30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
And here's where the whole Sieze Dangerous Story is at:
So, I've decided that we're getting way too close to the current
LNH stories so maybe it would be wise to go back to some pre-
Three Day Lull stories. I mean seeing how you've read all the
previous LNH Classic Adventures issues you should have no problem
snorting some pure uncut wReam, right? Right?
Russ Allbery's original attempt at LNH Classic (in 1994, which is
not in the eyrie archive -- the second attempt in 1996 is) he
managed to make it all the way to like the first part of Kyle
Lucke's 'The Quest for Cheeze', but didn't quite make it to
Integrity Quest so I figured I'd start with that storyline.
But the LNH Timeline shows quite a bit of stuff happening right
between the beginning of and ending of Integrity Quest (like
Sieze Dangerous) A lot of these stories were written before
there was such a thing as an LNH Timeline (and I decided to
see if I could find the first LNH Timeline on google groups
-- and here's possibly the first one)
From: Scavenger (kog...@ucsu.colorado.edu
Subject: OFFICIAL WELCOME TO ALT.COMICS.LNH (proto-type)
Date: Nov 12, 1992, 6:04:41 PM
VIII) TIME LINE
The current post-Cry.Sig timeline looks something like this:
The Cosmic Plot-Device Caper (the first LNH adventure)
**THE 501 BLUES: A Lurk of Faith (includes 2 1/2 month gap and
THE 501 BLUES: The Long Road To Nowhere
Kind Big Darkness Saga
* The Cosmic Conspiracy (Continuity Champ solo story)
* Integrity Quest (begins a little after TCC does)
* Sieze Dangerous (happens near the end of to after TCC)
* Electrocutioner's Song (multi-writer epic crossover thingie)
**The Flame Wars (the ultimate in celestial megabuck minis)
* - indicates currently ongoing
** - indicates planned and much publicized
(And one would assume that our current one is way more accurate
than this one!)
So do I do Sieze Dangerous before I get to
Integrity Quest? In the end, I decided to just post various
parts like they are in the Timeline. That probably will be
a huge mistake -- but live and learn as they say.
So to start off, We have the first couple parts of the Integrity
Quest both of which are written by Doug P. Wojtowicz (and there's
a little part by Brian "Obscure Trivia Lad" Perler too).
First part introduces Lost Cause Boy (and was a reply to one of
Kyle Lucke's Quest for Cheeze posts) thus beginning this Chaotic
Multi-Writer Cascade. Will Cannon Fodder avoid getting killed by
a massive swarm of John Byrne comics?!
And the second (which is a reply to a Brian Perler reply -- well,
here's a bit of that Brian Perler post:
From: Brian Perler
Subject: Re: The Drizzt Danglers, by wReam...
Date: Oct 6, 1992, 5:44:31 PM
>P.S. Ultimate Ninja is selling too many comics to be the traitor!
>Who would be fool enough to make him the enemy!? >;-)
That fool, Writer-With-Integrity. However, he was killed off quite
a while ago, it seems (although it's been rumored that his spirit
still lurks in various independents and even the rare mainstream),
so we're not sure if he could still do this. :)
...we start to get more of story -- or should we say Quest!
And will other heroes join up with Lost Cause Boy to see if the demise
of the Writer-With-Integrity is true?!
And finally we have the first part of Sieze Dangerous! by Raymond
"wReam" Bingham. (Spelled Sieze because maybe wReam thought, 'This will
fool those Marvel lawyers!' or possibly 'This seems like the way to spell
the word 'Seize'!') We have the Ultimate Ninja not liking all this
chaos in the LNH so he convinces Contraption Man to fix it by building
something called a -- PERIL ROOM!! And we've got Acton Lord (who will
eventually be called the wReamed Acton Lord -- anytime wReam writes
Acton Lord that Acton Lord becomes the wReamed Acton Lord :)) spying
on all this and trying to obtain something called -- The Sieze Dangerous!!
Will there be a whole lot of other LNH stories between the first and
second part of this?!! (Yes, 'fraid so!)
Anyways all that aside, let's all read...
| | Classic
| | =
| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Integrity Quest and Sieze Dangerous!! Part One
Date: Sat, 17 Dec 1994 17:54:13 -0700
From: Hubert Bartels <h...@catalina.opt-sci.Arizona.EDU
I N T E G R I T Y Q U E S T
Reprinting the Integrity Quest books from 1993
In which we are introduced to our heroes and heroine
and the case of the missing writer...
Subject: Re: LNH: The coming of a hero
Date: Oct 8, 1992, 11:03:53 AM
Net.Patrol: In the beginning..
Cannon Fodder walked away dazedly from his meeting with Cheezar and Makkaroni.
He was quite befuddled. They were letting anyone into this damn universe these
days. He sauntered towards the netnews gate, seeing it crackle to life,
with an energy, a power unlike any he'd ever known before. And he smelled a
smell. The smell of tear stained back issues. What was this? Who could be
coming through the net? Suddenly, Cannon Fodder saw them, a swarm of comics
smashing into him, crushing him to a helpless, pasty mulch.
Lost-Cause Boy stepped through the netgate, the energy fading around him as he
looked down at his pile of John Byrne Fantastic Fours piled atop what looked
like two arms and two legs. Lost-Cause Boy (who in his daily disguise of
Douglas P. Wojtowicz, a regular ditcher of classes at the University of
Illinois at Chicago) gasped as he realized who had had just mashed to a pulp.
"I knew I should have thrown in my Mosaic collection first," he said.
Well, now that Lost Cause Boy had arrived, he bundled up his comics,
wondering what strange new adventures he would encounter, leaping to the
defense of non-vigilante Supermen and battling the horrendous forces of fanboy
Lost Cause Boy, invented by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
(Yes, I am the Cloak and Dagger of comics, in real life. In fact, I have
every appearance of Cloak and Dagger in my collection. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Subject: Lost Cause Boy's quest for a storyline begins.
Date: Oct 8, 1992, 11:26:01 AM
Net.Patrol: Roots are set
>That fool, Writer-With-Integrity. However, he was killed off quite
>a while ago, it seems (although it's been rumored that his spirit
>still lurks in various independents and even the rare mainstream),
>so we're not sure if he could still do this. :)
Lost Cause Boy wandered around. Since Fuzzy was introducing some other
newcomer, and since the guy on monitor duty had taken off, he was on his
own to explore this brave new news.world. His prodigal strength enabled
him to maintain the burden of the long dead comics that he loved and so
ferverently clung to, the pile growing even larger as he walked along.
(Issue by issue of Justice Society, GL Mosaic and Morrison's Doom Patrol
flew into his pack, and yet, his strength persisted.)
As he passed near the access to alt.flame and alt.flame.spelling, he winced
at the flash of fires coming out.
"I must be near Fire-Proof Lad's quarters."
Yet such was Lost Cause Boy's power not to be taken aback by anything. He
was a juggernaught in the name of lost comics, as unstoppable as his favorite
characters and storylines were stoppable. Only his faith kept him going,
despite the fact that he now looked like Daffy Duck after Elmer loosed both
barrels on him.
He passed by the monument of Writer with Integrity and blanched, throwing
down his collection.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! NOT YOU! YOU CANNOT BE GONE!!!"
Lost Cause Boy dropped to his knees, waiting for some other LNH writer
to come along and input him into a mighty adventure, such as searching
for the traitor, or finding out the rumors of writer-with-integrity is true
or not. (Hint, hint.)
Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Subject: LNH: Sieze Dangerous!! episode 1
Date: Oct 9, 1992, 4:18:31 PM
Here it is the LONG AWAITED!!!
Sieze Dangerous... episode 1...
Ultimate Ninja saw that the Legion was only going to get larger and
more confusing and knew it was time to act. Everyday three to ten new
members were showing up to join into the party, but none of them
really had purpose or experience in fighting evil. Ultimate Ninja,
being a ninja, and Ninja's for the most part brood a lot and take
things way too seriously, could not remove the suspicion from his mind
that Acton Lord would soon be taking advantage of the group's
unorganized fashion. Sure he had stepped on Acton Toad, but certainly
there were more than one of him hidden somewhere. At least, that's
what Sig Lad claimed, as he mumbled something about Acton Lord's
immortality scheme where he scanned himself into gif form. It was
time for the Legion of Net.Heroes to get organized.
Ultimate Ninja, aware that Rebell Yell might be mad at his
criticizing of his poor leadership job decided to enact his plan
without debate or discussion among the other members. He would set
his plan into motion and if there was an objection he would deal with
it when it arrived (probably with a fistful of Ninja Bush!). It was
time to get the facilities to determine who would be the best leader.
Who will pass the test of champions and gain the honor of Ultimate
Nin... Errrr. Leader. Ultimate Ninja knew the answer before he even
thought of the contest, but it would be fun to thrash the Legion into
* * * * * * * * * *
Meanwhile Acton Lord spied carefully through his spy.sat monitor. He
had to watch Ultimate Ninja closely, since it was him that had stepped
on him. And changing his costume, due to Sig Lad was really going to
be an annoying task! Just then a Gradgnome entered carrying the
latest box of Pizza Hut take out. Acton Lord glared at the irritating
little fellow and then sent him flying across the room at the impact
of his backhand.
"Master, Why dust thow beet mee?"
"This script needs some senseless violence to establish what a
mean and wrotten guy I am!" Acton Lord snarled back in a pose as evil
as he could imagine. "That meddling Ultimate Ninja has got to PAY for
the indignities he has costed me! I will not rest until I have
exacted my revenge on him!"
"Ultimate Ninja is as good as toast, then?"
"When I am done with him he will not even be that good! Why
he wont be suit to make stuffing, with the stale crumbs I will leave
"what? Master? You confuse me..."
"It was metaphor! You IDIOT!" Acton Lord booted the poor
wretched Gragnome across the room and out a window. His <THUD!> could
be heard as Acton Lord reached for another piece of Pizza. Taking a
bite and looking into the viewscreen, Acton Lord about choked.
"Stupid Gragnome! I Hate green Olives!" raging AL took the pizza and
flung it out of the window. " Bring me Peperoni and Pineapple!" Then
turning once again to viewscreen, Acton Lord began to observe the
antics of the LNH again.
* * * * * * * * * *
In the outer reaches of net.limbo.creepy.place a kind old woman
writhed in pain. Electricity shot through her mind, but her thoughts
were no longer kindly old jokes. They were no longer well-formed
sentences. They were no longer her own.
Must . . . do . . . good . . . Must Love . . . KILL . . .
Continuity Legion . . . Champ . . . Cult . . . errrrrrg.
Bands of power and darkness emanated from the husk of the frail senior
citizen. Had Sister State-the-Obvious been watching she would have
duely noted that this was not the same Aunt Comic-Relief that she had
grown to love...
* * * * * * * * * *
Contraption Man sat on a couch that was welded to the floor of LNH.HQ.
He was toying with a new invention. He called it the Cheese.Cracker.
He had swiped some cheeze from Cheeezzar and his Coil thingy and was
mixing it up with a new party idea. He announced to the room his
discovery and his plans to patent the Hors d'ouerves (sp?^10000) of
cheese and crackers mixed, when Sister State-The-Obvious blurted out
something to the effect that it was already invented. Contraption Man
and McLaughlin Man began to argue about the legal ramifications and if
someone really could own exclusive writes to the whole mess when
Ultimate Ninja approached quietly.
"Contraption Man. I need you to do something for me."
Ultimate Ninja interrupted.
"Hey, Did you see my creation? Do you think it will sell?"
Contraption Man completely ignored McLaughlin Man, who wasn't too hurt
since he had plenty to debate with P.C. Man (Politically Correct Man)
who was sitting in a corner frowning at the hopeless state of the LNH.
"You wouldn't happen to be a traitor, who is going to destroy the
entire LNH, would you? I Come from the future and I saw a video tape
of the past when I was in the future and that is now still the future,
and I wouldn't like it to become the past, but I would prefer that I
stopped the traitor before the whole thing became a disaster, although
I must admit the future really isn't that bad, so maybe that means I
shouldn't interfere, but if I don't maybe then I will alter the future
even more, cuz maybe I am already written into my own life and if I
change how I would act then that would change what I am and I would
form an endless time loop causing the Universe to disintegrate, and
destroying the entire net.time.space.continuum!! Are you sure these
cheese.cracker things aren't original!?"
Ultimate Ninja did a flying twist kick into Contraption man's
Cheese-Cracker, then a martial disarm, knocking it to the ground and
then crushed it below his feet, all while grasping Contraption Man by
the collar and lifting him into the air. "Look you! I need you to
build me something and I don't want to spend this entire episode
describing it to you!"
Contraption Man drew back. "Violent one, aren't you? In the
future we have managed to suppress these terrible feelings so that we
are superior to the inferior LNH that is here." He said proudly, but
then it dawned on him. "You sure seem hostile! Maybe you ARE the
traitor! In fact, I suspected you all Along! By the way, what is your
"I am Ultimate Ninja. I really need you to help me with your
spectacularly genetically advanced mind and I think you are the only
one SKILLED enough to do it." Ultimate Ninja was a master at
silver.tongued.devil.skills. "Can you help my pitifulness?"
All puffed out, Contraption Man naturally paid attention. "OK,
what do you want?"
"I need to devise a way to test each of the LNH to see who is
the most suitable to lead. Maybe they could clash in a simulated
combat but not hurt each other? I put it in a large gymnasium like
room where people could practice their skills if needed. I would call
it the Perilroom. Do you have any idea if this is possible."
Ultimate Ninja unfolded his plan to Contraption Man.
"Sure, The PerilRoom 2000! Why I used to fiddle with that
thing all the time! In fact, one of my first assignments was to take
the thing completely appart and rebuild it. Who would have guessed I
was the orignal creator!?" Contraption man quipped cheerfully. "I
will go to the empty rooms and start it right away! Hey! Maybe I can
get a patent! Why didn't I think of that before! I could build lots
of conveniences I have in the future and really make a fortune! Why I
could..." Contraption Man disappeared down one of the halls, thinking
about all his new found plans.
* * * * * * * * * *
Acton Lord stood perplexed. He stared blankly at the screen. A
Perilroom? The LNH would actually PRACTICE thier powers!? And why
would Ultimate Ninja be interested in such a plan? Making his
Deduction Roll, Acton Lord realized in an appalling rage that Ultimate
Ninja planned to make the LNH into an organized well oiled machine!
Acton Lord winced at the thought of an organized Legion. Perhaps he
would wipe out the entire Legion of Net.Villains, if he managed to do
this?! It would be worse then the Woman who backed into a running
plane propeller: DISASTER!
Acton Lord lept dynamically to his feet and ran to fetch his
com.link. "Netlurker, I need you down here, now! We have to stop a
major plot development."
Netlurker slurged from his trance of cyber.addiction in
reaction to the call. "Whaddya want..."
"We are going after ... SIEZE DANGEROUS!!"
"What! I thought that was just a Legend."
Acton Lord stared at the panel adjecent his where NetLurker
was drawn and asked in disgust...
"Are you sure you aren't related to Cliche Dude?!"
* * * * * * * * * *
Ultimate Ninja conversed with List Lad and RosterwReam. "So you think
we could actually arrange the LNH in an order that was more easily
"Suuuuure! No problem! It's really no problem! I am certain
RosterwReam here will be GLAD to do it!" List Lad said sipping his
"But I ... Err. I still haven't got all the other newcomers
together yet! Um..." RosterwReam squirmed as his boy-hood enthusiasm
was slowly being sapped.
"Good, then this is how it will go. I will organize the LNH
"HEY BOSS!" Contraption Man came around the corner and burst
into the conversation without consideration to the previous subject.
"You got a TELERIUM.PU99.SPACEMODULATOR handy?"
Ultimate Ninja shrugged.
"Oh. I guess I will have to improvise." then he wandered
back to his work place, mumbling all the way. "I wonder if orange
peels will work?"
Ultimate Ninja watched Contraption Man walk down the hall, not
watching where he went, U.N. expected C.M. to trip over Lost-Cause Boy
who was still sobbing hopelessly at the feet of the Memorial Statue of
the once alive now defunct "Writer-With-Integrity."
* * * * * * * * * *
Net.world Fabric ripped and squelched under the enormous power
building up in net.limbo.creepy.place.of.evil. In pain an Aunt
Comic-Relief lurched in the darkness. She was no longer Aunt
Comic-Relief. She was No longer Coronary the life giver and taker...
She was changing. The inker was dumping the ink on at this point!
She was BLACK CORONARY!!!
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
WHAT TROUBLE IS ACTON LORD BREWING, AND WHAT EXACTLY IS THE SIEZE
DANGEROUS!? WILL ULTIMATE NINJA MANAGE TO ORGANIZE THE LNH? WHAT
WILL BE REBEL YELL'S REACTION??? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO AUNT
COMIC-RELIEF!? AND WILL CAPTAIN CAPITALIZE ALWAYS BE DOING THESE
Ultimate Ninja of the Legion of Net.Heroes!!
P.S. SCAV has been having net problems! Hope he gets this!
Next Week: Cat Girls and Anarky! Oh, my!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer