Proposed FAQ entry: Are your book copies legal?
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
do is check whether all your Tolkien material is legal. Here are some
tips how to recognize unauthorized copies, and what to do if you
happen to own one.
Remember: If you keep, use or share illegal copies of Tolkien's works,
for example unauthorized e-books, you cause damage to the Tolkien
Estate, the general economy, and your immortal soul!
There are several ways how people can come into the possession of
illegal material:
* You could have downloaded an illegal e-book from a site that
offers them. These sites usually end in .ru or .cc or something
equally shady. They also install viruses on your computer.
* You could have received an illegal e-book or audiobook from a
"friend" who only meant to help. This often happens in Tolkien fan
groups or e-mail lists.
* You could have gotten a book from your local library and
forgotten to return it.
* You could have bought a paperback copy of LotR in the USA from
Ace Books in 1965. This company used a loophole in the copyright to
produce an edition not authorized by Tolkien. This action was
condemned by Tolkien personally in his letters.
* You could have murdered someone and stolen his books.
Signs to recognize illegal or stolen copies include:
* In e-books, spelling errors that obviously result from faulty
scanning and OCR.
* Viruses on your computer.
* In paper editions, missing book covers or a generally xeroxed
appearance.
* Angry letters from your library urging you to return overdue
books.
* A dedication on the first page "To Mandy on her 14th birthday"
when your name isn't Mandy and you have never been 14 years old.
* Blood stains on the cover.
If you discover an illegal copy in your possession, do not despair!
Your soul is not lost yet. If you were unwittingly handed this copy,
it is sufficient to check the actual price of this edition - in your
local bookstore or on an internet service like Amazon - and donate
three times the price to the Tolkien Estate:
Three times because you have to pay once for the actual copy, a second
time to account for inflation since you acquired it, and a third time
as punishment. Note that this is a donation, not a "retroactive
purchase"! You will still have to delete or destroy your illegal copy.
If you acquired the illegal copy knowingly, a little more punishment
is required to find redemption. You should whip yourself thoroughly
whilst chanting lines from a Tolkien book of your choice. Good whips
can be bought in any store for riding equipment, or in your local
sex / BDSM shop. They come in all prices, but you should really think
about investing some money here - a good, solid whip is a basic tool
if you want to find enlightenment and follow me on the Way of the
Prophet.
calvin
<noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> * You could have bought a paperback copy of LotR in the USA from
> Ace Books in 1965. This company used a loophole in the copyright to
> produce an edition not authorized by Tolkien. This action was
> condemned by Tolkien personally in his letters.
I own the three ACE Lord of the Rings paperbacks
and I'm totally unrepentant.
Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
<noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
I'm a bit baffled by the subject header of this message. I had thought
that MORAMBAR had made His condemnation of the AFT FAQ of Lies quite
explicit. But you don't actually use the word 'AFT" in the header, so
we may let that go for the moment. (I do, HOWEVER, find it intriguing
that you nowhere mention MORAMBAR.)
> When you want to become a real Tolkien fan, the first thing you must
> do is check whether all your Tolkien material is legal. Here are some
> tips how to recognize unauthorized copies, and what to do if you
> happen to own one.
Etc. And yes, we are presumably all in agreement that illegal copes
are bad.
I would add that only copies edited by FATS are really approved.
Ballantine Books and the rest are full of typos (you yourself have
noted errors in the published editions, and examples could be
multiplied). Only FATS editions come with a complete editorial
apparatus and schema codicum that enable the reader to know bioth what
the correct reading is, and what it means. TOLKIEN's mind is so far
above the common mind that His least utterances are pregnant with
meaning that it can take years, nay lifetimes, to apprehend.
> If you discover an illegal copy in your possession, do not despair!
> Your soul is not lost yet. If you were unwittingly handed this copy,
> it is sufficient to check the actual price of this edition - in your
> local bookstore or on an internet service like Amazon - and donate
> three times the price to the Tolkien Estate:
>
> http://www.tolkienestate.com/
No, it would be better to pay the fine to FATS (which also goes oddly
unmentioned in your article). Then you know that you are assisting the
growth of knowledge about TOLKIEN and His Mysteries. If you pay it to
the Estate, you don't know what devious lawyers and impostors might
get their paws on it.
The address for FATS is http://fats.teunc.org.
> If you acquired the illegal copy knowingly, a little more punishment
> is required to find redemption. You should whip yourself thoroughly
While merited, whipping is hardly necessary. Better to commute the
whipping into more money for FATS. Of course, it depends upon the
severity of the offense. For very serious transgressions, you should
die and leave FATS all your possessions. And, of course, be damned.
> sex / BDSM shop. They come in all prices, but you should really think
> about investing some money here - a good, solid whip is a basic tool
> if you want to find enlightenment and follow me on the Way of the
> Prophet.
Which Prophet, if you please?
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
<pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On Oct 14, 5:31 pm, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"
>
> <noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
>
> I'm a bit baffled by the subject header of this message. I had thought
> that MORAMBAR had made His condemnation of the AFT FAQ of Lies quite
> explicit. But you don't actually use the word 'AFT" in the header, so
> we may let that go for the moment. (I do, HOWEVER, find it intriguing
> that you nowhere mention MORAMBAR.)
All I am trying to do is to improve the FAQ. There are a few lies in
it, yes, but these are not the work of its creator, but rather come
from too lenient editing of FAQ entries proposed by other people -
many of them TEUNC members, I am sure. Surely not even you can dispute
that Steuard Jensen is a great man and scholar. But he can be a tad
too friendly to obvious trolls, too willing to include their dishonest
babblings in his opus magnum just to appease them. But do I see you
offer your help to this great scholar in re-working the FAQ and
filtering out these lies? No. All that comes from you is insult and
slander. My dear friend and teacher, I do not blame you - there is
obviously someone sabotaging your medication. Have you checked your
syringe? Maybe a very small heretic has crept into it and sneezes on
your anti-spam serum, so that it goes bad.
For the record, I number Mr. Jensen among the Lesser Saints, together
with other brilliant scholars, some of whom have blessed this group
with their presence; for example Carl F. Hofstetter, merciless exposer
of grammar lies in a certain TEUNC members' book, or Michael Martinez,
who taught me salsa dancing.
(Morambar is a Greater Saint, obviously, just like Christopher
Tolkien.)
> > They come in all prices, but you should really think
> > about investing some money here - a good, solid whip is a basic tool
> > if you want to find enlightenment and follow me on the Way of the
> > Prophet.
>
> Which Prophet, if you please?
Me.
Noel
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
>
> I own the three ACE Lord of the Rings paperbacks
> and I'm totally unrepentant.
Three? That's bad. Really bad. Your soul is in grave danger. If I were
you, I would give up all my worldly possession and go on a pilgrimage.
I would suggest you walk up Mount Everest backwards on your hands - I
always find this a most refreshing exercise. Things really do look
different after that. (Upside down, to be exact.)
If you still have trouble repenting after that, contact me again! I
promise I will not give up on you. I've saved worse heretics from
eternal damnation. We'll work this out somehow!
Noel
Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
<noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On 16 Okt., 23:04, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"
>
> <pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> > On Oct 14, 5:31 pm, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"
>
> > <noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
>
> > I'm a bit baffled by the subject header of this message. I had thought
> > that MORAMBAR had made His condemnation of the AFT FAQ of Lies quite
> > explicit. But you don't actually use the word 'AFT" in the header, so
> > we may let that go for the moment. (I do, HOWEVER, find it intriguing
> > that you nowhere mention MORAMBAR.)
>
> All I am trying to do is to improve the FAQ. There are a few lies in
> it, yes, but these are not the work of its creator, but rather come
> from too lenient editing of FAQ entries proposed by other people -
> many of them TEUNC members, I am sure. Surely not even you can dispute
> that Steuard Jensen is a great man and scholar. But he can be a tad
I certainly can deny he's a great scholar.
From MORAMBAR:
"Thou have
shown wisdom by taunting the so-called "FAQ" of lies, and therefore
thou
deserveths to know the truth of the matters, and with you this
blessing
shall land in this entire Newsgroup, may they honor your name
forever.
...
People of AFT and RABT!! Your masters have been misleading you, with
FAQ
of lies as their tool!
...
I have been able to concentrate in
my TRUE calling in life - to become the Ultimate Tolkien Scholar
Online(UTSO) and the Superior Tolkien Expert and Authority(STEA) of
AFT and RABT, and challence the False Prophets Jensen, Martinez,
Dunkerson."
And much more to the same effect.
The FAQ cannot be improved. We must do our own scholarship, based on
sources that have been approved by FATS experts.
And: It's too facile to blame TEUNC for everything. Theyare only
useful idiots, who couldn't even properly fake scholarship if their
lives depended on it.
> filtering out these lies? No. All that comes from you is insult and
> slander. My dear friend and teacher, I do not blame you - there is
> obviously someone sabotaging your medication. Have you checked your
> syringe? Maybe a very small heretic has crept into it and sneezes on
> your anti-spam serum, so that it goes bad.
And maybe the heretic got into your drugs and sabotaged them. I'll
have security look into it.
>
> For the record, I number Mr. Jensen among the Lesser Saints, together
> with other brilliant scholars, some of whom have blessed this group
> with their presence; for example Carl F. Hofstetter, merciless exposer
> of grammar lies in a certain TEUNC members' book, or Michael Martinez,
> who taught me salsa dancing.
Bu they're all completely uncanonical. Even Hostetter, I suspect,
though I haven't properly studied elvish lately. I recently appointed
a panel to look inot the question whether Ruth Noel's book is a pack
of lies. Her name is fishy. If you really think that Jensen et al. are
saints, we may have to consider changing the name of your department
to Falsehood--which would be an annoyance.
However, we are considering bringing in Mr. Martinez as a dance
instructor, and perhaps allso as fan fiction critic.
> (Morambar is a Greater Saint, obviously, just like Christopher
> Tolkien.)
Apart from the fact you appeaar to have imagined these "Greater, etc.
Saints out of whole cloth, this seems very insulting to poor MORAMBAR
(the Most Sapient Mouthpiece of TOLKIEN) who is languishing in exile
in a resort hotel in the town of Elfbabiand.
> > Which Prophet, if you please?
>
> Me.
That's not in Tolkien or any other canon, either. There's TOLKIEN,
then MORAMBAR, then FATS administration (headed, under MORAMBAR, by
me), then senior faculty (Horus, Tollmann, etc.), then junior faclty
(you, Derridina, etc.).
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
<pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On Oct 17, 6:04 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"
> <noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
>
> The FAQ cannot be improved. We must do our own scholarship, based on
> sources that have been approved by FATS experts.
You know, I have reason to believe that some of your "Morambar quotes"
were fabricated by TEUNC sockpuppets who hacked into his account. I am
not quite sure who would do such a despicable deed. I suspect either
the being known as "Count Menelvagor", Mr. M.H. Wilkinson or maybe
even my worst friend Bqggz. I know Morambar punishes those who do so
with pimples on their backsides, but I am not legally entitled to pull
down people's pants to check it. And yes, of course we must do our own
scholarship, and propose our findings to the FAQ. That's how
collaborative projects work.
> And maybe the heretic got into your drugs and sabotaged them. I'll
> have security look into it.
I checked my drugs. I found a dead giraffe that must have fallen into
it; a Tour de France winner who was diverting parts of them for his
own purposes; Bqggz, who was spying as usual; and my sunglasses, which
I thought I had lost in the sauna. Nothing that could possibly cause
the drugs to go bad.
> I recently appointed
> a panel to look inot the question whether Ruth Noel's book is a pack
> of lies. Her name is fishy.
I think she named herself after me. I consider this a great honour and
an affirmation of the value of my scholarly work.
> > > Which Prophet, if you please?
>
> > Me.
>
> That's not in Tolkien or any other canon, either. There's TOLKIEN,
> then MORAMBAR, then FATS administration (headed, under MORAMBAR, by
> me), then senior faculty (Horus, Tollmann, etc.), then junior faclty
> (you, Derridina, etc.).
So you say there can be no Prophet outside the walls of your
university? What about the shamans of Yarrbirrburigarr in West
Australia, who have foretold Tolkien's coming since 30,000 B.C.? Are
they not prophets? Is not Mrs. Mary Ann Ziegenhuter a prophet, who saw
Tolkien's face in a strawberry pie on July 23rd, 2003 in Sioux Looh,
Colorado, and put video proof on Youtube?
Noel
Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
<noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On 18 Okt., 00:08, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"
>
> <pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> > On Oct 17, 6:04 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"
> > <noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
>
> > The FAQ cannot be improved. We must do our own scholarship, based on
> > sources that have been approved by FATS experts.
>
> You know, I have reason to believe that some of your "Morambar quotes"
> were fabricated by TEUNC sockpuppets who hacked into his account. I am
> not quite sure who would do such a despicable deed. I suspect either
> the being known as "Count Menelvagor", Mr. M.H. Wilkinson or maybe
> even my worst friend Bqggz.
Except that He has repeated these statements several times (they could
be found by searching Google groups if the search engine hadn't been
messed up, probably by militant FAQqist terrorists, such as the
parties you mention), and also to me in person.
> > And maybe the heretic got into your drugs and sabotaged them. I'll
> > have security look into it.
>
> I checked my drugs. I found a dead giraffe that must have fallen into
> it; a Tour de France winner who was diverting parts of them for his
> own purposes; Bqggz, who was spying as usual; and my sunglasses, which
> I thought I had lost in the sauna. Nothing that could possibly cause
> the drugs to go bad.
I will have the giraffe rounded up and questioned. Giraffes are
notorious TEUNCs (see the 2000 TEUNC constitution), and are probably
almost as evil as penguins. (Though one can't blame the puny misfit
band "TEUNC" for *everything*.)
> > > > Which Prophet, if you please?
>
> > > Me.
>
> > That's not in Tolkien or any other canon, either. There's TOLKIEN,
> > then MORAMBAR, then FATS administration (headed, under MORAMBAR, by
> > me), then senior faculty (Horus, Tollmann, etc.), then junior faclty
> > (you, Derridina, etc.).
>
> So you say there can be no Prophet outside the walls of your
> university?
They would have to be verified through proper channels (specified in
my previous post). However, you raise some interesting points:
What about the shamans of Yarrbirrburigarr in West
> Australia, who have foretold Tolkien's coming since 30,000 B.C.? Are
> they not prophets?
They may well be; but as Tolkien has already come, you are in a
different situation. But I am very interested in sending FATS
representatives via time machine to Australia 30,000 BC, to see if one
of Tolkien's avatars appeared there (possibly as a bandicoot?), and if
these Yarrbirrburigarrs would like to teach at FATS.
Is not Mrs. Mary Ann Ziegenhuter a prophet, who saw
> Tolkien's face in a strawberry pie on July 23rd, 2003 in Sioux Looh,
> Colorado, and put video proof on Youtube?
That would have to verified. If she is lying, she must of course be
put to death for blasphemy, which is a bit of an annoyance, since I'm
busy.
All this said, there is something to be said for giving even slightly
heterodox junior faculty some kind of honorific title. I'm toying with
"Glorious Preceptor." And I'm also thinking of imitating ancient
Hawaiian etiquette and having students fall prostrate on the ground
when a faculty member passes by. Perhaps even have them executed for
daring to look upon a faculty member. I'll give it some thought.
David Trimboli
> When you want to become a real Tolkien fan, the first thing you must
> do is check whether all your Tolkien material is legal. Here are some
> tips how to recognize unauthorized copies, and what to do if you
> happen to own one.
This is a frequently asked question?
--
David Trimboli
http://www.trimboli.name/
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
<pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On Oct 19, 1:12 am, "Noel Q. von Schneiffel"
> <noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
>
> > You know, I have reason to believe that some of your "Morambar quotes"
> > were fabricated by TEUNC sockpuppets who hacked into his account. I am
> > not quite sure who would do such a despicable deed. I suspect either
> > the being known as "Count Menelvagor", Mr. M.H. Wilkinson or maybe
> > even my worst friend Bqggz.
>
> Except that He has repeated these statements several times (they could
> be found by searching Google groups if the search engine hadn't been
> messed up, probably by militant FAQqist terrorists, such as the
> parties you mention), and also to me in person.
Yes, yes, this is exactly how one of the abovementioned heretics would
do it. They always repeat what they say several times. They think it
gets truer that way.
> What about the shamans of Yarrbirrburigarr in West
> > Australia, who have foretold Tolkien's coming since 30,000 B.C.? Are
> > they not prophets?
>
> They may well be; but as Tolkien has already come, you are in a
> different situation. But I am very interested in sending FATS
> representatives via time machine to Australia 30,000 BC, to see if one
> of Tolkien's avatars appeared there (possibly as a bandicoot?), and if
> these Yarrbirrburigarrs would like to teach at FATS.
A good idea. Though I somehow doubt they can be convinced to join
FATS. I think they are rather busy painting Ayers Rock. Few people
know that Ayers Rock really isn't as red as it appears. It is - caused
by a geologic effect I'd rather not discuss - a hideous light green
with pink hearts and yellow teddy bears. The Aborigines have been
covering this rather embarassing secret of her most holy site for
30,000 years, painting the whole mountain with red ochre every year
anew. (The paint always wears thin after the monsoon.)
> All this said, there is something to be said for giving even slightly
> heterodox junior faculty some kind of honorific title. I'm toying with
> "Glorious Preceptor." And I'm also thinking of imitating ancient
> Hawaiian etiquette and having students fall prostrate on the ground
> when a faculty member passes by. Perhaps even have them executed for
> daring to look upon a faculty member. I'll give it some thought.
You know, I tend to be careful with executions. I am a very friendly,
well-mannered person who always believes in giving people a second
chance. If a student gives me an indecent look, I usually just sew his
eyelids together for a month or two.
Noel
Noel Q. von Schneiffel
> Noel Q. von Schneiffel wrote:
>
> > When you want to become a real Tolkien fan, the first thing you must
> > do is check whether all your Tolkien material is legal. Here are some
> > tips how to recognize unauthorized copies, and what to do if you
> > happen to own one.
>
> This is a frequently asked question?
Yes, you wouldn't believe how often people come to me, so laden with
guilt because they possess an illegal e-book that it breaks my heart,
and ask me for advice and a way to redemption. I really want to help
them.
Besides, the Pirate Party is on the march to power with their blatant
denial of the very existence of copyright. I think they have already
conquered Sweden and turned it into an anarchist communist utopia. We
all must unite and stop them while there is still time.
Noel
Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III
<noel.von.schneif...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> On 21 Okt., 23:41, "Pseudonymus al-Faqha'ter III"
>
> <pseudony...@fats.teunc.org> wrote:
> > They may well be; but as Tolkien has already come, you are in a
> > different situation. But I am very interested in sending FATS
> > representatives via time machine to Australia 30,000 BC, to see if one
> > of Tolkien's avatars appeared there (possibly as a bandicoot?), and if
> > these Yarrbirrburigarrs would like to teach at FATS.
>
> A good idea. Though I somehow doubt they can be convinced to join
> FATS. I think they are rather busy painting Ayers Rock. Few people
> know that Ayers Rock really isn't as red as it appears. It is - caused
> by a geologic effect I'd rather not discuss - a hideous light green
> with pink hearts and yellow teddy bears. The Aborigines have been
> covering this rather embarassing secret of her most holy site for
> 30,000 years, painting the whole mountain with red ochre every year
> anew. (The paint always wears thin after the monsoon.)
They could teach Tolkien Rock Painting.
> > "Glorious Preceptor." And I'm also thinking of imitating ancient
> > Hawaiian etiquette and having students fall prostrate on the ground
> > when a faculty member passes by. Perhaps even have them executed for
> > daring to look upon a faculty member. I'll give it some thought.
>
> You know, I tend to be careful with executions. I am a very friendly,
> well-mannered person who always believes in giving people a second
> chance. If a student gives me an indecent look, I usually just sew his
> eyelids together for a month or two.
Well, MORAMBAR can always bring them back, if He wants to. But it's a
bit expensive and annoying. It's probably better to charge them an
enormous fine, as Théoden did to Gríma.