LNH: Classic LNH Adventures #260: The Comics Connection Part One

[Arthur Spitzer]

30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!

And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
once again.

Here's where you can find The Comics Connection as well as other
Kid Kirby stories:

https://archives.eyrie.org/racc/lnh/Series/Kid.Kirby/




And we've got H. Jameel Alkhafiz writing Kid Kirby #0 and the
First Part of The Comics Connection! Thrill to the beginnings
of the Cosmic Clobberer as he descends from the Mighty Fourth
World! Will he rag on some Rob Liefeld comics?! Will he have
to fill out an LNH membership application?!!

And then gasp at the first part of The Comics Connection!! And
how loudly will Comics-Snob Boy gasp when he learns that Kid
Kirby doesn't quite care for Neil Gaiman's Sandman!!?


Find out in...



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|_| OF NET.HEROES

ADVENTURES #260


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The Comics Connection Part One
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From: Harith Jameel Alkhafiz <ha...@andrew.cmu.edu>
Newsgroups: alt.comics.lnh
Subject: Kid Kirby #0
Date: Mon, 25 Apr 1994 19:35:36 -0400

Note: Due to having found my first backup disk (it sat in the lost and
found for over a year until a friend noticed that it was named 'Kid
Kirby!'), I am able to repost the first Kid Kirby story ever! It's
numbered zero, not as some marketing scheme, but because it was written
as an add-on to something (Cry.Sig, I think). I wrote this on November
4, 1992, and I left the classic .sig.
----
From the Mighty Fourth World he came. Written with the pompous,
polysyllabic prose of Lee (Stan, not Jim or Jae) himself, drawn in the
inimitable style of Jack "King" Kirby, possessing the ability to warp
perspective and foreshortening to their ultimate potential. This...is
his pulse-pounding premiere appearance...

Kid Kirby flew through the void, enrapt in the act of reading comic
books. "Ah, to soar unfettered through the cosmos, bathing in the heat
of stars both aborning and dying...but, hold!" He produced a strange
device with no apparent controls, or functioning parts, for that manner.
It did have a screen, though, surrounded by zig-zagging lines and
seemingly extraneous shapes.
"What villiany is this?!" he asked, his disgust _very_ apparent.
"It seems that I must once again return to the sphere of my birth, for
it is in danger, peril most grave!" With that, Kid Kirby bagged,
boarded, and sealed his precious comics (so they stay nice and readable
for years and years:-). "I must warn them of the coming of...YOUNGSTUD
THE RAVAGER!"

Hyperspace. It sang to him, as if drawn by a master (it was :-),
yet he reluctantly left it behind as he entered Earth's atmosphere.
"Many have rendered Earth artistically since the ending of the Kirby
Age, yet is shines as a jewel in the crown of the queen that is
reality." He produced another Kirby device and fiddled with it. "The
sub-spatial tridetector has located a concentration of super-powered
individuals, individuals who will, nay, who _must_ defend their world,
or it shall surely cease to be!"

Legion of Net Heroes Headquarters:

>Marvel Zombie Boy...came hurtling from the skies, aflame,
>crashing into the swimming pool.
> "Marvel Zombie Boy!" someone screamed.
> Lurking Girl dived in after him, then suddenly realized she couldn't
>swim (she sure did look good wet, though - what they could see of
>her). After the Legionnaires hauled their two members out of the
>pool, Yell looked over the Zombie.
> "Is he... dead?" someone asked.
> "I'm afraid so."
> "Oh, no."
> Yell looked up. "Oh, don't worry. He's always been that way."
> "No, don't you remember? He became Fan Boy the Image Idiot and that
>other dude for a while."
> "Don't remind me." A groan escaped the Zombie's lips. His eyes
>flew open, and he grabbed Yell by the collar.
> "You must... stop him. Terror from the stars! Insanity...
>Gauntlet!!!" He sagged back down.
> "Who?" Rebel Yell demanded. "Who is it?"
> But Marvel Zombie Boy had sagged back into unconsciousness.
> After they had put MZB in their medi-lab, Rebel Yell went for a
>walk. He looked up toward the heavens. Suddenly, the stars no longer
>seemed as friendly as they once had.
> Great, he thought. All we need is another dangling subplot with a
>shadowy master villain.
"You are the hero known as Rebel Yell?" Kid Kirby asked as he
stepped from the shadows. Any normal person would have been at least
slightly apprehensive of a stranger approaching him decked out in armor
like some new god. Rebel Yell just shrugged. Maybe he'd spent too much
time around Super Apathy Lad.
"Yeah, that's me," he replied with a Southern accent so perfect that
it couldn't be transcribed.
"Look to the stars!" Kid Kirby cried, pointing to the sky and
stretching perspectives so that his arm seemed to span a few hundred
yards. "Doom comes from the stars, and it's name is...YOUNGSTUD!
Prepare yourselves-"
"Hold on a second," Rebel Yell interjected. "We can only handle one
cosmic storyline at a time, so your problem'll just have to wait on the
dangler list for a while. When is this "YOUNGSTUD" getting here,
anyway?"
"I-I don't know," Kid Kirby replied. "He's supposed to be here next
week, but he's always behind schedule, so it could be months from now."
"Good. We'll pick up that storyline later. For now, fill out this
application and follow me. I have the feeling that the more members we
have when this Insanity Gauntlet thing comes to a head, the better."
Kid Kirby shrugged, produced a highly augmented, barely
recognizeable nuclear-powered alphabet inducer and began filling out the
LNH membership application.

###
9 9
-

Jameel
Physicist-At-Large, a.k.a. Kid Kirby

P.S. The sampled bit is borrowed from bar...@wkuvx1.bitnet. I thought
that it'd help me get into the continuity more easily.



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| | ULTIMATE NINJA! KID KIRBY! SING ALONG LASS!
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|_| OF NET.HEROES


The Comics Connection Chapter 1 (by Jameel)

Rebel Yell sighed as he struggled to maintain his patient leader
voice. "Kid Kirby," he began, "next time, please consult the rest of
the LNH before you modify Legion Equipment." He tossed a hand-held
Kirby Device to Kid Kirby, who caught it with a flourish.
"But this device was fraught with inefficiencies!" Kid Kirby stood,
towering over Rebel Yell due to warped artistic perspectives. "My
modifications have improved the device one thousand percent. Why-"
"I don't even know what it is anymore!" Rebel Yell yelled, losing it.
"You don't even label the stuff like the old Batman series! First, the
monitor, now this...this..."
"Flame negator," Kid Kirby volunteered.
"...flame negator! No one but you can even tell what it is, yet alone
use it!"
"But-"
"I have an idea. Maybe you could do something useful, like fix the
monitor you 'Kirby-fied'! Lord knows you've done nothing around here
but pose heroically!" Yell stormed off in anger.
"But the monitor _is_ fixed," Kid Kirby answered weakly. "You think
that you can talk to me, Kid Kirby, like that with impunity! I am Kid
Kirby, KID KIRBY, and that is enough!" However, something, _has_ been
awry with my powers lately, he thought. Perhaps the medi-center holds
the key.

"I've been feeling a little under the weather lately," Marvel_Zombie
Lad told Mainstream Man as the sat in the medi-center waiting room,
currently filled to capacity.
"You're DEAD," Lost Cause Boy interjected. "How could you feel any worse?"
"You've been reading to much of that X-Crement," Comics-Snob-Boy told
LCB. "Anyone who read good comics would know that the walking dead have
feelings and aren't just rampaging fiends."
"That's pretty deep...NOT!" Cliche Dude (as if you didn't know) told
Comics-Snob-Boy.
Kid Kirby registered his name on the waiting list computer and took a
seat next to Comics-Snob-Boy, who gasped in horror and moved to the
opposite corner of the room. "Why does he move away from me?" Kid Kirby
asked, indignant. "His behavior puzzles me, and to puzzle me is to-"
"As much as I hate to interrupt a good speech," Marvel_Zombie Lad
said, interrupting a good speech, "I think that I can answer you. Even
though everyone in this waiting room represents comics, people like you
and me represent comics that have bigger-than-life superheroes that
fight titanic struggles every issue. These things are anathema to
Comics-Snob-Boy. He wishes to enlighten the world to the works of
Gaiman and Moore."
"Hmm. I read Sandman once. I didn't care for it much." This comment
elicited another gasp from Comics-Snob-Boy.
"I was wondering about you, though," Marvel_Zombie Lad continued.

"Are you the true embodiment of Kirby, the First Artist?"
Kid Kirby wore a look of mild surprise. "You _are_ a follower of 'The
Way'! I had thought of myself as the last...perhaps my story may now
be-" Kid Kirby was cut off by a cry of utter shock from Lost Cause Boy.
"My satchel!" he cried. Indeed, his satchel had flown open, and
comics poured forth. Simonson Thor comics swirled about Lost Cause Boy
in a pattern similar to that used when he swung his hammer to cross into
other realities.
"Obscure Trivia Lad recognizes that pattern of comics, but Obscure
Trivia Lad can't place it at the moment," Obscure Trivia Lad noted.
"My...power...out...of...control!" Cliche Dude angsted, clutching his
head in the famous "My power's gone out of control" pose.
"Mainstream Man!" Lost Cause Boy called out to the nearest net.hero.

"Help me! Grab my comics before their lost!"
"I-I can't!" Mainstream Man answered. "There's independents in there!
Don't let them touch me!"
"Back in my day, heroes didn't get sick!" Old Comics Man ranted. "The
only things they got sick of was criminals. And the criminals didn't
get sick, either. The only people that got sick were the test subjects
for the criminals mad experiments! And another thing..." Old Comics
Man was drowned out by the increasing din.

"All right, what's going on in here?" Rebel Yell asked, weary and
angry as he ran into the waiting room. "What're y'all doing?!" He was
immediately buffetted by flying comic books.
"I'll try to contain the flow!" Kid Kirby shouted as he constructed a
device to funnel off the excess power from everyone who was in the room,
because everyone, including himself, had begun to glow brightly.

However, the energies were funnelled into a vortex of comic energies
that threatened to pull everyone into it.
"YOU!" Rebel Yell pointed an accusing finger at Kid Kirby, who was
nearly incapacitated.
"Go on, save yourselves!" Cliche Dude cried as he was drawn into the vortex.
Old Comics Man muttered something about heroes not having to fight
energy vortices as he was sucked in. Continuity Champ struggled to save
Mainstream Man, who'd been knocked unconscious by an issue of Dreadstar,
when Doctor Stomper came up with an entertaining second chapter to such
an obvious plot device and dove into the vortex. The Champ caught
Comics-Snob-Boy, who pleaded not to be subjected to the perilous
energies. He caught Browsing Boy, who was trying to read all of Lost
Cause Boy's flying comics, and he caught Obscure Trivia Lad's flailing
foot square in the face. This sent the whole pile tumbling into the
unknown. Ultimate Ninja happened to be passing by and, seeing a lot of
net.heroes going into an energy vortex, jumped on the bandwagon and into
the vortex. Marvel_Zombie Lad fell through as he tried to save the
"High Priest of the First Artist," as he put it. Kid Kirby strained his
armor to its limits resisting the flow.
"Get help!" he shouted to Rebel Yell, as Kid Kirby stopped fighting
and flew into the energy vortex.
"Damn!" Rebel Yell cursed. Those were _his_ men being hero.knapped.

He dove into the vortex without a look back...


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Next Week: Part Two of The Comics Connection!!!!

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Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer