The IF-Chive (&) Volume 1, Edition 5

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J. D. Berry

Oct 12, 2001, 10:22:16 AM10/12/01
Interactive Fiction website averaging 100,000 hits per day

The Interactive Fiction and Jennifer Lopez Hot Pix website has caught
fire. Until as recently as last week, the site had been struggling to
receive three hits per day. But a series of hard-hitting Comp reviews,
several provocative interviews with prominent members of the IF
community, a few nude pictures and one cosmetic name change later, and
the website was blitzed by IF fans from around the world.

The website's chatline picked up correspondingly. Games were, in
observance of spoiler etiquette, alluded to like they never had been
before. One couldn't go five lines without seeing phrases like
"Dangerous Curves", "In The End", and "The Big Mama".

A slight disparity in the downloads has been noted by the administrator.
He attributes this to an protocol issue and estimates a fix by the
time this goes to press. Soon enough "So Far" and "J-Lo not quite under
a red blanket" will be vying for stat-of-the-month honors.

One must conclude that interactive fiction has gone mainstream. This
is certainly well-deserved and long-overdue recognition. Bravo.

Players decry 16K memory expansion pack requirement for Vic-20 Comp game

Graphics, arcade sequences to be added to text adventures

Nothing compares to the human imagination, except for maybe really cool
pictures and addicting arcade action. Look for future games to include
these elements and more.

1st-person--past tense--Muse shooter fails in test market.

"Oh, but the flamethrower was heavy."

"I practically knew all of the weapon specs by heart."

"Stop. At that moment there were too many monsters in the cargo bay to
have considered a rescue of Konstanza."

None shall open me
(by A Thick Steel Door)

I am a thick steel door. I bar any who would read the paradise of
text that is behind me. You shall not taste of new areas or advance
the plot. You cannot open me. You cannot break me. I am a thick
steel door.

Do not search for keys in your frustratingly limited quantity of
locations. You will not find any. Please note my complete lack of
knobs, latches, locks, runes, notches or anything remotely
associated with opening. I am a thick steel door.

Because of your own incompetence, do not think that there is nothing
behind me. Believe me, there is. I am looking at a glorious
wealth of new (for you) areas as I speak. I am conversing with
marvelous creatures and playing with gadgets so beyond your
comprehension, I might just open out of pure joy. But of course I
will not. I am a thick steel door.

Continue to push, pull and move me as you like. You may, although
it will be futile, try to burn me. Maybe something crazy like kicking
might open me. Alas, that too will not. I am a thick steel door.

There are no verbs to guess. I am just plain unopenable. Try no more
and save yourself the pain. Did I mention I am a thick steel door?
There is almost no need, I realize.

Others smarter than yourself have tried to xyzzy their way by me.
Perhaps at least the hollow voice amused you. Yes, of course, the
"dig" command. That is original. But as you will see, you have no
suitable digging implements nor is the ground around me diggable. No,
you cannot use the shovel. You would think you could, but you cannot.
Swear at me in utter frustration... right, the thick steel door thing
again. Even ghosts do not pass.

No, you are using the oaken wand correctly. My magic resistance
exceeds that of the gods. As an aside, a carved name in a twig
does not necessarily a wand make. Likewise, you seem to have mistaken
a random discoloration of lime deposits as a mystical gray circle
capable of teleportation. I am a thick steel door, hear me roar.
(My mistake, you do not have the inanimate listening device located in
one of the many incredible locations behind me.)

Perhaps by walking backwards you might travel through me, Douglas
Adams style. No, I jest. At times I am more than just an impenetrable
barrier, I am also a wag. I am three-dimensional in many senses of the

No, you read everything in the room description correctly. Further
'l's will do you no good. Yes, that would be best. Turn off the
computer for now. I am... well, you know the rest.

Even after next time, I am...
A thick steel door

Why, shareware isn't SHARING at all

Diplomat uses WinFrotz interpreter, mistakenly cedes four territories

A new intern, a time crunch and an erroneous download later, Canada
is 450,000 square kilometers smaller.

Game #48 dissed

(Brooklyn, NY)
A judge simply didn't even try, sources say, after she got stuck in
the first room of game #48 on her playlist. There were also reports
of disrespect, or "dissing." This is a most serious charge of which
the penalties are severely none.
"I don't know this author. And what the hell is this? I'm
not in the mood for this kind of confusion. What? The steps in this
walkthrough look ridiculous. Screw this," she allegedly said. Eyes
were allegedly rolled, and discontented sighs were allegedly breathed.
After a 1 was assigned in scarlet to highlight her contempt and the
game in question was promptly removed from her computer's hard drive,
the dissing was complete. Or, if the dissing was not complete at
that point, it surely was after an unfavorable comparison to "Detective".
The assistant district attorney considered charging her with gross
unfairness and voluntary dissing. He contended she gave a game of likely
worse quality a 3, but because that game was played fifth it was granted
leniency. Regarding the dissing, well, "there's just no call for that."
The D.A. subsequently dropped the consideration, citing Bayesian
norms, IMDB standard deviations and the frivolity of the whole thing in
the first place. "Let's call it a wash," he said.


Michael Sousa

Oct 12, 2001, 8:47:35 PM10/12/01
Funny stuff. The "Thick Steel Door" piece is classic!

Keep em' coming...

-- Mike

JT Thomas

Oct 13, 2001, 1:13:11 PM10/13/01
Brilliant, just brilliant.

Tzvetan Mikov

Oct 13, 2001, 6:13:55 PM10/13/01
This is so funny, I even gathered the courage to un-lurk for one post! :-)


Alan Trewartha

Oct 13, 2001, 7:28:41 PM10/13/01
Area man takes all, heads north

Last move undone

Wumpus admits "I was Grue all along"

Joe Mason

Oct 14, 2001, 3:49:06 AM10/14/01
In article <>,
Anson Turner <> wrote:
>(The next one was apparently in response to some now-ancient Usenet post.)
>"We were all starting to wonder about him," explains Dr. Josephine

Err... Hey!

I have two contradictory reponses to this, and I can't decide which one to use.

1: Hey, I have nothing to prove here. I'm confident in my sexuality.

2: See


(Sorry if this appears twice. Bah - that is *not* the time to fumble. Unless
I choose #1, in which case I don't actually care.)


Joe Mason

Oct 14, 2001, 3:51:08 AM10/14/01
In article <9qbg1i$7od$>,

Joe Mason <> wrote:
>(Sorry if this appears twice. Bah - that is *not* the time to fumble. Unless
>I choose #1, in which case I don't actually care.)

Yes, that would be a fumble. <sigh>


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