Google Groups no longer supports new Usenet posts or subscriptions. Historical content remains viewable.
Dismiss
LNH20: The Cat Lady #4 (of 4)
2 views
Skip to first unread message
Martin Phipps
May 4, 2012, 12:20:14 PM5/4/12
to
The Cat Lady #4 (of 4)
Fido
Mikey walked up to the Cat Lady’s door and knocked. The Cat Lady
opened the door and saw Mikey holding up a cute little Yorkshire
Terrier puppy.
“Please, Ma’am,” he said. “Our dog just had six puppies. Could you
please take one? We can’t take care of seven dogs.”
The Cat Lady shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I already
have cats.”
“It’s okay”, Mikey said. “This breed of dog is no bigger than a
cat, maybe even a bit smaller. The cats will probably just accept him
as one of their own.”
The Cat Lady nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll take him and see how
the cats react. Do you want to come in?”
“Alright,” Mikey said. He walked in with the dog. “Wow!”, he
said. “You have a lot of cats!”
“At least fifty,” she said, not sure of the exact number. “Here,
let me take him. What’s he called?”
“It’s up to you,” Mikey said, handing her the dog.
“Alright,” the Cat Lady said, holding up the dog in the air above
her head, “I’ll call you Fido. So, Fido, let’s see how the others
react to you being here.” She put the dog down in the middle of the
room.
Mikey and the Cat Lady watched the cats. They seemed to take no
notice of the dog. Some cats would stare at the dog for a while and
then move on and appear to not care.
“It doesn’t seem to be a problem,” the Cat Lady said.
“So you’ll keep him?” Mikey asked.
“Sure!”
“Great!” Mikey gave her thumbs up. “Now we just need to give away
the others.”
“Hmm,” the Cat Lady said. “If the cats don’t mind maybe I’ll take
them all.”
“Really?” Mikey asked.
“Maybe,” the Cat Lady said. “Let me think about it.”
“Great!” Mikey said. “I’ll ask some of the other neighbors if they
want puppies first though.”
“Sure.”
“Okay!” Mikey said. “See you!”
“Goodbye!” said the Cat Lady as Mikey left.
The Cat Lady took another look at her cats. Sure enough they seemed
unconcerned by Fido’s presence. She decided to go to her room and get
ready for bed.
As the evening wore on, however, the cats were taking more and more
notice of the dog as they gradually caught on to the fact that this
animal was not one of their kind. Soon Fido found himself in the
middle of the room surrounded by cats on all sides staring at him. He
felt somewhat intimidated and reacted by urinating on the floor.
Now this was exactly what Fido should NOT have done: male cats and
dogs mark their territory by urinating; they want to ensure that it’s
their odor that other cats and dogs can smell and here was this
strange newcomer urinating in the middle of their living room! The
cats all started to meow angrily and some even started to make sissing
noises.
The Cat Lady, in her bedroom, heard all the meowing coming from the
living room. She quickly put on a robe, went back into the living
room and snatched up Fido. She took Fido outside and headed towards
the home that belonged to Mikey’s parents.
The Cat Lady rang their door bell. Mikey’s mother answered the
door.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m afraid I can’t take this dog after
all. The cats are all angry with him.”
“I see,” Mikey’s mother said as she took the dog from her.. “Well,
I’m not surprised, really,” she said. “Cats and dogs don’t usually
get along.”
“Normally the cats will welcome new animals but he being the only
dog…”
Mikey’s mother nodded. “Honey,” she said, referring to her
husband. “Mikey wasn’t able to give away any of the dogs.”
Mikey’s father stepped forward. “So what are we going to do?”
“I guess we’ll have to keep them all after all.”
Mikey’s father nodded. “Alright,” he said, “but as soon as I have
time I am going to get the males fixed.”
“Fixed?” the Cat Lady asked.
“Yes, fixed,” Mikey’s mother said. “Aren’t your cats fixed?”
“What does that mean?”
“I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
removed,” Mikey’s father said.
“My God,” the Cat Lady said.
“So if your animals aren’t fixed,” Mikey’s mother said, “they’ll be
having kittens.”
“Of course,” the Cat lady said.
“How many cats do you have?” Mikey’s mother asked.
“Over fifty.”
The jaw of Mikey’s father dropped. “Alright then. I’m not going to
work tomorrow. I’ll take the day off and try to get the vet to see
them all tomorrow morning.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?” the Cat Lady asked.
Mikey’s mother smiled weakly. “It’s going to be hard to take care
of seven dogs. We could never take care of fifty animals!”
“I see,” the Cat Lady said.
“Look,” Mikey’s mother said, “I know it’s a bit late but perhaps
you’d like some coffee…?”
“No no no,” the Cat Lady said quickly. “That’s fine. I can’t leave
my cats alone for too long.”
“I understand,” Mikey’s mother said. “Anyway, I appreciate you
taking the time to bring this one back yourself.”
“Not at all,” the Cat Lady said, “but I really should get going!”
“Of course,” Mikey’s mother said. “Bye bye!”
“Goodbye!” the Cat Lady said.
As the Cat Lady walked home, she thought about Mikey’s parents and
what they planned to do to their dogs. They seemed like nice enough
people... but this “fixing” business! If anybody needed fixing it was
the human race! The Cat Lady was now more determined than ever to see
Ultravac take over the world so that she could live in a world where
animals would not be mutilated in such a way!
THE END
Okay, I wrote this one after my wife called to tell me that a friend
of hers was giving away rabbits and that she wants one. I'm not sure
how the cats are going to react to a rabbit but if it is anything like
the way they react to birds, lizards or large insects it is going to
involve a lot of meowing and perhaps a bit of sissing. I don't think
it's a good idea.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stop these at four because I don't see
how I can write stories about cats every week. In fact, this one
wasn't so much about cats but about a dog.
Martin
Fido
Mikey walked up to the Cat Lady’s door and knocked. The Cat Lady
opened the door and saw Mikey holding up a cute little Yorkshire
Terrier puppy.
“Please, Ma’am,” he said. “Our dog just had six puppies. Could you
please take one? We can’t take care of seven dogs.”
The Cat Lady shook her head. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but I already
have cats.”
“It’s okay”, Mikey said. “This breed of dog is no bigger than a
cat, maybe even a bit smaller. The cats will probably just accept him
as one of their own.”
The Cat Lady nodded. “Okay,” she said. “I’ll take him and see how
the cats react. Do you want to come in?”
“Alright,” Mikey said. He walked in with the dog. “Wow!”, he
said. “You have a lot of cats!”
“At least fifty,” she said, not sure of the exact number. “Here,
let me take him. What’s he called?”
“It’s up to you,” Mikey said, handing her the dog.
“Alright,” the Cat Lady said, holding up the dog in the air above
her head, “I’ll call you Fido. So, Fido, let’s see how the others
react to you being here.” She put the dog down in the middle of the
room.
Mikey and the Cat Lady watched the cats. They seemed to take no
notice of the dog. Some cats would stare at the dog for a while and
then move on and appear to not care.
“It doesn’t seem to be a problem,” the Cat Lady said.
“So you’ll keep him?” Mikey asked.
“Sure!”
“Great!” Mikey gave her thumbs up. “Now we just need to give away
the others.”
“Hmm,” the Cat Lady said. “If the cats don’t mind maybe I’ll take
them all.”
“Really?” Mikey asked.
“Maybe,” the Cat Lady said. “Let me think about it.”
“Great!” Mikey said. “I’ll ask some of the other neighbors if they
want puppies first though.”
“Sure.”
“Okay!” Mikey said. “See you!”
“Goodbye!” said the Cat Lady as Mikey left.
The Cat Lady took another look at her cats. Sure enough they seemed
unconcerned by Fido’s presence. She decided to go to her room and get
ready for bed.
As the evening wore on, however, the cats were taking more and more
notice of the dog as they gradually caught on to the fact that this
animal was not one of their kind. Soon Fido found himself in the
middle of the room surrounded by cats on all sides staring at him. He
felt somewhat intimidated and reacted by urinating on the floor.
Now this was exactly what Fido should NOT have done: male cats and
dogs mark their territory by urinating; they want to ensure that it’s
their odor that other cats and dogs can smell and here was this
strange newcomer urinating in the middle of their living room! The
cats all started to meow angrily and some even started to make sissing
noises.
The Cat Lady, in her bedroom, heard all the meowing coming from the
living room. She quickly put on a robe, went back into the living
room and snatched up Fido. She took Fido outside and headed towards
the home that belonged to Mikey’s parents.
The Cat Lady rang their door bell. Mikey’s mother answered the
door.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m afraid I can’t take this dog after
all. The cats are all angry with him.”
“I see,” Mikey’s mother said as she took the dog from her.. “Well,
I’m not surprised, really,” she said. “Cats and dogs don’t usually
get along.”
“Normally the cats will welcome new animals but he being the only
dog…”
Mikey’s mother nodded. “Honey,” she said, referring to her
husband. “Mikey wasn’t able to give away any of the dogs.”
Mikey’s father stepped forward. “So what are we going to do?”
“I guess we’ll have to keep them all after all.”
Mikey’s father nodded. “Alright,” he said, “but as soon as I have
time I am going to get the males fixed.”
“Fixed?” the Cat Lady asked.
“Yes, fixed,” Mikey’s mother said. “Aren’t your cats fixed?”
“What does that mean?”
“I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
removed,” Mikey’s father said.
“My God,” the Cat Lady said.
“So if your animals aren’t fixed,” Mikey’s mother said, “they’ll be
having kittens.”
“Of course,” the Cat lady said.
“How many cats do you have?” Mikey’s mother asked.
“Over fifty.”
The jaw of Mikey’s father dropped. “Alright then. I’m not going to
work tomorrow. I’ll take the day off and try to get the vet to see
them all tomorrow morning.”
“Are you sure you want to do that?” the Cat Lady asked.
Mikey’s mother smiled weakly. “It’s going to be hard to take care
of seven dogs. We could never take care of fifty animals!”
“I see,” the Cat Lady said.
“Look,” Mikey’s mother said, “I know it’s a bit late but perhaps
you’d like some coffee…?”
“No no no,” the Cat Lady said quickly. “That’s fine. I can’t leave
my cats alone for too long.”
“I understand,” Mikey’s mother said. “Anyway, I appreciate you
taking the time to bring this one back yourself.”
“Not at all,” the Cat Lady said, “but I really should get going!”
“Of course,” Mikey’s mother said. “Bye bye!”
“Goodbye!” the Cat Lady said.
As the Cat Lady walked home, she thought about Mikey’s parents and
what they planned to do to their dogs. They seemed like nice enough
people... but this “fixing” business! If anybody needed fixing it was
the human race! The Cat Lady was now more determined than ever to see
Ultravac take over the world so that she could live in a world where
animals would not be mutilated in such a way!
THE END
Okay, I wrote this one after my wife called to tell me that a friend
of hers was giving away rabbits and that she wants one. I'm not sure
how the cats are going to react to a rabbit but if it is anything like
the way they react to birds, lizards or large insects it is going to
involve a lot of meowing and perhaps a bit of sissing. I don't think
it's a good idea.
Anyway, I think I'm going to stop these at four because I don't see
how I can write stories about cats every week. In fact, this one
wasn't so much about cats but about a dog.
Martin
Scott Eiler
May 5, 2012, 6:01:02 PM5/5/12
to
"Spaying humans to save the cats" is just the cutest supervillain motivation I've ever seen.
So far, Cat Lady has my vote for Best New Series 2012.
Sent from my HTC Touch Pro2 on the Now Network from Sprint®.
react to you being here.” She put the dog down in the middle of the...
[The entire original message is not included]
So far, Cat Lady has my vote for Best New Series 2012.
Sent from my HTC Touch Pro2 on the Now Network from Sprint®.
[The entire original message is not included]
Andrew Perron
May 20, 2012, 3:35:54 PM5/20/12
to
Blaaaaaaah. Okay gotta catch up on responding to stuff.
On Fri, 4 May 2012 16:20:14 +0000 (UTC), Martin Phipps wrote:
> “It’s okay”, Mikey said. “This breed of dog is no bigger than a
> cat, maybe even a bit smaller. The cats will probably just accept him
> as one of their own.”
Somehow, I don't think this small boy is a qualified animal behaviorist!
(...behavioralist? I dunno.)
> Soon Fido found himself in the
> middle of the room surrounded by cats on all sides staring at him. He
> felt somewhat intimidated and reacted by urinating on the floor.
> Now this was exactly what Fido should NOT have done: male cats and
> dogs mark their territory by urinating; they want to ensure that it’s
> their odor that other cats and dogs can smell and here was this
> strange newcomer urinating in the middle of their living room!
This sequence, especially, feels like a kids' book, with its explicatory,
educational tone.
> “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m afraid I can’t take this dog after
> all. The cats are all angry with him.”
> “I see,” Mikey’s mother said as she took the dog from her.. “Well,
> I’m not surprised, really,” she said. “Cats and dogs don’t usually
> get along.”
Ya see, Mikey? >:/
> Mikey’s father nodded. “Alright,” he said, “but as soon as I have
> time I am going to get the males fixed.”
> “Fixed?” the Cat Lady asked.
> “Yes, fixed,” Mikey’s mother said. “Aren’t your cats fixed?”
> “What does that mean?”
> “I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
> removed,” Mikey’s father said.
Meep. I think it's just more like going in and taking out a couple of
inside connections. o.o;
> Anyway, I think I'm going to stop these at four because I don't see
> how I can write stories about cats every week. In fact, this one
> wasn't so much about cats but about a dog.
Haha, good point. `-`; This one was probably the weakest of the four, but
still, good work.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, oh deer.
On Fri, 4 May 2012 16:20:14 +0000 (UTC), Martin Phipps wrote:
> “It’s okay”, Mikey said. “This breed of dog is no bigger than a
> cat, maybe even a bit smaller. The cats will probably just accept him
> as one of their own.”
(...behavioralist? I dunno.)
> Soon Fido found himself in the
> middle of the room surrounded by cats on all sides staring at him. He
> felt somewhat intimidated and reacted by urinating on the floor.
> Now this was exactly what Fido should NOT have done: male cats and
> dogs mark their territory by urinating; they want to ensure that it’s
> their odor that other cats and dogs can smell and here was this
> strange newcomer urinating in the middle of their living room!
educational tone.
> “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m afraid I can’t take this dog after
> all. The cats are all angry with him.”
> “I see,” Mikey’s mother said as she took the dog from her.. “Well,
> I’m not surprised, really,” she said. “Cats and dogs don’t usually
> get along.”
> Mikey’s father nodded. “Alright,” he said, “but as soon as I have
> time I am going to get the males fixed.”
> “Fixed?” the Cat Lady asked.
> “Yes, fixed,” Mikey’s mother said. “Aren’t your cats fixed?”
> “What does that mean?”
> “I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
> removed,” Mikey’s father said.
inside connections. o.o;
> Anyway, I think I'm going to stop these at four because I don't see
> how I can write stories about cats every week. In fact, this one
> wasn't so much about cats but about a dog.
still, good work.
Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, oh deer.
Scott Eiler
May 20, 2012, 8:15:38 PM5/20/12
to
On 5/20/2012 12:35 PM, Andrew Perron wrote:
> Blaaaaaaah. Okay gotta catch up on responding to stuff.
>
> Blaaaaaaah. Okay gotta catch up on responding to stuff.
>
>> “I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
>> removed,” Mikey’s father said.
>
> Meep. I think it's just more like going in and taking out a couple of
> inside connections. o.o;
I know that, and you know that, and Martin knows that. But Mikey's
>> removed,” Mikey’s father said.
>
> Meep. I think it's just more like going in and taking out a couple of
> inside connections. o.o;
father doesn't know that, and the Cat Lady thinks it's all just wrong
anyway. -snip- >:C
>> Anyway, I think I'm going to stop these at four because I don't see
>> how I can write stories about cats every week. In fact, this one
>> wasn't so much about cats but about a dog.
>
> Haha, good point. `-`; This one was probably the weakest of the four, but
> still, good work.
>
> Andrew "NO .SIG MAN" "Juan" Perron, oh deer.
Lady's motivation. Cat Lady 2012!
--
(signed) Scott Eiler 8{D> -------- http://www.eilertech.com/ ---------
Let's take a look, if you will, at the Second Amendment of the
Constitution, which protects every American's right to shoot another
American. This cherished constitutional right to shoot people and make
them dead is currently recognized in all fifty states, most recently
Florida.
- The Borowitz Report
(http://www.borowitzreport.com/2012/03/29/an-argument-against-healthcare/),
March 2012.
Martin Phipps
May 21, 2012, 1:33:31 AM5/21/12
to
On 5月21日, 上午3時35分, Andrew Perron <pwer...@gmail.com> wrote:
> Blaaaaaaah. Okay gotta catch up on responding to stuff.
>
> On Fri, 4 May 2012 16:20:14 +0000 (UTC), Martin Phipps wrote:
> > Mikeyÿs father nodded. ´Alright,¡ he said, ´but as soon as I have
> Blaaaaaaah. Okay gotta catch up on responding to stuff.
>
> On Fri, 4 May 2012 16:20:14 +0000 (UTC), Martin Phipps wrote:
> > time I am going to get the males fixed.¡
> > ´Fixed?¡ the Cat Lady asked.
> > ´Yes, fixed,¡ Mikeyÿs mother said. ´Arenÿt your cats fixed?¡
> > ´Fixed?¡ the Cat Lady asked.
> > ´What does that mean?¡
> > ´I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
> > removed,¡ Mikeyÿs father said.
> > ´I assume it means that they are going to have their penises
>
> Meep. I think it's just more like going in and taking out a couple of
> inside connections. o.o;
Yes but I didn't always know that. I remember when I told my wife
> Meep. I think it's just more like going in and taking out a couple of
> inside connections. o.o;
that Jacky should be fixed. She said "Fixed? What do you mean?" and
I said that his penis would be removed and she said "But then how will
he go wee wee?" and I said "How do you go wee wee? You don't have a
penis." Anyway, when I went to the vet the receptionsist asked me in
Chinese what was wrong with Jacky so I told her in Chinese (because I
didn't know how else to say it) that I wanted his penis removed. It
wasn't until I took Jacky home that I noticed the stiches on his ball
sack and released that he actually got a vasectomy.
The funny thing is that a few weeks ago I saw Angela rubbing up
against Jacky and Jacky had a pained look on his face. Angela even
squated down in front of him and stuck her rear up and Jacky even
mounted her but he just couldn't get in the mood. Poor thing. Then
again, we've got enough kittens already. We don't need any more.
Martin
0 new messages