evolution of a poem (sunrise)
Cathy Newberry
I wasn't going to post this up again, but I have been having discussions
with someone else about it, and we both came up with different versions
of it. First of all, he wrote a poem about his interpretation on
what I was saying, which gave me an idea for a different version, which
prompted a second version from him.... Phew! That was hard to say!
First, the poem based on the poem:
Sunrise
I watched the sun give birth today:
Blood streaked the horizon.
Did she scream?
The sky rippled with agony;
Earth-child cried.
The vision fades.
Just an unpleasant memory,
An artist's dream: pink and pretty
In the arms of the Madonna.
Earth-child asks,
"Is creation always so painful?"
The tourists seem unmoved as they depart,
chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
Gerald Chick (2/1990)
* Based on an original work by Cathy Newberry.
(cat...@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au)
This led to me getting an idea for changes to my poem:
Sunrise
The sun gave birth to today:
Blood streaked the horizon.
She screamed,
The sky rippled with her agony.
Earth-child wailed, expelled from that swollen womb.
The stains of labour faded,
Became the artist's dream:
Pink, pretty.
Earth-child gurgled, content with her playground.
The pain of creation was forgotten.
The tourists were unmoved as they departed,
chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
Cathy Newberry, February, 1990. Copyright.
*The idea of Earth-child came from another poem based on
this one, by Gerald Chick. (g.c...@trl.oz)
Then Gerald wrote a second version, which I really like:
Sunrise
I watched the sun give birth today:
Blood streaked the horizon.
Did she scream?
The sky rippled with agony;
Earth-child cried.
Is creation always so painful?
The tourists depart,
chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
I wonder what they saw?
Gerald Chick (2/1990)
Comments?
|Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita Cathy Newberry |
|mi ritrovai per una selva oscura Dept Comp Sci. |
|che la diritta via era smarrita. Adfa, Canberra, Australia.|
Wlodzimierz Holsztynski
> [skip ~5lines]
>First, the poem based on the poem:
>
>
> Sunrise
> [a few lines skept]
>
> The tourists seem unmoved as they depart,
> chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
>
>
> Gerald Chick (2/1990)
>
>
> * Based on an original work by Cathy Newberry.
> (cat...@crypto.cs.adfa.oz.au)
>
>This led to me getting an idea for changes to my poem:
>
> Sunrise
> [a few lines skept]
>
> The tourists were unmoved as they departed,
> chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
>
>
> Cathy Newberry, February, 1990. Copyright.
>
>*The idea of Earth-child came from another poem based on
>this one, by Gerald Chick. (g.c...@trl.oz)
>
>
>
>Then Gerald wrote a second version, which I really like:
>
>
> Sunrise
>
> I watched the sun give birth today:
> Blood streaked the horizon.
> Did she scream?
> The sky rippled with agony;
> Earth-child cried.
> Is creation always so painful?
>
> The tourists depart,
> chattering of picturesque sunrises and airline bookings.
>
> I wonder what they saw?
>
> Gerald Chick (2/1990)
>
>
>
>Comments?
>
Yes. Finally the terrorists (I mean poets) have stopped
attacking the poor tourists, and the poem became even
better than it was before. Just simple statements. So much
nicer. And I wouldn't even bother in this case with the
redundant question "I wonder what they saw?" which was answered
just the line above it.
Great poem
Wlod's imho
PS. The idea of giving the birth to today is more interesting, then
that of to the Earth. And logically it's better. It's harder to implement
since it's more abstract - it takes more of poetic sweat to make it work
but it's worth it.