Chicken Philosophy

9 views
Skip to first unread message

John Francis

unread,
Jul 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/1/98
to

This recently turned up on a humo(u)r newsgroup.

It reminded me of a couple of the chicken comp games.

>
> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
>
> KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.
>
> PLATO: For the greater good.
>
> ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.
>
> KARL MARX: Historical inevitability.
>
> TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that's the only trip the establishment would
> let it take.
>
> SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
> quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>
> RONALD REAGAN: I forget.
>
> CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone
> before.
>
> HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.
>
> ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
> was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced
> with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies
> required for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a
> partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by
> rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation
> processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Andersen helped
> the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and
> experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in
> support of its overall strategy within a Program Management
> framework. Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of
> road analysts and best chickens along with Anderson consultants with
> deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day
> itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge
> capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with
> each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and
> successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value
> framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The
> meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an
> impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused,
> and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and
> aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was
> conducive towards the creation of a total business integration
> solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to become
> more successful.
>
> LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The
> chicken 'crossed' the black man in order to trample him and keep him
> down.
>
> MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will
> be free to cross roads without having their motives called into
> question.
>
> MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the
> chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the chicken crossed the
> road, and there was much rejoicing.
>
> FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many
> more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?
>
> RICHARD M. NIXON: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the
> chicken did NOT cross the road.
>
> MACHIAVELLI: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who
> cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive
> there was.
>
> JERRY SEINFELD: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't
> anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing
> walking around all over the place, anyway?"
>
> FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken
> crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
>
> BILL GATES: I have just released the new Chicken Office 2000, which
> will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important
> documents, and balance your checkbook.
>
> OLIVER STONE: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the
> road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time,
> whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"
>
> DARWIN: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally
> selected in such a way that they are now genetically disposed to cross
> roads.
>
> EINSTEIN: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved
> beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
>
> BUDDHA: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.
>
> RALPH WALDO EMERSON: The chicken did not cross the road .. it
> transcended it.
>
> ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
>
> COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
>
--
John Francis jfra...@sgi.com Silicon Graphics, Inc.
(650)933-8295 2011 N. Shoreline Blvd. MS 43U-991
(650)933-4692 (Fax) Mountain View, CA 94043-1389
Hello. My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.

Frank Filz

unread,
Jul 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/1/98
to

And here's some from Visual Developer June/July 1996 in the Breakpoint
column titled Chicken Joke Compiler:

The Windows NT chicken will cross the road in June. No, August,
September for sure.

The OS/2 chickem: It crossed the road in style years ago, but it was so
quiet nobody noticed.

The Windows 95 chicken: You see different colored feathers while it
crosses, but cook it and it still tastes like...chicken.

Microsoft Chicken (TM): It's already on both sides of the road. And it
just bought the road.

The OOP chicken: It doesn't need to cross the road, it just sends a
message.

The Assembler chicken: First it builds the road...

The C chicken: It crosses the road without looking both ways.

The C++ chicken: The chicken wouldn't have to cross the road, you simply
refer to him on the other side.

The Prolog chicken: How it crosses the road doesn't matter - but ask it
why and it will tell you.

VB: USHighways!TheRoad.Cross(aChicken)

The Delphi chicken: The chicken is dragged across the road and dropped
on the other side.

The Java chicken: If your road needs to be crossed by a chicken, the
server will download one to the other side (of course those are
chicklets).

The Web chicken: Jumps out onto the road, turns right, and just keeps on
running.

The Gopher chicken: Tried to run, but got flattened by the Web chicken.

The Newton chicken: Can't cluck, can't fly, and can't lay eggs, but you
can carry it across the road in your pocket.

The Cray chickem: Crosses the road faster than any other chicken, but if
you don't dip it in liquid nitrogen first, it arrives on the other side
fully cooked.

The Quantum Logic chicken: The chicken is distributed probabalistically
on all sides of the road until you observe it on the side of your
choice.

The Esther Dyson chicken: You can cross the road with her for only
$3,000 - but also have to listen to her talk about how she went to
Harvard.

The Lotus chicken: Don't you DARE try to cross the road the same way we
do!

The Byte chicken: It's started talking about all the great roads it
crossed ten and fifteen years ago.

The MacChicken: No reasonable chicken owner would want a chicken to
cross the road, so there's no way to rell it to.

The Al Gore chicken: Waiting for completion of NCI (the National
Chicken-crossing Infrastructure) and will cross as soon as it's
finished, assuming he's re-elected and the Republicans don't gut the
program.

The adventure chicken: "CROSS the road WITH the LIGHTS." "I can't do
that."

The COBOL chicken:

0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.
IF NO-MORE-VEHICLES THEN
PERFORM 0010-CROSS-THE-ROAD
VARYING STEPS FROM 1 BY 1 UNTIL ON-THE-OTHER-SIDE
ELSE GO TO 0001-CHICKEN-CROSSING.

The Turbo Vision chicken:

Begin
AChicken := New(PAnimal, Init(atChicken, No Eggs);
If AChicken <> nil then
Begin
AChicken^.Travel(tfAcrossTheRoad);
Dispose(AChicken, Done);
End;
End;

Allen Garvin

unread,
Jul 1, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/1/98
to

Here's one I got a few years ago from a Star Trek list:

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
Star Trek Version

Chakotay: Whatever its reason, whatever its goals, we should respect
its right to cross the road and seek its own spiritual awareness.

Neelix: Actually, Captain, I'm not really familiar with the chickens
in this system. But, if you can catch it, I can cook it.

Riker: I don't know why, but I know how: with pleasure, sir.

Worf: KLINGON chickens do NOT cross roads.

HoloDoc: How should I know? No one tells me anything around here. I
didn't even know we added chickens to the crew. All I know is that it
would have been nice, BEFORE the chicken went off to the cross the
road, if it had remembered to turn me off!

Dr. Crusher: If there's nothing wrong with the chicken, there must be
something wrong with the universe.

Dr. Soran: His heart just wasn't in it. (Scenes of chicken torture
with nanoprobes have been edited out.)

Scotty: Because she couldna take much morrrrrre.

Odo: I don't know, but I'm sure it must be Quark's fault.

Quark: Who, me?

Charlie X: Because it didn't want to STAY...STAY...STAY...

Kirk: You chicken bastard, you killed my son...YOU chicken BASTARD,
you killed...my SON...you CHICKEN bastard....you killed my...son!

Troi: I feel the chicken's pain!

Kira: It was probably being chased by those cursed Cardassians.

Bones: Darnit, Jim! I'm a doctor, not an ornithologist!

Data: The chicken, in observing that it was on the opposite side of
the 20th century Terran paved roadway, was aware that its immediate
goal should have been to traverse the distance without interception by
an kind of combustion-propelled personal transport vehicle, but I am
unclear as to why any kind of domesticated fowl should desire to
perambulate upon a conveyance normally reserved for the usage of......
yes, sir.

Dr. Bashir: It probably heard about my amazing medical skill, not to
mention my sexual prowess and came to get some pointers.

The Borg: Crossing the road is futile. The chicken will be
assimilated.

Hugh the Borg: Maybe it just needed a big hug!

B'Elanna: I'm sure it felt suffocated by all the bleeping regulations
of bleeping Starfleet and just couldn't stand it any longer!

Picard: There are four lights!

Q: Wouldn't you like to know? Too bad your puny human brain wouldn't
be able to comprehend the answer.

Uhura: Shall I open hailing frequencies so you can ask it, sir?

Tasha: That depends...was it fully functional?

Chekov: Chicken intercept course entered, Keptan...

Khan: With my last breath I spit at the chicken...

Harry: I don't know, it's my first mission.

Paris: Well, I think that...say, that's a lovely shirt you're wearing.

Harvey Mudd: Chicken? I don't remember any chicken. No no no, there's
been a terrible misunderstanding.

Janeway: Its primary goal was no doubt to get back to the Alpha
Quadrant...and it probably misses its dog.

Nurse Chapel: Oh, Spock!

Lwaxana: Oh, Jean-Luc!

Spock: Fascinating, Captain.

V'Ger: To join with the Creator.

The Grand Nagus: Stupid chicken! You don't cross the road all at once!
You sneak across it quietly, without anyone noticing!

Gul Dukat: Well, that's a very interesting question...I'm sure we can
work out some kind of arrangement to obtain that information that will
be to everyone's satisfaction.

Kes: It was remembering back to the times when its ancestors crossed
roads all the time! They lost those abilities because they stopped
using them!

O'Brien: No problem, Commander, I'll get right on it.

Wesley: I'm not sure, but I can figure it out if I reroute these
systems and reconfigure the warp field and run a complete internal
whootchacallit on the computers and...

Sisko: It was seeking deeper meaning. Jake, do you see what we've
learned from all this?

Jake: Check out the babe that just came off that transport!

Geordi: Well, wherever it's going, I'm sure it'll have more luck with
women than I do.

Sulu: Don't call me Tiny!

Sarek: Sometimes logic fails me where chickens are concerned.

Mr. Homn:

Dax: To get to the other side. Kurzon might have disagreed with me,
Tobin I'm sure wouldn't have had a clue, and then there's...

Tuvok: That's not a question we'd prefer to hear from a senior
officer. It makes the junior officers nervous.

Gene Roddenberry: To boldly go where no chicken had gone before.

--
Allen Garvin kisses are a better fate
--------------------------------------------- than wisdom
eare...@faeryland.tamu-commerce.edu
http://faeryland.tamu-commerce.edu/~earendil e e cummings

okbl...@usa.net

unread,
Jul 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/2/98
to

In article <359AA4...@raleigh.ibm.com>,

Frank Filz <ff...@raleigh.ibm.com> wrote:
>
> And here's some from Visual Developer June/July 1996 in the Breakpoint
> column titled Chicken Joke Compiler:
>
>
> The Turbo Vision chicken:
>
> Begin
> AChicken := New(PAnimal, Init(atChicken, No Eggs);
> If AChicken <> nil then
> Begin
> AChicken^.Travel(tfAcrossTheRoad);
> Dispose(AChicken, Done);
> End;
> End;
>

A reference to Turbo Vision as late as 1996. Color me stunned.

[ok]

-----== Posted via Deja News, The Leader in Internet Discussion ==-----
http://www.dejanews.com/rg_mkgrp.xp Create Your Own Free Member Forum

Doeadeer3

unread,
Jul 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/2/98
to

>From: jfra...@dungeon.engr.sgi.com (John Francis)
>Date: Wed, Jul 1, 1998 14:56 EDT

[all good stuff snipped]

LOL.

That's priceless. I am saving that one on my hard disk in the same directory as
the chicken comp games.

It reminds me so much of the games it's weird... (insert strange music here)

:-)

Doe doea...@aol.com (formerly known as FemaleDeer)
****************************************************************************
"In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane." Mark Twain

Jonadab

unread,
Jul 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/2/98
to

Frank Filz wrote

> And here's some from Visual Developer June/July 1996 in the Breakpoint
> column titled Chicken Joke Compiler:
>

[Some very fantastic stuff]

The newbie's BASIC chicken:
100 On error goto 10000 ' Cross the road
110 ' Set up road:
120 Restore 160
130 Dim Road(16000)
140 i = i + 1: Read Road(i)
150 goto 140
160 Data "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt"
170 Data "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt", "grayasphalt"
...

The expert's BASIC chicken:
100 Dim Road# (8000)
110 Def seg
120 Bload Road#, "asphalt.dat"
130 ' Cross the road
...

The Linux Chicken:

find / -i * | grep - "other side" | sort | chicken | less

(or something like that -- I'm a little rusty.)

Anyone want to attempt the Perl Chicken?
I bet it's only one line of code.

The Inform Chicken:

Object chicken "chicken"
with name "chicken",
life [; "~bawk~"; ],
each_turn [;
if (self hasnt general)
{ give self general;
if ((self in location)||(self in real_location))
print "The chicken leaves.";
move self to otherside;
Achieved(1);
if (player in otherside)
"The chicken arrives";
}
],
has animate;

----------------
One of the many uses for peanut butter:
117. Two words: Mud baths!

(Need more uses? see http://members.kconline.com/kerr/pb.htm)

Send replies to username@isp, where username is jonadab
and isp is bright.net

The zerospam.com address works, but you get an ugly confirmation.

Visit Jonadab's Domain: http://www.bright.net/~jonadab/

Den of Iniquity

unread,
Jul 2, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/2/98
to

On 1 Jul 1998, John Francis wrote:

>> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

GRAHAM You don't need to refer to that in the course of the game.

ZARF Yes, it's deliberate.

Anybody else?

--
DEN

Didn't Mars market a 'chocolate chicken bar' in the early 80's?
(or maybe No! No! Nooooo! You can't start a story with a chicken! Noooo!)


Matt Kimball

unread,
Jul 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/3/98
to

Den of Iniquity <dms...@york.ac.uk> wrote:

: On 1 Jul 1998, John Francis wrote:

:>> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

: GRAHAM You don't need to refer to that in the course of the game.

: ZARF Yes, it's deliberate.

Adam Cadre The next version has six more euphemisms for the chicken
crossing the road.

Joe Mason To go home and kill himself.

C.E. Forman Because I didn't get any feedback on PTF.

Ian Finley He forgot God in his pursuit of science and crossed the
forbidden road.

Michael Gentry This unspeakable act can never be understood. The chicken
is now in Danvers Asylum.

Rybread Celsius The chiken pulls its mask off. It's really yore friend!

Miron Schmidt You are now on the other side of the road.
>

--
Matt Kimball ("I really wish we had a 32-bit chicken")
mkim...@xmission.com

Joe Mason

unread,
Jul 3, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/3/98
to

Matt Kimball wrote:
>
> :>> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
>
> : GRAHAM You don't need to refer to that in the course of the game.
>
> : ZARF Yes, it's deliberate.
>
> Adam Cadre The next version has six more euphemisms for the chicken
> crossing the road.
>
> Joe Mason To go home and kill himself.
>
> C.E. Forman Because I didn't get any feedback on PTF.
>
> Ian Finley He forgot God in his pursuit of science and crossed the
> forbidden road.
>
> Michael Gentry This unspeakable act can never be understood. The chicken
> is now in Danvers Asylum.
>
> Rybread Celsius The chiken pulls its mask off. It's really yore friend!
>
> Miron Schmidt You are now on the other side of the road.
> >

Matt Barringer: You cross the road. It is full of gangsters. They
shoot you.

Daniel Ravapinto: When the chicken crossed the road, it made a choice.

David Dyte: To get to the Rubber Chickens' Picnic.

Brent VanFossen: From the north, an eerie crowing rises above the wind
and the rattling of the leaves in the surrounding trees. The large
rooster in front of you lifts his head, as if to listen, but does not
move.

Whizzard: It'll cross the road soon! I swear!

Kent Tessman: Won't somebody PLEASE port the chicken to the Mac?

Rumil: The chicken can try to cross the road in many different
directions and come back if it doesn't like what it finds.

Ivan Cockrum: As you behold the majestic sight of the chicken floating
gracefully across the road, a sense of wonder settles in your heart.
You decide that you hate your job.

Brian Moriarty: All chickens lead to Kensington Gardens.

Harry M. Hardjono: It crosses flip-flop.

Joe

Jonadab the Unsightly One

unread,
Jul 4, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/4/98
to

> Matt Kimball wrote:
> >
> > :>> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

[some left out -- see original post]

> > : ZARF Yes, it's deliberate.

And yes, Glk fixes this.

Joe Mason Wrote:
> Matt Barringer: You cross the road. It is full of gangsters. They
> shoot you.

That's funny.

> Brent VanFossen: From the north, an eerie crowing rises above the wind
> and the rattling of the leaves in the surrounding trees. The large
> rooster in front of you lifts his head, as if to listen, but does not
> move.

Gary Larson:
They were beautiful, these "Chickens in the Mist".

Yr. Obd't Servant,


----------------
Opinions are such a *subjective* matter!



One of the many uses for peanut butter:

401. Shoe shine.

Brent VanFossen

unread,
Jul 4, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/4/98
to

On Fri, 03 Jul 1998 20:52:04 -0400, Joe Mason <jcm...@execulink.com>
wrote:

>Brent VanFossen: From the north, an eerie crowing rises above the wind
>and the rattling of the leaves in the surrounding trees. The large
>rooster in front of you lifts his head, as if to listen, but does not
>move.


Joe Mason: The asphalt underfoot is slick with water, reflecting the
unbroken black clouds above. The road is deserted at this time of
night, but you can dimly hear the clucking from the opposite side,
beyond a high chain-link fence. There, a chicken paces, wet from the
incessant rain, unable to surmount the barrier which prevents its
crossing.


Joe Mason, you have made my day. I'm back online again after a long
absence. And you thought I wasn't listening <G>.

Brent VanFossen

IF

unread,
Jul 6, 1998, 3:00:00 AM7/6/98
to


Joe Mason wrote:

> Matt Kimball wrote:
> >
> > :>> Answers to the question: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
> >

> > : GRAHAM You don't need to refer to that in the course of the game.
> >

> > : ZARF Yes, it's deliberate.
> >

> > Adam Cadre The next version has six more euphemisms for the chicken
> > crossing the road.
> >
> > Joe Mason To go home and kill himself.
> >
> > C.E. Forman Because I didn't get any feedback on PTF.
> >
> > Ian Finley He forgot God in his pursuit of science and crossed the
> > forbidden road.
> >
> > Michael Gentry This unspeakable act can never be understood. The chicken
> > is now in Danvers Asylum.
> >
> > Rybread Celsius The chiken pulls its mask off. It's really yore friend!
> >
> > Miron Schmidt You are now on the other side of the road.
> > >
>

> Matt Barringer: You cross the road. It is full of gangsters. They
> shoot you.
>

> Daniel Ravapinto: When the chicken crossed the road, it made a choice.
>
> David Dyte: To get to the Rubber Chickens' Picnic.
>

> Brent VanFossen: From the north, an eerie crowing rises above the wind
> and the rattling of the leaves in the surrounding trees. The large
> rooster in front of you lifts his head, as if to listen, but does not
> move.
>

> Whizzard: It'll cross the road soon! I swear!
>
> Kent Tessman: Won't somebody PLEASE port the chicken to the Mac?
>
> Rumil: The chicken can try to cross the road in many different
> directions and come back if it doesn't like what it finds.
>
> Ivan Cockrum: As you behold the majestic sight of the chicken floating
> gracefully across the road, a sense of wonder settles in your heart.
> You decide that you hate your job.
>
> Brian Moriarty: All chickens lead to Kensington Gardens.
>
> Harry M. Hardjono: It crosses flip-flop.
>
> Joe


Matt and Joe: Thank you, this is the funniest thing I have read all year. The
people in the apartment next door just knocked on my door to see what I was
cackling about ;)

Ian Finley


Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages