The Similarrion, Episode 4: Of Ollie and Havana
JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein
Now the Valor knew well that the Kids of Erúvatar would
awaken after long ages. These would be the Elder, or
Firstborn, and the Atari, or Just-Passing-Through. The
Valor saw in the Music that the Elder would be like unto
themselves, and be deathless while Harda lasts. But
Erúvatar gave the Atari a new gift, called "snuffing it,"
by which they would leave the Circles of the World and
go whither the Valor did not know, for it was none of
their beeswax.
But Ollie grew impatient for the coming of the Kids of Erúvatar,
for he wished to have apprentices whom he could teach and
who would grovel before him. So he created the Seven
Dwarfs. But just then, Erúvatar happened along, and
said, "What’s all this then? What's with the little bearded
guys? Who's the Creator here, thou or I?" And Ollie replied,
"Oops, my bad! Let me crush the little things." And Ollie
picked up a huge hammer, to smite the Seven Dwarfs into
little tiny pieces of flesh and blood and bone and cartilege.
But Erúvatar said, "Chill, dude! For, see, I have given them
life. But I have already promised first billing to My
Firstborn, the Elder. So lullest thou them to sleep, and stick
them under some mountains in Little-Earth, and I shall
awaken them in due time. But there shall be strife aftertimes
between your Kids and Mine, for your Kids have stereotypically
Semitic traits, whilst Mine are more Northern Altaic." And Ollie
understood this not, but he did as Erúvatar said, and read to
the Seven Dwarfs from 19th-century tracts on dialectical
materialism until they were fast asleep. Then he laid them to
rest in far-sundered places.
He then opened his mouth to his spouse Havana of all that had
come to pass. Havana replied, "Erúvatar is indeed merciful,
not to have beaten thy brains in. But thy kids will have
little love for the growing things of my creation. They will
cut down trees, eat their lunch, and go to the lavatory."
And Ollie replied, "This is true as well of the Kids of Erúvatar.
They shall make steaks and burgers from thy beasts, salads from
thy vegetables, and coffee tables from the wood of thy trees."
At this Havana grew troubled, and spoke with Manlÿ atop the
high mountain Tequila. And Havana said, "Are all my works
to be under the dominion of others?" And Manlÿ replied,
"Beats me." But then Manlÿ underwent a flashback to the
Music, in which he saw a piece he had missed aforetime.
And he said to Havana, "Erúvatar has granted thy prayer.
He will make bizarre tree-creatures to shepherd the trees
of the forests, and occasionally to provide a useful plot
device when the story line begins to drag."
And Havana returned to Ollie, who was in his smithy putting
out a fire which had been started by his pupil Ollórin. And she
said to him, "Let thy little bearded kids beware, for in the
forests will dwell a power whose wrath they will arouse at
their peril."
And Ollie said, "And still they will have need of wood," and
continued spraying his smithy with a fire extinguisher.
And lo, he slept that night upon the couch.
Öjevind Lång
[snip some very funny stuff]
I enjoyed all your Similarrion, but I think these passages were the best of
all. Bravo!
Öjevind
Paris
"JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein" <tol...@mandos.val> wrote in message news:399F5C69...@mandos.val...
[snip stylish parody]
> And lo, he slept that night upon the couch.
What can I say but RotFL! Totally far out and inimitable mock-hip-archaic style. Hats off!
And that More-Goth got some seriously bad vibes, man.
Phil Edwards
I should know better than to read these parodies at work... :-) That rocked.
Dany Belinfante
JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein <tol...@mandos.val> schreef in berichtnieuws
399F5C69...@mandos.val...
>
<snip great stuff>
LOL LOL!
Dany
Wolfman
"JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein" <tol...@mandos.val> wrote in message
news:399F5C69...@mandos.val...
>
> guys? Who's the Creator here, thou or I?" And Ollie replied,
> "Oops, my bad! Let me crush the little things." And Ollie
> picked up a huge hammer, to smite the Seven Dwarfs into
> little tiny pieces of flesh and blood and bone and cartilege.
Hey! Where's Snow White? She **needs** those dwarves!
MGagne
grallon
William H. Hsu
>"JRR 'Jar-Jar' Tolkein" <tol...@mandos.val> wrote in message
>news:399F5C69...@mandos.val...
>>
>> "What's all this then? What's with the little bearded
>> guys? Who's the Creator here, thou or I?" And Ollie replied,
>> "Oops, my bad! Let me crush the little things." And Ollie
>> picked up a huge hammer, to smite the Seven Dwarfs into
>> little tiny pieces of flesh and blood and bone and cartilege.
>Hey! Where's Snow White? She **needs** those dwarves!
<deluurjk agin>
OK, I must declare that Jar-Jar's work displays rare talent and creativity.
So much so that I confess I thought the Similarrion was a work of Inkliing's!
(If you're keeping a Waiting List (tm) cf. Steuard, I'd like to take a
crack at the DNA [Dagor Nirnaeth Arnoediad], 'K?)
</deluurjk agin>
-Banazir
"Pfundgebens, eh? I think this is also suitable for
undergraduates. Three blows to the forehead with the
flat of the laptop, for those confused by the speech
ways of the lecture."
- another CS prof
Menelvagor
"MGagne" <mga...@canac.com> wrote:
> Where is # 1
<snip>
I had the same question.
The part about sleeping that night on the couch (and Eru going, "Yo
dude!") is the funniest part, IMO.
When I first read the title I was almost afraid "Ollie" might be
referring to Ollie North.
Sent via Deja.com http://www.deja.com/
Before you buy.
Menelvagor
Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> In article <3jAq5.56410$qS3.1...@tor-nn1.netcom.ca>,
> "MGagne" <mga...@canac.com> wrote:
> > Where is # 1
>
> <snip>
>
>
By searching a bit, I found it. "Repost: The Similiarrion, Episode 1:
Music of the Ire-nur," 8/20/2000.
Flame of the West
> > Where is # 1
>
> <snip>
>
> I had the same question.
The whole thing is on the Web at
http://www.geocities.com/jsolinas/FotW/index.html
Episodes 6 and 7 will be posted in the next couple of days.
--
-- FotW
"Even the Christmas vacation will be darkened by New Zealand scripts."
The Letters of JRR Tolkien, #34