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MEGAZONE 23
"Claustrophobic? Hey, do you want a punch in the face
or something? I've never even LOOKED at another guy!"
--Casey Jones
THURSDAY 3 OCTOBER 1991
It was a normal Thursday morning in the Wedge save for a
couple of factors: one, it was Career Day, so there were no
classes, and two, there could be no such thing as a normal
morning anymore. Hanging around the Wedge that fine morning
(technically midday, since it was eleven-thirty) were pfloyd,
Crocker, Jay Phelps, and Erik Swimm. Crocker was explaining
with violent hand motions and lots of shouting what pfloyd
had missed, being an off-campus student and all, while the
latter sat taking everything in with a slack jaw.
"I don't befuckinglieve it," he mumbled as Crocker
finished up his tale of amazingness and woe.
"And to make things even better," said Rob, "he hasn't
come down yet!"
"That's not unusual," pfloyd replied, checking his
watch. "It's only eleven-thirty--he doesn't get up until at
least noon."
SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud.
<<Sweet Emotion, Aerosmith>>
Ben wandered into the Wedge, wearing the same clothes he
had on the day before and thoroughly wrinkled. He looked
annoyingly pleased with himself.
"Hey," said Phelps, and the Wedge Rats saw Ben visibly
wince. He knew something tasteless was coming. He held up
his hand for a warning--
SKWEEEEEKrrkkkweequeRUNK--wheeet!whio thud.
"How was she?"
ZARK.
"Fully clothed," said Kei with a cruel grin as she
stepped around the corner, returning her smoking laser to its
holster.
Phelps slumped to the Wedge floor, his idiot grin
permanently fixed to his face. Moments later, a man in a
chef's hat ran from the mailboxes, grabbed him, and dragged
him away.
"Hey!" said Crocker. "That can't be--DAKA is
destroyed!"
"Wait a minute, Rob," said pfloyd, rising to his feet.
"You've forgotten something."
"What?"
"Founders."
"Right, men! We've a job to do. A duty to perform!"
Crocker dug into his duffel bag and hefted his M-16A1 magic
wand. "On to honor! On to glory! On to Founders DAKA!"
And the Wedge Commandos retrieved their weapons from beneath
the Wedge bench and trooped out.
"Weird," said Ben, slumping into a booth. "Whattaweek."
At about that time, with a tremendous crash of glass and
metal and a shout of consternation, a bunch of big guys in
windbreakers hurled ReRob through the airlock.
"," said he, picking himself up, he was speechless.
The four guys shouted in unison "This is your last
warning!", turned, and marched away. The backs of their
jackets said "KSNP".
"Uh, ReRob--who was that?" inquired Ben.
"Uh, like have some intense hatred?" spewed Q.
"The Knights of the STRAIGHT and Narrow Path," replied
ReRob, dusting himself gently off with his hat. "I just
don't get it. Four guys run up to me, gang-tackle me, and
call me queer! With MY P-score! Talk about bad karma!"
Macquivr looked up and said, "Some people, you know,
they just will not do."
"Awww," said Ben.
"Sucks to be you," Kei added.
"Where did you learn that?"
She angled a thumb at Ben.
"Oh." ReRob contemplated his hat for a moment. "Things
that make you go...hmmm..."
"Oh, shut up," said Ben, sinking further into his coat.
"What?" ReRob protested. "I was just talking..."
"ReRob," said Ben tiredly, getting to his feet, "as I am
about to explain for the FOUR THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED
THIRTEENTH TIME this morning midday afternoon..." Ben took
him by the shoulder and led him out onto the Quad, where he
then threw his arms wide and bellowed,
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The Wedge windows rattled.
"That's what Yar said, too," said ReRob unflappedly.
Ben took a deep breath and walked back into the Wedge.
ReRob shrugged and followed him.
Moments later the Wedge Commandos returned, grimy,
sweaty, food-smeared, breathless, their ammo depleted,
wounded, grinning, and triumphant. The muzzle was blown
completely off Crocker's magic M-16, but he seemed quite
happy nonetheless.
"DAKA is dead! DAKA is dead!" they chanted as they
paraded into the Wedge, bearing on their shoulders the heroes
of the hour: Zoner and Yuri.
Ben buried his face in his hands and slid to the Wedge
floor.
"Gravity works," ReRob reminded him.
"I know," he replied.
Meanwhile, the Wedge Commandos deposited their heroes in
the Wedge and were marching out into the Quad, alternating
"DAKA is dead!" with "Zo-ner!" and "Yu-ri!"
Ben turned to ReRob, grabbed him by the shirt, and said
in an anguished tone, "What have I done?!"
"Grabbed my shirt. The last guys to do that were the
Coylian Armada. I suggest you refrain from such actions in
the future."
"So, ah, Zoner...how did your evening go?"
MegaZone smirked a silly little smirk, whistled a little
tune, and said nothing.
A bead of sweat rolled down Ben's nose, poised on the
tip, and fell off. His hands were shaking, his eyes squeezed
shut. Zoner's little silly grin drove him absolutely insane,
especially under circumstances like these.
It was just about then that John Coyle himself entered
the Wedge. Unlike the last several times he had entered this
particular area, he was not afraid, perhaps because there
were very few Wedge Rats in attendance. Only Ben and Q, who
were technically members of Meta Chi, not Rho Alpha Tau, were
there, ReRob, MegaZone, and, of course, Kei and Yuri. They
were all slouched into one Wedge booth, with Kei and Yuri at
the back, directly behind the table, Zoner and Ben in the
corresponding corners, and Macquivr and ReRob on the sides.
Coyle walked over to the Wedge booth, stood in front
of it for a moment, and contemplated the Pair. For a moment
it appeared he was going to just turn around and walk away;
after all, he was receiving extremely strong "FUCK OFF AND GO
AWAY" vibes from the Wedge Rats in the booth. But he
weathered the onslaught long enough to shake his head and
say sadly,
"I see you've recruited another matched set."
Ben could feel Kei stiffen beside him, even though he
wasn't in actual physical contact; the sight of the muscles
in her jaw jumping may have been a good clue. Yuri remained
somewhat calm, but Coyle felt new additions to the hate
barrage from that quarter as well.
Zoner, having some experience in dealing with Johnny,
just shook his head, knowing what was coming next. And the
likely result.
"And just what," Yuri said slowly, carefully, "was that
supposed to mean?"
"Well, it's obvious from the way you're dressed and
sitting there--the Wedge Rats have absorbed another matched
set of lesbians....when will you people learn--"
Ben and Zoner ducked to the sides, going over the side
panels into the Wedge and the next booth over respectively.
They both knew full well what happened next.
"HrrARRRRGHH!!"
In perfect unison, Kei and Yuri jumped up onto the Wedge
bench itself; then they launched themselves, still absolutely
synchronized, up into the air. Ben could almost hear the
"tching". They hung in the air for perhaps half a second--a
neat trick if you can do it--before unloading twin flying
side kicks into Coyle's face.
With a wooden-sounding THRUD, Coyle fell flat on his
back to the Wedge floor.
Q snapped his fingers and announced, "Cold boot."
The Pair got down from the table and walked around to
either side of him, standing on either side of his head,
tapping their toes, arms folded.
"So I was wrong," Coyle whispered, still barely
conscious. "You're not a matched set. You're both bull
dykes."
Kei and Yuri's boots slammed into either of his temples
at exactly the same time. With nowhere to go, his head was
caught in the middle. Consciousness went pif.
"Reboot," said Q.