? Something close to
>
> :I recall that it was 60 a day -- unfiltered Balkan cigarettes of some sort,
> :maybe Sobranies.
>
> Morlands, with the three gold stripes, I think.
>
> "I never joke about my work, 007."
A custom blend made by his tobacconist, but yes, with three gold
stripes.
--
Aaron "it is scratched" Davies
David McMillan
> Some of the PZ entries have been much fun. I recall one where
> various crimes were made punishable by transportation to the
> new lunar colonies. And there was a rash of crimes by various
> people you'd never expect to commit crimes, such as fresh new
> engineers, young doctors, etc. One of these guys was the central
> point of the story, as he was inconsolable in his prison cell.
> See, he'd picked the minimum crime that was punishable by
> transportation, but had bungled it and wound up killing a
> bystander. (Bank robbery or something, I don't recall.) And so
> instead of the free ride to the moon colony he was hoping for,
> and nobody harmed, he now had a murder on his conscience.
> Socks
I still remember fondly the one about the planet where no one could
ever be a millionaire, because their currency was hard, and it turned
out that one million of their coins piled together was *just* enough
to go prompt-critical (the coins being uranium + some moderating
substance, IIRC). Absolute nonsense, but for something that took up
less than a page...
Danny Sichel
>>Well, yeah, that's what pissed me off - the narrator's conclusion that
>>his buddy that outsmarted Public Health, and his observation that more
>>and more people were murdering Public Health Officers so that they too
>>could get sentenced to "death by smoking".
> The story I read, which I had *assumed* was the same one you were talking about,
Yeah, probably.
> had the first-person narrator being the husband of one of the "Public Health"
> people you're talking about. He killed her, was convicted, and chose
> "death by cigarettes."
Gee, I wonder if the author smoked.
Nix
> I still remember fondly the one about the planet where no one
> could ever be a millionaire, because their currency was hard,
> and it turned out that one million of their coins piled together
> was *just* enough to go prompt-critical (the coins being uranium
> + some moderating substance, IIRC). Absolute nonsense, but for
> something that took up less than a page...
Larry Niven, _A Modest Proposal_?
(entirely unrelated to anything by Swift, of *course*.)
--
`But of course, GR is the very best relativity for the masses.'
--- Wayne Throop
Steve Coltrin
Nix <nix-ra...@esperi.org.uk> writes:
> On Wed, 13 Jul 2005, David McMillan stipulated:
>> I still remember fondly the one about the planet where no one
>> could ever be a millionaire, because their currency was hard,
>> and it turned out that one million of their coins piled together
>> was *just* enough to go prompt-critical (the coins being uranium
>> + some moderating substance, IIRC). Absolute nonsense, but for
>> something that took up less than a page...
>
> Larry Niven, _A Modest Proposal_?
No, though that covers some of the same ground.
Something by Forward, perhaps.
--
Steve Coltrin spco...@omcl.org Tom Cruise can kiss my ass
"A group known as the League of Human Dignity helped arrange for Deuel
to be driven to a local livestock scale, where he could be weighed."
- Associated Press
Robert A. Woodward
Steve Coltrin <spco...@omcl.org> wrote:
> begin fnord
> Nix <nix-ra...@esperi.org.uk> writes:
>
> > On Wed, 13 Jul 2005, David McMillan stipulated:
> >> I still remember fondly the one about the planet where no one
> >> could ever be a millionaire, because their currency was hard,
> >> and it turned out that one million of their coins piled together
> >> was *just* enough to go prompt-critical (the coins being uranium
> >> + some moderating substance, IIRC). Absolute nonsense, but for
> >> something that took up less than a page...
> >
> > Larry Niven, _A Modest Proposal_?
>
> No, though that covers some of the same ground.
>
> Something by Forward, perhaps.
Are you thinking of _Camelot 30K_? Not precisely the same thing,
IMHO.
--
Robert Woodward <robe...@drizzle.com>
<http://www.drizzle.com/~robertaw>
Steve Coltrin
_C30K_ riffs on the same concept, but I've read the currency->critical->foom
story and something makes me want to say it's Forward too.
Ah, here it is. Forward, "Self-Limiting".
Danny Sichel
> Premise: anti-smoking sentiment has become so intense that there are
> Public Health Officers with powers of arrest-fine-and-confiscate which
> they exercise on those who are smoking in public.
> Also, the murder of a Public Health Officer is a capital crime. And
> there's a law granting those convicted of capital offences the right to
> choose their means of execution.
> So narrator's buddy-whom-he-admires murders a Public Health Officer who
> had tried to scold him for smoking, turns himself in, pleads guilty, and
> demands to be executed by smoking cigarettes.
ah, and Andrew Love identified this one for me in e-mail:
I didn't see anyone identify this for you, so, since I just ran across
what I think is this story in an old Analog, I thought I'd let you know
- it seems to be "Second-hand Smoke" by Bruce E. Ceasar. Discrepancies
- the story is told in the first person by the fellow who kills the
Public Health Officer (called a "Reaper"), the murder was not
premeditated, and the narrator was caught in the act, so he didn't have
to turn himself in. But the story does end with the protagonist noting
that he might have started a trend.