30 Years of Legion of Net.Heroes (1992-2022)!
And we're back in the past and can check the eyrie archive
Here's where you can find the whole Integrity Quest and well as
Amabel Holland's very nice Integrity Quest Companion, which is
well worth a read:
We have the some more Integrity Quest parts.
First off, another part by Doug P. Wojtowicz -- will Lost Cause Boy
and Kid Anarky be able to save those disgusting fanboys before
Panta slices them all up!?
And next, we have Hubert Bartels -- Will all that Fanboy blood cause
Lost Cause Boy's comic book collection to lose some of its value?!
And lastly, some more Doug P. Wojtowicz -- And will anyone save the
anti-mutant mob before it can lynch some -- what? Oh, the anti-mutant
lynch mob are the bad guys -- okay, that makes sense! Nevermind...
Anyways, let's read...
| | Classic
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| | ____ ____ _ ____ ___
| |__ |  | |  | | | |  | | _ \
|____| \__] \__ | |_| \__/ |_|\_\
|_| OF NET.HEROES
Integrity Quest Part Three
I N T E G R I T Y Q U E S T
Reprinting the Integrity Quest books from 1993
In which a group of fanboys takes a dislike to our
heroine, there are meaningless displays of powers
and Typo Lad is introduced for a cameo.
Subject: Re: LNH: The coming of a hero
Net.Patrol: In the beginning..
Subject: Re: A waif at the LNH door
Net.Patrol: Heroes Assembled
Panta recoiled as the fanboy suddenly took a step forwards. The smell of
Cheetos on his breath and the whimpering wheeze from his chest was annoying her
senses. She was about to slice him into Julianne fangeek when a column of
comic books came slamming down onto the head of the Fanboy. For a moment, it
looked like the entire runs of Justice League International and Europe up
until the end of the Breakdowns, but she was distracted from studying the
issues as two people, one in a creased blue bodysuit, a sleeveless black
trenchcoat with a red circled 'A' on the lapel, and red-rimmed
black-tinted goggles, and the other, dressed in a motley mutating version
of what seemed to be everyone's costume came sliding down the side of the
stack of comics.
Lost Cause Boy looked at the squashed fanboy and sneered.
"Justice (League) is served."
"Who are you?" Panta asked.
"Two other waifs at the LNH door. However, we don't fill spandex with quite
the same quality as you," LCB said with a wry grin (tm).
"I don't wear spandex." interjected Kid Anarky. The others ignored him.
"Do you come to taunt me?" Panta asked.
"Nope, we come to get a storyline going. We were wondering if you'd like to
come along," Anarky said, glad that he didn't wear a spandex costume, as
his trousers was starting to grow tight in the crotch region. Anarky
glanced towards LCB, who'd wisely solidified the briefs of his everchanging
costume into the Iron Man briefs from the old grey armor days. "Ya know,
for the TnA factor."
Everyone present suddenly froze as they awaited the Panta's reply...
Subject: LNH: Panta: And then no one played!
Net.Patrol: AND THEN NO ONE PLAYED
The scene was the wide steps of the Hall of Legion Net Heroes, a palace
of sorts for budding superheros and angst-ridden Punisher clones. There
was a small crowd standing around 2 men in masks, a muscular one in a
ever-mutating costume, the other in a black trenchcoat, and a leopard girl
in a very tight bodysuit. Off to one side was a immense pile of moldering back
issues of Justice League International and Europe. A single pasty white
hand with a Wolverine digital wristwatch could be seen poking from the bottom
of the pile.
Lost Cause Boy tore his eyes away from Panta's heaving breast...
figure to study the tall bronze doors of the Hall. Then his feet. Or Kid
Anarky, anywhere, so his thoughts would not pound, pound, pound like his
rapidly beating heart. He opened his satchel and the stack of JLI comics
vanished inside, shedding the fanboy's blood as they flew.
Kid Anarky studied his partner carefully.
[Did you read all those back issues yet? Boy, you're missing all the little
in jokes and hints if you haven't. - the Editors]
"A storyline?" Panta asked with heaving breast, er chest. "Don't
we need a >>>WRITER<<< for a story line?"
Kid Anarky's face fell. "Yes, actually a WRITER is required. In a
pinch, an ARTIST could be used, but you lose the story in splash pages
revealing how well the artist can draw clenched fists and determined faces."
Panta scratched her furry chin with her index finger claw. "Wouldn't
an editor be almost the same thing as a writer?"
Kid Anarky and Lost Cause Boy stared at her, their mouths open in
horror. "An editor!" Kid Anarky said. "Editors can be the [***** This
section was removed to keep this comic in compliance with the standards
of the Comics Code Authority - the Editors.] vicious nasty pointy nasty
teeth..." he said, demonstrating by placing his hand in front of his mouth
and wiggling his fingers.
Panta stared at Kid Anarky with horror. "That's the most disgusting
vile, evil thing I've ever heard. And I've heard all sorts of things in
the sewers and tunnels..."
"The tunnels?" Lost Cause Boy began.
Panta swept around and placed her hands on her very shapely hips.
"And where do you think mutants come from? They just don't drop out of the
sky, you know."
"Writers," Kid Anarky prompted. "We were talking about writers."
"And we've covered four pages so far with no violence," Lost
Cause Boy added.
From down the street a faint murmuring noise began to be heard.
Panta flicked an ear in that direction, but then turned back to the two
Net Heros. "Writers, where can we find a writer?"
"Bars" suggested a fanboy. "Or jails."
"Television talk shows," added another fanboy.
"Awwh, you're full of it," the first fanboy said. "You mean
television commercials, don't you." He made a fist. "Don't you!"
The noise came closer. It sounded like the march of a thousand
feet, the cries and shouts of a thousand voices. Panta flicked an ear
at the noise and then returned to looking at the two fanboys. They were
just about to throw punches at each other when they looked up. Then they
ran down the street. The rest of the crowd vanished as rapidly.
Panta turned to see what had spooked everyone. Coming up the
street was a protest march, armed with brooms and sticks and banners
reading 'Death to Mutants' and 'Mutants must die!!!!' Arms flexed in
fists of rage. The marchers carried shotguns and baseball bats and
nunchakus and babies. The banners waved back and forth.
Panta's eyes flashed momentarily four times normal size; her
pupils reduced to tiny dots.
"Why did you do that?" Lost Cause Boy said, puzzled. "Your eyes..."
Panta wiped her eyes and turned. "Oh that. If you work in
Manga too long, you learn to 'boggle'. Sorry about that." She turned
back to look at the oncoming crowd. "I think we'd better go. And
"Why they are so angry?" Kid Anarky asked. "You'd think that
with all the superheros around, they'd get used to mutants and stuff."
Panta started to move to the Legion of Net Hero's Hall's door's
handles. "It's in all the X books. People always hate mutants. They
always think we're going to involve them in crimes and disasters and
fights and plane wrecks and political debates and such." She started
pulling on the handle bars.
The crowd came closer. The three could hear the angry muttering
of the leaders, 'Kill the muties, kill the muties, kill the muties.'
A tomato flew past them and thudded against the door. Then another,
followed by assorted fruits and vegetables. Panta pulled harder on the
Hall's door. "I think it's stuck or something. Help me..."
The crowd rushed the steps of the Hall.
[Will our heros escape? Where did Panta come from? Where can they find
a writer? Read our next issue, "AND THEN THERE WAS ONLY ONE!"]
Lost Cause Boy (tm) Douglas P. Wojtowicz
Kid Anarky (tm) Stephane Savoie
Panta (hoping to get a tm) Hubert Bartels
Subject: Ack! Mutant cliches.
Net.Patrol: Ack! Mutant cliches!
Lost Cause Boy blanched as he glanced towards the milling crowd, chanting and
protesting the presence of the mutant Panta. Kid Anarky smiled in a demented
manner and crunched his knuckles. LCB rapidly sifted through his stacks of
X-Men and Captain Americas from the Claremont eras, and doing a nice red, white
and blue costume change, struck a dramatic pose bringing the anti-mutant mob
to a halt.
They glanced at him. "Cripes. It's another one of them damn red-white and
blue heroes coming to preach us to sleep. Kill him before he speaks."
Rats, though LCB. The obvious comic book cliche won't work. But that didn't
worry LCB as Kid Anarky got a huge Scottish claymore and was rapidly sharpening
the blade on a rotating whetstone, sparks flying everywhere.
"WAITAMINNIT!!! What the hell is wrong with you folks?" LCB spoke up. "You're
going to lynch talent like her?"
"Hunh" went the anti-mutant mob.
"Man, if anything, I'd be drooling to get my photograph taken with her. She's
a babe beyond babes. If she was a president, she'd be Babraham Lincoln. If
she was luxury car, she'd be a Chrysler La Baberon. Man are you guys stupid."
"Okay, we'll only lynch you," the anti-mutant mob said. "Damn mutant."
"But I'm not a mutant," LCB said. "Neither is Anarky."
"I don't think they care." Anarky asked, whispering in LCB's ear, his
sharpened sword gleeming.
"Then what are ya?" said one the one of the mobbers.
"We are four color abstractions of personalities and representations of
abstract concepts of such things as truth and justice and all that other
crap. Just as you are the opposite of said." explained Kid Anarky,
leaning his Claymore on the ground.
"Yes. In fact, you're less than abstractions. You're merely stereotypes.
As such, you have no solid basis in even Net.world, being creatures of
less than ideas. You simply do not exist."
The anti-mutant mob started arguing amoungst themselves, LCB smirking.
Panta held up her hand, the long, lithe, slender curves of her flank moving
with fluid ease. "Uh, aren't we supposed to be needing a writer?"
"But that is the storyline. We're searching for the one true writer. Writer-
with-Integrity! Who is a captive victim of some evil, demonic force..."
"How'd you know that?" Anarky asked.
"Eh, I've got friends in high spaces, and between issues, I peeked at his
notes," LCB said. "But there is one other being whose power is what we need
to free the Writer-With-Integrity. The being with the most awesome abilities
in the known universe..."
The sky grew dark, clouds gathering, lightning crackling.
"But I thought he was dead," Anarky said. He winked and whispered something
only an LNH reader could hear. "Psst! Hey! Time to cue the Typo Lad
* * * *
He lay, a broken, shattered, slimed form in the middle of Action Lord's
sewer of death. Typo Lad had been crushed in the daring escape that
allowed Lurking Lass and Rebel Yell to escape. But now, his awesome
powers of creative typos were working to ressurect this indominable being.
Typo Lad is dead while Youngblood lives.
Typo Lad if wed whines huns would wizz.
Typo Lad in bed wakes to buns and cheese.
Typo Lad looked at the breakfast in bed tray with the Cinnamon minibuns
and cheddar cheese on the tray. "Ikk. Ey'ld betre pik mey tyypoes aa litel
moor kerefly naixt tyme."
He picked up the morning newspaper and looked through it at the headlines.
LOST CAUSE BOY ASSEMBLES DARING RESCUE TEAM TO RETRIEVE WRITER-WITH-INTEGRITY.
He looked at the photo and his eyes popped out of his skull, a wild take worthy
of Ren Hoek, as he saw Panta.
"Wow, wotta baybe!! Eye'ld betre gett ovre thair und cee wutt caan bea dun
abaoott res-Q-ing Ryder-wit-Integerti. Yeh, dat's et!"
Lost Cause Boy was portrayed by Douglas P. Wojtowicz.
Typo Lad was parlayed by Scavenger.
Anarky was waylaid by Stephane Savoie.
Panta was just-plain laid by Hubert Bartels.
To be continued...
Next Week: Some more Integrity Quest!!!!
Arthur "Same Classic Channel. But Same Time? Probably not." Spitzer