Inés / PJR
Peter J Ross
----
Green is the colour of nice people
whose fugitive ink is never red.
Red is the foreigner's painted steeple,
and black's the clenchy fingers
of oh so many's forgotten dead.
Brown is the road you ride to me on;
right's your hair and white's your hope.
Fugitive ink doesn't last, it doesn't.
I don't like the smell of the city:
the smell of a city's the sound of rope.
PJR, 2008-10-29
tx_max_king
nice piece, i have a problem with your 'apostrophe s'
was this intentional?
red is the foreigner's painted steeple----ok
next line though
and black, the clenchy fingers --- imo
of so many forgotten dead ---imo
a little clumsy (many's), but the meaning does change somewhat
right is your hair and white is your hope ----imo
is there a reason for leaving out the verb 'is'?
last line
the smell of a city is the sound of rope.--- imo
your poem. i'm sure you have your reasons
is it a syllable thing?
syllable counts are'nt always a good reason to short cut
max
Dennis M. Hammes
> On Oct 29, 7:09 pm, Peter J Ross <p...@patchword.com> wrote:
>
>>Inés
>>----
>>
>>Green is the colour of nice people
>>whose fugitive ink is never red.
>>Red is the foreigner's painted steeple,
>> and black's the clenchy fingers
>>of oh so many's forgotten dead.
>>
>>Brown is the road you ride to me on;
>>right's your hair and white's your hope.
>>Fugitive ink doesn't last, it doesn't.
>> I don't like the smell of the city:
>>the smell of a city's the sound of rope.
>>
>>PJR, 2008-10-29
>
>
> nice piece, i have a problem with your 'apostrophe s'
> was this intentional?
> red is the foreigner's painted steeple----ok
>
> next line though
> and black, the clenchy fingers --- imo
So you can't handle a simple parallel construction.
>
> of so many forgotten dead ---imo
> a little clumsy (many's), but the meaning does change somewhat
It changes completely.
Your inability to sense any people in the targets of your class
rants is well known, so your failure to think of the many whose dead
they are is unsurprising.
>
> right is your hair and white is your hope ----imo
> is there a reason for leaving out the verb 'is'?
My guess: He wanted to prove you have no ears.
And no brain, since he didn't leave it out.
Twice.
*tee-hee*
>
> last line
> the smell of a city is the sound of rope.--- imo
>
> your poem. i'm sure you have your reasons
> is it a syllable thing?
> syllable counts are'nt always a good reason to short cut
" i have a problem with your 'apostrophe s' "
You have a worse one with your own.
Try to have your typing make sense.
>
>
> max
--
-------(m+
~/:o)_|
Illiteracy and stupidity fight to the death every day.
Trouble is, they breed first.
http://scrawlmark.org
tx_max_king
> You have a worse one with your own.
to each their own.
Rik Roots
Green's the colour of nice people
whose fugitive ink's never red.
Red's the foreigner's painted steeple,
and black's the clenchy fingers
of oh so many's forgotten dead.
Brown's the road you ride to me on;
right's your hair and white's your hope.
Fugitive ink doesn't last, it doesn't.
I don't like the smell of the city:
the smell of a city's the sound of rope.
I'm not keen on the doesn't|don't mix - free yourself from grammar and
go for one or t'other?
Ugly on the first read; better on the second: come the third and I'm
itching to nick that last line.
>
> PJR, 2008-10-29
Rik, knee deep.
Peter J Ross
tx_max_king <txmx...@yahoo.com> wrote:
> On Oct 29, 7:09 pm, Peter J Ross <p...@patchword.com> wrote:
>> Inés
>> ----
>>
>> Green is the colour of nice people
>> whose fugitive ink is never red.
>> Red is the foreigner's painted steeple,
>> and black's the clenchy fingers
>> of oh so many's forgotten dead.
>>
>> Brown is the road you ride to me on;
>> right's your hair and white's your hope.
>> Fugitive ink doesn't last, it doesn't.
>> I don't like the smell of the city:
>> the smell of a city's the sound of rope.
>>
>> PJR, 2008-10-29
>
> nice piece, i have a problem with your 'apostrophe s'
> was this intentional?
It's too noticeable that there are a lot of them. Some of them are
there for no better reason than to increase the number of trochaic
substitutions almost but not quite to the point where the verse seems
trochaic, not dactylic.
> red is the foreigner's painted steeple----ok
>
> next line though
> and black, the clenchy fingers --- imo
That's possibly an improvement. I hesitated between the two; what you
see is the version I happened to prefer a second before posting.
> of so many forgotten dead ---imo
Doesn't scan, unless the reader places an unnatural stress on "of".
> a little clumsy (many's), but the meaning does change somewhat
I find my version more interesting, but neither version is as
interesting as I'd like it to be.
> right is your hair and white is your hope ----imo
I want at least one purely trochaic line. I also want three "<colour>
is" phrases, not four or more.
I also want it be unclear whether "right's" means "of right" or "right
is", but I haven't managed that ambiguity well.
> is there a reason for leaving out the verb 'is'?
Where did I leave it out?
> last line
> the smell of a city is the sound of rope.--- imo
Doesn't scan.
> your poem. i'm sure you have your reasons
> is it a syllable thing?
> syllable counts are'nt always a good reason to short cut
There are four feet in each line, except in the indented lines, where
there are three. The metre is predominantly dactylic, with frequent
trochaic substitutions and occasional anacrusis. I have no idea how
many syllables there are.
Thanks for commenting.
--
PJR :-)
Peter J Ross
<r...@nowayhosay.org> wrote:
That may be better, but the prevailing metre's quite different, and
I'd rather reduce the number of apostrophes than increase them.
But you and TMK have both noticed an inconsistency that probably needs
fixing.
> I'm not keen on the doesn't|don't mix - free yourself from grammar and
> go for one or t'other?
In an early draft I had "it don't, it doesn't". I had some idea of
conjugating a verb oddly here, but I don't think it had any point.
> Ugly on the first read; better on the second: come the third and I'm
> itching to nick that last line.
You have my permission to use it if you can do something better or
different with it. I think the third line is also not bad.