Vertigo Rejection Letter
Dave A. Lartigue
I submitted a script to Vertigo and got back the following rejection letter:
Dear contributor,
Thank you for your recent submission to Vertigo comics. We regret that
we are unable to use your material at this time, because it fails to
meet the following Vertigo needs:
1) Sex. You have only two mentions of sex in your book. This confused
our editors, because they did not know that it was possible to create a
book that didn't revolve around sex. We here at Vertigo believe that sex
is so amazing and wondrous that evey single facet of it should be
explored in excruciating detail. Our appetite for stories about sex is
adolescently ravenous, so any non-sex story (if such a thing is possible)
is merely in the way.
2) You have a character who is a lesbian and does something
questionable. At Vertigo, lesbians are only allowed to be presented as
the most pure and natural beings on earth, far superior intellectually,
emotionally, and spiritually than any other beings, with the possible
exception of transsexuals, who run a close second. Male homosexuals, on
the other hand, are best left alone.
3) You have a certain male character in the story who doesn't do
something obnoxiously male specifically so a female character can gripe
at him for being "such a male" or "thinking like a male". In the Vertigo
universe, it is the man's role to perform an action and a woman's role to
chide him for it. Under no circumstances, however, is it ever to be
revealed what the man could possibly do to not be male! Neil Gaiman
nearly gave away one of the solutions, so we made him stop doing
Sandman. [Author's note: I have heard rumors that the secret Neil gave
away was for the man to get a sex-change operation and become a woman.]
4) Your story features a priest who honestly believes in his god. This
priest did not rape children, have sex with a demon, or any of various
other acts which would make him a suitable "Vertigo Priest". He was, in
fact, a likable character, which we both know would never work in one of
our comics. We have standards to maintain.
5) You have a British character whose dialogue is far too understandable
for our tastes. Garth Ennis has scripted a clever handbook which
translates American English into Tedious British Slang. I am enclosing a
copy. [Author's note: This pamphlet gave "bollocks" as the translation
for every American word except "shite".]
6) You have a homeless person who really is schizophrenic and not just in
tune with a higher plane of existance. Do you take us for fools, sir?
7) Finally, your story seems to have what we in the business call
"structure". That is, it seems to have a beginning, a middle, and an
end. These are devices better left to the professionals, don't you
think? All of our beginning writers are required to just ramble on and
lollygag around their comic for about 10 issues or so, until they "get a
feel" for the book. This is called, in the business, "deconstructionism".
We hope you will consider Vertigo in the future, and keep these points in
mind.
Sincerely,
Karen Berger, Executive Editor, Vertigo
--
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Dave A. Lartigue, Cog in the Great Machine || Flames Cheerfully Ignored!
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Michael A. Chary
Jeez, Vertigo has kinda loosened up their rules:)
(although it does give one pause for thought as to how
Animal Man and Swamp Thing get published, not to mention
Books of Magic;)
--
"You were clinically dead for six minutes -- what was it like on
the other side."
"There was an *INCREDIBLE* duty free shop, but I didn't have any money."
-Bizarro "Ipsa scientia potestas est." - Roger Bacon
BAUER, THOMAS D.
>
>Jeez, Vertigo has kinda loosened up their rules:)
>
>(although it does give one pause for thought as to how
>Animal Man and Swamp Thing get published, not to mention
>Books of Magic;)
Jeez, I got one of those Vertigo Rejection letters for a really fantastic
story I wrote, but all the great She said to me was that my work
just wasn't "hip" enough to make the scene. Man, wotta bummer :(
>"You were clinically dead for six minutes -- what was it like on
>the other side."
>"There was an *INCREDIBLE* duty free shop, but I didn't have any money."
>-Bizarro "Ipsa scientia potestas est." - Roger Bacon
Tom
michael kelly
attending the Vertigo part of the Chicago Comicon doesn't show
any of the editorial staff. I would love to get their signature
on a letter of apology.
--
+ Mike Kelly, Notre Dame Department of Physics mke...@doc.helios.nd.edu +
+ +
+ Oh, and never mind the words, just hum along and keep on going. +
+ - Ian Anderson +
Poison Glenns
>This was hilarious! Unfortunately a quick perusal of who will be
>attending the Vertigo part of the Chicago Comicon doesn't show
>any of the editorial staff. I would love to get their signature
>on a letter of apology.
(from a recent update:-)
Vertigo finally announced who would be there:
Peter Milligan, Ted McKeever, Daniel Vozzo, Marc Hempel, Guy Davis,
Jill Thompson, Gary Amaro, Peter Gross, Vince Locke,
Dean Motter
Lou Stathis, Shelly Roeberg, Julie Rottenberg
But, uh, I wouldn't bring up that letter, it was obviously a joke. :-)
Hilarious, yes, real, no... You're gonna get one of those patented
"Say WHAt!?!"s. :-) :-)
Pax,
Glenn
Pax ex machina,
Glenn
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"I don't understand, if there are so many realities ... then which
of them is true?"
"All of them, Dawnstar. And therein lies the Crisis."
--- Mark Waid
g-car...@uchicago.edu, if you must know
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