You Know You've Played Too Much Infocom When...
by Doug Atkinson
1. you pass a pile of leaves and stop to count them.
2. you grab everything in sight, because "if it's in the game, it
must have a purpose, right?"
3. you find yourself in a large building and start dropping
objects to mark your path.
4. you put your books in a sealed container every time you go
5. you try to convince your friends to play
6. you try to switch to LEWD mode every time you encounter a
member of the opposite sex.
7. you mutter "z" to yourself whenever nothing's happening.
8. you only walk in the eight primary compass directions.
9. you keep all your valuable items in your living room.
10. you say "Hello Sailor" to everyone you meet, in case it works
11. you save every key you find, because there must be a lock
later in the game.
12. you introduce yourself to people by your name, your title,
the turn number, and the number of points you currently have.
13. you sleep with a night light to keep the grues away.
14. you take an inventory of your possessions whenever you're
unsure what to do.
15. you constantly carry a pencil and paper to map your location.
16. you gather fluff, wherever it may be found.
17. you ask all questions in the form "PERSON, TELL ME ABOUT THE
THING." ("Professor, tell me about the exam." "Bob, tell me about
the drill press.")
18. you check your blood pressure whenever you're annoyed, to
make sure you don't die.
19. you find yourself asking Sgt. Duffy to analyze anything you
20. you feed sandwiches to all the stray dogs you encounter,
"just in case."
21. you find yourself rephrasing whenever you try something that
22. in odd moments, you taste yourself, smell yourself, and feel
yourself just to see what results you get.
23. you touch every mirror you encounter, and steel yourself
against insults every time you look into one.
24. you refer to the celebration of [the Fourth of July/Guy
Fawkes Day, depending on your country] as "gratuitous fireworks."
25. you look forward to spring, so you can find all the Easter
eggs you've been missing.
26. you try not to study too hard, because with all that
information buzzing around in your brain, something might get
lost in the shuffle.
27. you dig under oak trees in search of chocolate truffles.
28. you abbrev all the long words you use to six letter or less.
29. you suggest singing "Winter Bozbarland" and "Plover the River
and Frotz the Woods" while carolling.
30. you carry your stethoscope under your hat.
31. you blame your ignorance on missing documentation.
32. you immediately say "UNDO" after making a stupid mistake.
33. you argue that the afterlife exists, but that your only
options in it are to restore, restart, or quit.
34. you can't tell the difference between a garden and a
35. you buy a box of sugar cubes and give them all names.
36. you get your Double Fanucci handicap below 30.
37. you constantly keep an eye out for the lost Prince of
38. your will specifies neither cremation nor burial, but
disappearance in a cloud of black smoke.
Sources for some of the more obscure
references mentioned above:
1.Zork I and Leather Goddesses of Phobos. (69,105)
5.Planetfall (I always wondered how it was played...).
6.Leather Goddesses of Phobos, of course.
10.The Zork series.
13.Anything in the Zork setting.
16.Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
19.Deadline, The Witness, and Suspect.
20.Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
22.Most games, but Zork produces the best results to this one.
(Smell yourself in Lurking Horror sometime, but save first.)
24.Beyond Zork (the description of the credits spell).
26.The Enchanter series.
28.Any of the early games, before they extended it to nine
letters. 29.Beyond Zork. 30.Sherlock. 31.Lost Treasures of
Infocom, particularly Moonmist and Ballyhoo.
34.Deadline (see #28).
36.Spellbreaker and Zork Zero.
37.As mentioned above, Enchanter. Does anyone remember the
old Zork choose-your-own-adventure books? In the first one, one
of the false paths (just to see if you were cheating) went
something like, "If you got the magic sneakers from the Prince of
Kaldorn, turn to page 39." In the second book, the Prince
actually turned up and gave you a set of magic sneakers. I was
very pleased when I bought LToI I, finally played Enchanter and
ran into the Prince of Kaldorn again (well, sort of). (He also
turns up in the Invisiclues for that game, although he's using
magic pajamas this time.)