e-text Book 3, Chapter 11: "The Palantarium"
Kuei...@notforemail.com
to me unless I finished it, so rather than have THAT happen, I did it.
It was started during a hospital visit so the presence of mood
altering drugs explains any incoherency.
Each time I look at the bloody thing I notice little typos and
mis-steps in usage. If any notice any that are current, please advise
me before the text is sent for HTML.
I have, to a certain degree disregarded Mr. Jensen's advice about
waiting to write until I have seen the previous works. I read a few
of the other chapters and the three proceeding in the last few weeks,
but the body of the work was completed before that and cosmetic
modifications made with reference to the previous texts. Why?
Because this is a Parody of the LOTR and I feel that hewing to the
Ur-text is preferable. I understand the reasons for Steuard's point
and hope that I have complied sufficiently to not do damage to the
concept. My gratitude to the Prof for writing his work and my
apologies for my Tomfoolery regarding it.
Every time I copy this thing the formatting changes. I hope it
remains intact now.
Respectfully submitted
**************************************************************************************
"The Palantarium"
The sun was sinking behind the long western arm of the mountains when
Gandalf and companions, and the king with his riders, and the local
levies, and the Levis from the shul down the mountain Mishigäs, and
Uncle Tom Cobley and all rode off.
Ments in a solemn row stood like statues at the gate, with their long
arms uplifted with flickering lights at their ends, but they made no
sound, unlike the statues in their hometown, which were quite
garrulous, and kept common folk awake all night.
They came to the Pillar of the White Hand. The pillar was still
standing but most of the graven hand had been thrown down except for
one long finger, which was still standing, but had been stained with
some dark substance.
"Truly it is said that when the Ments turn to proctology the
world trembles!" remarked Gandalf with a shudder.
They rode on, clenching their sphincter muscles.
This clenching had its usual effect on horseback riders and Morrie
finally whined "Are we riding far tonight, Gandalf?"
"No," replied Gandalf. "I want to put some distance between us and
those insidious works of Aruman. Every time I think of the terrible
things that he did to so many people, well it frays my temper and I
feel like going back and spitting on where he fell one more time. Why,
every time I think of what he said about you, Morrie, it just makes me
boil!"
"Huh," said Morrie, his usual sinister look of malicious stupidity
turning to one of baffled malicious stupidity, "What things? I don't
remember him saying anything about us, although," he added shaking his
head slowly as if it hurt, "everything about that seems kinda fuzzy."
"Why, yes," said Gandalf quickly. "Better for you not to dwell on it,
how he called you a pimple-faced goon who displays all the
characteristics of a reverse Darwinism, a walking advertisement for
the sterilization of the morally unfit and someone who he was not
surprised was running a brisk trade in pipe weed to loose girls at the
local high school."
"He said that, the Schmööck!" snarled Morrie. "Hey, wait a minute, how
did he know about the pipe weed thing?"
"Well," said Gandalf, picking up the pace a little, "Erh, I fear that
we may find that Aruman's appendages have reached further than we
thought! Indeed, I fear we may find the Shire in the hands of a
extremely strong but fair criminal organization dedicated to enslaving
young Hobbit lasses into lives of prostitution and support for the
United Nations, and producing a vile crop of pipe weed."
"WaitaErudamnminute," bellowed Morrie as he galloped after, "that was
*my* plan!"
Soon after they stopped and got off their horses with many a grimace
and groan and soon dispersed themselves, several of the older Rohan
troopers pairing off with others beneath the hanging branches of
nearby trees, humming airs of old Rohan operas and show tunes as they
spread single blankets out for both men.
Several of the other troopers chuckled as Morrie and Pipsqueak spread
their blankets , with many comments about Hobbit Holes not being dirty
places, heh, heh.
Morrie was sleepy, particularly after sampling more of the weed he had
salvaged from the wrack of Eyesore. Pipsqueak was more restless, and
the conversation kept coming back to the white ball he had
glimpsed. "That glass ball now. Gandalf seemed mighty pleased with it
I reckon, sho nuff. He knows some'at 'bout it, but do he tell us, I
reckon not. Nawsuh, he doesn't tell us in nowt in a coon's age.
Din't I pick it up and I sure enough saved it dat der ball from
rolling into a pool. It felt right heavy as I live and breathe."
Morrie glowered at him from under sleepy brows, "If you don't stop
talking in politically incorrect dialect, I'm going to kick your sorry
butt into that there briar patch. Shaddap, I haven't had a
nocturnal emission in the longest time and you're keeping me from it!"
And murmuring the name of "Rambling" Rosie, he fell asleep.
Pipsqueak said no more and rubbed his groin where Morrie had kicked
him. At last he could stand it no longer.
He crept down to where Gandalf was sleeping. Driven by some impulse
that he could not understand, but which was probably rooted in an
early childhood glimpse of his mother in the bath, he moved closer
until he could spy something bulging in a fold of the cloth. Pipsqueak
reached down and put his hands on it and as he did Gandalf stirred in
his sleep and murmured "Arwen, my nymphette, humbert, humbert,
hummmmm...." Pipsqueak hastily let go and grabbed the other bundle and
ran off.
Much Later, there was a loud noise, sending the camp into a tizzy.
Gandalf ran up, buttoning himself and wiping away at something. "So
this is the thief" said Gandalf. He booted Pipsqueak where he lay,
explaining that this would help him revive. It took several more such
attempts and several blows to the head before Pipsqueak revived.
As he lay blinking, he was showered with questions until finally...
"Wait!" Cried Gandalf, "let him tell it in his own way."
Pipsqueak shuddered as he remembered when he had unwrapped the stone
from his cloak, wiping of the grease and egg stains it had picked up
from his cloak with an equally grotty pocket handkerchief embroidered
with the initials TB.
He remembered peering into it intently for a few moments until it
began to glow. Gradually arcane words began to appear, words that
seemed to have a certain malignity in their form and content.
Gradually he began to make them out, his lips sounding them out
(usually with highly unorthodox pronunciations) and as he did so, he
began a counterpoint of cursing under his breath as the words read
"I'm sorry, we are unable to complete your Palantarium connection at
this time, please try again later." After a long interval the words
changed as he began to curse again as they read "Your Palantarium is
not configured correctly/is not set up to work with Atlantis on Line.
Please check your settings and try again later."
Muttering about the curse of the Aölhëllïïm, he tried several more
times before he finally was connected.
At first, all seemed blackness. Then he saw the outline of a stark and
severe hooded and cloaked figure. To his horror (overtaxing
under utilized sphincter muscles) it moved closer and closer until
all he could see were the figure's red-rimmed eyes in a gaunt and
sinister face. "Tell me!" it demanded, "Your puny powers are of no
concern to me! Have you found the one I seek? And what of the short
creatures? Oh, and by the way, I am afraid that your friends will find
the force field fully operational and the Death Star as well!!!"
It was at this point that Pipsqueak realized that he had not the
slightest idea what was going on (this was not a new occurrence to
him, having occurred to him frequently in the half semester he had
attended school and frequently thereafter when he was asked to explain
the presence of other people's property in his possession). As his
usual expression of mulish stupor deepened into total bafflement, the
figure in the stone realized it and said "Hmm, you're not an Ewok,
you're not one of mine." The figure turned his head and called off
Pipsqueak's line of sight of the image in the stone, "Sorry, Saury
Honey, the call's for you." Pipsqueak could almost he the sound of
water dripping from, as it were, a shower head of antique and
unfathomable evil; he heard the sound of two floppy shower slippers
coming closer and closer. Finally a face was revealed to him, a face
that seemed to have supped on bowels of incalculable depravity and
unspeakable practices, a face that fairly reeked with a gelid scorn
and disdain, a face wrapped in a pink, fluffy bath towel a face that
resembled most that of...
Well, you know who.
"Mercifully," Pipsqueak said, "at that moment I slipped into oblivion
or my own poop after I cut loose with a dump. The shriek you heard was
a fart. A damn good one too!" He said with much contentment as they
bystanders proceeded to mutter and to move upwind of him as he shook a
pants leg.
Gandalf looked down at him. Then he sighed and carried Pipsqueak back
to his bed. "He will take no hurt from this, I do swear, he is much
too dense to comprehend most of what goes on around him, let alone
this." And as he turned away, he lit slip his exasperation
sufficiently to flick out with a swift kick to the posterior of the
unconscious form that had slipped instantly into sleep after Gandalf
had whacked the Palantarium against the back of his head. Others
passed by silently and also similarly saluted the form of the cause of
the interruption of their slumber or other activities until his bed
place was moved several spans down the hillside from their kicks.
[And where was Arwen when all of this was going on? Well, might you
wonder, dear reader. In fact, as will be made clear in the next
edition of "History of Muddle Earth, More fag-end Rejects that I can
sucker people into buying" You will see how Arwen, Giggly and Legolass
made a side trip to beat up Dunlendings (and getting paid very well by
the Pinkuton Agency I might add). You'll thrill to her feats of
prowess, her stark blood lust and carving of new entrances into the
anatomy of Dunlendings, all to be featured in the new movie "Arwen:
Warrior Princess!" I hope this explains the lacunae in this chapter
(not that I mind lacunae, of course(actually, there's nothing better
than a nice hot lacunae, with whipped cream on it of course(the
whipped cream is optional (don't you love parenthesis (I
do)?)))(<><><><>~~~ (look, a rattlesnake!)
Ahem.
As Gandalf turned away Aragon confronted him, a look of peevish
arrogornance mixed with a certain cunning on his face. "Here is one
who can claim this by right. I believe this is the Palantarium that
my second cousin Poindexteran had from his uncle. I will take it."
Gandalf looked at Aragon, then to the surprise of others he passed it
to him, murmuring under his breath "just wait until he finds out that
the parental controls are activated."
Gandalf said, "Receive it Lard, but ware! Oft things may glister but
not be gold."
Aragon replied "Yet, a stitch in time may save nine."
Gandalf replied, "Yes, but for want of a nail."
Aragon returned, more shortly, "A gherkin may be wrinkled but it's not
old."
Gandalf, annoyed, said "Enough of this proverbial badinage!" "We must
away to the next chapter!"
Prembone
Kuei...@notforemail.com wrote:
> Well, here it is, Steuard threatened to try to explain String Theory
> to me unless I finished it, so rather than have THAT happen, I did it.
>
> It was started during a hospital visit so the presence of mood
> altering drugs explains any incoherency.
There is a lot to be said for hallucinogenic substances, especially if
you can keep enough presence of mind to write something as sharp as
this. I only wonder how I can *possibly* top this act?
Prembone
Sent via Deja.com
http://www.deja.com/
Öjevind Lång
>In article <3a3e517d...@news2.starnetinc.com>,
> Kuei...@notforemail.com wrote:
[snip]
>>
>> It was started during a hospital visit so the presence of mood
>> altering drugs explains any incoherency.
>
>There is a lot to be said for hallucinogenic substances, especially if
>you can keep enough presence of mind to write something as sharp as
>this. I only wonder how I can *possibly* top this act?
Keep doubling your own dose of hallucinogenes until you either write the
novel of the millennium or else depart this Earth.
Öjevind
Prembone
Hmmmmm....that could make for an interesting weekend at work....
Prembone
PS - Believe it or not, the only chemicals that influence me as I write
are the ones produced by my own brain, and that may or may not be an
encouraging thought.
--
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
Prembone
Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> Them's pretty much my sentiments too. Eeeenterestink twist
> with "Gulible."
> <s>
Verrrry eeeeeenterestink. ;-) All those off-topic debates about sex
and gender were not in vain!
Prembone
--
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
Menelvagor
Prembone <prem...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> In article <91tvfn$u0p$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>,
> Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
>
> > Them's pretty much my sentiments too. Eeeenterestink twist
> > with "Gulible."
> > <s>
>
> Verrrry eeeeeenterestink. ;-) All those off-topic debates about sex
> and gender were not in vain!
In the Khazad-dūm chapter she must have thought Arwen was a guy ...
--
Count Menelvagor the Slayer of Killerbytes, Editor of Sauron's Dairy,
and Lord High Enervator of the Empire of Psot, Balrog Dragon Baritone,
etc., etc., and All That Other Struff
Balrog sum; Balrogani nihil alienum a me puto.
Prembone
Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> In the Khazad-dūm chapter she [Gulible] must have thought Arwen was a
guy ...
Well, what *I* had in mind was that she was actually expecting Arwen to
hook her up with some "mens," specifically, the "sweet, sexy Hobbit-
mens." ;-) (O.K. So maybe I have a Hobbit fetish.) A bit of a strain
on the interpretation, but not impossible.
Prembone
--
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
William H. Hsu
[snip]
>all he could see were the figure's red-rimmed eyes in a gaunt and
>sinister face. "Tell me!" it demanded, "Your puny powers are of no
>concern to me! Have you found the one I seek? And what of the short
>creatures? Oh, and by the way, I am afraid that your friends will find
>the force field fully operational and the Death Star as well!!!"
now where's a Jedi hobbit when you need one? :-)
[snippelito and indiscriminip]
>Gandalf, annoyed, said "Enough of this proverbial badinage!" "We must
>away to the next chapter!"
*applause*
Enough lechery, there, but wonder of wonders, it was funny.
--
Banazir ((luminous jedi hobbit phantasm))
Menelvagor
Prembone <prem...@my-deja.com> wrote:
<snippo>
> Well, what *I* had in mind was that she was actually expecting Arwen
to
> hook her up with some "mens," specifically, the "sweet, sexy Hobbit-
> mens." ;-) (O.K. So maybe I have a Hobbit fetish.) A bit of a
strain
> on the interpretation, but not impossible.
Maybe she and Frodo can get together on Mount Viagra ...
--
Count Menelvagor the Slayer of Killerbytes, Editor of Sauron's Dairy,
and Lord High Enervator of the Empire of Psot, Balrog Dragon Baritone,
etc., etc., and All That Other Struff
Balrog sum; Balrogani nihil alienum a me puto.
Prembone
Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> Maybe she and Frodo can get together on Mount Viagra ...
After she casts a Resurrection Spell.... :-D
Prembone
--
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
Öjevind Lång
> "Öjevind Lång" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote:
>> Prembone hath written:
[snip]
>> >There is a lot to be said for hallucinogenic substances, especially
>if
>> >you can keep enough presence of mind to write something as sharp as
>> >this. I only wonder how I can *possibly* top this act?
>>
>> Keep doubling your own dose of hallucinogenes until you either write
>the
>> novel of the millennium or else depart this Earth.
>
>Hmmmmm....that could make for an interesting weekend at work....
Well, I hope you'll have a nice Christmas with no more work than you desire.
:-)
>Prembone
>
>PS - Believe it or not, the only chemicals that influence me as I write
>are the ones produced by my own brain, and that may or may not be an
>encouraging thought.
>
>--
>"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
> it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
Did you know that Mill declared that no matter how much he disapproved of
anyone smoking opiumn, he was against forbidding it because it would be a
infringement on freedeom? He took his belief in libert seriously, er?
Öjevind
Öjevind Lång
> "Öjevind Lång" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote:
>> Prembone hath written:
[snip]
>> >There is a lot to be said for hallucinogenic substances, especially
>if
>> >you can keep enough presence of mind to write something as sharp as
>> >this. I only wonder how I can *possibly* top this act?
>>
>> Keep doubling your own dose of hallucinogenes until you either write
>the
>> novel of the millennium or else depart this Earth.
>
>Hmmmmm....that could make for an interesting weekend at work....
Well, I hope you'll have a nice Christmas with no more work than you desire.
:-)
>Prembone
>
>PS - Believe it or not, the only chemicals that influence me as I write
>are the ones produced by my own brain, and that may or may not be an
>encouraging thought.
>
>--
>"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
> it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
Prembone
"Öjevind Lång" <ojevin...@swipnet.se> wrote:
> Well, I hope you'll have a nice Christmas with no more work than you
desire.
> :-)
Well, it really wore thin by the end of Christmas Day, the fourth day
in a row of working 8 AM to 8 PM. (On the plus side, at least I no
longer work the overnight shift.) But Christmas Day is a 2x overtime
day, so my mid-January check should help me pay a few bills. ;-)
> Did you know that Mill declared that no matter how much he
disapproved of
> anyone smoking opiumn, he was against forbidding it because it would
be a
> infringement on freedeom? He took his belief in libert seriously, er?
I don't remember that particular example, though I recall reading
several others which illustrated his strong emphasis on allowing
maximum liberty, constrained only by the principle of avoiding harm to
others. I generally agree with his views on next to no constraints on
free speech/exchange of ideas; regarding freedom of action, I think
that defining "avoiding harm" (and whether it should only be harm to
*others*, or also harm to *self*, that concerns us) makes the issue
rather more complex.
On a lighter note, I get a BIG grin whenever I think that somewhere
some lazy student might actually be using our e-text for a school
assignment. The more this project progresses, the bigger my grin
gets. Happy Holidays!
Prembone
--
"Although it is not true that all conservatives are stupid people,
it is true that most stupid people are conservative." - J.S. Mill
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
William H. Hsu
>In article <91uoft$hc8$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>,
> Prembone <prem...@my-deja.com> wrote:
><snippo>
>> Well, what *I* had in mind was that she was actually expecting Arwen
>to
>> hook her up with some "mens," specifically, the "sweet, sexy Hobbit-
>> mens." ;-) (O.K. So maybe I have a Hobbit fetish.) A bit of a
>strain
>> on the interpretation, but not impossible.
><s>
>Maybe she and Frodo can get together on Mount Viagra ...
OK, see, now I'm traumatized...
--
Banazir ((luminous jedi hobbit phantasm))
~~'~~~~~'~~~'~~~~~'~~~'~~~~~'~~~'~~~~~'~~~'~~~~~'~~~
"Pity? It was pity that stayed -[TSC] nermine [TSC]-"
Prembone
bh...@ringil.cis.ksu.edu (William H. Hsu) wrote:
> Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> writes:
> >Maybe she and Frodo can get together on Mount Viagra ...
>
> OK, see, now I'm traumatized...
Maybe Sam can hook you up with his PTSD therapist....
Prembone
--
The Elton John Worship Page eltonworship.virtualave.net/
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
Arkady
As an Elton fan like myself, you don't also happen to share my primary
musical interest, namely Billy Joel, do you?
Arkady
Prembone
"Arkady" <reda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> As an Elton fan like myself, you don't also happen to share my primary
> musical interest, namely Billy Joel, do you?
I like Billy Joel, but I'm not a particularly big *fan* of his the way
I am of Elton's. But of course there is only one Elton, and like unto
him there is no other! ;-)
That being said, I'd love to hear Elton and Billy Joel in concert
together.
Prembone
--
The Elton John Worship Page eltonworship.virtualave.net
MythTakes: Tolkien Parody http://www.prembone.com/mythtakes/
Menelvagor
Prembone <prem...@my-deja.com> wrote:
> In article <921e0n$i2u$1...@nnrp1.deja.com>,
> Menelvagor <gol...@my-deja.com> wrote:
>
> > Maybe she and Frodo can get together on Mount Viagra ...
>
> After she casts a Resurrection Spell.... :-D
>
That reminds me of a dirty joke from the Decameron ... I think it's in
III.10...
<snip>
--
Count Menelvagor the Slayer of Killerbytes, Editor of Sauron's Dairy,
and Lord High Enervator of the Empire of Psot, Balrog Dragon Baritone,
etc., etc., and All That Other Struff
Balrog sum; Balrogani nihil alienum a me puto.
Arkady
"Prembone" <prem...@my-deja.com> wrote in message
news:92jlej$h44$1...@nnrp1.deja.com...
> In article <d%536.110945$eT4.8...@nnrp3.clara.net>,
> "Arkady" <reda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
>
> > As an Elton fan like myself, you don't also happen to share my primary
> > musical interest, namely Billy Joel, do you?
>
> I like Billy Joel, but I'm not a particularly big *fan* of his the way
> I am of Elton's. But of course there is only one Elton, and like unto
> him there is no other! ;-)
>
> That being said, I'd love to hear Elton and Billy Joel in concert
> together.
They are doing another Face to Face tour in America this year, as you no
doubt know. Hopefully they ill come over here to Europe too.
Arky
Prembone
"Arkady" <reda...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> They are doing another Face to Face tour in America this year, as you
> no doubt know. Hopefully they ill come over here to Europe too.
Yes, but I don't think they had a Minneapolis concert scheduled, last I
checked. I'm sure I'll hear of it if they do! Elton has an official
site, now, at http://www.eltonjohn.com/ if you're interested in
checking there.