Poem: Self-Portrait
brunsvigia
Were I to use a brush
and like Van Gogh
speak all my burning heart
on canvas,
I would not have a face
but mere impressions of myself:
Splashed here and there
dark hues of green
for youthful self-conceit,
impatience and disdain.
Touch shades of yellow
that which marked
my childish cowardice
and dab deep russet tones for
great ambitions unfulfilled.
Each stroke, each stain a
painful revelation;
I am exposed...
Red paints my passion and my zest for life;
dark hues in broader strokes
burn furiously for deep discord as
filial bonds collapsed
and I, forever branded by
such guilt for errant ways
regressed to angry wail...
grey my insecurities,
self-doubt,
self-loathe...
Still, this latent image would
not be complete:
I would the clouds embody hope,
the sky my dreams,
the stars my victory.
And though this painting
may evoke revulsion
or admiration
or both:
that is me...
**
bruny
comments okay.
Wagner Mitchell Family
here! I'd lose the archaic use of language and get straight to the
point in the first stanza, and then I think you might have something
here.
Bernadette
brunsvigia wrote:
--
Wagner Mitchell Family
Regina, Saskatchewan, Canada
mailto:wagm...@sk.sympatico.ca
http://www3.sk.sympatico.ca/mitchb
Martin Haas
Also commend the color scheme linking to character traits.
brunsvigia <vanh...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:39528...@news1.mweb.co.za...
Max King
Wagner Mitchell Family <wagm...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote:
>Well, I think this is the nearest thing to a poem I've seen all week in
>here!
sigh!
Matthew Banwell
wrote:
Much applause and cheering from over here! Well written, and lovely
music to read...
M@
Wagner Mitchell Family
Max King wrote:
Did I miss one of yours, Max?
Max King
Wagner Mitchell Family <wagm...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote:
>
>
>Max King wrote:
>
>> In article <3952A915...@sk.sympatico.ca>,
>> Wagner Mitchell Family <wagm...@sk.sympatico.ca> wrote:
>>
>> >Well, I think this is the nearest thing to a poem I've seen all week in
>> >here!
>>
>> sigh!
>
>Did I miss one of yours, Max?
. . . being so quiet around here the past week from all
the Rappers being in Chicago, I slipt a few in, but I'v also
caught a few others of note. Although I do agree with you,
summer is the time for delinquent rambling attempting to
disguise as poetry. Don't sweat it, Bernadette . . .
-Max
brunsvigia
Allow me to give a huge sigh of relief! It's my first post here
though not my first foray into poetry. I'm really glad
"Self-portrait" qualifies as a poem! <bg>
bruny
brunsvigia
Martin Haas <swe...@erols.com> wrote in message
news:8iuqa5$mb8$1...@bob.news.rcn.net...
> You keep at your comparison all the way through and that is good
technique.
> Also commend the color scheme linking to character traits.
> brunsvigia <vanh...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:39528...@news1.mweb.co.za...
> > SELF-PORTRAIT
Thanks Martin. The poem has gone through a few drafts and I
appreciate your comments that justify my crafting the last
(latest?) draft of the poem. I am much encouraged to continue
here!
bruny
brunsvigia
lovely
> music to read...
>
> M@
Thanks Matthew. The comments have been very inspiring. I'm new to
this group and just about feeling my way around.
bruny
Matthew Banwell <mat...@nospam.banwell.com> wrote in message
news:39532a63...@news.gradwell.net...
Rik Roots
> SELF-PORTRAIT
>
> Were I to use a brush
> and like Van Gogh
> speak all my burning heart
> on canvas,
>
don't like burning heart - it does work, but I want somthing more
chaotic - the man was barking, after all. "churning vision"?
> I would not have a face
> but mere impressions of myself:
> Splashed here and there
> dark hues of green
> for youthful self-conceit,
> impatience and disdain.
> Touch shades of yellow
> that which marked
> my childish cowardice
> and dab deep russet tones for
> great ambitions unfulfilled.
"mere" jars. But the rest of this stanza is vibrant!
>
> Each stroke, each stain a
> painful revelation;
>
> I am exposed...
Redundant - isn't the point of the poem to show us this? So why tell
me?
>
> Red paints my passion and my zest for life;
> dark hues in broader strokes
> burn furiously for deep discord as
> filial bonds collapsed
> and I, forever branded by
> such guilt for errant ways
> regressed to angry wail...
>
> grey my insecurities,
> self-doubt,
> self-loathe...
>
> Still, this latent image would
> not be complete:
>
> I would the clouds embody hope,
> the sky my dreams,
> the stars my victory.
>
> And though this painting
> may evoke revulsion
> or admiration
> or both:
>
> that is me...
You've covered the entire palette, it seems. I think concentrating on
3 or 4 key colours would have sufficed for me (but then, I'm on a
diet...)
Not sure about the ending, either. But I have no suggestions for how
it could end better.
>
> **
>
> bruny
>
> comments okay.
>
>
Best wishes
Rik
Max King
"brunsvigia" <vanh...@yahoo.com> wrote:
>Max
>
>Allow me to give a huge sigh of relief! It's my first post here
>though not my first foray into poetry. I'm really glad
>"Self-portrait" qualifies as a poem! <bg>
>
>bruny
Hey Bruny,
. . . welcome and allow me to expand on this. RAP is an 'open' forum,
and as such anyone is allowed to post for the perusal and crucification
from anyone else. Sure we have regulars that have been writing and posting
poems for many millenia. If this is all we had I'm sure most of us would
bore each other sooner or later. We also have newcomers or 'newbies' as
they are commonly referred to. Most of us welcome these brave souls. Many
newbies post and then get scared off by someones harsh critique or straight
forward approach (it sucks, being common). Not everyone that posts has
studied formal poetry and this pisses off many of the vets. Simply because
if you don't know what poetry is than how could you possibly classify
your own work as poetry.
But the fact of the matter is that many of the first attempt writers basically
have solid ideas they just haven't perfected the expression of those ideas.
I know I could personally take just about any juvenile rant including the
love angst bs and just by removing a few prepositions and adjectives and
changing a few of the nouns into more substantial literary descriptives, and
possibly changing the verb tense here and there, I can turn just about
any of these prose rants into a semblance of poetry. (also line breaks, rhythm,
puctuatuion, etc..)
The fact is most of these new writers are lazy and instead of working
or re-working their writing (as most of us do all too often), they would
prefer to brush it off as 'oh well, I guess my spiel ain't good enough'.
Nothing is further from the truth. Most of us here started by writing juvenile
mush and then eventually learned enough about the craft that on occasion
we create something that can almost be loosely classified as 'a poem'.
I was glad to see when alt.arts.poetry.comments was created because this gave the
younger set a new forum and left RAP for more 'cured' attempts.
My point being 'don't give up trying', study more poetry and for
damn sure don't be afraid when people spit in your face. Just turn around
and kick more ass.
-Max
PS and if I might use your poem as an example . . .
SELF-PORTRAIT
Were I to use my colored brush
my own Van Gogh
with strokes of all my burning heart
on canvas.
I would not have a face
but only subtle impressions of myself.
Splashed here and there
dark hues of green
for youthful self-conceit.
Impatient and disdainful.
Touched in shades of yellow
would be the marks of childish cowardice.
Dabs of deep dark russet tones
from ambitions great still unfulfilled.
Each stroke and stain
a painful revelation.
Exposed am I.
Red my passion paints
my zest for life.
Shaded hues in broader strokes
burn furious and with deep discord
filial bonds collapsed.
And I, forever branded
by such guilt for errant ways
regressed to angry wails.
Grey my insecurities
self-doubt, self-loathing.
And yet the latent image
not complete.
I would clouds embody hope
the sky my dreams
and stars my victory.
And though the final canvas
may evoke revulsion,
admiration
or both.
It is me.
**
written by bruny
with a little revision assist from Max
(hope you didn't mind)
. . . still not perfect, and by no means
a framework for making your own poem a better poem
as a matter of fact yours is for sure better since
it represents the actual thoughts of the poet.
But I only used it as an example,
I hope this helps,
let me know what ya' think.
And just to let you see that I'm sincere
I'll post a 'painters' poem I wrote sometime back.
-Max
Max King
. . . another good example from Rik and Martin.
Kinda like cleaning the garage
keep what ya' think ya' can use
and throw away the rest.
Tells ya' where my weekend is heading . . .