[Sith War IX] As If This War Needed Any More Pizzas Delivered
Daniel Olin Miller
and glided down toward RASSM Planet.
"You're sure about this?" asked Rimrunner over the com. "I mean, infinite
improbability... uh, over."
"You won't let me play," replied Dan'l. "I have to leave before I do
something mean like try and steal your ship. Thanks for letting me stay
as long as I did. I know I was getting on your nerves, over."
"Well, at least you have something better to do than play Tetris on the
second most powerful computer in the system, over."
"Right. No more computer games. No more computer anything. Over and
out." He flipped a switch and the com - a radio set - died with a brief
hum of feedback.
The glossy black shape dipped toward RASSM Planet, heading for the City.
On the way Dan'l briefly stopped thrusting, and dropped something out the
airlock. Rimrunner saw this on radar and called "Rimrunner to Dan'l,
Rimrunner to Dan'l, what was that, over? God this radio crap is so lame."
"Oh, nothing." said Dan'l. "Keep this frequency clear, I might need it.
Over and out!" He set the gyrosopic autopilot and left for the kitchen.
If he was going to pull this pizza scam off, he needed a pizza.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ground level, RASSM City:
"Look, up in the sky!"
"It's a bird!"
"It's a plane!"
"No it's not, it's a bird!"
"Plane!"
"Bird!"
"Plane!"
"Bird!"
The glossy black ship that was Dan'l's new ride swooped low over the
downtown of RASSM City. Clearly emblazoned on the side was the phrase,
"Maltesium Falcon". It decelerated hard over the Hall of Ham, the sonic
boom shattering all the windows.
----------------------------
Brief interlude while Dan'l goes to watch Cowboy Bebop irl.
----------------------------------
"And the work which becomes a genre in itself shall <snrrrrrrk>..."
---------------------------------------
Followed by longer interlude while Dan'l gets a good night's sleep and has
breakfast at Denny's irl.
--------------------------------------------------
OK, back to work!
---------------------------
The ship - which really did look like a bird of prey, no not the Star Trek
kind you fannish fool, more kind of like that feathery guy's fighter from
that early 80's Buck Rodgers show, but smooth instead of techy and black
instead of that 1980 Spaceship Gray color, and also bigger, like tramp
freighter size, and damn this aside really keeps going doesn't it, bet you
wish I'd bring an end to it, but no, it's going to go on several more
lines, while I tell you, as I've hinted already, that the ship is
completely analog, not a single logic circuit in the whole thing, every
electrical system is turned on by a switch that has to be thrown by
someone in the cockpit, thus rendering it immune to any computer trickery
- landed outside the N'Sync cube.
The beak opened to become a ramp, and down walked Dan'l, in a red and blue
polo shirt and carrying a large, flat box. He strode up to the cube's
front door. Laser emplacements tracked him but did not fire, recognizing
a pizza-delivery guy as no threat. He rang the doorbell and waited
patiently.
The intercom buzzed, "Yo, what you want?"
"I have a large onion and jalapeno pizza here for - " he pretended to read
the fake delivery slip - "Lance."
"Dude, we've had enough pizzas here for one day. Bye bye bye!"
"Come on, man, if I can't deliver this thing they take it out of my
salary!"
"Oh, all right." The door opened and Justin appeared. "What's the price
yo?"
"Sixteen ninety six."
"That's wack! Oh well, Lance is rich. I am too but I wouldn't spend
seventeen bucks on no pizza. Here's seventeen even. Keep the change."
Dan'l pondered the sort of wealth that left him with four pennies' profit,
but he turned to go. His mission was accomplished.
-----------------------------------------------------------
IRL, Dan'l realizes it's his day off and daylight's burning. He spends
most of the day cleaning his truck *thoroughly* because he's thinking of
selling it. He also goes on a huge bike ride, but gives it up when he
realizes if he pedals all the way to the top of the hill, the sun will
have gone behind a mountain by the time he starts back down. 30 per on a
dirt road in the dark is *dangerous*.
----------------------------------------------------------
Space! Pan across view of RASSM Planet to a small object. Zoom in to a
clockwork timer, whose hands reach zero, releasing a switch that ignites a
rocket motor.
On TV some people talk about objects in space "spiraling in". Those
people are idiots. If they're not idiots, they're assuming you are. The
rocket motor drops the object's velocity relative to the Earth to about
zero. It falls like a rock. An apt analogy, at that.
Threat sensors light up all over RASSM City. The one at Chateau De Les
Ordinatuers reads the highest threat assesment and calls dibs. A missile
rack folds out of the roof and launches at the incoming warhead - for
warhead it is assumed to be.
The assumption is wrong. The incoming projectile is ten solid tons of
tungsten. Missile after missile hits it, to no effect. The object
continues to plummet. By the time there is atmosphere to make it
relevant, the object is going fifteen times the speed of sound.
The object careens directly toward the Chateau. There seem to be no hope
now...
--------------------------------
Science joke - ever hear of the great German mettalurgist Wolfram Tungsten?
--------------------------------------------
Inside their cell, Gumby, C'Pi, and the mighty Archon Jade are awaiting
their fate. Lance comes into the holding area with a large flat box.
"Want more pizza, want it want it?" asks Lance.
The Porkinites can't talk for drooling.
"Here. Got it by mistake or something." He slides the pizza box under
the cell door. "Now, got a show to do! World domination awaits - again!"
Exit Lance, stage left, dancing.
"GIMME!" yells C'Pi and lunges for the box, but Gumby is faster. (C'Pi is
a better Porkinite, and speed is not usually considered a virtue!) Gumby
opens the box, and finds -
A pizza made with dough of plastique, napalm sauce, ammonium nitrate
cheese, and slices of dynamite where the pepperoni would be! In
firecrackers there is spelled out, "Bye Bye Die, Boy Band!"
A clockwork timer in the upper left corner shows something. Gumby can't
read it. Gumby can't read clocks that don't have blinky numbers.
"What does this say?" he asks.
"Oh crap, is that in minutes or seconds?" asks C'Pi. While he speaks the
hand moves a quarter turn.
"I got an idea!" says Jade. "Give me the pie!"
"No!" says Gumby, "it's MINE!"
"Now's not the time, Gumb." The Archon snatches the pizza from Gumby's
grip and slides it so it sits under the cell door. Then the Archon tips
the bed over and hides behind it.
"What did you do that for?" Gumby asks.
"Get back here behind the bed!" yealls the Archon. C'Pi is already headed
that direction.
"Oh Jade," smiles Gumby, "you know I don't love you *that* way. Besides,
there's this peng-"
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"-uin?"
When the smoke clears, the cell door is a twisted, loose-hanging tangle of
steel. Jade and C'Pi were protected by the bed, but Gumby looks like
Elmer Fudd when Bugs turns his gun barrel around.
"All right," says Jade, "we're getting out of here. These kids have to be
stopped, if we're to spread the word of Porkins!"
The room shakes violently. "What was that?" whimpers Gumby, obviously the
worse for wear.
"Dunno" says Jade. "Earthquake or something. Come on, we have work to
do."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Summary:
- Dan'l has a new ship. It's cool. It also can't be hacked, at least not
computer-wise.
-Dan'l attempted a bomb assasination of the boy band. It went awry, and
as a result...
- The Porkinite brass are loose in N'Sync's cube.
- Dan'l attempted a kinetic strike on Chateau de les Ordinateurs. Did it
succeed? Or did something else happen? I leave it to the next author...
Daniel O. Miller
Here in my car,
The image breaks down,
Will you visit me please,
If I open my door,
In cars...
-Muuurgh (-o-)
"Daniel Olin Miller" <dmil...@ecn.purdue.edu> wrote in message
news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020201...@roger.ecn.purdue.edu...
> An indistinct, glossy black shape broke off from the _Highly_Improbable_
> and glided down toward RASSM Planet.
>
*puts away scissors*
*holds out sign that reads "applause"*
This is awesome! Great job Dan'l!!
I'm humbled and impressed.
Great plot development.
Muuurgh (-o-)
where did Olin come from?
Daniel O. Miller
>
> "Daniel Olin Miller" <dmil...@ecn.purdue.edu> wrote in message
> news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020201...@roger.ecn.purdue.edu...
> > An indistinct, glossy black shape broke off from the _Highly_Improbable_
> > and glided down toward RASSM Planet.
> >
> <snip>
> *puts away scissors*
> *holds out sign that reads "applause"*
>
> This is awesome! Great job Dan'l!!
> I'm humbled and impressed.
Thanks.
BTW, I have a great title for a story involving you and Jade, just waiting
for an opportunity to work it in...
> where did Olin come from?
Indiana. (It's my dad's name.)
Daniel O. "There were a half-dozen other Daniel Millers at Purdue" Miller
"Does this look familiar? Do you know what it is? Neither do I! I made
it last night in my sleep. Apparently I used gindrogac - highly unstable!
I put a button on it, yes? I wish to press it, but I'm not sure what will
happen if I do..." - Gune
-Muuurgh (-o-)
"Daniel O. Miller" <dmil...@ridgenet.net> wrote in message
news:Pine.SOL.3.95.102020...@owens.ridgecrest.ca.us...
> On Sat, 2 Feb 2002, -Muuurgh (-o-) wrote:
>
> >
> > "Daniel Olin Miller" <dmil...@ecn.purdue.edu> wrote in message
> > news:Pine.GSO.4.33.020201...@roger.ecn.purdue.edu...
> > > An indistinct, glossy black shape broke off from the
_Highly_Improbable_
> > > and glided down toward RASSM Planet.
> > >
> > <snip>
> > *puts away scissors*
> > *holds out sign that reads "applause"*
> >
> > This is awesome! Great job Dan'l!!
> > I'm humbled and impressed.
>
> Thanks.
>
> BTW, I have a great title for a story involving you and Jade, just waiting
> for an opportunity to work it in...
>
oh reeeeeheheheheaaaaaaallly...
> > where did Olin come from?
>
> Indiana. (It's my dad's name.)
>
>
I just may name my 3rd child after you Olin.
--
-Samwise Brockhouse of Loamstown (-o-)
Porkins is your daddy.