LNH: Cry.Sig #2
bar...@wkuvx1.bitnet
NOTE: The following subject matter is in direct contradiction to some
material already posted. I say, big deal! Consider it like "Other-
worlds" or "What If...?" if you don't like it. And remember - canon
is what you want it to be!
CHAPTER TWO:
Continuity Champion was faced with a choice: he could leave behind
his teammates to face certain doom (well, at least as certain as it
gets in comics) and face Crossover Queen, or he could forget the
impending destruction of the universe and help his allies. Being the
generally practical kind of guy he was, he went after Crossover Queen.
Myk-El suddenly manifested powers and destroyed his evil twin.
"Hmm," he thought, "at last I begin to to show the powers that the
Qwertian race to which I belong usually possess when off-planet."
He turned just as Ellipsis King arrived, firing streams of "..."'s
at the dopplegangers, destroying them all. However, the Ultimate
Ninja, at long last spying his arch-foe, sprang from his place of
concealment, drawing out several Ginsu blades.
* * * *
The Time Crapper, using his Acme Invisibility Belt (tm), stood to
one side, surveying the carnage. So, he thought, the LNH is occupied
for the moment. I shall take advantage of this to blindside the
Crossover Queen and gain control of her secret power source.
And, so, he set off down the hall, following the signs which said,
"To Crossover Queen's Secret Power Source/Warning: Do Not Enter!"
* * * *
The far away team finally figured out why they were called the far
away team when they materialized in alt.fan.dan.quayle. "This is far
away from what we laughingly call reality," Cliche Dude astutely
noted.
Squid Boy queried, "What does that mean?"
"Don't know. Just read it enough times for it to be a cliche."
Rebel Yell surveyed the bleak landscape. Above, he saw vultures
circling. "Lawyers," he muttered.
Sig-File Man asked, "What do we do now, fearless leader? How do
we find these Editors?"
Yell thought for a second. "PK Kid, could your mutant ability to
find parking spots be used to locate the Editors?"
"Sorry, boss, parking spots only."
"Hmmmm. Trivia King, do you have some bit of previously useless
knowledge which might assist us?"
"Nope, my cosmic awareness tend to be kind of limited when it comes
to matters outside r.a.c."
Just then, a pulse of light made the team aware a new figure had
arrived. He stood tall, with a heavily-built frame and several
obvious weapons of destruction at his side and in his hands.
"Who are you?" Bad-Timing Boy asked, drawing the new arrival's
attention to him.
Drawing a neutron pistol, the stranger said, "You can call me Point-
less Death Man!" With that ominous announcement, he disintegrated
BTB. The wretch's poor timing had at last done him in.
The heroes stared in horror and amazement for all of three seconds,
during which time the villain vaporized California Kid, Captain
Cleanup, Catalyst Lass, Cheesecake-Eater Lad, Figment Lad, and
Frothing-At-The-Mouth Lad.
"Run away! Run away!" Cliche Dude suggested, turning tail.
The heroes scattered, but not before Pointless Death Man offed
Inacoustic Kid, Late-Nite Lad, Lurker Lad, and Obscure Trivia Lad.
Behind a pile of Quayle bashing-notes Rebel Yell, Cliche Dude, and
Trivia King crouched.
"This guy just killed more Legionnaires in the last 30 seconds than
we've lost in all our history."
"He's the best at what he does," Cliche Dude pointed out.
Ignoring him, Yell turned to his other companion. "What do we know
about him?"
Trivia King's look was one of pure terror. "He is an elemental
death machine who finds joy only in killing. He appeared in issues of
GI Joe and the Uncanny X-Men, where he wiped out the Hellions."
"We're in trouble."
* * * *
Background Boy had (what else) faded into the Background, when
suddenly GreenRingWraith appeared.
BB quickly acted and jerked the Ring of RetConn from the wraith's
nose. "No!" he screamed. "I'll be dada-ized!"
"Worse than that," the hero noted, "You're about to be
doo-doo-ized." And he used the ring to turn him into a pile of...
well, you know.
* * * *
Pointless Death Man quickly extinguished Organic Lass, Pompous Lad,
Sardonic Boy (everyone cheered; he really had gotten to be a pain),
and then turned on Sig.File Lad.
"No, you can't do this!!!"
"Sure I can," PD Man grinned. "This story isn't canon. And
speaking of cannon..." He drew out a plasma inverter cannon and blew
Sig-File Man away.
Squid Boy was next. PD Man tried to off the Incredible Man With No
Life, but he learned "you cannot kill that which does not live", as
Cliche Dude would say.
Suddenly, Rebel Yell had an idea. Using his patented powers of
vocalization, he yelled, "Oh, no; I hope Pointless Death Man doesn't
learn the most powerful members of our team are on H'Yddee'Uz! If he
knew that, he might try to kill them!"
Pointless Death Man roared. "So, you have a secret! I'll deal with
them, then I'll be back for you!" And he disappeared.
* * * *
STAY TUNED for chapter three of CRY.SIG! The away team vs. PD Man!
Royalty King's plan revealed! Ultimate Ninja vs. Ellipsis King
to the death! The shocking secret of Spelling Boy! The Time
Crapper's secret agenda! All this and much, much more!
-Drizzt