MAKE.IF.FAST

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Matthew Amster-Burton

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Sep 19, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/19/96
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Greetings! My name is Dave Choads. Two years ago, I was just like
you, struggling to finish my first paltry text game. Then I found
it--the key to IF riches! It's perfectly legal, and I HATE GET RICH
QUICK SCHEMES!

You may have heard of a few of the games I've released in the last
year. Does Jigsaw ring a bell? How about The Legend Lives? Lost IN
New York? Avalon? Sure, I used my favorite nomes de plume, but it
was just me, Dave Choads, all along. I have written over fifty games
in the last year and will break a hundred within four or five months.
This IF-writing program works perfectly, 100% of the time. I have
never failed to write high-quality games whenever I wanted.

In October 1994, I received email telling me how I could write
countless text games without expending any effort. I hit the 'D' key
and went on slogging through my TADS source. Later that night I was
overcome by an insatiable desire to download Matt Barringer's
"Detective" and play it again and again. The next day I received the
letter again, and again ignored its truths. After breaking the chain
a second time, I was racked by nightmares of being devoured by
slavering grues. Come to think of it, though, that was happening
before I broke the chain. Must've been all that Risotto alla
Amster-Burton I was eating before bed.

How did I do it? How did I become the world-famous IF author you may
know as "Dave Baggett," "Graham Nelson," or "Neil deMause"? Simple.
Follow the easy instructions below, and you too will be churning out
games like nobody's business. I even got my revenge on Matt
Barringer. Remember MST3K1?

FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS EXACTLY, AND IN 2-3 HOURS YOU WILL HAVE
WRITTEN AT LEAST SEVEN WORKS OF IF:

Make up two objects that might be found in a text game. This includes
people, places, or things. Include descriptions. For example, some
of the suggestions I received were:

* Century Park
* JC
* Refribulating gigometer
* Liquid pork

Send them to the two people at the top of the list of addresses below.
Add your name to the bottom of the list. Email travels fast, so
expect to receive hundreds of suggestions within minutes. Enough to
create four or five whole games!

1. Ordinal Foolbox
card...@sillygame.com

2. David M. Boggart
da...@yoo.akmi.edu

3. Ham Nelson
bl...@androgyny.org

4. Andrew C. Slotcar
za...@gua.com

5. Neil the Mouse
lo...@ci.ny.us

6. Kevin "Whizzer" Wilson
way...@deadline.com

7. Matthew Hamster-Hurtin
ham...@should.bworking.edu

Don't hesitate! Mail today! Remember--Matt Barringer broke the
chain.

Yours truley,
Dave Choads

C.K. Smith

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Sep 19, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/19/96
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Matthew Amster-Burton (mam...@u.washington.edu) wrote:
: Greetings! My name is Dave Choads. Two years ago, I was just like

: you, struggling to finish my first paltry text game. Then I found
: it--the key to IF riches! It's perfectly legal, and I HATE GET RICH
: QUICK SCHEMES!

<SNIP>

Heheh.. Very nice. Unfortunately, you didn't crosspost it to enough
newsgroups.

By the way, nice work on those games. I really liked Jigsaw <g>.

--
Cameron Smith
Chair, McMaster IEEE Student Branch
Computer Engineering & Mgmt. IV
McMaster University, Hamilton, ON, CANADA

Cardinal Teulbachs

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Sep 21, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/21/96
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Dear Dave,

I tried it and it works! My whole collection of unfinished games are
now complete, sparkling works of art ready for the marketplace! I
can't thank you enough for pointing me in the right direction, sir. In
fact, I think I'm going to name my next two kids after you. Dave,
you're the greatest!


Yours sincerely,

Aphid Farmer
Hockinpaw, Tennessee

P.S. I will be releasing all of my games somewhere around the 8th or
10th of October. Look for them in a gmd /competition directory near
you!!

--Cardinal T

I mean, what the hell kind of villain thwarts the hero's
progress with soup cans in the kitchen pantry?
--Russ Bryan

Cardinal, I follow up your post in the hopes that some
day I too will be quoted in your sig.
--Matthew Amster-Burton

Hey! This isn't what I said! What'd you do with my
quote?
--Bonni Mierzejewska


Laurel Halbany

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Sep 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/25/96
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mam...@u.washington.edu (Matthew Amster-Burton) wrote:

>You may have heard of a few of the games I've released in the last
>year. Does Jigsaw ring a bell? How about The Legend Lives? Lost IN
>New York? Avalon? Sure, I used my favorite nomes de plume, but it
>was just me, Dave Choads, all along. I have written over fifty games
>in the last year and will break a hundred within four or five months.

Can I have your baby?

--Laurel, determined that such a genius deserves an I-F groupie

----------------------------------------------------------
Laurel Halbany
myt...@agora.rdrop.com
http://www.rdrop.com/users/mythago/


Matthew Amster-Burton

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Sep 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/25/96
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myt...@agora.rdrop.com (Laurel Halbany) wrote:

>Can I have your baby?

>--Laurel, determined that such a genius deserves an I-F groupie

<Blush>. Sure, but you'll have to read my other important bulletin,
MAKE.BABY.FAST.

Love,
Dave Choads

Arthur Chance

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Sep 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/25/96
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In article <52bgrc$q...@nntp5.u.washington.edu>
mam...@u.washington.edu (Matthew Amster-Burton) writes:

> myt...@agora.rdrop.com (Laurel Halbany) wrote:
> >Can I have your baby?
> >--Laurel, determined that such a genius deserves an I-F groupie

:-)

> <Blush>. Sure, but you'll have to read my other important bulletin,
> MAKE.BABY.FAST.
>
> Love,
> Dave Choads

Don't tell us - this is the chain letter where the list is of 9 women
and it guarantees one baby after a month, nine after the second month,
etc, provided nobody breaks the rules.

I think you need to work on MAKE.DIAPERS.FAST next.

--
Why can't you get cheese flavoured cough mixture?

Adam J. Thornton

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Sep 25, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/25/96
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In article <52afrh$g...@hermes.rdrop.com>,
Laurel Halbany <myt...@agora.rdrop.com> wrote:

>mam...@u.washington.edu (Matthew Amster-Burton) wrote:
>>was just me, Dave Choads, all along. I have written over fifty games
>Can I have your baby?
>--Laurel, determined that such a genius deserves an I-F groupie

Only after you send him a postcard c/o Craig Shergold. Or Jemima Meldrew.

Which reminds me: we've been discussing the androgyny of the characters in
Jigsaw; however, no one has commented that the (androgynous) protagonist of
_Curses_ just *has* to be black. Or at least its father was, which may or
may not amount to the same thing depending on where and in what decade you
live.

Here's my proof, which you should regard with just as much seriousness as
the proofs that Black and White are a definite gender determined by
_Jigsaw_:

Namely, Jemima Meldrew is, of course, your _AUNT_ Jemima, and there's only
_ONE_ Aunt Jemima; we all know from the label on the syrup bottle exactly
what she looks like. And since she's your maiden aunt, she's your father's
sister. QED.

Now, if Aunt Jemima is part of one of the Old Families of England, then
this necessarily lends credence to Lyndon LaRouche's theories that the
Queen Mum controls the world heroin trade. The proof is left as an
exercise to the reader.

Adam, looking for his own groupie or at least a citation in the Cardinal's
Signature
--
ad...@phoenix.princeton.edu | Viva HEGGA! | Save the choad! | 64,928 | Fnord
"Double integral is also the shape of lovers curled asleep":Pynchon | Linux
Thanks for letting me rearrange the chemicals in your head. | Team OS/2
You can have my PGP passphrase when you pry it from my cold, dead brain.

Werner Punz

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Sep 29, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/29/96
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mam...@u.washington.edu (Matthew Amster-Burton) wrote:
><Blush>. Sure, but you'll have to read my other important bulletin,
>MAKE.BABY.FAST.
>Love,
>Dave Choads


Sounds promising. Now I only have to find a woman to start with.

Werner


we...@inflab.uni-linz.ac.at
http://witiko.ifs.uni-linz.ac.at/~werpu

----------------------------------------------
Check out ftp://ftp.gmd.de/if-archive for something
which has been forgotten years ago.


Roger Giner-Sorolla

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Sep 30, 1996, 3:00:00 AM9/30/96
to

On 25 Sep 1996, Adam J. Thornton wrote:

>
> Which reminds me: we've been discussing the androgyny of the characters in
> Jigsaw; however, no one has commented that the (androgynous) protagonist of
> _Curses_ just *has* to be black. Or at least its father was, which may or
> may not amount to the same thing depending on where and in what decade you
> live.
>
> Here's my proof, which you should regard with just as much seriousness as
> the proofs that Black and White are a definite gender determined by
> _Jigsaw_:
>
> Namely, Jemima Meldrew is, of course, your _AUNT_ Jemima, and there's only
> _ONE_ Aunt Jemima; we all know from the label on the syrup bottle exactly
> what she looks like. And since she's your maiden aunt, she's your father's
> sister. QED.
>

Au contraire, we know that the protagonist's skin is ruddy, and eyes are
blue. ( 1 Last Lousy Point for those who can figure out how we know. )

Maybe Jemima is adopted?

Roger Giner-Sorolla University of Virginia, Charlottesville, VA
rs...@virginia.edu Dept. of Psychology (Social)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For I was alive without the law once: but when the commandment came, sin
revived, and I died. -- Romans 7:9


dan dalton

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Oct 2, 1996, 3:00:00 AM10/2/96
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Roger Giner-Sorolla <gi...@xp.psych.nyu.edu> wrote in article <Pine.SUN.3.91.96093...@xp.psych.nyu.edu>...

rs...@virginia.edu           Dept. of Psychology (Social)

or maybe he just chose a name that was humerous (pop references usually are) I don't think when
someone makes a game they usually consider things like that unless they feel it should be noted.
since its text only its better to let the player mold himself into the role and percieve what he feels is right.
however the only thing usually thought out by the programmer that remotely runs along those lines
is whether the hero in male or female. but there are those games out there that do not project a male
or female point of view.
I'd better quit before I get myself into trouble.

--
<rim...@shadetree.com>
Thou art a naughty monkey



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