The Well-Dressed Adventurer

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GLEEMOTH

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Aug 2, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/2/97
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*warning- long post ahead*
I was looking through old posts I saved on my hard drive and I noticed
this little gem of a thread: "The Well-Dressed Adventurer". Here's my
compiled list of the best (in my opinion) required attributes and items.
Enjoy!

* A light source. There are dark rooms out there, after all, and the
Well-Dressed Adventurer's night vision is notoriously poor. Preferably the
source can be refueled, or doesn't require fuel. In the olden days,
Adventurers were always running out of lamp oil right when they needed it
most...

* An amazing sense of the cardinal directions. The Well-Dressed Adventurer
can tell you which way is north after being stripped naked and teleported
to a pitch-black room on a different planet. While he understands the
basic concept of doors (often as obstacles to further progress), he
doesn't think of rooms in the same way as you or I, namely, the
connections between rooms. (Quiz yourself. Do *you* know which way north
is from your house?) Imagine trying to give the Well-Dressed Adventurer
directions: "Bathroom? Yeah. Go through that door, on the end of the hall,
on your left." "Pardon?" "South twice, than east." "Ah."

* Map-making tools. The Well-Dressed Adventurer never relies on his memory
to navigate around even such a theoretically familiar place as his own
home digs. Paper, a writing utensil (preferably a pencil), and a surface
are a must. Many modern Adventurers, though, just take notes in the field
and render a map on their computer when they get back to home base.

* A major case of kleptomania. While the Well-Dressed Adventurer would
never *steal* from you, he is always on the lookout for items he can
borrow until his adventure is done. To prevent unfortunate property
damage, I recommend against attempting to secure your valuables in a safe,
by nailing them down, by hiding them under the bed, etcetera. The more
difficult an item is to obtain, the more obsessed he becomes with getting
it. Lay in a supply of sticky labels instead, and label anything you don't
want him fiddling with 'scenery'. This magic incantation wards the
Well-Dressed Adventurer more often than not. It also helps if you give all
of your possessions really obscure names or describe them in odd nouns.
Instead of 'computer', make sure your 386 can only be referred to by the
name 'Torgo'. Always call your mouse a pointer, and call the phone an
audicom. More often than not, this will make an Adventurer simply give up.

* A rucksack, backpack, or other pack capable of holding all the things
he's err.. borrowed. Of course, this is an idea the Well-Dressed
Adventurer got from a certain lean and hungry gentleman. The Well-Dressed
Adventurer likes to carry everything around with him at all times, for he
never knows when he might need it. Unless, of course, the Adventurer has
found the object's 'true home', the idyllic location or situation which
Adventurers know every inanimate object tries to reach, the one that truly
fits best- and so Adventurers continue their crusade to put such objects
in their rightful place...

* Pocketless clothes. Many a Well-Dressed Adventurer spurns pockets, even
when it -would- make it easier to carry that rubber duck (which the
Well-Dressed Adventurer needs to be able to get Foucault's Pendulum away
from the Sword of Damocles). Others, however, just don't know what to do
with them. Even when they have pockets, all they do is search them-- it
just rarely occurs to them that they might benefit from putting an object
they've worked so hard to find into something not in immediate view...
They -will-, however, look for any objects that they can put their stuff
in. On a related subject, the Well-Dressed Adventurer either walks around
stark naked most of the time, or is completely unaware of most of his/her
clothes.

* A bad memory. I forget why.

* A funny little voice inside their heads which tells them what to do.

* A good case of deja vu. The Well-Dressed Adventurer will often know that
pulling that lever will propell them into certain death at the teeth of a
six-foot razor worm at the bottom of a pit, in spite of the fact that the
only way such information could be gained would be by actually pulling the
lever. Odd, that.

* The Well-Dressed Adventurer is always gender unspecified, yet at the
same time always male.

* The Well-Dressed Adventurer either is unable to hold more than, oh, say
10 objects, even if the items are just 10 pebbles, or can hold every item
he sees and still be able to push buttons, open doors, and pull levers.

* The Well-Dressed Adventurer is also never surprised by a lack of people
milling about and thinks everyone he encounters is going to help or
hinder.

* The Well-Dressed Adventurer insists on *carrying* his sword, when most
people would *wear* it in some way thus leaving their hands free.

These attributes of the Well-Dressed Adventurer came directly from the
keyboards of these people:
Fred "Clyde" Sloniker (pu...@u.washington.edu)
Matthew T. Russotto (russ...@wanda.vf.pond.com)
George Caswell (timb...@adamant.res.wpi.edu)
Bruce Alan Greenwood (RD...@music.macarthur.uws.EDU.AU)
Nicholas Daley (dal...@ihug.co.nz)
Andrew Plotkin (erky...@netcom.com)
Dan Shiovitz (scy...@u.washington.edu)
Eli The Bearded (e...@alpha.netusa.net)
Bill Hoggett (mas.su...@easynet.co.uk)
The above E-mail addresses and names are those shown on the posts I got
these from. They are dated around 11/96, so be warned.
Also, please be sure to follow-up with more ideas. :-)
Shay Caron (glee...@aol.com)

LFrench106

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Aug 3, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/3/97
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>I was looking through old posts I saved on my hard drive and I noticed
>this little gem of a thread: "The Well-Dressed Adventurer". Here's my
>compiled list of the best (in my opinion) required attributes and items.
>Enjoy!

The Well Dressed Adventurer has an unusual metabolism. Either s/he can go
for years without eating, or needs to eat, drink, and/or sleep every half
hour.

The Well Dressed Adventurer also has an unusual rate of motion. It always
takes him exactly one minute to commit any action, ex. going from place to
another always takes one minute, no matter how close or far away they are.
It always takes one minute to flush a toilet; it always takes one minute
to fingerprint a knife.

He can sometimes have a case of total recall. He can remember everything
he has ever carried, and every place he has ever been. He can (if properly
notified) quote you word for word.

He also loves saying nonsense words, like logack, and plaw; but especially
"zizzy", (spelled Xyzzy (believed to originate from an accidental
inscription on the wall of a cave)). May claim to hear "A hollow voice"
after saying such words.

Any others?

Stephen Granade

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Aug 3, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/3/97
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I had forgotten this, and how much I liked it. Would any of the following
people mind if I put this in one of my upcoming articles (properly credited):

> Fred "Clyde" Sloniker (pu...@u.washington.edu)
> Matthew T. Russotto (russ...@wanda.vf.pond.com)
> George Caswell (timb...@adamant.res.wpi.edu)
> Bruce Alan Greenwood (RD...@music.macarthur.uws.EDU.AU)
> Nicholas Daley (dal...@ihug.co.nz)
> Andrew Plotkin (erky...@netcom.com)
> Dan Shiovitz (scy...@u.washington.edu)
> Eli The Bearded (e...@alpha.netusa.net)
> Bill Hoggett (mas.su...@easynet.co.uk)

> Shay Caron (glee...@aol.com)

Stephen

--
Stephen Granade | "It takes character to withstand the
sgra...@phy.duke.edu | rigors of indolence."
Duke University, Physics Dept | -- from _The Madness of King George_


Paul Bowler

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Aug 5, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/5/97
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LFrench106 wrote:

>
> He also loves saying nonsense words, like logack, and plaw;

Surely 'Lagach' and 'Plough' ?!

Lah, la lah, te dum, de diddle....

--
Paul

-----------------------------------
Come si dice? Pericoloso sporgersi!
-----------------------------------

Fred M. Sloniker

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Aug 6, 1997, 3:00:00 AM8/6/97
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Stephen Granade wrote:
>
> I had forgotten this, and how much I liked it. Would any of the
> following people mind if I put this in one of my upcoming articles
> (properly credited):
>
> > Fred "Clyde" Sloniker (pu...@u.washington.edu)

That would be me. (:3 There's an interesting story behind the name,
by the by; at the time, I was using my brother's account to post.
When I posted the original article, the Cardinal liked my example of
giving directions to the Well-Dressed Adventurer so much he put it
into his sig... with my brother's name. So I emailed him and said,
"That's awfully nice of you, but my name's *Fred* Sloniker." So he
amended the quote to be attributed to Clyde "Fred" Sloniker. (:3

I certainly don't mind. In fact, I'd enjoy the attention. (:3

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