15 Horrifying '80s Cartoons That Would Never Fly Today

[Ubiquitous]

If you grew up in the 1980s you’ll likely have fond, fuzzy memories of
the shakily animated and exuberantly voiced cartoons of the era. Some
were amazingly entertaining, some were amazingly terrible, and many,
from He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe to The Care Bears, featured
things which, looking back, were objectively far too dark and
needlessly disturbing for their young target audience. In fact, the
FCC’s “Children’s Television Act” — enacted in 1990 — was a direct
response to parents’ concerns about cartoon violence (as well as
brainwashing commercialization.) Arguably more harmful, though, were
shows of the time that also contained casually racist or sexist
characters or themes in certain episodes.

This isn’t to say that all of these shows were problematic as a whole
(though some definitely were), but all of the ones on this list
contained at least one or two episodes you’ll be shocked made it to
air. Pacts with demons and stand-ins for the devil were also a
surprisingly common occurrence, likely informed by the “satanic panic”
of the ’80s and early ’90s that was sparked by the association of cases
of child abuse and murder with Satanism. If you based your entire
knowledge of the decade on its animated media, you’d think that kids
were equally in danger of being abducted by a goat blood-drinking cult
as they were of being offered drugs by a guy in a van. Here are some of
the worst things in ’80s cartoons that you couldn’t get away with
today.

15. THE TRANSFORMERS
Transformers Seaspray

The first Transformers series ran from 1984 to ’87 and — along with the
first movie — established the franchise as a juggernaut of kids media.
While beloved, there are a lot of questionable things from it that
prove Michael Bay was far from the first divisive thing to happen to
the brand. In Season Two’s “Sea Change,” Seaspray inexplicably
transforms into robo-Aquaman after falling for a mermaid using a
magical pool.

Nothing disturbing or parent-bothering here — it’s just far too stupid
to make it into any iteration of the franchise today. What definitely
also wouldn’t make the cut now (and shouldn’t have back then) was the
show’s frequent racist stereotyping of Arab villains, one of whom ruled
“The Socialist Democratic Federated Republic of CARBOMBya.” Lebanese
voice actor Casey Kasem actually left the show in protest.

14. THE SMURFS
The Smurfs

In 1989, the hugely popular Smurfs series ended its run of over 250
episodes of charming smurfiness… and one horrifying Christmas special
from its second Season. The episode features an antagonist known as
“The Christmas Stranger” (which already sounds like the name of a
Holiday horror film), who is sold two orphaned, homeless kids by
Gargamel. Child slavery? Why not!

The man then uses the children in a fiery satanic-looking ritual that
he hopes will open a portal to their “final journey.” The devil in
disguise? Sure! Luckily, the Smurfs show up and sing at him until he
disappears, screaming in agony. In retrospect, the show has also been
generally criticized for the anti-Semitic characterization of Gargamel,
while the gendered-stereotyping of its token female character gave name
to a recognized sexist trope: “The Smurfette Principle.”

13. HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE

He-Man is one of the most well-remembered cartoons of the ’80s, but
without revisiting the show in your adult years, the barely concealed
homoeroticism of the world of Eternia probably only reached your
subconscious as a kid. In “Quest For He-Man,” the titular hero ends up
transported to the planet “Trannis” through a rainbow portal where he
confronts its lisping, pink rabbit overlord, Plunder The Spoiler.

If that wasn’t overt enough for you then how about “Fisto’s Forest?” In
this episode, a brutish man with a giant, armoured hand who is
creatively named Fisto (let that one sink in…) is caught harassing
young, Elf boys by shooting white, sticky webbing at them. While this
’80s naivety is objectively hilarious now, it’s hard to imagine it
wouldn’t raise network executives’ eyebrows these days.

12. THUNDERCATS

If you ever watched He-Man and thought, “Hmm, not bad — but needs more
cats,” then Thundercats was the show for you. Unsurprisingly for a
series about feline-humanoid aliens with magic swords and spaceships,
it’s filled with plenty of weird, messed up moments. PSAs from Lion-O
about the dangers of underage drinking were aired alongside episodes
like “The Garden of Delights,” that way overstepped their anti-drug
educational remit.

In the episode, Mumm-Ra disguises himself as a creepy, baby, plant
fairy to get Tygra hooked on a mind-altering fruit, resulting in him
hallucinating about flying and then plummeting to his death. Enslaved
to the fruit, he still agrees to turn on his friends and bring Mumm-Ra
the Sword of Omens. On a general note, the Thundercats were also naked
a lot, which seems equally inappropriate.

11. SCOOBY-DOO AND SCRAPPY-DOO

This short-lived spin-off series that ran between 1979-80 is notable in
Scooby-Doo history for one incredibly revealing episode concerning
Scrappy-Doo’s dark origin story. In “Scrappy’s Birthday,” Shaggy
recalls the day the canine anti-Christ was born (an event Shaggy was
actually unconscious during.) Only minutes old, the puppy wastes no
time in attacking the doctor, an act which earns him his name from his
mother, Ruby-Roo.

He then goes on a violent rampage through the hospital, including
smashing a rattle into the face of a kindly orderly attempting to
placate him. The “heroic” sidekick’s reward for all this is to be
allowed to go mystery-hunting with his uncle and his stoner buddy,
validating a life of psychotic rage. Though it took Hanna-Barbera
decades to realize it, Scrappy-Doo has always been a secret villain.

10. MY LITTLE PONY

My Little Pony is a franchise unafraid of reinvention. Its original
toyline featured 10? ponies with brushable manes that didn’t look much
different from a regular horse. Once they downsized them and dialled up
the femininity to 11, the tie-in animated media helped rebrand them as
creatures of magic, sweetness and friendship. Or at least, that was the
idea.

The 1984 TV special — the first ever My Little Pony cartoon —
introduced the world to a group of adorable, magical horses who were
living in hoof-quaking fear of being enslaved by a giant, Satanic
centaur called Tirek and forced to pull his “Chariot of Darkness.”
Objectively, this might rack up a few cool points in non-MLP fans’
eyes, but seems far too tonally jarring for the franchise, even now.

9. BEVERLY HILLS TEENS

Before 90210, there was Beverly Hills Teens, a show that glamorized and
ridiculously exaggerated the lives of spoiled rich kids living at the
infamous address in the ’80s. The main characters were called things
like Larke Tanner and Bianca Dupree and the admittedly-catchy theme
song invited viewers to “come live their fantasies.” In the episode,
“Robot Romance” it turns out one of these “fantasies” is apparently the
exact plot of Weird Science.

Chester — the resident computer nerd of the gang — is embittered that
he doesn’t have a date for the Spring Fling dance. So, the sexually-
frustrated teen genius builds himself what is essentially a robot sex
slave. He even programs her for “maximum devotion.” This ethically-
questionable conceit should be reserved for John Hughes’ movies and
sci-fi dystopias, not children’s Saturday morning entertainment.

8. RUDE DOG AND THE DWEEBS

This show is one of the least well-remembered cartoon of the entire
’80s — and for good reason. Imagine if Poochie from The Simpsons had
his own TV show outside of Simpsons continuity, rode in a pink cadillac
rather than on a skateboard, and had a thick, Brooklyn-esque accent and
that’s essentially who Rude Dog is. Not only was the show confusing and
poorly animated, but catchphrases like “slam yer eyeballs against dis”
didn’t exactly endear you to the “hero.”

Speaking of Rude Dog, while the “cool bad boy” archetype is obviously
appealing, glorifying actual rudeness is a weird move for a show aimed
at kids. Not only that, but Rude Dog’s enforced berating of his gang of
hapless “dweebs” would blur the line between friendly banter and
outright bullying of your friends, far beyond comfortability for
parents these days.

7. FOOFUR

The premise of this show is so bleak you’ll be amazed it was ever on
air and aimed at kids. Taking inspiration from Disney’s Aristocats, it
features a dog who inherits his dead master’s mansion, opens it up as a
home for strays, and then must live under the constant threat of
eviction from greedy lawyer Mr. Escrow (Escrow, get it?). Nearly every
episode focussed on harrowingly inappropriate themes like poverty,
homelessness and class war, packaged in cute, animal form.

In one such episode called “A Moving Experience,” the dogs are in the
middle of trying to stop Mr. Escrow from towing the mansion away when a
homeless, pregnant dog called Irma shows up on their doorstep. This
prompts a division within the group as to whether they can afford to
feed more mouths, while Irma might have to give birth inside a house
that’s about to become dangerously unstable.

6. PAW PAWS

Along with giving Scrappy-Doo his own show (and also inventing
Scrappy-Doo in the first place), one of Hanna-Barbera’s other big
mistakes was Paw Paws. It aired for one Season in 1985, and is looked
back on as one of the most explicitly racist cartoon series’ ever made.
Conceived as a show in the mold of The Smurfs, it basically boiled down
every harmful stereotype about Native Americans into a village of
adorable bears.

The village was ruled over by Princess Paw Paw who rode a flying horse
and possessed a “mystical moonstone” that she used against the
antagonist outcast, Dark Paw. Though Native American culture was the
most overriding influence, the show was actually an entire embarrassing
collage of ignorance about global tribal cultures, with igloos and
wigwams thrown together in one big problematic melting pot.

5. CHIP ‘N’ DALE: RESCUE RANGERS

Imagine if Indiana Jones and Thomas Magnum were turned into chipmunks
and decided to set up a Detective agency in New York. That’s what Chip
‘n’ Dale: Rescue Rangers is in a nutshell. Along with Darkwing Duck and
DuckTales, the show helped Disney break into the TV animated market in
the late ’80s and early ’90s after its slump in commercial success
following Walt Disney’s death.

Though the show is ripe for a revival, there’s one blemish from its
original run that Disney would rather you forgot. Or rather, two
blemishes. In the second part of “Rangers To The Rescue,” Chip and Dale
meet double antagonists, “The Siamese Twin Gang” who, with their broken
english, slanted eyes and costumes, are offensive East Asian
stereotypes. They even own an illegal casino _and_ a laundromat.

4. G.I JOE: AN AMERICAN HERO

The Joes have been on and off air since 1983, with the American Hero
series that ran between 1985 and ’86 being the most well-remembered.
It’s been off-air since 1996, and really, a cartoon that looks like one
big recruitment ad for the US military who barge their way into world
affairs just wouldn’t be as palatable in today’s political climate —
especially in a post-Team America world.

As well as this, certain episodes of the largely innocuous series
suddenly turned Cobra into masters of psychological warfare. In
“There’s No Place Like Springfield,” poor Shipwreck becomes unknowingly
trapped in a simulated version of the future in which he has a wife and
child he doesn’t remember. Later, everyone around him suddenly melts
and his wife and kid try to murder him, forcing him to kill them while
his “home” burns down around him.

3. JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS

Jem and the Holograms was an obvious attempt by Marvel and Hasbro to
reach a female audience that they felt their action-oriented shows,
Transformers and G.I Joe, didn’t cater to. Animated by Toei, it
borrowed heavily from a particular anime sub-genre — Magical Girls
whose powers enable them to go from ordinary to popstar with just a
twirl and a wig change.

Though a lot of fun, the show was mostly as vapid and toothless as the
generic, computerized pop music that Jem and her band play, which made
it even more jarring when Jem/Jerrica sang the sexually explicit lyrics
to “Who Is He Kissing?” in the episode, “Starbright, Part One: Falling
Star.” “Who is he kissing?” she wonders about her beau Ken. “Is it me,
or is he making love to a fantasy?”

2. THE INHUMANOIDS

Resembling a post-nuclear nightmare of mutating humans, primordial
subterranean monsters and body horror trauma worthy of The Thing,
Inhumanoids was visually impressive but hugely traumatizing for its
young audience. Rewatching it now, the intensity of its most disturbing
moments hasn’t lessened at all. This is all pretty incredible
considering the show was basically yet another Hasbro toy commercial.

The title alone of its five-part series opener “The Evil That Lies
Within” sounds like it’s either the name of a Metallica song from the
’80s or an early Sam Raimi movie. Within these episodes, a female
scientist is horribly transformed into a drooling, skeletal-faced
monster by an Inhumanoid called D. Compose. Another of the Inhumanoids
also rises from the depths of the Earth in a sequence that resembles
the apocalyptic coming of Cthulhu.

1. THE CARE BEARS
The Care Bears Movie II

The Care Bears began airing in 1985, and though hugely popular among
its target audience, has been criticized for being overly saccharine.
With names like the “Kingdom of Caring” and “Lotsa Heart,” you can
definitely see where this nausea comes from. As was the weird trend
with shows like The Care Bears, the sweetness of the heroes was
uncomfortably juxtaposed with overly sour villains.

This is no more exemplified than in The Care Bears Movie II, in which
the era’s irrational fear of satanic murder cults manifested in a
storyline that saw a little girl sell her soul to a shape-shifting
demon called Dark Heart to get better at sports. The Care Bears
confront the demon, leading to Dark Heart accidentally murdering the
girl. Viewers were then treated to the Bears clutching her corpse and
begging them to help “will” her back to life.

--
Dems & the media want Trump to be more like Obama, but then he'd
have to audit liberals & wire tap reporters' phones.

[BTR1701]

Ubiquitous <web...@polaris.net> wrote:”

>
> 13. HE-MAN AND THE MASTERS OF THE UNIVERSE
>
> He-Man is one of the most well-remembered cartoons of the ’80s, but
> without revisiting the show in your adult years, the barely concealed
> homoeroticism of the world of Eternia probably only reached your
> subconscious as a kid. In “Quest For He-Man,” the titular hero ends up
> transported to the planet “Trannis” through a rainbow portal where he
> confronts its lisping, pink rabbit overlord, Plunder The Spoiler.
>
> If that wasn’t overt enough for you then how about “Fisto’s Forest?” In
> this episode, a brutish man with a giant, armoured hand who is
> creatively named Fisto (let that one sink in…) is caught harassing
> young, Elf boys by shooting white, sticky webbing at them.

Holy shnikees!