Comic Update, May 12, 1995 (Rick Howe, Paul Quinn)
ROLLER 666
C O M I C U P D A T E
FREE! Internet Edition May 12, 1995
R E V I E W S
by Andrew Roller
Topical Studies #10, $2.00. Digest, text with illustrations. Rick Howe,
1302 22nd Street, Apartment A, Columbus, GA 31901.
Rick Howe publishes little booklets for unborn librarians and Ph.d.
candidates. The reason I say this is because I think his Topical Studies
zine (his most recent circular), will be a highly prized small press item
in 100 years or so. Real thoughts by a real person (a fast food fry
cook), conscientiously presented. This is the sort of Americana that
historians really appreciate. Plus in his latest issue Rick confesses to
raping a minor (pg. 28), so even the purely prurient among you should want
a copy.
I will wind up leaving Topical Studies #10 at the bus stop, however, as I
am (annoyingly) not mentioned in this issue (again). Did you know that
bus stops make great display places for your zines? The bus stops around
here have a strip of metal along the base of the bench's back. (The side
of the bench back which faces toward you as you sit down on it, of
course.) I can slip the bottom of a zine into the metal strip. This
allows the zine to stand up, and it keeps it from blowing away. I find it
very interesting to place a zine out at the bus stop and see how long it
remains there before someone picks it up and carries it off. Some zines
wind up on the grass and lay there for days. Even the bums don't want
them. I would say that the homemade-comics zines are very poorly
received, while music and movie titles seem to go quite quickly.
As you can see I am once again equipped with a computer. A word to the
destitute: there is a major department store in your area that will
(foolishly) loan you tons of money to buy the name brand products in their
store. Yes, you too can afford a computer. There is no excuse to publish
crap that looks like Self Publisher! anymore.
A postscript: I wrote the above about nine months ago, although it had
not been published until today. Rick Howe has since come out with another
Topical Studies, his most outstanding issue yet. I have also been doing
more research out at the bus stop. I placed some small press material out
there recently, along with some professionally produced newsletters by the
nationally known Joe Bob Briggs (reviewed in the May 10th Update). You
know what? The small press material (xeroxed home-made comics) got picked
up, while Joe Bob languished, eventually winding up ignominiously
underneath and behind the bench. No doubt he was eventually picked
up...by an illiterate Mexican gardener-dude tossing him into the trash.
Sam and Marty #0, $1.50. Odd-sized, large comic. Paul Quinn, 80
Hamilton Street, Unit 4, Waterdown, Ontario, CANADA LOR 2H6.
Review: "Oh, Zack!! I want to feel your hot breath apon (sic) my
bosom!!!" cries Samantha Saphire (pg. 8). (This is one of the comics that
got picked up very quickly when I left it out at the bus stop.) Samantha
is being courted by a vampire in this issue, one Marty Bishop, of whom we
are told, "It's been eight hundred and twenty-seven years since he's said
or heard the words, "I love you (pg. 1)." (When he last got laid is
anyone's guess).
Although I couldn't quite bring myself to read the story, the artwork is
good for a small press comic. The ladies are well drawn and their bosoms
vividly portrayed, both with and without bras. Paul seems to go in for
the weight-lifter type in women. His men always seem dwarfed by their
female lovers. Perhaps this is in the R. Crumb tradition, I'm not sure,
as I'm a little too young to be properly aware of Crumb's work and my only
small press source in this matter is now dead.
The black areas in this zine are excellent, not washed out, as often
happens in xeroxed zines. Blacks are used with dramatic effect in the
portrayal of Samantha's lacy black bra, and in a starry-night graveyard
scene, dominated by a black-cloaked Darth Vader dude. This is a nicely
drawn comic, an excellent buy if you want to get a good picture of what a
"small press comic" looks like.
C O M I C U P D A T E S T O R I E S
The Fading Universe
Part Two
by Andrew Roller
Chapter Two
Marvin blinked the sleep from his eyes and was about to suppress a yawn
with his hand when he discovered that his wrists were bound behind his
back.
"Damn! I'm a sex slave," Marvin said.
Elsa came into focus. She was lying several feet from Marvin, her wrists
and ankles bound with rope.
"Wait a fuckin' minute! Don't tell me I'm Frankie's sex slave!" Marvin
yelled.
Marvin's shout was greeted with laughter. Suddenly he noticed dozens of
absinthe eyes peering down at him. Marvin rolled from his side onto his
back.
"Oh. Hullo," Marvin said calmly to the mutants who were crowded around
him, as an icy chill ran down his spine.
A desperate cry pierced the air. Marvin could make out Perry's voice
screaming for mercy.
"They're castrating him!" Elsa shrieked to Marvin.
"No!" Marvin yelled, sitting bolt upright, wrestling with his bonds.
Strong hands seized him, thrust him back onto the dirt. In a rage of
blind fury, Marvin struggled against the mutants, twisting to and fro, but
they held him fast.
"Ha! Ha! Ha! You're next," they jeered. Marvin's eyes gaped wide as
Perry's bloodcurdling screams shattered the silence of the tunnels.
Perspiration streaked his brow and blurred his vision. The mutant's
stinking breath filled his nostrils. Marvin gave a violent kick and one
of the mutants toppled backward with a gasp. Suddenly a sharp pain blazed
through Marvin's skull and his world went pitch black.
###
Marvin felt a wetness between his legs. He wrenched himself upright as a
vision of a bloody crotch shot through his mind. He looked down to find
Elsa licking his testicles with her tongue. She glanced up at him.
"You nearly lost these. I figure I'd better appreciate them while I
can," Elsa said.
Marvin's memory of the leering mutants, with their shrunken heads,
rippling membranous gills, and massive forearms, faded upon a bare
cinderblock prison cell.
Footsteps came echoing down the hall. Elsa hurriedly zipped up Marvin's
trousers, whispering, "We're in the city slammer. The cops who were sent
out after us found us just as the mutants were castrating Perry."
"Then he's O.K.?"
"No. He's lost his testicles."
Marvin gasped.
A police sergeant appeared outside the prison door.
"Well, I see you finally woke up," the sergeant said to Marvin. "I guess
you could say the city cops saved your balls, boy. Saved 'em for the
electric chair. Too bad about your leader, though. That's what you get
when you double-cross the mutants."
The sergeant chuckled and was about to continue when a blast of mortar
fire rumbled through the prison. For a moment the sergeant stood stock
still, then he regained his composure and said, "Hear that? We got a war
on our hands, folks. Some damn army who I never even heard of before is
attacking the city. But don't you worry, we'll have everything under
control shortly. So if you've got any thoughts of escapin', forget it.
And don't try creating a disturbance either, or I'll shoot the lot of
you."
With that the sergeant turned and hurried off. Marvin looked quizzically
at Elsa.
"A lot has happened since we struck camp last night," she said.
"I'll say," Marvin replied. "I can understand mutants sneaking up on us
while we were sleeping. They've been after us ever since Perry pulled a
fast one on them seven months ago. But what's this about a war? Has San
Diego attacked again?"
"Not San Diego. Some city no one ever knew existed, named Alameda, from
far, far away. But that's not the worst of it. The insects have finally
attacked."
The insects. Desert beetles. Cockroaches, really, except they fed on
human flesh. Periodically the city would be attacked by hordes of
mindless beetles, swarming up from distant corridors in a seasonal
migration toward some unknown destination. The city's police would don
polyurethane suits, masks, and cylindrical tanks with hoses to fight off
the ravenous beetles with poison gas.
"The Alameda army attacked the city early this morning," Elsa continued.
"Within an hour or two they had captured the suburbs. They were making
rapid progress toward the city's center when, suddenly, the insects
attacked."
"I'll bet that surprised them. Do they have insects in that place,
whatever it's called, Amalthea?" Marvin asked.
"Alameda. The story is Alameda's insects don't eat people. These
beetles caught the Alameda army totally unawares."
"Good for them," Marvin chuckled.
"Now the Alameda army is trapped inside the city, with the cops before
them and the insects at their backs," Elsa concluded.
"Sounds pretty hairy, huh, Marv?" Flaherty asked, his words obscured
slightly by a mouthful of potato chips. "This prison is probably the
safest place we could be right now."
Frankie and Harrigan exchanged glances, their eyes drifting down toward
each other's genitals.
"Where's Perry right now?" Marvin asked Elsa.
"The prison hospital."
Marvin was about to inquire into Perry's prospects for recovery when
shouting erupted at the far end of the hall. Marvin walked over to the
door of the cell and peered out. Apparently something had thrown the
policemen on duty into turmoil. Marvin strained to catch what they were
saying but he couldn't make it out.
Marvin had just gone and sat down again beside Elsa when the police
sergeant appeared outside their cell.
"Well, son, you're not going to be electrocuted," he said to Marvin. The
policeman was obviously intent on saying something to Marvin, but instead
of continuing he looked distractedly up and down the hallway, fingering
his cap all the while, which he held in his pudgy hands. He shouted to a
partner running through the offices at the end of the hall, but failed to
catch the man's attention. Finally he said, "The mayor betrayed the city.
All of our poison gas has been rendered impotent. You lousy bastards are
going to get devoured by the beetles!" The sergeant let out a manic
laugh. Marvin jumped up and lunged at the door. He seized the prison
bars and shook them.
"You gotta let us out!" Marvin yelled.
The policeman tossed a pocket-size portable television into the cell.
"Here, you can watch the latest reports on your impending doom," the
sergeant said. With that he scurried off down the hall, leaving Marvin to
shout after his retreating footsteps.
Elsa turned on the television.
"It's reported that the mayor made a plot with San Diego several months
ago," an announcer intoned. "The Chief of Police says he saw the mayor
leave the city as soon as it was learned that the insects were attacking.
Chief Pallock told Newsvision that he attempted to stop the mayor but was
unsuccessful."
"A bug!" Flaherty screamed. He leapt up, spilling his potato chips, as
a lone cockroach scurried across the prison floor.
"Stomp on it!" Frankie yelled.
Flaherty shrank fearfully against the wall of the cell as Frankie and
Harrigan bombarded the cockroach with a flurry of footstomps.
"We gotta get out of here," Marvin said worriedly.
ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!! ATTENTION!!!
by ian shires
This is to announce the very first issue on computer of my famous Self
Publisher! newspaper. There will be a duty of every of every small
presser to support this zine, because I intend to review EVERYONE when I
get around to it and because I want to be rich and famuos some day and
will be working as the head of Marvel comics or better yet...as the head
of the international DIMESTORE company with low-priced comics designed to
serve the pocektbooks of even the poorest readers at only $5.95 each.
Now there is a very simple, easy way for you to support this zine:
SEND ME ADS!!!! for only $8.00 I will type your ad into this internet
zine. THis will be the cost of a full-page ad. I will make sure it takes
up a whole "page" in my zine and people will have to scroll through it in
order to get to the great, juicy reviews that lie beyond. So send me
money TODAY to make this happen for you in your life and for your
publishing company.
Now there must be guidelines regarding these ads because you know we have
some people in our small press who might try to get away with something,
known as ANDREW ROLLER! You never know what he might try to advertise, or
more specifically HOW he might try to advertise it.
NO NUDITY!!! No lining up those little dots and commas and shit in order
to create a nude woman!!! (or someone younger!) Also,
NO SWEAR WORDS!! This includes printing "normal" words in an offensive
manner, such as "NAKED CHILDREN!" This will not be allowed in my
publication, and for good reason, because we all remember in 1987 when
Roller was visited by the F.B.I.!
I have struggled mightily to bring you the verry best in small press
news, reviews and entertainment, publishing at least once every other year
since 1986, this despite my lifelong affliction with dyslexia. This
despite the fact that when I am earning a million dollars at Marvel
someday they will hand me my check and it will look to me as if it reads
000000000.1c
How I have suffered to continue on with this great tradition of
self-publishing. My wife left me, my basement office flooded, and my
parents forced me to move out of the house! Yet I have toiled on, to
bring you the very finest publication known to man and woman. SEND YOUR
MONEY RIGHT AWAY!
Ian Shires, President, Chairman, CEO--DIMESTORE STORIES
# # #
Marvin sat musing. Elsa sat next to him, hunched over, watching the
television as it went through an endless litany of repeating news clips.
Nearby Frankie and Harrigan stood guard against the occasional cockroach
that appeared inside their prison cell. Flaherty crouched in a corner,
whining fearfully about the insects; interrupting that monologue to
complain about the absence of their evening meal.
Marvin used to carry a book around with him that he would use to start
fires. He would tear out several pages and use them to kindle the
fledgling flame. A few times he made an effort to read the remaining
pages when he was bored and had nothing to do. He told Elsa about what he
had read once or twice, but she dismissed it as utter nonsense.
The book claimed that man once lived on a ball of dirt that floated in
nothingness. Instead of an elaborate network of corridors, the universe
was said to be nearly empty, with only an occasional planet or star to be
found. Even Marvin couldn't buy that. He knew that the stars were like
furnaces in a house, and any planet like a cellar coal bin. The idea that
there were once furnaces and coal bins floating around in emptiness
without the house was ludicrous.
Of course, there had been a war, and much of the "house" still lay in
darkness. Here and there a city had constituted itself amidst the
corridors, its citizens clustering around the bright blaze of its restored
electrical supply. Ontario, the city of Marvin's birth, and the city
which now held him prisoner, was a tumultuous place, torn by civil strife.
The Oligarchy which had held Ontario in a tight grip for decades was
rapidly losing ground to the restless, impoverished masses. Everyone
agreed that what was needed was a strong leader who could reunite the
people and restore Ontario's past glory; when it had held San Diego as a
subject state.
Marvin's reverie was interrupted by the noise of a crowd breaking into
the offices at the end of the hall. A mob of people came down the
corridor, unlocking the prison cells as they went.
"Run, friends," a man shouted as he freed Marvin and the others.
NEXT: Corpse Catharsis
h o l y j o e O N T H E L A W
Third Party Beneficiary Contracts
Let us say that I am a bachelor living in a house by myself, and a
pervert. (I thought this was a given, but since some people in the small
press can't tell the difference between a paid for ad and a paid for
subscription, it bears repeating.) Across from me is the farm of Farmer
Shires. Shires, being a moral man, but not excessively moral, decides he
can make more money from his cornfield if he turns it into a drive-in,
outdoor adult movie theatre.
Shires contracts with the Corrigan Construction Company to build him an
outdoor adult theatre. I discover that, when the theatre is built, I will
have a clear, unrestricted view of the movie screen from my bedroom
window. This is a benefit to me.
Corrigan fails to build the adult theatre. Can I sue Corrigan for the
loss I have suffered?
HOLY, C.J. (gives the answer): There are three types of third party
beneficiaries in THE LAW. There is the "creditor beneficiary," the "donee
beneficiary," and the "incidental beneficiary."
First, there is the "creditor beneficiary." I owe William Dockery
$300.00. On my way to pay the debt to William, I bump into Ian Shires.
Ian: "I have a hot date tonight, but I am broke. However, I get paid
tomorrow morning. May I borrow some money to take out my girlfriend?"
Me: "Well, I was just on my way to pay William this $300.00 that I owe
him. However, I will give you the use of it, if you promise to pay
$300.00 to William tomorrow (for me)."
Ian agrees, and has a wonderful date. However, when tomorrow comes he
fails to pay William the $300.00 May William sue Ian for the $300.00?
Yes! In this situation William is known as a "creditor beneficiary."
Even though he had nothing to do with the contract between myself and Ian,
he may nonetheless sue Ian for the $300.00 (that I myself owed to
William).
The next sort of beneficiary is the "donee beneficiary." I buy a Life
Insurance policy from the Gay Men's Life Insurance Company. I tell them,
"If I die, pay the proceeds of this policy to one Lynn Hansen." I
subsequently die. The Gay Men's Life Insurance Company refuses to pay out
the proceeds of the policy, saying that I masturbated myself to death.
May Lynn sue the Insurance Company?
Yes! In this situation Lynn is known as a "donee beneficiary." Even
though he had nothing to do with the contract between myself and the
Insurance Company (assume, for instance, that he didn't even find out
about the policy until after I died), he may nonetheless sue the Company
for the proceeds of the policy.
Now let us consider the "incidental beneficiary." It is purely
incidental that I would have benefited from the adult movie theatre.
Farmer Shires has no control over who lives across the street from him.
Anyone could have lived across the street from him. The contract between
Farmer Shires and Corrigan was never made with me in mind. Hence, I am
merely an "incidental beneficiary" of the contract between Corrigan and
Farmer Shires. If I sue Corrigan for not building the theatre, I will
lose.
HOLMES, CARDOZO, and ROLLER concur. WILSON was in the bathroom and did
not participate.
NOTE: The premier issue of Comic Update is posted on
alt.comics.alternative. It is the issue for May 10th. It consists of
three parts: COMIC UPDATE (Part One), COMIC UPDATE (PART TWO), and COMIC
UPDATE (PART THREE OF THREE).
The second issue of Comic Update is posted on
rec.arts.comics.alternative, otherwise known as Alternative
(non-mainstream) comic books. This second issue bears the subject heading
of: Comic Update, May 11, 1995 (Matt Feazell, Wilson the Bum).
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NAUGHTY NAKED DREAMGIRLS Sex kittens in compromising positions.
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are urged to contribute frequently!
THE ORATOR Militant views by misguided mortals.
END OF TRANSMISSION